Confessions of a sad superhero book 108

Update on the "Mr. Ninja" situation. So I sent homeboy a text. The text was saying since I have a three day weekend I was interested in meeting up to talk and if he didn't want to to or couldn't that was fine and then I said going forward I think it best we keep things on a strictly friendship level. I also said I think on this we can agree. He texted back saying that sounds good and that he was gonna be out of town. 

I felt like I had let go of some weight or something because now I have no expectations from this man. Truthfully he's been letting me know he wasn't available for a good while yet I was holding on to hope of something I just hadn't come to accept could never be so now as I sat here watching a Tina Turner documentary I could totally relate to being in a situation of feeling completely free after walking away from a painful situation. Like Depeche Mode said this was/is a pain that I'm used to and it doesn't have to be the new normal...being in a situation where the pain is so bad you yet you just take it feeling like you can't get out but you can really just walk away from anything once you get to that point where you are just not gonna take it anymore. I don't really know what happens now but maybe...maybe I shouldn't let broken unworthy people shut myself off from daring to let myself date. When I'm ready. When I'm ready.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 107

 (Listening to City Nights Vol 2 on Youtube)

Spoke to my therapist yesterday. I was up later than usual (Trouble sleeping) really kinda bummed out because a certain person at work made it official he likely isn't interested in any kind of social interaction with me. (Had a crazy dream of being at my Grandma's house and there was a small bear inside which made me and other folks worried Mamma Bear might be somewhere nearby so we wouldn't go inside the house! Too many bear attack video viewing on Youtube...) This individual at work is someone I said I would never write about again because of how broke up I was over him "just not being that into me" maybe a month or two ago. Its strange because even though it hurt when he didn't have much to say to me yesterday and rushed away from me afetr a few words. It was as if I had some horrible disease when I spoke to him...well honestly I've mostly accepted he's a lost cause...for me anyway. I don't know if he's mad at me because I didn't wanna do dinner last weekend. Seems to draw away if I start getting in my feelings? We were supposed to go stay at a hotel (something in the planning for weeks) but dude cancelled saying he wasn't feeling up to it since he was dealing with pain from a medical procedure. He tried to get me to do dinner instead but I felt there was something else going on and its already irritating enough trying to plan stuff when much of the time he has plans with someone else if I throw out a date. I literally have to "book" him weeks in advance. Why not just tell me he's seeing someone else? Then at least I'd know not to waste my time. As it is theres alot of confusion going on in my head and too much in the way of mixed signals. It might be too late to try and have a conversation. I don't even know if its worth it at this point. I'd feel like a fool letting myself seem so vulnerable pretty much knowing the outcome... Okay...did I just psycho-analyze myself?

Yesterday I was already tired and frustrated over some stuff at work that irritated me earlier so maybe this was the proverbial straw as they say. Its something when people treat a good person who likes them badly and I find myself wondering how would they treat an enemy. Yesterday I was a bundle of emotions and as I told my therapist it is time to start looking for another job as I am simply not happy here anymore. Too many security issues and favoritism...clan-ish behaviors and politics plus this shit with homeboy and its all just a bit much for my spirit. My mental health. Plus staring at this computer screen all night...ugh. My poor eyes. The plan was to stay here till at least March of next year, save as much money as possible, and complete the film which is probably gonna be an animated project now but I don't think I can do that. Too much ish going on. My therapist told me something really cool has happened since the last time we spoke months ago. She is 3 months pregnant. She talked about the morning sickness and mentioned this is a high risk pregnancy. I didn't try to pry for details and I am so happy for her. I am happy for anyone who has managed to connect on such a deep level with another person. Guess this should give me some hope for myself but it feels like I need to be something I'm not to make these guys out here happy. In all honesty the writing seems to be on the wall Ima need to leave Cali and possibly the US to find anyone compatible. We talked about my projects and how they've been true life rafts for me.  These super powers and the grace given me by my higher power keep me going. Everyday I see the signs that I am not alone. Shadows...walls creaking...a slight caress on my back during difficult moments...flickering lights among other things...its comforting in its own way if that makes any sense. And NO I do not talk to many about this stuff for obvious reasons. More than most Sergio Willis knows we are NOT alone. Anyway I know I have said this before but I gotta take a break from dating. It would be nice to have a sex partner for sure but I cannot risk letting myself get too attached to anyone right now as I need all my focus to be on making my art not to mention improving my way of life. If its meant to be it'll happen. If not I'll be okay. After all I was okay before. Time to put energy into the things that really matter.

Was on Amazon looking at some roller blades earlier. Used to get up early and go roller blading when I lived in Long Beach years ago and its gradually begun to creep back into my mind. Thing is I couldn't really find the roller blades I wanted. Looking for something outdoorsy in the color green you know? Woulda been cool to go blading this Memorial Day weekend. When I take time off for my birthday in August it'll possibly happen. Wanna go during the week at a time when its not too many folks on the beach. Gotta get back into simply enjoying doing things by myself. Sorta considering looking for a new hangout buddy but basically I'm kinda skittish on it. Still joining a gym will certainly be something I seek out a partner for. This will happen sooner than later. Really just wanna get the stomach flatter. Get more toned. My diet has been excluding pork, beef and pretty much chicken. Been trying to stick with veggies and seafood but I definitely need to find an alternative to Doordash and Uber Eats cuz that shit is EXPENSIVE. Taking Uber and Lyft everyday is getting costly too but that is another conversation for another time since a brotha is about to go on a 15 min break. Yep, I still bring my gaming stuff to work for breaks. Only now I make sure to lock the damn door to that conference room so some hooligan won't be able to jack my sheeeeit. Takes a real fucked up individual to steal from another fucked up individual the very things that help keep him/her from being even more fucked up and thats fucked up.

Speaking of fucked up the Microsoft acquisition is still facing an uphill battle but against all odds its starting to look as if it might actually go through since only the FTC, Sony and the CMA want to block it. A gang of countries and companies want this deal to happen. The court just threw out an attempt by some gamers to sue Microsoft over the deal. People keep saying Microsoft will have too much power and Sony says this could hurt them in such a way that they would not be able to compete if Microsoft gets ownership of Call Of Duty. However it is my belief Microsoft can help Call Of Duty recover some of its lost glory as the title just isn't as fresh or innovative anymore. Microsoft wants to make COD and all the other Activision games available to all platforms as well as provide access to games via cloud distribution which eliminates the need for actual hardware since everything is coming thru the internet. Speaking of hardware there is a new PC-type handheld coming out in about a week from Asus that boasts plenty of power. Since Covid the game market has seen a flood of PC-type handhelds. These systems run rings around the Nintendo Switch but this is still a niche market since most people don't know shit about computers or computer gaming which is awesome in so many ways besides the FREE online aspect of it all or the availability of numerous FREE games plus theres also the emulation factor. As it currently stands PC gamers tend to be on a higher plateau of consciousness. Yeah I said that. We game on high-tech stuff that we can work on and tinker with to our hearts content. If you go out and buy a GOOD computer you could conceivably keep it forever as long as the parts are available for upgrades. 85% of the time they are. Console gamers however have to buy a new console every 6-10 years to keep up with evolving tech. Meanwhile computer parts are usually very cheap to be had if you do your homework. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 106

 Yesterday the world lost yet another icon. Tina Turner (AKA: Anna Mae Bullock) passed away at the age of 83. She was that rare miracle in showbiz because although she had some fame her career really skyrocketed after she walked away from an abusive relationship with only 36 cents in her pocket. I remember that summer in 1984. I was in Canada for summer vacation with my family and visiting my uncle Junior. That song "Whats Love Got To Do With It" was in heavy rotation on the radio and one of my relatives played it alot. I think we also went to the movies to see Ghostbusters that summer too. I ended up getting a cassette of the album and wore it out especially during a trip back east to visit my father the following Summer. My favorite Tina Turner song was a toss up between Lets stay together and Better be good to me. Or maybe it was Whats love got to do with it at some point? I recall watching her concert on HBO. There was also a wild Saturday Night Live appearance related to a Wrestlemania event. Then the Mad Max movie came out and then the movie with Angela Bassett. Angela said Tina took her shopping and it helped he prepare for the role as she got to know Tina. Some months ago I bought a Tina Turner documentary on my Xbox and I started watching it but just like the Janet Jackson docufilm on Hulu I need to go back and finish it. I'm gonna miss The Queen. Just finished listening to some of her music on Iheart Radio and it really took me back to when life seemed so much simpler than it is now. We didn't have to worry about school shooters. Terrorist attacks were rare. Gone are the days one could actually leave the house doors open and go to sleep without worrying about somebody coming in for robberies and home invasions. Thats the endearing power of music. When you hear it it can transport you back in time and I sometimes wonder if the secret of time travel lies in our memories. If thoughts are energy and we are energy well it does make sense this could be key to us being able to move from the present to the past.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 105

Well, my vacation came and went in a flash and I didn't do anything basically. Just chilled in the house. Did my laundry. Ordered some Doordash. Watched some movies. Played some games. Called my father because I heard my uncle Larry passed away from alcohol related issues. He was one of the "cool" uncles. Had the nice cars and I don't think I ever saw him in a bad mood. (Why do some of my uncles remind me of the Ojays?) Was supposed to be in Detroit for their Comic Con but since Mel's mom is bad off he is on standby at the ready to jump up and fly to Orange County when/if he gets THAT call. I postponed my trip.  Hopefully, she will pull through. In the meantime I'm gonna start setting aside money to make the trip in 2024. Oh yeah, speaking of Orange County and its vicinity "someone" at an Irvine amusement park was attempting (Boomers) was attempting to gain access to my videogame account associated with my console that was stolen along with my laptop over a week ago. What a crazy world we live in. I'm sure this was the same POS responsible for my Spotify music selection constantly changing as I listened to music the other day. I can't believe this is the second time this shit has happened to me. Why do people keep taking stuff from me? Well whoever THEY are they're gonna discover that Steam Deck console is a brick for them unless they are able to create an account assuming Valve hasn't locked the machine. I guess they can do that. It probably won't happen but the cops can actually ask Valve to help them track the device as it would need to connect to a satellite or servers to go online. Everything that is digital and connecting to the web leaves a digital footprint. So it was just dumb to steal my laptop and console. It blows my mind that anyone would want to take something personal that belongs to someone else. I mean you are possibly exposing yourself to all kinds of germs. I could be some crazy person with a gun who could have walked in on them taking it. Also, you're gonna do jail time if caught. Is it worth it? I guess so if you are s junkie/crackhead or a klepto. Probably sold my shit right away I imagine. The job said they are not responsible for people's belongings getting stolen. I already replaced everything because these sources of entertainment keep me from becoming a serial killer because of all the shit and trifling folks I deal with in life. I'm scheduled to have a session with my shrink later this week by the way. She is going to really get an earful because so much has happened since the last time we talk. I imagine she is gonna ask me why the hell am I still working at this place after what I just went through. I'm still working here because in a few months, we start production on a short to promote my film and I need the money also for some imminent dental work. On top of that Ima need to start putting stuff in storage and I need to have my PS4 repaired next month. In June I'll be cutting back drastically on spending and will only make non-luxury purchases going forward. No that doesn't mean I'm giving up Netflix, Disney+ with Hulu, and Amazon Prime. These along with coffee are also things that help keep me from turning into a serial killer.

The good Captain posted a photo on social media with him and a woman he has decided to pursue. I guess he must really love her because he never posted any photos of us together. So my instincts were right. I mean to say I knew he was seeing someone else or a few someone elses and Mr. Ninja probably is too. It would be so easy to simply admit these things but I remember someone telling me years ago that when I asked them why they never told me they were seeing someone it was none of my business. I guess ultimately that is true. I mean if I'm not important to you it makes sense you would feel no obligation to tell me anything. It does sting when you understand someone you probably love thinks of you as next to nothing but in the end I think it makes it easier to wean yourself of said individual unless you are okay with someone treating you like shit and only having you as a side option and not a priority. Every time it seems I ask Mr. Ninja to do something with me I have to book him weeks in advance as its likely he has already set up a social event with someone else.I have said this before but I seriously think something is wrong with most gay/bi men when it comes to working on a commitment. I suspect many of us are so used to sneaking around we lack the maturity until much later in life to sustain a healthy romantic type relationship. Trying to find a black man with who I am equally yoked might not happen without the usage of some sort of witchcraft. Dwelling upon this can be depressing and no I'm not getting a dog/cat. I think this is something I'll consider if I find someone to help me raise them. It is my belief too many folks are getting animals to replace human companionship. I do love the furbabies but I don't feel its natural to be around them exclusively. But thats just me. 

Meeting up with Mr. Thurgood this coming Memorial Day weekend to discuss Nerds With Badge's next installment as well as our next move for Sasquatch. So far I am having an artist do some character profiles for me. Another artist (in Brazil I think) is doing storyboards yet Ima need to replace him because he is taking too long and I suspect he may not completely understand the proper way to do storyboards. Could be a language barrier to a degree. I dunno. Gotta work on finding a cabin to film our short in too. The short will function as a trailer or commercial to court would be investors. Plus we will use it in our crowdfunding campaign. I estimate the short can be done for 3 grand. This will act a s a lightning rod to entice folks to give us money to shoot what we really want which incidentally will be the rest of the story. The script is done yet I am considering skipping the whole short film or web series approach I'd initially planned and just going full steam ahead with a full length film. The only thing worrying me is how much money such a big production could cost. Now if we went the animated route..well that would make many more things possible we could do not to mention it would save us alot of moolah. Why did that just now occur to me? There are so many cool stories I'd love to tell about "The Squatch" and a film or ongoing series would be soooo much easier to pull off in animated form... 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 104

So I went to the dentist yesterday all ready for the root canal and one again they cancelled. Last time it was because the dentist had a family emergency at the last minute. This time it was because my condition is complex so they are sending me to a dentist in Huntington Park. So instead of just calling and telling me this I had to take a LYFT all the way over there to find out. Now because of this I have to spend the next few days (some of which is vacation time) still dealing with this issue. 

The other guard who I worked with who may have been away from the desk when the dude stole my stuff (unless he was somehow able to enter from a window in another dept) worked his last day here Tuesday and it was a bittersweet situation. I say that because I do like dude but he is a bit too laidback at times and it worried me that this could cause some issues. Anyway we talked and he gave me a hug and shocked me by giving me one of his handheld consoles he doesn't really use anymore. Its a cool little emulating device and he has put a bunch of games on it. I guess he does feel bad about my stuff. I am hoping the cops can recover my items but I realize its a slim chance. Someone said I should do a go fund me but I have a hard time believing people are just gonna give me money. Crowdfunding hasn't worked for me in the past so I don't have much faith in it. Ironically I will be launching a crowdfunding campaign for my Sasquatch film later this year. Meanwhile a Kickstarter campaign is also launching this year for the comic anthology which features a collection of comic book writers/artists. In other project related news I may do an episode of Nerds With Badges around Memorial Day at the end of this month. I wish I had a co-host because I would be less nervous having to interview folks. I do actually have a couple of guys I'd love to feature as guests. One is a cool LYFT driver and the second is a comic book creator met at LA Comic Con some months ago. Its too bad I had a falling out with my last co-host. Speaking of former co-hosts dude who I used to hang out with alot who went to Universal with me on New Years Day has been reaching out to me recently via texts as if nothing happened between us that day. Forgiveness is something I struggle with and I do feel at times I give folks too many chances. None of us are perfect and it is important to be able to move past the past yet when you keep letting folks slide for being nasty towards you its almost as if you are telling them to go ahead with being disrespectful towards you. On the other hand "he" is featured prominently in my film so theres that. Really don't want to replace him but sooner than later we are gonna need to have what will likely be an uncomfortable conversation.

Mr. Ninja continues to confuse me because while I assume he "just isn't into me" dude will out of the blue send me a text saying he is looking forward to seeing me on the weekend. To me this is shocking and I'm not going to put much into it. Part of me is wondering maybe we should never "go there" because it makes no sense catching feelings when you know the other person will not be riding that train with you. Its always in my mind what Tyler Perry said about believing people when they show you who they are. If I go down that road knowing there is probably no chance in hell you're gonna like me equally and you're pretty much guaranteed to break my heart (again?) well when things turn out badly I can only blame myself. So yeah I do feel like I'm walking a proverbial tightrope here. Safest thing would be to keep things on a friendship level. That would be the smart thing to do. 

The week is almost over. Just have to survive ONE more day then I'm on vacation. I'm thinking of maybe calling in tonight sick because I have been feeling weird the last week or so. Truthfully I've not been the same since the heartbreak I went thru like maybe two months ago dealing with the emotional fallout of a certain persons rejection. No kidding; it broke me and I got sick not just physically but mentally. My heartbeat has been weird at times. My sleep patterns changed too. It's akin to having a fog around you that hasn't quite faded. Truthfully it was like going thru a dark tunnel then finally eventually emerging form the other side into the light. So that is to say I'm coming back to myself but something feels "off" or broken. Hard to really pinpoint it but I've been sleeping all day and going to sleep after work much later than I used to before. So you can see why I'm pretty apathetic and worried about trying to feel anything for anyone knowing what it could do to me. Getting another Steam Deck pretty soon so just that thought helped bring me back from the stink of last Wednesday. I'm planning to replace my laptop soon as well. Someone just came to talk to me and this person had a falling out with me awhile back but I guess we cool now. She told me about having $300.00 stolen from her locker awhile back. (Others have complained about having lunch taken from the fridge) She said I should ask the company to compensate me but its not likely they will do THAT. She also said something else that resonated. Whoever took my stuff may have been trying to send me a message. Someone might have even sent them to do it as crazy as that sounds because they knew exactly where to go and why didn't they go into the other departments to steal things? Could I have a nemesis hiding in the shadows plotting my downfall? Am I that important to someone? Twisted shit. That possibility. Its also possible that whoever is taking stuff could be climbing into our dept from a window to another part of the building! Trying not to think too much about all this and was considering going out of town because I need to break out like that song by Swing Out Sister. I gotta get away like Earth Wind And Fire. Will probably clean up over the next few days. Already did the laundry and made up my bed. That was a big deal to me. Small steps when one is coming out of depression are really giant leaps. I feel the urge to do something special with the next few days off yet can't quite decide whether or not this should be a solo adventure you know? Company is nice but that company might pose a potential threat. You know what I mean. Plus it would sorta be like bringing work home in a way no? It really would have been nice to go to Detroit this weekend for their Comic Con. Next year... 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 103

(Listening to Classic Rock on Iheart Radio)

 I think my laptop and Steam Deck thief may know me. Its crazy and maybe a bit paranoid but as I was speaking with one of the other guards about what happened with my belongings a tall white male saw us thru the window from across the street as I noticed him pacing back and forth. He locked eyes with me and then stopped to stare. It was weird and I'm not sure what the hell is going on here...

Sunday was eventful. I called Mommy to see if she got the "Momzilla" shirt I sent her, and got chewed out about not having insurance on my stolen goods. After recovering from that Mothers day tongue lashing I treated Mr. Ninja to Universal Studios because I really wanted to check out the Nintendo attraction for Mario Kart. Unfortunately that didn't happen. We stood in line for two hours then come to find out the stupid ride had broke down. My back and feet were aching and I wrote a pretty pissed off explanation of what happened in a survey that came in my email later. That was cathartic but I wasn't expecting to get an invite to maybe check out some new secret rides and give my two cents about them. On top of the Mario Kart biz someone stole more of my Amazon stuff again so its back to strictly ordering things and having them sent to the workplace as its not safe to have delivereies at home. (Who the FUCK is doing this??? What the hell is wrong with people taking my shit? Damn!) It was a green jogging outfit I'd planned to wear to Universal that got taken. Also some sneakers i ordered were the wrong size so I had to get a refund. Another thing that upset me was this rude guy who wouldn't let me and Mr. Ninja sit together on a ride. I understand that I need to be much more aggressive in my life with people because yeah I am not the one and I'm tired of folks looking at me and thinking "Oh he looks so happy and easy going Ima just walk all over him" Then when you snap people be like Damn Sergio why you do THAT?!? You can't let these mother fuckers get to you man knowing full well they woulda acted the fool too if somebody pushed them too far. 

So me and Mr. Ninja had a decent time. He did upset me at one point and he was acting a bit weird at times like he practically jumped off one ride because he thought it was gonna go sideways and I had to ride alone because it was too late for me to get off then we got into a little tiff because he grew agitated when we were talking about dinosaurs after the Jurassic Park water ride. I kid you not when I say I think he does not believe the earth is millions of years old and even when I showed him a google newsfeed he abruptly cut me off so there may be some religious issues regarding his views. When I suggested that he seemed to get pissed and I wasn't talking to him for a good while as we stood in the Mario Kart line. After awhile things kinda got back to normal. We ate at an expensive food joint and he bought some $8.00 bottled water at one point. (I can't believe they can get away with charging that much) We did go on a few rides but since Mr. Ninja has motion sickness we couldn't do the heavy stuff. Everything was cool till we got on the train to get back home (We took a shuttle down hill first) On the train ride I kid you not dude wouldn't sit next to me and he just stood up facing away from me the whole time. I thought that was bizarre but from my observation some people when they have been single for awhile don't really seem to know how to really engage you when you go out in public. Also some folks are DL. To me its like you're giving me this body language to remind me you're really not that into me. He fist bumped me and got off at his stop. I would later discover that was a mistake as his bus route was under construction which caused him to wait a looooooong time to get home via an alternate route. Still by the time I got off the train tired as I was and feeling sticky from the days heat and activities it was heavy on my mind to keep my distance from this guy for awhile. Figured the writing was definitely on that wall. I allowed myself to pleasure myself (its been weeks) later as I thought about Captain Liberia who although emotionally distant I can at least expect him to call to check up on me at least once a month. I mean that means he cares to some degree right? But yesterday as I was on the phone with Amazon getting my refund Mr. Ninja out of the blue called requesting I send him some of the photos I took of him. Photos no one else will see of course. (He can be quite photogenic but he denies it) Well I think he's gonna let his mother see them We have not taken any photos together and that is not likely to happen so I just don't ask. Its funny though as I was resisting the urge to call him and or text him with the photos but he surprised me by calling. We talked for a good while actually then out of the blue he asked me when can we finish what we started at my place over a month ago. We had sorta messed around but didn't go all the way. Dudes passion and sex appeal almost overwhelmed my senses. Its that powerful Jamaican mojo I guess because I never stopped thinking about that after THAT. I'm on vacation later this week after my root canal surgery so I might just rent a room or something and spend some more time with dude. God knows it will be nice to feel the warmth of an attractive man after years of being without. Thing is I am worried  imight lose my ability to be objective if we take it THAT far...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 102

 Still reeling from the shocking theft of my Asus laptop and my beloved Steam Deck. Its crazy to think you work so hard to have the things in life that make you happy and theres some clown out there just waiting to try and take it from you. Maybe it has something to do with maturity or something but lately when bad things happen I just look around and see things to remind me my life is actually wonderful in so many ways. Things going on in the world. Other things...terrible things others are having to deal with. You know what they say...things could always be or could have been worse. Also no matter how bad things sem in your life someone else has it worse. Its not exactly hard to notice this if one opens their eyes. Someone at work confided in me earlier when I was feeling kinda down over my stolen stuff and also trying to process how cruel and non caring one of my supervisors reacted when I mentioned the theft. This person confided in me that they literally lost everything after a nasty business related venture. This person reminded me that I need to be grateful for what I have and just bask in the knowledge I can easily replace those items. Its pretty hard to replace a lost once lavish lifestyle...

It is really strange how no one else even seemed to know what happened but at least my big boss sent me an email saying she would see if she could help. I was of the mind someone walked into the building while the desk was unattended around 11:00pm but my supervisor viewed the tapes and he didn't see anyone enter with dudes description between 9pm and 11pm so homeboy was probably inside the building from much earlier in the day. The other possibility is that they entered the building from somewhere theres a camera blind spot. Maybe even a window somewhere on the property. (The maintenance crew seem to know SOMETHING but its not always easy to communicate as most don't speak english. A couple of them spoke to me and seemed to indicate that security at the desk wasn't looking at the cameras and possibly a homeless person entered the facility and went undetected, Possibly unreported? I get the idea people might not wanna talk either because they don't wish to get involved or perhaps get someone in trouble) I work with some cool people but some of them despite being cool people are not the easiest people to work with because of work ethics and I'm not saying I'm a perfect worker. But it does bother me that some people are too relaxed. Leaving the parking gate open and not really watching the cameras is a potentially dangerous thing to do in this crazy world we live in especially when ALOT of folks do not like the lgbt community. People have managed to enter the building before. Some homeless people do try to come in. Some have managed to sneak in off the street. I worry sometimes (about all these crazy shootings going on around the country especially) and this is playing a big part in my decision to leave that job once I have saved up a certain amount of moolah. Security (especially where we work and in that area) is not the type of job one can be nonchalant in. I just don't think its a good idea to ever let yourself get too comfortable. Sometimes its a good thing to be paranoid. Suck though that the actions of an idiot have managed to disrupt my work environment. In time it won't hurt so much but lesson learned. Just like my co-worker said that place is like my house but I share that house with many other entities and some of those entities are not nice entities plus you got sneaky entities that try to wreck your shit so I guess in some ways I was the very thing I accused others there of being...too damn cozy. 

Anyway I purchased the tickets for me and Mr. Ninja to go to Universal this weekend. Its gonna be nice. I'm so looking forward to the new Nintendo attraction. Its expensive this weekend too because of Mothers Day. $144 as opposed to usually the price being $124. I sent my mother a cool "Momzilla" shirt which should arrive today. (Just hope i got her size right) I had to call Mr. Ninja because I wasn't quite sure what his last name is. He's so mysterious and low profile. I actually knew it but wasn't sure on the spelling. After getting off the phone it slipped my mind again but a quick google search actually helped me find the right spelling from an article written that featured him. I was planning to maybe get a hotel afterward but I'm gonna have to cut back, maybe push that idea to later, since the stolen items need to be replaced. Theres another new handheld system coming out next month that stomps the Steam Deck in important areas and the temptation is gonna be there for me to get one but I think its a spiritual need in me to replace what was taken from me. I've felt a strong urge to replace stuff stolen from me before. Like the Disney mug I got in NY years ago and someone stole it after I left it in the microwave. I always suspected a co-worker who doesn't work there anymore at the center. When my stuff was stolen in Detroit I hurried up and replaced it. Don't really need to be in a hurry. Patience is a good virtue to have. Mr. Ninja wants to go around noon and I think we need to talk about that as by then the place will likely start to be crowded. Already got the wardrobe figured out. Ordered a few things. Green sneakers and a green jogging suit. Temperature is supposed to be mid 70's this weekend plus it will get cooler later. We will be getting plenty of water splashed on us too probably so long sleeves and pants is the right way to go. Still gotta look for the small fanny bag type body sling thing because I wanna bring a camera. Hopefully the bag is not too big because they make you take it off for rides if its over a certain size. The only thing to think about now is where will we go to break bread as well as how late we plan to stay. Don't really think I wanna do all day till night but time tends to fly by so quickly in that place. So what to say if he invites me over his place afterwards? That too is something to mull over. At any rate I need to break out of this funk clouding my mind. Its just that sometimes in life something insane happens before you have even fully recovered from an earlier insane event. Whats even worse is when the insanity stacks up. Sometimes it feels like someone is trying to break me with all this shit. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 101

 I just got home from work. I got off early because I was so upset and devastated over the fact someone walked right into the building and stole my small Asus laptop along with my Steam Deck. Both were set up like they always are and charging because I come in early to relax with some gaming and a cup of coffee before the start of my shift every night. We have a pretty good idea of who took it. I mean we identified a tall white guy on video walking briskly out of the building around 11:30pm. So I made an incident report in our log and then called the police who directed me to a site for making a police report. The Steam Deck was almost $700 in value with a really cool green rubber case on it and my laptop was around $250.00. Its pretty crazy that you spend your life working to survive and you find some things to help you cope and then some individual comes along and wants to take it from you. Back in 2018 someone stole all my luggage along with a laptop,ipad and also my birth certificate and passport which were packed inside. Meanwhile at work someone years ago stole one of my favorite Disney mugs I'd had for years along with the charger for my MSI gaming laptop. It just seems like PEOPLE are always trying to TAKE something from me. Peace of mind. Privacy. Hacking my shit. Social media and I'm pretty convinced someone may have attempted to break into my apartment. The truth is they may have actually succeeded. At this point I am just tired of people. Times like this make me really wish I could go live on an island away from people and their BS. Just before I left the job there were some gathered kids outside and it appeared some crazy situation was brewing. When is it ever not with these kids? Not sure how much sleep I'm gonna get tonight but I think I might eat something and watch some tv to clear my head. There are too many potential security breaches at my job and it does concern me that some folks there migh be too relaxed and forgetful of the fact we have to be vigilante as plenty of people do not like gay folks. The parking gate is constantly left open and folks don't really be watching those cameras as much as they should. It just feels crazy being a security guard and your shit isn't even safe at your job. Recently food getting stolen from the fridge has been a common thing. People have told me that their entire lunches have been taken. Mr. Ninja said someone even went thru his packed lunch and took certain articles of food. I noticed when I looked in the fridge earlier it appeared someone may have even messed around with some of my juices. I have had things taken from the fridge before also. Thanks to all these bumbaclots we can't fucking go anywhere without video cameras watching our every move. Thanks thieves for giving "the man" more incentive to strip away our rights. Really.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 100

 "SURVIVING LOS ANGELES"

PART 1.

Been dreaming again. They are becoming more vivid and its appropriate since my creative juices are re-igniting after a lull. I was in a pretty dark place over the last few months and it really took me awhile to bounce back. A broken heart can do that to you. For some of us who are more emotional and feel everything to a higher degree these things can be dangerous. I was sick. I was depressed and just filled with so much pain and rage over letting myself get into that particular situation. I made alot of mistakes and I do wish I could go back and unmake the past three months but I cannot so therefore I must fight the pain and continue onward. Life isn't always sunny and happy. Sometimes you go thru the most horrifying of torment and eventually you come out of it. Well it certainly helps when you look around at the world and realize how blessed you are because we can forget things can always be worse. Some people out there are going thru some shit that makes my life seem like paradise. This does not escape me. I think its safe to say anyone who is going thru a tough time and things seem too much take a look around at what other people are going thru because it will certainly help you put things in a different perspective. Even if you have some sort of mental disorder you gotta recognize some people are dealing with the absolute unthinkable yet they still go on in this world. Some of the stress I have been dealing with is coming from my job too. We had a lunatic woman here yesterday who kept banging on the door and harassing anyone who crossed her path. It was a truly disturbing situation made even more complex since the police were not really helpful until things started becoming dangerous for anyone who worked or lived in the building. She actually physically assaulted a few people plus she kept trying to come inside. Hell, she even managed to get in a few times. We deal with alot here. I was talking with a Lyft driver the other day about some of the stuff i have experienced and it really hit me we go thru ALOT of stress at this workplace. So its no wonder I think about quitting like every waking moment. It is getting close to that time. Putting dating on the back burner is definitely gonna insulate me from BS but I think its safe to say my nerves need a more peaceful environment so they can properly heal from all the...stuff. Videogames and other entertainment have helped keep me afloat plus focusing on the Sasquatch film project has guided me out of the funk. As we get deeper into pre-production its gotten harder for me to focus on BS. I have said this before but filmmaking is not for the faint of heart. Right now I getting some storyboards made. I think the artist lives outside the US which is probably why I was able to get him for a great price. The currency exchange rate makes many things possible businesswise when working with folks outside the US. I've already dropped a grip of cash for a crowdfunding video we are doing to raise funds for the film. On top of that I gotta get some character designs done. That will probably be done by the cartoonist who did me animated project "Detector Pig" years ago. Lurking in the shadows is a root canal which is scheduled to go down in a couple of weeks. Theres rarely ever a dull moment in my life...

PART 2.

An associate wants me to film him at some fashion show in Oct. I do like taking photos and I think I'm pretty good at it actually. Could be a cool way to make some extra  moolah so I told him yes. I am not 100 percent sure though because I have some trips in mind for later this year. Also I have asked dude several times to help me out on projects and he refused. He also refused to come to Universal with me even though I told him it was on me. Yeah, I know its the "gay thing" that makes some straight guys act peculiar at times. They are uncertain of our intent and I can acknowledge many gay men are a hot nefarious mess and will try to sleep with any man with or without two legs who dares to cross their path. So much of the time I look around and see some of the messed up shit others in the lgbt community subscribe to and it sickens me. It has certainly shifted my views towards a more conservative slant over the last 10 or so years I'll tell you that... So yeah I understand why so many heteros HATE us. Some of us are something else. Not all of us. But others. Whooh! Honestly though there does seem to be a strong feeling of general distrust in the air. The last few years have been pretty out there. Covid. George Floyd. Insurrections and wars. Shootings are still a thing. Just the other day some guy in Texas shot up a family and there was a school shooting also the other day. Others have happened and one of my co-workers was like "Its like you can't even walk down the street anymore" Ever since this pandemic, there has been a heaviness in the air. Its a gloomy fog that has nver really left. I mean we are still wearing masks and ridesharing is still not doing any ridesharing. (Some of us were paranoid about germs before this shit but thats a whole other converstion...)

PART 3. 

5.5.2023

I guess a co-worker is hearing the call of the wild because he just got back after taking some classes so he can get certified for another job. I always try to encourage him because he is good with electronics and videogame related stuff. He's modded some things for me over the years. He doesn't really listen to me though. I mean you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink it. I could work in the videogame industry too I suppose and its certainly time to be looking for a safer saner line of work. The pay here is good and the benefits are dynamite but the areas gotten too crazy. The police seem so limited or not caring when it comes to helping us with these situations which would definitely lessen if a gate were to be erected around the property yet they won't do that. So I'm saving money and focusing on getting my projects done because I'm not planning to stick around here for much longer. My goal is to stick it out till March at least because I don't wanna quit without enough money set aside to tide me over until I get more cashflow coming in. Honestly I dunno...maybe I should consider going to another company even if the pay is lower and the benefits are not so great if its gonna give me a better work environment and peace of mind. My rent isn't high and I don't need alot of money. I think what I really need right now is a change of scenery. Sometimes to get the things you want you have to give up something you have. Anyway, yesterday that certain person I said I wasn't gonna write about who broke my heart came in to work, and when he saw me in one of the rooms here on my computer he came over to spent a few moments with friendly chatting. He seemed different. Well, there seemed to be a kind of glow about him. Was it all in my mind or is somebody getting laid on the regular? Well somebody is taking care of his needs and I guess I'm happy even if its not me. Wasn't meant to be you know. A wise person once said you can't always get what you want. I just am of the mind right now the love of my life is supposed to be my work (Maybe its always been that way) and I have so much catching up to do because I have been neglecting the things that really should be most important to me. Yeah, I am one of those people. I can't bring back lost time but I can work on making up for it while the people I love are still here. As far as my Sasquatch project goes I have hired someone to do storyboards for the film and I hired another artist to do some full body illustrations for me. I'm saving money because the storyboard artist is in another country so due to the currency exchange rate he is willing to work with me on payments. Like I paid $250.00 for thar storyboards and once it was changed to his currency it became almost $500.00. This is why so many people do business outside of the US. The artist doing my illustrations has known me for years and did a cartoon for me a while back so he is willing to give me a great deal. Meanwhile I paid the guy who will be directing the film $500.00 to work with me on a crowdfunding video we will probably shoot in a few weeks. I just need to sit down and get to work on some concepts because all my past crowdfunding efforts fell flat. Who knew it wasn't gonna be easy to get people to give you money? So I am making some power moves. It may be slowly but surely I'll get to where I wanna be.

PART 4.

5.6.2023

"The Evil That Men/Women Do"

A lady who works here at my job that I had a falling out with came into the lobby playing (blasting!) "Backstabbers" by the Ojays. I know she did it on purpose because the song was just starting when she got out of the elevator. 

PART 5.

5.10.2023

Its really getting crazy here in the US with all the shootings that keep happening here. Sunday there was a shooting in Texas at a shopping mall. This was a 30-something-year-old man of Hispanic origins. He apparently harbored some racist ideologies. It is strange but racist tensions between hispanics and black people are not a new thing. There is a far right group called the proud boys and they have been responsible for some violent racist type activities. One of their leaders who is Afro Cuban did some time for burning a Black Lives banner. Of course he's incredibly handsome. Probably could have any woman or man he wants yet this person seems to have this passion inside them for igniting the flames of racial division. I'm starting to wonder if the best thing that could happen for American black folks is for the US government to give us all a one-way ticket to Africa so we can just be away from all this BS. All the racial profiling and uneven playing field held by those unwilling to share the wealth.  There is literally enough money and resources to wipe out poverty in the US but it just  doesn't happen. And in regards to Africa...well I hear they don't exactly love gay folks over there so theres that. 

Why is it that in this crazy insane world people focus so much on doing things to make life more difficult for others instead of dealing with their own issues? I think its a way of running from stuff. There are some other possibilities too. Someone could be making these shooters do these things. Telepathic suggestion? Blackmail or demonic possession? An insane mind that has lost all connection to reality or rationality? Or perhaps this is a perfectly sane mind grasping at one last grand yet ridiculous attempt at recognition. That might actually be the most disturbing possibility. One thing for certain is that all of these shootings were not really happening years ago when I was pre-teen. Something has definitely changed in society that has driven this newer generation towards such extremes and we need to figure out where we went wrong before a wannabe shooter gets their hands on a weapon of mass destruction. Then we will all be in big trouble. Its probably only a matter of time. My scariest nightmare involved me running back and forth all across the world trying to escape from a humanity at war with itself while the rest of the world around them was devastated. 

A few weeks ago I came across a news story about a young black man who was chased and murdered by a bunch of white folks who ended up dismembering his body. Maybe they did this to try and get rid of evidence? I don't know. In my mind I have exacted revenge on people who pissed me off yet never in a million years would I ever take a life. Defending myself when the threat is great is one thing but to actually go out and kill someone creating that huge ripple effect on reality. That is some crazy level madness. I can see wanting to harm someone who has done something horrible to you or a loved one and maybe they deserve it but you are in effect giving some low life the power to ruin your life. Justice and revenge are not the same thing. Its weird logic probably but when someone dies they can't suffer anymore for what they did. Well I guess they can (suffer) but thats another conversation. Point is killing is the quick and easy solution. What if by sparing that person and giving them a chance to change they end up becoming an awesome attribute for society? I'm just saying. This poor kid had his whole life ahead of him and now its just over and the crazy thing is unless a miracle happens we may never know why? When/why did it become so easy for others to take a life? Is it something in the water or is the really the side effect of still emerging technologies?

I know I said I wasn't gonna talk about so and so anymore but we sorta talked the other day. ...And I sorta invited him to Universal Studios with me this coming weekend. Originally I'd planned to go to Detroit to hang out with a buddy for Detroit Comic Con but since my buddy in Detroit is facing a terrible situation with his moms being almost possibly at her deathbed he is not gonna be available understandably. Mr. Ninja even invited me over his place Monday after we talked but I had a sleeping pill in my system so regrettably I declined. Its probably for the best I didn't go. Letting that man have sex with me might affect my ability to think objectively plus its real easy to recall how devastated I was when I realized and accepted I had feelings for someone who can never reciprocate for whatever reasons. I wish I could go back in time because I believe I never should have invited him back to my place that one time when we had "semi-sex". It felt really good and nice but I think because it was so long since I was intimate (Its been years since I've had anyone inside) my emotional state got all convoluted. I just don't want to go back to how devastated I felt understanding I'd been rejected when he stopped making time or calling like he did initially. That whole situation put me in a bad place spiritually so I need to NOT sleep with dude. He is "to have and NOT to hold" Just like that Madonna song from the "Ray Of Light" album. You have to be careful of people like that. Especially when they really know how to put it down in the bedroom.