Did I offend you?
Sitting there
with my security uniform on
minding my business
but all you could see was
"LGBT"
on my chest.
So you had to remark....
"Everybody is gonna know
what you're all about"
Bro you were the only person
on that whole damn train
who was even caring
where I was working
or what I was wearing.
Why on Earth were you
so concerned
about me
when nobody else cared?
I was going to work
not hiding
not making a statement
just being.
Just going to work
was all I was doing
and it looks like I managed to offend you.
You kept staring
Stared at me the whole time
I was on that train
eyes burning into my forehead
even though I tried to ignore you
I tried to focus on
that tiny PS Vita screen
and you kept focusing
for some reason
on forcing yourself
into my world.

Miss Bangladesh.

You have always been there
mostly silent
sneaky
mysterious
in all your machinations.
I used to think women could better police the world
yet you've shown me
women can be just as
terrible
devious
and foul
as mankind.
You never came after me with brutality
you attacked my mind
for so long
it almost seems normal
how you bang on my walls
how you stomp on the floor
above my head
and I wonder if oneday
that damn ceiling will fall
I gotta get out of here woman.
Gotta get free of you
I only wish they'd installed those
video cams in the hall years ago
so they could see you
spitting on my door
sticking gum in my key hole
scratching my peephole
stuffing your
soiled panties in the dryer
with my clothes.
Your hatred for me must run so deep
when all I've ever done was try to defend myself
from your cruel actions.
This all started when I asked your little sister
to stop tearing paper up in the front yard
then you opened up a can of hell on my life
pure unrelenting hell
on a man who just tries to ignore you
trying to live his life.
Damn woman
if this is what you do to me
I ask what do you do to your true enemies?
Never in all my life
have I witnessed so much blind raging intense
hate
that never sleeps
until the day I moved into the apartment next door to
Miss Bangladesh.

She will hate me till the end of time
with all her might
even if it causes her
own destruction
even if it causes her to
look older everyday
dying inside
trying to fool everyone
with outside appearances.

The truth is
you're rotten to the core
and if it wasn't me
you woulda channeled onto someone else
(I'll bet you're shocked I'm still alive)
How many others have there been
Miss Bangladesh?

Better be careful
that cosmic justice
that divine retribution
its coming for you
Better get your soul right
before its too late
Miss Bangladesh

You achieved what no man ever has
you managed to become
my greatest nemesis
even while you were adding
fuel to my fire.

I can barely wait till the day comes
when I can move out of here
and never have to think about you (or your friends) again.

It stings sometimes
sometimes I know its a miracle
feeling those stings
surviving
being this sensitive person.

Took me some time to learn
to live with those stings
to roll with the punches
the nastiness I get
from others
real or imagined
but its the real pains that have caused the imaginary ones
the mind tries to heal
yet some scars stay
sometimes there are too many wounds
sometimes I feel like
gotta run away from humanity
if I want to truly heal.
Run to the woods
up in the mountains
someplace where
its clean air
clear water.
Feels like the city
its trying to eat me alive
trying so hard
like my enemies
to keep me
in this weird dimension
between sanity and madness.

Healing
while its all still stabbing at
this soul like thing I have
and sometimes
I know not my friend from my enemy.
Waking up is like
waking up
in the middle of a roaring raceway
with not a clue where to run
watching folks involuntarily
out the corners of my eyes
absorbing so much info
need special glasses like Spiderman
so I can focus.

Never met anyone quite like me
So how human am I I wonder?
(I mean really)
Just exactly what planet did I come from
and how did I get here?

So damn sensitive
feeling everything
wish they'd seen this shit earlier
put me somewhere
with someone who coulda taught me
how to harness the power
that threatens to overwhelm
the senses.
Guess I am that odd miracle
the one who didn't break
although I often look around
to see so many others
whose minds have snapped.

Its a scary thing
to know
Superman
Spiderman
Wonder Woman
and Steve Austin
definitely helped save me from that dark place
so many others fell in
are swimming in.

The gods that float above
or the ones walking around on two legs
they tossed me a parachute made from comic books.

When I looked in your eyes
I could feel
something
think it was hate
was it racial hate
or did I imagine
I felt anything at all
thou out of sorts looking
red haired
tall and skinny
male organism?

I keep forgetting
like a fool
never to look
into the eyes
of the
strangers
I keep forgetting
how much
anger
the rest of the world has
towards
almost anything.
Just like my co-worker.
if I mention
my joy for anything
be it music
films or books
so many of these young kats
they will rip
and tear
it all down

and if I'm not careful
I feel myself
at times
being infected with
their disdain towards
anything.

How can you live
if you lose your wonder about
everything
about life?

I think if you lose that
you hate everything
and everybody
then theres the part of you
it no longer understands
why I can laugh at something
finding joy in something

When did you lose your joy
or was it taken from you(?)
maybe you never had it
so you could never bear to be
too long
in the company
of someone like myself.

Don't hate me for trying to be happy in this world.

INTERNET GODS

Man
those sure are some
hot pics you posted online
as usual.
Of course.
Right?
Yeah.
All of us come to see your
muscular arms
(Those tatts)
your smile
that cropped mane(!)
your lovely
photoshopped skin
pearly whites
that oh so wonderfully sculpted
often barely clad physique of yours
that you work so hard on in the gym.
Yeah.
They worship you
I used to
but I noticed
you don't ever
"like" my photos
you never even
leave a damn comment
when I'm going thru
some trying life event.
So who the hell are you
that I should be
drooling over
your image?
Its not as if I really know you after all.
Right?
You are all false gods.
Not gonna give you anymore of my worshipping
energies.
Save them for
somebody whose gone thru something
somebody who has risen above something
and contributed
to the greater good of us all
not some
MIRROR KISSING FOOL(S)

I don't know you!
You could be so cute outside
and secretly have a bunch of bodies
at home in your fridge
for all I know.
You might eat
kittens,puppies and biddies
with your cereal
in the morning
for all I know.
So excuse me
if I defect from the cult
Need to
find myself a new religion.

And if by chance I can't find anyone worthy
of my admiration
well I guess there is always
Me.

(To "New Techno" station on Pandora)


TRANSFORMING AWAY FROM ME

Damn
never had a problem with dating vanilla
true love is blind

but you
you blow past
any white guys I have ever seen.

perfect body
smile that seems to
rearrange my molecular structure
and the funny thing is
you really don't even know I exist
I mean sure you talk to me
but its that
tolerating
not really wanting to be bothered kind of talking
I sincerely doubt you like chocolate

thats your business

Then I find out
you are transitioning
changing into
some other person
same person actually
but
no more package
no more facial hair
longer hair on top too

I feel like
I'm being slapped in the face
liking a dude
whos changing
I guess changing into
a version of his skin
he's more comfortable being in

but man
GOD made you so damn beautiful
and its terrible inside
you don't see
just how fucking fine you are
(I'm sure you realize your effect on others
just as I'm certain you get that
crush vibe from me
when you're around me)

man I wish I could clone you
before the man is gone
before I can only see him again in photos
or images reconstructed in my minds eye.

I would raise you
accelerating your growth with magic
teach you all those manly things
a manly man is supposed to know
(or maybe just have one of those annoyingly
over masculine guys I know
take you under their wing
so they could influence you
influence you to use the mens restroom
and play some rough sports
so that you would come home
excreting pheremones everywhere.
That came out sounding nastier than intended)

Alas
you're gonna take him away from me
that man who was never mine to begin with
not even in fantasies
I struggle to imagine life with
an unattainable reality
seems so far away
you know what I mean?

Pretty soon
you're gonna be transitioning
out of my life
not looking back
on life
as a man
forgetting the past
learning to think as she
as internally
I will mourn his passing
the him that was you
yet ultimately
never you.

How could anyone remain a he
that never felt any of it was the truth.

Inside
he was always the trapped soul of
she.

When that day finally comes
be brave in your new life
run free
and never look back.

(To State of Jazz on Spotify streaming from my PS4 phat)

Life Betwixt The Dead and The Living

I saw a dead man this morning
when I got off work.
I knew
something weird was gonna happen
because I left work late
because I had to stop
at our other location
just to get my samsung tablet
lucky for my co-worker
since she just happened to need to borrow
one of my chargers for her phone(!)
then I got stopped
by Bob
my friend
who also works in security
just down the street.

As I walked to the station
the cops at chick filet
they checked me out
as I walked by
(yeah I know I look like
"somebody")
Whoever the hell that is
I still do not know
even after
all these years.
Maybe one day someone will tell me?
A white guy gave me a nasty look
when I nodded a simple greeting passing him
A man sweeping the street
in front of Mels
(which usually lights up in cool rainbow colors when I walk by)
gave me a peculiar glance
upon my passing
Then
At the light I got a suspicious glance from an old white lady
she moved to make some distance
I turned around on purpose
so she could see my security jacket
because sometimes that makes people
feel more at ease
because
well you know
I guess I look like
somebody threatening
whoever he is.

On my way down
the escalator
a black lady
basically sped up so I couldn't pass her
then she stopped
after the turnstile
to make sure I could get in front of her
(sometimes people are so confusing)

I get  on the train
took my vita out my back pocket
so I wouldn't sit on it
I'm reading Thor
on my tablet
a pretty black lady sits down across from me
her perfume smelled nice
I could feel her eyes on me much of the time
and I guess maybe its because
she doesn't see many brothas
on the train
reading comic books on their tablets?

I get up
put my vita back in my pocket
And
I get off the train
deftly putting on my back pack
then I took the escalator
since the elevator was packed.

A cute
bald headed
brotha passed me
He said excuse me
which kinda pleasantly surprised me
because
people rarely say
"excuse me"
anymore.

When I get to the second level
where that escalator ends
decided to walk up the damn stairs next
instead of getting on the crowded escalator.
I see as I look up
police standing around
and theres something there
I actually stumbled a bit
not because of what  I saw
I just wasn't really paying attention
where the stairs were
but as I got closer
there was a white man lying there
mid-30's
mouth sorta open
yet not really
while the police looked on
and his eyes were closed
he wasn't breathing
and mostly
folks were just
walking by.
One cop noticed my semi stumble
His eyes fixed on me
I supposed he thought maybe
is this guy gonna pass out or something?
No this guy has seen bodies before
and he doesn't scare easy.
Although its probably safe to say he does have
bad nerves.

As I walked on
I noticed another
cute black guy on the escalator
he was almost as dark as they come.
Tall
Maybe a bit older than me
but still kinda cute
I guess.

I exited the station
thinking
how surreal it was
what I'd just witnessed.
One man was dead
folks were walking by
as if it were nothing
and for a moment
thoughts of
if that were me
(that type of thing)
went thru my head.
People just walk by
they don't really care
its just
another day in the life.
One black lady seemed
somewhat weirded out though
she seemed to be covering her mouth
while her and a white lady
possibly a co-worker of heres
walked by the guy on the ground.

I passed by a brotha
nodded a greeting
he ignored me.
Everytime it happens
I swear I'm never gonna say hello
to anyone unless they speak to me first.
It does still boggle the mind
how mean folks can be
and the fact many people
they just don't have any manners.
Yeah it does make me worry
especially when its youngins
because one day
they gonna be runnin this shit.

I walked to the corner
a fire truck roared past
almost had to cover my ears.
Where was the ambulance?
Guess they were it
figured the guy on the concrete covered ground
well
he had a chance if they could revive him
If.

Walked on
got to the little security shack I pass on
westmoreland
the guard wasn't there
noticed him crossing the street
he got into a converstaion
with a black lady walking ahead of me
it was about the guy on the ground
as I walked by I told them
he's gone
described the guy after the guard asked who was it
then I said
unless they can revive him.

Walked on more
A black girl
wearing headphones
passed me
gave me a sort of
snaughty eye roll gesture of ignoring me
when I said hello
kept on going
like I didn't exist
I said "typical"
loud enough she probably heard me
then when passing an asian guy
sweeping the street near the temple
I said nothing
because before when I've greeted them
they simply don't respond
and I don't wanna waste energy on
the negative.

Crossed the street on vermont
and a really cute looking brotha
he said hello
making a nice gesture as I reponded
and when I got to my street
feet from my building
a cool loking
kinda cute brotha
smiled and said hello to me
with the jubilation you'd expect
if i was the first person he'd seen in
a hundred years.
For some reason I am glad
the last memory I have of
contact with a human being
was a good one
before I drift off to sleep
after eating some
banana split flavored icecream.

*
This Trinidadian man
he said
he was my husband
and his eyes
made me feel
nasty in ways
no one else has
in a good while.
Trinidad could be
pushing Africa out of the picture.
Could be.
(And its funny
my mother married a Trinidad man)
He asked me
if he could see
because
he showed me something
shocking
even as it was pleasing.

Really think dude likes me

Me?
He's sexy
but
guess he always seemed
so independent
so beyond
me
because he seemed
almost as if
he cared not
whether he was single or whatever

Yet
perhaps I misread him?

Told me
he din't love those hos
so many hos
and he wasn't even interested.
Sometimes I think
hos have become the norm
and those of us still believing beyong ho-ism
well we're dinosaurs.

He asked if I'd move with him
in his house
said he wanted a family.
He keeps saying
all the right things.
Told him
about
some of these insecurities
he said just stop it
put me on the spot.
It truly has been
so long since someone
agressively courted me
its something I don't even know
how to respond to
cuz it feels unreal.
You know?

It makes such a big difference
to know
to hear
that someone
somewhere
wants you.
Is willing to take
a risk on you.

So used to
being overlooked
passed over
I don't even know what its like really
to feel "sexy"
I don't.
I know I'm not ugly
even though I've certainly heard that one.
Its something to get
that affirmation from others
that
you are actually nice to look at
and maybe your company
it isn't so bad.

To hear someone
express
genuine interest
genuine acceptance
its some of the best medicine for a sick man.

Old friend
I often think about you
the lying ass that you were
I still forgive you
because
you kept me laughing
and you were there
during some of those
dark days
but I never understood
your need to lie
about everything
these friends of yours
celebrity connections
you never even showed me photos
but you claimed to have hobnobbed
with hollywood royalty
still I can forgive you
for blowing smoke up my ass
all those years
even when I let you move in with me
just don't understand why
you felt this need
to play pretend with me
I'm not like all these other motherfuckers
I don't need you to be famous to be my friend
don't need you to
play pretend at being
someone you're not
because you were always
good enough to be my friend
even when your ass couldn't fit thru
the damn door
and you didn't have a penny to your name
because thats just how I roll
*

Brothers
why ya'll be killin each other?
Why ya'll be tryin to kill me?
Can't turn on the news
or read the damn paper
without seein
some brother
done killed another
mass genocide
uncontrollable rage
towards each other
could be some sorta misdirected shit
but I ain't done shit to you
so why you hate me?
Walkin down the street
nobody dares make eye contact
I feel like I'm cut off
and then when I do look in your eyes
its like
the rage of a wild animal that wishes it could
consume me
but these days I feel like
wild animals are more brothers to me
than these people who are said to be my brothers
who in truth
want me dead
and they've banished me from the kingdom
when they coulda took me in and raised me
like those wild wolves and lions are doing now
Was lost in the wild wilderness and the animals saved me.
I just do not understand
why our villages
burned to the ground
and all the elders or avatars
who coulda fixed everything
they just fled
(hell I'm trying to leave)
and even if I do leave
and I make those millions
I won't forget to put some of that moolah
right back in the community.
I know there are others like me
they wanna escape
this crazy way our life has become
and only a wild animal like
what I've mutated into
can leave that bread crumb trail for them
to survive that wilderness trek to
Shangrila(?)

I hope that you survive and prosper brother
sister.
Just don't turn into a wild animal like me.
Seems the wild animal
that invisible hero
who comes down
from  the mountains
to fight with the monsters
you never see
well....it usually doesn't get the happy ending.

I had to lose some of myself to survive the storm.

I wanted to forget you
but its a struggle
had to do this before
deleting photos
trying to erase somebody from my mind
wanted to get them out of my head
I guess I succeeded for awhile
so much pain
for some
nigga that don't even think about me
broke my heart
like it was
yesterdays news.
Just like you did
I don't know
was I wrong to fall?
Probably was wrong
of me
to tell you.
Guess I'm stupid that way.
Funny you said
when we met
I was closed off
like I'd given up.
Whats to be expected
when I keep meeting
people like you
a constant reminder
of what I may have moved past.
Sometimes it hurts so bad
that the pain feels
numb.
Its become
a pain that I'm used to
I guess
Just so much like that damn song
by Depeche Mode.
To think I thought I could love you
to think you could have been
at least my onscreen boyfriend right?
But you stood me up on audition day
I want so badly to delete your photo on instagram
from my ipad
I stared at your photo
started feeling
sick in my stomach
I don't know if its some psychic shit going on
don't know if you're in pain or
even alive.
Keep feeling
wondering if one day
we'll meet again
and we'll be friends
and I'll look back feeling
regret
because I deleted those photos.
I have to get over you
have to get you out of my system
this shit I'm feeling
thought I'd be coasting downhill by now
but it still feels like its an uphill battle.
They say getting someone to love you is not supposed to be
an uphill battle
so why the hell is getting over
someone who never was meant for you
such an uphill battle?
I'm trying to get over you man
Not there yet
probably whats keeping me from
deleting those fucking pictures.
One day I'll get there
oneday
I will have the strength
to forget about you
(Maybe if the gods are kind I will meet someone to make me forget your dumb ass even if you were /are well within your rights not to care about me there coulda been a diamond here?)
Until that day comes
when you have fled from my mental facilities
I am staying the hell away from
Coffee bean and tea leaf.

Right now I just couldn't deal with
that physical painful reminder of
your rejection.

I wouldn't even know what to say if we ran into each other
would probably fall to my knees like Superman facing a kryptonite cyborg
Well in my mind
thats exactly what I'd be doing
falling
screaming
camera zooming in on me
like Ola Ray when she saw Michael was a zombie

I am so damn dramatic.

UNDERCOVER HIP HOP HEAD

Is that what I am?
I love the old skool
RunDMC
Rakim
Gangstar
LL
KRS1
UTFO
MC Lyte
Mary J Blige
Heavy D
Whodini
Grandmaster Flash
Public Enemy
Folks like Wutang
Tupac
Biggie
Roxxane Shante!
Was Teena Marie the first female rapper
or was it Blondie?
I still don't know the answer to that question?
But I can remember where I was and what I was doing
when I hear most of that old stuff
much of this new stuff doesn't compare to
There are some who recapture the magic
like Missy
Timbaland
Digable
Fugees
Busta
Music from
Tall Black Guy
Foreign Exchange
9th Wonder
City Nights
Maylee Todd
and Jabig with so many other noteable deejays
(Thank GOD for Youtube!)
Spotify
and Pandora
or I wouldn't even know about
so much of the good music out here
that the radio stations won't play.
I grew up on hip hop
will never forget
that music of
a simpler time
that got me through
some difficult times
and when I hear it now
all I can think of is sunny days
long bus rides
icecream cones
banana or apple nowandlaters
APPLE KOOLAID
Tang or
Grandmas tea and bread pudding!
Mommas banana pudding
Sega Genesis
Bionic Woman reruns
old Bugs Bunny
Tom and Jerry cartoons
along with the first time I saw Fantasia
(and it was on a big screen!)
Cartoons with kung fu movies on Saturdays
Godzilla or Planet of the Apes marathons on Thanksgiving
Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown
Claymation style Frosty the Snowman/Rudolph Christmas specials
and all the while
hip hop was there mixed in
in the background
providing soundtracks to my life
accompanying all those R&B classics
Chaka Khan
Stevie Wonder
James Brown
and the Thrillers
David Bowies
and Tears for fears
then it all came back around full circle
NWA and them
Phyllis didn't wanna change the world but she did it anyway God rest her soul
Ojays and Queen Latifah teamed up for New Jack
Heavy D was just coolin with Levert
Guru brought it with N'Dea
and so many more in
Jazzmatazz
Robert Glasper brought it with Yasiin Bey
on Black Radio
Who can forget these girls
Janelle Monae
Jill Scott
Miss Baduizm
They seemed to come out of nowhere
to take the world by storm
as they spread their wisdom musically?
All this and more
is why I will never forget hip hip
even as it evolves
as long as they keep making the soul
people (like me) will come
(even if I am
the undercover hip hop head)

Been moving forward
making progress
gradually
seems to be happening
so damn slowly
yet I can see myself inching
ever closer to that goal
the goal that seems so
elusive at times
I'm getting close
as I fall away from what is considered a normal life
I'm falling away from
dreams
dreams that feel like phantom images
in my head
so far away.
Its something that I used to
really believe
really believe I could be
happy with some other guy
but they all rejected me
even as the women seem to notice me so much more these days
Its so ironic
but I've never really explored that part of me
some sort of curiosity
even though
thoughts of being with a woman
make me feel
somewhat
nauseated
(Is that even a word?)

In all honesty
I struggle sometimes
to make peace with this
realization I might just be too crazy
to be with anyone.
That fantasy is fading
replaced by fantasies of me with my
support animal
by my side
exploring this big world with me
keeping me grounded
(keeping me human?)
Helping me stay focused enough
to build this empire.
Not really sad about this
in truth
been done with mourning for quite some time.
But have I ever really cried for
the death of the Sergio who once believed
he was gonna fucking fall in love with some guy?
Its a sobering possibility that
the concept of a long lasting
one on one relationship
has all but been abandoned by the gay community.
That is my observation.
We can finally get married
but who really wants to anymore right?

I look around
and I feel as if
I am incomplete
don't measure up
and because I've not achieved what I want out of life
theres nothing I have to offer
So my life is in flux
and I know I gotta work on gettin in better shape
not just so I can run around in tights
(in my films)
and not look like a damn fool.
(Okay maybe that is largely why)
And like I said I ain't sad
just able to be brutally honest with myself
so I can help myself
(What you expect me to wait around
for somebody else to do it?)
George Michael said it himself in Flawless
"There ain't no miracles"
He also said you gotta go to the city.
What city is mine?
It ain't Los Angeles Cali.
I think it could be somewhere in Michigan.
This place hasn't ever really felt like home to me
and like the dog with wolf in him
I'm feeling the call of the wild

I've got to get out of here.

(To Miseducation of Lauryn Hill)

HECTIC

Its been so
hectic around here lately
some people say
the world is about to come to an end
I'm not depressed about things
but I can't say it hasn't affected me
yeah I shed some tears
I try to donate when I can
Its hard to not feel
even when it feels like
its coming from all over
makes you see your life isn't so bad.
Texas, North Carolina, Florida ,Puerto Rico and Georgia hit by hurricane forces
Earthquakes in Mexico
Wildfires here in Cali
Mass shootings in Vegas
Terrorists constantly on the creep
threats of nuclear devastation
plus so many homeless people in the stations/on the trains/on the streets
in their tents
mentally deranged people all over
and it seems everybody else is walking around with an attitude
ready to
run you over
ready to
fight
whoever looks at them wrong.
My icons are being torn down
unspeakable scandals
and this Prez simply baffles me
Man....
I just walk around in my own world
I walk the back streets at night
lost in my own feelings of
insecurity
battling these damn demons
I walk the back streets at night
because I don't want anybody to see me
these wrinkled clothes that
I didn't bother to iron
wishing my body was in better shape
fighting off this depression shit
dealing with this HYPER REALITY shit
I bury myself in my (art) work
sometimes
going so deep
in my own world
or worlds others created in
videogames,comics,music and those moving pictures I love so much
You see I need it
like some kinda drug
(these survival mechanisms)
to help me bounce back enough
to face life
you know?
That way maybe
just maybe
I will finally get around to cleaning up
my junky ass apartment.

Its not enough
fighting for your own dreams
in this world.
You gotta fight
(often with a smile?)
to survive
period
in this world
No matter how hectic
things get around here.

The Birthday Vacation. Part 2.

I'm sitting here listening to music (from Star Wars,Matrix and The Hobbit) on Spotify and thinking (really worrying) about these little potted plants Jonathan has here. I sat them over by the patio door so they could get some sun and I swear they are looking better. I gave them alittle bit of water earlier because they looked really out of it. Just trying to follow the instructions on the tabs you know. And I'm alittle tired. Maybe not tired but just sleepy. I'm gonna attempt to bake this fish The Dangerous African had up in his freezer. That fish has some freezer burn going on let me tell you. Anyway my investor jokingly told me yesterday since Jonathan was going thru this difficult time I had to do the wife thing. I was like "We're both two men" so theres no one doing any wife thing. Still Jonathan and I do make a good team I suppose. In some ways we compliment each others strengths and weaknesses. Its been cool being here to help him. Earlier I told him I wouldn't mind moving here and he said if my heart was in it. It was in the heat of passion but I meant it. If money wasn't so much of an issue I'd live here at least for awhile in a heartbeat. Yeah money definitely does not buy happiness but it sure covers a lot of territory. It makes many things possible you know.

It was cool to cook for him a few times during my stay here. I don't mind. I'm actually pretty good at it. Made baked potatoes last night. Baked some chicken patties the other night. Cooking fish right now. Baked tilapia. It smells pretty good. All I did was take it out of the package,rinse and sprinkle some pepper with garlic salt on it. Did alittle research online about the freezer burn because I wanted to make sure it wasn't gonna cause problems. Turns out it might simply taste unpleasant. The areas with the burn that is. Told Jonathan to make sure in the future to cover food he puts in the freezer instead of just tossing it in there. That's Jonathan. The Dangerous African. Part of the reason I call him that is because he almost blew up my microwave back in LA when we first stared seeing each other. Can still remember the day we first met. It was pretty awkward because "Captain Caramel" my nutty roomie at the time had gone out somewhere and since he had my house keys I couldn't get back in the apartment. Jonathan came thru to meet with me at my place. I remember how hot he looked in his soccer team type shirt. His dark skin and perfectly formed body. Those kind eyes that reassured me everything was gonna be alright even though I was sorta panicking about being locked out of the apartment. We ended up sitting outside in the little courtyard area behind my building. We talked about his current living situation at the time. He was bouncing around without a place to call his own. He'd been dealing with some betrayals as well as some unsavory characters he was forced to depend on since he was an illegal trying to get on his feet after leaving New York. Prior to that he'd left Liberia behind because some people wanted to kill him for being gay. Yeah they do that over there. I've seen video of people burning a gay guy then celebrating in the street like it was some kind of holiday event. One day all these people who claim to know GOD or a god will be in for a rude awakening because of all the terrible things they have done to others. Call it karma or divine intervention but we will all face some kind of cosmic justice one day. Take someone like Donald Trump. He's been in the news again over craziness. I wanted to believe the man wasn't a racist who probably didn't hate gay folks. Now I'm not too sure. It still blows my mind that a man who was video taped talking about grabbing pussies has become the President of the US. It seems like madness. Over the weekend there was an incident at a rally in Charlottesville. Basically some pro-White folks were going on about some craziness and a bunch of protesters showed up then at some point this crazy white kid ran a car into the crowd killing a white lady who was there peacefully protesting. Donald Trump comes on tv then makes a statement saying it was terrible what happened but the blame is on both sides. There was so much backlash because he didn't call out the crazy racist folks who were there stirring up trouble in the first place that he had to make another statement two days later to placate everyone basically. But his supporters have been jumping ship left and right. This entire election has been like some bizarre bad dream. I wish so much there was a reset button so I could go back in time. This man is the most unqualified person to ever sit in the oval office and it is a complete embarrassment to the establishment. But they wanted him over Hillary and ran her campaign into the ground. (With some help) Now I hear she wants to be a preacher? What???

So like I said....on the day I met The Dangerous African my roomie had me locked out of my place because he took my keys. I sat and talked with Jonathan for awhile and he felt like an old childhood friend. He kept telling me not to worry about anything. Its interesting in that we'd chatted online (via the "tagged site) on and off for about a year but we'd never met. I'd almost given up on trying to forge anything with this guy but I decided to try again but that particular time I left him my phone number and he called me. Most guys don't. Think I'm kidding? I used to wonder if people just run from you for giving your number but the sad truth is many are lying about who they are. Phone calls and video chat are a no no when you are trying to create an illusion apparently. Always felt that the person for me (if he existed) would be from another country. So many Black guys here in the USA have an edge about them. Its something I really don't see in brothers from out of the country. If you ask me to explain it I just say its more of the mental ill shit that's fallout from what happened to our ancestors. Some of it anyway. Sometimes that edge is part of what makes brothas so damn sexy. Other times its just something I wanna run as far away from as fast as I can. Why? because sometimes that angry energy is directed at me. There it is.

(Added 8.24.2017)-
(We saw the new film "Detroit" and Jonathan walked out a few times because of the intensity of one particular interrogation scene that seemed to go on forever. That scene even made me uncomfortable and one couple who saw the film with us later agreed whoever edited the movie could have cut out about half an hour at least to make it flow better. Jonathan was still sensitive about his mom so thats probably why he was so affected by the scene. )-

Not even gonna lie. When The Dangerous African made love to me that first time it was truly a spiritual experience. I told him he put voodoo on me. Of course he laughed. Such a likeable guy he was and his story moved me so much....that whole adventure of surviving a civil war in Liberia then that climb up from nothing....it was something I certainly understood. Of course I let him move in with me. He became my best friend and I guess even though it didn't feel official he was my lifepartner. Until my own insecurities and unwillingness to move drove a wedge between us. Then he moved. So here we are.

We did the laundry today. I'd really wanted to go to the zoo but it was too late since Jonathan had to go to work. He's gonna be gone till later tonight. That'll give me plenty of time to start doing some concept drawings for the designs of the Daughters of Legend character jackets. I made a difficult decision yesterday about the DOLL (Daughters Of Legend Legacy) film. Well its something I've been mulling over for some time but the quality of the footage we shot is severely lacking therefore we're just gonna start all over from scratch instead of trying to go back and fix everything. Right now I'm leaning towards taking what we already filmed and having it released as a webisode that will lead into the film. Viewing the webisode will not be required for understanding whats going on in the short film, which may or may not be a new original story. I thought my investor would be kinda perturbed by my decision but he actually seemed happy. Probably saw it coming from the talks we've been having over the past couple of months. I want to do things up in the short film though. make everything bigger and better I mean. Damali will get an upgrade in the film. Her look. Her house. How she dresses. How she walks. Everything. So although we spent a gang of money on the already shot footage it wasn't a waste. More of a build up to the main event. To think of it as anything else would be too distressing. We're gonna be bringing in a cool female DP to help out this time too. Someone I've already worked with before. Daughters of Legend needs input of the womanly persuasion. So many things are gonna be different for this production when I return to LA. The trip definitely got my batteries recharged in spite of Jonathans situation which brings us to....

Jonathan was concerned about the pictures he posted on Facebook of his moms funeral. I told him it was too late now. I understand how others could think posting these types of pics as weird or morbid but also I get it wanting to hold on to memories of the person you lost and its a loving way of giving some form of closure. I get it. Now he's thinking about giving her a more fitting burial place or maybe it was a headstone he mentioned earlier. Its really something that at this time when he's got to prepare for his daughters arrival next month he also has this to think about. But when you have so much responsibility you can't really slow down to take a moment to grieve. I have a buddy who lives in Detroit. I really care for him a lot but I abandoned the idea of us ever being more than friends. Anyway this buddy of mine has been heaping so many responsibilities upon himself I told him he was just over extending himself and running the risk of burning out. Dude has already been in the hospital a few times and my ex in Detroit has been guilty of the same thing. Sometimes we place a lot on our tables because we are running from something. You can say its simply another outlet for coping yet stress and hypertension do not make for good companions.

Jonathan reached his breaking point when we were sitting in the car outside of a buffet place. We were about to go in. He just started to sob almost like he was laughing because he'd just received the call saying they had put his moms to rest. When I cry theres really not much noise but its a pain because of my nose running and my eyes burning then theres the inevitable headache that usually follows. Ugh. Jonathan took about 15 minutes to recover. I tried my best to comfort him. Was tempted to ask him if maybe going to this place wasn't such a good idea. Eventually he pulled out of it then we went inside. We stacked our plates then sat and talked for awhile. It was a Panda Express wannabe joint basically. Jonathan thought it was the same chain but theres a big difference in the quality of the food. A lot of the stuff there was fried too and I doubt they used vegetable oil but whatever. I'm trying to eat healthy these days. Jonathan put me on video chat with a family member and I tried to work on a go fund me campaign to help him cover the funeral expenses but no one gave anything. Had to try right? They had to transport his mother a distance and it was all pretty expensive. The American dollar has a lot of value over there though because from what I heard if it were here in the USA the funeral would have cost like a million bucks. Seriously. If I were living here I'd be able to really keep an eye on The Artist Formerly Known As The Crazy African (Yes he did once have a promising singing career) but for now I'm here for a short time with my cooking....my massages....washing his dishes and well....believe it or not sometimes just being there with someone when they are going through it is the equivalent of a million bucks.

(Added 8.24.2017)
The Crazy African and I had more adventures before I got back home in LA. While driving to Minneapolis we got a speeding ticket then when we finally got to Minneapolis we almost couldn't find a hotel. At the last minute when all hope seemed lost we went back to Hotel 6 when no one else had any rooms available (or they were all too high). Hotel 6 told us initially they didn't have anything but they worked a miracle and put us in room 133 which was a room outside which had a huge bathroom. The sink was slow as hell to drain and the room cost 85 bucks but we were desperate. At least we didn't smell cigarette smoke in the room. I really do miss Jonathan. He said I should move to Fargo and become his new best friend. Of course right now that isn't possible because I have so much to do and his daughters are coming. Perhaps in 2020 I can consider moving there. Well hopefully I will have enough money and be more able to freely travel. Gotta work more steadfast towards these goals. Probably most important of all is I need to more realistically pace myself....

The Birthday Vacation. 2017 Edition. (Radio version).

Part 1.

Last Wednesday I flew out to Minneapolis and Jonathan AKA "the Dangerous African" drove three hours from Fargo to pick me up from the airport. We spent the night in a hotel 6 then the plan was to drive back to Fargo the next day. I was pretty tired and would have probably stayed at any hotel at that point but Jonathan really didn't wanna stay at that particular hotel because the last time we did we smelled cigarette smoke the entire time even though we were supposed to be in a non-smoking area. There were also some questionable individuals lurking in the hallway. One even asked us for a light. This time around while I was about to take a shower I found a needle (like the kind people use to give drug injections) partially tucked near where the towels were. Also the water in the sink NEVER got hot and it also didn't drain. Jonathan was already fast asleep by that time but I didn't wanna stay in the room anymore for obvious reasons so I went downstairs to the front desk to get them to change our room. I really should have asked them to give us a discount because that was some crazy shit.

Just getting to Minneapolis from LA was its own adventure though. I had to go to my job to get my vacation pay which I'd requested in advance the week before. I'd been told the check would have been left at my job to pick up the night before when I came in to work but I think they forgot or something so having to come out to my job threw off my schedule and the LYFT I took got stuck in traffic. On top of that I had to rush and pack when I got home from getting the check. Ended up missing my plane and had to pay $100.00 to catch a later flight. That led to me having to spend 6 hours in the Dallas airport during a layover. Grrrrrrrr....

We didn't really do anything in Minneapolis the next day. We pretty much just got up and drove back to Fargo. Jonathan works like twenty jobs so his schedule is pretty full between that and going to the gym. He's been preparing the past year for his 3 daughters to arrive next month. This is like my third time visiting The Dangerous African. The first trip he had a different apartment. It wasn't a two bedroom like this one. Its amazing how cheap the rent is in other states compared to LA. You can actually do pretty good for yourself here if you have a nice job with benefits. Its really low key and relaxed too in this state. Its a republican state. I think I saw a celebrity in one of the local markets too. Might have been one of the chicks from Charmed. I don't really do the whole -starstruck ask you for an autograph thing- but I did do a double take when I almost bumped into her going around a corner trying to find the sinus medicine.

This trip would have probably been mostly uneventful. I mean....I'd planned to do alittle writing/drawing & probably go check out the zoo because I went online and read some reviews. Figured we'd go to Denny's for the free birthday grand slam and perhaps swing by one of the comic shops yet something happened that changed everything. It was something no one expected that just came right out of nowhere. Honestly I've been so stressed out over Daughters of legend and really weirded out over the fact I very nearly got into a fight with my investor weeks ago my nerves are shot and it might would do my brain some good to not think of anything for awhile. Well except video games and music I guess. As I sit here writing its raining outside and it perfectly suits my mood. Its been raining on and off the past few days. Not so much a downer. Rain just puts me in this ultra kickback mode mostly. Right now there are alot of emotions going on inside this mind. I like it here. I do wish I had money saved up and could afford to just get up and move here. Probably would simply not work for a few months. Seems as safe a place as any to learn how to drive too. Could certainly continue my work in film while living here but Jonathan is kinda hard to figure out you know? Its like he could be good relationship material but it really feels to me he's not ready. Maybe I'm not even ready? Then theres....well sometimes I just wonder if our differences in religious beliefs could cause problems. (Sigh) Dude is a handsome guy with the perfect laid back attitude towards life. He's a catch for sure and well when you are a catch people take notice. Thats just to say I'm aware he has a fan club. Then with his daughters coming soon he likely won't have time for a relationship especially in light of what just happened the other day....

Must have been Sunday evening when Jonathan called me from his job. I figured he was just checking in on me like he does sometimes but that wasn't the case. He'd just gotten a call informing him that his mother had passed away. I could hear pain in his voice. Jonathan's relationship with his mother always seemed to me like that of a woman who very much loved her son but maybe wasn't completely happy with some of his life choices. I never got the idea that they were close but she's been dealing with some illnesses. He told me she'd even had a bout with The Ebola. Her age was late 60's I believe. Jonathan is actually one of the strongest men I know. He may be The Strongest. Really. He held it all in and fought back the tears while having to effectively work a miracle because paying for his moms funeral expenses fell squarely on his shoulders. Why? Well because no one else did it and because thats just the kind of man he is. The burial process is different in  Africa than here in the USA in that it all pretty much happens in one day. The Dangerous African managed with some help from his church to pull it all off and then when the grief came bubbling to the surface I was able to comfort him. Its a good thing I did make my trip up here because I don't even want to imagine him having to deal with this alone.

(To KCRW)

Just got back in from the supermarket. Was originally planning to go to the donut shop but when I saw the line I changed my mind after standing there for about a minute even though i was behind this really handsome bro. So I went to the supermarket and ended up buying apples,chocolate donuts,strawberry lemonade,V-8,instant coffee,frozen mini chicken tacos,potato chips,one of those little snack packs with the celery,tomatos and ranch dip plus some ginger ale. Nearly dropped everything I was carrying until a cashier brought me a basket. The baskets used to be right by the door but since people started stealing them they moved them inside now where you can't always find them. I've seen other people asking where the baskets are too so its not just me. I got watched by the security guard there. This older black guy. Kinda out of shape and generally miserable looking. I swear it gets on my nerves at times that people seem to regard me as suspicious even though I would never steal anything. I did enough stealing in my childhood that its all out of my system now. But people don't know me. I'm a light skinned virtually bald BLACK man and like Ice Cube once said "I was born suspicious looking" Gotta learn to be at peace with what I think of me while not really caring what others think of me. What do I think of me? I think I'm a good guy. A good guy with hopes and dreams who struggles at times to see the potential for good in all people because some of them have really helped fuck me up in so many ways. Sometimes its really hard not to be disgusted by people because of the stupid things they do. Sometimes I gotta remind myself none of us are perfect and even the greatest among mankind once started out as savages or morons. I suppose the savage part of me was the part that enjoyed spraying bleach on the roach I killed in my bathroom....

Right now theres a guy outside screaming. I know who it is. Its this homeless mixed black guy. He used to sit outside in front of the building. He's scream periodically at odd times usually in the morning. Sounds alot like Bugs Bunny screaming in those cartoons. I may have seen him sleeping on a mattress. He's actually cute. Kinda reminds me of a guy who used to stay with me years ago. Cute. Brown skinned poetry in motion and somewhat perfect in all his imperfections. Dude had some mental issues too. We once went to the grocery store and he started having this panic attack. Way worse than what I experience. Of course I never did any kinds of drugs. At all. From my observation whether you take drugs for recreation or for your mental issues....well if you have mental issues it'll just make them worse over time or your body will suffer over time from the side/after effects. What I don't understand is what is it about my block or the building I work in that draws such "characters" There was a guy outside my job the other night literally changing his clothes in front of the building then he started dancing. (Sigh)

Right now I'm gonna binge watch some episodes of "The Originals" on my firestick. Used to catch them on Hulu if I missed the live broadcast but CW took all their stuff off Hulu and its all on the CW feed or CW app. The problem is all the older episodes are gone from this season and I missed them when they were available. I've no idea why the CW can't keep episodes of all their shows up on their own app. I'm sure I'll be up all night again. Couldn't sleep the other night so I ended up going to sleep late in the afternoon and I woke up late. "The Bryan" came by and took me to see "Wonder Woman" a few hours ago. Me I really enjoyed the movie. There were some parts that kinda dragged but before they got to be too bad some action would kick in. You got a pretty kick ass battle at the end. Just how strong is she supposed to be anyway??? I swear they are so inconsistent with her strength level at times. And apparently the movie version doesn't fly. She didn't in the tv show or in the Batman vs Superman movie. Looks like thats the version they're sticking with. Well "The Bryan" fell asleep during the film frequently. But thats him. He falls asleep on the phone with me all the time. He's an old man. Heh. We kinda got into an argument on the way to the movie because he wanted to park all the way across the street from the Grove and I was telling dude he could just get his movie ticket validated and it would be free parking. As great a guy as "The Bryan" is I told him if I ever got to meet his girlfriend I want to shake her hand because she would have to be a VERY strong woman to deal with his ultra aggressive masculine personality. He said she never sees that side of him. So why do I have to? I told him he would probably be the type to make you wanna chase him down the street with a butchers knife. He said he would be like "Come ON! Bring it on!" Thats because he's crazy. But I owe him alot. More than I can probably ever repay. So thats why I call him "The nice monster" Whenever you see "The Nice Monster Productions" in the end credits of my films thats him.

Speaking of my films. Right now the hunt continues to bring in someone to help  get things in order because the whole production for Daughters of Legend feels so chaotic and insane that I actually considered quitting a few times. I've never thought about dropping a project before. So the plan is to bring in someone to to basically take over the production side of things while I kinda step back from the project before I completely lose my mind. There was a person doing that for me before but he pretty much rage quit on me when things got tough. Yeah it does get crazy and I can understand where he was coming from now because I feel like I'm trying to climb up one of those hills in the new Zelda game but you can't really get  anywhere because its raining and thats making you slip down since you keep losing your grip. I have a few people who are candidates and its gonna cost to bring them on yet if it'll help save this film its an expense we can't (I can't) afford to NOT afford. We are set to go back into production next month. Right now the thing is just building the crew,creating storyboards,saving money and paying back those I OWE YOUs. We gotta lock down the locations as well. In a perfect world time could stop for six months then we could go back into production again. Because GOD knows how much we could do with six months worth of moolah. Thats the reason I wanted to launch more crowdfunding campaigns. Other campaigns in the past have failed but theres a secret weapon I've not really utilized to help me raise moolah for my projects. That secret weapon is the LGBT community and quite possibly powerful people within the black nerd community who are involved in the film industry. What I need is a lightning rod to draw people into wanting to support my vision. Right now Louiezilla is working on a trailer for Daughters of Legend then I wanted to have him do something for DragonManx. Could be we need to do a kick ass episode too to really showcase what we can do and could potentially do if we had a bigger budget.



A PECULIAR DREAM

In the dream that came after some self pleasure
you and I seemed to be
out on the town
I think it was
somewhere in Detroit
my future home I hope
and in the dream
we went to a gathering
a dinner party maybe
you seemed entertained
when I clapped along with the music
then we were in a room
I guess it was a bedroom because
we ended up in the bed when
out of the blue
all of a sudden
you just leaned forward to kiss me
took me by surprise
but everything after that
just felt
normal
like it was all unfolding
naturally
then I held on to you
held on to
the dark
strong hardness of your perfect
somewhat hairy(?)
form.
Then I saw there was no way
your other hardness would enter
me
not just because it was big
but it was
somewhat soft as well.
I made a joke about
having known it was
large but not really having any idea
it was THIS BIG.
It was right around that time I woke up
mostly relieved for some reason
it had all indeed been
merely a dream.

 

Some current events and some ramblings.

Had some more crazy incidents over the last few days. I honestly wonder whats going on with the world I live in. Last week a few muslim women were being insulted by this crazy white guy on a bus or train in Portland Oregon and when three other passengers came to their defense the crazy white guy looking very much the spitting image of a horror movie serial killer type commenced to stab all them. Of the three only one survived. One of the men stabbed was a veteran. Then just the other day three men drove a van thru a bridge in London plowing through people and after that they jumped out of the van to go on a stabbing spree. Some people in a restaurant were stabbed but the police arrived then shot all three dead. Radical muslims took resposibility for the attack. So now Donald Trump is trying to re-instate the travel ban he implemented months ago that was struck down after causing three days of chaos at airports all over. I can certainly understand his actions regarding this matter but I don't know that its necessarily the best idea. People are starting to get scared about going out to big crowded events and even going to the movies. Some believe we could have sleeper cells here in the US and basically the travel ban which specifically targets six muslim countries is to keep those of ill intent from entering the country or to limit their ability to move about freely thru the transportation system. Some years ago I was hooked on a show called "Sleeper Cell" I went out and bought the dvd set of season 1. The main villain of the show Oded Fehr is one of my favorite actors. He's a sexy middle eastern guy who has appeared in a few of the Resident Evil movies. The main character with the dreamy blue/green(?) eyes is another of my favorite actors. He's a brother named Michael Ealy.

Some of the problems with the travel ban:
It could create tension within the muslim community. I mean not all muslims hate us but being discriminating towards any group is just gonna create animosity and cause problems in the long run. The travel ban is kinda a subtle way of doing a witch hunt in my opinion.
There are some radicals who believe there will be some sort of a holy war where the rest of the world world will rise against the muslim religion and this travel ban certainly would create some bad blood. In fact it might even lead to some people becoming Isis supporters if they feel their backs are up against the wall. Of course if these attacks continue (and they most ceratinly will) people all over the world are eventually gonna just get tired of it and turn against the muslim religion anyway.  I find it hard to believe no one else hasn't realized this. If that happens then the muslim community will be either forced to go underground or possibly wiped out. That is unless they begin to police themselves before it comes to that. I think the muslim community has wised up because recently Qatar has seen other countries including Egypt and Saudi Arabia cut ties with it accusing it of supporting terrorism. Of course in a perfect world where everybody has common sense this type of thing would have happened years ago. The truth of the matter is the threat of radical type attacks will not go away for many generations to come and the future youth will have to deal with this shit as normalcy from here on out unless the muslim community pitches in to help. No more with the staying silent bullshit and I know some in the muslim communities have spoken out yet its not enough and needs to happen more before ALL of us lose more of our rights. Not just the muslim community is gonna be inconvenienced if they start putting video cameras everywhere and tapping our phones. I dread the thought of having to sit in long lines of traffic before being allowed into airports because vehicles are being checked before entry. Flying has already become a hassle since 911 what with the having to take off your shoes and belts then having your bags searched. You can't bring liquids on the planes anymore and people can't even wait at the terminals with you before you fly out. Its ridiculous but as terrible as this all seems it could get crazier if we have anymore big incidents. Imagine what could happen if they simply stop allowing people to travel with luggage altogether. Think that sounds insane? Well laptops are already forbidden in some airports now. We will gradually see many freedoms we take for granted stripped away from us if things continue the way that they are now.

No its not all doom and gloom with me or the world. Its just that things are changing so fast and getting so crazy I wish a space ship would come down and take me back to my home planet because this doesn't feel like it. Sometimes it gets to be a bit much. Especially when you have alot on your mind. Yesterday I had to call my mother to make sure she wasn't affected by a shooting that happened over there in Orlando. A week ago when I went to San Diego for a little visit the Uber or Lyft driver had to drop off some people in the skid row area downtown. I have never seen so many homeless people all congregated in one spot like that before. There were so many tents too. It looked as if I'd entered a campsite. So many people have nothing or are living in these terrible conditions. Then on the flip side we have so many who have so much money or power yet they really do much of nothing to help the situation. If every rich person gave a million dollars to organizations or just came together to create a movement to stamp out homelessness and hunger imagine the impact it would have. For all the awesomeness and wonder of humanity there is also this feeling in me that humanity has in so many ways failed itself and this world.

Had a pretty bad run in a few days ago with a young lady over at the youth center. I was working there;filling in for another officer currently on vacation. It was a nasty scene that shouldn't have happened yet it did make me wonder just what the hell am I still doing working here when I keep constantly questioning if I still have it in me to continue being a security guard. Its a high risk job. Its thankless. People often ignore you or look down on you even though in the event something happens you are the one who will come to save their asses. Sometimes theres on the job politics and then you have to deal with so many personality types even when working the night shift. Its stressful and I worry my nerves have just worn thin from the years of being here. But its not just my job. Its everything sometimes. Sometimes I feel like if I could simply go away somewhere for about two or three months I could come back refreshed and ready to face everything. This kid was really laying into the youth counselor so I tried to step in to help resolve the situation then that negative energy transfered to me then next thing I know I'm there yelling with the girl because she went off on me when I politely asked her to lower her voice. I feel crazy so much of the time but interestingly enough its usually only when other people are around that I really understand my crazy might be trumped by the crazy of the masses. I try to avoid stressful situations still there are times you can't keep it away entirely. Some security guards have had to deal with worse situations than me though. Some have been spit on. Some have been punched and beaten up literally. I've heard some pretty crazy stories. I guess all I can do is maintain awareness at all times while continuously working on my dreams and praying that the day is fast approaching when I will be able to transition into a job which doesn't feel like a job. Something that although theres work involved I will be challenged creatively whilst being surrounded by others who understand and elevate me. How cool would it be to have co-workers that you can actually share a friendship with outside of the workplace? How cool would it be to feel like you're not on the bottom of the food chain because there is no bottom of the food chain? How cool would it be to be able to go to sleep when ever you want to and not because you have a set work schedule to worry about? Other people complain to me about their jobs. So few are really trying to do anything to get out of the trap though. The way out is to be working on a way to have your money work for you and not to have to work for your money. In a perfect world everyone would want to be financially independent.

Just watched "Split". It was a pretty cool movie. Things are quiet here at the job. Its a holiday weekend so the maintenance aren't even here this morning. Theres another guard here as usual. Theres a cute white guy outside in his car. I went out to check because the lights were on in his vehicle and I wanted to make sure he was okay as he was out there for awhile. He's laid back in his car. Buried in his cellphone. Basically. Like so many other people these days. How in the world can you walk around texting someone almost constantly? But I don't judge. Its just a sign of the times how disconnected folks are from everything.  Now getting back to "Split"I really enjoyed the suspenseful nature of the film and the topic of multiple personalities is an intriguing one. I was kinda interested in seeing the film when it first came out but when I heard theres a connection with Nights film "Unbreakable" I knew I had to see it. "Unbreakable" is one of my favorite films ever. I think "Highlander" is the only film I like more. In case you haven't seen either of these films "Highlander" is about a guy named Conner who discovers he's immortal and he is destined to do battle with another immortal (Kurgan)  who is evil. Conners thing is he is scared to let anyone come into his life because its too painful seeing them grow old and die. So for all his power,knowledge (and incredibly expensive antique collection!) Conner is a pretty sad person since he's lost so many over the years. He is also one of the only two immortals left alive since Kurgan killed all the others. The film has some breathtaking cinematography. Its also cool the crew went to Scotland to shoot it. They also built a freaking castle! Also I love the sword fights. The immortals all fight with swords as they can only be killed by beheading. The immortal doing the beheading absorbs all the power and knowledge from the one he kills. Highlander went on to become a pop cultural phenomena. It spawned five movies. Two tv shows. Novels. Cartoons. Videogames. T-Shirts. Music collections. Clothes. Comic books. So yeah it was and still is a hot property. Supposedly a remake is in the works. "Unbreakable" is about a security guard who with help from his son discovers he has super powers. He's amazingly strong and pretty much indestructible. He survives a train crash with not even a scratch. He can also touch people and absorb information about them. Water seems to be his "Kryptonite". I'm not so big on water myself. "Unbreakable" was in my opinion Night Shyamalans best film. Ever. I enjoyed "Sixth Sense" like so many others but kinda felt it was a bit overrated. Anyway I am always scared when people make sequels to things that were perfect. All the other films Night did were okay. A few were just not so okay. Although I am probably the only person in the world who enjoyed "Last Airbender" even though he cast a little white kid when he clearly should have used a Chinese kid. The little white kid was pretty good with his kung fu though.... "Split" dealt with a guy with 24 multiple personalities who took three girls hostage with the intent to eat two of them he considered unworthy. The supernatural twist is that he can actually gain different traits from each personality thats dominant. Super strength. Healing. Sticking to walls like Spider-man. He also has some of Supermans invulnerability as well apparently. At the end of "Split" you discover its actually a sequel to "Unbreakable". Now I have been hearing talk of a sequel for years yet it seemed it wasn't gonna happen. You know kinda like how that "Kill Bill" sequel probably won't ever happen even though Tarantino said he was gonna do one YEARS ago.

Posted a new episode of my "DragonManx" webseries hours ago. Not gonna lie because after I watched it I was kinda mad at some of my bad acting and some of the effects were not as good as I would have liked. Still it just inspired me to make a better episode the next time around which might be sooner than later. I might as well work on something else right now since I can't do anything "Daughters of Legend" related until I can raise more moolah. I think maybe this week Ima try to get some of the cast together so we can work on our scenes. Also gotta work on that chemistry thing. Its a pet peeve of mine that I don't like going a month without working on a film project in some capacity. I'm meeting with a writer this week by the way. A woman writer actually who is gonna help me on the script as well as in producing the SonsofLegend full length film. I am gonna meet today with a guy who I've known for awhile now regarding production on the "SonsofLegend" full length project as well. Next month and in July a couple of other guys are gonna meet up with me too. Right now they are out of town on gigs. Been assembling quite a team for SOL. Its gonna be something else. Hopefully I can still utilize some of the footage I already had shot in Michigan. The big thing I have to worry about at the moment is getting the money for these projects. So I'm gonna be working on getting a press package of sorts together. Need to get some artwork done. Need a teaser trailer. Already came up with a concept while in San Diego. Would also like to do some kind of a photo shoot with the cast in costumes. Now you see why I need production assistance right? I need a production partner to help me carry the load. So yeah theres that. Maybe dude I'm meeting up with today can do that. Hopefully he won't be too spread out with other projects though. Will probably go back to Michigan in June to shoot more scenes for DM or SOL. I think its safe to say its time I start strongly considering getting my own film equipment too to save moolah....

DragonManx. Season 2 Episode 5. Remixed version coming soon.

Doing some changes to this version because I noticed some things that bothered me.   The part where Phillip says "When did you learn how to fly" and also my audio near the end where I say "I'm coming to save you!"


           

Went to San Diego for a few days and just got back in town yesterday. It was one of those I gotta get out of town before I totally lose my mind kinda things. I guess. So much on my mind at times it feels like the world is falling out from under me. So I caught a greyhound Thursday almost at the last minute really. A buddy of mine came into San Diego on business and we've been chatting for like two years and shit so we'd planned to meet up. I was on the fence about going because part of me really just wanted to stay home. I keep saying I'm gonna clean up my cluttered apartment but that has yet to happen on the scale it needs to. Plus I really needed to do my laundry. Laundry is something I'd put off for awhile but the fact I was running out of socks and underwear made it more of a priority. The night before my trip I barely got to sleep and I had to take sleeping pills to get me there. Had to basically pry myself away from the PS4 because of a level in DOOM I'm STILL stuck on. Seems the AI has determined its going to make sure I don't advance any further in the game. Sucks. Anyway I'd taken some sleeping pills to make sure I could sleep. Even set the alarm on the cell phone. Cell phone no longer rings unless a speaker is plugged into it. Don't know why or how that happened. Seems the speakers just up and died or something. The plan was to wake up around 8am,shower,shave,brush the teeth then do my laundry at 10am and be out the door by 12noon. Woke up on time but decided to lay there for awhile and ended up waking up around 12:30pm! It was a very near thing....me canceling the trip altogether yet in the end the idea of taking a break from LA won over. By the time everything was done it was around 4pmish when an UBER arrived to pick me up. When we arrived at the greyhound station there were about three people in the line in front of me. Some were taking totally too long as they talked with the clerk. I was starting to get worried because I heard someone say over the loud speaker that the San Diego bus was about to leave at 5pm. The time was around 4:47pmish. Had to run to the bus after getting my ticket. If I'd been ten minutes later getting to the station I probably would have missed that bus and maybe the wait would have been an hour.

The bus ride to San Diego was pretty peaceful and uneventful. Although I did pass by a cool looking costume shop on route. Should have written down the damn address. Ugh. We need costumes for the Daughters of Legend short film.  Had two whole seats to myself the whole trip. Sat my backpack next to me on the floor. It was one of those huge sporty type backpacks. I'd packed a few articles of clothing. Enough for two days and back up for an extra day. Because you never know if Godzilla will attack the city you're visiting and you will be stuck in some underground bunker waiting for things to calm down. Best not to do that with stinky underwear.... Had some toothpaste. A toothbrush. Antiperspirant. Q-tips. Tissue in case of a snot attack. Then theres the gadgets. My PS4. My PS Vita. The Kindle. The iPad. Phone (of course even though I'm thinking of getting rid of a phone altogether) and there was some snacks. An apple (which really saved me from starvation!) A soda. Had cords, chargers and cables for everything too. Thank GOD that the companies mostly use universal cords and chargers. Well except for Apple. Grrrr. Damn proprietary shit. Fucked up greedy ass companies man. Ugh anyway.... Mostly I just listened to music on my iPad or watched some Netflix. Thankfully Netflix now allows you to download stuff to watch offline in case you have sucky internet. Like on the bus and at the station! Watched a show called "Travelers" about a few people from the future who come back to jack people's bodies right before they die then they basically make sure certain things proceed in the time stream. Its an interesting show. And yes there are black people in it. Thank GOD. Theres also one particularly cute brotha although he's kind of a jerk. Well he is a jerk because he beats on his wifey. Jerk city. Jerkopulis.

It was 8pmish when we reached San Diego. I called a guy I'd befriended on a popular gay date site. I'll call him "E". He's a SD resident. He'd checked around for me for reasonably priced hotels in the area. The plan was to meet up with him for dinner then I was gonna go meet my visiting buddy. I'll call him "S".  The wi-fi was so bad at the greyhound station (or was it just my tablet?) I couldn't use the Apps to summon UBER or LYFT. See I don't have a smart phone. I only have my wi-fi enabled devices for the internet. My phone is actually quite outdated to be honest. Ended up walking across the street to a taxi. He directed me to another parked taxi. The trip to a nearby motel 6 cost me about $15.00. An UBER or LYFT would have been alot less. Especially if I took the pool option. Thats where you share a ride with other passengers and the cost is split. The bus ride cost $33.00 by the way. So I get to the motel. Had to wait in line for a bit because someone was asking for help with the wi-fi. Turns out you get only one wi-fi code for one device. You likely have to pay extra for another code. Got a room. Asked for a non smoking area. Funny thing is the whole time I was in the room I smelled smoke. Not sure if it was the room itself or maybe it was coming from somewhere else. Opening the window was the only time I stopped smelling it. Really should have took the clerk up on it when she offered me another room. You know. Eventually the smell gave me a headache. "E" came to the motel to meet me. He didn't really look much like his photos. In the photos he appeared to be at least ten to fifteen years younger. Also he was in better shape. Dude claimed his pics were recent but theres just NO WAY. And no he wasn't ugly or fugly. I just didn't find him to be attractive at all. He told me he was 54. It was likely he was 64. Around 5 feet 8. My height. Maybe more meat on his bones than me. Short hair. Kinda brown skinned. Darker than how he looked in the photos he'd sent. Not that that matters to me. Dark,light,brown or inbetween it doesn't really matter. Although darker guys seem to have an edge in the hotness department. But....yeah. So "E" came over by UBER or LYFT and we walked over to check out some of the food places in the downtown area. After we walked around for a bit I decided upon a place that would probably have something on the menu I'd like. Hard Rock Cafe was the choice. The place was about to close but they let us in. He ordered the same as me. These really delicious Maui Maui tacos that came with a variety of sauces. We sat and talked for awhile then we caught a LYFT back to the motel. Things got a bit awkward because dude kept talking about how horny he was. He also was acting as if he didn't wanna leave even though he kept saying how early he had to get up in the morning. He did eventually take off. About an hour later I'd say. I suppose he'd planned to spend the night since he'd brought some things with him in a sorta duffle bag whatyamacallit. But there was just no way because I wasn't feeling him like that you know?

I spent the night alone. "S" was too tired and I'd have to wait to see him in the morning. "S" is a pretty cool guy and he's certainly attractive. For the record. I was not looking to have sex with him. I mean we could have done the cuddle thing. Its been a long time since I've really been able to do that with anyone. Its that one therapeutic thing I probably need more than anything and guys just want to skip straight to the sex without it. Maybe thats why "S" thinks I'm like that. Why do I say that? This is the second time he's made it clear I'd be sleeping on the couch if I ever came thru for a visit on one of his trips. I will say it does make me feel alittle weird that someone assumes I wanna have sex and will make a move on them because thats what plenty of other gay men would do. Its something to be lumped into a group like that. Then again maybe you really shouldn't trust anyone. Maybe me and "S" are not even sexually compatible? Maybe his religious beliefs and his career aspirations make it impossible for him to go there with anyone at this moment in time. I can relate. Sometimes I think I'm probably gonna be rich and famous before I ever have sex again with a guy. Seems the energy to make it happen just isn't quite there. Makes it hard when you look around and see the competition. With their perfect bodies. Perfect jobs. Perfect cars. Perfect college degrees. Mostly I feel because I'm not that perfect thing so many of these gay men want I just don't stand a chance and then the part of my brain that does care it just....goes dormant. Every now and then the courage to try and believe in hope surfaces and I'll go on a date site looking for something but all I see is muscles,dicks,asses in my face. Its like a big meat market now and because I value how we used to value each other before things changed....well because of that somethings wrong with me. I'm corny or people run away because my capacity to love, to want or to be more than a sex machine....quite frankly it scares the hell out of them. Yeah I admit I have some issues but when I look around I realize now that most of these mother fuckers have issues that make mine pale in comparison. When did the whole gay dating world go to shit? When did it all go to hell? Because thats what it feels like when you are surrounded by a bunch of people beautiful on the outside but damaged so much on the inside they no longer believe in love. Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink indeed. I predict "S" will go on to acheive great things. He might even as I've joked one day become President. Yet there might come a time when some sort of loneliness catches up with him. He may find as I did it was a mistake keeping some folks at arms length. It could have been magic. I guess. So many of us run from magic for so many various reasons. So many of us run from so many various things for so many various reasons.

Morning came but not quickly enough. Was up till about 4am playing DOOM. Head was hurting. Took some advil. Had to open the window to get rid of the smokey smell. Even if it did make the room a bit chilly. Just a bit. Finally went to bed yet sleep came in spurts. Yeah me was miserable. A city called misery. Miseryopolis. Couldn't risk a sleeping pill because it would have mixed with the advil. All in all I must have gotten about 2 hours sleep. No joke. Who can sleep when you can't get comfortable since you are tossing and turning attempting to find a position where the pain in your head doesn't seem to get more aggravated? Lawd. Quickly got up at 8am. Showered. Brushed the teeth. Everything was charged. Was packed ready and out the door in an hour because "S" let me know that instead of breakfast starting at 10am as I'd originally thought it actually was ending at 10am. Caught an Uber after having to deal with the damn app repeatedly crashing. The clerk called a cab for me which arrived right at the time the Uber app decided to finally work. The ride to the hotel was pretty cool. Had good conversation with the driver. Usually that happens unless I get one of those no talking types or just an asshole. That happens sometimes.  Hey people aren't required to speak with me. I can tell when someone doesn't want to be bothered and I know how to zip it. Sometimes people are racist,homophobic or theres a language barrier. Regardless alot of the time people like to talk. Maybe that type of job tends to attract more socially adept folks? Dunno. So anyhow...had to walk thru a crowded ass lobby to get to the elevator so I could meet "S" upstairs in his room. Gotta tell you about me and crowds. Its something akin to walking thru a firing squad when you've got bad nerves. You wanna run and hide because you feel everyone is looking at you. Lady Gaga says getting rid of her crazy would stunt her creativity. Its a part of who you are she says but on some days you really really wish you could quiet the crazy. "S" was happy to see me. We gave a little cordial hug. Complete with the patting action. Then we went downstairs. Needed to stand in line for the waffles which we had to make ourselves. I managed to make a mess because you have to fill a little cup with the batter then you pour it into the hot iron thingie which I knocked over spilling half my batter. Relax none got on the floor. It was all contained in a little area of the device no doubt created for folks like me. Still can't believe that happened. Wasn't much of a waffle left to tell you the truth after "S" came to my rescue. He quickly flipped the waffle machine thing over before all my batter could seep out. Yeah it was somewhat embarrassing. On some levels I might be some sort of a genius yet sometimes the simplest of things can trip me up. Probably looked like "a damned fool" to "S'. Perhaps on the inside he was laughing at the whole thing. Me? Disappearing at that moment in time would have been a gift. I was so nervous I just poured some caramel syrup on the mutant waffle and then proceeded to pile bacon,eggs,potatoes and a danish on it. Yeah it was a socially awkward moment for me. Maybe its natural to be nervous around someone you like? I mean to say

"S" is cute. He's tall. Taller than I thought. Around 6 feet 3. He has a kinda stocky somewhat muscular build. He's brown skinned. Has a beard with his mustache. And its not likely anyone in his family knows he's gay. Or bi. Or however he chooses to identify. Its his business. We talked as we ate breakfast. Some political stuff. Some videogame stuff. He'd left his own PS4 Pro back at his place before he came to San Diego as it was raining at the time and he didn't wanna risk it getting wet. When we got back to his room I just plopped right down on the bed and promptly entered some sort of food coma. Shortly after "S" had to head out and I called a LYFT to take me to the greyhound station. Had a cute Uber driver. He was a young man who was racially ambiguous. If I had to guess I'd say he was possibly white mixed with black. We talked alot (or I did) about videogames. He is a gamer. Around 24ish. Think he said either he or a family member had a Nintendo Switch. He's into comics a bit too. But he's really behind in alot of the stuff thats happening now. It was really something to try and explain how crazy and convoluted Marvel and DC comics have gotten lately let me tell you. But DAMN was he cute!  And when I got to the station the wait was about 30 minutes after getting a ticket. It was like 28 dollars. 5 less than the trip from LA. Also I was surprised when the cute mixed brotha asked to check my backpack as they'd not done so in LA. Actually its a bit alarming they don't in LA. On the way back I kinda slept between listening to music and watching Netflix. Played some videogames and read some comics. A kinda cute hispanic kid asked me if he could sit next to me. I told him sure and tired to keep an eye out for that costume shop on the way. All I know is it was Halloween something. Maybe Halloween Outlet? Dunno. But I like the costumes I saw in the display case outside as we'd driven by on the way to SD.

The trip back to downtown LA took like an hour longer than it was supposed to. Holiday weekend traffic. (tomorrow is Memorial Day). As usual I couldn't get the wi-fi to work at the stupid station, Ended up taking the MTA bus to the MTA train station as there was NO WAY I was gonna spend $25 dollars on a cab. Thats how much the driver told me when I approached. On the bus ride to the train station an Asian lady got into an accident in her car as another vehicle collided with hers. The driver tried to leave the scene like an idjit but since traffic really wasn't moving he was only able to get about a block away. The lady simply jumped out of her car to chase him down. I caught the train at 7th and Metro to the Wilshire and Vermont station. Stopped thru Gamestop on the way. Was mostly looking for a Vita memory card. They didn't have any. The cards are also WAY expensive. Sony should be ashamed of the price of these things. Proprietary shit. You can't use regular SD cards like um....everything else. Stopped at Chipotle. Got home. Had to pay my director and editor moolah I owe them for my projects so they scooped me up for a quick drive to the bank. Got back home and rested a bit before it was UBER time again for work. Did some thinking though. About my projects. Thinking about some of the things I came up with in SD too. Ideas. Concepts. Conversations I've had with some folks about making some changes. Gonna have to look into taking out a loan to help me finance this stuff. No way around it because even with an investor helping things are moving too slow and at this rate it will take another year to get these babies done. Kickstarter or any crowdfunding campaigns seem like a waste of time as they haven't worked for me. But thats something to worry about later. Got some meetings coming up and even more big decisions to make like where am I gonna be living at this time next year and what am I gonna do about my feelings for a certain person living in North Dakota. How much longer can I continue working a regular type job? Let me say if you see me walking and I look mad I'm probably not. More than likely its just that theres alot on my mind and I could use a hug. I think we all could use a hug sometimes.

So yeah I get to work last night to find out the other guard called in sick apparently therefore I worked alone after 11pm. An event was just wrapping up. There were quite a few folks still left on site too. They fed me though. So that was good. Pasta and a salad. Afterwards had to chase off crazy drag queen trans prostitutes. Stopped a few folks from having sex in front of the building. Felt bad because I wasn't able to feed the cat that hangs out onsite. Got partially startled by a little person who was painting in the gallery which no one bothered to tell me he was even in there! Then I got a sobering reminder of what happened in Orlando last year when I came across a cool little memorial someone made in remembrance of the victims who died needlessly at the hands of that madman. Don't like to speak ill of the dead but man everytime I think of that shit the anger wounds just open back up again. Crazy people trying to kill us for being Black. Crazy people trying to kill us for being gay. Crazy people who hate me/us for being....different. Nothing wrong with being crazy. Lots of good crazy people after all. But when crazy is used for evil it creates a special kind of evil in my opinion. Nothing more dangerous than the bad guy who actually believes he's doing the right thing. Except maybe the crazy good guy who has to stop them. I guess. Thats me. The crazy good guy. Sometimes my super power is also the source of my pain. My kryptonite or....my Vervain then.

(Listening to Al Jarreau and other slow jam jazzy type stuff....)

So a few days ago we witnessed more insane mindless human cruelty. After an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester England, right as the people were leaving, a young man of Libyan descent detonated himself killing 22 innocent concertgoers. Seems we get on with our lives after things like this happen and then just as we are getting comfortable thinking maybe the world isn't so bad as we recover from all the mental scars of life BOOM out of nowhere something happens again and....
and we go back to being scared,angry,miserable or in some cases you feel numb because now this shit happens so much it has become almost normal enough not to generate much of a reaction from us.

Earlier at work (a few hours ago) while walking around doing a patrol I felt those returning yet always present emotions rushing to the surface again as I noticed here in the gallery a memorial that was created for the victims of the Florida nightclub shooting last year. 49 people lost their lives and it was for no reason. Well I guess there was a reason. Pure blind and unreasoning hatred wanted to lash out and make others feel that same pain. They say he was a closeted gay or bi guy himself. He wasn't ugly. And he certainly wasn't stupid because alot of thought went into his devious actions. Here was a guy who could have gone to school and gotten a nice career going for himself. With his looks and outward masculine wiles he could have had his choice of many mates male or female. Yet he chose to infiltrate as well as investigate a culture with intent to kill and cause dissent or confusion. Then he pledges allegiance to radical islamists. Its pretty insane to me that so many Middle Eastern men are killing themselves in the name of something like religion or deities they worship. I often wonder how much good they could actually do with the money and resources they waste on this shit if they chose to contribute something that could help the human race. Instead they will be remembered as lunatics who left behind a legacy that no one seems able to wipe out. Someone told me the other day that the only solution is to just let it just play itself out. Basically he feels that eventually with time there will come reasoning and education along with a willingness to abandon such horrific ways of thinking. Everytime one of these persons does something it makes the news. Gives them some attention. Makes them feel they are serving a being or beings and it has been said a collective consciousness can actually give life to something bigger than a people. When people get together and pray they can actually heal someone who is ailing. Wouldn't it be something if there really was a being who was being kept alive soley by feeding off the crazy thought energy being generated from causing all these mass killings? When we worship people we certainly give them power don't we?  We pretty much give power to anything we worship. Our power.

People do bad things. Sometimes they come for us in our weakest most vulnerable moments. Attempting to stir up the nest. Sometimes its out of jealousy. Sometimes they can't let go of the past. And when we react....panicking....afraid to live our lives it really is like in a way we are worshipping them because we are giving them power. When we talk about them it means they exist. When we write about them it means they exist too I guess. Theres not really anyway to ignore whats right in front of us especially when it comes for you constantly in the night when theres noone around to help or understand. Sometimes the enemy becomes brave or smart enough to attack you in plain sight when people are around yet they have learned so well to do what they do one can even feel alone in the company of others. So now I understand why it is that bullying has such an allure to many.  Terrorism is just that then?

Why else would some strange person in or from a far off land want to kill me? Has the government of the land I live in done something shadey to anger these people? If that is the case then on the behalf of all of us I would like to apologize because like so many others I'm tired of seeing on the news this insanity. I am afraid that the end result will be like that one dream of me running from one corner of the world for the rest of my days trying to get away from the destruction of mankind constantly trying to destroy itself. With me being stuck in the middle of conflicts I neither understand nor wish to be a part of. We are tired of being angry. Tired of having to bury our loved ones who should have lived to a ripe old age. We are sick of this chaos. Sick of watching kids having their innocence stolen as they are shaped into freaking weapons missiles dying burning fragments acrid ashes blowing in a wind building building into a tornado swirling red bloodied body parts and lost hopes solutions loves never to be realized as they were ripped away into upwards into the heavens before they even truly learned to run or walk upon this earth. You are making all of us ALL of us out to be prodigal children.



(ARIANA GRANDE'S LETTER....)

My heart, prayers and deepest condolences are with the victims of the Manchester Attack and their loved ones.
There is nothing I or anyone can do to take away the pain you are feeling or to make this better. However, I extend my hand and heart and everything I possibly can give to you and yours, should you want or need my help in any way.
The only thing we can do now is choose how we let this affect us and how we will live our lives from here on out.
I have been thinking of my fans, and of you all, non stop over the past week. The way you have handled all of this has been more inspiring and made me more proud than you’ll ever know. The compassion, kindness, love, strength, and oneness that you’ve shown one another this past week is the exact opposite of the heinous intentions it must take to pull off something as evil as what happened Monday.
YOU are the opposite.
I am sorry for the pain and fear that you must be feeling and for the trauma that you, too, must be experiencing.
We will never be able to understand why events like this take place because it is not in our nature, which is why we shouldn’t recoil.
We will not quit or operate in fear.
We won’t let this divide us.
We won’t let hate win.
I don’t want to go the rest of the year without being able to hold and uplift my fans, the same way they continue to uplift me.
Our response to this violence must be to come closer together, to help each other, to love more, to sing louder and to live more kindly and generously than we did before.
I’ll be returning to the incredibly brave city of Manchester to spend time with my fans and to have a benefit concert in honor of and to raise money for the victims and their families. I want to thank my fellow musicians and friends for reaching out to be a part of our expression of love for Manchester. I will have details to share with you as soon as everything is confirmed.
From the day we stared putting the Dangerous Woman Tour together, I said that this show, more than anything else, was intended to be asafe space for my fans. A place for them to excape, to celebrate, to heal, to feel safe and to be themselves. To meet their friends they’ve made online. To express themselves.
This will not change that.
When you look into the audience at my shows, you see a beautiful, diverse, pure, happy crowd. Thousands of people, incredibly different, all there for the same reason, music.
Music is something that everyone on Earth can share.
Music is meant to heal us, to bring us together, to make us happy.
So that is what it will continue to do for us.
We will continue in honor of the ones we lost, their loved ones, my fans and all affected by this tragedy.
They will be on my mind and in my heart everyday and I will think of them with everything I do for the rest of my life.
Ari.