A silent crying place.
(With TBG music)

I come from a dark place
trying to focus on the light within
beset upon constantly
those who watch me
want to destroy me
even as they are studying my every move
and learning from me
stealing really.

Hating me
clocking me
jocking me
from a distance
trying to figure me out
when all they have to do is
come see about me
just ask me about me.
But I've grown accustomed to this
even as I'm aware
I'm evolving past this.

I'm listening to
all this classical music
training left hand and right hand
getting smarter
so smart that at times it hurts
and the psychic vibe is so strong
I have to monitor what I'm thinking
so it won't affect other people.

You think having super powers is cool?
Better be ready if it happens
because that shit can drive you crazy
if you ain't ready.
If you ain't ready
you're gonna wanna wish it away
trust me.

Pheremones
mentally emitted radio waves
whatever the shit is
its real and
it can isolate you
in all the worst ways.
Some master it
or get mastered by it
and they feed off grief
but they live in the shadows
and nobody believes they exist
just like they don't seem to believe
they can be just as happy spreading light.

********

I was at work the other night
and this short mofo screamed at me
"What the fuck you looking at?!?"
Same mofo screamed at the police moments earlier
on the other side of the building
(How was I to know?)
Was just walking minding my business.
It so crazy how nastiness can come for you
without warning
I told her/him/it
"What the fuck you looking at?!?"
"Yeah keep walking!"
They kept walking.
It felt good to stand up for myself
It felt weird having turned on my own nastiness to defend myself
from this short nasty minded person who got kicked out the facility.
Nastiness lives in so many people
especially when you are on the low end of the totem pole
you know what I'm talking about.
Working these jobs
being around a certain mindset
folks who wouldn't last five minutes in the corporate world.
I'm working on getting control of the nastiness inside me
the darkness
because I realize trying to get rid of it would probably be like
cutting a cats claws off.
(How would they survive in the wild?)
This life sometimes feels like its the wild wild west.

At last I understand
fully understand
why so many black folks walk around looking pi$$ed all the time
Gotta keep those damn claws showing in the world most of us come from
or some other beast will try to test you
Folks be walking around ready to pounce
believe it.
I gotta get away from these people.
Its not a bad job but it feels akin to slavery at times
It feels like a war zone
trying to stay up mentally
then having to deal with savage people
from these savage streets
with their savage ways because no one ever taught them different.
Some of them are GONE
belonging to drugs
mental illnesses that will never fix.
Don't even get me started on the people in my life
ungrateful parasites
who take and take
daring to think I don't know whats going on
not realizing I'll eventually be
moving on.
They keep coming back
some trying to come back
whether its in person or via social media.
(Sigh)
Misery loves company.
Its not all bad yet I can't help but wonder
where can I find a psychic sponge to come and suck up all that nasty energy?

Been so down
the last film shoot really did a number on me
I had a real bad moment with the DP on production.
It was a misunderstanding really
It reminded me that I gotta reach out for some help in production.
My mental state right now
its slowed me down alot.
Was deep down in it since that last shoot
stopped cleaning up my place
wasn't playing videogames as much
and buying way more comics than reading them
Only going outside when I absolutely HAD to
feeling so
unpretty.
First day of real therapy is coming up and here I am wondering how much if any can it really help.
Lady Gaga says therapy would mess with the artist within.
Part of me agrees
because I'm able to figure out much of the shot going on
still its good to have someone to talk to sometimes.
Its something ironic really there have probably been times I have talked some folks away
from the proverbial edge.
I guess its funny because mostly I talk myself away from that edge.
(Then again its not like I would ever try to hurt myself.)
I have things going on
saving money
making plans
seeing progress
noticing a potential specialness I'd almost given up on
(even though he lives far away!)
got my health and strength
(for the most part)
and I'm not living on the street
sleeping on cardboard like that cute homeless guy I found at work the other night.
Sometimes it just gets so hard
so hard to see the "silver lining"
as they say.

That is such a corny thing to say now that I think about it....

********

Little Demon Bitch

The little demon bitch lives next door
she/it has spent decades nipping at my heels.
It watches me thru the peep hole
when I leave or enter my place
taps my wall
stomps around upstairs
dragging furniture
with wild abandon
it astrally projects
following me around
jealous of any happiness I can snatch from life.
She clogs up my sink
turns the hot water cold
and eavesdrops on
as many of my phone conversations as she can.
Her hate is so powerful
sometimes it wakes me from slumber
makes my stomach twist and turn
swells my head with pain
from her attempts at magicking me to death
or struggling to break into my mind.
She constantly bombards me with negativity
and he rpoison is so deep I can feel her
even when she's not around.
I scream inside
I scream thru my craft
knowing this is my cross to bear until I'm able to leave this place.
I know her stink would have sunk anyone else
so I have to laugh at two ironies
I have to endure this for awhile longer
She has to endure not knowing
she's wasting away wasting her time trying to drive me out.
I can't leave until I'm ready
and she has just about run out of tricks.
She's getting too brave too these days
taking dangerous risks
I can see the stress taking a toll
(I wonder if I can sue?)
You're gonna get caught one day
little demon girl
even if you manage to keep avoiding the videocameras
and you're slick enough to cover your tracks
making it seem like I'm the one with the problem.
No matter how slick you think you are
or how fast you slink away into the shadows
none of us can escape from karma.
That cup of proverbial evil is spilling over
You have filled your quota
disrupted one life too many.
The dark clamors to claim back those stolen energies.

You're on borrowed time.