Confessions of a sad superhero book 29

 (To KCRW 11pmish-12amish)

SOMETIMES INSIDE

Sometimes inside 

I cry

I wish the tears would flow outward but

they just stay inside

hanging there 

like fruit that refuses to fall.

I'm crying because of all the fools I've suffered.

I'm crying so much inside these days

Thinking about

all the 

people

animals

family members

who cried out to me in their own ways

because they needed me

but I was so lost inside

so busy fighting to live

fighting my own demons

chasing these dreams

and I admit I gave so many undeserving fools my heart

which they rejected

trampled upon

and ripped it to so much of a shredded mess

I was in a very dark place before I pulled back my heart 

mangled akin to a hand 

that had been outstretched 

to a rabid beast 

ultimately beyond any aid I could give

before they could bite it anymore.

Truth be told

most of the times the signs were there

I just chose to ignore them.

"When a person shows you who they are the first time believe them"

I think I'm tired of forgiving fools and letting them stain my spirit.

Its time I gave my love to my family

to those who have tried so hard to reach out to me

to those I may not even know who desperately need or needed me

God knows I wish I could turn back all the years I've lost

So much "Wasted Energy" Like Alicia Keys said.

The tears I'm crying inside

they threaten to come to the surface

knowing friends and family are getting older

time is slipping away

like a blink

and I need to reclaim what I've lost before its too late.

So many are gone

people and animals

I would probably give anything if I could

just to hug them again one more time.

Anything for a chance to tell them how much I cared

and I can feel some peace because I know somehow they must know

yet I can't let those still here become mere phantoms in my memories

photos in a scrapbook.

I can't be this fool who cries inside anymore.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 28

 

(Exhibit A)

Hello everyone. I just had a nasty run in with S/O XXXXX and wanted to make a record of it while I was clear in my mind. I came in around 9:00pm and I asked S/O XXXXX if there were any pass downs or call offs and XXXXX said no then I went upstairs. I started my patrol and when I came down to check after Admin didn’t reply to my radio check XXXXX said “What the fuck?!?!” and basically went off on me while I was trying to explain to her I didn’t know that her relief wasn’t here and that I wasn’t starting at the desk tonight which was why I didn't come down before. She was very angry and asked me why I wasn’t HERE and just her manner was completely unprofessional as well as disrespectful then she basically stormed out.

(That was how my work night started)

I'm convinced some of these people that work here are out of their damn minds. 

I promised myself if anything else happened that pissed me off I was going to give my notice but instead I called my supervisor. Not just to tell him what happened but also to let him know the other guard (also the same person I had the epic falling out with who is now dealing with health issues) who was to relieve XXXXX hadn't showed up. Dude told me to send an email to our boss so I was just about to send the message above when XXXXX called to apologize. I asked some people for advice and it seems sending the email was not the wrong thing to do but since XXXXX did apologize (which is something I can count on one hand the times that has happened to me) I decided to not go through with sending the email. Somebody told me XXXXX must have somehow felt what was about to happen when she called! Maybe she did. However I realize I gotta stop being so friendly to to folks on the job because they lose seem to lose respect and think they can talk to me however they want and get away with it. I was raised to be respectful yet it appears alot of folks apparently didn't get that memo. Either that or they just have poor people skills. I realize I am often in the company of some genuinely not nice folks and they can often hide this which is making me get to the point where I don't wanna trust anyone. I mean I have my own problems to deal with and I can't be an emotional punching bag. Especially when I am walking on a thin line myself.  My right leg has been bothering me and I have been feeling really strange lately. Like my body is fighting off something weird maybe because of stress thats affected me. I was about to go to the doctor yesterday but decide against it. I don't really have anymore sick time left after all but I keep feeling like if I could get a good chunk of time off it'll do me alot of good. Sleep just feels like sleep. When I'm at home I don't really seem to have the time or energy to really relax. I feel on edge like some great doom is hiding around the corner. My place is a mess and because of everything going on now everyone here in Cali is encouraged to stay home. A buddy wanted to come hang out this weekend but I declined. Just trying to be safe you know? I am pretty sure I've been exposed to something and although I've not really gotten sick and I did get negative Covid results I don't wanna risk becoming a carrier. You know just because your body can fight off something it doesn't mean you can't you know carry something around with you. So again I just wanna be careful. Taking public transportation like I do and seeing all the homeless folks riding the bus you never know what you are in the presence of. Not gonna lie company would have been nice but theres a part of me that sort of has a crush on my buddy. Its nothing that strong but I'm really trying to not feel anything for folks who don't feel anything for me. Recently this type of thing almost cost me my job you know.... Its true often absence can make the heart grow fonder yet over time fortunately crushes simply fade away. I simply do not have the time or energy for foolishness and I can't afford to waste what little mental faculties I have left on "muggles". Seems a rather large part of society falls into the "muggle" category. The other night I was talking with a co-worker who is just so damn negative about everything and seems determined to suck the joy I have for things out of me. It does seem "in" now for folks to be cynical and jaded about things and this know it all attitude and unwillingness to branch out or try new things really irks me. These are qualities I pray that the man of my dream (if he exists) won't have when we meet because it WILL run me away. 

Its really strange to me that I get virtually no play from American dudes but these guys from Africa keep hitting me up online. Some of them are sexy as hell then its all smashed to pieces when they start asking for money. This seems to happen 9 out of 10 times and I'm just not the one. There are alot of these fellas who have made it the thing to do trying to scam American gay men. Especially when they know you are emotionally vulnerable. They try to get into your head and manipulate you. My own family doesn't ask me for money. Well my brother did once. Still I think it takes alot of nerve to just outright say "Send me a phone. Buy that for me and send it to me" Just assuming I'm loaded or something. I'm not and I don't really know anyone who's got it like that or they haven't told me. Thing is many of these guys from Ghana and Nigeria are drop dead gorgeous and I'd definitely date them if they lived closer. I can't do the long distance thing. been there done that and hated it. Also if you send me photos and won't video chat or talk on the phone....I'm sorry....but I'm thinking you have something to hide. Captain Liberia came over here and did really well for himself. In fact he's a tough act to follow. Lately it's dawned on me I could be running away from how I really feel about him....

Donald Trump seems to have failed in his attempt to hijack himself into another term. The Supreme Court basically told him to kick rocks. Him and his cronies wanted to throw out millions of votes. The crazy thing is he got so much support. I was getting worried for a minute. He's got folks believing the election was rigged. Folks chanting "Stop the steal" and showing up at rallies with guns. There are people who will literally believe anything he says. Its as if he cast a spell on their minds. Then there are the republicans who won't stand up to him because they may get in trouble for crazy things they did if he loses or they know Trump will "look out for them" as far as jobs and political power go if he wins. Also he has a habit of firing people at the drop of a dime. Then theres the fact some who oppose him are getting death threats. I've not seen or heard of him even acknowledging this. He doesn't say much about Covid either. So busy raising money to try an overturn the democratic process I guess? They're still working on his wall but thats more money wasted. Illegals can just as easily tunnel underground after all. PS5's are impossible to find because of scalpers and super tech savy individuals who have programs that buy up all available stock as soon as it goes for sale. Trucks are getting robbed and sales clerks and delivery folks are even stealing these consoles. The new Xbox Series X/S consoles are equally sold out everywhere. I am not kidding. I purposely went after what I assumed would be a console nobody wanted but Xbox Series S flew off the shelves. even in Japan which just DOES NOT HAPPEN. You see they really hate the Xbox brand over there. But its such a cute little box that looks like a white speaker....maybe thats why everybody snatched them up. Theres also Xbox game pass. Its a videogame version of Netflix I guess. The Xbox series S has no disc drive so its digital downloads or streaming only. It also does not output in native 4K (I still think Cyberpunk 2077 looks great on it though!) unlike its big brother the Xbox Series X which is $200.00 more at $500.00. The Series X is a super machine that beats the PS5 but most folks honestly won't see a difference except for the case of Sony having more (and better?) exclusives. Exclusives matter alot obviously since the Switch, a vastly underpowered console; sold like hotcakes on the strength of exclusives. Well that and portability. 

From the looks of things next year might be alot like this year in terms of this Covid madness. So tired of these damn masks. They do have a vaccine that seems to work. Right now they are only concentrating on giving it to older folks and medical folks. There seems to be some cases of people getting side effects. Maybe allergic reactions. Nothing serious yet its gonna take awhile to get the vaccine to everyone. They're saying folks in the general public here in the US will get it in March or April. It takes time to make and theres the upcoming cold weather. Also the vaccine has to be at a certain temperature. So theres that. Word from professionals in the medical field is that life should be back to normal in the Fall of 2021. I just got a flu shot recently and I know that flu shots are mandatory at some businesses. I wonder will it be the same for the Covid vaccine? Most people I talk to say they won't take it. They are worried there will be something bad in the vaccine. I don't have a problem taking it. But you can best believe I will do my research before that needle goes in my skin. Right now folks are talking about maybe some other strains of the virus popping up. Yeah I know. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water again right? With all thats going on I'm just gonna be focusing on my projects and saving money as I still wanna move next year. How serious am I? I actually cancelled some of my subscriptions. Not Netflix and the Disney/Hulu package. Amazon and HBO Max got the axe. HBO Max which I only got because I wanna watch "Wonder Woman" come Christmas. I don't think Amazon has enough good programs right now and I won't be ordering anything from them for awhile so I don't need the free shipping. When the Boys season 3 drops I might get them back. HBO got into some mess this week due to Warner Bros deciding to put their entire theater line up for 2021 on the HBO service without giving anyone notice! HBO will be getting Godzilla vs Kong and the JL Snyder cut next year so I may need to resub then. Gotta finish up watching "Love Craft Country" too. Thats a good show. Definitely not used to seeing black folks in a program like that. Speaking of black folks it look like the new Black Panther is coming in 2022. Still can't believe Chadwick is gone and no word at all on if Submariner is coming in BP2. Submariner is one of my favorite comic characters. He's just so damn hot and I like those pointy ears! Sure it makes no sense he can fly with those little ass wings on his ankles but whatever. Just wish Marvel would stop going back and forth on the is he a hero or a villain thing. Also did people forget he's also a mutant because its rarely mentioned unless he teams up with the X-Men. Anyway my anthology comic featuring four stories should be done by Feb (Detector Pig. DragonManx. Gamer Granny. Gerbilla.) then I gotta figure out on selling it and marketing etc. Will likely go the crowdfunding route and hire someone to help with promo and social media. Still not sure if I'll print it or if so how many copies. Meanwhile production is slated to start back on "Sasquatch" in Jan. I should have my producer paid off by then. I've backed some projects by other folks and even invested in some stuff. Way I see it is if I expect folks to invest in me why shouldn't I in turn support things I believe in? Pay it forward or put your money where your mouth is. Its important to give when you can. Its unfortunate that some people only give because they are forced to do it. In my opinion this is probably the biggest thing wrong with the world right now. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 27

 Its been a minute since I wrote here. Just been recovering from that big incident with "that co-worker" which almost cost me my job. I thought he was my friend. Found out I didn't know him and that I really shouldn't trust or try to be friends with co-workers. Well at least not in this particular field anyway. I thought I was in love but now I question how or why I could possibly be in love with someone who doesn't care whether I live or die. Why would I have feelings for or want to help people who have only secretly harbored feelings of destruction for me since day one. I clashed with this guy on the very first night we worked together. Several other conflicts took place later. Theres a saying about when people show you who they are the first time.... I was trying to do the right thing when I went to my boss and not really trying to get anyone in serious trouble. Merely attempting to get results because of certain things going on that were causing problems. Really I was not happy about the taking of breaks and not calling it out on the radio. Expecting me to just know when dude clearly had no clue what time I was taking my breaks. Other stuff got brought into the mix. I think I am transparent to a fault at times yet my intentions were misunderstood. Shit blew up and higher ups got involved. HR got involved. Through it all I kept silent about somethings. He didn't. Certain things were brought up. I was made to look like a fool. I still think higher ups know more about stuff but were just waiting for me to bring it up yet it was never my intent to try and get revenge. Honestly. Having feelings for people can make folks do stupid things and I admit that I should have handled things differently. I should have never told dude I cared but I did and here we are. Anxiety kicked back in and I needed to take precious time off work to get my head clear. Right now things are tense between us. I realize I can never trust him again so I don't talk to him because I feel he betrayed me by showing our bosses an old text I sent him just basically saying I liked him. He likely feels I did the same thing I guess because I went to our bosses about our clashes. Meanwhile someone reported me for bringing a drone on-site and photographed me using a tablet at the desk.... It's hard to not be mad. Thoughts of our arguments make anxiety flare up to where I wake up with my heart pounding and sometimes a nausea grips me. Yeah. Higher ups told me I need to figure out a way to be professional. Consider myself lucky and keep things civil which was something I was actually trying to do although it kinda blew up in my face. As a result things have changed at the job and we are not allowed to use our laptops at the desk anymore. Some co-workers are more distant. (Some have always been distant and weirdly cruel when I've tried to be friendly) Then again things in some other departments are tense because of problems. Folks have told me they are thinking of leaving or changing positions due to inner turmoil with others they work with. Some co-workers have all but vanished for whatever reason and we're short staffed much of the time. Everybody's going thru their own shit. All the time. In this new reality we've been shunted into. Come to work. Do my job. Because I need this job. For the pay and benefits. Keep my head low. Don't do anything to rock the boat and stay motivated by focusing on projects. Collect a check and go home. Control my emotions and don't let them control me. That's the new motto from now on until forever. (Or however long I continue working at the lgbt center)

The world continues to turn. Donald Trump still refuses to concede even though he clearly lost re-election. His followers still believe anything he says which is crazy. Its gotten really dirty out here with folks receiving death threats and people showing up at rallies with guns. The Rona is still causing all kinds of problems because folks are not being safe and businesses are closed or shutting down. California faces a possible full shutdown if things don't get better as these hospitals are filling up. Some places that didn't even have high infections have become hot spots now unfortunately. There is good news however as London has a vaccine they are already staring to distribute. Its said to be 90% effective. It can't come soon enough because alot of people are not really being careful and there was plenty of folks traveling over the turkey holiday. As weird as Halloween and Turkey day were I imagine Christmas will be just as unusual. What with people being encouraged to stay indoors and businesses being closed. Then theres also curfews in effect. Playstation 5s and Xbox series X/S are hard to get due to scalpers using hacking techniques to snatch up all systems when they go on sale then reselling them for crazy prices. Chuck Yeager just died. (He broke the sound barrier 1st) While all this is going on I am still focusing on my comic book project. The artists are churning out outwork constantly and I'm on track to start back filming next year on the Sasquatch webisode when the director I hired (one of my writers!) returns from a trip to India. My brother is slated to help me on some projects too. This is something I have always wanted. Will probably fly him out here in a few months. I've also started being more accessible to family. Obsessing over charities. Investing in other companies involved in movies,comics and cartoons has become a hobby too but I'll talk more about that later. Still planning to put things in storage soon and start finally setting money aside to move next year. A cool potential romantic interest has recently entered the remix tape that has become my life. So as insane as 2020 has been it hasn't all been bad. It has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride though.