SOMETIMES ALL THE ROADS DO LEAD BACK HOME (PART 1)

(Written to the music of Slakah The Beatchild)

I called my brother tonight to wish him a happy birthday and as usual we were on the phone for almost two hours. J-zilla has always been easy to talk to. Its pretty damn awesome that we share so many common interests. Parapsychology. The power of positive thinking. Understanding we can call on our ancestors for help. Doing what we like for a living. Not eating pork,beef or chicken. Speaking things into existence. Stuff like that. Really hated having to rush off the phone with him because I needed to get ready for work but something dawned on me after our conversation. I have been a fool. All this time I have been wanting to be understood and accepted by someone (often wasting my time with by bumbaclots that are not worth it) when there was always someone there right under my nose who I basically pushed away. My family. Its not to say I have the perfect relationship with any of them and its gonna take some time to rebuild bridges time has eroded because we gotta get to know each other all over again in so many ways yet they never turned their backs on me. I felt a great sadness when I though about this. I feel it now as a write....a terrible sadness that makes my eyes water, knowing I kept people who loved me at a distance and some of those people are not here anymore. I would do just about anything to get that time back again. One of my co-workers said something last night that made me think. She said we are only here for a limited amount of time and that alot of people waste that time. So many of us are running around filled with hate or negativity. At this point I just feel I can't afford to waste any time running around worrying if some guy is gonna accept me or whatever. The truth is I have faced rejection over and over chasing after elusive emotionally unavailable folks. I have languished in pain because I didn't feel I belonged in the gay community or in the nerd community. I even felt a disconnect from the black community on some levels. I have felt I was too black for some people I wanted to like me. I felt I was not nerdy enough or not quite gay enough for some. It certainly hasn't helped my self esteem or sense of worth you know. A wise man with a bunch of wives once said it shouldn't be an uphill battle trying to get in or to feel accepted. I can't speak for anyone else but my parents and siblings and mostly everyone else never rejected me. I have certainly felt ALOT of rejection from folks I don't share blood with. Food for thought huh? So todays lesson kids is don't give your love to mother fuckers that don't want it. The best friend I never had but always wanted has been here for over twenty years and its time we spent some bonding time together before more time flies away from us. I told J-zilla lets plan a road/plane trip for later this year. He was down for it and can make plans with his job once I give him exact dates. I'm thinking maybe Halloween since I have gotten that time off approved anyway. I always take off for Halloween. Usually I like to just chill or go out of town. It would be cool if we could go to Comic Con in NY this year. It happens sometime in Oct I think....Hmmm.

Yesterday I had to shut down someone on Facebook. This person whoever they are was trying to come across like a guy who was in the military. But I have heard that "I'm a single man in the military and I'm looking for someone" line before. I was trying to have a regualr conversation with this person until he said he was in the United States Army Marines. Many of the men in my family are in the service. My dad was drafted. I have never heard of a branch called the United States Army Marines before. WhenI brought that to his attention he went quiet and I noticed I was no longer allowed to view his page. Another thing that initially set off my red flag was when he called me "Hun". Whenever someone calls me "Hun" or "Boo" it kinda makes me cringe. Especially if its a guy. I only knew one person who used to call me "Hun" often and it was a girl who used to work with me in security at the LGBT center. Sometimes you have folks in other countries who try to get money from you or straight guys or girls who like to get online and mess with your head for whatever reason. Sometimes its fucked up gay folks or even "certain agencies" looking to bust you by trying to lead you into doing something stupid. Thing is I just don't see why these people come after me. I'm a good person who genuinely tries to do good in this world. I try to live a good life. I try to stay as happy as I can. I try to go after my goals. I don't bother nobody so what goes thru a persons mind that they would want to harm me for trying to make the most out of my life? Why not take that energy and utilize it to make your own life better? Maybe you're slick enough to not get caught and you might trip me up for a moment before I catch on but wouldn't it be easier to try and befriend me or better yet to just LEAVE ME ALONE? Just the idea that some teenage white girl in Alabama is coming online with fake photos trying to fuck with the heads of gay men on Facebook is just so damn creepy on so many levels. The more crazy and sinister things I witness from humanity only serves to remind me maybe I'm not as fucked up in the head as I feel sometimes. Yeah I said it.