Confessions of a sad superhero book 111

(To Chilled Hip-Hop And Neo-Soul Mix #10 on Youtube)

Mr. No Drive:

Where is the desire

for me?

Where is the desire for anyone?

He has no desire in him.

No Drive.

Needs those boosts

to get the drive

Needs those testosterone injections

otherwise he ain't missing nobody.

Ain't thinkin or carin about nobody.

I couldn't help but wonder 

how did this happen 

or was it always like this?

Never got answers

because he didn't hang around long enough...

Formerly Mr. Now Presently Miss:

I cried 

like I'd never cried before 

when I found out what he did.

Went under the knife

wasn't happy with how he looked

wasn't happy being the beautiful man

that he was.

Went to the doctors

got it all chopped off

got him some breastesses

got himself pumped full of them hormones

estrogen overruling ALL the masculinity

all the hard feeling musculature

the sweet aromas of manhood

that silky deep voice

all stripped away 

to be discarded 

flushed down some toilet

or dumped out back 

in some black biohazard-labeled bags.

He's got the higher voice now

fuller lips

longer hair

and long funky curvy nails with diamonds in them

while somewhere in heaven 

angels are crying 

God is crying 

all along with me

at the lost manchild

who would punish us 

for remembering/mourning who he was

by running away from us.

Its like he died twice.

I can't even look at the photos in my ipad

Its too painful

Seems so surreal

that we all have to accept

That beautiful man 

is gone.

Someone Inside:

He came from the dark

climbed from the pit like Bruce Wayne

fought through the crowds of mutated people

swung over some monsters too

and then he retreated to his cave.

He stayed in that cave

hair growing long

clutter and dishes piling up

all the while he was planning to go back out 

he was dreading going back out

dreading thoughts of rejections

dreading a painful past

tormented by nightmares of being in school

tormented by nightmares of bullies.

His mind is traumatized so much he wonders

If or when 

he can ever recover enough 

to go back out in the light 

to face the troublesome world again.

Hugs and kind words seem so far away now

replaced by so many violent memories

from this life and so many others

He wonders just what he's become

holding on the someone still inside

that little sliver of humanity

Not quite a soul

Something like soul

A kitten in the jungle.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 110

 You ever wish you could go back in time to stop yourself from doing something or maybe meeting someone? Yeah. Thats where I'm at. 

I was thinking of incorporating something interesting in one of my stories featuring DragonManx. DragonManx the character I play in my webseries has something in common with me. We both have a strong sense of smell. Usually good hearing too. In that way we are both like animals who possess senses sharper than most. I have always had good hearing even though I think I may have damaged my hearing over the years as a result of the fallout between me and certain neighbors. Anyhow in my story I was gonna address an issue Dragonmanx would have being able to smell when someone is transgendered. After all men and women smell different and everyone has a unique scent. One of my co-workers who is trans got into a conversation with me about how her wife had issues with her smelling different after she became trans. I say all this to say I realize over the last few months I've been going through some kind of withdrawal. When I was intimate with a certain person from my job there was not just an exchange of energy but there was something pheromonal that happened. Obviously not with him but with me it was like being torn apart being away from him. It wasn't because he was special. He wasn't superhot. He and I didn't even really have a logical reason being intimate it was just that on a chemical level that wild animal inside of me could smell he was prime mating material and when this chemical thing happens well that can make a person irresistible to someone else because of that powerful mojo. I have said this before that I suspect why some folks get all psycho when they break up with someone else. People really don't know he power they have over others. Then again some most certainly do KNOW. Perhaps they even weaponize it. Use it to get what they want. Its quite sad that we both don't feel the same strong connection. I guess we'd find a way to be together no matter what. Perhaps this is the secret behind long term relationships which seem to be a rare thing of the past these days. Why? Probably environmental issues. Chemicals or things we put in our bodies. Stuff we are exposed to I guess. I write this because I suspect oneday someone might actually find themselves in a bind and searching for a solution on how to beat this thing because it makes no sense being crazy about someone who doesn't feel the same way. Its dangerous too because it can make you sick. The withdrawal. Nevermind the fact they don't feel the same way because there is nothing you can do to change that. NOTHING. Just find something that you love. Maybe more than one thing. Find this and hold on to it. Chase it with all your might and even obsess over it. In time your mind and body will gradually bring itself back to the old you again. And no I'm not saying go out and find someone else. I mean I didn't. But that was largely because it put the fear of God in me knowing someone could have that much power over me. Honestly as alluring as that sometimes felt I don't know if I can afford to go back there again. It is one of the most painful things I have ever felt having to walk away from something I wanted so bad. But these situations actually can help you out because if the other person doesn't feel anything they are helping you by staying away. It does build up your resolve over time. So if they really did want to hurt you or maybe even manipulate your vulnerable state the thing to do would be the opposite of NOT calling you. Irony I know. Just...don't pick up the phone if they call and under no circumstances do you call them because well that makes you look like a punk. Chase your dreams and make them reality. Take the plunge. Be a risk taker. Be a dog (or cat) dad if you must yet you must fight the power and break the spell. Remember that there was something you loved before "they" came along and now is the time to give your energy to something that can actually change your way of life for the better. Talk about it. Maybe even get support from a group or a doctor but don't look back. After all you know where that path leads to right?

Confessions of a sad superhero book 109

 I was just sitting here watching Guy Ritchie's The Covenant. Theres a scene where Dar Salim the interpreter is pushing Jake Gyllenhaals character up this hill and really going through it because its such a rough climb. I thought to myself "Damn it would be awesome to have a friend like that" I mean in my life there have been some incredible people who have gone out of their way to help me but THAT kind of love and devotion...I guess its something that can rekindle faith in the human race. (I read that some of these interpreters were abandoned by the military after the US pulled out of Afghan and that gave me an idea for a story...)

Yesterday I really went in on a cute guy (I wish he lived in the US) on Facebook from Africa who tends to post stuff where he sounds like he wants to end his life or he is overwhelmed with misery over some shit going on. Thing is he has been doing this for years. Its not like I am insensitive or anything because I understand what its like to be in pain and sometimes it feels like one is trapped until you take a look around at some of the terrible things others might be going through. Yet they still find a way to keep going on right? I wasn't happy in North Carolina so I left after saving up a little bit of money when the time was right. There just comes a time when you gotta get the hell up out of dodge and I told homeboy that. Stop complaining and just find a way to get out of there. There was another fellow I used to talk to alot on Facebook from Alabama. He's had some rough luck and is now having to live in a bad environment with family. Its kinda depressing talking with him because he keeps complaining as he's done for years about his situation and I have told him to leave. Even told him to come to Cali. I have no problem letting someone stay here for awhile as they get themselves together. I mean people have done that for me right? Still he just won't take the initiative so I basically stopped talking to him. Was that wrong?

It is gay pride month but things feel different this year. I say that because it seems some of our allies (just as I saw with BLM) are getting tired of some of the BS associated with our movement. Rather its the bad apples. The loud and irrational always asking for more MORE more and at times doing too much and you know what I mean. This is pretty sad because in some ways much of the work that has been done to generate goodwill from heterosexual folks over the years has been shat upon by the recent actions of some folks who don't understand that sometimes one can go too far with the asking. The lgbt community have become bullies. Its unfortunate that those of us who may not necessarily adhere to some beliefs or practices within the community risk losing support from our allies as well as attempts from our communities when we speak up about certain things. Something worth thinking about....