Taking time to work things out....

I'm up late again.
Staring at this bright white screen.
My eyes are tired.
My mind is at full alert.
Can't sleep.
Was sleepy but it passed.
Had to stop myself from eating
all those damn donuts
but I could stop eating all those damn
sweet and sour gummi worms.
made my stomach feel funny
gave me acid reflex
Now I'm sitting here
Netflix is my company
and Teena Marie,Foreign Exchange,Jon B,John Williams and
Hans Zimmer are my anchors.
(As they often are to be totally honest).

My brain is
on fire
with concepts
ideas
some ways out of this life I'm living
because I want more
out of this life I'm living.
Who doesn't right?
I just wanna be happy
in a form of happy that lasts longer than
15 minutes
with some lurking fools that wanna take it from me
that fleeting happy.
You know?

Don't even know if I'm sane anymore
or if I ever were
to be quite frank.
can never really relax
always feeling
this need to be better
but its not enough.
When has it ever been enough?
Feeling so invisible
so much of the time its like
my accomplishments don't even seem to register
and no one really cares.
Maybe they're too scared to care
scared of some terrible accident
a mugging
some stupid pointless terrorist attack
or a sudden silent death in the night no one around to call on for help
and that life alert thing
well they left it downstairs in the fucking kitchen
so its useless.
I guess.
At least in his moment in time.

I wanna matter
wanna feel that
my mother and father are proud of me
wanna feel that people are seeingmy work and seeing some potential
wanna get over that pet peeve of people walking in front of me
or getting in elevators with some scared looking person.
I wanna understand why people laugh at me sometimes and watch me
like I am so unusual
when the truth is I am desperately trying to survive in this
maddening world
best as I can.
Just like them.
Wanna understand why the stupid updates make my xbox turn off and on
just like how they make my computer
which was fine before
now slow as hell.

Keep feeling like
this is really why my brain hurts.
Why my eyes are tired.
Why my body sometimes feel
like its trying NOT to fall apart
from lack of rest
pain of a broken heart
pain of so many unfulfilled goals
goals I feel as if I am running towards
in some rainy Matrix like landscape
out of breath
fatigued
assailed with
all these reasons why I should quit
because I am struggling in a world that constantly tells me
I am less than.
Enough.
Because
A black gay man is supposed to be this and be that they say
with their eyes or actions
more than they say with words.
I swear sometimes it bothers me
that I'm starting to actually be okay with the loneliness.

Yeah I do know
what it is I must do to fix my life
so I keep people at a distance
because I know I've a lot to do
a lot of work to do on me.
Even though I am missing out on some things
I gotta work on me for awhile longer
before I feel
I am there.
How does one feel when they get there?
A nice big house?
A car?
A nice gym body?
Perfect white teeth?
Six figure yearly income
and you get invited to parties
that you actually wanna go to?
Is that what that feels like?
Being there?

Maybe I should ask around.

Maybe.
Maybe I should think about
moving sooner than later
out of this city.
Get me a day job
work on becoming more social?
Could do these things.
Lose all these kick ass health benefits
along with the ability to sit up at night and write in quiet solitude.
what kind of a life would that be for me to sleep at night
like a regular person
and to live in a place where
I have a social life
police don't profile me
and I never have to worry about
someone like Donald Trump running the country?
(That would mean leaving the US of course)
Is it just me who is feeling the whole world has gone insane
if a man like that could even eye the presidency?
Yeah we need a change for this system seems to have failed us
people scared to walk the streets in Chi-Raq
poison water in flint
suicide bombers and school/theater shootings are the norm.
What has become of the black community
because it doesn't seem to really exist unless some terrible thing happens to bring us together?
gay men are so obsessed with sex and it feels like
the impossible dream
trying to find someone
and GOD knows our community has so many more problems within itself.

So much on my mind
so much that the whole world had to stop
for a moment
trying to put it all in perspective.
trying to bounce back from all these uncertainties
can't afford to get thrown off course
so much riding on me pulling it together
can't even put on a brave face
when everything feels so wrong.
letting the music drive my thought processes
hoping to arrive at a solution to what ails me.
gotta ignore the tired eyes
funky feeling stomach
gotta ignore
my cold feet that demand
socks.

Up late again
tired eyes
bright white screen.
Can't rest
hard to focus on things
because in two weeks
I will  be in Detroit again
filming.
Not sure whats being filmed
the budget is the issue.
Last film shoot cost me
almost a grand.
That was mere weeks ago
can't afford to do that again.
This being broke between paychecks
is rattling my nerves.
Waiting on the director and DP to get back to me
because he hasn't given me his price
and here we are weeks away.
Can't keep waiting.
Need to get actors ready.
Need to get the script finalized.
Need to figure out whos filming
Whos doing sound?
Where are we filming?
How much am I spending?
Hotel hasn't even been booked yet.
Whole thing feels VERY chaotic.
So yeah me am going a bit crazy right now.
But I told the director already
I need to get a budget by Friday
so I can decide if its doable.
If not I need to make a change of plans
maybe film other scenes now
do the more expensive shit later.
Finances are tight right now
trying to bounce back from the last shoot.
Learned my lesson though
Not gonna put myself thru stress again
stress of being broke between film projects
or living paycheck to paycheck
having to break pennies in half then pinching them.
Life is stressful and crazy enough
don't wanna break myself
physically
mentally
financially.

Time to take control and learn that wonderful power
of saying "NO"

It is after all
MY money.

Nothing wrong with slowing down
if only just alittle anyway.
Its quality over quantity from here on out.
Take the time now to carefully plan things out and in the end it will yield better results.

March 26 (2016)

I am here at work. Again. Seems I do most of my writing here doesn’t it? I’m sitting here listening to the soundtrack to Batman vs Superman Dawn of Justice and Jurassic World (Thank God for YouTube) while bingeing off of sweet/sour gummi worms. Its my current guilty pleasure. A film crew is outside filming something. I’d usually observe but I guess right now I’m not really in the mood. A few of the crew kinda rubbed me the wrong way when I asked them how long were they filming because no one told me they were gonna be shooting on this site. But whatever. I think some of the time….well most of the time when folks see a security uniform they just don’t really have a lot in the way of respect for you. Or maybe I need to be tougher. I doubt if if I’d been in a cop uniform they’d have brushed me off when I asked the question. I don’t wanna become one of those guys who hate dealing with film crews because I shoot films myself. But I am starting to understand how people get that way.

One of the crew members seemed really cool especially when I told her about my webseries. Kinda made me feel alittle less like an outsider. But I have always felt like an outside to be honest. Call it a touch of the crazy but I will say with no hesitation that my life gets more confusion thrown into it when you add other people to the mix. So many bad experiences with folks has made me keep my distance with people whenever I can even though I ultimately love everyone. That doesn’t make a lot of sense does it? I am the poster boy for irony then I guess.

Dreamt the other day again of my Grandmother(Cora). Me and my step sister Bev were hanging out and I seem to recall trying to scare my Grandma. The other details are vague although I did write them down somewhere in case I forgot. Both my Grandmothers are still very much alive in me. Things they taught me. Things I observed about them and how they treated others. These were two incredibly cool people who survived a lot and no they were not perfect but they represent so much of whats missing from this insane world. No wonder I wanna hold on to them so much they appear in some form or fashion in my dreams.

I recall dreaming of being in these scenarios where war was waging all around and planes flew over dropping bombs everywhere as I raced back and forth from continent to continent trying to escape the carnage mankind unleashed in its attempt to just kill each other. Shit I don’t even know why they were fighting and I suppose it doesn’t even matter in the grand scheme of things. Just a few days ago there was an attack in Europe. In Brussels. 34 people died. It was a multiple bombing by terrorists. An airport as well as a metro station. Things could have been worse but one of the bombs didn’t go off. It is crazy to think that somewhere a bunch of people wanna kill me and really believe they are justified in it. They don’t know me. Don’t know my hopes and dreams. My accomplishments. My struggle. None of that matters to them. Yeah it is crazy to know people want you dead and you don’t know or understand why. You might not want them dead in return yet still they want you DEAD. My next door neighbors want me dead. How do I know this?  Years ago they made a call to the police at 2am and (I have no idea what was really said) sent them to my house where they asked to promptly enter with guns drawn. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Not playing music loud or anything. In fact I’d just come back from the supermarket when the cops met me in the hallway. I have middle eastern friends and that is certainly the only thing that has kept me from turning into a person who hates them because I know I can’t blame an entire race for the actions of a few. Like my neighbors. Them I hate. Passionately I might add. I’m definitely sick of seeing middle eastern folks so often on the news because of some damn attacks. It sure would be nice to see some on the news doing good things. Helping the community or creating medical breakthroughs or engineering some technical marvel.  I rarely see that on tv. Why? Well I guess that’s just not considered “good” news. I sometimes worry that if we are not careful all this terrorist shit will eventually lead to some sort of racial witch hunts. Personally I don’t know what the solution to all this madness is. If I were the President I’d be stumped because there really is no easy answer. How to keep your nation safe from people willing to die for their cause? Kill them all? Lock them up? Brainwash them and make it so they won’t wanna hurt anyone else again? As nuts as I think Donald Trump is for all his insanity and paranoia he might actually sorta have the right idea about seriously clamping down on who we let into the country. Then again its more than likely the enemy is already here. Just waiting for the right time to strike. I know that evil can be patient. You can let time go by and think the threat is over but when you least expect it….then comes the attack. My mental issue is maybe one of my greatest weapons. From life events (DNA?) and the shit my neighbors put me thru my nerves are shot to the point my fight or flight instinct never really shuts off. I’m always aware. Always wary to the point I mostly cannot sleep at night. My sleep is usually not very restful. I watch everyone out of the corners of my eyes because on a subconscious level I trust no one. Always ready for action even when it seems I am not. But you can tell how I stand. Like a warrior who doesn’t want to get taken off balance. Videogames help me focus the need for action and it gives me a rush that rivals sex. Weird as that sounds. Its hard to live in a fucked up world and not be just alittle fucked up. And as crazy as I am I am thankful for my comics and their heroes/heroines who have instilled in me the mantras that all lives matter and even in the darkest of situations we should try to see the light. Help those we can. Never do the evil we’ve been done to others. A rose instead of a closed fist (as hard as it may seem at times) One of the biggest things I learned is try not to judge anyone until you have been able to walk in their shoes. I know what is like to be alone and unwanted. I know what it feels like to have an emptiness. Yep I even understand how religion or some nutjob can come along seemingly with answers because you let them get inside your head. These things happen because folks are in a weak state of mind either due to circumstance or even in some cases a certain diet could make people susceptible to manipulation. That’s how you get cults with all these devoted followers. I do certainly believe that there is something out there. I don’t believe anything happens for no reason yet time and time again religion has been used to bring a lot of pain into this world. They say that the US and its allies are doing something shadey behind the scenes that is making these crazies do these terrible attacks. They say its because of oil. They say its all orchestrated to keep the military in operation. But the only hard evidence I see is a bunch of folks fighting because they BELIEVE their god wants them to do this stuff. Even though we have no real proof anywhere that any god has ever spoken to anyone. It just seems more and more the real culprit behind all this shit is mental illness. It would be nice to live in a world where the sky did actually open up and a god would come down and say “Put away all your weapons and stop your warring ways!” but people have been waiting for this for centuries. I really feel if something doesn’t happen to make people stop mindlessly murdering each other one day nuclear weapons will enter the equation. It’s a scary thought.  For all the wonder mankind has brought to this world they have done so much harm and spread such terror. Running away trying to find somewhere safe IS probably useless especially if some of these fanatics get their hands on nuclear weapons or some kind of biological weapon. Just saying.

Okay enough with the terror stuff. I have some things to worry about right in front of me that I can see. As far as my film goes I might have to massively overhaul the script. As in RE-WRITE the whole damn thing. You see the way it is right now its too cluttered and convoluted. I hired another writer because I thought the first flaked but dude later told me he had a nervous breakdown. Personally I think I am being lazy and need to like Missy said….Write my own shit. Produce my own shit. I mean I can. Been doing it for 8 years you know? So its back to the drawing board. Sort of. Still gonna use some of the script but as it stands I am not sure what the budget is or what I’m filming in Detroit next month….

(To Lemony Snicket soundtrack)

Brain is tired
tired of writing
eyes are tired
of staring at that
bright
white screen.
Took a little break
took time to be me
so I could remember to call
all those people I promised to call
but didn't.
Took a little break
so I could binge off junk food
stuff I shouldn't eat
yet its nice to not care
if only for a moment
about
eating
all those sweet/sour gummi worms
eating those terribly expensive donuts
&
drinkin all that
expresso
All that
natural juice with scarcely any real juice
Along with the
SUPPOSEDLY "natural pepsi"
(Yeah sure whatever)
Now I am finally making some real progress
in saving the universe in
Lego Dimensions
&
Killzone
&
Skylanders
Hell I might even finish one of those
Call of duty games!
Still haven't had the time or incentive to go out and get the newest.
My backlog of games,movies & tv shows is simply astounding.
As are all those comic books I've yet to read/finish.

Trying to get into the dating but
noone seems interested
or maybe its me thats not interested enough
to care enough
because I really am getting accustomed
to this being single.
It makes me alittle uncomfortable to understand
for any number of reasons
I might've reached that point
of no return. Maybe it'll say in the history books oneday
"At the age of 46 Sergio realized"that" part of his life was over".
My head is clear for now at least
Not clouded by story plots
script formatting
budget cuts
and thoughts of
GOTTA MAKE IT WORK
I'LL GET THRU THIS SOMEHOW. I ALWAYS HAVE.
WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS
....I DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS.
CAN'T SLEEP UNTIL ITS DONE
FINGERS ARE TIRED
LAWD I DON'T WANT CARPAL SYNDROME
YET I GOTTA FINISH THIS
AND IF I GO OVER THESE MANY PAGES
AND WHAT IF HE DOESN'T WANNA HELP ME ANYMORE?
AND WHY DON'T THEY UNDERSTAND
THIS SHIT DON'T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT
TAKES TIME
AND MONEY
AND I'M NOT MADE OF MONEY
BUT I THINK THEY THINK I AM.
CAN'T PAY THIS BILL IF THIS GETS DONE
MOMENTS LIKE THESE I COULD USE SOME DIVINE
HELP!!!!
NO ONE WILL EVER REALLY KNOW THE PRICE I PAY UNTIL I'M GONE
AND DID ALL THOSE BEFORE ME HAVE TO GO THRU THIS SHIT?
IF SO I NEED THAT HANDBOOK
BUT OF COURSE
THERE REALLY ISN'T ONE.
'Que Sera, Sera'
My head hurts
I'm always hungry
Thirsty
(Mentally and physically)
My poor sinuses
plus my back at times
at times I gotta force myself to sleep
at times touching of self clears the cobwebs
brings some clarity
chases away much of that negative energy.
Chases away the naysayers
lessens the impact
of trying to survive out here
in a world gone insane
seemingly devoid of any morals at all.
It also lessens the impact
of all those mysterious obstacles
that pop up every now and then
the computer glitches
flagged ads
emails that don't go
packages that don't arrive.
People I trusted turning on me
Cops profiling me.
Dealing with crazy folks
who just ain't got NO sense
at all.
So....yeah the brain is tired
just a bit
and I don't think the world of
social media will mind
If I
go away
for just alittle while
so Sergio's nerves can recover
and he can return to being himself again.
Not quiet brand new
More like refurbished to factory standards.
Need these viruses and harmful malware removed
systems purged of needless files clogging up the works
plus a memory upgrade is needed.
Because this brain is tired of being tired
Eyes are tired of being tired
squinting
blurring
with the irregular heartbeating
the clutter in the room
like the clutter in my life
things all built up because I let it pile up
was focusing on other things.
Gotta go back
clean up all that damn clutter
one day at a time.
No more running.
This time
theres no excuse.
This time....!
....This time
for a moment in time
my appointment book is clear.

(With some musical help from Phyllis Hyman and Will Downing courtesy of Spotify on my kindle)

Its been months since he moved out and life has gone on. I tried to meet others to fill the space but they just fell to the wayside. I'm starting to realize I am actually more mature than many of the other gay men out here and with that knowledge comes a certain degree of isolation. Most people don't really understand me anyway. I can't really blame other folks for being too wrapped up trying to survive their own lives that they can't take five minutes out of their schedule to figure out my crazy when they have their crazy to contend with. Speaking of crazy just what is going on with the world these days? We have so many shooting incidents its become the norm and Donald Trump is eyeing the presidency. When I take the train to work I gotta deal with crazy loud mouthed and obnoxious brothers smoking weed and acting just plain scary. We got homeless people all over and sleeping in tents on the sidewalks. I gotta walk thru the valley of the tents on my way to work at night and stinky homeless folks are sleeping on the trains as well as on the benches so a bro can't sit down nowhere when he gotta wait for the damn train. I was homeless before so I don't have hate for the homeless but some of these people when I get near them I feel like something bad is crawling off them and trying to get under my skin. I think its some kind of spiritual thing going on. I have some theories about some people in these situations....its the same for these crazy looking fools I see on the news staring into space as they are about to be sentenced for some crime they committed. Its almost as if theres nobody home. I've often wondered if someone or something were making these people go off and do the things they do. Drugs make people do crazy stuff and then the body just wears down. Sometimes I think some of these mentally ill folks have been invaded and whatever took hold is looking for a new host which may explain how negative energy can just jump from one person to the next. Some say we are all interconnected you know. When one person is suffering theres an instinct some people or animals seem to have and a desire to help.  A life of being burned added with constant observation will make most folks wanna keep their distance. It can be especially difficult to help people when they are strung out on drugs because thats the kind of possession that can come to your house and steal your dvd player or put you in harms way going to "remove" them from a harmful environment (examples include back alleys and crack houses) How the hell did I even get on this topic?

Oh yeah I was talking about how fucked up the world has become lately or more specifically the craziness people have been unleashing. Hit and runs are common now. People are actually walking up to police officers and shooting them now. And I hate that but I also hate being stopped and questioned by police when I am walking home from work in the morning. I am starting to get so paranoid about that shit that I dont even wanna go outside at night. It makes me mad that people are going into theaters or schools or military bases and even churches shooting folks up. The shadow of racism might just never fade from this nation. Even having a black president who did so many cool things wasn't enough you know? On top of that people still hate gays and lesbians with such passion it drives them to wanna do us bodily harm. They believe the truth is that God hates us so that gives them freedom to try and hurt folks. Flint Michigan is having water problems because the water isn't safe to drink. Louisianna is having some floods. We did have a bizarre winter because it mostly didn't happen here in Cali this year. So far. In other parts of the world winter has been strange too. My belief is this is some environmental crap due to mankind simply not caring about the environment. I mean lets be frank MOST people could care less about the earth unless its falling out from under them well then its a different story. Yeah it makes me mad but at least some folks are starting to take notice because there was a big environmental discussion that took place like a couple months ago in Paris I believe with our own POTUS being present. 

Got some pretty big things planned for this year as far as my film thingies go. Flying out to Detroit next month to shoot more scenes for the SonsofLegend full length. Omari and them are shooting some scenes this coming friday also for the SOL feature. Meanwhile in early April I am starting work on a project I've put off for awhile. Those six short stories that Stanley Bennet Clay published are gonna get turned into short films I plan to take to film festivals. Yes it is finally THAT time. Time to take all I've learned after 8 years of SOL and apply it towards getting some real recognition as a filmmaker. The Detector Pig project is probably gonna go into production late this year. I'm aiming for a 2018 release because you know animation takes a loooooong time. Almost cancelled the shoot for this friday and I am really thinking maybe I should not have booked my Detroit flight as my crowdfunding efforts didn't exactly pan out. Can't get bitter about it but the truth is I may have spent 8 years marketing to the wrong audience. I say that because out of all the facebook and instagram or twitter/youtube contacts/friends most of them couldn't even be bothered to donate one cent towards helping me get my stuff out there. In other words no one cares. Not really. Yes people watch the videos. Sometimes I might get a comment and even then I usually have to ask repeatedly for it. Yes I have seen many other projects that others have tried to launch fail but why is it people just don't try to support things people they know are doing yet they will go spend their money to support total strangers time and time again. Things that make you go hmmmm. So yeah I wanna make films the gay folks will like. I wanna make films the balck folks will like but the reality is they might not like my films enough to show support. As a black gay man who works within the gay community I actually feel cut off. Its not just because most of the people I see at my job or on all these magazines don't look like me either. I don't really know that I can say gay folks or black folks are my audience. Maybe thats why I have not really had much success before. They say you have to make the music and tell the stories that come from your heart. Its really the only way to be honest. I guess one hopes that one can have some appeal to the masses otherwise the bills might not get paid you know? So there needs to be a balance. Make the music/films you want to see and try to create in a way that others can enjoy. Unless you are rich enough or you just don't give a damn. If thats the case you can just do whatever the hell you want. All I can say is I am getting to the point where I'm not really caring what people think so much anymore. I have so crazy stories to tell. They will shock some and probably offend some as well. Some people and actors have chosen not to work with me after reading my SOL script (which is not the REAL final draft mind you). You see in hollywood (and the real pros know this) a script can undergo MANY changes before you get to the real deal. My script has an actual rape scene in it. Or rather its implied rather brutishly. I have considered taking it out because it WILL limit my audience. Its something we've not really seen in superhero movies before you know? I mean Watchmen had a near rape scene in it. I think one day some people who backed out of my projects because they were scaredy cats are gonna regret that decision. LA Reid let Lady Gaga slip right thru his fingers and he said he regretted it. How far can one really go in life just trying to do exactly whats expected of him/her? When is the time right to release a dinosuar movie? When they are suddenly popular and you can jump on the bandwagon? The time is right when you decide that you want to take that risk because no one else has taken that path yet. Tired playing it safe.

Was on my way to work the other night and this sexy dark skinned bald brother tried to holla at a sister walking past then he tried to holla at me which kinda took me off guard since I'm not really used to people actually acknowledging me in public you know? I couldn't really stop to talk because I was worried about being late to work. Then like the other night a cute light skinned brother really went out of his way to acknowledge me as I was walking by and it took me by surprise. Was running late again and was struggling to process what had just happened. Why did he speak to me? He might have seemed familiar. Why didn't I stop? I am still haunted by that friendliness of this total stranger. Probably will never see him again you know? Then again maybe one day he'll be watching tv and he'll see me and say "Wow theres that brotha again! Gotta get his contact info" When I walked by he was like...."How you doing tonight brother?!?" Totally took me be surprise because I am definitely NOT accustomed to being greeted like that by another black man in public or anywhere else. Why didn't I stop? Sometimes I think I might simply be too much of a weirdo for anyone else you know? Some of the time it feels like the love,relationship and romance part of my life is over. Sometimes I see myself in a house with a dog and a cat and some adpoted kids I can give love to and really grow into the person I have yet to become. So much of the time there is no man in these fantasies. I see my self driving my own car and running my own business with so much success in all I go after yet there is often no man there only some side lined individual trying to get into a world that has evolved to the point of not really letting him inside. It does seem that so many of us visionary types are destined to be denied some of those things others can have. I've heard it said that its all a tradeoff you know? You can have friends and some close releationships. You can raise a family but you are beyond such things as that kind of love. You will go far and build many empires but don't block your blessings by refusing to let die some dreams that were never meant to last forever little lego padawan.