Confessions of a sad superhero book 64

 Sometimes I swear my thoughts seem fuzzy. Its like my brain feels like its been scrambled and its a challenge to keep myself focused or motivated. Maybe everyone feels like this at times. I describe it as being in a sort of funk. As if something or someone were draining my spirit and motivation somehow. Being in a place with alot of negative low vibration folks can chip away at a person I guess. Even spending time at home and caught up in my music...my videogames and movies sometimes it feels like I am not able to completely experience peace. I have considered going to a hotel just to put myself in a "quiet" zone. It could be that when one is at a crossroads in life and theres alot of strife happening psychic defenses go down. Immune systems act up and when you have so much with the negative reinforcements it can make you not even wanna get out of bed. There is so much going on in the word. We can try but you can't really cut yourself off from it all. Crime. Disasters. Family stuff. People getting old and dying. People getting sick. Threats of environmental damage. Covid happened. Its still happening actually but now much of the focus seems to be on this new thing...gorilla measles...chimpanzee pneumonia, monkeypox, or whatever they call it. The rising homeless problem here in Cali. Last week I practically had to step over a homeless dude camped in front of my building. Stores are getting robbed left and right. Then theres this insanity where folks just walk up and punch you for no reason at all. Honestly I do believe some of these people walking around are possessed. Maybe its something else. Perhaps someone got inside their heads telepathically to make them do these things. I'm just trying to find some rational explantions for why the human race appears to be deconstructing around me. No life is not all bad. There are some awesomely fantastic days/nights don't get me wrong. Its just at times...life feels like a horror movie. 

I think I'm doing okay. Haven't talked to my shrink in awhile. I kinda dread talking to her about somethings. Mostly its my thoughts on dating that I think she might get on me about. Honestly its as if a switch in my brain just turned off and in some ways I've become pretty damn close to being asexual. Why? Constant rejections and heartache. Mostly frustration and aggravation...I think I'm tired of others making me feel inadequate when they are far from being perfect and then theres this feeling of not really measuring up then its like that voice inside says "Why should you have to measure up? So what if this or that could be better in your life or so what if you don't have the body of an African god? If these people can't/won't see the good/value in you then do you really need them or their validation?" I just don't need anyone else to remind me of my strengths and weaknesses because I've gotten pretty familiar with them over the years. Just saying. I mean there are times I feel like reaching out but I don't because my life can actually be okay without some guy to hold onto. It really feels like that is a dream I need to let go of. So have I given up on guys then and if so do I have other options? I don't know right now. 

Things have gotten a bit weird with me and Captain Liberia. I think of this guy everyday and I constantly resist the urge to call him. The urge. It comes in surges then it passes. Usually, something else just ends up coming along and getting my attention. I think since I came to understand dude really isn't that into me I moved on mentally and who would want to go back to someone who might have actually used you to a degree? They say we all use each other to a degree. They also say alot of the time in relationships one person gives more than the other. I  mean it doesn't  feel normal or right that someone who says they love me would let like a month go by without at least calling to check and see if you are okay. There are times I look back and I feel disgusted seeing how so often it seems it was me doing all the giving and being attentive when there were so many signs something might have been going on with another person. Maybe he's starting to see that I have maybe reached a point of no return. If dude actually called me up and said Sergio come and live with me baby because I love you and want you here I'd make it happen. I would yet in my heart I just don't see him doing that. The longer I stay away it just makes it easier for me to want to keep away. There might actually come a day when I don't care anymore. He will find other people but I doubt they will give him the same spark you know? Folks do sometimes come around and realize what they lost and might have had. There are some people from my past who have tried to come back into my life but you think to yourself...what made you leave in the first place? What made you think I would still be here waiting? You find yourself thinking how you went through some really tough times in life and this person was nowhere to be seen...you survived all the shit and you didn't need them. You have gotten to a place where you really got used to them not being around. Yeah I am open to giving second chances but (and I know this is something that needs work) so often Sergio is quick to anger and hard to forgive others who have hurt him. He doesn't really trust many people these days. Can you blame him? 

Might do another episode of "Nerds With Badges" over the weekend. Probably gonna fly solo this time around. There are a few people I could ask to join in but the energy...its a problem. Also I'm planning to do something really big with this series in the future. Gonna hire a camera person and rent out a large space. Maybe I'll have someone else host? Right now I need to write out a structure and have set questions and time limits for discussions to keep folks (myself included) from going off on a tangent or long-winded rant. Still looking to get back to working on my films and its time to start figuring out what I'm gonna do now that my comics are nearing completion. I gotta talk to some folks who have gotten published. There's one dude who answered my craigslist ad for peeps who wanna be on my show. He says he has a book coming out so perhaps I can even have that be a topic to discuss on the show? Theres this cop guy who answered and he mentioned playing chess which is definitely something of interest because chess has always seemed so elusive for me to master. Could be that I feel so drained so much of the time because I am stretching myself thin with all these projects. I know just from having all that time off last week I could get much accomplished if I didn't have to spend 8 hours at this job. Its all about taking that leap of faith and quitting but before that happens I gotta hang in here as long as I can and save money. My rent is cheap so I wouldn't need to stay here too much longer however one needs to prepare well and I really wanna do this the right way. A good six months and I could have enough money to get me thru for awhile. Thing is I'm gonna have to say goodbye to some luxuries. Netflix,Hulu,Disney+ (I'm keeping Amazon Prime damnit!) and perhaps there will be a total STOP for purchasing new games (No I'm not canceling my God Of War pre-order) Also this taking Uber/Lyft frequently is gonna fade out. Comic book purchases are gonna dwindle too. I can just buy "Wonder Girl" and "Strange" for the time being (once the current storylines in the other books I read ed of course). Also in regards to the creative side of things, I wanna get back into drawing again and focus on getting better at acting. Theres also the small matter of completing my DragonManx novel (I kinda got stuck at one point) I started work on a fan fiction project some months ago. Its a comic that features the Bruce Willis character from "Unbreakable" I hired someone to help me with the story but she said her home was either burned down or broken into and the story she gave me was nothing like what I requested so I gotta go back over her script to make the changes. Its a strange situation to be in really when I gave her clear instructions based around the mythos of M Night Shyamalan's work but honestly I don't believe she has seen any of the films. Its also questionable whether or not she actually bothered to read the notes I gave her but the script can be salvaged once I insert the missing elements which explains why Bruce Willis character "David" is still alive. I'd actually written why but its never mentioned or acknowledged in the script. I'm not a bad writer myself but I get stuck and long stories eventually seem to run out of steam so hence the ghost writers. The more I use ghostwriters the more I realize in some ways I might even be a better writer than they are on some levels. I guess its in the more technical aspects where I tend to falter.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 63

 I think I had a battle with evil the other day. A simple little battle but I'm not sure if its a win even though the outcome was somewhat favorable. You see I'd posted a cool poster on my Instagram about the new season of "Locke And Key" I just said its a cool show about a family dealing with magical keys. Now obviously I like this show because I have posted about it before but this time this jive turkey posted "Its one of the worst show I've ever seen in my life" My response was "Its generally mean spirited to see someone post about something they like and you come on their post to bash it. Whats the point?" Dude took down his "troll stab" I like this guy. I mean  as a friend. he's another security guard and now that I think about it he would be a great candidate for my Nerds With Badges Show. I used to run into him all the time on my way home from our old Highland location because I had to walk past his workplace. Thing is I don't like when folks troll on my shit. If you dislike something don't rain on my parade. Bash it on your own profile or something. 

Didn't do much for my birthday. I went to the movies to see "Bullet Train" which I loved by the way. Then I was naughty and stopped by the local Baskin and Robbins for ice cream. Was actually on vacation all last week as my sorta B-Day present to myself. Thought about going to an amusement park but really didn't feel like going by myself so much you know? Still the fact there is literally no one here in Cali who reached out to me to do something kinda makes me feel like I need to get the hell out of dodge because this town has become increasingly lonely. I think the reality is I really don't have any friends here. Just associates who deal with me when they feel like it can benefit them mostly. This doesn't really depress me because I have always been a loner yet I understand one should have some sort of support system in their city/town/state/whatever. I guess I hoped NWB would help scratch that itch. Speaking of...

Damn folks are so fucking flakey and weird. They express interest in what I'm doing then they just ghost and I get the feeling since I am the one with all the passion NWB will be primarily me doing the show. I can do that. Like a month ago I started ordering equipment to shoot my program. I got a backdrop. I got a tripod for my Ipad. I got a light and even a wireless microphone(s?) The only thing missing is an ideal location because I don't wanna do it at my place. I could save money but I have VERY nosey neighbors and I am certain they will try to do something to disrupt my recordings if they happen to overhear anything. This is one reason I rarely talk on the phone at my place because of paper walls. I'll work something out because I definitely wanna shoot a segment this month. I don't really need anyone else because I've plenty to talk about (Microsoft's shadey Xbox Live card racket for one) and another ego might distract me and interfere with my chain of thought. 

My comic book projects might be ready to go to print soon. I gotta sit down and look at all the pages. I printed out a few pages just to see what it would look like and it felt really good to see that work and dedication paying off. I might still attempt to film some footage for Sasquatch this month but I gotta pay Steven so he can finish editing the footage we already shot. I know actors probably think I canned the project or flaked or something like that but emotionally these past few years have been literal rollercoaster rides for me. I went thru alot and it nearly broke me but I bounced back with renewed determination. Gotta keep your eyes on the prize to fight through the pain you know? Anyhow its time for me to leave work so thats all for now.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 62

 Yesterday in the morning I went to the grocery store. It was a pretty big deal for me because due to anxiety I put it off for awhile but I was out of soap and it came to the point I HAD to go so I went. As I moved thru the aisles getting the things I needed I encountered this brother doing some stock stuff. His energy was all mad and just downright nasty. I mean just the way he looked at me or tried to NOT look at me. I swear sometimes it feels like black men are the meanest folks on this planet. He was tall. Very light skinned. Handsome. Muscular. Probably multiracial. But the attitude and energy hit me like a bag of bricks. I was feeling really bad for hours after that encounter and I ran into him a couple of times in the store. You gotta be careful with eye contact these days. From my observation many gay men would love to entertain the idea of being with a man like that but when you get right down to it...well its not worth it in the long run. I mean to say what you have to deal with...its alot. Possibly closeted. Conflicted. Filled with anger and distrust. Maybe. And probably pissed that they have such an effect on folks they don't like. I have heard some attractive folks complain about this type of thing. I'm convinced alot of black people (myself included) may have some funky DNA or spiritual residue from the shit our ancestors had to endure. I think that may be why its so easy for us to hurt each other maybe in worse ways than the man ever did or could. All this is to say I am thinking perhaps I am understanding why so many gay men avoid the hyper-masculine types and also why so many of us are fem since we don't wanna emulate the behavior of some of these guys so often glorified by society. Guys who maybe at some point in our lives hurt us. Just my theory. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 61

 Time is just flying by and things are changing really fast in the world. Meanwhile I'm dreaming alot more frequently and feeling creative energies rise to the surface in spite of everything going on around me. Its a trip that I do seem to dream more often if I have "pleasured myself" and it also seems connected to the intensity of said sessions. Its like in that moment of ultimate explosion I am touching the spiritual plane or something. Theres this flash of bright colors and I feel as if a door has opened. No lie. That's the only way I can explain it. Sometimes I get the idea that the secrets of the universe are right there hiding in plain sight but most just don't take notice for whatever reason. 

Just yesterday there was a pretty horrific car accident at Labrea and Slauson (An area I used to frequent way back when I lived at Bell Shelter on Slauson and Eastern) This was the transfer point for going into Hollywood after getting off the 108 bus you'd have to wait there for the 212 bus. The whole trip from the shelter to Hollywood was around 2 hours depending on how long the buses took to come and the last one was around 9pmish so you were screwed and stuck if you missed it. Taxi's were NOT cheap either and no one had cellphones back then. A maintenance worker showed me the video of the car crash. It looked like something out of a crazy action movie. You see one car just barrel into others as it sped right thru a red light then you see cars burst into flames and debris flying everywhere. I swear I thought I saw a body fly out. 5 or 6 people died. One car that was carrying a pregnant lady, her 1 year old son and her boyfriend (all on their way to a doctors appointment)...no one survived. People onsite said they saw a baby in the street and tried in vain to save them. Apparently a nurse caused everything and she's in the hospital. They gotta check to see if she was drinking but I think she has already been arrested. There are times when I feel numb to the madness going on in this world yet thinking about this crash fills me with great sadness even though I didn't know anyone in that crash. It just seems so senseless to me. Many times I am in a car with someone and they just go as soon as the light turns green without really bothering to look carefully to check if someone maybe ran the light at the intersection. I was in an accident many moons ago when this happened. A car ran right thru the light and smacked right into the car I was in. I have also witnessed this right in front of my eyes years ago when I lived in Long Beach coming home from work walking from the train station and about to cross the street. Also a few years ago at the intersection near my apartment in Koreatown at 3rd and Vermont. I like driving cars in video games but if I never get my drivers license in the real world I'll not lose any sleep over it. If I do get it I'll drive something REALLY big with alot of protection. Maybe a hummer.

Warner Bros just made the decision to cancel some pretty big projects that were near or actually completed. Alot of money was spent and alot of talented folks won't get to have their work seen. I was actually kinda interested in seeing Batgirl which reportedly cost $90 million. I bought the first Scoob movie so its weird to me they canceled the sequel after already spending $40 million on it. DC can still make their connected universe stuff and simply brand all the standalone stuff as "Elseworlds" and release it either straight to video or some streaming services. Now there are plenty of folks happy Batgirl was canned but many of them seem to be of the caucasian persuasion. I hat that anytime you release a film or book or tv show that features characters who are not straight white males it is automatically branded as woke by people who won't even give it a chance or just judge it more harshly as a result of its protagonists background. The internet affords folks a great deal of anonymity to come out and say a bunch of crazy things that would get them punched or fired in real life then you have the tech savy maniacs who will go so far as to try and hack sites or review bomb stuff with "bots" so it won't do well. I don't know why people go to such great lengths utilizing so many resources and time when the sensible thing to do would be creating something (themselves) truly great since they are so good at criticizing what is or isn't up to standard. I have had people straight laugh in my face regarding my projects and try to tear me down when their own body of work (if there is even one) is suspect. It jsut bugs me how folks have made it cool or fashionable to be hyper-critical and hate everything. I've been told my opinons are suspect because I "like" everything. Thats not true. I just don't hate every damn thing like you do...