Confessions of a sad superhero book 7

(Soundtrack=Jurassic World: Fallen kingdom)

"THING"

They saw what was beautiful black strength
and they came for those beautiful people
looking down upon them as if they were not human
but a thing.
Something for them to exploit
This thing still thrives
on alien soil to this day
strives
fights against invisible chains
chains that won't let go because
the offring of the former masters won't let go.

Was brought here against its will.
Some say it was even betrayed by its own kind
yet it survived.
This thing was whipped
tormented in so many ways
watched its offspring
snatched from its arms.
Watched its women
raped
forced to breed
because the masters wanted more.
More strong dark warriors
More light complected house servants
with green eyes
and pretty hair
and they even taught some to read.
Some were almost as white as the masters
and slick enough
brave enough
to use that to save their families.
That fate was not the majority.
Most of the thing and its kind suffered in captivity.
How dare the thing resist
How dare it think it was deserving of more than
servitude?
What else is service without pay?
They thought of the thing as less than them
like some animal for them to possess perhaps.
The thing yearned for more
yearned for freedom.

At the plantations
the thing began to dream of being free
because captivity was making it sick.
Was sick in its spirit
and the sickness was in its mind
in its body too.
The thing was
longing for more
but laughed at
even by its own kind because
they had gotten so used to wearing those chains
chains that seemed almost invisible
and the truth is that freedom was/is an illusion.
Every day
Every night
being there
in this place.
The thing knew it didn't fit in.
Didn't think like the others
didn't really look like them either.
The thing knew it had to escape
some far off place of freedom was calling
drawing them.

Know your place thing.
Stay in your lane thing.
Your body isn't right thing
even though theres nothing wrong with it
your body is not acceptable to them.
They look past your beautiful mind
your playful spirit
and they drag your name in the dirt.
They don't understand you thing
or maybe you scare them because
deep inside they see themselves
when they gaze into the refective surface
of those eyes.

Forgive them thing
Try
Its key to your healing.
Your healing is something your enemies fear.
Some are watching to make sure you don't heal.
Stay in one place too long and the enemy learns your weaknesses
and your chances of growing are marginalized.

You are the thing
the thing that dares to think of more
dares to want more out of life.
And it scares some around you.
Scares the children of the former masters.
Some of the masters might still be alive.
They say bad people often live a VERY long time.
Mostly its the spirit or teachings that lives on in the offspring.
To hate what is different
to hold on like a maniac to that white privilege
white straight privilege
straight privilege
of being the majority
or just the ones who inherited all the wealth
created a system that makes it
so hard for the thing to climb out of.
Makes the thing strong
Hardens that thing so much
so much it won't even help its own kind
because its so scared to lose what it has.
The thing had to fight so hard
to get what its got.
Some of the things have so much
so many millions
while the other things are out there
in the wilderness just trying to eat
and feeling so lonely
because the rich things don't see us other things at all
simply because we are not on their level.

The cops see us.
Follow us.
Stop us.
Search us.
Pull guns on us and handcuff us.
They say some things fit the description
so why not?
Easy to say when its never happened to you.
Being a thing sometimes feel like
being trapped in a whirlwind of strife
a constant lesson of pain
banging ones head
struggling to break
these invisible chains.
So many chains.

My brothers wanna kill me
because I am wearing another color
Its madness
He wanna shoot other things just like him
because I'm in the wrong neighborhood?
Its madness
They wanna kill this thing
because it wants to be with a dude,
they wanna kill me because the anger inside them
it spills out
covering them like some infection
reason is gone
they feel I deserve to be killed
then they sit there in the courtroom as if
they have no recollection of what happened
because they are gone
just gone.
The brother poured all his pain into me
not the pleasant sexual release no
it was the punishing me with brutality Marvin sings of
the pain of being a thing
homeless
sick
alone
broke
strung out
lost on hope
full of angry energy he puts into every blow
every stinging word
every look at me as if I do not belong
in this world.
The wolverine berserker rage turned my brothers against me
even the gay ones don't know what to make of me
and I often so isolated
still standing
fighting the madness of being this thing society has helped mold me into.
I pray so much more these days
looking to the sky
looking around for spirits
battling psychic attacks
battling both metaphysical and the explainable
daring to not know my place as they say
(there is more to life than this)

You become the thing you think you are.
So like the things before me
I have to keep my eyes on the prize.
Like Yoda says
"Remember your training! Save you it will!"
Remember to tune it out
when it gets too loud
Remember to be gracious
and not lose myself.
Remember to control my emotions
not let them control me.
Look at the signs
keep the negativity at bay
realizing some relationships have to die.
Yeah I said it.
But above all keep love in my heart and never give up.
Sometimes you gotta regroup but never give up.
Even if I am a thing
with no soul
and my head is often a battleground of dark thoughts
I can still smile at a small animals antics,
cry over a childs suffering
and my creative prowess remains
while plans of escaping this plantation will spur me onward.

The thing has seen its future.
No matter what comes
this one knows what will come.
The thing knows it must dare to dream
dare to hope
dare to feel some desire of belonging.
The thing still has its inspirations
its music and some worldy pleasures
yet its art are its true swords
Hated
misunderstood
attacked
tormented
watched
discriminated against
because the kids of the former slave masters are stuck in the past
just like the fools they inspire with their ways of thinking.
You really wanna let go of us
things can never go back to how they were not so long ago
We are free things
things no longer things
but what we always were
kings and queens
and you don't need to fear us
so please stop killing or trying to kill us.
The war is over.
Blood was spilt.
No clear winners
and so much was lost.
The thing is so tired of fighting you when it already has to fight to survive this
brave new world.
Like Hulk....thing just want to be left alone.
Hulk only want peace.
Batman says "Trust no one" and I fear what this thing will become
if it completely loses trust in humanity to oneday grow the common sense
to escape its past and forge a better path for the future.

The truth has always been right there in front of you
we all belong here.
To destroy the thing you destroy yourself.

Why can't you understand that?

None of us are truly free if all of us are not free.

This thing I have become is part of the superhero costume I have to put on to face/fight the evils of the world.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 6

My mind was numb
numbed
wanted to laugh
and even wanted to finish watching a movie
or to play a videogame
But I really couldn't.
I guess I'm stopped up.
Maybe its why I have this cold
that won't go away.
I wanted to call you man but
I realized
thats probably not good.
I mean
you don't care enough to call
to see how I'm doing
So why should I?
What is it about you?
Pheremones?
That smile
or the fact we seem to have so many things we can talk about freely
with each other?
Maybe I'm the flawed dude without pheremones who needs to take some kinda chemicals
because I'm certainly not having luck physically attracting anyone.
Its ridiculous I'm wasting time thinking about people who don't care about me.
(I'm trying so hard to move past this shit believe me. So forgive the erratic behavior.)
I wanna talk to you
then I dont because I know it'll go
absolutely nowhere.
Truth of the matter is you have
so many of your own issues.
Its pretty obvious
and sometimes you don't look your best.
Sometimes I don't even think you are all that attractive to me.
Sometimes its hard being around you
and being in that stressful environment.
I guess this is what Anakin meant when he told Padme
she haunted him and sometimes he feels like he is in pain and unable to breathe
when she is near.
Is it crazy that I go back in forth in these emotions for a man
who cares not for my brand of company?
All I can do is wait and live my life.
I know in time
these feelings will wane
Probably still linger to a degree
but oneday
this aggravation
this too shall pass as they say.

Ima be alright.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 5

Sometimes I really hate people. They seem to keep trying to steal from me. I left the charging adapter for my $800.00 gaming laptop at my job and when I called today the guard I asked to check the room for me found nothing. I couldn't just walk into a room and see a adapter knowing full well it wasn't mine and just invite myself to it. Like over a year ago someone took my Disney mug out of the kitchen at our old location. I'd had that mug for many years so it had plenty of sentimental value to me. A few years ago in Detroit some brother stole pretty much everything I'd brought along for my birthday trip. Birth certificate. Passport. My camera Blueberry Teddy Bear gave me years ago. My PS Vita. My laptop. My Vudu streaming stick. An old cellphone. The Ipad Linus Paramecium gave me years back. I was devastated to say the least. Yeah as a kid I stole some things and I am no angel but just thinking back on it makes me cringe knowing I engaged in such behavior certainly not proper for a superhero. So I may have "lifted" a few things in my youth yet some folks take it to a whole other level. Taking my adapter probably won't do them any good because its not compatible with every computer plug out there. I had to spend like $70.00 to order a replacement from Amazon. I signed back up for Prime because that way I will receive the adapter by Monday with free shipping. Another thing....someone keeps trying to hack me for some reason. I had to change my Microsoft password weeks ago. Then the other day I got a warning that someone in Bangledash tried to log into my AOL account. Just what the hell is going on???

Yesterday I went out to Kaiser after making an appointment because I wanted to get a test (to make sure I don't have the rona as they are calling it) My results came back rather quickly (via a phone call) and I was really relieved because it would have opened up a big can of worms. Thing is I had this cold that has been so persistent. So even though the symptoms were mostly non-rona-like I wanted to at least get checked to see if I had anti-bodies. I really didn't want to put anyone else at risk you know? The whole testing process was weird. You call. Then you make an appointment to speak with a nurse who asks you about your symptoms. Then another nurse calls you to tell you exactly what time you should be available for a phone call with a doctor. Then the doc calls and after talking with you decide whether or not you need to come in for a test. They only JUST recently made tests available to the public. Thankfully I have a three day weekend to recover from whatever has been going on with me. I am sure it has a lot to do with last weeks encounter with "that guard" and other things going on that have stressed me out. My nerves are just shot from being at that place and surrounded by so much negative energy. Truthfully I feel I am on the verge of quitting and I probably should but I want to try and save up more moolah. At least I have been getting inspired to write some new things and my co-writer sent me a text asking me a bout a character in the story. So I guess that means she is working on it. Its been almost a month since we last spoke by phone. Meanwhile my artist for "Gerbilla" says his wife has him working  on other stuff so I just don't know why I am not actively looking for another artist to take over the book. its not like I can't afford to pay them. Although I would rather not dip into the money I am saving for "the move" whenever that happens. 2020 or early 2021? Decisions decisions.

I spoke with a cool dude on the phone yesterday from a dating app. He and I had a nice conversation and well physically I am not sure how attracted I am to him. Wasn't a big fan of the photo he sent me. I dunno. Part of me wonders if its a test you know? Sometimes people send fake pics to see where your head is. One dude who messaged me I told him it was a nice photo he sent but I was more interested in getting to know him as a person. But trying to get a conversation going with this guy you'd have thought I asked him for blood because it was all very short....brief....almost makes me wonder if he was trying not to say much. Or perhaps there really isn't much of anything else there besides the good looks. I like masculine guys who are funny and just cool to be around. These seem to be very simple qualities I know but really I find many guys wouldn't know a sense of humor if it walked up and bit them. Some people are just so FUCKING boring its ridiculous. I mean its like their personalities stuck on "bland". Like that button I had years ago said "My personality might be annoying but at least I have one" And no I am not looking for a damn super model or a muscleman. But I do want someone who is pleasing to gaze upon. Please higher power if you are reading this send me a reasonably cute man with a sense of humor and let him not live close to or over a hundred miles away. Please keep these angry and manipulating black men who don't know what they want far far away from me.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 4

I don't know what it is with me and women. Well power tripping mentally unstable enough women. (This even extends to family. Examples include my step sister Beverly who I recently went out of my way to get an Xbox1 for so we could play games together. It's been a whole month and not even a phone call to say thanks. Just the faintest of  online social media messages, but this taught me a painful lesson on where I stand with her.) As a gay man I do have plenty of teacher figures and inspirational muses who are women but my most potent enemies throughout much of my life seem to be women. Coming after me relentlessly as if they are driven by some supernatural force telling them to destroy me because they won't stop even if it is clearly not in their best interest. Take these particular women from Bangladesh who live in my building. They have orchestrated a campaign of hate against me that goes back almost twenty years. (I am sure some men of their clan have chipped in. Spreading rumors and harrassing me for YEARS. Just enough to avoid detection or basically not leaving much evidence I can go to the police with so it appears I am the one with the problem or whatever. They are just lucky video cameras were not installed in here until recently)  Yesterday at work a certain female co-worker came in and went in on me like she always does. Now I am a pretty level headed person much of the time and I suppose I appear meek or something because she is constantly doing things to push my buttons. I have complained to my bosses and nothing hs been done. Yesterday was already crazy enough because a homeless guy tried to run into me with a tent he was carrying on the street. Hell life has been crazy already with this whole Panda Pandemic thing going on. Stinky homeless people on the bus. Crazy people fighting at the bus stop. Crazy people carrying only GOD knows what coughing and sneezing near you without a mask or without a care. Angry folk are everywhere and you can cut the tension in the air with scissors because folks are on edge. Folks wanna go back to work because they have no income coming in but due to the shutdown businesses are closed. At the job we have clients coming in and out all thru the night exposing us to only GOD knows what. Staff members are getting increasingly weird and gossipy. Moody. Eavesdropping on conversations and whatnot. Being inconsistent in their behavior. I work around or with some truly fucked up individuals. I guess we all are fucked up in our own way but honestly I feel as if I have somehow become public enemy number one at that workplace. The more I open my mouth to try and fix or make sense of the people around me it just seems to make matters worse. One guy I really liked even though we have so much in common I had to come to grips that he like so many other gay men would rather lust after the unattainable straight appearing masculine dudes who don't even know he exists when something special is right there in front of him. I see he isn't into me but I have also seen one day that will probably change. People don't miss the water until its gone. Chaka Khan made a song about that. Actually yesterday at work was a reminder its time for me to start planning my departure from the lgbt center. It is time. I guess it has been for awhile. Maybe but now it just feels different. I found myself feeling those familiar pangs of anxiety again after everything started piling up. I was triggered. Mostly it was by HER. That co-worker. These are the types of people who make normally nice people suddenly snap and that can't be me. I have other plans for my life.

My co-writer hasn't submitted anything and I'm still waiting. Its been almost a month now I think. Meanwhile the artist working on my comic hasn't submitted anything for weeks so I am gonna have to start looking for another artist. My hunky co-worker (who I heroically helped get to work by calling him an uber and assisted in moving furniture last week) has some interesting business outings he is involved in. I would like to invest but since I like him it might be kinda weird as I am trying to keep my distance. Weaning myself I suppose. Out of sight is out of mind. Mostly. He just has the most beautiful dark skin and his smile lights up the room. See? There I go again. Trying to be in business with a crush....it just feels like a bad idea all around. To help me move past him I put myself back on the dating scene again. Via dating apps. (So far as usual its mainly those hot African out of towners with tales of woe trying to get at me) Am I doing something to attract certain types of guys? Is this a spiritual thing as I suspect? Is it wrong to want to attract some hot thug guy fresh out of prison looking to partner with a nice motivational figure?  Then again it would be nice to find a hot thug/nerd hybrid. I think that would be the best?  There may be a secret admirer lurking in the shadows. Possibly on PS4. I guess I could be reading too much into something thats not there. I guess in time the truth will out as they say.  Anyway I have been taking my head shrinks advice in looking for another job. Since I am no longer really happy at the center. Sometimes I think if I just quit that would give me the incentive to look for something else. Thing is I have a magic number in my head. I'd like to save up for the rest of the year so I can have a safety cushion. Plus I have some medical/dental stuff to take care of first and foremost. So I can't really leave yet. Just the fact I have begun saving money and looking around for other opportunities does certainly make it feel less like I'm trapped in this situation though. I've been looking at flights too. They are still relatively cheap but going back up since states are starting to ease the lockdowns. I may take a trip to Detroit soon or perhaps go visit Captain Liberia in North Dakota. Shit maybe if I can pull off saving up for the rest of the year and avoid the loonies or loonie situations I can go stay with Captain Libeia and give my poor head a chance to clear and right itself because I think its safe to say I need some time off. I was almost on the verge of taking a crazy pill today which is something I've been able to put off for months. (I've kept just one pill just in case) Didn't go to work tonight. Probably won't for the next few days because I am still pumped from yesterdays events and possibly other built up stuff. How pumped? I woke up heart racing and just feeling a strong sense of gloominess. It can tear you up going to a job you don't wanna be at especially when you are already dealing with shit. At some point the reality is you have to get out of that situation so you can grow not just as a person but also artisically. I know its probably cliche' to say this bu please make sure you have some money in the bank before you walk away from a job and if you can try not to burn bridges. In other words give that two weeks notice. In regard to that there are a few things I need to take care of and then next month I gotta cut down on the luxury spending. (No that does not mean that I am getting rid of my internet!)

Confessions of a sad superhero book 3

Things are starting to open up again and it feels kinda weird. I mean....theres a part of me that is worried it might be too soon. But then again theres been a lot of debate over this because so many people are out of work now and the economy has suffered. A stimulous check was sent out to help folks get back on their feet. Its $1200. Not a lot of money but to some of us it might as well be a million bucks. I got mine thru my H&R emerald card but for the most part I'm gonna just let the money sit there in my account for a rainy day. Maybe it can go towards some projects or I can invest it in a business one of my co-workers has. This is the cool cute guy I have been having a crush on. Although I have been coming to terms he and I can't ever be anything more than friends. Call it a spiritual epiphany of sorts. I did have a pretty intense dream about him but I realize it was just a fantasy playing out that's not gonna happen. We do have a lot of things in common but sexually we are not compatible. And even if we were he's just not attracted to me. So theres that. I did help him move some furniture into his new place this past weekend and that was cool because he certainly needed the help. Pretty sure he would not have been able to move that couch by himself up those stairs. It felt good to help someone though. Speaking of helping others I had another epiphany about something I have though of before actually. I think I have a gift when it comes to helping folks dealing with mental issues such as low self esteem and motivational stuff. So I would like to explore some opportunities in that filed. My head shrink feels I should certainly start looking into other job opportunities since its become clear I NEED to get out of security. Its time for a change.

I decided the other day it was time for me to start thinking about dating again too. I mean....Captain Liberia seems to be into me at times but its obvious we are not equally into each other. Maybe over time our bond kinda weakened? He rarely calls and I don't call as much. He's not the most stimulating conversationalist. I am still very much attracted to him but I think he and I are too scatterbrained at the time to focus on each other. Plus theres the whole distance thing. He did say I was welcomed to come stay there but I don't know. Perhaps if I had more money saved up you know? And getting back into dating again has been weird. Lets face it it has always been weird. I created an account for an app I basically said I was done with awhile back but its good to be at least trying to connect with someone else. Makes one feel human I guess. Thing is so many of the profiles are full of ass and dick photos or no face pics. Hidden face pics. The app is full of spam and hidden links that take you to raunchy sites when you click on things. Its so strange also that the whole site is littered with sexual imagery. Dicks, dildos and asses. I honestly hate looking at it and it saddens me that the gay community has taken such a steep nosedive. No wonder many of us don't take relationships seriously and are only about sex. For the most part I get hit on by white or Hispanic guys who I am not attracted to. It would be one thing if these were folks I thought were nice to look at or if I even had anything in common with them but the profiles are usually boring or just barebones. I swear at times it feels like I have somehow lost the ability to attract black guys too because they just don't seem to be into me at ALL. Honestly I do have some theories but I really don't understand whats going on. Women certainly notice me but I'm not into them. I was joking with that cute co-worker about one day having a girlfriend and some kids in the future. Stranger things have happened. I'm just not really into women like that though. Mostly I get the notion I am just in the wrong location or something. African dudes hit me up online quite a bit but I don't take them seriously since much of the time they start asking for money or help getting to the U.S. as if I could actually do anything. I have been invited to Africa though. Sometime next year I would like to move someplace else. I guess when I get my passport again and birth certificate (that a black man stole from me) I can consider leaving the country. I wish I could go live in Japan or someplace else exotic. If only I had the money. Speaking  of money I'm starting to think about doing more film production soon and I recently had one of my artist's start back on the Gerbilla comic. You gotta play the game to win it as they say.

Confessions of a sad superhero Book 2.

RANTING (mostly about terrible experiences with people!)

Please
Please
Please
understand
I didn't want us to be enemies
really did want to let you move in but man
I was going thru so much shit
And I wasn't ready or willing to let anyone in.
(Plus my place is too damn small!)

****

Called you cute 
and you let it be known 
that under no uncertain terms will any at work flirting be tolerated.

And I guess you were not flirting when you kept mentioning needing a massage. 
You sent a message by not offering pizza
while offering everyone else)
super cool to me at work
while basically nixing any of my attempts at an outside fraternization.
You are the master of mixed signals

You broke my clippers
Broke 
Gave away or 
sold the Xbox I gave you.
(Geez I wish somebody would buy me a game console!)

-Sometimes I swear men make me so confused-

I should have just taken the hint when you refused a role or always had excuses not to break bread together.

Was it so wrong I liked you?
I never crossed the line
I ain't that kinda guy.
Maybe it scared you?
(You'll know one of these days
What you tossed out with the trash.
Because I coulda been a great friend)

I might have some sort of whiplash accumulated
from all of the people
suddenly cut me off
never telling me why
got a brother wondering
how we came to this place in space and time.

(I understand that we cannot all be 
each other's cup of tea
but this shit is ridiculous.
I can't be that awful a person can I?)

Fell out with me a year ago
because of Marvel vs Falcon
stopped talking to me
I never found out why(!)
Then you got another job
then you got a pet
tried to have some girl friends.
Called me up out the blue
wanted to come over
wanted to borrow something.
-Sometimes I swear men make me so confused-
 Because sometimes I swear I see SOMETHING in your eyes.

******
Now you walk to another bus stop to avoid me
(Who in the world put that in your head?)
and I still can't believe we fell out over a video game
or that you put me out on the street
had me sitting at the dentist
 with a mold
in my mouth
because I talked too much.
Took my ceramic mask and shattered it.
Walked away when I mentioned the name of my comic
then tried to belittle that passion
Spat on me
Kicked me
Slapping me
back of the head
back of the neck.
Can a brother walk out to the store
without some fucktards laughing at me?
Constantly on me for little things
never compliment me on anything
Forced me at gunpoint out of a car
because I looked like the suspect.
lunged at the bus window when you saw me.
There something at the bus window
and cuz I didn't get on
with you and you arguing trans girlfriend.
Told me I had a demon in me making me gay
Told others in the church.
Rolled with me in the hay after seducing me
Fucked me
Told me it wouldn't happen again
Then acted like I did something wrong
and I had no idea you were cheating
Fucked me and didn't use a condom
(Didn't tell me you were positive)
Fucked me
broke the damn condom
Didn't infect me
but you still
changed my life
with that chipped tooth you gave me.
Manipulated me
lied
turned the man of my dreams against me.
Wanted to hurt me
because I like dudes
got on the phone
with yo moms
told me I couldn't enter heaven
Because of what I am.
Shit I went to the store without my damn wallet.
Told me you was going to Jerusalem.
Tried to convince me my life was getting better
since the dark forces were helping my gay ass.
Since when?
Since when did other folks become such authorities
on how I should live my life?
Why do people subscribe so strongly
to bullshit that trumps reason and logic?
Folks fighting so hard to keep me unhinged
All this hate and rage coming my way
Like I'm the true face of all evil
a serial killer
the damn antichrist
a fucking menace
so many things that I am not
and I'm so tired of people treating me this way.

Made me make a vow
to find a way to come back
somehow
Just to make sure
they can't keep doing this to other people
because on the other side
You better believe it's a level playing field.
Best believe darkness won't rule forever.
A spanking is coming....

I am imperfect
I am of certain spiritual gifts
but I am still
Just a man
out here
trying to survive
trying so hard to do the right thing
Struggling to lay a foundation for something special
and it seems this world hates me for that.

When are things going to get easier?

Stop trying to make me this cautionary tale
like I haven't figured out
you treat a man
like he got a disease
you tell a man he has a disease long enough
he might start to believe it.

Gotta crawl out this barrel
so tired but gotta take back this energy
get back the stolen energy

When will Sergio stop giving his energy
to losers who don't deserve it?
some folks so full of negativity
it seems to ooze off them
trying to crawl in me like ants.
Why didn't I notice this before?
got me walking around
spiritual bug spray
on mind and body.

When will you understand
my dreams are
inevitable?

When will those portals open
and all the other Avengers come help
all the rest of us super heroes left standing?

I just want to be loved
 me this thing
this soulless automation with a spark
a power
this robot who doesn't act like all the others
so they punish him for it
as they don't understand it
won't understand it.

been stuck in a matrix so long
some with the light forgot they had it
That can't be me.

(Why this tablet sabotaging my typing?)

Where's that reassuring love
dreamt of in this heart of mine?
I just want to make peace with the possibility
it might not ever happen.

No car
not a musclebound
hyper masculine hunk
with a million dollars in the bank.
others won't see any worth in me
and sometimes it hurts
only cuz I stop focusing on my goals
letting those distractions creep in.

Gotta stop letting folks
hiding behind insecurities
lay them on me
like I'm a target.

I just want to
be able to let all the shit folks fling bounce off me.

Maybe other people take this for granted
because
They already have it.
I'm not quite there yet
I just want to be strong enough to
face incoming cars at the bus stop
strong enough to bask in the glow
 of my own self worth.

Question is will I need an emotional support animal to do it?

Stay tuned I guess.

Confessions of a sad superhero Book 1

(To Tall Black Guy tribute to Roy Ayers)

$6000.00

Took me a minute to get here
so much building up
walking around
like nothing is wrong
but its all kinda like a rug with a bunch of dirt under it really.
That dirt
dust
I am gradually getting some of it out from under the rug
but the truth is
I will probably never get it all out.

I think
even though I soar at times
the valleys are low
parts of me are broken.
Some is my fault
some I blame the world for.
Bad people
coming after me with their shit.
Bad intentions
buzzing around like gnats
never too far away
mosquito-like
attempting to suck
the joy away
These
crazy folks trying to hack my life
like those who keep trying to hack my online accounts
(What exactly are they looking for (?) because I don't have any money)
Whats the point
(To make me crazy?)
Its ironic
the crazier I feel
the crazier everyone else seems.
Some kind of discerning gift?
Just like I dream so much
when others around me seem like they can't
or won't.

I'm trying to fly above all this
despite the current state of the world
damn virus everywhere
taking lives
changing everything
buses free
crazy folk everywhere
and its illegal to not wear masks in public now.
People who like you
resist liking you.
People are angry at you for having passion
and its getting so hot outside
no rain in sight.
Can't go visit your family because
you don't wanna risk getting sickness
potentially giving sickness.
The pres who lies
all the time
(and is constantly forgiven for it)
doesn't believe in science
wants to grab women by their privates
and is a scareda the NRA
backed by the KKK.

I struggle trying to make myself clean up
struggling with fatigue
wishing someone would come and massage me
yet no one comes
the phone doesn't ring
and I'm stifling these emotions
tryna accept maybe this is just the way its supposed to be.
Its a real adventure I'm living man/woman
chasing after these ambitions
watching as a part of me seems to wither away.
Feel like I gotta run away
and one day I will.
As soon as I have saved enough money.
$6000.00 is all I need.