RAGING AGAINST A MACHINE.

Boy. Prince wasn't kidding when he said
"Just when you think you're safe"
Jeezus
I made the mistake (again)
of falling for another
talented Black man
misguided
enslaved
by some fairy tale like
interpretation of what he'd like to believe GOD to be.
Crazy enough to believe that shit
but not enough faith to believe in
what we could have been.
You know?
(You know to some degree we're all probably broken right?)
Its no coincidence he hasn't achieved his potential
he might never do it
like so many others I know
I can see them stumbling
yet they have to walk their own path
till the light bulb comes on
and all the bullshit falls away
bullshit they are holding on to
shit that holds them back
on so many levels
because the part of his brain thats supposed to believe in self
is devoted to something(s) else.
Told me this morning he decided to go for another opportunity
something he'd been pursuing for awhile
and that a chance came
that they'd been kicking it
and I swear just the other day
I felt something was off about how we were vibing
prior to Valentines Day and the days that followed.
Looks like I lost another one.

(But brotha did you really break it off
for the reasons you gave?
I think you left me to be with Jesus
and all your fans
who are loving
all those photos you like to post online
Its not likely I will ever know why you decided to fire my ass
and thats real....)
Mama said never discuss politics and religion
Maybe she was right
because I sure was
wrong
to think that you were he
him
the one.

Now I'm tired
more tired than I've been
for a good while.
Tired of not being enough
Not good enough
rich enough
smart enough
stable enough
TIRED of folks telling me
without even saying it
HOW FUCKING IMPERFECT MY LIFE IS.
You'd think they have all the answers
the way they carry on.
Yep I wasn't good enough
then again
its never enough
because sucker MCs always gonna find
some shit to complain about.
Even if a nigga was fucking perfect.
I feel like
I'm tired of being overlooked
and feeling like
like
I'm not good enough.
Don't know how much more I can take
think I might be
bleeding out
putting myself out there
taking that chance to believe in
something
then getting my face broke
over and over
when I'm already feeling like
like I'm walking on a thin line.
A thin line
light and darkness
damaged goods
feeling and just trying not to feel so much
thinking sorta thinking that
maybe the people that leave here so soon
really are the lucky ones.
What is this sort of damnation
having these feelings and constantly being rejected?
Why does this shit keep happening to me?
These guys
they come into my life
like trojan horses
then they get inside the defenses and
they just tear shit up
beginning to wonder if
I might have some kind of target on my back
All this spiritual shit
mysterious people saying they have the answers
when I know none of us do
because surely
this world would be better if it were so.

What did I do in my past life
to make this world rage
so much against me
making me
to rage
raging
so deep into the night
body and mind becoming so weary
as I ask

WHEN IS THIS SHIT GONNA GET ANY EASIER?

When.

Gotta get my priorities right
work on making myself happy
because
it certainly appears
theres no shining knight
whos gonna come and
help me make with the happy.
I've got to get
out of here
out of this rut.

Powers that be
please keep
these broken brothas
with all their issues
and ulterior motives
away
far away from me.

don't wanna keep
smacking my head up against this wall
writings on the proverbial wall
some of us visionaries
some of us
can't have
the romance
we slip into dreams of
can only watch others live the dream
a dream we are charged with protecting
(Irony at its finest)

Perhaps things might change
one day for me
but as of right now
I just don't think
I have it in me
to keep chasing after love.

Need to put that shit on hold
before I lose
whats left of my mind.

Taking the rest of the year off
diminishing the social media presence

Time to let myself mourn
so I can heal
then it'll be
time to pick up the pieces
time to move on
Bounce back
as they say.
Refocused
putting my energies where they can do some good
get this empire built
make this money
run after that which
so many believe is impossible.
Call me brave
call me stupid
call me determination
wrapped up in an often bewildered package
not programmed to forsake
the illogical ideaology
that I can do something great with my time here.
I doubt you could ever truly "get' me
man.
Crazy nerd
with big dreams
without a car to drive
without a body like yours.
They say he's (I'm) driven
in his consistency.
Some supernatural force guides him
they say
he's alittle off
but thats because he's an artist
(Can't you notice his shit is ACTUALLY getting
BETTER? Who would have thought it?)
and its funny
so many of them who believe in me
they're not even gay.
How much sense does that make?
On a mission here dude
keeps me up all night
hard to focus on much else
Its a shame I couldn't take you with me
It just be like that sometimes
Gotta keep keeping on
trying to patch these cuts
no strong arms to come and hold me in the night
so I make my own strength
while I look to the heavens
(Not so alone as it feels you know)
Strength fuels me
artists who came before
those yet to come
they talk to me
provides some comfort
giving wings
fast legs to outrun
more obstacles than you would ever know.
Smarter than you think
sharper than you realize
day will come when you will realize

You were wrong about me.
Was wrong about you
time to get right with
universal laws

Falling in line with who I am
even as the heart aches
recognizing some beauty within
even as the heart is broken
I'm building some confidence
while my army grows
the faith grows

Where there was numbness
it gave me the power to
run away
from all these
unreal distractions.

You were one of them.

And I can't afford to look back.
Won't lose myself
in your (empty/hungry) eyes
your words
or pleasures promised.

Time to be the change
to make the change happen
make some sense
thru this storm of
what I'm feeling
sort thru the emotional baggage
somebody else done messed with
at the airport
salvage something useful.

To do that you see
I gots ta run for awhile.

Please understand.

THE SUDDEN SHOCK OF UNSINGLENESS

I was seeing someone
up until recently.
Had to take a couple of trips to visit him
just to make sure
there was something there worth holding on to.
There wasn't.
I guess maybe somewhere in the future
far away in the future
I can
maybe forgive him
like I had to forgive myself
for being so stupid enough
to try and make something
out of something.
Truth is
I couldn't make him love me.
He said he loved me
but if he did
it was the most
unfeeling love I ever
never felt.
Only time we felt a connection was when he was inside me
and that aint enough to make me wanna stay.
There more to life than
good sex
followed by
long days of being alone
empty feeling conversations
one sided affections
so many things wrong with that picture
hard to believe
that I actually got used to that shit.
But when someone comes along
makes love to your mind
comes with some
good healing energy
and eyes that look
right at you
seeing the real you
its not hard to walk away from bullshit.
Funny that I made the decision to walk away
really walk away this time
like a month ago
you know?
He still calls
texts
facebooks
whatever.
I had to cut him off.
some pure primal instinct inside me
screamed
GET AWAY.
Then a few days before Valentines day
right when I'd just decided
this love thing
perhaps isn't for everyone
right then....
Coray came into my life.
It was
a sudden
shock
something that didn't even feel real.
I didn't know how to act.
This kind hearted
gorgeous man
he was interested in
ME???
Basically he made some sun come inside
despite it being all with the wind and raining outside.
And now I have embarked upon another one of my adventures
Well we have
he and me
because its not all about me anymore.
Of course dealing with all the guys I have before
it never was about me before.
I was but a means to an end.
I know it sounds cruel
but I'm simply telling it like it is.
Alot of these gay men
they don't respect love
when it walks up to them
they never really had it
so they don't even know what to do when
it walks right up
offering self
and some semblance of stability
(because two is waaaay better than ONE in this economy
in this day and age)
Some run away from it
Some try to hurt it
Mostly they end up rejecting you in the end
because most don't want no damn relationship.
Strange so many of us fought so hard to get married
when so many of us didn't care
since we already waded so far for so long in filth
it became the norm to us
wading in filth
lying
hypocrocy
religious (self) persecution
misdirected chaotic energy
raging
overflowing
confusion
yet that became the norm.
Sure I always knew it was gonna take a healed soul
to help heal me
from all that damage
(yeah like Mary said "I already know I'm fucked up)
and its easy to fall for someone like that
still I never gave it much thought
someone like that could love me
you know?
Not saying You are perfect Coray
still you are perfect for me.

Lord help me not to fuck this up.