To State of jazz on Spotify (Streaming from the PS5)
Still feel myself gradually coming out of the funk I was in for like the last year. I realize now with all certainty I definitely experienced a nervous breakdown of sorts. Rejection is a powerful thing and it sent me on a spiraling path...spiraling down into some kind of a pit like Bruce Wayne had to climb out of after he was broken. Dude had to do the impossible you know? But it wasn't just that painful rejection by itself that did it. There were so many other things going on and that wacky co-worker actually pointed it out after I explained some of the insane things that have happened during my time at the LGBT center. Well particularly over the last few years we have occupied the new building. I am dealing with some trauma. Then theres the whole Covid thing that changed the world. My sister passing still feels like a bad dream and although I was getting it back together creatively after losing control over one of my dearest creations he came along and knowing/understanding I meant nothing to him well it was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I wasn't ready to date anyone to be fair and I had no business trying to court anyone yet there I was and when you ae not ready for something and you dare to dive in you reap the rewards of failure. So it was a lesson for me. Its strange Captain Liberia says he's basically mad because I don't call him and I sometimes feel like calling more often yet theres resistance because I know his heart belongs to this woman who lives in another country he likely gave his heart to before we even met.So I end up deciding not to bother calling. Then you have Mr. N a man from my past who will from time to time text me out of the blue yet never wants to speak on the phone and often takes hours if not days to respond when I do reply to him. Honestly I suspect something is off with this guy. For all I know he's not even who he says he is. Could be someone else using his phone for all I know right? You damn straight I'm suspicious because I know full well the games these humans play and ain't nobody got time for that. Its foolishness. There was a cool Nigerian guy doing Whatsapp with me almost daily but mostly I think he might he been trying to scam his way into my heart on some level but he was also kinda controlling so theres that too. Now when I look at guys and their perfect photos on tik tok and instagram I swear all I see is someone who probably wouldn't even look at me on the street if they walked by. Theres this feeling of not measuring up. Of not being on that level. The inner voice says to me "Stay in your lane boy because you lack the body and the education and you know you have all these problems you need to fix before you can even start thinking about this relationship dynamic. Also nobody is gonna date you since you don't drive. Well maybe when you're all rich and successful then you might have a chance but how much time do you really have to give to all those things that really matter? So this in effect is mostly the totality of my trauma. I feel like I'm maybe biding my time to grow my butterfly wings whilst I work on getting my shit together and then just maybe one day when the spirit moves me I won't think dating and relationships are "just those things that other people do" Until then then welcome I guess to my new normal. "I work at pleasing me because I can't please you and thats why I do what I do" Thus sayeth Erykah Badu and if she says it then it must be true... It is my truth. Stifle my feelings. Suppress my sexuality. (Hey at least I can fantasize right but even that feels wrong at times) Hide away from the world. Put out these stories then. Do these films. Make the cartoons and one day I'm sure there will be a videogame and possibly a clothing line. Gotta lay low and focus on the things that make me feel good and take care of business. You know they do say no one is coming to save you and I need to make sure my future me doesn't hate the present me. Yeah I realize some may write me off and even try to mess with me but I have to keep my eyes on the prize because that is your God given life raft. Don't give these buffoons your time. If it don't make dollars it don't make sense is the perfect way to put things in perspective...
Went to the movies over my long weekend. (Took Monday off) What did I see? Oh it was my life story. Kung Fu Panda 4. I've always loved those films and Jack Black can do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. It was funny enough and they even managed to squeeze in some important life lesson wisdom stuff. Something about not staying stagnant in life and then being willing to pass your knowledge and wisdom on to the next generation. In other words enjoy your time in the limelight and then graciously pave the way for those who will come after to get their own time to pave the way. Yadda yadda. Needless to say I enjoyed the movie. Afterwards, feeling anxiety kicking in I walked over to the Starbucks to get some coffee (caramel macchiatto) along with these lemon cake thingies. One was a pound cake and the other was a danish. Please forgive the occasional grammar or punctuation error but my grammarly is offline. Anyway I sat down in the shop as they still haven't re-opened the outdoor patio they have. I browsed the web via Wi-Fi on my phone then read a comic on my mini kindle. I took out my Rog Asus Ally and played Banishers on it for about 45 min (which is about all the batttery life you're gonna get unplugged.😸) A young white guy came over "Excuse me but I hope you don't mind me asking what is that?" So I broke it all down to him about the Asus console and how PC consoles have taken off over the last few years and gave him a brief breakdown about my device. It was a cool little interaction and I noticed other people looking over seemingly surprised two other people were actually connecting with each other. I wish I'd noticed that music was playing rather loudly from my little mp3 player in my little green messenger bag. I mean I did later realize it but the whole time I was tripping because I was thinking "Damn somebody up in here got some good taste because they listening to my whole playlist!"
Still it was good to get out and do something and I keep feeling the call of the wild pulling me telling me that my time working at the LGBT center is drawing to a close. As much as blessing as that place has been to me I've stayed there long enough and I feel like I'm squashing the true me the longer I keep working there. Definitely got some much needed life teachings but its becoming clearer I don't really belong there anymore. I actually spoke to a rep for a course that helps people looking to get into writing for video games today. It felt good to do that and this is a natural progression for me. When she asked about my writing aspirations and things I have done I told her all about my recent comic book release and work in film over the years. Strange that only now do I feel really feel like I have the right creative ammunition to approach those who are actually in a position to help me. Nevermind the gatekeepers because they be out here man. I feel like I can stand on stage with talent because I have something to bring to the table. Just gotta refine my skills and get a bit of formal training. This means mingling with other folks which can be a challenge but life finds a way right? I need to find an effective way to market and promote my comic book now that it is actually done and I have physical copies in my hand. I did give away some at work to help promote it and a few people bought some copies via the kickstarter campaign. Speaking of crowdfunding I need to start leaning more into tapping into this as a medium for getting stuff done as the whole being basically broke between paychecks thing is getting old. I had to push back filming my podcast due to lack of funds and then seemingly out of nowhere all these other financial obligations just ganged up on me. I need to get dental work done. Gotta get glasses and start looking into storage options for some of this stuff cluttering up my place. No rest for the weary indeed but at least I am learning that sometimes it is good to just do without something or wait for a sale if you want it that bad. Its not always easy but one must also learn the importance of keeping money in the bank for a rainy day. One should also learn how to invest in stock. Even if its just alittle bit. That little side hustle can save your ass...
So whats going on in the world. The videogame market might be heading towards a crash. The digital only age which seemed like a good thing initially has now started getting folks worried about losing their content as companies are delisting stuff. Trump seems to be poised for another shot at the presidency and his people are threatening violence if he loses. It has been pretty cold over here in Cali and the homeless issue is becoming even more of a problem here as more and more folks flock here and live in tents on the streets or rather the sidewalks. Desantis dropped out of his run for President but now he's back making crazy changes in Florida although his war with Disney seems ot have ceased. I think Disney might still be suing but I'm not sure as this isn't making headlines these days. Thankfully some time has gone by with no news of a mass shooting but more and more business owners are fighting back against crime by arming themselves. Meanwhile I can't buy deodorant at the supermarket anymore without having to summon a clerk to unlock the glass case they keep the deodorant behind. Also people steal the little baskets you carry things around in while shopping so most of the time at the market I am haphazardly balancing things in a stack in my arms whilst navigating thru the aisles to get groceries. Yes there have been some "accidents" Also about the market...I hate going because the stupid alarms keep going off when I leave. At first I thought maybe someone was messing with me but it seems to be the magnetic crap on either my buspass or work door badge. I just have to make sure when I go for gorceries or quarters to make sure my pockets are empty so the security guards won't be watching me side eyed or DL following me around in the store. There was some awards show this weekend. Oscars I think. Seems Godzilla for the first time might hve gotten a nom or won. Its weird how we would all flock to watch these award ceremonies on tv but nowadays one gets the impression most folks don't care. I tune in to watch the news or half time shows as far as live tv goes and thats about it although I try to check out stuff on the retro stations from time to time. I did a little Gilligans Isle marathon last month. Surprised noone has bothered to remake that. Give em time...
No comments:
Post a Comment