Confessions of a sad superhero book 99

 (To DJ Ajamu presents Neo Soul The Playlist Vol 2 -YouTube-)

Been dreaming more frequently. This is a good thing and it is certainly because of "M" sessions. Very intense I guess because...well because its been so long since I've been with anyone. I had a half-assed sexual encounter awhile back but was hesitant to go all the way because I was too nervous. It had been a looooooong time for me and I was too tight and apprehensive to continue. Facts. My father once told me something that stuck with me. He said that people can go crazy if they go too long without having sex. As nuts as that sounds I think theres some truth to it. Sexual frustration is a real thing. Its pretty damn powerful actually and when you add to the fact one can get addicted to the pheromonal emissions of certain folks well you could have the potential for a powderkeg situation. Some people canreally get their hooks in you like that Ojays song and its difficult to break free. I suspect this is why some people turn psycho after break-ups and do crazy things. Anyway I feel like I did myself a good one by cold turkey stepping away from dating after one failed attempt too many. Some folks go to Mexico and find themselves a prostitute but me...Ima throw myself into my work. Like Lois Lane says she does when Clark goes away for a long time. Focus on the important stuff. The things and people that matter. Not gonna lie...it has been a long process yet I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Not that kind of light. 

So anyway back to my dream. Dreams. The other day it was a white wolf trying to get in a house to get me and my stepsister. The day before I was on a bus waiting for folks to get back from somewhere. Yesterday it was me in a house and singing the lyrics to that Diana Ross song  "Do you know where you're going to" to someone because they never heard it and turning off a tv and game system to leave. At some point I think we heard machine gun fire outside. Maybe there are some subconscious messages in these dreams or perhaps I really am peering into some alternate universe with a different kind of life for me. I can't say I know for sure. Just like I don't have an answer for why it is I dream so much when most other folks don't seem to dream often or if at all. I mean yeah I'm different. I guess maybe I'm like a omega level telepath who was never trained to use his abilities and so I just have to figure out things on my own because as far as I know there is no Xavier institute. (Well some say there are such places!) But what I can say for sure is that it is almost overbearing living in this world when you are hypersensitive to so much. I wonder how many other people just cracked mentally and physically because of the strain? Probably more sad stories out there than I can imagine... So yeah that would mean I am not the only sad superhero running around out here. Earth Wind and Fire said one day I will find others like me and if that is true I wonder then how much longer will I be waiting? Of course there is always the possibility I've run across them already...

I went to the UPS place near me the other day to drop off my Nintendo Joy Cons. Nintendo fixes them for folks free of charge since so many broke down and they got sued. I also went to the supermarkets near me a few times and did my laundry. Been coming out of my shell so to speak these past few weeks. Hasn't been easy but one can only stay in the house wallowing for so long. You gotta get out and feel the sun or the moon on your head. Your skin. You have to force yourself to face people and the world no matter how scary it can be at times. All over the planet things are happening. Some good things for sure yet at times the bad seems to outweigh the good. Wars in Armenia. Wars in Africa. Shit going on in Haiti. Shit happening in Mexico. All these shootings here in the US. Anti Jewish shit. The trans community is in the news alot these days. Even though I work in the lgbt community and have some trans associates I still feel kinda weirded out by the fact they have basically assimilated into the lgbt community. I mean first it was lgbt then it became lgbtq then it became lgbtq+ and some people are making fun calling us the alphabet community. But lgbt and these other groups...well we have some things in common yet it is the fact society hates us that we banded together. However this unity is something I'm wondering if its imaginary. Some of the things the community is doing or have done are things I don't agree with and in some ways society could be turning against us which could be "undoing" some the things previous generations fought to achieve. Sometimes I feel like I need to start my own community as I don't really feel I fit in with the community. I have always felt like an outsider yet these days its more and more. Initially the lgbt community were heroes in my eyes but things have changed. Now everyone is so easily offended and quick to cancel plus theres so much money moving and politics being thrown around. It is said if one stays a hero long enough the world will see them become a villain. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 98

To: The world is a ghetto (Will Downing classic club mix on youtube)

Yesterday was just like the day before. Couldn't sleep. So I've learned to just embrace it. Fall asleep when I fall asleep. Rent is paid. Went to Staples to ship the defective hard drive back to Amazon. Noticed that Trump has been indicted. What will come of it I wonder. Folks can now carry concealed guns in Florida. Anti-gay laws passed in Uganda. And here I was thinking of moving to Africa. Turns out they don't like us there either. What is us anyway? People who question their sexuality and dare to seek self expression? More self-appointed regulators of society claiming to represent a god none of them have ever seen. Claiming to represent cleanliness when in truth everything that happens in a bedroom is nasty. If you really think about it. Its so very necessary (for some of us) yet its still kinda disgusting. Still dreaming. Creative enthusiasm and motivation returning. My mind is coming back to being me. Healing in so many ways. Getting back into the swing of things and remembering what is important enough to focus on. Mastering the art of just letting go and letting God(?)

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Random thoughts and introspections on life and thingamajigs.

To: Chilled hip hop and neo soul mix#32 ( Raphael on youtube)

Went outside yesterday.  It was a small thing. To me a giant leap. I needed to return a defective hard drive that wouldn't work on my PC or PS5. It was cool outside as I walked in the sun with my "Nerds" trucker cap on. The one with the holes in it on top to let the sun in. Might have been clocked by a brother as I neared Stapes. Not sure. Never really sure if the look means they are liking what they see or if they're interested in destroying what it is they see.  

Went to Jack In The Box for a chicken Teriyaki bowl. (Said I was cutting down on the fowl yet we all have our cheat days right?) There was a handsome brother there. Kinda reminded me of someone I once knew. It was strange. Well maybe it always is. Being in the presence of something that seems unattainable. Feels like all my sins are laid bare and I can't even look in his direction for long. Why do I let people intimidate me in this fashion? Feels like theres this unintentional exchange of energy that happens you know. Part of me thinks one day I'll go to some far off land to study in the mountains with some guru who will instruct me in the ways of controlling this weird energy or pheremone thing about me. Yeah it does sound "out there".

It was an interesting weekend though. Tried this "date site" turns out its a scam haven. So had to get off there. People be stealing photos and sometimes I feel someone may be out there pretending to be me. Ain't that something. Seems alot of it is coming from "the motherland" but Ima leave that alone. Just be careful on Facebook ya'll... Scammers be so on it...calling me every day never leaving voicemails but texting saying your account is compromised or some crazy ish. Everybody on Instagram now is a personal trainer or a bitcoin expert. 

Meant to do my laundry but that didn't happen. Meant to get groceries. That didn't happen but I resisted the urge to call doordash. Its the small victories that sometimes matter the most eh? Doordash be expensive as hell so trying to cut back. Saving that money because the film. Because...the dentist. Because maybe the move will happen soon. Maybe I need to finally go get those damn glasses. So worried it might make my eyesight worse you know? 

Been playing games and keeping my hand-eye coordination trained up. Posting gameplay videos. In pursuit of the ever-elusive algorithm. Its real I tell you. No tin foil hat here. Well not at this moment in time. Called my buddy about storage. Gotta do something about my clutter. Clutter.com might be the only solution until I get my own house. Called my Sasquatch director. Something I put off for awhile. Was partly due to being sick but also indecisive about what steps to take next. Seems a fundraiser is in order to make this film happen. Seems ironic we might need to give somebody money to help us get somebody to give us money (for our film). Cue the laugh track. But that might be the trick no one tells you about for crowdfunding. 

Stuck here at the desk but not resentful since that means no more patroling for this shift. Also that means I'll miss a 15-minute break. 

It was nice to get outside yesterday. Like it was to go to the beach last week. To go outside and walk around. Strange that things you might have once taken for granted feel like luxuries now. Gifts. The mind bends and stretches from just stuff. Theres scars that might never completely heal and there might always be some anger realizing some of this anxiety was thrust upon me by bad people who oddly enough still effect my life. Yet life goes on no matter how scary and unsettling it might seem at times. What I have learned is that it is much easier to navigate through all this when you have clear goals and objectives.  It also helps if you can be somewhat realistic...