Confessions of a sad superhero book 143

 -At the Starbucks at the grove again. Just back from seeing the film The American Society Of Magical Negores- 

Also not sitting with my back turned away from everyone this time. Anxiety progress?

Moving on as I hastily place some of my comics in plastic covers to distribute....

Just the other day at work (or rather the other night) my zany co-worker was trippin. This guy will literally walk out the door then immediately call out several areas he supposedly has patrolled even though he just stepped outside. To my knowledge no one ever seems to notice or call him out. First he in a roundabout way accused me of taking his mailed Amazon packages. (He also asked me if I was OCD or something because I always complain about the cord to our company iPhone being on the floor like 98% of the time. He asked another co-worker the same thing I heard one morning) "Do you think you might have accidentally picked up one of my packages?" He asked me that because he'd seen me bringing some boxes over from our other building across the street earlier where I always get my packages delivered. Thats because I have had some things stolen before from my apt building. I was kinda flabbergasted and told him no. That was weird really. I was like "I'm not that old" I mean just to assume I would take your packages...! Then Saturday morning he asked me after coming back to the desk area to listen to music "Uh can't you  watch that upstairs?" (I was watching a Blerd without fear video on Youtube) I was like huh? Then I had to remind him he was supposed to actually be on patrol and he was tripping and that he should ay no to drugs. He somehow managed to get the time mixed up. This is honestly just a few of the numerous events at work that make me question the sanity of folks I work with. 

I can feel this person sitting nearby who has been staring at me since I came in here but I've mangaged to tune them out for the most part. Anyway I'm glad I bought my backpack with two laptops in it since the battery died just now in my Asus Chromebook. (Right now I'm on the Asus Chromebook) The voice inside told me to charge the Chromebook before I left this morning but I didn't listen. Need to be more careful in the future. Its important to me that I get out and give myself a chance to work on social skills as opposed to just sitting at home you know. So maybe every Sunday going forward I should drag myself out to see a movie and then afterwards grab a coffee. To compliment the caramel macchiato I got a lemon pound cake slice and a strawberry lemon pudding bar. Last time it was a lemon poundcake slice with a cheesecake lemon danish. I wore green since I think today is Saint Patricks day. I did miss the first 10 minutes of the movie but I figured I'd get the home video when it releases. Now I'm not so sure. From seeing the trailer the impression was there'd be more action but that wasn't the case. In fact there was no real action. This was a love story. More of what you'd call a dramedy. Pretty light on spectacle or visual effects. This would have been more suited to a release on home video. I'd say lifetime but probably this would perform better on one of the services directed more at us black folks. The story revolved around the adorable Justice Smith who joins up with a secret organization of magically gifted black folks who use their powers to make sure the balance of the world doesn't go out of wack because white folks are unhappy. Justice meets a girl he likes but she just so happens to work for a company he works for and as luck would have it the same girl is his boss at his company. I know what a crazy coincidence right? Also as luck would have it the girl plays a part in Smiths first assignment to help a white person achieve happiness in the world. So of course the rules are that one cannot fall in love with clients yet this ends up happening. This is the only real danger element in the movie. If any of the "magically inclined negroes" break the rules EVERY other magical negro loses their powers. You'd think an organization that has been around for decades would have a failsafe in place in case this type of thing happened. I know...we have to suspend disbelief if we are to enjoy these stories right? (Sigh) My problem with this film was I wish going in that I knew this was more suited for home viweing because I like my theater flicks with big action scenes and some car chases here and there. Also there needs to be some kind of climactic confrontation. Like a super powered battle or a shootout/kung fu showdown. Something. I mean there were times the film dragged with dialogue and I felt it was needless. What was missing? Maybe a shadowy type counter organization that maybe benefits from white folks being unhappy. I mean there was another similar organization but this is going into spoiler territory so I'll stop here. Not a bad movie (and I'm glad to support it) but it needed a bit more seasoning for my taste. I give it a generous 4 out of 10. 

Oh I almost forgot I got blocked on Facebook earlier and the funny thing is I saw it coming. (Time to put on the headphones and the jazz music) Lawd a lady came back to her table saying she thought someone took her laptop and it was pointed out to her by another lady that it was sitting RIGHT there on the table in front of her! Am I indeed an oasis in a desert of incompetency? Okay so back to me being blocked. Like a couple days ago I posted something about a new film that just released based on an old tv show I grew up watching. The show was called "Fall Guy" and featured Lee Majors as a bounty hunter who also was a stunt man too I think. So this new film is loosely based on that concept and its also called Fall Guy and stars Ryan Gosling. Keep in mind I am a big fan of both Ryan Gosling since I first saw him in a movie called "The Believer" where he played a psycho skinhead. I grew up watching Lee Majors in a bunch of stuff but I will always know him as Steve Austin the cybernetically enhanced spy "The Six Million Dollar man!" So yeah one can say I have a soft spot for these guys. (Yes I did love Barbie too and it wasn't just because of all the masculine scented eye candy!) in my Facebook post I went on about how psyched I was to see the Fall Guy movie and then this guy named Lukas (Ironically he was featured in my first webseries SonsofLegend) Lukas was all "They need to stop remaking everything because Hollywood ran out of ideas" He said some other stuff but I can't remember. I just told him I was looking forward to the movie and Ryan Gosling seems to be unstoppable at this point to which Lukas goes "I just watched the trailer and it looks like trash and Ryan is not unstoppable because he didn't win the oscar" I just replied I never said Ryan was unstoppable and what is your point of coming on my post? Is it to convince me I should not like the movie or are you trolling because I like something you don't? Asking for a friend?" So when I got up this morning dude hadn't responded and he was like invisible when I searched for him on Facebook. So yeah I tell you people are losing their damn minds out here. Anyway Ima play some games on my Steam Deck for a minute then its off to the market for groceries and quarters so the laundry can get done. Tomorrow I'm to go to the dentist but I may push it back to next week. Oh yeah in other news I got my new company logo design. The name is Cryptid Cookout Productions!

Confessions of a sad superhero book 142

 ToAlfa Mist -Spotify Playlist-

A co-worker who is being all weird with me these days once asked me why I keep a blog and my answer of course was so that one day in the future someone could read this shit and get an idea of how life was during this time. That is truth but also this is helping me air out stuff so I don't become a super-villain. Most important of all I would like to believe one day someone will read these words and find somethig of use here to help them along my journey. I have been aided by reading others retelling of life experiences and it is important to as they say..."Each one teach one" or "Pay it forward" People have given me things so I need to give others things to help in my own way. What a world it would be if every single person on this planet felt the same way. Think about it.

Had another one of those interesting dreams the other day. I guess they all are interesting. Lee Majors was walking in front of me and my stepdad and I think a cousin I've not seen in many moons was there. I made a comment about back problems and solutions because Lee was walking funny. Lee then tossed me a rock. The next thing I know I am in a house and I think I was talking with some family members. There was a woman but who I'm not sure. Might have been my cousin Heather who I also haven't seen in forever. We were discussing going to see a drive in movie. Don't ask me why I dreamt that. I do recall maybe a few days ago running across who I think is Heathers nephew on Facebook in passing but the subconsciousness is a strange animal. I did use to be very close to Heather and her brothers growing up in North Carolina but we have all grown apart. Sometimes I think its because of the gay thing or maybe we simply don't have use for each other in each others lives anymore. I have fallen out of touch with many relatives. Just trying to make it here in Cali and being lost in my own thoughts so much of the time...I have missed many funerals so I suppose some folks might be mad at me. Its a perplexing feeling knowing you have a family yet at the same time you feel like maybe you really don't. I suppose no family is perfect though and I should count myself lucky to have what I do have. It wasn't/isn't all bad. Really. I do feel guilty at times when I ponder too much on this.

Word Play: POWER

Power. What is it? Do I have it? Everyone has some in some manner but for so long I have been the one answering to others and having to be mindful of incurring wrath if I deviate from some authoritative figure in my life. I think its safe to say its stunted my spiritual growth on some levels. Always feeling below someone and worrying about getting in trouble. It hasn't escaped me that some folks have used their powers on me. Manipulative and vindictive. Spiritually stunted yet in full realization of whatever gifts or tactics they use to get by and then they encounter someone like me who doesn't fully bend to what usually works for them. I am a challenge then to their perception of the world due to whatever limitations they have cuz some folks really never met a true artist or someone who can articulate and it scares them. Makes them act out because of insecurities. I am searching to have more control or power in my life and some who don't understand this drive come for me and I am frustrated at times when others don't want to join up to build something. Power. Like Seal said..."A sky full of people and only some want to fly" Indeed. I'm tired of answering to others and want to see how it feels to be a boss. I will have this. I need it to be free.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 141

 To State of jazz on Spotify (Streaming from the PS5)

Still feel myself gradually coming out of the funk I was in for like the last year. I realize now with all certainty I definitely experienced a nervous breakdown of sorts. Rejection is a powerful thing and it sent me on a spiraling path...spiraling down into some kind of a pit like Bruce Wayne had to climb out of after he was broken. Dude had to do the impossible you know? But it wasn't just that painful rejection by itself that did it. There were so many other things going on and that wacky co-worker actually pointed it out after I explained some of the insane things that have happened during my time at the LGBT center. Well particularly over the last few years we have occupied the new building. I am dealing with some trauma. Then theres the whole Covid thing that changed the world. My sister passing still feels like a bad dream and although I was getting it back together creatively after losing control over one of my dearest creations he came along and knowing/understanding I meant nothing to him well it was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I wasn't ready to date anyone to be fair and I had no business trying to court anyone yet there I was and when you ae not ready for something and you dare to dive in you reap the rewards of failure. So it was a lesson for me. Its strange Captain Liberia says he's basically mad because I don't call him and I sometimes feel like calling more often yet theres resistance because I know his heart belongs to this woman who lives in another country he likely gave his heart to before we even met.So I end up deciding not to bother calling. Then you have Mr. N a man from my past who will from time to time text me out of the blue yet never wants to speak on the phone and often takes hours if not days to respond when I do reply to him. Honestly I suspect something is off with this guy. For all I know he's not even who he says he is. Could be someone else using his phone for all I know right? You damn straight I'm suspicious because I know full well the games these humans play and ain't nobody got time for that. Its foolishness. There was a cool Nigerian guy doing Whatsapp with me almost daily but mostly I think he might he been trying to scam his way into my heart on some level but he was also kinda controlling so theres that too. Now when I look at guys and their perfect photos on tik tok and instagram I swear all I see is someone who probably wouldn't even look at me on the street if they walked by. Theres this feeling of not measuring up. Of not being on that level. The inner voice says to me "Stay in your lane boy because you lack the body and the education and you know you have all these problems you need to fix before you can even start thinking about this relationship dynamic. Also nobody is gonna date you since you don't drive. Well maybe when you're all rich and successful then you might have a chance but how much time do you really have to give to all those things that really matter? So this in effect is mostly the totality of my trauma. I feel like I'm maybe biding my time to grow my butterfly wings whilst I work on getting my shit together and then just maybe one day when the spirit moves me I won't think dating and relationships are "just those things that other people do" Until then then welcome I guess to my new normal. "I work at pleasing me because I can't please you and thats why I do what I do" Thus sayeth Erykah Badu and if she says it then it must be true... It is my truth. Stifle my feelings. Suppress my sexuality. (Hey at least I can fantasize right but even that feels wrong at times) Hide away from the world. Put out these stories then. Do these films. Make the cartoons and one day I'm sure there will be a videogame and possibly a clothing line. Gotta lay low and focus on the things that make me feel good and take care of business. You know they do say no one is coming to save you and I need to make sure my future me doesn't hate the present me. Yeah I realize some may write me off and even try to mess with me but I have to keep my eyes on the prize because that is your God given life raft. Don't give these buffoons your time. If it don't make dollars it don't make sense is the perfect way to put things in perspective...

Went to the movies over my long weekend. (Took Monday off) What did I see? Oh it was my life story. Kung Fu Panda 4. I've always loved those films and Jack Black can do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. It was funny enough and they even managed to squeeze in some important life lesson wisdom stuff. Something about not staying stagnant in life and then being willing to pass your knowledge and wisdom on to the next generation. In other words enjoy your time in the limelight and then graciously pave the way for those who will come after to get their own time to pave the way. Yadda yadda. Needless to say I enjoyed the movie. Afterwards, feeling anxiety kicking in I walked over to the Starbucks to get some coffee (caramel macchiatto) along with these lemon cake thingies. One was a pound cake and the other was a danish. Please forgive the occasional grammar or punctuation error but my grammarly is offline. Anyway I sat down in the shop as they still haven't re-opened the outdoor patio they have. I browsed the web via Wi-Fi on my phone then read a comic on my mini kindle. I took out my Rog Asus Ally and played Banishers on it for about 45 min (which is about all the batttery life you're gonna get unplugged.😸) A young white guy came over "Excuse me but I hope you don't mind me asking what is that?" So I broke it all down to him about the Asus console and how PC consoles have taken off over the last few years and gave him a brief breakdown about my device. It was a cool little interaction and I noticed other people looking over seemingly surprised two other people were actually connecting with each other. I wish I'd noticed that music was playing rather loudly from my little mp3 player in my little green messenger bag. I mean I did later realize it but the whole time I was tripping because I was thinking "Damn somebody up in here got some good taste because they listening to my whole playlist!" 

Still it was good to get out and do something and I keep feeling the call of the wild pulling me telling me that my time working at the LGBT center is drawing to a close. As much as blessing as that place has been to me I've stayed there long enough and I feel like I'm squashing the true me the longer I keep working there. Definitely got some much needed life teachings but its becoming clearer I don't really belong there anymore. I actually spoke to a rep for a course that helps people looking to get into writing for video games today. It felt good to do that and this is a natural progression for me. When she asked about my writing aspirations and things I have done I told her all about my recent comic book release and work in film over the years. Strange that only now do I feel really feel like I have the right creative ammunition to approach those who are actually in a position to help me. Nevermind the gatekeepers because they be out here man. I feel like I can stand on stage with talent because I have something to bring to the table. Just gotta refine my skills and get a bit of formal training. This means mingling with other folks which can be a challenge but life finds a way right? I need to find an effective way to market and promote my comic book now that it is actually done and I have physical copies in my hand. I did give away some at work to help promote it and a few people bought some copies via the kickstarter campaign. Speaking of crowdfunding I need to start leaning more into tapping into this as a medium for getting stuff done as the whole being basically broke between paychecks thing is getting old. I had to push back filming my podcast due to lack of funds and then seemingly out of nowhere all these other financial obligations just ganged up on me. I need to get dental work done. Gotta get glasses and start looking into storage options for some of this stuff cluttering up my place. No rest for the weary indeed but at least I am learning that sometimes it is good to just do without something or wait for a sale if you want it that bad. Its not always easy but one must also learn the importance of keeping money in the bank for a rainy day. One should also learn how to invest in stock. Even if its just alittle bit. That little side hustle can save your ass...

So whats going on in the world. The videogame market might be heading towards a crash. The digital only age which seemed like a good thing initially has now started getting folks worried about losing their content as companies are delisting stuff. Trump seems to be poised for another shot at the presidency and his people are threatening violence if he loses. It has been pretty cold over here in Cali and the homeless issue is becoming even more of a problem here as more and more folks flock here and live in tents on the streets or rather the sidewalks. Desantis dropped out of his run for President but now he's back making crazy changes in Florida although his war with Disney seems ot have ceased. I think Disney might still be suing but I'm not sure as this isn't making headlines these days. Thankfully some time has gone by with no news of a mass shooting but more and more business owners are fighting back against crime by arming themselves. Meanwhile I can't buy deodorant at the supermarket anymore without having to summon a clerk to unlock the glass case they keep the deodorant behind. Also people steal the little baskets you carry things around in while shopping so most of the time at the market I am haphazardly balancing things in a stack in my arms whilst navigating thru the aisles to get groceries. Yes there have been some "accidents" Also about the market...I hate going because the stupid alarms keep going off when I leave. At first I thought maybe someone was messing with me but it seems to be the magnetic crap on either my buspass or work door badge. I just have to make sure when I go for gorceries or quarters to make sure my pockets are empty so the security guards won't be watching me side eyed or DL following me around in the store. There was some awards show this weekend. Oscars I think. Seems Godzilla for the first time might hve gotten a nom or won. Its weird how we would all flock to watch these award ceremonies on tv but nowadays one gets the impression most folks don't care. I tune in to watch the news or half time shows as far as live tv goes and thats about it although I try to check out stuff on the retro stations from time to time. I did a little Gilligans Isle marathon last month. Surprised noone has bothered to remake that. Give em time...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 140

The last few weeks have been soooo surreal. I say that because my comic books have officially gone out into the wild. Its a wonderful feeling seeing my creation in physical form. Thanks to the success of the Kickstarter campaign I was able to get DragonManx #1 published and now I have physical copies I can sell. Of course, I also have digital digital distribution. (A guy just walked up asking for an ambulance and I told him there's nothing I can do as we are not supposed to get involved with anything that happens off the property. Also, he seemed fine aside from a small scar on his forehead. Dude was in a grey short-sleeved shirt. Brown-skinned and mid-20s at most. Handsome but something felt "off" and I noticed after he left here he walked past some people waiting for the bus across the street after approaching a man for something. I do feel bad for not opening the door to speak with him but here we have to be careful...) Back to my comic...To be frank I was surprised they gave me the okay to put some copies of my comic out here for people to take because before in the past I was not allowed to promote stuff or even promote my kickstarter campaign. This really hurt as my comic is about a black lgbt character and I just thought I would be able to get support which certainly would have helped the kickstarter campaign out but whatever. (That guy came back and he's knocking on the door again but my supervisor told me I did the right thing by not getting involved...) I still have a bunch of other books to get out since I've been working on stuff these past few years. Gerbilla. John Henry. Gamer Granny. Tohm the mouse and Harrold. Detector Pig. Sasquatch And The Mythology Sisterhood. SonsOfLegend. Sins Of Legend. Paul Bunyan. In addition to the Sasquatch cartoon and the soft reboot of live action SonsofLegend and a new manga-style comic plus a new Zorro concept and my podcast revival. Theres other stuff too I probably forgot about lurking. Its encouraging to know crowdfunding can help me get things done as opposed to dealing with investors who might try to mess around with the creation process. Ask me how I know about THAT. 

Like a week ago I  took the train out to Long Beach. This is something I usually do when I have a lot on my mind. A nice (used to be) peaceful train ride then a stroll along the beach then afterwards maybe get a bite to eat at one of the restaurants over there by the water. At least that was my plan. I was sitting there listening to Jamiroquai when these two guys got into it and one dude punched the shit out of an older gentleman. Knocking his glasses off and splattering blood everywhere. Ask me again why I dread taking public transportation. Thing is to get to Long Beach you gotta ride the train through Compton and some other areas where you have ghetto folks who don't know how to act. I've encountered drunks. People smoking. Folks blasting LOUD rap music. Also some people with serious mental issues doing crazy stuff. This whole incident here though was a reminder that I need to seriously start thinking about leaving Cali cuz its getting kinda crazy here with people losing their minds and crime becoming more common. I am not a big fan of cops because of my traumatic experience years ago where some ordered me out of a car at gunpoint in Weho because I looked like someone who robbed a store nearby allegedly. Still its becoming more and more apparent we need more of them on these streets. 

Oh yeah, I have been dreaming more frequently these days. Just yesterday I dreamt about someone using TK to push this trash bin thingie. The big metal green ones you see outside. My mind is starting to heal in some capacity from all the stuff that I've been through these past 3-4 years. Been getting better at saving money. Better at making decisions too. Still need to get dental work done. Still need to get a new passport so I can start traveling again. Seems theres always something that needs to be done. I guess. I think maybe my therapist has given up on me because we've not been able to connect for a session. It has alot to do with my sleep schedule but also she is a new mom so theres that. I think I'm doing okay. Its interesting that after having to get over Mr. Ninja I came to make peace with the prospect of being single for the rest of my life. Its easier to walk away from wanting a relationship after a painful rejection (or in my case multiple rejections). I kid not when I say I went through the wringer and had to rediscover my own self worth again then in the end I came to understand its really for my own good I stay single because these fellas be trippin and...well I have to get back to chasing the dreams and relationships that have real importance/tangibility in my life. Definitely been neglecting some things in my life and it makes me sad sometimes when I think about how much time I have wasted on the wrong people you know? We need to treasure especially the time we have left with certain family members as they get on in the years. So all this is to say I'm feeling alot better these days and for the first time in along time I truly believe I'm going to be alright. No matter how crazy things get in this world. Just have to keep my eyes on the prize as they say.