THE SUDDEN SHOCK OF UNSINGLENESS

I was seeing someone
up until recently.
Had to take a couple of trips to visit him
just to make sure
there was something there worth holding on to.
There wasn't.
I guess maybe somewhere in the future
far away in the future
I can
maybe forgive him
like I had to forgive myself
for being so stupid enough
to try and make something
out of something.
Truth is
I couldn't make him love me.
He said he loved me
but if he did
it was the most
unfeeling love I ever
never felt.
Only time we felt a connection was when he was inside me
and that aint enough to make me wanna stay.
There more to life than
good sex
followed by
long days of being alone
empty feeling conversations
one sided affections
so many things wrong with that picture
hard to believe
that I actually got used to that shit.
But when someone comes along
makes love to your mind
comes with some
good healing energy
and eyes that look
right at you
seeing the real you
its not hard to walk away from bullshit.
Funny that I made the decision to walk away
really walk away this time
like a month ago
you know?
He still calls
texts
facebooks
whatever.
I had to cut him off.
some pure primal instinct inside me
screamed
GET AWAY.
Then a few days before Valentines day
right when I'd just decided
this love thing
perhaps isn't for everyone
right then....
Coray came into my life.
It was
a sudden
shock
something that didn't even feel real.
I didn't know how to act.
This kind hearted
gorgeous man
he was interested in
ME???
Basically he made some sun come inside
despite it being all with the wind and raining outside.
And now I have embarked upon another one of my adventures
Well we have
he and me
because its not all about me anymore.
Of course dealing with all the guys I have before
it never was about me before.
I was but a means to an end.
I know it sounds cruel
but I'm simply telling it like it is.
Alot of these gay men
they don't respect love
when it walks up to them
they never really had it
so they don't even know what to do when
it walks right up
offering self
and some semblance of stability
(because two is waaaay better than ONE in this economy
in this day and age)
Some run away from it
Some try to hurt it
Mostly they end up rejecting you in the end
because most don't want no damn relationship.
Strange so many of us fought so hard to get married
when so many of us didn't care
since we already waded so far for so long in filth
it became the norm to us
wading in filth
lying
hypocrocy
religious (self) persecution
misdirected chaotic energy
raging
overflowing
confusion
yet that became the norm.
Sure I always knew it was gonna take a healed soul
to help heal me
from all that damage
(yeah like Mary said "I already know I'm fucked up)
and its easy to fall for someone like that
still I never gave it much thought
someone like that could love me
you know?
Not saying You are perfect Coray
still you are perfect for me.

Lord help me not to fuck this up.