I had a real break-thru at work this morning. Actually I had another one yesterday too. That one had to do with Steven my DP who helped me realize I may not be able to use the current person I hired as producer because she is too much by the book and I can't afford to shoot my production without breaking any rules. It was also brought to my attention said producer was responsible for breaking some pretty big rules on the set of their own production but whatever. So anyway what I really wanted to talk about is what happened this morning at work. I'll try to keep it simple. "Bootsie" (who I had that epic falling out with last year) replied to me when I complained that playing Streetfighter on my Switch had given me a headache "This place gives me a headache" So I could see he was down and I already had alot on my mind therefore I said whats wrong now man? I think that we need to have a talk. Its something that should have happened a long time ago. He said "We can do that" Then he got in the elevator and went up to take his lunch break.
So he comes back down and I pretty much summed up everything I've felt over these last 7 or 8 months. Having to come to work and us not speaking....me almost getting fired....having to deal with the crazies outside....work-related issues....personal life problems and then the Covid thing. I told him that sometimes in life things gang up on you and that there comes a time when something has to give if you are overwhelmed. Bootsie is currently working two jobs and also doing his side hustle business thing with vending machines. He says he's always tired and not getting enough sleep or rest. Next year he's planning to move out of the country because he's tired of how things are here (in the US?) He's also frustrated because often we are relieved late and he has to struggle with traffic in the rush to get to his second (temp) job which may or may not eventually become a permanent position. On top of that he is struggling financially and feels he is at a mid-life crisis (He probably is) plus he no longer has any real passion for singing; something he's done from an early age. As I sat there listening to him and looking at this handsome dark chocolate sad man my heart went out to him. It seemed odd he never once mentioned his lover (perhaps he doesn't think I know he has one?) not that it matters or is any of my business but if I was with someone and knew they were at such a crisis I'd be calling and visiting frequently. Anyway I told dude he needed to find a way to reconnect with his gift. I talked about my plans and things I'm working on creatively speaking, just trying to kinda inspire him before I went to take my lunch break. The more I think about it the more it makes sense why he was imitating me before he recently stopped. I guess he saw that it was working for me....staying afloat....keeping myself entertained and making the workplace more enjoyable. I suppose its possible this is something he was doing on a subconscious level? I guess it doesn't matter. He really looked like he could use a hug but from dealing with him I have learned how to be impartial. You can genuinely care for someone and want to help them but you have to be able to not become too emotionally attached. I've been down that road before. Caring too much. Being unappreciated and overlooked for whatever reason. I look at Bootsie now the same way I look at most other gay men (or whatever he really is) Unattainable. Self-absorbed. Materialistic. Immature. Emotionally unavailable. Body worshipping hot-messes who would run from the best thing even if it was right in front of them. Get married. Pray the gay away. Get a dog. Do drugs. Or come up with any excuse not to let someone in. Distractions can work for awhile yet in most cases they are only temporary fixes. Addiction to some of these things can be dangerous. I've said it before. I may be a black gay man who works within the community. Right in the thick of it actually. Ground Zero even. Yet still most of the time I feel like I am outside looking in at a cool group of kids who I am not a part of. I just don't fit in and they will probably never really accept me no matter what I do. I like me. Even if I am not the ideal body type. No college degree. No car. All my short comings, failures and victories. I think in spite of it all I have managed to do pretty well for myself. Always gonna be room for improvement and I will strive for it. Ultimately it is my belief that for much of my life I have tried to be a part of the wrong crowd anyway. Truth.
I really have no idea if Bootsie even listened really listened to anything I told him. Mostly I suspect one day 10 or so years from now the light will come on in his brain and he'll get it together. He has a powerful spirit and was given his talent for a reason. I told him he needed to take some time to get away from everything. Maybe take a medical leave or something and not to run from himself (like Janet said) People do do that at times. As he talked and I looked at him more I could see wrinkles of stress on his face. The same thing I saw looking in the mirror at myself. Other people remarked I looked tired the other night and its understandable when you are stressed constantly with things coming at you left and right and you're not getting enough rest. Then when you don't really have some sort of support group or someone right there....life can kick your ass and lead you into some dark places. I didn't ask Bootsie if he ever thought about ending his life or if he was still getting therapy. Didn't ask him if he would ever like to have lunch one day or maybe he would be interested in coming to Disney with me if I do decide to go thru with going on my birthday. I was tempted to ask him if he'd like to break bread but my mind wanders back to months ago and what happened those times I tried to be friends with this guy and when I dared to think we could be more until I got that painful wake-up call to stay the hell away and in my lane. The funny thing is how easy it has become for me to turn my feelings on and off. It does worry me a bit sometimes I'm not gonna lie that perhaps I am picking up traits from damaged folks I should be shutting out at all costs. There are some wonderful souls out here who have let the filth from hurt nasty minded individuals dull their shiny spirits and outlook on life. Guess it does pay when you learn a constructive yet subtle manner of keeping folks at a distance especially if they're not on your level emotionally. Think its safe to say I still care about dude and hopefully our talk helped him. He seemed so resistant and had an answer to everything but at some points in the conversation I could see glimmers of hope. Just glimmers. A seed perhaps that life isn't all hopeless and bleak. Plus we can at least talk to each other now (at work only of course because I will never call or text him again. I will save that perhaps for my new African friend who is giving me his attention) and it won't feel so damn weird when he's near. Strangely enough on many occassions (I kid you not) his energy has affected some of my electrical devices when he comes around. So thats why I say he has a powerful spirit. Its anybody's guess why or if at some point in the future he will find a way to channel it to bring about some lasing positive change in this world. At the other end of the spectrum, he could become Darth Vader but let us pray that isn't the case.
