Last night at work a co-worker gave me a hug.
It was such a simple thing really.
An unexpected thing.
I think I may have been hugged a couple of times this year.
Such a simple thing
from someone who seems so distant
yet its a big thing because
it reminds me
how connected I am to the human race
even when at times I feel like I am
drifting so far away from humanity.

TORN THING. COSMIC PUNCHLINE THING.

Torn
bleeding
healing.
Wanting
(more from life. A better way of life)
Stolen from.
Ignored.
Recovering.
I look around
my place is in chaos
keep saying I'm gonna clean up
but it really hasn't happened for many moons now
I'm trying
to bounce back
I wish I could faster.
I do
wish I could do more.
Is my time running out
Are all these health issues signals
Am I near that light at the tunnel
sword drawn ready to slay one more monster
before I plunge headfirst into that damn molten lava.
Running
towards that goal
lingering in the dark
wanting to hide this shame of mine.
Questioning if
all these slips and slides
are because of something I did in another life
(Who's punishing me then?
Winter is coming indeed.
Yeah that is a pop culture reference so sue me.
My head hurts
my nose is sore
because I've been blowing it for weeks.
My back sometimes hurts
and these eyes
sometimes are not so clear.
These legs hurt
sometimes.
These hands hurt.
The knees hurt.
Then come the damned fever blisters
triggered by stress
triggered by my immune system taking a dive.
I am
TORN
Not completely in the physical world
and one foot in the spirit realm.
TORN from the pages of some
long lost and forgotten
comic book.
A wildly weird superhero
born of a darkness that follows him around
that he sometimes catches glimpses of
and sometimes I think that same darkness reaches out to comfort him
even if not entirely sure how to comfort me.
TORN
because things come at me left and right
I feel as if I'm being tested for something
but I won't break.
Because I want my story to be one of inspiration.
I WILL NOT be a cautionary tale.

Maybe thats the real reason why I'm
TORN then.



IGNORAMUS

You responded to the ad
(Didn't have to take off your shirt but thats okay....)
In some cases
You even came out to audition
then all of a sudden you got
compromised.
Changed your mind.
Sometimes it's just
the not returning of my phone calls/texts,
sometimes I get the old
"I saw the character was gay/bi
and I'm not down with that" or
"What you're doing is wrong
and you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven"
Whatever.
Most of the time I get nothing
you just sort of disappear
stop answering my calls
I may never know exactly why
you decided
not to be a part of my dream
but thanks so much for wasting both our time.


THE KNOWING

Sometimes it hurts
being right so much of the time.
I could smell it on you man
saw it in your eyes.
I knew I'd never hear from you again
when you said
you would direct my feature.
I don't even know why I took your card.
Next time
I will just say
how I feel.
"We both know you're not gonna call"


ARE YOU RACIST OR JUST AN ASSHOLE?

Cut in front of me in line
pretend to not even see me.
Then when I call you on it
you act incredulous
going out of your way
to make me feel
invisible
insignificant.
Like I've done something to you
and I don't even know you.

THE UNSEEN AND UNSUNG

Ignore me
walk by
don't speak
unless you need or want something.
I open the door
no acknowledgment
I see others moving up that ladder
even though I've never been offered
that same opportunity.
Sometimes it is nice to be
unseen.
Underestimated
(Not being laughed at or ridiculed or otherwise put out for wh oI am)
Then at other times
being ignored
BURNS
like the most violent kind of fire.

Pardon me for being alittle self centered
I'm only trying to salvage
whats left of my self esteem.



DREAM TRYING TO HATCH
(Typed on my Xbox1)

Its no exaggeration to say
I have crushed on you
for the longest time.
For years
wishing I could wave a wand
to turn a bottom into a top(!)
Acted out our union
and that passion
was so intoxicating
that it was almost overwhelming.
Now you call me up
middle of the night
somewhat intoxicated
telling me things I imagined you saying
Yet imagined it would all remain fantasy.

I wonder now old friend
Do you even recall
or regret our conversation?

Said things
all the right things.
Talked of being lonely
Wanting to hold and be held.
Said you'd come over and clean up this place.
Said you'd warm these cold feet
Said you'd come over
and make love to me.
Probably would blow my mind
yet I've known you long enough
to seriously doubt if any one man
can ever keep you
(satisfied).
I may have quietly accepted
my insecurities might be too much
to even think of burdening someone else with
this overly active imagination is probably too much.
This sudden gripping anxiety
brought on by the simplest of triggers at times
making my heart to beat erratically
making me feel
hate from so many
is probably too much.
I know you have your own personal demons too.
I could probably deal with them
but can I risk any extra energy
when sometimes my own demons
seem like a volcano threatening to erupt?

You have put me at a crossroads old friend.

A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW.

Hid their feelings for some guy

Just couldn't accept
for the life of him
who
or what he really was.
Even went so far
as to get another job
anything to distract
from those
supposedly ungodly feelings
(You see thats how dude was brought up)
Couldn't bear to give in to
something he simply couldn't accept.
(Maybe this was the first time he'd felt this)
Shit he went out
and started his own little non-profit.
(Who says you can't make some good focus out of bottled up trauma?)
Anything to brush these feelings under a proverbial rug.
(But they never really went away. These feelings)
Dude never even bothered to say goodbye
to the one
who would have loved him
the way he deserved to be loved.
The one who had to learn
how to unlove him.

Because thats what the world taught them both.

The world told them they couldn't be together
and the lie became a bitter truth.
A hard pill to swallow indeed.

This shit happens everyday.

It feels so right
yet it feels wrong
that I may have convinced myself of something
not true
not natural.
Hell I'm not exactly normal
even though I fight for the balance
of nature.
I am honored to be a voice for those who have no voice of their own
walking in the light
whilst still being of the darkness
shunned by humanity
misunderstood
underestimated so often
and no one really knows who I am
except me
(or those who watch me from beyond I guess)
I dunno....
folks say
this is how it feels when you're a leader
someone who can see thru the haze clouding so many eyes.
I think I have accepted my fate
to climb this tall mountain
daring to believe theres Shangrila beyond those clouds
while no one else is trying hard enough.
Maybe they just simply can't and thats
just the way it is.
Am I a fool to believe in potential others have within?
So often it feels like its a lonely climb to the top.

"A sky full of people but no one want s to fly"
(Sigh) Those are Seals words not mine by the way.

Maybe I need to hangout with more people like people who compose hit songs for Batman soundtracks.

Is it all imagined
that others often copy my actions?
Is it all imagined
I copy others actions
at times.
Concealing feelings
fighting emotions
acting like I'm anti-social
and thats not really who I am?
Am I merely adapting
to this
unfriendly
undeveloped
hostile
and limited in its communication skills?
Have I let others infect me so much with their issues
that they have become my own?
Does it make one sick
to ignore feelings
suppressing them because you know
the other person could never feel the same way?
Its not easy to have unreciprocated feelings
but over time it becomes easier to resist them because
a wise man who had many wives once said
"It shouldn't be an uphill battle"
Its crazy enough
to survive in this crazy world we live in
that I just don't have the energy or time
or motivation to want who doesn't want me.

Fuck them.

Even though I wsih them peace at the same time.

Does that even make sense?

The death of the man I used to know.

The man I used to know
he would be my friend
even if I didn't have
model looks
muscles for days
and an angry
almost cartoonish manliness.
He'd come over
play videogames all night
we'd go to the movies
often we'd sit up all night
watching tv
or listening to music.
Didn't judge
not to say we had no conflicts
because everybody argues
once in awhile
Still....
he knew my heart
valued my opinions
used my advice to better his life
even as I utilized his wisdom.
This is for the cool
that unsung hero
in a hive of scum and villainy
he wouldn't turn me away
saw a diamond covered by coal
Nurtured it even
but then he went away
left me here
in this world
with all these
rude motherfuckers.
Some of them seem like
they don't even have their own minds
wanna copy off what somebody else does
or says
wanna talk nice
until they realize
you're a bottom too
then they just drop you like
a hot potato.

You say I'm angry?
No sir I am merely stating what I observe
and believe me when I tell you
I try my best to keep mydistance from them
because I don't wanna become
anymore like them than I already am.

Yeah even I can admit to being tainted
yeah thou I'm trying to hold on to
that man I used to know
the one who went away
used to fantasize about him too sometimes
wanted to in some ways
to be like him too.
He was my friend
never judged me
was kind
listened to me
shared with me
saw right past the crazy me
folks wondered about our friendship
I even wondered too
how could two from
two different worlds
get along so well?

Then one day he went away

no one came to take his place
so a part of me broke off and grew into another him
thus I became the best friend I used to have
before he went away
never to return again.

PRETEND BOYFRIEND.

See you
talk to you all the time
you have love for me
nobody knows
sometimes I'm not even sure I know
just how you feel.
Its a secret that we keep
or it might only be a mystery to us.
You keep me in your life man
but its only at a distance
this is all I'm ever gonna get.
Its bittersweet.
This having you
yet not really having you
stings
burns
all the way into my dreams.


THIEF.

Stole my things
stole parts of my life
and if that wasn't enough
you're trying to hack your way
all the way in.
Taking over my computer
hacking my videogames
trolling me online
browsing my posts for ideas
You're meddling poking
to cause a reaction
any kind of reaction
always constantly
listening
or watching
thru electronic devices
just like you listen thru
these walls
sitting in your black car
tinted windows
watching me
watching my life
(Are you laughing at me and these many imperfections?)
and I don't even know who you are.
What do you want?
Why is it so important
that you'd wanna steal your way into my life?

RANTINGS AND INNERVISIONS.....

I am pretty much convinced the kids here at my job hate us. When I say US I mean the security guards. We are constantly getting shit from these kids when we ask them to identify themselves before we allow them inside because we have to be careful not to let anyone that might be dangerous in here. They get pissed when we don't recognize them or if we don't know who they are. Earlier tonight a black kid came in here and was like "I live here" When I asked him his name on the intercom. He didn't say his name until I walked outside and then when I saw him on the list and let him in he walked past me with so much rage and malice I could feel it. Maybe its just a thing that people hate security guards because I have noticed alot of folks have ZERO respect for us or the fact we are usually the first responders on the scene when something goes down. One night this girl from upstairs was so fucking nasty to me when I politely held the door open for her ass. I said "You're welcome" because she didn't say thank you. Her reply was "Why should I say thank you to you for doing your job?" Its so weird because I do think I love just about everyone. Not saying I like everyone but I do have much love for people in general even though I see all the terrible things they are capable of doing. It just sure would be nice to meet or know more friendly nice well rounded LGBTQ people because I just get tired of being around so many who are mean spirited individuals. I certainly have my own wounds and have seen more hate than I can even express yet I don't walk around with this crazy edge so many of us carry. My mind is healing from so much shit....its trying to heal you know but sometimes I feel I may be in an environment thats stunting me from my own growth as a caring, confident mentally healthy person. I really do keep feeling like I need to escape from here and go live somewhere else. I keep pushing on and focusing on my writing and still trying to decide if I wanna keep up this film stuff. Just so glad I have outlets for my emotions. Without them this world can feel so damn stifling.

Not sure whats going on with my stuff that was stolen in Detroit back in August. Sonsofbitches ruined my birthday vacation and tainted what used to be my favorite place to getaway from all the madness. No idea why in hell they targeted me. The detective on my case recently told me an arrest was made in my case and a warrant was gonna be served. But I've not heard anything else since. I have to replace my passport and birth certificate. I also gotta get another work ID. Was able to buy another cheap laptop yet its just a temporary fix because this 32 gig harddrive is barely enough. In fact its a good thing I had a small harddrive laying around otherwise doing updates would be impossible. Windows itself takes up almost 28 gigs of space! Meanwhile the drama with the Daughters of Legend film has continued. At this point I realize I made a terrible mistake by bringing on this guy who is causing so much grief with threats of litigation. I also realize I should have never let them change the script but whats done is done. At least SonsofLegend and all my other stuff can still live on. The SonsofLegend webseries will relaunch later this year. Then I'm launching a new webseries soon thats a spin off. GOnna try and get some funding from the community because we certainly could use some more LGBTQ characters in the world of sci-fi and superheroes. So tired of seeing us as sidekicks,secondary characters or the comedy relief. I have so much work ahead of me. Probably am done with dating and romance. I can still fantasize about these things I guess. But in reality I feel like I'm too fucking weird for anyone and then other times I just think I've evolved to the point where romance doesn't matter anymore. Its still in my minds eye this place where I'm successful in life and there are people around me. People in my life. Kids. Animals and healthy relationships. Those people who hated me...laughed at me and ran from me because they were running from their own sexuality....they are in this vision so far away from me as if I've somehow flown over them away from them and I'm not talking gated communities I'm talking about getting to this place where I am in a healthy type reaffirming environment that nurtures and encourages me feeding so much creativity I am pracitcally exploding with ideas/concepts/art. I keep seeing it. It is only love which remains elusive and mysterious in this place....this innervision.

I've talked with some other people who found themselves in the same situation as me. In other words some one stole from them. One co-worker told me someone broke into his house and took his computer. Two other people who work at the company told me they had their cars broken into.  While on the phone with a Sony customer service guy yesterday he told me he'd actually gone on vacation and when he got back home someone had broken into his apartment and they took everything except some chairs. I recall years ago a good friend of mine had his car stolen. And it was an old rustbucket! Crazy as that was the car was soon recovered. An ex was in a car with some other guys and they were robbed at gunpoint. He was even in another situation where a guy took his stuff then at gunpoint told him to run away and to not look back. The guy I stayed with when I went to Detroit last month had his house (which I thought to be impregnable) broken into. Maybe like a year or two ago I remember one of my nephews had posted on facebook that someone broke into his truck. One night years ago someone broke into the center and stole a bunch of computers. Someone even snatched a chain from around my mother's neck many years ago in the big apple. After hearing all these stories it really helps me put things in a different perspective. I mean as fucked up as it is they took my shit I really got off lucky. At least theres a chance I might get reimbursed for damages. But a part of me feels like this was no random event. I think I might have actually been set up and thats what makes this all the more disturbing. Maybe one day I will find out and perhaps I will get awarded damages for my trouble. The only thing that really matters is I have to recover from this setback and move on with my life. I just have to be more careful from here on out. As Duncan Macleod once so eloquently put it "No more tears".

Had quite the birthday vacation trip to Detroit. Everything got off to a bad start honestly. The light blowing out in my doorway was probably an omen I should have heeded. First off I almost left my wallet with my ID and bank cards then when I finally got to Michigan I heard nothing from the dude I was supposed to stay with. I found out days later he was in jail so I had to spend two days of my trip in a hotel until I was able to connect with another acquaintance (with really bad car brakes and no A/C). Then things took a turn for the worse because while we were parked in a garage in downtown Detroit someone went into his car trunk and stole my huge backpack which had all my clothes,my laptop,my Ipad,my ps vita my camera,my vudu streaming stick and my passport along with my work badge. As devastating as that was I took it all pretty well but then another buddy's mom had to be taken to the hospital while we were out at an African festival.  Truthfully just about everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. It was as if someone cast a spell or something. When I contacted the hotel/casino where the theft happened they had me make a police report then they told me they actually saw on their cameras the perps taking my stuff and driving off. A detective told me the perps were identified so I may have to go back to Detroit sooner than later for court. It sucks that I can't do anything other than wait and pray I can get at least some of my stuff back, Thankfully my devices were all locked with passwords except my camera. Its creepy to think of some nutcase going thru all my personal photos and shit. Its disturbing that they have my passport and work ID too. I went online to deactivate the vudu stick so they can't access my movies on it. This is all a big mess and I can't believe its probably only part one. Thanks Michigan.

So I left my job and went straight to the airport. Almost left my wallet behind! That would have caused alot of problems without my ID or bank card. My flight was pretty uneventful save for the sinus headache that took forever to go away. I get here in Michigan and the dude who was supposedly hosting didn't show up at the airport and never responded to my calls or texts. I had no choice but to check into a hotel. He made my 49th birthday a memorable one thats for sure. I think I'm actually more shocked than angry. Its weird to me that you know a person is flying thousands of miles to visit you and yet you just string them along and then throw their life into chaos by not having the decency to cancel before potentially stranding them in a precarious situation. This is the second time I have had a seemingly cool and sane person I trusted turn out to be a complete psycho. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm just a bad judge of character. At this point I just gotta decide what my next move will be. I could stay here and just leave Sunday as planned. I can afford to kick it in this cheap hotel (Quality Inn). I could do some sightseeing. Maybe I'll hang out with some friends. Today I'm probably just gonna stay in the hotel and relax.That's something I had a hard time doing back in LA.

SOMETIMES ALL THE ROADS DO LEAD BACK HOME (PART 1)

(Written to the music of Slakah The Beatchild)

I called my brother tonight to wish him a happy birthday and as usual we were on the phone for almost two hours. J-zilla has always been easy to talk to. Its pretty damn awesome that we share so many common interests. Parapsychology. The power of positive thinking. Understanding we can call on our ancestors for help. Doing what we like for a living. Not eating pork,beef or chicken. Speaking things into existence. Stuff like that. Really hated having to rush off the phone with him because I needed to get ready for work but something dawned on me after our conversation. I have been a fool. All this time I have been wanting to be understood and accepted by someone (often wasting my time with by bumbaclots that are not worth it) when there was always someone there right under my nose who I basically pushed away. My family. Its not to say I have the perfect relationship with any of them and its gonna take some time to rebuild bridges time has eroded because we gotta get to know each other all over again in so many ways yet they never turned their backs on me. I felt a great sadness when I though about this. I feel it now as a write....a terrible sadness that makes my eyes water, knowing I kept people who loved me at a distance and some of those people are not here anymore. I would do just about anything to get that time back again. One of my co-workers said something last night that made me think. She said we are only here for a limited amount of time and that alot of people waste that time. So many of us are running around filled with hate or negativity. At this point I just feel I can't afford to waste any time running around worrying if some guy is gonna accept me or whatever. The truth is I have faced rejection over and over chasing after elusive emotionally unavailable folks. I have languished in pain because I didn't feel I belonged in the gay community or in the nerd community. I even felt a disconnect from the black community on some levels. I have felt I was too black for some people I wanted to like me. I felt I was not nerdy enough or not quite gay enough for some. It certainly hasn't helped my self esteem or sense of worth you know. A wise man with a bunch of wives once said it shouldn't be an uphill battle trying to get in or to feel accepted. I can't speak for anyone else but my parents and siblings and mostly everyone else never rejected me. I have certainly felt ALOT of rejection from folks I don't share blood with. Food for thought huh? So todays lesson kids is don't give your love to mother fuckers that don't want it. The best friend I never had but always wanted has been here for over twenty years and its time we spent some bonding time together before more time flies away from us. I told J-zilla lets plan a road/plane trip for later this year. He was down for it and can make plans with his job once I give him exact dates. I'm thinking maybe Halloween since I have gotten that time off approved anyway. I always take off for Halloween. Usually I like to just chill or go out of town. It would be cool if we could go to Comic Con in NY this year. It happens sometime in Oct I think....Hmmm.

Yesterday I had to shut down someone on Facebook. This person whoever they are was trying to come across like a guy who was in the military. But I have heard that "I'm a single man in the military and I'm looking for someone" line before. I was trying to have a regualr conversation with this person until he said he was in the United States Army Marines. Many of the men in my family are in the service. My dad was drafted. I have never heard of a branch called the United States Army Marines before. WhenI brought that to his attention he went quiet and I noticed I was no longer allowed to view his page. Another thing that initially set off my red flag was when he called me "Hun". Whenever someone calls me "Hun" or "Boo" it kinda makes me cringe. Especially if its a guy. I only knew one person who used to call me "Hun" often and it was a girl who used to work with me in security at the LGBT center. Sometimes you have folks in other countries who try to get money from you or straight guys or girls who like to get online and mess with your head for whatever reason. Sometimes its fucked up gay folks or even "certain agencies" looking to bust you by trying to lead you into doing something stupid. Thing is I just don't see why these people come after me. I'm a good person who genuinely tries to do good in this world. I try to live a good life. I try to stay as happy as I can. I try to go after my goals. I don't bother nobody so what goes thru a persons mind that they would want to harm me for trying to make the most out of my life? Why not take that energy and utilize it to make your own life better? Maybe you're slick enough to not get caught and you might trip me up for a moment before I catch on but wouldn't it be easier to try and befriend me or better yet to just LEAVE ME ALONE? Just the idea that some teenage white girl in Alabama is coming online with fake photos trying to fuck with the heads of gay men on Facebook is just so damn creepy on so many levels. The more crazy and sinister things I witness from humanity only serves to remind me maybe I'm not as fucked up in the head as I feel sometimes. Yeah I said it.

Role Model Dilemna.

Its strange
when I look back I see
most of my role models
I don't think they looked like me
still people though
just white people though
(Relax I love everybody)
Adam West
Gunsmoke
Lee Majors
Salems Lot
Adrian Paul
Greatest American Hero
Michael Knight
Love Boat
Lucy
Bewitched
I dream of Jeanie
Fantasy Island
Automan
Dynasty
Dallas
Flamingo Road
Falcons Crest
Hotel
Buck Rogers
Jaime Summers
and a woman of wonder
A warrior princess
a vampire slayer
a kid from Smallvile
three sisters who were charmed
two brothers with a legacy to hunt monsters
They were all mostly white
just like
pretty much all the heroes
heroines
in the videogames
cartoons
novels
and comic books
and fantasy
action
horror
adventure
picture shows
movies or tv.
Sure there was Bruce Lee
Jet Li
Jackie Chan
Will Smith
Jennifer Beals
and dare I say Cosby?
Stevie Wonder, Michale and Prince helped raise me
and Teena Marie was the cool aunt I guess
Chaka,N'Dea and George Michael took me to the rink on weekends
But
I think its safe to say
much of my rasing was
almost
entirely
by white folks
even though I lived in their worlds
I still lived in this world with the other black folks
people of color
gays and lesbians
the outcasts
who looked ALOT more like me.
Some of the white folks in the other world lived like me
even though they didn't look like me
X-men
Scanners
immortals
some of them vampire folks
they knew the deal when it came to feeling like
you didn't fit in.
I didn't talk like I was black folks told me
they still do it now
but its mostly in how they look at me
or how other folks treat me
cuz they don't know how to act
when they encounter a brother
who talks like he has some sense.
I'm not that guy they see
on tv
in those rap videos
or in those violent movies
beatin up on they women folks.
I didn't really understand why
folks used to tell me
I acted white
now I finally understand
the hows and the whys.
On the inside
even if I can be just as pro black
or as pro gay
as the next man
I think I'm probably culturally
multiracial.
A product of two worlds
not really feeling like I belong completely in either.

I heard a song by Queen today
while browsing thru youtube
"I wanna break free"
and I thought
man you are free now
it would break your heart
it is heartbreaking
to see how
the world has changed.
Can't go see a movie now
without some nut trying to shoot you
can't go to school
without some nut trying to shoot you
Can't walk the streets
folks trying to stab you
Catch the train
and they wanna push you off the platform.
Used to laugh at
those gated communities
when I first came to Cali
but now
now I understand
(Is that why I uber or lyft to work so often?)
sometimes to live in the world
you need protection from the world
sometimes we all do.

BROKEN AND RAGGEDY LEGACY
(At least its mine)

I KNOW WHO I AM

I am
the nervous one
often the unwanted one
who's always thinking
dreaming
flopping around trying to walk
with legs that may work better
as fins
sometimes I think
thats what chips away at the cuteness factor

I am
The one who
looks in the mirror
even when he doesn't want to
The one who understands
I must chase these dreams
fight to make them real
but theres some things
I can never have
some things
I gotta lay to rest
for the sake of my sanity
and maybe
just maybe some things
and people
I gotta run from
until that day comes
when I can allow my self to rest
the way
I really need to rest.

Gotta keep on
going on
believing in me
not letting what some think of me
define me
Can't keep being the victim
Can't keep letting
these angels
who forgot how to fly
ground me
not anymore
Gotta give my all
to this thing
this tangible
object my eyes can see
my spirit can perceive
this greatness
this promise of
freedom
artistic expression
and even some semblance of
financial stability
Its okay to retreat sometimes
into the music
the comics
the videogames
and all these stories
these films
those words other people write
as long as it keeps me strong in my goal
keeps adding wind to these sails
keeps giving me
footprints
to leave behind
(because the internet is forever)

Maybe oneday
these ramblings
will help someone else
become unlost
in this maze of
the unfound?

Everything else is a distraction

Don't have a problem
staying invisble a bit longer
acting stupid enough to fit in
Can't afford to rock the boat
just a visitor here
just passing thru

This is who I am
for now

Gotta keep
building
this building
even with
all this storming going on around me
and the people are looking thinking
what the hell is wrong with this guy?

I can see the finished design.
Even without a drawing
I know what its gonna look like
come what may.
Crazy man that I am.
Crazy enough
to want a legacy
no one else would dare touch.

I am the crazy dreamer
chasing a tornado
trying to get into
the eye of the storm.

The Evil Genius Scenario

#0

Smiley
Smiling
chuckling
chuckler
giggly
ticklish
giggler
sexy
Dark chocolated
muscled
sexual dominizer
caregiving
warrior from the kissme tribe
who rarely loses his temper over anything
even though you can get excited
over many things
now just getting a taste
a real taste
of fatherhood
I salute you
even though I realize
I can't ever really have you
cause you're a player
too busy with fatherhood
buying that house
your schooling
and your twenty jobs
to fully commit to anybody anyway.
How I wish I'd known that
before I let you
put your African voodoo on me
(Even though you say you don't have such a thing)
Such a liar!

 #1
I see you
all the time
who are you
friend to the end
talk to me
laugh with me
sorta break bread with me
then when we are
out those doors
I never hear from you?
Been here before
locked the feelings up then
Could it be
I'm getting good at this shit
too good maybe?

It hurts sometimes.
Sometimes I feel nothing.
Mostly I think
I'm stuck somewhere in the middle.
Thats what I really wanna say
and I'm dealing
(Shit I know I can't ever say anything)
I feel stupid
because I know
you can't be falling in love
with the first
straight guy that comes along
and is nice to you.
Other gay folks do that
Not ME.

So I'm just gonna sit over here
gonna get control over these
stupid
raging hormones
that are messing with my head
making me awkward
making me erratic
and the last thing I want is to push you away
in my inability to properly express
what could have been
so much more healthier
if the world were a different place.

I tried to reach out
without appearing too needy
and I guess
the pain came out in prose
you were never meant to see
but you see everything
thats why I call you a ninja

I drove you away man.

Who are YOU?
(I will never know now I guess)

#2
Were you serious
Said you found my old text
and you decided to reach back out to me
Damn but its been over two years man
Were you for real?
Should I really believe you?
It took you
almost three years
to reach back out to me
and you chose
Now?
I've thought of you
on an almost daily basis
thought you'd fired me
forgotten about me
and I moved on
even though I figured one day
our paths would cross again.
You're so damn jaded
so damned cynical
with a twisted sense of humor
never mind the HIV thing
Never mind
your sexy thick body
that exceptional intelligence
upwardly mobile brotherman.

Who are you???

#3
Came back in my life
thru a facebook message
just out of the blue
Man I can barely even remember
what we argued about last time we spoke
years ago.
I do miss you sometimes
because we did have
some kind of a friendship
way back then.
Maybe I could have been
much more considerate
but I ceratinly should have known better
than to visit a man into me
knowing I wasn't into him
thats a drama magnet baby.
I mean where do we go from here?
What are you seeking to gain
by reaching back out to me
when you
in so many ways
throw me away.

Can I trust you
when I'm not sure
your motives are
pure?
Was I like
the last on your list?
Who are you?

#4
Haven't seen you in years
and still
you creep into my dreams.
I can still smell you
still  can see those tattoos
still can feel you
inside me
moving around inside me
giving love it took us
so many years to build up to
you were that brother I always fantasized of
sc-fi loving
bilingual
eloquent
in and out of jail
epically brown skinned
prince of the ghetto.
But you never call
I think we are both
afraid of something
a passion that will burn
until theres nothing left.
A part of me is scared of you
of the power
you know that you wield
over my heart
because
deep down inside
I am still asking

Just who the HELL
are you really
anyway?

And do I really
can I really
afford to find out?

#5
Used to be my bestie
Used to drop me off home after work
played videogames with me
Hung out with me
flew that stupid drone with me at the job
introduced me to your legion of girlfriends
hooked me up with
my laptop
my Xbox1
my PS4
and you even acted in one of my films man
Now you barely look at me
and I can barely look you in the eye
worst still
I know not what I have done
over the years I reasoned
perhaps I did something
to piss you off.
My erratic behavior sometimes pisses me off
after all.
I wish I could tell you
how I lost my mind
then had to find it all over again
in this struggle
to get my art together
as I fought against
psychological warfare
pretty much
EVERY day for years
in my own home.
Things I couldn't really get help for
because those who did it
lived above me
around me
and they conspired
with deadly intent
to get me out of my apartment.
Chipped away at my psyche man
You'll never understand what I had to endure
what I came thru
a community of women from another place
waged a war with me
I won but there are so many scars
I guess our friendship was a casualty?
Its likely I'll never know why you cut me off.
Wouldn't it be something to discover
after all this time of blaming myself
it was really all YOU?
No small wonder
I'm afraid to get close to anyone else in this life.
Tired of losing people.
So tired of wondering
if its gonna take me getting rich
to actually meet and cultivate
some healthy lasting relationships.
Holding out for a miracle
or did I already throw in the towel?
Sometimes I'm not even sure.



(What Started Everything)

(Edited Version)

#?

Who are you

We see each other 

at the watering hole

almost everyday

you act likemy friend to the end
talk to me
laugh with me
sorta break bread with me
then when we are
out those doors
I never hear from you?

No phone calls

No textsWhat are you?
A gay friendly
opportunist?
with those big muscled arms
(because I fill that space
you see)
Am I that
no strings attached
HO
being pimped out
for the emotional amusement
I give you?

(or maybe if another bro came along

someone straight 

you'd likely replace me)Such a sad situation
in a way
two friends
an invisible wall

A glass wall

Unbreakable thoughJust can't cross that line I know

cause thats 

the world we live in

a world where

we can't always say what we feel

or have what we want

so many reasons why

things have to be

the way they are

(you know?)

so I go on.

(learned the art of burying emotions because I'd rather control them 

than let them run me)

Its not like you're perfect anyway (right?)

(yet still

who is right?)

I feel like I should be glad you at least talk to me
I get fragments

everybody else is fascinated by your masculine

quietly powerful mystique

I think 

(Its much safer this way I suppose. Keeping a distance I mean)Truth is
I'll never know the real answer to the question

about whether you are an evil genius

but its certainly no accident we bacame part time friends

and I suspect we are not total strangers in each others lives

it is 

in some aspects

a pretty small world after all.

Who are YOU?

You are the man who fades in and out of my view

like a damn ninja.

Yesterday turned out to be an interesting day. But I pretty much accomplished everything I wanted. I was up the whole night before playing God Of War on my PS4 and trying to get rid of this damn headache. Still coming down from the mess of depression I’ve been dealing with these past few months. Depression over so many things. On the job pressures, a slight persistent cold and drama….money issues….some bouts with loneliness, temporary insanity and some sense of disillusionment with film making the very thing that used to bring me so much joy. Wasn’t really able to turn to that anymore and you know why from my previous posts so I won’t revisit it again. (Man these dry roasted spicy wasabi edamame are clearing my sinuses!) I’m actually starting to feel like I’m becoming more of the me that was before although I still feel anxiety and general uneasiness (particularly when I go out of the house. I guess) To say video games and comic books help pull me back from the brink is not an overstatement. But then again they always do (pull me back from the brink) which is why I can never leave them alone. Its been rough but its been a lesson to me how the world of movies and even music can try to cheapen you and I can now say with all certainty I understand why some people have left it all behind. No matter how much money you make….well it can’t heal a broken heart. Money does make many things possible but I never got into this stuff to be rich I did it because it made me happy. I almost let some people taint that. Yeah I gotta pay my bills but I should not be made to compromise my vision. Anyway enough of that. I have moved on. Its all in the past. I’ve got other projects to worry about. So like I was saying….I was up all night struggling with God of War and surfing the web….dealing with a headache that is only just now going away after like THREE days. I’d gotten up pretty late in the day. I have the sleep pattern of a bat. My mind has been such a whirlwind because I’m focused on several projects. My first novel and its cover art. A new script for a short film I’m working on that I had to pay a gang of moolah to a well known writer to help me polish. An on off again comic book project and the impending relaunch of my SonsofLegend webseries that is taking way much longer than I planned but hey at least the script is done and I LOVE it. LOVE IT.  It was about a quarter to 12 when I got this text message from someone saying they were going thru some texts and found one of my texts. There was a photo attached of a man I have not seen or talked to in 2-3 years. Its funny because I do think about this individual frequently. I just assumed he lost interest and that’s why I never heard back from him. After texting a bit he called me. He said he’d lost my phone number. I like dude a lot I’m not even gonna try to deny it. He’s a regular guy which is cool. He’s incredibly cute too. He also happens to be HIV+. The universe must maybe want this guy in my life for some reason. Could be as a friend? I dunno. We never even got to have sex even though its something I’ve often fantasized about and acted out. Its silly to have wild crazy sex with someone from afar. Then sometimes the gods with their strange sense of humor will create the unexpected circumstances to make it actually happen. Sometimes. Looks like we might go out for dinner or something in a week or two. We’ll see. Speaking of friends from the past I had to let someone else go out of my life. It was not quite as dramatic as old boy in Oakland yet it was equally devastating because this was someone I’ve known for at least eight years. He’s an African guy. Someone I kinda had a crush on. He’s a Leo like me too. Whatever that ultimately means right? But bro might not ever admit the fact he can be overly mean spirited at times and just….I don’t even know fully how to describe it….he can be intimidating, demanding and just too fucking (unapologetically) cynical and critical. Plus he thinks he knows more about comics and sci-fi than I do. We got into an argument then he kicked me right where it hurt when had already gotten to the point where we really should not have said anything else. He said “I understand why yo boy in Oakland kicked you out of his house” I was stunned that he would even bring up something so devastating that I told him in confidence. The Oakland incident really shook me to my core and I was already dealing with a lot. The trip was to help me heal and now I lost someone I considered a friend. And now weeks later I’m dealing with the loss of another person I considered a friend. Its weird because I have seen some gay men who were so fucking mean actually mellow out and become nice people over time. I don’t believe they all started out being mean. Still its not easy for me to forgive personal attacks on my person when I am at my lowest. Then when I try to express myself telling you I need to step away for awhile your response is “Well if I can’t be honest with people then we shouldn’t be friends” theres a disconnect there somewhere. It made me feel like enough is enough and this guy is….well with friends like him who needs enemies? He’s gone. Maybe one day he will change but I have to cut out as much negativity from my life as I can right now because my psyche can’t take it. You need someone in your life who will try to pull you up when you are down not someone who will kick you when you’re down then tell you its what you deserve. Tired of being around mean ass people I swear. So that’s that. Theres no way in hell this guy would ever apologize to ANYONE. Why? Because it would prove he isn’t always right and that he doesn’t know everything. We can’t have that. I will miss him though.

Did finally get past those tough levels in God Of War. But I still ended up taking some sleeping pills that seemed to take FOREVER to kick in. Was thinking about calling in sick due to this headache. Was gonna cancel my meeting with the nice lady who’s helping me with my novel. Filling in the blanks. Fleshing out characters. Cutting the fat. Was thinking about pushing back work on the Sins of Legend comic too because baby I’m not made out of money and the rent is due this week! Must have gone to bed around 10:30amish. Got up early enough. 3pmish. Put on some music. Surfed the web. Brushed the teeth. Showered. Ate the leftover Vons chicken tortilla soup in the fridge. Took the vitamins. Watched some “Gotham” on “Hulu” then it was off to meet with my writer lady. We met at Denny’s (my favorite meeting place with the cute bald headed racially ambiguous waiter) She gave me some good tips then she walked with me down to Walgreens because I wanted to buy a bookbag to replace my Batman one which is falling apart as we speak. Walgreens had no bookbags (security asked for us) so my friend offered to drive me to Target which is where Walgreens said bookbags would surely be. We drove out to Target and they appeared to have no bookbags. Well except for the expensive ass ones a clerk pointed out to us near the “pet” section. So I got me an iron and and ironing board. Just as we were about to head to the counter writer lady reached over and pulled out one lone black bookbag that had just been sitting there somewhere that it really wasn’t supposed to be. And it was only $25.00. See I told you the gods have a strange sense of humor….

Funny the way my life has been.
People come and they go.
Some say things
do things
sending some things
that might be construed as clues
that they want
something from me
but I have no idea what they want from me.
People confuse the hell out of me.
Some come saying they wanna help fund me
then when its time
I gotta ask
and they go dark
offline
no call no show
no texts.
A big muscle man said hello
told me his instagram was hacked
when I asked him if everything was okay
since I hadn't seen him in awhile.
Tried to have a conversation
think I scared him away(?)
Always feel like I said the wrong thing
you know?
But perhaps I shoulda been suspicious from the start
that some big muscle guy
looking like that would wanna get at
a nerd like me.
Trying so hard
not to give up
but mostly I feel I already have.
Tired of people and the games
no one really says
what they want or how they feel
anymore.
Dealing with guys is just lumped in with
all those ugly
scary
mysterious things
probably out to get me.

Who has time for foolishness?

*
Keep thinking so much
of moving
moving somewhere
far away
somewhere I can start all over again
but I've not decided where.
Keep thinking its Michigan
or even as far away
as another country
ain't nothing to it
but to do it.
Just gotta save up that moolah
and decide what I'm gonna do with
all this stuff I've got.
Can't take everything with me.
So much stuff
videogames
comics
dvds
cds
gadgets
figurines
lego blocks.
Need to make a decision soon
keep feeling 2018 is gonna be the year it happens
the year the kid moves.
(After he gets his first book/film/whatever deal)

(Soundtrack provided by "Tall Black Guy" courtesy of the all mighty Youtube.)

Sometimes it blows my mind some of the crazy things that happen to me. Thankfully we are usually able to bounce back from terrible moments. Bad decisions. I had to learn a life lesson I guess. For some reason. Maybe this will help serve me in the future....it'll sure make me alot less trustworthy of people. Well staying with people when I take trips anyway. I pretty much had my entire vacation trip ruined by a guy I went to visit in Oakland last Sunday (never got to try the VR and missed the comic con too)  because after what seemed to be turning out to be a good fun filled visit he flipped on me during a stupid argument and then kicked me out in the middle of the night. It really put me in a bad situation because I was out in the middle of unfamiliar territory. Because of issues with my cellphone I had get a stranger to call a LYFT for me. Ended up catching a greyhound all the way back to LA.   Angry....confused and feeling sick mentally as well as physically I returned to my apartment to lick my wounds and recover. I still literally feel sick to my stomach at times when I think about how homeboy treated me. The way he put me out it was as if I was the ultimate evil committing the worst offense. All I did was in conversation ask him "What is your ideal weight?" He turned that into an interrogation why I asked then when he didn't get the answer he wanted and I tried to brush things off jokingly he snapped asking me suddenly to get out which I thought about doing early on in the argument. I wish I had honestly. Dude has some issues. he gained alot of weight and I paid the price for being concerned. Yet never did I judge him or try to come at him in any malicious way. Sometimes I wonder if this came about because of some recent mental injuries he's suffered due to brain surgery. Seriously the rage that came from this guy tore thru me like a razor thru cardboard. As long as I recall I've always been sensitive to psychic energy from people. Gotta learn better how to shield myself. Already got enough on my table. Don't need to absorb any more negative energy from anyone. So life goes on and a friendship died. Was actually NUKED right out of the earth leaving behind a damn crater but I will survive. Got too many other things in life to worry about. Hopefully dude will get some kind of help for his issues and just not hurt any more good people. Hopefully he will bounce back and his story will have a happy ending instead of one that is tragic and sad. Find your way back to the light man.

****

Finally started cleaning up around here. Finally started making some really progress in some of these videogames I put down a while ago. Finally got fully focused on a project. "Sasquatch and the Mythology Sisterhood" is that new project. Its another SonsofLegend spin off. Deals with the time misplaced Sasquatch of another age who joins forces with a group of women (some are sisters) who have powers. They all team up to fight evil. Its nice to be writing something and not bumping heads with anyone over decisions I make. Yeah it is good to work in a team. At times it is but mostly its better for me when I have all the control. Another life lesson I had to learn. I'm just about done with people telling me what to do or having control over my life. A writing team has agreed to work with me on polishing my new script. They're gonna give me a good rate. Typically they charge $200.00 per page but since my project is an 8 minute film they're giving me a reduced rate. Gotta fill out the contract and start with the payments this week. I'm pretty excited. Probably gonna wait until the script is done before I reach out to the cast or before starting to assemble a crew. Some folks said they might would be able to contribute moolah. Not gonna hold my breath though. I know how that goes. People talk a good talk but you gotta show me the money otherwise its just empty promises. I can do my webseries without anyone giving me money you know? I got a job. Still any help would be great. We will see if anyone makes good on their promises. Like I said....not gonna hold my breath.

****
Things are getting crazy with the Daughters project. I heard that there were some major disageements and threats of a lawsuit. Yikes. The film is done but right now things are on hold due to lack of funds and I guess because the guys have to sort things out. I am gonna meet with some of the guys later today to view the footage they shot. Last night on the phone Raulzilla said they needed my input on something. I'm still trying to distance myself from the project. Mostly I'm tired of being....well mad. Mad because things didn't turn out how I planned. Mad because so many changes were made on the script we'd worked on for so long. Mad because sooooooo much money was spent. Who knows maybe after I see what they put together today I will not be so worried about money. Nice Monster Productions really spent alot. The film is almost 30 minutes in length. The goal is to get it edited,scored and "special effected". No rush. Then they wanna either sell it to a distributer or put it in some film festivals. Since they have a couple of well known talents involved that should help open up some doors....make the process easier. Not sure what of myself I can give since I have my own side projects going on. As much as I adore Nasty Monster Productions I just can't go back to butting heads with him and all those arguments with him and Raulzilla most certainly caused me a bunch of nervous breakdowns. Migraines....erratic heartbeats and just a general sense of unrest always dreading what was coming next with conversations and meetings then much of my passion for the film dwindled. I'm okay. We're all okay. I guess after writing the basic concept and creating most of the characters I'm not sure what else I can contribute at this point since I stepped away handing all control to the fellas.

****
Wed or Thurs I took an Uber over to an event called "Game Night". Its put together by a local support group for Black gay men. I'd recieved a text invite maybe a few days before so I figured it would be a good thing to get out of the house and attempt to socialize. Unfortunately when I got there I had to turn right back around because the person who sent the text had gotten the days wrong. Turns out said event wasn't until the next day. There went my chance to try and meet other brothas into videogames. The guy really tried to get me to promise and return the next day but I told him it wasn't likely to happen. I was still kinda dealing with a slightly runny nose. This missed opportunity made me think about something a gay gamers group on facebook posted earlier today. The topic was if you were a gamer would you mind dating a non-gamer person. My response was about my own experience as a gay Black man who likes videogames. Many Black men I run across don't play the types of games I do. Usually they seem to be not sexually compatible with me or they don't even date other Black men for whatever reason. Also gay gamers like alot of gay men seem to be into those almost hyper masculine type fellas. I think alot of gay guys say they want a gamer for a hubby or whatever but it seems they actuallyare more into the types of guys who rarely play videogames at all. I think we want the unfamiliar or perhaps we are obsessed with being with hyper masculine types even if many have issues that make them non LTR material. Just my observation. Yeah it would be cool to be with another gamer yet from my own experiences other gamer types have not been into me. What I get is older guys.....fem guys. People REALLY out of shape or with social issues. Guess I've just learned to look at people beyond the surface. What I mean to say is just because "he" comes along and say the right things and is nice with seemingly good chemistry you have to look and see what traits he possesses. Is he just on good behavior till you get to know him? Is he simply using that charming smile and muscles to get by? With no real personality beyond that? You can be out of shape to a degree and I can overlook certain social issues because the world takes a toll on all of us but I'm not gonna just get with you because you happen to come along and say the right things anymore. Its more important for me to take the time to get to know you to make sure you are not out here to put a hurtin on me. I used to think that all gay folks would get along just like I used to feel safe whenever other Black folks would come around but that was a long time ago. People are all individuals who have to earn your trust over time just like after you spend some time getting to know them you'll discover if you can put up with each others shit. And it doesn't matter whether or not they are into videogames.

4.6.2018

MY SILENT YET LOUD VICTORY

Its been a week now
Almost recovered
Almost back to being me
Dreaming again
Cold is almost gone
Nose still runny
Stomach still queasy at time
Still trying to shake off those negative vibes
I absorbed over the weekend
trying not to think of my Easter
April Fools weekend as being ruined
because I did accomplish some things
about to launch that new webseries.
might have some funding coming in
just hired the big guns of writing
gonna start looking for my music guy
and my film crew soon
need to reach out to my actors
see if I'll need to recast anyone
because this train can't afford to wait for anyone
Life has to go on
2018 is the year everything changes.

Headache Fueled Rant (s)

Hard to believe some of the crazy things that have happened to me in the last year and some change. Came close to losing my job a few times. Spent alot of money. Only to watch it drain away like water down a drain on a project I once fully believed in until I brought in a bunch of folks and gave away the control. No one wanted to listen to my ideas and now the project is stalled. And somehow thats all my fault even though I stepped away so that they could do their thing since no one was listening to me. Money on their minds spending it full steam ahead no matter what it takes when all I wanted was to make a little film that could. They created some kind of jambalaya Frankenstein mutation I barely recognized as anything that came from my mind. Pushed it out like a premature child but it didn't have the soul I gave it. So hungry for that money, so many other hungry hands all up in that pot trying to stir that dough wanting to put their own touch on the golden egg their ticket to ride fertilized by a monster capable of fathering someone great only the nannies and the babysitters they all had their own plans and nobody had the answers. So I walked away from it. The arguments the threats of pulling the plug, the months wasted going over a script that was unceremoniously nuked when it really was truly the only bomb we ever needed. Now its all in limbo. Aint that some shit? But I'm good. Well getting there. Even though I feel like I pimped out one of my kids only to see her exploited by a system desperate to get her out there yet with no idea just exactly what kind of music she really was. As a result no radio station will play her. They can't decide how to classify her.

This past weekend 

after a silly little argument I got put out in the streets

like I did something so horrible to a man I once thought the world of 

even though he'd become a cranky paranoid nitpicking pessimist. 

I asked him what his ideal weight was 

all hell broke loose. 

Lost a friend

lost some confidence

freaked out

yet kept it together

two total strangers came thru for me
(Someone up there likes me)

An Asian guy

A Middle Eastern guy

an African American woman

guess they looked at me

heard me

didn't see the same monstrosity he saw

and they looked out for me

helped restore my faith in humanity
and in the end
helped take my mind off pursuing legal action
some battles are not worth fighting.

I never really stop thinking of how many enemies I have
Maybe I need to stop
Need to re-enforce
I am not this thing they see.
Its a struggle to recall who I was
before I came to this city.

Have to let go of
others ideas for me.
This is not always easy
Always someone there waiting to punce
steal self confidence
feed on the fear
feeding on your very joy of life

So many people
gunning for those of us still hoping
(crabs in a pot indeed)
I guess even if we were perfect
there would be someone out there who hates us huh?

Stay inside
healing the mind
losing self on projects
and entertainment
feeling so close to peace
so close might as well be so far away
I think.

No matter how good a person I am

or try to be

or try to believe I am

there will always be those 

who will NEVER see it

and the harder I try 

to prove myself

I'll dig an even deeper hole for myself.

So easy for the person who doesn't like himself

to hate everything 

or everyone else

to see their every move as some 

evil ulterior motive.

tired of being around this

tired of being affected by this

gotta get to that place

where all the positive thinkers are.

Need to keep it together

until I can get out of here.

Funny how
my life has been turned
topsy turvy
by 3 mentally ill folks
in barely that many months.
Good intent turned against me
at work.
Might not have a job to go back to now
I wonder.
In just one little moment
everything can change.
A misunderstanding
a slanted point of view
then a friendship dies.
I really have to ask myself
was it your intent all along
to waste my time
to ruin my vacation?
Was this all personal
was I thrown out because
you had some other plans for me
that didn't pan out?
I will ask these questions
for awhile.
The only answers are the ones I can come up with myself.
You got mad at me
because I asked an innocent question
nevermind the fact
I cama all the way up there
for a comic con we'd planned to attend
but you helped someone move
which made you late
then it was too late to go Saturday
and Sunday we drove
ALL the way out to fairfield
only to find there was no con on Sunday.
Would it have killed you to check the schedule?
I didn't get mad at that though.
(Wasn't I being a good guest???)
Nevermind the fact I passed on another con
since I thought I was going to one in Fairfield.
(Joke was on me!)
I spent a hundred dollars flying out there
then I had to turn around and spend 73 on a bus ride back
on Easter night
cold
foggy
stuck in the back
with a stinky bathroom
driver driving at superspeed hitting every bump
people sneezing and coughing everywhere
falling asleep on me
no leg room
and a 30 dollar cab back home.
So tired and feeling sick
just went to bed
hoping I was gonna wake up from a dream.
But it wasn't a dream.
I was betrayed
became the focus for hate
cast aside like a filthy rag
and although I'll ask
why did that have to happen to me
for a good while
I'll get better in time.
The pain will subside
Eventually I'll get past
how terribly I was treated
I'll stop doubting myself
stop blaming myself
thinking maybe
this could have all been prevented
somehow I should have seen it coming
but maybe it was meant to be me
or someone else would have experienced it
only worse perhaps?
Someday I'll laugh at this
One day.
It was the day you saved me $50.00
because my rent was surely about to be late.

So much the tale of adventurous irony my life has become.

Some years ago I recall offering just on a whim someone I knew who was not bad looking a pointer on how they could improve their appearance and after the argument that ensued, we've not seen each other since. Its been almost 10 years I suppose since last we even spoke on the phone. He told me that not everyone could be perfect or have a perfect life like me and I told him my life is not perfect in any way. Forgive me for daring to see you for what you could potentially become. Its not as if I am going to judge you for being where you are and reject you. But the reaction is to reject me for daring to suggest something instead of just saying this is me take it or leave it. I look at my life. I see things I can change and wanna change. Thing is many people settle. They don't chase their dreams or see what potential they have. Its their right and even though I'm pretty much accepting of everyone it doesn't mean I understand the way some folks are thinking. Guess I'm not supposed to. But I can certainly understand why some folks are loners or why they only hang around certain types of folks. One word or misunderstood intention and years of friendship can go flying out the door as if it never existed. We quickly throw away the people who really love us without a second thought and chase after those people or things that really are no good for us. 

Sitting here watching Star Wars.

Fired up again creatively despite all thats happened. 

How many times am I gonna see this movie?

Its crazy how the ideas keep flowing. 

Whether its the music acting as muse

or videogames

these things they help me bounce back

when life seems intent on kicking my ass.

Time to get the band back together.

Happy Vacation indeed.
(Or a sort of a cleansing)

I had to learn a hard lesson this weekend
my Easter weekend.
Turned Easter into just another day
I'd like to forget.
In all my 48 years I can barely recall
another black man
filled with so much rage against me.
So hard to believe mere hours before
we were all laughing and full of joy
then
one stupid argument
fueled by paranoia
and possibly helped by
that head injury
that changed your life
not so long ago
turned you into
someone I scarcely recognized
and ever fucking word I said
was like throwing gasoline on a fire.
So funny how one little thing
can blow up into a major terror.
Still can't believe
in the middle of the night
without a care for my safety
and with a devious glint in your eye
you'd put a friend out in the street
in the middle of the night.
I asked you
how would you treat your enemy?
Because nothing I said to you warranted your actions towards me.
I realize you are sick
perhaps thats why I can't  bring myself to hate you
but on my way back to LA this morning
I made a promise to myself
as I sat there scrunched up on a bus
I barely caught
after having to haul all my belongings thru a dark neighborhood
in the middle of night.
A young middle Eastern man hailed a Lyft for me
A middle aged sister made sure I got on that last bus
so for all the evil mankind has done to me
two of mankind will come along and save my ass
therefore I can't abandon the fact there is good in this world
yet from now on
when I take my trips
(Just like my $30.00 taxi driver said)
stay in a hotel
so you won't be in that position again.
That was the promise man
See you have changed my life.
Taught me a valuable lesson.
Actually several
as my instincts warned me to leave before the argument escalated.
I paid the price for not listening
and now I see first hand
why you are so very alone and unhappy.
I just became
an enemy you could see
and hurt.
In your hurt and paranoia
you completely misunderstood
the question about your weight
from
the person who thought of
possibly becoming your roomate
and becoming your workout partner.

You got me wrong bruh.

I will survive
as I told you when I left
you tried to reduce me
tried to make me feel less tahn
your moment of power is done
as my immune system recovers
as my nerves calm down
I know
I promise.

Never again.

(Rant)

Had some more craziness happen at work this morning. and I'm really starting to wonder just how much longer I can keep doing this.  It all started when the other security guard I worked with "Owen" took his first break. Well actually it was a foreshadowing kinda thing I suppose. I let in a couple of kids and one of them just happened to be this kinda short sorta chubby sexually androgynous guy who gave me trouble last week because I wanted to make sure he was on the list before letting him in. His exact words were I don't have time for this. Not tonight.  This morning when I let him in he just kinda stopped in front of me then walked past. He didn't enter the building. Only the area they are allowed to smoke in. Another kid told me dude was dealing with some mental stuff and he was gonna look after him. 

My edited incident Report on what happened.....

Security officer Owen took his lunch break. I was watching his side and I went to investigate the noise I kept hearing upstairs. He'd mentioned in passing that a client (you know who) who came in earlier was screaming,yelling and throwing things around. The time was roughly around 2am and when I went upstairs the client approached me and I noticed they were foaming at the mouth. He started to finger one of the zippers on my jacket and I backed away warning him not to touch. At that point he walked over and laughing loudly said "What if was to do THIS?!?" Then he pulled the fire alarm. I silenced the "Bamp" alarm but had trouble finding the right larger key for the beeping alarm. The alarm company called. I told them everything was fine but they were not able to stop the fire dept from coming out. I called my boss. We were able to find the right key to reset the small red fire box and my boss asked me to make sure I take a photo of the key so she could make sure its on every key bundle from now on. The police came for the client but since I was dealing with the alarms I didn't witness it. 

So obviously I survived but this was one of the worst things I have had happen and I just recently got in trouble because someone went behind the tv in the lunch room to take photos of my Roku so that I'd get in trouble. Then just like a month ago one of the kids somehow got inside an office where he preceded to try on the owners clothes. Its just been a weird season of luck for me or maybe the gods are trying to tell me something.

My heart was really pounding today when all the insanity was going on. Also for some reason the fire fighters made me nervous. It was embarrassing not knowing which key turned off the stairwell alarm which must have gone on for at least 15 minutes. It was the longest 15 minutes let me tell you. Am I being too hard on myself? Everyone makes mistakes right? Still I should know at this post not to let my guard down or get too comfortable. Many of the kids upstairs have all kinds of mental issues so going in everyday you never really know what you're gonna get. Some guards have been hit. I have had so many crazy things happen yet it makes me wonder if security should be handling these situations without some kind of mental health training. 

Over the last couple of years I have noticed that when stressful events arise at times my heart starts to beat at an irregular pace. Sometimes I wake up in a sorta panic mode. Sometimes certain noises seem to activate it and I have to just ride it out until my nerves calm back down. Much of this shit comes from the stress I endured over the years dealing with the worst next door neighbors I never would have imagined. Could be I'm getting to that point where for the sake of my nerves and safety its time to get the hell out of dodge. I like my job. Some of my co-workers have fantastic relationships with me. The pay is cool too and I have hella great benefits, plus I get to do plenty of writing in relative peace yet when stuff happens its usually pretty epic in scale. I just keep feeling I don't wanna work with troubled kids anymore and I long to be my own boss in better control over my life/health. I even spoke with a union rep about maybe changing my location. Gotta figure something out sooner than later.

I've a little time off next week. Gonna fly out to Oakland and visit a buddy. Maybe go to an amusement park or something too. Gonna try to relax, do some writing,save some money whilst figuring out a plan. Need to start enjoying life more and worrying less. Time to create that definitive work of art that sums up everything I'm going through in such a way it touches the world,changes the world and saves my world.