Confessions of a sad superhero book 81

 Comic Con LA came and went just like the rest of the year. Honestly, it seems this year whizzed by. Some things were accomplished yet there is always room for improvement. I guess thats always the case right? I found out my boss is leaving in Feb. A cool officer transferred to another location and I will be working on the 23rd when typically I get the holidays off. (The 23rd and 26th are being recognized as holidays this year since Christmas and Christmas Eve fall on the weekend) Alot of folks are on vacation and we're short on guards. At least thats what my supervisor told me. Mentally I am in a good place. For the most part. I think thats probably because at any given time I have so many things on my mind I can't really focus on any one thing for too long. Sadness. Loneliness. Insanity. Etc. (I've been dreaming frequently too. Dreamt about my father and my Grandma Mary today/yesterday) I find myself laughing alot to myself these days so that is a good thing. Just laughing at some funny scenarios that play out in my mind or some of life's ironies. I know I have said this before but life is so much easier to navigate thru when you have a thing or things to look forward too. Sometimes I do feel I might be trying to do too much but what can you do right? I did shoot another episode of Nerds With Badges last weekend. It didn't go quite the way I expected but it did get done. First off my cop guest canceled literally at the last minute. He left a text saying his daughter got Covid so he had to take her to the emergency room. I'm not entirely certain I believe him. It is what it is. Just the timing of it all seems suspect you know?

So without a guest and against my better judgement I decided to go ahead and film anyway. $600.00 for a professional crew. I got the space for free and my "co-host" Elijah agreed to give me a freebie session since he'd ghosted me and Sir Nathan of Lovecraftonia. Turned out I should have gone with my instinct and pushed everything back until I had a guest because even though we had some good dialogue Elijah and I ended up having a falling out due to a really weird misunderstanding that just came out of nowhere. He came in a few minutes late even though I specifically asked him to be on time since the owner of the space was sweating me about the strict two hour limit he was giving me. That was because he was unable to completely give an edit of the episode I paid him $450.00 to shoot months ago. Some software issue made half the episode mute. So as Elijah came in I was talking to the crew and said after someone said Elijah was coming we need to be sure it was indeed him and not a fembot (a reference to men or women robots that fought the Six Million Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman on both their respective tv shows) Elijah actually got offended and later basically exploded on me as we were getting ready to start filming when I mentioned the part in As Good As It Gets when due dropped the guys dog down the trash shute. Elijah was like "Would  you think it was funny if I said the part where the gay guy got beat up was funny?" Then when I was like where did that come from? He went on to say I didn't really know him and that he was ghetto or something and there are gonna be some things we need to be clear on or something to that effect. I was baffled and justifiably offended as well as weirder out he was pulling a stunt like this in front of other business professionals. Really honestly I was confused as hell.  

When all was said and done with the shoot we all went our separate ways as usual and I stuck around with the crew to take some photos on the rooftop until my uber arrived. But...as time went on and everything hit me I realized dude had came for me during that shoot and that feeling of "uncomfortableness" that had blindsided me wasn't something I could just let go. After having some time to think about it I sent homeboy a text telling him because of what was said to me I'd decided to go solo with my show from now on. He tried to call and sent me back a text saying he apologized for offending me but I have said some things that have offended him. So I need to be held accountable as well. He urged me to listen to a voicemail which I did. He also said he hoped we could talk. He mentioned being sick that day and still managing to come to do the show. He said some crap  to me about how him being a heterosexual man I need to basically not cross certain lines or something like that and really as I thought more about the whole thing it dawned on me that he has definitely said plenty of stuff that could be considered offensive. I think I even have some on camera and often have to remind him to be careful what he says on camera. Even Sir Nathan of Cronus has said some things Elijah says concern him. Especially since they are both in the industry but anyway it seems Elijah got the wrong impression about the fembot comment and I sent him a video youtube clip from TSMDM and TBW showing them fighting fembots. In hindsight I recall some gay folks like to use the term fembot and thats probably why Elijah reacted thinking it the equivalent of saying "girl" like some gay folks call each other. Maybe he thought I was calling him a diva? Anyway I am probably gonna be mad for awhile because the whole thing was just stupid. He said some things also about me being mad cool and how he hopes this doesn't create bad blood but honestly part of me wonders if such a small thing could make him trip well... Also what kinds of experiences do other productions have with this guy? We don't really know each other and some heterosexual people can be weird with the whole gay thing even if initially they can seem accepting. I just need to be careful about the types of individuals I allow in my life and to listen more to my instincts as something was strongly saying to cancel THAT Sunday. My instincts are also a bit concerned about my planned trip to Disney THIS coming Sunday (Christmas) come to think of it. I was hoping to go with a cool guy from work but he's scared of Covid and I'm not sure I wanna go it alone you know? Guess I need to make a decision regarding that soon. (Sigh)

And in other news... 

One of my favorite celebrities died this week via suicide. Twitch was one of the sexiest black men I have ever seen and I have been a fan for years because I used to watch "So You Think You Can Dance" almost religiously at one point on Hulu. That was something I would always do in the morning when I came home from work waaay back when Captain Liberia was staying with yes. Mental health is starting to get alot of airtime as of late but I can't help but get angry everytime dwell on how much money the nation spends on war and other things instead of doing something to help those of us that struggle with mental illnesses. I mean with some of us its depression. Some people are bipolar. Then theres schitzophrenia...shit like that. My thing is really just severe social anxiety and social awkwardness. Sometimes its some depression but nothing so severe I would wanna try and check out you know. Sometimes I think I could help others deal with these things but I'm not really sure about that. I mean to say I doubt anyone is gonna wanna listen to me. Life can be REALLY tough at times and it can be a damn nightmare if you're out here without support,outlets of expression and being able to look at how others have been able to keep on going. Of course it goes without saying that some days are better than others. Speaking of Captain Liberia he called me and sent me some FB messages. I just told him in texts I have been so occupied with life yet that is only partially true. The other reason I've not called him is because I have being working on weaning myself from people who I have probably outgrown. Well you know how that goes. So I might call him on his birthday. I might. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 80

 I am sitting here (at work) listening to chill reggae music and this other person just sat down and literally started playing music loud on her phone and its weird to me people will do stuff like that. Almost as if trying to disrupt my energy instead of just putting on headphones. Is she trying to get a reaction? I guess thats almost as weird as people deciding to call in sick the day after I do it. Lol. Then there are the people who keep walking up and trying to pull the door open while I am sitting here at the desk. Just random folks off the street. They often seem determined to pull the door open and enter. There was a time when these doors weren't even locking here! Just what exactly were they expecting to happen if they did manage to come inside??? My life is populated with interesting characters I tell you. Not saying they are all bad people but I guess I will never cease being perplexed by some human behavior. Yes I am sure its safe to say some folks call me a character too... So moving along...

Anyways...I went on a sort of date yesterday (Mon) with someone I met at work and it was pretty cool. Since he's very private I have to respect his wishes and not reveal his identity. This particular person is someone I usually see when I am leaving in the morning and they are usually masked up and wearing a hat with a hoodie and to be honest the first time I actually got a good look at his face was the night we chatted via the whatsapp video app via my phone. Dude shocked me because he is absolutely gorgeous. I know its funny because it was almost like going on a blind date. We went to the Grove and had lunch at Cheesecake factory. The conversation was cool and there was some flirting going on. But to me its kinda weird being out with someone and feeling so...low key. Like dude didn't want me to post any photos of him so we couldn't take any picture together that I could share. Theres potential for a good friendship I think. Possibly. I'm not really feeling a strong need to be romantically linked with anyone at this stage in my life. We did also dream about each other. I dreamt he was putting a hickey on my neck and dude said he dreamt of making love to me. Its unusual for me to dream about people especially people who I have not known for awhile but it is especially interesting that someone into me that I am into dreamt of me like the same day I did about him. We are slated to go to an amusement park for the holiday. Considering I am still in town of course because I do still want to go see my Dad before the year ids out. We'll see how things go. At lunch I ordered grilled salmon and he got some crusted salmon. He was quick to mask up after we ate. He forgot his hat and had to go back to look for it with success. Yes I was tempted to invite him back to my place but you know I gotta do some serious cleaning up before that can happen. Although he did offer to help me move some furniture around at a later date. Dude has an interesting background in that like Captain Liberia he is a transplant from overseas. I have felt for the longest I will end up with a guy from another country. We'll see I guess.

Comic Con LA came and went like a blur. I was able to go and took plenty of photos/videos for social media and Nerds With Badges. Went over my spending budget too but we are not gonna get into that. There was a Black Comic Con type event I missed this weekend. Shot a new NWB video just a few hours ago and will be doing an episode with a guest this weekend that I gotta prepare for. Next year I want to do an episode of New york Comic Con. That is gonna be quite the event. I should have plenty of stuff to promote also because the fruits of my creative labors are about to yield a bountiful harvest...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 79

Listening to the "Loose Ends" R&B station on Pandora. 

The last few weeks have been interesting to say the least. First off I wanted to make an effort not to come here all the time when there was bad news or I was upset about something. I dunno. It seems thats how it is most of the time so I waited until I felt a bit more balanced. Been dreaming alot lately too. Not that i'm complaining. The last dream however was much like an action suspense horror thingie. I was in a gas station and it was being held up. The whole thing played out all the way to the end with the main antagonist getting shot in the groin by a sheriff who responded to calls for help from a young boy who was being attacked. I kid you not. This was one of the most realistic dreams I have ever had. I wish i could wake up and the last two years were all a horror suspense thriller. Anyway I am in the process of editing the botched Nerds With Badges episode fragments. I think I can piece together something serviceable but the files are sooo big and since they have done something to the internet here (due to the kids hacking shit and almost getting the center sued) its taking forever. as it is I can't get online to play Mario Kart matches online and Vampire The Masquerade Bloodhunt refuses to even load the title screen. So there is no way to play offline apparently without an internet connection. I suspect some sort of firewall has been put up now. This happened right when I came back from my Halloween Florida trip to see Mommy and them.

I didn't do anything over the Thanksgiving holiday. Just rested and played games. Watched movies. Some folks wanted to hang out but I wasn't really in the mood. Seems I barely have time for myself. Real time to just relax and enjoy the fruits of my labor. You know? Captain Liberia called but I have not bothered to respond. Theres this weird instinct that keeps telling me to stay away. Telling me not to waste anymore time on a raggamuffin who really ain't as into me as he'd have me believe at times. Its like he will let time go by and before it gets too long he will return to sink his hooks back in my brain matter. Thats what it feels like. Its like that song by the Supremes. You don't really love me you just keep me hanging on. I am working hard to get bro out of my system and this other guy from work seems into me but he's not really my type. I maybe could give him a friendship but I need to be tactful in letting him know I can't go there. I did say I was taking a break from dating and it just feels right right now. 

I did buy a few things for Black Friday. Got some crazy deals on a few games. Actually got up off my butt and went down to Gamestop to get the new Digimon game which was mad cheap for Black Friday. I actually did all my laundry and cleaned up a bit in my place. Its starting to look...well its starting to look almost like a place I would have someone stop thru for a visit. Almost. That old depression can really do a number on you. I think its safe to say I have bounced back from a very dark place. When you have enough time to yourself I think the mind can get a chance to heal itself from all the BS. BS from other people mostly I think. Speaking of BS I had a sparkling water stolen from the fridge at work just before we went on our four day break. I have two suspects really. I can't prove anything of course because people are sneaky as hell but mostly I am inclined to think it was a certain security guard I work with on certain days. I saw this person go in the kitchen and heard them rambling around in the fridge. When I asked them if they saw my drink they denied it but...whatever. The other suspect might be a person who was mad at me because I said something when they jumped up to go thru pastries left for the security dept after a guard said they were for us in front of them. I was like those are for the security guards. They were PISSED because they brought it up alot after and acted incredibly offended but I was like what do you think would happen if someone brought out food for your dept and I ran over like "OOOH let me see! Mine MINE MINE! SHARE!" So like I said two suspects. Was I wrong to check said individual? Whatever the case the end result is I know not to trust any of these bozos around here. Stealing from your co-workers or trying to be petty creates an unsafe environment especially when it can pit folks against each other. I keep expecting people to be noble and just I swear.

Irene Cara died over the holiday. She was a phenomenal artist and contributed greatly to my early teen years. She was only 63. Lady had/has an amazing voice. Very distinctive style too. Like a Mariah and Chante mix only without all those crazy high notes. Flashdance and Fame are two things I can't even imagine having grown up without.

Comic Con is this weekend. I might go with Sir Nathan of Palisades. (I always change Nathan's name to "Sir Nathan" of something. Its a running joke between us I suppose) I was considering doing another Nerds episode this weekend and somehow incorporating a Comic Con trek into it. Might have to film it myself though. No need to pay someone a small fortune to do something you can do yourself right? Its funny that more and more I am learning some of the things I have hired others to do for me I definitely could have done waaay better. It just takes time and practice...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 78

 Everywhere I have ever worked there is always at least one person who plays the role of arch nemesis for me. I guess every good superhero needs some good villains and my story definitely has more than a few. Honestly you can just mind your business, stay to yourself and people will still come for you. I have a situation at work with a maintenance supervisor who reported me to my bosses because he saw my computer that I leave at a table up in a room on the second floor. He claims my computer equipment makes it problematic for his workers to clean the area. Now I myself actually clean the area everyday before I use it because folks leave ood in the room often and the table is usuallly covered with grimey sticky finger prints and I don't wanna put my stuff on it because only God knows where the hands of those prints have been. I swear some folks are just so NASTY but anyway I'm wondering if this is something personal. Of course even if it is I can't prove anything and I really hope this isn't a racial thing. Dude seemed kinda okay even though I gotta admit I did get a weird vibe from him from the get go. Ever since I asked him if he had to wait long to get inside the parking gate (since another maintenance worker told me he asked her if she had to wait at times to get in the parking gate). I try tolet people understand our situation with the gate. Sometimes we have to leave the desk. Sometimes we have to use the restroom. Sometimes it might take a minute for us to see a person is waiting out of all the other monitors on that screen we look at. It would make more sense if folks could simply buzz themselves in via a card instead of just sitting there waiting for us to see them or calling us. Much of the time folks have tinted windows and they do just sit there waiting instead of calling and it can be a big risk letting folks in when we don't even know who it is. Some of the kids that live here are free to come and go as they please and we don't even know who they are when they sit there with the windows down. I had issues with another maintenance supervisor who took photos of my roku I used to have hooked up in the other building so I could listen to music and for people to watch movies on breaks. It just seems crazy that sometimes people will go out of their way to be assholes or power trip over small things overlooking the fact (we) security are constantly being put in potentially dangerous situations and are having to deal with so many other issues... I come to work and try to do my job to the best of my ability. So now YOU wanna come for the very thing that helps keep me centered in this place so yeah of course its gonna feel personal. I try my best to avoid certain types of people because they are trouble but every now and then I stumble into weirdos, people with hidden agendas or certain character defects that would under close scrutiny certify them as bullies. Then there's the occasional person with mental issues and I realize I can't exactly blame them for what they do just as I can't be all mad at a potential druggie or alcoholic since chemicals are running the show. But its frustrating as hell when you deal with someone who is evil yet sneaky enough to hide it and get away scott free most of the time because of circumstance or positions of power. I don't wanna make this about race but it has become abundantly clear due to secretly recorded conversations not all people of color are in unity. Its not always easy to identify racism but I wonder. I guess at this point I need to have a talk with my bosses about this situation because I just don't need anymore BS in my life right now. Especially since my creative energies regarding writing and filmmaking have experienced a recent re-surge. What I'm trying to say is that I have been feeling alot of inspiration lately. Been dreaming more too so this usually is indicative of renewed creativity. I can put that into my work so distractions need to go. It is my intent to work here a few more months and then just take a break from the 9-5 while putting more focus on creative outlets. Security has been good to me and I thank God for being able to put food on my table yet its needless to say there comes a time when you really need to move on in order to grow and that day is...well I can feel its very near. Tired of being in these environments and situations that threaten to tear me down and the weight of stress and toxicity along with having to deal with difficult folks drain so much from me there isn't nearly enough left for me to put into other things. Its just something that needs further thought. I think I'm just tired of eating BS and its taking a toll on me spiritually. Just add me to the long list of Americans who need to take a VERY long vacation.

On a side note someone who has hinted they'd like to take in a movie (Black Panther) gave me his phone number. So at least today wasn't a complete bummer. Of course I have to remember I have said I wasn't gonna be putting any energy into dating because I don't feel ready for it. I don't even like going to the movies with other people. Perhaps I'm putting too much thought into this? (Shrugs shoulders and shuts down laptop)

Confessions of a sad superhero book 77

Thank the gods that the weekend is here! I am sitting here at work waiting for a download off Youtube. I just uploaded (took ALL NIGHT) the new episode of Nerds With Badges after getting the edit from Thurgood the cinematographer who shot everything. So what I'm doing now is getting the lesser quality version off YouTube so I can upload to other places and it won't take forever and a day as larger files would certainly take on my slow ass internet at home. I might try to film another episode this upcoming week. I mean...I have a few ideas. Maybe go with a guest to one of the Halloween themed amusement parks or drive around talking about things. I was gonna rent a room at my job like before but getting everyone scheduled for the shoot was so much of an issue. Oh speaking of my job the other day a guard just went on his break (before my shift) and never came back. The next day his girlfriend came to drop off the walkie and keys but we never got the cell phone back (for detexes) or his ID card which was pretty damn alarming. Some higher ups came in that night because folks were concerned. I remember when I worked for Guardsmark if a guard lost keys it was a major issue because they would have to re-key all the doors you know? Call me paranoid but all kinds of thoughts went thru my mind. Maybe there is a good explanation for what dude did but it could be a security threat someone having access to the building and who's to say a person couldn't take keys home and make copies? Sure most of us here have probably accidentally taken keys home and returned them but this whole situation has me uneasy. Just saying.

I will be on vacation for a few days coming up and have not really decided what I'm gonna do. I was gonna go see "The Captain" but I don't really wanna go somewhere where I have to make sure I get up and am about when everyone else is plus I need a bit of privacy so my mind can get clear from the spiritual clutter you know? Of course I could use this time to work on something. I always think about reading years ago how Nelly said he and his buds locked themselves up in the house and brainstormed until they came up with the foundation to his empire. Working all the time and running back and forth trying to survive I just feel its hard to even focus on anything else. This is probably why so many people feel trapped in their jobs or situations. I think having kids makes it worse because I can see how folks who have kids really don't have much of a life (at least for around 18-21 years) I honestly think its time I focused hard on that one thing instead of so many and just build so everything won't feel so overwhelming at times. I decided the other day to cut all my streaming services because it was too crazy trying to keep up with all the shows and movies. Goodbye, Netflix. Goodbye Hulu and Disney+. The only thing I kept was Amazon because they give me movies and shows. I get the shipping and friendly service and the music service is great because at work I can download stuff for patrol playlists. Its time to narrow focus in my life. 

Well I am about to get up out of here. Might go see Black Adam if I have the energy. Heard it was okay but all showcase with little substance. Mostly its been spoiled who shows up as a cameo also yet Ima go check it out anyway because I've waitied too long for this film. Just like i have waited soooo long for Bayonetta on the Nintendo Switch. This game has been in production for like 5 years. I was wondering if it was ever coming out and then just the other day there was some controversy as the main voice actress said she wasn't paid properly for her work. Folks were taking up her call for a boycott until more info leaked out she may have withheld some story elements. All I can say is that its not always an easy thing to separate the art from the artist...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 76

 The woman who was deleted by the illuminati and other strange stories.

Last week a lady who works here went to Mickey D's and I asked her to bring me back some food. I repaid her with Zelle then earlier tonight when I tried to pay her for getting me more grub her contact info was just gone. I mean like vanished. Thats why I jokingly told her the illuminati probably deleted her. I was joking but sometimes I wonder. Well mostly I wonder if I have been hacked or something because of some strange stuff going on with all my electronic devices lately. Call me paranoid. You know what they say...just because he's paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get him. I'm just mindful of possibilities but I try not to dwell too much on it. Why? Well because I have to pay my bills. I have to make my films. I have to make use of precious time and in the end it doesn't really matter who is or who isn't watching  watching. People have always watched me. Like a damn rainbow is gonna shoot out my ass or something. But that hasn't happened so far. Not that I'm aware of. What else can I say? 

I had a couple of interesting dreams lately. The other day I dreamt me and an old friend were hanging out and he was throwing darts around. One went into someones window. Then yesterday I dreamt about a certain ex-co-worker. It was someone I liked but that became a nightmare rejection of epic proportions that almost cost me my job. Even to this day the spectre of that event haunts me. I try not to think on it and as time passes it gets easier. Even though there are people who seem to go out of their way to remind me what happened by their icy behavior towards me. Still I suspect they may have heard a one-sided event of what happened but in reality it was me being stupid and being attracted to someone who could never actually see me that way. I got in my feelings and I won't beat myself up for that mistake but I will say it was one of many stumbles that made me come to accept whenever I try to love someone it leads to disaster and there's nothing wrong with just deciding relationships are not for you even if society tries to tell you otherwise. I suspect I have become somewhat numb to these things and the more I look around at whats going on the world I realize more and more folks are thinking the same thing I am. Either we have given up or we are evolving? Maybe I've always been asexual. But for now it appears thats what I have become. Emotionally there is no more money left for me to invest in pursuing anyone. So why the hell is "he" showing up in my dreams when I am doing so good in forgetting that dark period of my life. I guess I should not say forgetting. I am recovering then. Thats what I'm doing and every day its gettingbetter. In the dream we went to a KUSC fundraising concert. I suppose thats because I had the radio on and KUSC crept into my mind since they have been doing this drive for the station. 

Damn my coffee is cold. 

I really didn't wanna get into this Kanye mess but dude is really pissing alot of folks off by things he's saying and now the family of George Floyd is coming for him. They are supposedly gonna sue him for 250 mill. I think Kanye sometimes says things that make sense but he has no filters at all. Also he lacks tact. No matter how brilliant he is as an artist I think he needs to take a chill pill for awhile and get back to focusing on his craft. Maybe he's run out of creative energy and thats why he's basically in my eyes derailing his career because his mind is deconstructing. Perhaps this is a danger to any of us artsy folk who lose our ability to channel for whatever reason. Maybe it was his failed marriage and the death of his moms which led to all this. Just my observation. 

Theres a really big Nintendo game coming out soon. Its been in production for years and is the third act for a successful franchise. The lead voice actress was let go after two games and is now asking for a boycott of the third game since she was denied proper wages and replaced by a new person she basically dissed on social media. Now I'd pre-ordered the game since I am familiar with the work of the company yet I can't bring myself to cancel since as others have been saying....there are more than just two sides to a story. Her version. The company and then what the truth is. If she is telling the truth I will take up her offer to donate to charity. Gonna have to see how the drama unfolds.

The sixth episode of Nerds With Badges was completed and the edit is being worked on right now. Hopefully today I can get a copy. As it is I will be off work next shift since I gotta go to the dentist later. I'm gonna try to see if the editor can meet me somewhere and dump the files onto a hard drive. He said its a big file so knowing my internet it will take forever and a day to upload. (That is assuming I won't ask for any changes to be made after reviewing) I'd like to shoot another episode for Halloween and am seeking to rent out another space at my job since it appears I have two guests ready to film. One is a cool LYFT driver who is an ex-marine. The other is a cool dude who has already appeared in two episodes. This time around instead of spending a small fortune to hire a film crew I am just gonna arrive early on the set and set up my own tri-pod and equipmet. Might need to think on getting some mics for sound though. As far as editing goes I might bring on someone else to do that because I don't wanna mess it up. I am running from this but eventually i need to learn how to edit my own shit... 

The comic projects have kinda stalled because I think my mind sorta crashed or maybe it needed a refresh. Recently I saw someone said that you can overwhelm yourself if you have too much going on. There are moments that I wish I could slow time down or moments I wish I had more time to really do the things I wanna. Trips I wanna take. Games I wanna play. Comics I wanna read. Could be that I'm more balanced than I give myself credit for. I still gotta make time to clean up my place the way I want and I need to get in a session with my shrink because there are some things I need to unload. Got some vacation coming up next week so maybe today I will jot down a real schedule so my life will feel like it has some real structure instead of a bunch of random events going on all at the same time. Organization! I do still want to get back to filming on my webseries but for now the priority has got to be finishing my comics before this year is out so I can put my material on sale because yeah its getting near the time to leave this job...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 75

 I just creeped out to the store (711) for some coffee and encountered some drama. There was a dude who kept coming behind the store counter and trying to stab this other guy with a screw driver. Now I had gone earlier and they were closed but I needed to go back because I wanted some quarters to do my laundry but man...was that intense. I walked in and had no idea I had just entered a warzone...

-To be continued-

Update:

So while maintenance was cleaning the lobby I thought I would quickly dip out to the 711 so I could get some quarters for my laundry and maybe a cup of java. As I approached the store i could hear loud thumping bass of music coming from a car in the parking lot and I thought "Here we go. Did they just see me and turn that up?" Because folks sometimes do that when they see a black guy. Maybe they do it to black women too? Anyway as I entered the store I could hear some comotion going on and people were gathered at the counter. Also people were staring at me which is something folks usually do so I just quickly headed to the back to get some energy drinks so I could escape the eyes. Someone was obviously arguing and I noticed it was getting louder while I grabbed my two Rockstar drinks and went to get a cappuchino but the damn machine was out of order...again. I decided to get some coffee instead and as I made my way to the coffee machine I could see one light skinned brother who was looking kinda wild yelling at someone behind the counter. "Nigga this and Nigga that!" Seemed to be trying to get at someone behind the counter and they were both exchanging words back and forth. The dude at the checkout was VERY aggressive and angry. The guy behind the counter would always seem to say something to piss the angry guy off everytime he appeared about to calm down. Eventually the angry bro went behind the counter. He had something in his hand and it turned out to be a screw driver. I guess he was slashing the other guy as security was not really able to do anything to stop him. At first I thought he was trading blows with the other guy who kept saying stuff like "Man you REALLY wanna KILL me??!?!" Like he was incredulous to it all. I was feeling like I was in the twilight zone as I stood there watching everything happen. It was too risky to try and film what was going on but I kept dreading if dude had a fucking gun. He walked past me a few times but didn't really make eye contact and I didn't exactly look away either in those moments. As it were I couldn't really go to the counter to pay for my shit because of everything going on. Just had to wait until all the drama subsided. Angry dude (who looked kinda like dude I saw in a Youtube video earlier who pushed a guy onto train tracks in NY) kept telling the other guy he was gonna be waiting outside for him. I could see the guy who was behind the counter was bloody and he even said at one point he was bleeding. When the angry guy finally went outside somewhat reluctantly I went over to pay for my stuff. The security guy looked frazzled and I was waited on by this cool dude who once gave me some banana sodas. ANother clerk stood looking a bit bemused/amused as I asked if I could get some quarters whilst paying for my stuff and saying "Oh my God" as my heart beat like crazy. The clerk said "How are you doing Sergio?" I hadn't seen him in months and actually was told he'd quit I think. I told him he was a life saver for giving me those quarters because usually they never wanna give up quarters because we are having a stupid shortage of them for whatever reason (Why would a pandemic create a coin shortage?) After I got my quarters I jetted out of there hoping I hadn't been gone long enough that it would get me in trouble. I told the maintenance and other guard what happened when I got back to work and a few minutes later sirens sounded as the police arrived at the 711. I have no idea what happened after but I did think I saw someone running from the area around that time the sirens went off.  

Confessions of a sad superhero book 74

 The Evil That People Do...

Some guy in thailand went off on a bunch of folks in a school. He killed like 20 kids then went home, killed his wife and child then shot himself in the head. He survived.

Some politicians of the Hispanic persuasion recently got in trouble for getting caught on tape saying some decidedly un-American things about black folks and Jewish folks. Can't we all just get along?

Some folks have been going around stabbing people in NY and folks will just walk up on people then sucker punch them for no reason.

Apparently its now in fashion (with facility residents and their "friends") outside my job on the streets here to get together and fight with crowds of other people either observing or "helping out".

I posted a poster for a cool show that I like on Netflix on my IG and a security guard who used to seem cool trolled me with a comment "Thats the worst show I have ever seen in my life" I responded that it seems mean spirited to come on a persons post and say something negative when clearly they like the topic and he removed his comment. The other day when I asked him if he would like to be on my show I got a nasty response "I'm not really interested man" I blocked him and unfollowed dude on FB because folks be trippin and I ain't got the time for it. 

A few times here at work folks piss on the property outside. They act incredulous when asked not to do it. Then theres the girl who walked past me tonight gazing at me out the corner of her eyes saying "Say something bitch. Say something" over and over as she walked by. I came down hard on myself for not saying anything but i think at the time I was too shocked that that was actually happening to me. Another security guard told me she was practically naked outside one night and that if she had to share a room with her she would be scared to sleep cuz this chick be talkin to herself. (I swear that sometimes I really do think some folks have demons inside them. Fuck a mental illness. Thats not always the "why" I'm convinced)

A guy at my job refuses to speak to me. This has been going on for a long time and my instincts tell me I need to be careful because I have observed some folks who have frequent contact with him have started to behave strangely towards me when they were initially friendly. Its not my business what other people think about me but it says something about someone who sits, watches, plots pointing out your imperfections. I'm just saying that shit takes alot of energy. It does catch up with you when you put out negative energy and do stupid shit. Ask me how I know. I guess we are all stupid at some point in our lives before we evolve. Well some of us evolve. If my grandmother was here she would say "Leave it in the Lords hands and pray for him" So I will.

Somebody was using my debit card for a dating service so I was forced to change my card number. That shit caused me a gang of frustration let me tell you. But at least whoever was hacking my Youtube has stopped. For the moment anyway. 

Sometimes when I think of bad things that have happened to me...bad things others have done to me I think about this guy in NY (I'll just call him "Randy") He hacked up phlegm in my hat and handed it back to me. He made it his business to extra bully me for standing up to him when he picked on another kid. I recall being kicked by this guy named...I actually think I forgot his name. Lol. But "Ronny" picked on me and pushed me down some stairs. I fought back and we both got so tired we walked out of the school together spent. He later told me a relative told him to be my friend which is what I kept yelling while he was pummeling me. I remember getting smacked in the head repeatedly by this big boned chick named "Everly". I remember fighting one bully Black Frank and a Puerto Rican Frank came to my rescue by kicking Franks ass. I have never forgotten that. 

I remember when I first came to LA and was staying in a shelter someone went in my suitcase and took a bunch of my stuff. Back in 2018 a dude who was later caught stole nearly everything I'd brought with me on a trip to what used to be my favorite getaway. The authorities gave me a $250.00 check but I've not been back to Detroit since. 

Somebody took my computer charger from my job one day when I left it upstairs on a table.

Somebody took one of my favorite mugs I left in the microwave at work. It was a mug I'd bought at the Disney Store in Times Square back in the early 2000's. 

I called the alarm company here at work one night and they put me on hold for a Loooong time. I hung up and called back and got connected instantly and wondered had the operator put me on hold for a long time because I told her I was calling from the LGBT center?

I have been having trouble unlocking my door for awhile now and am convinced its because someone tried to get into my apartment. Or maybe they succeeded and that might be why my neighbors are always watching me come and go and constantly checking on their apartment at all times during the night. Maybe they saw something???

Kanye why did you wear that shirt? I mean come on man. I love you but what's your agenda? What are you thinking? How do you REALLY feel about race relations? And finally...are you OKAY?

Two guys tried to rob me in NY when I was a we lad and the police promptly arrived. The cops put me in the car and we drove a few blocks before they caught up to the guys.

When did rapping become such a dangerous profession? Oh I forgot working in the music profession has been a dangerous profession for Black folks for awhile now. Why is that though? Can somebody explain that to me? All that money and power but ya'll don't really know how to use it plus where are our leaders to show us the way? Bought and sold? Or they don't give a damn. We need us some more Malcolm X's and Martin Luther Kings up in this bitch.

A man took a swing at me one night while trying to force his way into the other building I used to work in for the center. He hit me in the chest and my foot shot out instinctively to kick him down the front steps of the door. 

One nasty trashy resident told me one night when I held the door open that they didn't have to say thank you to me for "doing my job" So holding the door open for someone is my job? Since when? 

Alot of black and brown folks are behind bars. Alot of us have bad dealings with cops and folks get all riled up. They wanna "defund the police" but if theres no cops whos' gonna protect the citizens? Why don't we as a community more actively police our own neighborhoods? When you do or say nothing its almost like saying "its okay the way things are" but its clearly not if we can't even walk to the store in safety in our own neighborhoods. Theres always money for wars and to send to other countries. Theres always money for your gazillion dollar bank accounts while your fellow human beings are starving or need medicine or whatever else but you can't be bothered right because its not your problem right? I know some animals are scary and nature makes some folks uncomfortable but these things are important and this is something we need to think more about. Stop turning a blind eye because guess what? We all have an obligation to walk the walk. Be about that life. 

I remember being scared to go to school. I hated going there and I skipped classes ALOT. I was...am different and was made to suffer because of it. As mean and crazy as some of these folks in my communities are to me (and some are downright horrible) I can't let myself forget so much of the time hurt people hurt people. They do. We do. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 73

 Soundtrack for this entry...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuPLfRSkKo0

So after some setbacks, I am set to start filming on my first real big budget version of Nerds With Badges next week. I imagine I'll do some movie reviews and talk about some Marvel/DC stuff and discuss things going on in the gaming world. Of course ima talk about my new Steam Deck console (which is really a gaming PC shrunk down into a portable console form factor) Had to sign some paperwork for my camera folks and booked the location a few days ago. Only just the other day I found my camera crew via Craigslist. The owner is newly relocated here from ATL with his own studio and everything. When we talked on the phone and vibed is was refreshing connecting with a fellow nerd. Blerd I mean. I would much rather after all work with someone on the same page as me. He has passion for comics,games and anime plus we share the same opinions on wanting to see more black folks involved in comics, videogame production as well as big budget action movies and less with the slavery movies (although it is nice seeing all those hot brothas in these types of films and prison/gangsta flicks. Yeah I said THAT) Not gonna lie....its pricey but its high time I started putting my money where my mouth is in regards to my film projects. Its just that you tend to get a better reception when you put out a high-quality project. In other words folks tend to take you more seriously when they see clearly that you aint playin when you put out that shit that pops.  This would be a good platform to promote my other projects as well. My co-host is an acto who has worked with me before. Dude has done security also. I have my "Nerds With Badges" t-shirts too so we'll definitely be wearing them on the day of the shoot. 

-To be continued-

Confessions of a sad superhero book 72

 Brain bruises, bad luck and bullies...

Its been a strange two weeks for me. I had these sores in my mouth that took forever to go away. I think yesterday was the first real day I could eat without feeling like I was eating glass. Not sure what triggered it. Stress. An allergic reaction to something. I am pretty careful now about drinking water at my job from the dispenser machines by popping it in the microwave for 30 sec even if its already hot. The fact someone somehow got ahold of my debit card number and racked up some charges caused me grief since last week and I just got a replacement card yesterday. Then on top of that I still haven't gotten my Steam Deck console because the Fed Ex driver couldn't get in my building. I missed him three days in a row because somehoe he has a different phone number on file for me than the actual Fed Ex HQs who texted me to let me know I missed my order. The package is being held at some Fed Ex way out in Bell which is at least an hour and a half by public trans from where I live. I used to live in Bell way back when I was at the shelter over there so I know how inconvenient that journey is. Also Google canceled Stadia which was a game streaming platform I was supporting. But at least they are gonna refund everyone. I guess in a few weeks (or months) several hundred dollars will just pop up in my bank account. Meanwhile hurricanes are happening in Florida and I have been trying to get in touch with my family over there. On a side note the authorities seem to have caught those responsible for killing that rapper in Roscoes last week. It still blows my mind how easy it is for people to kill each other over basically anything these days. We are all out here struggling to make ends meet and to pay our bills then we gotta worry about fools running around ready to try and make us prey. I guess that is why so many folks walk around looking mad all the time. Gotta keep up that tough facade.I think I walk around looking some kind of way but its because I have so much going on in my head. 

Sometimes people make me feel some kind of way and I have to be careful. Like tonight while doing patrol I was having trouble with the elevator in the courtyard and I heard the sound of laughter behind me as a couple of youth seemed to have found amusement in my predicament. That pretty much sent me spiraling into a funk that only lifted when I watched a funny video on Instagram that Viola Davis posted. They say an idle mind is the devil's playground. Say you're tired. Stressed. Sleep deprived and maybe dealing with an ailment or bad situation and something happens that might otherwise bounce off your skin but in that one weak moment your mind snaps into a dark place. It hasn't escaped me that when I have clear focus I am usually able to roll with the punches. Earlier tonight I was triggered by that laughter. It put me in the same funk of being back in school as a kid being picked on and laughed at even though I can't say I am completely certain those people in the courtyard were actually laughing at me. I guess it has happened so much that my mind automatically goes there. Like a LYFT driver said to me the other night regarding how sometimes the LGBTQ community can go too far with things or cancel culture yet its because of having endured so much bullshit we can often be too paranoid or even unforgiving enough to turn against someone who said or did something we don't like nevermind the fact they have done so much for our community up till that one goof up. Yes this does regard people like JK Rowling and maybe even Whoopi Goldberg and Kevin Hart to name a few who paid the price for one little "slip up". 

Theres a cute new security guard here. Well he works for another company that helps us out because they are contracted. Some worry they are eventually replacing us but anyways I find myself looking at hot guys and then reminding myself that I am out of the game. It feels almost weird or beneath me sometimes thinking about wanting to be with someone. Even sexually it feels like something I can't really see myself doing anymore. Masturbation is just too damn tiresome and even though it can be spiritually cleansing...well like Barry White said "Too much of a good thing isn't good for anybody" But sex is something that feels like it was something that happened to me a lifetime ago. I think about it and it feels nasty. Am I good at it? I don't really think of myself as sexy. I don't even know what that feels like. Maybe I never did experience that sensation. What does it feel like to look at Sergio and think of him as sexy? Then when I look at some of these hot guys with their perfect bodies these a feeling of intimidation and I have to remind myself that they are flawed just as I am and some of them are children with mens bodies. I give folks too much power over me which means they can take it away. I am giving total strangers control over my life when I punish myself for now living up to their standards! I realize when I am around other folks so much of the time I feel myself feeling out of character. Like my behavior changes. I remember someone telling me years ago they quit a job because of how goofy their co-workers made them feel. You gotta be careful or you could end up letting people mold you into something. How many monsters in society...murderers or stone-cold psychos could have been so much more in life if their environment or garbage minded individuals hadn't played a factor in that mental development? It is true the little girl sits in the corner and learns to play by herself because the others don't understand her. But without a proper social interaction she could become a wild animal. Sometimes I think other people might look at me and see something like that yet I understand they are blinded by their own lack of compassion and the irony is I cannot hold their limited development/intelligence against them. If I do that then I am allowing myself to be infected with their madness/negative energy and it means I have learned nothing from my own humility. I guess thats why the gods gave us artist types outlets. Our super powers. Find a way to get that shit out of your system you MUST or DESTROY YOU IT WILL! (In my frantic Yoda voice)

Confessions of a sad superhero book 71

 I wanna know what power is

I wanna know what its like

to walk in a room

not feeling eyes on my

not knowing the things siad

hearing the whispers

feeling the not belongingness

I wanna know the respect

that comes with the power 

and the money 

and the fame

and maybe oneday 

when all the fighting is over 

all the hills jumped over

and my mind is right just maybe then 

I'll wanna know

wanna truly know

what this thing called love really is.

I wanna look in the mirror

not feeling body shame

not feeling tired 

when I am JUST waking up

weighed down with all the shit the world throws at me

people trying to kill me

with their eyes

thoughts

actions seen and unseen

trying to keep me 

trapped in the same barrel of despair they wallow in

and I really dont think they know of any other way of life

which is why their so good at hurting me

hurting others 

even while they are burning their own houses down

tainting generations to come 

with their hate 

their evil

their messed up thought patterns.

GOD knows

the gods know

spirits angels

demons

aliens from the earth

the water

outer space and beyond

you all know I have tried

wondering when if ever

are things gonna ever get easier.

I wanna know when that day is

that day when I will know what that power men dream of is coming to me.

I wanna know.

Is it today

was it yesterday 

and I passed right by it without knowing

is it tomorrow?

Was it tomorrow

in some alternate dimensions

Did I fail at the wanting in a past life 

so I am still chasing after you happiness?

I really gotta know Lord what this power is.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 70

 This morning when I got off work I noticed one prostitute being particularly aggressive about approaching cars. She actually tried to solicit one of the guards driving in. When I got off I called a Lyft and when I went out to the car this same person had walked over to the car trying to get some play. I really wish the center would do something about these people hanging out around here. 

Last week someone apparently got a hold of my credit card info and used it for a dating site. So now I am stuck waiting for the bank to send me another card. Also, the same mother fucker who has been hacking my Youtube account is at it again. Last weekend I logged into Youtube and saw someone was using my account to watch kid videos. I immediately deleted their history and bombarded them with creepy weird videos. Serial killers...horror stuff basically. They stopped but its likely not permanent. I don't get it. Why use my account to watch videos? Youtube is a free platform. 

On a more positive note I cancelled my Nerds With Badges filming for Monday because my t-shirts arrived late. I did however shoot a little video promoting them and just talking about some stuff going on in the game world. I was able to get in touch with a cinematographer so next month I'll be filming something on a more grander scale for my show. Probably have a guest or tow. Then I'll get back to filming on my webseries in Nov. Meanwhile work on my comics will be done pretty soon and after that it'll be full steam ahead on...A VIDEO GAME! 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 69

 Brother man

I am sorry.

So sorry.

We had a bad situation 

its been a year now

and you still won't look at me

won't talk to me

not like before 

and now

everytime I see you or when I'm in your presence

I feel like shit.

Like I'm nothing.

Less than nothing. 

I think in your eyes I have committed 

the ultimate sin

and theres nothing I can do to make things better.

God knows I've tried.

But You will always hate me and I need to find a way to make peace with that.

Were you ever my friend?

This is the big mystery and the truth is I likely won't ever know if 

the reason we stopped talking is real or all in my head.

All I have is speculations and memories of better days man.

Seems you have been busy spreading the word about me

and the way ya'll act sometimes 

you'd think I was the anti-christ or something.

Ima live my life man

no matter what you say or do

otherwise how empty of me

to be so full of you (right?)

Don't have time to waste on your BS.

I'm moving on

don't care what you do at this point.

I won't continue to live in this trap you have created 

The past is the past

and I have to grow

So

this ends today.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 68

 Sitting here at home and watching a documentary about Donny Hathaway. My head is full of stuff I need to get out so here I am taking advantage of this moment of clarity. I remember sometime ago when one of my supervisors threatened me with "clarity" when I questioned her about something. (I don't recall what) It does seem people put me in check or try to control me and its usually after the fact I realize what happened and then that resentment comes in. Younger people usually people not smarter than me having control over my life. Keeping me in my place. It can kinda erode your confidence and even your mental state if you're constantly in an environment like that. How many of us do truly recieve the right ammount of nurturing we need? Good question. Probably not most and then...well then you're just expected to eat it...be strong and just go about your life but just because you are sweeping the dirt under the rug don't make it disappear. 

I was off work the last few days. Had...have some sores in my mouth. Its been continous since labor day actually. Made eating seem like eating glass. Seems I'm stressed out and that may be the issue. Went to Kaiser and they gave me antibiotics. I have to go back tomorrow to pick up some special mouth rinse to ease the pain. Perhaps tomorrow I will get around to washing my laundry. Its something I dread because I have to basically waste time sitting guard in the laundry room to make sure none of my wack ass neighbors sneak into there to leave me a little "gift" in my clothes. Yeah its already happened a few times over the years. Somebody is going thru alot of trouble to make sure my brain stays traumatized from the events of the past. They can't move on so they won't let me. All of this started because I asked a little girl to stop throwing a bunch of paper outside in front of the building. Its only years later I realized that this was a special needs person but for over a decade the entire family has made it their business to come after me and...the shit is weird like my own personal horror movie that keeps gettign sequels even though theres no real need for them. I've learned to focus on my art. My life. What would I gain by ending up on the 6 oclock news for losing it and going off on a bunch of losers with nothing to lose? I know from my own personal experience you can't outrun karma forever. Oneday she catches up and if you've been particularly naughty...well it won't be pretty. Evil people are on borrowed time. Like Prince said "Parties aren't meant to last forever..."

So it does feel cool to be off work. For awhile anyway. My brain and spirit needed time for a refresh. Captain Liberia called the other day. His other daughter has moved out largely due to her being preggers. I'm shocked because she like his other daughter were brought over here from misery in Liberia and their father gave them so many opportunities. I guess its safe to say many people take things for granted or don't realize what they have until after the fact. I was a dumb kid at some point in my life and made some mistakes yet some of the things these kids are doing nowadays...yikes. My mother probably would have killed me or sent me away to a special school. Actually she did. So Captain Liberia called because he says I never do. Maybe I should try harder to care more and stop being mad at what I can't control. I can't be mad you don't love me the way I want you to but I can keep my distance so my feelings won't get hurt. 

So the madness of the world continues. (I really need to call my therapist) The Queen died. Abortion is mostly illegal. Theres a drought. (Thankfully fires are not so much happening now) A rapper got shot up in a Roscoes Chicken and waffles. Monkeypox is getting really serious out here and its hot here in LA. Its getting hot in other ways too. The crime is getting out of control to the point LA is getting a rep. Its like a joke now (like the homeless problem here) but shit is real. Don't wear jewelry out in public. Dress in sweats and carry maybe a card on you and a few bucks. Drive a low key car and if you are a celeb don't be here without your bodyguards. I was watching a video on youtube yesterday about some one who was vacationing and came home to find two homeless people had taken up residence in her apartment. Just the other night at work a man and a woman tried to enter the kitchen and senior area. Thankfully the kitchen door which was problematic just a week earlier had been fixed. We had a full on riot last week also and really the only peaceful night we had was Friday when it rained because the wackies stay away when its rainy or cold. So now we alre leaning towards us having to get monkeypox shots and you know I am so done with getting stuck with these new vaccines I know nothing about. Crazy folks are also getting mad about the little mermaid being played by a black actress. Yeah race and gender swapping is kinda tired at this point however I understand why companies do it. I mean its the elephant in the room. Would anyone give a damn about Super-mans straight son Jon? Would anybody give a rats ass about Miles Morales or Yara Flor if they were just "Zapp-sticky man" and "Goddess-halfling Latina with a bola"? I mean really. Come on now. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 67

 Had a very interesting dream today. In it I was on the road with my father like back in the old days when I would ride with him in his big truck when he did cross country delivery stuff. Seemed real. Of course. I hate that dreaded feeling of having to go to school after everything was over because of how miserable I was much of the time in school. Made me miss my dad though. I called him last week to get his mailing address so I could send him some things later. I'm embarrassed to say I forgot when his birthday is and I am reluctant to ask him. Silly I know. 

Reached out to one of the candidates for my next Nerds With Badges episode. He's a cop and big into chess, video games and...well Harry Potter. He's more excited about Hogwarts Legacy than I am. Said he's already pre-ordered. Lets just see if it actually releases on time this time around I say. Potters creator has been in hot water recently with the LGBT community in regards to trans-related statements. Now just like Whoopi Goldberg I don't think she genuinely meant any harm with her statements but we live in an age where people are super sensitive and can misrepresent who you are in a split second. Never mind the fact your entire life body of work cements the fact you are an ally. We are all walking on eggshells afraid to offend somebody and its gotten to the point you have to even be careful about telling jokes. I suppose its not always easy to put the art before the artist. But we have to otherwise...well you dig deep enough you're probably gonna find out something bad about somebody you like. Thats all I'm saying.

An ex-flame of mine wants to come into town in a few months so he reached out to me about what he should do when he gets here. Where to go. I thought it was something he reached out to me because romantically things with us were just awful. Not ALL awful but bad enough I can't go back there again since I have trouble believing things would be different. So yeah he's cute and I am still in like with him yet what should I do in this situation??? Oh yeah Captain Liberia seems to have finally ghosted me since I really don't call him. I do think about him but I just don't really find myself getting excited about somebody I don't think is being honest about certain things. Its none of my business if you have someone else but at least have the decency to tell me the truth... So now I realize why I am going thru that "I don't have "trust energy" for these guys out here right now. Its that and other stuff too. I'm working on my life right now and don't feel I can offer much until my foundation is stronger. There it is. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 66

 Sometimes it feels like I could be just that close to finding a way to stay zen and peaceful while continuing to mind my business but it appears I have a new enemy here at work that I need to watch out for. Last week someone told me that a new maintenance supervisor asked her if she had to wait long to get into the gate or if someone mentioned it to her. I had let dude in earlier so I asked him if he had to wait to get in that night because i recall letting him and another car in to the gate. He said no but then today my supervisor asked me if I could put my computer away because maintenance workers said it was expensive computer equipment that they cleaned around for fear of damaging something. So every night I come in early and to get a space to myself on the 2nd floor away from people while getting my self in the zone for work I hook up my gaming laptop and play some games while enjoying a cup of coffee. This is something I have been doing this since like last year I think and I figured it must have been someone new that brought this up and sure enough I find out dude took photos of my gaming set-up which he showed to my bosses and even though the other supervisor had no problem with me he wanted to make a big deal out of it so now everytime I use my laptop I have to shut it down and put it away supposedly to make life easier for maintenance workers who told me they have no issue with my laptop being up there on that table in the conference room which I myself clean every night before I use it. I never make a mess and if I do spill a few crumbs its always cleaned up by me. The trash might have a few cups in it but thats really all the traces left by me. I dunno. This whole thing just feels like a power play to me and in spite of the crazy night we had (there was a disturbing mob scene outside and we had to call the cops to break it up because folks were fighting in the street as we are strictly hands-off although it was said in the past after an incident last year we'd get some training in that regard) and other stuff we deal with here its strange the things some folks trip off of. Anyway I guess I may have to find somewhere else to go because of this guy because the management refuses to give security an office onsite. A place where we can go and have quiet time or take a nap on a break. There are literally glass walls everywhere except the restrooms. Whose idea was it to take away our privacy and why would somebody do that? Asking for a friend.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 65

 I'm here at work listening to Oleta Adams awe inspiring "Circle of One" album on Spotify. The songs always bring back memories because when I first came to Cali I was staying with my cousin Lin and she had this cd which I'd listen to often. Oleta has such a unique voice. Its interesting that so many of my musical heroes...are are heroines. Women...mostly black women imparting strength and wisdom thru the gift of song. I try to keep it balance really. I mean to say I've quite the assortment of musical teachers who are men but it does seem most of my musical teachers are women. Listening to Oleta's powerful voice and the rich arrangements makes me wish I could go back in time. I feel that I have wasted alot of time in my life. In this crazy world that is very much like a jungle. There are no lions tigers or bears trying to kill me but there are certainly plenty of people who have tried their best over the years. In this world one struggles tries to find some peace. We get moments of it and they never seem to last long enough. I spend so much time chasing my dreams...making sure my bills are paid while at the same time I'm trying my best to recover from all the events which have scarred my psyche. At times its heartbreaking seeing friends and older relatives wither away as I stay away working on myself telling myself....just alittle longer then I'll be okay enough to really have these healthy relationships then I think back to what Madonna said recently in a video she did "None of this is real" Was she talking about life in general or just Hollywood?

We are going into a three day weekend. Not sure what I'll end up doing. The plan is to do the laundry (which is something I have put off since its usually so time consuming. I have to sit in the laundry room to watch my clothes since my nutty neighbors have placed nasty things in the machines with my clothes) I need to do a serious clean up in my place. I've been packing things in storage boxes and was planning to pack more this weekend yet Amazon somehow screwed up my order of a new box. I use these big plastic see thru boxes. The plan is to eventually start putting these boxes into a storage unit. Probably before the year is out. Also I would love to go to an amusement park even if its gonna be full of muggles this weekend but I need to save my money and figure out what I'm gonna do with the Nerds With Badges video series. I did a quick video last month and like nobody watched it. I'm gonna up the quality and see if that helps to grab more viewers. The lady helping me with social media says more simple raw type videos are what folks like these days but I dont know. Could just be I'm not cool or popular enough. I guess its a good thing most of what I do isn't to gain popularity votes. I enjoy being creative and doing videos but it would be nice if these were things I could actually have an income from you know? As opposed to going to a workplace that is seemingly becoming more and more populated with "zombies" or folks who don't get or uplift me in any way. This place has felt like a second home for me for awhile now and I try to keep that feeling to make the most of the time I will need to stay till its time to go but it hasn't been getting any easier. I try to imagine working in a creative environment.  I even try to imagine working in a police type establishment. They have asked me here if I wanna be a supervisor but I declined. It's just that I've seen so many supervisors come and go. Thats hardly encouraging. Yeah it would give me more money but none of the supervisors here in any of the departments really seem happy. When I leave this job I don't wanna go into another one that won't make me happy. Truth be told I am of the mind I need to sit down and really figure how to work for myself. 

Which brings us to... A certain person from my past called me up out the blue yesterday. He used to work with me on my projects. Now he's looking towards working in real estate full time. Its weird that he called because I figured dude was out of my life. This is someone I considered a friend until he basically help derail my SonsofLegend series. He has ownership of some of my concepts and has ordered me to take down some of my videos off Youtube. Keep in mind this is all stuff I worked on pouring blood sweat and tears into over the years. See I was building something and had a plan for my own connected universe way before Marvel or DC started their own but now sometimes when I sit down to work on material I am reminded of what I was doing before and the fact people I loved and trusted took something in an attempt to create something "better". They say its important to forgive and move on but man sometimes when you get cut the cuts are so damn deep. I am learning that in Hollywood talent is abused often and treated as a commodity. Writers are taken advantage of. Directors are shut out of projects they started because the man wants to make something thats more marketable. Singers and actors are traumatized and cheapened to the point they lose morality and its like some evil angry force is just making folks lose their minds...certainly losing their ability to create anything hence all the constant remakes. Its a crazy cycle and as I grow to be more into this industry I wonder if I'm plowing ever so gradually into yet another jungle full of shark tooth individuals yearning to devour me. All this is to say I can understand why some folks up and leave Hollywood behind never to return. How then does one balance that tightrope walk? I wanna go into business for myself but I don't want to lose myself in the process. Geez. Am I gonna have to go to the mafia to get a loan for my films? I already bite my tongue to keep the peace in some aspects of my life and I find myself wondering if this is holding me back. They say listen more and say less. Maybe I am just not around the people who are saying what I want or need to hear. At times I think real estate dude feels bad about what happened. alot went down and all of us made mistakes but I don't think I can ever trust him again. Even if I did kinda have a crush on him I think a part of me is gonna be mad at him for quite some time to come and I don't wish to get into an emotionla conversation where I just explode with how much resentment I felt/feel because as it stands I'm doing a good job of processing and moving on from that failed business partnership. Its tricky being angry at someone you like but time makes it easier to walk away from something that was bad for you. No matter how tempting it might be. I'm sure somebody famous said that. I need to throw myself back fully into my art like I did back in the day so my mind won't be wrapped up in foolishness. "If it don't make dollars it don't make sense" is a saying that can be taken in so many ways.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 64

 Sometimes I swear my thoughts seem fuzzy. Its like my brain feels like its been scrambled and its a challenge to keep myself focused or motivated. Maybe everyone feels like this at times. I describe it as being in a sort of funk. As if something or someone were draining my spirit and motivation somehow. Being in a place with alot of negative low vibration folks can chip away at a person I guess. Even spending time at home and caught up in my music...my videogames and movies sometimes it feels like I am not able to completely experience peace. I have considered going to a hotel just to put myself in a "quiet" zone. It could be that when one is at a crossroads in life and theres alot of strife happening psychic defenses go down. Immune systems act up and when you have so much with the negative reinforcements it can make you not even wanna get out of bed. There is so much going on in the word. We can try but you can't really cut yourself off from it all. Crime. Disasters. Family stuff. People getting old and dying. People getting sick. Threats of environmental damage. Covid happened. Its still happening actually but now much of the focus seems to be on this new thing...gorilla measles...chimpanzee pneumonia, monkeypox, or whatever they call it. The rising homeless problem here in Cali. Last week I practically had to step over a homeless dude camped in front of my building. Stores are getting robbed left and right. Then theres this insanity where folks just walk up and punch you for no reason at all. Honestly I do believe some of these people walking around are possessed. Maybe its something else. Perhaps someone got inside their heads telepathically to make them do these things. I'm just trying to find some rational explantions for why the human race appears to be deconstructing around me. No life is not all bad. There are some awesomely fantastic days/nights don't get me wrong. Its just at times...life feels like a horror movie. 

I think I'm doing okay. Haven't talked to my shrink in awhile. I kinda dread talking to her about somethings. Mostly its my thoughts on dating that I think she might get on me about. Honestly its as if a switch in my brain just turned off and in some ways I've become pretty damn close to being asexual. Why? Constant rejections and heartache. Mostly frustration and aggravation...I think I'm tired of others making me feel inadequate when they are far from being perfect and then theres this feeling of not really measuring up then its like that voice inside says "Why should you have to measure up? So what if this or that could be better in your life or so what if you don't have the body of an African god? If these people can't/won't see the good/value in you then do you really need them or their validation?" I just don't need anyone else to remind me of my strengths and weaknesses because I've gotten pretty familiar with them over the years. Just saying. I mean there are times I feel like reaching out but I don't because my life can actually be okay without some guy to hold onto. It really feels like that is a dream I need to let go of. So have I given up on guys then and if so do I have other options? I don't know right now. 

Things have gotten a bit weird with me and Captain Liberia. I think of this guy everyday and I constantly resist the urge to call him. The urge. It comes in surges then it passes. Usually, something else just ends up coming along and getting my attention. I think since I came to understand dude really isn't that into me I moved on mentally and who would want to go back to someone who might have actually used you to a degree? They say we all use each other to a degree. They also say alot of the time in relationships one person gives more than the other. I  mean it doesn't  feel normal or right that someone who says they love me would let like a month go by without at least calling to check and see if you are okay. There are times I look back and I feel disgusted seeing how so often it seems it was me doing all the giving and being attentive when there were so many signs something might have been going on with another person. Maybe he's starting to see that I have maybe reached a point of no return. If dude actually called me up and said Sergio come and live with me baby because I love you and want you here I'd make it happen. I would yet in my heart I just don't see him doing that. The longer I stay away it just makes it easier for me to want to keep away. There might actually come a day when I don't care anymore. He will find other people but I doubt they will give him the same spark you know? Folks do sometimes come around and realize what they lost and might have had. There are some people from my past who have tried to come back into my life but you think to yourself...what made you leave in the first place? What made you think I would still be here waiting? You find yourself thinking how you went through some really tough times in life and this person was nowhere to be seen...you survived all the shit and you didn't need them. You have gotten to a place where you really got used to them not being around. Yeah I am open to giving second chances but (and I know this is something that needs work) so often Sergio is quick to anger and hard to forgive others who have hurt him. He doesn't really trust many people these days. Can you blame him? 

Might do another episode of "Nerds With Badges" over the weekend. Probably gonna fly solo this time around. There are a few people I could ask to join in but the energy...its a problem. Also I'm planning to do something really big with this series in the future. Gonna hire a camera person and rent out a large space. Maybe I'll have someone else host? Right now I need to write out a structure and have set questions and time limits for discussions to keep folks (myself included) from going off on a tangent or long-winded rant. Still looking to get back to working on my films and its time to start figuring out what I'm gonna do now that my comics are nearing completion. I gotta talk to some folks who have gotten published. There's one dude who answered my craigslist ad for peeps who wanna be on my show. He says he has a book coming out so perhaps I can even have that be a topic to discuss on the show? Theres this cop guy who answered and he mentioned playing chess which is definitely something of interest because chess has always seemed so elusive for me to master. Could be that I feel so drained so much of the time because I am stretching myself thin with all these projects. I know just from having all that time off last week I could get much accomplished if I didn't have to spend 8 hours at this job. Its all about taking that leap of faith and quitting but before that happens I gotta hang in here as long as I can and save money. My rent is cheap so I wouldn't need to stay here too much longer however one needs to prepare well and I really wanna do this the right way. A good six months and I could have enough money to get me thru for awhile. Thing is I'm gonna have to say goodbye to some luxuries. Netflix,Hulu,Disney+ (I'm keeping Amazon Prime damnit!) and perhaps there will be a total STOP for purchasing new games (No I'm not canceling my God Of War pre-order) Also this taking Uber/Lyft frequently is gonna fade out. Comic book purchases are gonna dwindle too. I can just buy "Wonder Girl" and "Strange" for the time being (once the current storylines in the other books I read ed of course). Also in regards to the creative side of things, I wanna get back into drawing again and focus on getting better at acting. Theres also the small matter of completing my DragonManx novel (I kinda got stuck at one point) I started work on a fan fiction project some months ago. Its a comic that features the Bruce Willis character from "Unbreakable" I hired someone to help me with the story but she said her home was either burned down or broken into and the story she gave me was nothing like what I requested so I gotta go back over her script to make the changes. Its a strange situation to be in really when I gave her clear instructions based around the mythos of M Night Shyamalan's work but honestly I don't believe she has seen any of the films. Its also questionable whether or not she actually bothered to read the notes I gave her but the script can be salvaged once I insert the missing elements which explains why Bruce Willis character "David" is still alive. I'd actually written why but its never mentioned or acknowledged in the script. I'm not a bad writer myself but I get stuck and long stories eventually seem to run out of steam so hence the ghost writers. The more I use ghostwriters the more I realize in some ways I might even be a better writer than they are on some levels. I guess its in the more technical aspects where I tend to falter.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 63

 I think I had a battle with evil the other day. A simple little battle but I'm not sure if its a win even though the outcome was somewhat favorable. You see I'd posted a cool poster on my Instagram about the new season of "Locke And Key" I just said its a cool show about a family dealing with magical keys. Now obviously I like this show because I have posted about it before but this time this jive turkey posted "Its one of the worst show I've ever seen in my life" My response was "Its generally mean spirited to see someone post about something they like and you come on their post to bash it. Whats the point?" Dude took down his "troll stab" I like this guy. I mean  as a friend. he's another security guard and now that I think about it he would be a great candidate for my Nerds With Badges Show. I used to run into him all the time on my way home from our old Highland location because I had to walk past his workplace. Thing is I don't like when folks troll on my shit. If you dislike something don't rain on my parade. Bash it on your own profile or something. 

Didn't do much for my birthday. I went to the movies to see "Bullet Train" which I loved by the way. Then I was naughty and stopped by the local Baskin and Robbins for ice cream. Was actually on vacation all last week as my sorta B-Day present to myself. Thought about going to an amusement park but really didn't feel like going by myself so much you know? Still the fact there is literally no one here in Cali who reached out to me to do something kinda makes me feel like I need to get the hell out of dodge because this town has become increasingly lonely. I think the reality is I really don't have any friends here. Just associates who deal with me when they feel like it can benefit them mostly. This doesn't really depress me because I have always been a loner yet I understand one should have some sort of support system in their city/town/state/whatever. I guess I hoped NWB would help scratch that itch. Speaking of...

Damn folks are so fucking flakey and weird. They express interest in what I'm doing then they just ghost and I get the feeling since I am the one with all the passion NWB will be primarily me doing the show. I can do that. Like a month ago I started ordering equipment to shoot my program. I got a backdrop. I got a tripod for my Ipad. I got a light and even a wireless microphone(s?) The only thing missing is an ideal location because I don't wanna do it at my place. I could save money but I have VERY nosey neighbors and I am certain they will try to do something to disrupt my recordings if they happen to overhear anything. This is one reason I rarely talk on the phone at my place because of paper walls. I'll work something out because I definitely wanna shoot a segment this month. I don't really need anyone else because I've plenty to talk about (Microsoft's shadey Xbox Live card racket for one) and another ego might distract me and interfere with my chain of thought. 

My comic book projects might be ready to go to print soon. I gotta sit down and look at all the pages. I printed out a few pages just to see what it would look like and it felt really good to see that work and dedication paying off. I might still attempt to film some footage for Sasquatch this month but I gotta pay Steven so he can finish editing the footage we already shot. I know actors probably think I canned the project or flaked or something like that but emotionally these past few years have been literal rollercoaster rides for me. I went thru alot and it nearly broke me but I bounced back with renewed determination. Gotta keep your eyes on the prize to fight through the pain you know? Anyhow its time for me to leave work so thats all for now.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 62

 Yesterday in the morning I went to the grocery store. It was a pretty big deal for me because due to anxiety I put it off for awhile but I was out of soap and it came to the point I HAD to go so I went. As I moved thru the aisles getting the things I needed I encountered this brother doing some stock stuff. His energy was all mad and just downright nasty. I mean just the way he looked at me or tried to NOT look at me. I swear sometimes it feels like black men are the meanest folks on this planet. He was tall. Very light skinned. Handsome. Muscular. Probably multiracial. But the attitude and energy hit me like a bag of bricks. I was feeling really bad for hours after that encounter and I ran into him a couple of times in the store. You gotta be careful with eye contact these days. From my observation many gay men would love to entertain the idea of being with a man like that but when you get right down to it...well its not worth it in the long run. I mean to say what you have to deal with...its alot. Possibly closeted. Conflicted. Filled with anger and distrust. Maybe. And probably pissed that they have such an effect on folks they don't like. I have heard some attractive folks complain about this type of thing. I'm convinced alot of black people (myself included) may have some funky DNA or spiritual residue from the shit our ancestors had to endure. I think that may be why its so easy for us to hurt each other maybe in worse ways than the man ever did or could. All this is to say I am thinking perhaps I am understanding why so many gay men avoid the hyper-masculine types and also why so many of us are fem since we don't wanna emulate the behavior of some of these guys so often glorified by society. Guys who maybe at some point in our lives hurt us. Just my theory. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 61

 Time is just flying by and things are changing really fast in the world. Meanwhile I'm dreaming alot more frequently and feeling creative energies rise to the surface in spite of everything going on around me. Its a trip that I do seem to dream more often if I have "pleasured myself" and it also seems connected to the intensity of said sessions. Its like in that moment of ultimate explosion I am touching the spiritual plane or something. Theres this flash of bright colors and I feel as if a door has opened. No lie. That's the only way I can explain it. Sometimes I get the idea that the secrets of the universe are right there hiding in plain sight but most just don't take notice for whatever reason. 

Just yesterday there was a pretty horrific car accident at Labrea and Slauson (An area I used to frequent way back when I lived at Bell Shelter on Slauson and Eastern) This was the transfer point for going into Hollywood after getting off the 108 bus you'd have to wait there for the 212 bus. The whole trip from the shelter to Hollywood was around 2 hours depending on how long the buses took to come and the last one was around 9pmish so you were screwed and stuck if you missed it. Taxi's were NOT cheap either and no one had cellphones back then. A maintenance worker showed me the video of the car crash. It looked like something out of a crazy action movie. You see one car just barrel into others as it sped right thru a red light then you see cars burst into flames and debris flying everywhere. I swear I thought I saw a body fly out. 5 or 6 people died. One car that was carrying a pregnant lady, her 1 year old son and her boyfriend (all on their way to a doctors appointment)...no one survived. People onsite said they saw a baby in the street and tried in vain to save them. Apparently a nurse caused everything and she's in the hospital. They gotta check to see if she was drinking but I think she has already been arrested. There are times when I feel numb to the madness going on in this world yet thinking about this crash fills me with great sadness even though I didn't know anyone in that crash. It just seems so senseless to me. Many times I am in a car with someone and they just go as soon as the light turns green without really bothering to look carefully to check if someone maybe ran the light at the intersection. I was in an accident many moons ago when this happened. A car ran right thru the light and smacked right into the car I was in. I have also witnessed this right in front of my eyes years ago when I lived in Long Beach coming home from work walking from the train station and about to cross the street. Also a few years ago at the intersection near my apartment in Koreatown at 3rd and Vermont. I like driving cars in video games but if I never get my drivers license in the real world I'll not lose any sleep over it. If I do get it I'll drive something REALLY big with alot of protection. Maybe a hummer.

Warner Bros just made the decision to cancel some pretty big projects that were near or actually completed. Alot of money was spent and alot of talented folks won't get to have their work seen. I was actually kinda interested in seeing Batgirl which reportedly cost $90 million. I bought the first Scoob movie so its weird to me they canceled the sequel after already spending $40 million on it. DC can still make their connected universe stuff and simply brand all the standalone stuff as "Elseworlds" and release it either straight to video or some streaming services. Now there are plenty of folks happy Batgirl was canned but many of them seem to be of the caucasian persuasion. I hat that anytime you release a film or book or tv show that features characters who are not straight white males it is automatically branded as woke by people who won't even give it a chance or just judge it more harshly as a result of its protagonists background. The internet affords folks a great deal of anonymity to come out and say a bunch of crazy things that would get them punched or fired in real life then you have the tech savy maniacs who will go so far as to try and hack sites or review bomb stuff with "bots" so it won't do well. I don't know why people go to such great lengths utilizing so many resources and time when the sensible thing to do would be creating something (themselves) truly great since they are so good at criticizing what is or isn't up to standard. I have had people straight laugh in my face regarding my projects and try to tear me down when their own body of work (if there is even one) is suspect. It jsut bugs me how folks have made it cool or fashionable to be hyper-critical and hate everything. I've been told my opinons are suspect because I "like" everything. Thats not true. I just don't hate every damn thing like you do... 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 60

 I was talking with a co-worker about a new project and sharing the news about having hired an artist who just got picked up by Marvel to work on a new Spiderman book when this guy just basically trashed me and did his best to make me feel bad by making these harsh jokes about me and stuff I'm working on. Just made me feel really dwon and there was another person in the room when this happened. I turned and said this is why I need to leave this place because of negativity. I just needed to write about that because it really upset me. 

I've had issues with this guy before. I am convinced he's bi-polar because on minute you're chatting like old friends then he flips and starts attacking with biting comments that tear you down. Its kinda confusing when a person does that because it makes you want to either avoid them or stay away. I can't let unhappy people bring me down though. This is a great moment for me having hired this particular artist before he pretty much becomes unavailable. He's done plenty of work for me over the years and I just decided to reach out to him the other day not having any idea Marvel hired him. He told me after this weekend he would be unavailable. So this was one of those universe working for you type of deals where a person is at the right place at the right moment.

So the first episode of my new webseries is finally posted. I will try to share the video here. The title is "Sasquatch And The Mythology Sisterhood" The premise revolves around a group of female super powered bounty hunters who team up with Bigfoot to take down an evil fallen angel named Oasis. We actually started shooting footage on this waaay back in 2019 so its been a real struggle to get here due to a bunch of setbacks. The first episode is like 5 minutes but theres still considerable additional footage we shot that will be edited and cut together to form the story. I may have to reshoot some stuff and I'm getting new ideas for the story because I'm also developing a comic around it. The next project I'll be filming is gonna be the relaunch of SonsofLegend on Aug 15th (my birthday) I am almost inclined to just use the scenes as a part of the Sasquatch film but I think other than a few cameos I'd like to have Sasquatch stand on its own for awhile. It will eventually take the place of SonsofLegend and all my other webseries including ideas I had to scrap because of all the shit that went down involving Daughters of Legend. The less said about that chapter of my life the better. I had my ideas taken, stripped from me...years of hard work thrown away but like the phoenix I'm rising. Because I have to. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 59

 My Youtube account was hacked yet again over the weekend. I suspect its a co-worker but I really don't know. I only say I suspect its a co-worker because something we discussed showed up in the watch history of "whomever" was using my account. Now how they got my login info is a mystery but hackers can usually find away to get into accounts if they are determined enough and skilled but its just creepy to me to think someone I trusted would do something like that to me. I have other suspects too. One is a former business partner whose email is linked to me and they have been using my account with a variety of dating sites. Weird right? Again out of all the people in the world why me? I think in the past I used his phone to log in and so thats how he got my info. Then there's my friend in North Dakota. I suspect that his daughter may have been watching videos using my account because I logged in on the smart tv they have in the living room because the person or persons is watching mostly kids videos and they seem to be having trouble remembering their search history as when I delete it they are then only viewing the one same video over and over again. When I look at the location it tells me this person is in Los Angeles. However a hacker can hide their exact location when logging on if they even choose to connect to the web. When this happened before I think it was the person who had my stuff that was stolen in Detroit or possibly a family member. I'd be listening to Spotify and the music would change and start playing this kinda lounge techno type music and on Youtube, my history was filled with videos of gangs fighting or just people getting into fights with each other. Lately, I have been having folks come over to my avatar while waiting in the lobby between matches on Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodhunt and following me or making lewd gestures. Don't get me started on internet trolls in the comments section of sites I used to enjoy visiting. People have often made me feel that I am weird or something is wrong with me and I have said this before...I'd probably be shocked beyond belief if I could read the minds of folks who go out of their way to point out or never forgive my shortcomings. It is said that we are all a little crazy. Some more than others. Sometimes it feels as if I am trapped in a world full of supervillains trying hard to turn me into one.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 58

 Evil. It exists. It seems to everywhere and I can't say I understand what drives some of these garbage minded individuals to do what they do. I was watching a video earlier on youtube of the shooting that recently happened in a school in Texas. The gunman just casually strolls into the school with his machine gun. Brushes his hair and continues on down a hall. Someone noticed him but went and hid then the gunman disappears from view. A moment later you hear all these shots being fired. What on earth could motivate someone to walk into a school fully armed dressed like a goth biker and just kill a bunch of innocent children? Days ago a model was in downtown LA when a guy hit her in the face with a damn pipe. I remember watching a docufilm on netflix years ago about a woman who fled Liberia in the 90's. She talked about men with guns coming into classrooms and just taking young girls while the teachers were helpless to do anything about it but watch. Earlier as I left for work and was locking my door I could hear the next door neighbor watching me thru their peephole. They like to jiggle it loud enough for awhile so I will be aware they're watching me. Like a month ago when I did my laundry someone put a bloody rag in the dryer with my clothes. This happened before many moons ago. Its like I will get a period of peace and then just as my life is feeling almost okay these folks will inevitably do something to fuck with me. Stir the pot. Now...I stay in my apartment and go out of my way to avoid contact with these people. But now I am forced to sit and watch my laundry when I wash/dry clothes. I had to get my packages delivered to my job since my shit was getting taken. I have had things thrown at me when walking outside too. I'm not gonna lie and say I have not had fantasies of going into that house with a flame thrower and I don't know what these people want. Another crazy black man on the 6 oclock news going off the deep end. And behind the scenes there was some asshole that pushed his buttons. I think thats what they want and in an alternate universe maybe it happened but I won't give it to them in this one. It has been 20 years of this shit and it all started the day I asked a little Bangeldashian girl to stop throwing paper in front of the building. SOmeone I told this to earlier before I came in to work said he has had some similar experiences as well as others he know. He told me as an Asian he and his kin just usually simply "take it and don't say anything about it" He then said something that really got me thinking. He asked me if  I was maybe involved with any controversial political groups or if I had any social media content that might attract some nutjobs because there are those who do come after you. Even organizations. Dude started getting all religious at some point but what he said struck me. I mean...I have wondered if its a gay thing why I have had so much problems and there are some who will literally try to kill you (or come as close as they can without actually doing it) if they know THAT about you. I dunno. I have had all kinds of bad things done to me and been mad at folks for a while but 20 years of constant harassment just feels like its exerting too much energy. I can't say I know what the agenda is here. Some have theorized its to make me move out. Some have said it may be some bad spirits doing stuff to keep the negative energies flowing. What I do know is I am definitely dealing with some sort of PTS from having my psyche constantly under assault to the point where it can be a struggle at times to relax from a stressful job when I come home. Your life must be pure hell if you would go so far and so long to make someone else miserable. They say hurt people hurt people. In the face of such cruelty I just try to stay focused on my goals and realize THIS is not real life. Its an artificial life and one day I will be free from these people and their shit. It might be because of Karma , it might be coming suddenly into success or it may be me just simply moving away. Since I can't afford to move right now I have to hold on and save up as much money while getting my projects done. Meanwhile instead of thinking so much about people who hate me and want my attention I need to give it to those folks in my life who deserve it. I can certainly imagine a life full of positive minded people around me and beautiful sunrises over glistening cityscapes while I'm enjoying a cup of coffee.