(To KCRW)

Just got back in from the supermarket. Was originally planning to go to the donut shop but when I saw the line I changed my mind after standing there for about a minute even though i was behind this really handsome bro. So I went to the supermarket and ended up buying apples,chocolate donuts,strawberry lemonade,V-8,instant coffee,frozen mini chicken tacos,potato chips,one of those little snack packs with the celery,tomatos and ranch dip plus some ginger ale. Nearly dropped everything I was carrying until a cashier brought me a basket. The baskets used to be right by the door but since people started stealing them they moved them inside now where you can't always find them. I've seen other people asking where the baskets are too so its not just me. I got watched by the security guard there. This older black guy. Kinda out of shape and generally miserable looking. I swear it gets on my nerves at times that people seem to regard me as suspicious even though I would never steal anything. I did enough stealing in my childhood that its all out of my system now. But people don't know me. I'm a light skinned virtually bald BLACK man and like Ice Cube once said "I was born suspicious looking" Gotta learn to be at peace with what I think of me while not really caring what others think of me. What do I think of me? I think I'm a good guy. A good guy with hopes and dreams who struggles at times to see the potential for good in all people because some of them have really helped fuck me up in so many ways. Sometimes its really hard not to be disgusted by people because of the stupid things they do. Sometimes I gotta remind myself none of us are perfect and even the greatest among mankind once started out as savages or morons. I suppose the savage part of me was the part that enjoyed spraying bleach on the roach I killed in my bathroom....

Right now theres a guy outside screaming. I know who it is. Its this homeless mixed black guy. He used to sit outside in front of the building. He's scream periodically at odd times usually in the morning. Sounds alot like Bugs Bunny screaming in those cartoons. I may have seen him sleeping on a mattress. He's actually cute. Kinda reminds me of a guy who used to stay with me years ago. Cute. Brown skinned poetry in motion and somewhat perfect in all his imperfections. Dude had some mental issues too. We once went to the grocery store and he started having this panic attack. Way worse than what I experience. Of course I never did any kinds of drugs. At all. From my observation whether you take drugs for recreation or for your mental issues....well if you have mental issues it'll just make them worse over time or your body will suffer over time from the side/after effects. What I don't understand is what is it about my block or the building I work in that draws such "characters" There was a guy outside my job the other night literally changing his clothes in front of the building then he started dancing. (Sigh)

Right now I'm gonna binge watch some episodes of "The Originals" on my firestick. Used to catch them on Hulu if I missed the live broadcast but CW took all their stuff off Hulu and its all on the CW feed or CW app. The problem is all the older episodes are gone from this season and I missed them when they were available. I've no idea why the CW can't keep episodes of all their shows up on their own app. I'm sure I'll be up all night again. Couldn't sleep the other night so I ended up going to sleep late in the afternoon and I woke up late. "The Bryan" came by and took me to see "Wonder Woman" a few hours ago. Me I really enjoyed the movie. There were some parts that kinda dragged but before they got to be too bad some action would kick in. You got a pretty kick ass battle at the end. Just how strong is she supposed to be anyway??? I swear they are so inconsistent with her strength level at times. And apparently the movie version doesn't fly. She didn't in the tv show or in the Batman vs Superman movie. Looks like thats the version they're sticking with. Well "The Bryan" fell asleep during the film frequently. But thats him. He falls asleep on the phone with me all the time. He's an old man. Heh. We kinda got into an argument on the way to the movie because he wanted to park all the way across the street from the Grove and I was telling dude he could just get his movie ticket validated and it would be free parking. As great a guy as "The Bryan" is I told him if I ever got to meet his girlfriend I want to shake her hand because she would have to be a VERY strong woman to deal with his ultra aggressive masculine personality. He said she never sees that side of him. So why do I have to? I told him he would probably be the type to make you wanna chase him down the street with a butchers knife. He said he would be like "Come ON! Bring it on!" Thats because he's crazy. But I owe him alot. More than I can probably ever repay. So thats why I call him "The nice monster" Whenever you see "The Nice Monster Productions" in the end credits of my films thats him.

Speaking of my films. Right now the hunt continues to bring in someone to help  get things in order because the whole production for Daughters of Legend feels so chaotic and insane that I actually considered quitting a few times. I've never thought about dropping a project before. So the plan is to bring in someone to to basically take over the production side of things while I kinda step back from the project before I completely lose my mind. There was a person doing that for me before but he pretty much rage quit on me when things got tough. Yeah it does get crazy and I can understand where he was coming from now because I feel like I'm trying to climb up one of those hills in the new Zelda game but you can't really get  anywhere because its raining and thats making you slip down since you keep losing your grip. I have a few people who are candidates and its gonna cost to bring them on yet if it'll help save this film its an expense we can't (I can't) afford to NOT afford. We are set to go back into production next month. Right now the thing is just building the crew,creating storyboards,saving money and paying back those I OWE YOUs. We gotta lock down the locations as well. In a perfect world time could stop for six months then we could go back into production again. Because GOD knows how much we could do with six months worth of moolah. Thats the reason I wanted to launch more crowdfunding campaigns. Other campaigns in the past have failed but theres a secret weapon I've not really utilized to help me raise moolah for my projects. That secret weapon is the LGBT community and quite possibly powerful people within the black nerd community who are involved in the film industry. What I need is a lightning rod to draw people into wanting to support my vision. Right now Louiezilla is working on a trailer for Daughters of Legend then I wanted to have him do something for DragonManx. Could be we need to do a kick ass episode too to really showcase what we can do and could potentially do if we had a bigger budget.



A PECULIAR DREAM

In the dream that came after some self pleasure
you and I seemed to be
out on the town
I think it was
somewhere in Detroit
my future home I hope
and in the dream
we went to a gathering
a dinner party maybe
you seemed entertained
when I clapped along with the music
then we were in a room
I guess it was a bedroom because
we ended up in the bed when
out of the blue
all of a sudden
you just leaned forward to kiss me
took me by surprise
but everything after that
just felt
normal
like it was all unfolding
naturally
then I held on to you
held on to
the dark
strong hardness of your perfect
somewhat hairy(?)
form.
Then I saw there was no way
your other hardness would enter
me
not just because it was big
but it was
somewhat soft as well.
I made a joke about
having known it was
large but not really having any idea
it was THIS BIG.
It was right around that time I woke up
mostly relieved for some reason
it had all indeed been
merely a dream.

 

Some current events and some ramblings.

Had some more crazy incidents over the last few days. I honestly wonder whats going on with the world I live in. Last week a few muslim women were being insulted by this crazy white guy on a bus or train in Portland Oregon and when three other passengers came to their defense the crazy white guy looking very much the spitting image of a horror movie serial killer type commenced to stab all them. Of the three only one survived. One of the men stabbed was a veteran. Then just the other day three men drove a van thru a bridge in London plowing through people and after that they jumped out of the van to go on a stabbing spree. Some people in a restaurant were stabbed but the police arrived then shot all three dead. Radical muslims took resposibility for the attack. So now Donald Trump is trying to re-instate the travel ban he implemented months ago that was struck down after causing three days of chaos at airports all over. I can certainly understand his actions regarding this matter but I don't know that its necessarily the best idea. People are starting to get scared about going out to big crowded events and even going to the movies. Some believe we could have sleeper cells here in the US and basically the travel ban which specifically targets six muslim countries is to keep those of ill intent from entering the country or to limit their ability to move about freely thru the transportation system. Some years ago I was hooked on a show called "Sleeper Cell" I went out and bought the dvd set of season 1. The main villain of the show Oded Fehr is one of my favorite actors. He's a sexy middle eastern guy who has appeared in a few of the Resident Evil movies. The main character with the dreamy blue/green(?) eyes is another of my favorite actors. He's a brother named Michael Ealy.

Some of the problems with the travel ban:
It could create tension within the muslim community. I mean not all muslims hate us but being discriminating towards any group is just gonna create animosity and cause problems in the long run. The travel ban is kinda a subtle way of doing a witch hunt in my opinion.
There are some radicals who believe there will be some sort of a holy war where the rest of the world world will rise against the muslim religion and this travel ban certainly would create some bad blood. In fact it might even lead to some people becoming Isis supporters if they feel their backs are up against the wall. Of course if these attacks continue (and they most ceratinly will) people all over the world are eventually gonna just get tired of it and turn against the muslim religion anyway.  I find it hard to believe no one else hasn't realized this. If that happens then the muslim community will be either forced to go underground or possibly wiped out. That is unless they begin to police themselves before it comes to that. I think the muslim community has wised up because recently Qatar has seen other countries including Egypt and Saudi Arabia cut ties with it accusing it of supporting terrorism. Of course in a perfect world where everybody has common sense this type of thing would have happened years ago. The truth of the matter is the threat of radical type attacks will not go away for many generations to come and the future youth will have to deal with this shit as normalcy from here on out unless the muslim community pitches in to help. No more with the staying silent bullshit and I know some in the muslim communities have spoken out yet its not enough and needs to happen more before ALL of us lose more of our rights. Not just the muslim community is gonna be inconvenienced if they start putting video cameras everywhere and tapping our phones. I dread the thought of having to sit in long lines of traffic before being allowed into airports because vehicles are being checked before entry. Flying has already become a hassle since 911 what with the having to take off your shoes and belts then having your bags searched. You can't bring liquids on the planes anymore and people can't even wait at the terminals with you before you fly out. Its ridiculous but as terrible as this all seems it could get crazier if we have anymore big incidents. Imagine what could happen if they simply stop allowing people to travel with luggage altogether. Think that sounds insane? Well laptops are already forbidden in some airports now. We will gradually see many freedoms we take for granted stripped away from us if things continue the way that they are now.

No its not all doom and gloom with me or the world. Its just that things are changing so fast and getting so crazy I wish a space ship would come down and take me back to my home planet because this doesn't feel like it. Sometimes it gets to be a bit much. Especially when you have alot on your mind. Yesterday I had to call my mother to make sure she wasn't affected by a shooting that happened over there in Orlando. A week ago when I went to San Diego for a little visit the Uber or Lyft driver had to drop off some people in the skid row area downtown. I have never seen so many homeless people all congregated in one spot like that before. There were so many tents too. It looked as if I'd entered a campsite. So many people have nothing or are living in these terrible conditions. Then on the flip side we have so many who have so much money or power yet they really do much of nothing to help the situation. If every rich person gave a million dollars to organizations or just came together to create a movement to stamp out homelessness and hunger imagine the impact it would have. For all the awesomeness and wonder of humanity there is also this feeling in me that humanity has in so many ways failed itself and this world.

Had a pretty bad run in a few days ago with a young lady over at the youth center. I was working there;filling in for another officer currently on vacation. It was a nasty scene that shouldn't have happened yet it did make me wonder just what the hell am I still doing working here when I keep constantly questioning if I still have it in me to continue being a security guard. Its a high risk job. Its thankless. People often ignore you or look down on you even though in the event something happens you are the one who will come to save their asses. Sometimes theres on the job politics and then you have to deal with so many personality types even when working the night shift. Its stressful and I worry my nerves have just worn thin from the years of being here. But its not just my job. Its everything sometimes. Sometimes I feel like if I could simply go away somewhere for about two or three months I could come back refreshed and ready to face everything. This kid was really laying into the youth counselor so I tried to step in to help resolve the situation then that negative energy transfered to me then next thing I know I'm there yelling with the girl because she went off on me when I politely asked her to lower her voice. I feel crazy so much of the time but interestingly enough its usually only when other people are around that I really understand my crazy might be trumped by the crazy of the masses. I try to avoid stressful situations still there are times you can't keep it away entirely. Some security guards have had to deal with worse situations than me though. Some have been spit on. Some have been punched and beaten up literally. I've heard some pretty crazy stories. I guess all I can do is maintain awareness at all times while continuously working on my dreams and praying that the day is fast approaching when I will be able to transition into a job which doesn't feel like a job. Something that although theres work involved I will be challenged creatively whilst being surrounded by others who understand and elevate me. How cool would it be to have co-workers that you can actually share a friendship with outside of the workplace? How cool would it be to feel like you're not on the bottom of the food chain because there is no bottom of the food chain? How cool would it be to be able to go to sleep when ever you want to and not because you have a set work schedule to worry about? Other people complain to me about their jobs. So few are really trying to do anything to get out of the trap though. The way out is to be working on a way to have your money work for you and not to have to work for your money. In a perfect world everyone would want to be financially independent.