(Background music by A Tribe Called Quest via Youtube and Spotify)

*

RANTING AND RAVING? (I guess)

 

I couldn’t do it anymore man.

I don’t trust you anymore man.

My feelings my emotions

I think they all shut down

I shut them down

My nerves are shot.

Trying to heal myself

But it might be too late.

Body and mind breaking down

And you

The one I depended on

Did nothing to help me.

I’m not just here to fulfil your sexual needs.

I put all my energy into talking to you

Now I gotta remember how to talk to other people.

They look at me on the street

Don’t know if it’s the hello or fuck you look.

Not sure whether to cross the street

Or hug a brother

Because a brother be looking like

He wanna kick my ass just for being alive

Here in this city.

Is it like this all over?

Nowhere to escape the hateful glare of

The brother

Who don’t trust me

Because he been done wrong by

Another brother.

Taught to hate himself by religion

And society.

So of course he’s gonna hate on me.

It’s a vicious cycle on repeat.

I wanna thank you for your contribution.

 

Today was another one of those days I barely got any sleep. Because he was there. Most of the day.

I can barely relax around him these days. His touch sometimes irritates even though I find myself wanting to touch him. I try to stay away you know? I think of going to sleep in some hotel somewhere by myself just so I can get some peace and quiet. It is true what they say….”No matter how good looking he/she is somebody somewhere is TIRED of their shit” All that glitters ain’t gold. That beautiful dark skin. All those muscles and that charming smile it don’t mean a damn thing if that’s all you have to bring to the table. Who are you? I Who is this man? I ask myself so often. He probably doesn’t think I’ll leave but “we” are on borrowed time. Truth is there is no “we”. Not sure there ever was. Real talk.

No kisses.

No hugs.

No massages.

No valentines day cards

And no happy holidays (like Mary J said).

Yeah it would be nice to have a friend

A partner to do things with

But the truth is

I have actually been alone

Even when I was with others

So I’m certainly no stranger to being

By myself.

I know it sounds like I’m sad and having a pity party but the truth is I am trying to process all these things. Trying to process all these emotions. I want to understand why technology has made dating so weird and why there are so many damn bottoms running around and why women give me so much more attention than guys. I mean it would be so easy if I were into women yet any inclination is like a quickly passing wave followed by visions of me losing my lunch. No I’ve never gone THERE before if you’re asking. I dream about muscles and masculine pheremonal emissions not breasts and vjay jays!

I dream about me being on a quiet beach somewhere with my mind so far removed from all my problems. Thing is that beach seems to be in another country. Call of the wild???

*

I think I’m gonna skip ahead 3 years in all the SonsofLegend related webseries in order to “erase” all the continuity issues with the stories. Feels like a cop out but it is a quick and easy fix. I have some ideas. Plus all the back story crap is something I could address in flashbacks or even have illustrated as comic books. Or animation? Meanwhile editing continues on a couple of episodes. The editor says they will be done Friday but I’m not so sure I believe him. He’s doing an episode of DragonManx and an episode of Sins of Legend. This stuff was shot months ago. I have not put out a new SOL related project since last December and its driving me crazy having to wait so long. The really rough cut I saw looks okay but I am worried the quality might not be quite what it should be you know?

Theres this composer who lives in Europe and he’s gonna be scoring DragonManx for me.  He’s a young guy who’s giving me a good rate for his music. I discovered him on Youtube weeks ago. We skyped yesterday via Xbox One (Skype is so iffy at times on that thing) I’m really excited because the excellent music will elevate the quality of DragonManx. As for the trip to Detroit I gotta make sure the money is right before I go out there. Right now the trip is scheduled for the end of June. Theres a nice guy out there who’s gonna let me stay with him. Says we can even drive out to Canada. Now that would be awesome if I could get some footage shot OVER THERE! As far as cast and crew goes I have my actors and camera guy. Even managed to recruit a local rapper who will probably contribute some tracks. He found some locations for me too. Detroit isn’t weird about letting people film on the streets like they are here in Cali but I’m really looking for some old deserted types of interiors. Nothing too dangerous you know? But Detroit has some cool structures. It looks like a city Batman would live in so it makes sense that its functioning as Gotham in the next Superman movie where he fights Batman. (Damn that Ben Affleck is so hot)

We had some rehearsals last month for Sins of Legend and SonsofLegend at my job. I rented a room out for three hours. It was the most expensive rehearsal I have ever done. Cost me $325.00. $75.00 for the room and I paid the actors $30.00 a piece. $50.00 to the DP and Director. No a brotha ain’t rich so don’t get it twisted. Just had to accept if you want people to show up its better to pay them something you know? And honestly we may need ANOTHER rehearsal as it was so rushed plus one actor missed it. I think we may need to rehearse 3 hours one day for one episode and another 3 hours on another day for the other episode just to make sure the stunt coordinator has enough time to get everything down. The constant rescheduling is getting on my nerves but I think the actors don’t mind it because of rehearsals and the fact they are getting paid. Yes a lot of you out there might not think you need to pay talent but if a person is getting in a car or bus to come across town to be in your shit you should at least cover their gas fare you know? Gotta get some costumes and probably a permanent make-up person. An on set photo person would be nice but possibly over reaching. There is so much work that goes into a series and I have so much respect for tv shows (especially the old ones) who are/were able to do it weekly on the budgets they have. Speaking of budgets I’m planning a videogame function soon to help me raise funds. Gonna need to invest in another PS4 controller though. One solution at a time….

Was at work listening to Stevie Wonder tonight when the emotions hit me.  It feels so good to feel anything you know? And the tears started falling.  It was that one song “One day at Christmas” When Stevie said “Maybe not in time for you and me” I started thinking about my Grandmothers and all those who have gone on to glory. I thought about all the cruelty of this world and how so many have died needlessly from violence and I also thought about how lucky (hopefully) future generations won’t have to suffer like we have because of mankinds immaturity during this age.

Sometimes the emotions bottled up build up within me and it becomes so much. Sometimes the pain is so great inside that I can’t sleep.

Sometimes I wake up gasping. Thrashing. Heart pounding. I am so damn traumatized from all the evil shit people have put in me by things they have done to me.

Traumatized from this life. But Marvin said this ain’t living.

This is a constant struggle and people wanna clown me if I dare to laugh you know?

Its not even funny. People trying to kill me. Trying to steal from me spiritually or financially. All the while the world seems to keep trying to swallow us all up. Earthquakes,terrorist cells and erratic dangerous weather patterns. Police trying to get me because I look suspicious and I can barely pay my bills man.  Is it all in my mind that the enemy often seems to look JUST LIKE ME. And my mama always told me to beware of my own because they will do the most damage.

What a mess.

Go to work every night.

Come home.

Laying down next to a man who won’t touch me.

Like I am diseased. Undesireable.

I think I’m getting too used to this so I try to break away from him.

How much longer can we live together? Should I keep doing this to myself?

It feels so good to touch his skin but he’s to have and NOT to hold.  He might love me yet he’s never been in love with me. I wish I could remember what it was like to have such a thing.

All these who might like me live so so far away.
or they are too old.
or I'm "not the right type".
The constant rejection forces me to retreat into myself every now and then.

Yeah I know its best not to dwell on such things and mostly I keep it at bay
Then there are days like this. Nights when the city seems so big. So huge.

Its like being in a desert all alone searching. Surviving somehow invisible to the other animals even though I am screaming at the top of my lungs.

The videogames and comics,movies and music help keep me going. Still recovering from that big betrayal. Months of work/footage gone. Over a thousand dollars gone and nothing I could do about it. He fucked me over REAL good and made off like a bandit with a big part of my trust. Made me hate him so much that in my minds eye I saw me with the gun pulling the trigger. And if I saw him with that gun in my hand he might  would be a dead nigger. So he better stay far away. Gonna take me some years to get over this but best believe I will. 

Life keeps going on even when I think about leaving. On FB I tried to convince a young girl to keep going yesterday. She was down because of some guy. Some guy who will still be here living his life even if she decides to check out of here. Some of us really don't have an outlet and the mental ills make leaving seem so enticing. Real talk but I can’t leave because I have so much work to do. This foolish dream of mine you know? I chase it and the wind catches me. Thought I found someone cool to hold yet it was fleeting. Thank you A4A for reminding me some of us just don’t get the guy in the end. But I’d rather be rich anyway. Rich in spirit,mind and soul. And yes I want the fabulous bank account as well.  Its coming. Its coming. I’ll take over the world and die fighting evil. My way.