Went to San Diego for a few days and just got back in town yesterday. It was one of those I gotta get out of town before I totally lose my mind kinda things. I guess. So much on my mind at times it feels like the world is falling out from under me. So I caught a greyhound Thursday almost at the last minute really. A buddy of mine came into San Diego on business and we've been chatting for like two years and shit so we'd planned to meet up. I was on the fence about going because part of me really just wanted to stay home. I keep saying I'm gonna clean up my cluttered apartment but that has yet to happen on the scale it needs to. Plus I really needed to do my laundry. Laundry is something I'd put off for awhile but the fact I was running out of socks and underwear made it more of a priority. The night before my trip I barely got to sleep and I had to take sleeping pills to get me there. Had to basically pry myself away from the PS4 because of a level in DOOM I'm STILL stuck on. Seems the AI has determined its going to make sure I don't advance any further in the game. Sucks. Anyway I'd taken some sleeping pills to make sure I could sleep. Even set the alarm on the cell phone. Cell phone no longer rings unless a speaker is plugged into it. Don't know why or how that happened. Seems the speakers just up and died or something. The plan was to wake up around 8am,shower,shave,brush the teeth then do my laundry at 10am and be out the door by 12noon. Woke up on time but decided to lay there for awhile and ended up waking up around 12:30pm! It was a very near thing....me canceling the trip altogether yet in the end the idea of taking a break from LA won over. By the time everything was done it was around 4pmish when an UBER arrived to pick me up. When we arrived at the greyhound station there were about three people in the line in front of me. Some were taking totally too long as they talked with the clerk. I was starting to get worried because I heard someone say over the loud speaker that the San Diego bus was about to leave at 5pm. The time was around 4:47pmish. Had to run to the bus after getting my ticket. If I'd been ten minutes later getting to the station I probably would have missed that bus and maybe the wait would have been an hour.

The bus ride to San Diego was pretty peaceful and uneventful. Although I did pass by a cool looking costume shop on route. Should have written down the damn address. Ugh. We need costumes for the Daughters of Legend short film.  Had two whole seats to myself the whole trip. Sat my backpack next to me on the floor. It was one of those huge sporty type backpacks. I'd packed a few articles of clothing. Enough for two days and back up for an extra day. Because you never know if Godzilla will attack the city you're visiting and you will be stuck in some underground bunker waiting for things to calm down. Best not to do that with stinky underwear.... Had some toothpaste. A toothbrush. Antiperspirant. Q-tips. Tissue in case of a snot attack. Then theres the gadgets. My PS4. My PS Vita. The Kindle. The iPad. Phone (of course even though I'm thinking of getting rid of a phone altogether) and there was some snacks. An apple (which really saved me from starvation!) A soda. Had cords, chargers and cables for everything too. Thank GOD that the companies mostly use universal cords and chargers. Well except for Apple. Grrrr. Damn proprietary shit. Fucked up greedy ass companies man. Ugh anyway.... Mostly I just listened to music on my iPad or watched some Netflix. Thankfully Netflix now allows you to download stuff to watch offline in case you have sucky internet. Like on the bus and at the station! Watched a show called "Travelers" about a few people from the future who come back to jack people's bodies right before they die then they basically make sure certain things proceed in the time stream. Its an interesting show. And yes there are black people in it. Thank GOD. Theres also one particularly cute brotha although he's kind of a jerk. Well he is a jerk because he beats on his wifey. Jerk city. Jerkopulis.

It was 8pmish when we reached San Diego. I called a guy I'd befriended on a popular gay date site. I'll call him "E". He's a SD resident. He'd checked around for me for reasonably priced hotels in the area. The plan was to meet up with him for dinner then I was gonna go meet my visiting buddy. I'll call him "S".  The wi-fi was so bad at the greyhound station (or was it just my tablet?) I couldn't use the Apps to summon UBER or LYFT. See I don't have a smart phone. I only have my wi-fi enabled devices for the internet. My phone is actually quite outdated to be honest. Ended up walking across the street to a taxi. He directed me to another parked taxi. The trip to a nearby motel 6 cost me about $15.00. An UBER or LYFT would have been alot less. Especially if I took the pool option. Thats where you share a ride with other passengers and the cost is split. The bus ride cost $33.00 by the way. So I get to the motel. Had to wait in line for a bit because someone was asking for help with the wi-fi. Turns out you get only one wi-fi code for one device. You likely have to pay extra for another code. Got a room. Asked for a non smoking area. Funny thing is the whole time I was in the room I smelled smoke. Not sure if it was the room itself or maybe it was coming from somewhere else. Opening the window was the only time I stopped smelling it. Really should have took the clerk up on it when she offered me another room. You know. Eventually the smell gave me a headache. "E" came to the motel to meet me. He didn't really look much like his photos. In the photos he appeared to be at least ten to fifteen years younger. Also he was in better shape. Dude claimed his pics were recent but theres just NO WAY. And no he wasn't ugly or fugly. I just didn't find him to be attractive at all. He told me he was 54. It was likely he was 64. Around 5 feet 8. My height. Maybe more meat on his bones than me. Short hair. Kinda brown skinned. Darker than how he looked in the photos he'd sent. Not that that matters to me. Dark,light,brown or inbetween it doesn't really matter. Although darker guys seem to have an edge in the hotness department. But....yeah. So "E" came over by UBER or LYFT and we walked over to check out some of the food places in the downtown area. After we walked around for a bit I decided upon a place that would probably have something on the menu I'd like. Hard Rock Cafe was the choice. The place was about to close but they let us in. He ordered the same as me. These really delicious Maui Maui tacos that came with a variety of sauces. We sat and talked for awhile then we caught a LYFT back to the motel. Things got a bit awkward because dude kept talking about how horny he was. He also was acting as if he didn't wanna leave even though he kept saying how early he had to get up in the morning. He did eventually take off. About an hour later I'd say. I suppose he'd planned to spend the night since he'd brought some things with him in a sorta duffle bag whatyamacallit. But there was just no way because I wasn't feeling him like that you know?

I spent the night alone. "S" was too tired and I'd have to wait to see him in the morning. "S" is a pretty cool guy and he's certainly attractive. For the record. I was not looking to have sex with him. I mean we could have done the cuddle thing. Its been a long time since I've really been able to do that with anyone. Its that one therapeutic thing I probably need more than anything and guys just want to skip straight to the sex without it. Maybe thats why "S" thinks I'm like that. Why do I say that? This is the second time he's made it clear I'd be sleeping on the couch if I ever came thru for a visit on one of his trips. I will say it does make me feel alittle weird that someone assumes I wanna have sex and will make a move on them because thats what plenty of other gay men would do. Its something to be lumped into a group like that. Then again maybe you really shouldn't trust anyone. Maybe me and "S" are not even sexually compatible? Maybe his religious beliefs and his career aspirations make it impossible for him to go there with anyone at this moment in time. I can relate. Sometimes I think I'm probably gonna be rich and famous before I ever have sex again with a guy. Seems the energy to make it happen just isn't quite there. Makes it hard when you look around and see the competition. With their perfect bodies. Perfect jobs. Perfect cars. Perfect college degrees. Mostly I feel because I'm not that perfect thing so many of these gay men want I just don't stand a chance and then the part of my brain that does care it just....goes dormant. Every now and then the courage to try and believe in hope surfaces and I'll go on a date site looking for something but all I see is muscles,dicks,asses in my face. Its like a big meat market now and because I value how we used to value each other before things changed....well because of that somethings wrong with me. I'm corny or people run away because my capacity to love, to want or to be more than a sex machine....quite frankly it scares the hell out of them. Yeah I admit I have some issues but when I look around I realize now that most of these mother fuckers have issues that make mine pale in comparison. When did the whole gay dating world go to shit? When did it all go to hell? Because thats what it feels like when you are surrounded by a bunch of people beautiful on the outside but damaged so much on the inside they no longer believe in love. Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink indeed. I predict "S" will go on to acheive great things. He might even as I've joked one day become President. Yet there might come a time when some sort of loneliness catches up with him. He may find as I did it was a mistake keeping some folks at arms length. It could have been magic. I guess. So many of us run from magic for so many various reasons. So many of us run from so many various things for so many various reasons.

Morning came but not quickly enough. Was up till about 4am playing DOOM. Head was hurting. Took some advil. Had to open the window to get rid of the smokey smell. Even if it did make the room a bit chilly. Just a bit. Finally went to bed yet sleep came in spurts. Yeah me was miserable. A city called misery. Miseryopolis. Couldn't risk a sleeping pill because it would have mixed with the advil. All in all I must have gotten about 2 hours sleep. No joke. Who can sleep when you can't get comfortable since you are tossing and turning attempting to find a position where the pain in your head doesn't seem to get more aggravated? Lawd. Quickly got up at 8am. Showered. Brushed the teeth. Everything was charged. Was packed ready and out the door in an hour because "S" let me know that instead of breakfast starting at 10am as I'd originally thought it actually was ending at 10am. Caught an Uber after having to deal with the damn app repeatedly crashing. The clerk called a cab for me which arrived right at the time the Uber app decided to finally work. The ride to the hotel was pretty cool. Had good conversation with the driver. Usually that happens unless I get one of those no talking types or just an asshole. That happens sometimes.  Hey people aren't required to speak with me. I can tell when someone doesn't want to be bothered and I know how to zip it. Sometimes people are racist,homophobic or theres a language barrier. Regardless alot of the time people like to talk. Maybe that type of job tends to attract more socially adept folks? Dunno. So anyhow...had to walk thru a crowded ass lobby to get to the elevator so I could meet "S" upstairs in his room. Gotta tell you about me and crowds. Its something akin to walking thru a firing squad when you've got bad nerves. You wanna run and hide because you feel everyone is looking at you. Lady Gaga says getting rid of her crazy would stunt her creativity. Its a part of who you are she says but on some days you really really wish you could quiet the crazy. "S" was happy to see me. We gave a little cordial hug. Complete with the patting action. Then we went downstairs. Needed to stand in line for the waffles which we had to make ourselves. I managed to make a mess because you have to fill a little cup with the batter then you pour it into the hot iron thingie which I knocked over spilling half my batter. Relax none got on the floor. It was all contained in a little area of the device no doubt created for folks like me. Still can't believe that happened. Wasn't much of a waffle left to tell you the truth after "S" came to my rescue. He quickly flipped the waffle machine thing over before all my batter could seep out. Yeah it was somewhat embarrassing. On some levels I might be some sort of a genius yet sometimes the simplest of things can trip me up. Probably looked like "a damned fool" to "S'. Perhaps on the inside he was laughing at the whole thing. Me? Disappearing at that moment in time would have been a gift. I was so nervous I just poured some caramel syrup on the mutant waffle and then proceeded to pile bacon,eggs,potatoes and a danish on it. Yeah it was a socially awkward moment for me. Maybe its natural to be nervous around someone you like? I mean to say

"S" is cute. He's tall. Taller than I thought. Around 6 feet 3. He has a kinda stocky somewhat muscular build. He's brown skinned. Has a beard with his mustache. And its not likely anyone in his family knows he's gay. Or bi. Or however he chooses to identify. Its his business. We talked as we ate breakfast. Some political stuff. Some videogame stuff. He'd left his own PS4 Pro back at his place before he came to San Diego as it was raining at the time and he didn't wanna risk it getting wet. When we got back to his room I just plopped right down on the bed and promptly entered some sort of food coma. Shortly after "S" had to head out and I called a LYFT to take me to the greyhound station. Had a cute Uber driver. He was a young man who was racially ambiguous. If I had to guess I'd say he was possibly white mixed with black. We talked alot (or I did) about videogames. He is a gamer. Around 24ish. Think he said either he or a family member had a Nintendo Switch. He's into comics a bit too. But he's really behind in alot of the stuff thats happening now. It was really something to try and explain how crazy and convoluted Marvel and DC comics have gotten lately let me tell you. But DAMN was he cute!  And when I got to the station the wait was about 30 minutes after getting a ticket. It was like 28 dollars. 5 less than the trip from LA. Also I was surprised when the cute mixed brotha asked to check my backpack as they'd not done so in LA. Actually its a bit alarming they don't in LA. On the way back I kinda slept between listening to music and watching Netflix. Played some videogames and read some comics. A kinda cute hispanic kid asked me if he could sit next to me. I told him sure and tired to keep an eye out for that costume shop on the way. All I know is it was Halloween something. Maybe Halloween Outlet? Dunno. But I like the costumes I saw in the display case outside as we'd driven by on the way to SD.

The trip back to downtown LA took like an hour longer than it was supposed to. Holiday weekend traffic. (tomorrow is Memorial Day). As usual I couldn't get the wi-fi to work at the stupid station, Ended up taking the MTA bus to the MTA train station as there was NO WAY I was gonna spend $25 dollars on a cab. Thats how much the driver told me when I approached. On the bus ride to the train station an Asian lady got into an accident in her car as another vehicle collided with hers. The driver tried to leave the scene like an idjit but since traffic really wasn't moving he was only able to get about a block away. The lady simply jumped out of her car to chase him down. I caught the train at 7th and Metro to the Wilshire and Vermont station. Stopped thru Gamestop on the way. Was mostly looking for a Vita memory card. They didn't have any. The cards are also WAY expensive. Sony should be ashamed of the price of these things. Proprietary shit. You can't use regular SD cards like um....everything else. Stopped at Chipotle. Got home. Had to pay my director and editor moolah I owe them for my projects so they scooped me up for a quick drive to the bank. Got back home and rested a bit before it was UBER time again for work. Did some thinking though. About my projects. Thinking about some of the things I came up with in SD too. Ideas. Concepts. Conversations I've had with some folks about making some changes. Gonna have to look into taking out a loan to help me finance this stuff. No way around it because even with an investor helping things are moving too slow and at this rate it will take another year to get these babies done. Kickstarter or any crowdfunding campaigns seem like a waste of time as they haven't worked for me. But thats something to worry about later. Got some meetings coming up and even more big decisions to make like where am I gonna be living at this time next year and what am I gonna do about my feelings for a certain person living in North Dakota. How much longer can I continue working a regular type job? Let me say if you see me walking and I look mad I'm probably not. More than likely its just that theres alot on my mind and I could use a hug. I think we all could use a hug sometimes.

So yeah I get to work last night to find out the other guard called in sick apparently therefore I worked alone after 11pm. An event was just wrapping up. There were quite a few folks still left on site too. They fed me though. So that was good. Pasta and a salad. Afterwards had to chase off crazy drag queen trans prostitutes. Stopped a few folks from having sex in front of the building. Felt bad because I wasn't able to feed the cat that hangs out onsite. Got partially startled by a little person who was painting in the gallery which no one bothered to tell me he was even in there! Then I got a sobering reminder of what happened in Orlando last year when I came across a cool little memorial someone made in remembrance of the victims who died needlessly at the hands of that madman. Don't like to speak ill of the dead but man everytime I think of that shit the anger wounds just open back up again. Crazy people trying to kill us for being Black. Crazy people trying to kill us for being gay. Crazy people who hate me/us for being....different. Nothing wrong with being crazy. Lots of good crazy people after all. But when crazy is used for evil it creates a special kind of evil in my opinion. Nothing more dangerous than the bad guy who actually believes he's doing the right thing. Except maybe the crazy good guy who has to stop them. I guess. Thats me. The crazy good guy. Sometimes my super power is also the source of my pain. My kryptonite or....my Vervain then.