The adventure continues. The filmmaking adventure anyway. Seems thats one of the few things I do right and that I can take some pride in because consistency has yielded some progression. I know some folks will look at my work thinking its utter crap but I don't really think what I do is crap. Things were certainly alot rougher when I first started but now I'm wiser and (gasp) what do you know....its likely at this point I know what I'm doing. Talk about a road less traveled. My methods haven't been amongst the most conventional yet I've managed to get some decent results. Even if I sacrificed so much for these results. Sacrificed so much in the way of friendships and family relationships. But truth be told over time I'm gotten so tired of people that my ability to interact with them has weakened. Mostly I don't feel I measure up to what others think my life should be. I should be driving. Should have a house. Should have fifty thousand saved up in the bank. Should go to the gym and should not be working as a security guard at age 45. Its weird and even though people might not always say these things I can look in their eyes and see the judgement. Its almost as if they are thinking "What is this creature? How is it even still alive or surviving?" But I am surviving. Maybe I don't have a gym perfect body. Maybe I don't wear the most expensive name brand fashionably accepted clothes/shoes. Still I survive. Still I believe in something bigger than myself that I can have oneday if I just NEVER give up on it even if others will look on without understanding me. Some will try to stop me. Some bring negativity or discouragment and thats okay because they don't know me. Sometimes I feel that this battle of mine to achieve this so elusive goal may eventually take my life but at least I will leave here happy knowing I never gave up. Call me a fool. Spread rumors about me. Try to diagnose me from a distance never volunteering to help. Call me mad if you will. To some degree its true. It is what it is. Some of that madness was put in me by other people. Thats why I struggle with this love hate relationship with the human race. But I'm not really mad at any one. In truth this is who I am supposed to be. This I'll take over being some boring knucklehead running around with no purpose or sense of self. One day I'll be riding that night shift that the commodores sang about. I'm not afraid of the peace awaiting or seeing loved ones I miss so much again. Until that day comes and I am free at last from these confines I will continue to fight for my dreams and my right to be happy here. Maybe its okay most people won't understand or like me. I've learned to deal with the loneliness by burying myself in creation. Especially during those moments when I longed for arms to hug some of the pain away. Those arms still haven't come you know. After 45 years I still feel like that lone gay black man movie character semi-hero who struggles for a cause feeling so much like the outsider many I look up to represent. Ain't gonna lie....sometimes the loneliness is almost too much to bear. I wonder if Robin Williams felt like this. Seriously. If you have never felt REAL depression its no joke at all. I thank my higher power for giving me some kind of strength to keep going. I am so thankful I have a handful of people who have been there to throw a lifeline out at those crucial moments. But most of all I am so thankful for having the creative power of imagination. Yeah it makes me eccentric in so many ways yet its my superpower. It allows me to change my world and even the world around me. The irony of having such a great power is that is that so many of us end up ultimately alone because of it. Some of us can't live with the knowledge of that certainty. I guess Johnny Depp would call me a Mexi-can and not a Mexi-cant.... I have so much work to do.
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Jay moved in (officially) this week. He came by Monday to help me start moving things around to make room for him. We ended up giving in to passion again even though I said I wouldn't do that again with him because I'm still mad at him for staying away so long. I don't understand how you can say you love someone yet stay away for two weeks. If you live far apart this is understandable but man we live in the same city. He says he doesn't have anyone else but I will never believe him. I don't hate him but I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket if that makes any sense. I can't try and commit to someone I don't trust. Whatever we do have....its definitely something I need because I haven't been able to find anyone else here worth dating....still I'd be a fool to deny we are on borrowed time. There are a couple of other guys who live in other states who have expressed interest in getting to know me better. Mostly I'm intimidated by them because they are more stable in their lives than I am. A couple of people have told me I'm too hard on myself and that I shouldn't judge myself by what other people put out as standards. Some people really have NOTHING but they have a long list of requirements for anyone they might consider going out with. Also someone said by staying away from these guys because I don't feel I'm on their level I'm actually not giving them the chance to decide if they wanna go out with me. But black gay men want you to have your shit together. They do. When you're rolling in the dough and have a fabulous body everyone wants to go out with you. Thats just the way it is. I can't honestly say all black gay men are like that but at least 75% are. The irony of all this is many of these guys are single because they are not really meeting people up to their standards or they are just too dumb to realize none of these things are gonna keep you happy with someone else. The key to any successful relationship is compromise. Sometimes you can actually help a person become that guy you desire. I know. What a concept right? People just want it right here and right now with no waiting. Maybe they are just too lazy to put in work. A flower does need some watering and fertilizer to grow. (Did I just say fertilizer?)
Jay is a nice guy. He doesn't drive. He doesn't have a million dollars either but he's genuinely cool. I mean to say I have NEVER ever seen this guy lose his temper over ANYTHING. He's pretty funny too. Maybe African men men have super stay in shape powers because with almost no effort many have amazing bodies. Jay is one of those guys. He's got the gift of voice as well which he utilizes in church pretty frequently. Its certainly a complex situation I've gotten into with this devilishly handsome dark skinned Christmas baby. Yep he was born Dec 25th. Jay is still getting his life together after leaving Liberia under threat of murder for being gay. It took two years for him to finally get working papers and now he recently got a California ID. Right now he's working at a restaurant that works him so much he barely has any time to himself. Letting him move in will definitely help me out alot financially. Even though I'm not sure how long this will last. Moving out of Cali is still something I think about constantly. Right now I have my eye on a place called Spokane. I think I'll take it over Canada and Detroit. Gotta go over there to see what the job prospects are. Its possible maybe Jay can come with me. This whole make a living off film is taking longer than I would like. Seriously. Yet I realize I don't need to live here in Cali or even in Detroit to work on two webseries that take place in these areas. Honestly I have wondered about ending the webseries. Recently I had some footage shot that will introduce two new concepts. "SinsofLegend" and "Daughters of Legend". One will be a short film and one a full length. Both will be aimed at film festivals. I think Sins will be about 45 minutes long and Daughters of Legend will be the full length because I have a pretty big story planned for that. Keeping my two webseries going is expensive plus it has not yielded any financial rewards. Yes it has put me out there and introduced people to the universe I'm trying to build but perhaps I can simply move the storylines into the other more potentially profitable projects. Who am I kidding. These other projects HAVE to be profitable. Its not like I have an unending supply of moolah. In a perfect world I would just keep doing both webseries and pay someone else to make the other films. This makes me wanna try crowdfunding again. This type of thing failed me already too many times so the thing to do might be to bring in someone else to handle the campaigns. Theres a guy named Jake who worked as a PA with me I've been talking to about coming on to help out with writing and the more business end of things. Jake kinda looks like Quentin Tarantino. Man it would be something to get someone like Quentin Tarantino,Guillermo Del Toro or Robert Rodrigues working on one of my projects. I'd also like to work with Eli Roth. Spike Lee too even though I worry he might be mean. Spielberg,Lucas and Coppolla are also on my list. Geez I can only imagine how much my concepts would soar under their direction/guidance. Danielzilla seems to be doing a great job of fixing the things wrong with SonsofLegend but man is it hard to deal with him at times. The man may well be a genius at what he does but I have NEVER met anyone who makes me as crazy as he does. On set sometimes he's difficult too. We have gotten into some arguments that made me say I'm never gonna work with this guy again. But I go back because he is awesome as an editor and I love what he brings to my series. I think he represents (in on a larger scale than I'd like to admit) the audience I need to win over with my work. Sometimes in life you have to take the good with the bad. I've yet to meet the person who is perfect. Mostly I suck at dealing with people outside of my projects and its even worse dealing with difficult personalities. The only way I've learned to deal with such individuals is by simply keeping them at a distance in your life. No matter how much we may ultimately love them.
My birthday is coming up on the 15th. I've no idea what I'm doing. It was my plan to take a trip to Detroit to do some filming but I'm having to accept that trip will have to wait till my moolah is better. Probably Around October. Maybe I'll go see the new Ninja Turtles film. Jay mentioned wanting to do something but I've not put alot of stock in that as he has disappointed me so many times in the past. If I'm gonna end up being alone on my birthday I'd rather it not be a surprise you know? This has happened alot lately....spending holidays alone. After awhile you kinda get used to it. Then when you get numb you don't really care if the girlfriend or boyfriend isn't around. There was a time when I was very much in serious like with Jay. I love him but I'm not in love with him. Maybe I was at one time but now it seems a lost memory. I think I have a better chance of spending my birthday with Frank Ocean/Michael Sams than Jay. No joke. Because if his job calls he will be there. I don't think he's really aware I could actually meet someone else at any moment and it would potentially change things in an instant. It bothers me that he seems to almost not care enough to fight for us. Moving in with me might simply be a means to an end. Like a convenient business arrangement. He's such a mystery to me no matter how much we talk. Maybe I should just try to get out of town for awhile to clear my head. I have to go to DMV to renew my California ID and I also have to renew my guard card this week. This I'll probably do tomorrow when I get off work. Last time I was at DMV Michael Jackson had died and they were showing the funeral live on Hulu. I was in and out of that place so quickly I couldn't believe it. Maybe they were all home watching the funeral? Usually it takes forever to get out of there so I'll make sure to bring at least one of my portable game devices with me. As for Aug 15th I should do something special for myself and not depend on someone else to contribute anything. So what to do? Shit I wish I could afford to get an Xbox One! Maybe I should get a nice hotel room and do something wild and freaky with a sexy total stranger then we could fall asleep in each others arms watching a horror movie....
Happy Birthday in advance to me.
