Just watched "Split". It was a pretty cool movie. Things are quiet here at the job. Its a holiday weekend so the maintenance aren't even here this morning. Theres another guard here as usual. Theres a cute white guy outside in his car. I went out to check because the lights were on in his vehicle and I wanted to make sure he was okay as he was out there for awhile. He's laid back in his car. Buried in his cellphone. Basically. Like so many other people these days. How in the world can you walk around texting someone almost constantly? But I don't judge. Its just a sign of the times how disconnected folks are from everything. Now getting back to "Split"I really enjoyed the suspenseful nature of the film and the topic of multiple personalities is an intriguing one. I was kinda interested in seeing the film when it first came out but when I heard theres a connection with Nights film "Unbreakable" I knew I had to see it. "Unbreakable" is one of my favorite films ever. I think "Highlander" is the only film I like more. In case you haven't seen either of these films "Highlander" is about a guy named Conner who discovers he's immortal and he is destined to do battle with another immortal (Kurgan) who is evil. Conners thing is he is scared to let anyone come into his life because its too painful seeing them grow old and die. So for all his power,knowledge (and incredibly expensive antique collection!) Conner is a pretty sad person since he's lost so many over the years. He is also one of the only two immortals left alive since Kurgan killed all the others. The film has some breathtaking cinematography. Its also cool the crew went to Scotland to shoot it. They also built a freaking castle! Also I love the sword fights. The immortals all fight with swords as they can only be killed by beheading. The immortal doing the beheading absorbs all the power and knowledge from the one he kills. Highlander went on to become a pop cultural phenomena. It spawned five movies. Two tv shows. Novels. Cartoons. Videogames. T-Shirts. Music collections. Clothes. Comic books. So yeah it was and still is a hot property. Supposedly a remake is in the works. "Unbreakable" is about a security guard who with help from his son discovers he has super powers. He's amazingly strong and pretty much indestructible. He survives a train crash with not even a scratch. He can also touch people and absorb information about them. Water seems to be his "Kryptonite". I'm not so big on water myself. "Unbreakable" was in my opinion Night Shyamalans best film. Ever. I enjoyed "Sixth Sense" like so many others but kinda felt it was a bit overrated. Anyway I am always scared when people make sequels to things that were perfect. All the other films Night did were okay. A few were just not so okay. Although I am probably the only person in the world who enjoyed "Last Airbender" even though he cast a little white kid when he clearly should have used a Chinese kid. The little white kid was pretty good with his kung fu though.... "Split" dealt with a guy with 24 multiple personalities who took three girls hostage with the intent to eat two of them he considered unworthy. The supernatural twist is that he can actually gain different traits from each personality thats dominant. Super strength. Healing. Sticking to walls like Spider-man. He also has some of Supermans invulnerability as well apparently. At the end of "Split" you discover its actually a sequel to "Unbreakable". Now I have been hearing talk of a sequel for years yet it seemed it wasn't gonna happen. You know kinda like how that "Kill Bill" sequel probably won't ever happen even though Tarantino said he was gonna do one YEARS ago.
Posted a new episode of my "DragonManx" webseries hours ago. Not gonna lie because after I watched it I was kinda mad at some of my bad acting and some of the effects were not as good as I would have liked. Still it just inspired me to make a better episode the next time around which might be sooner than later. I might as well work on something else right now since I can't do anything "Daughters of Legend" related until I can raise more moolah. I think maybe this week Ima try to get some of the cast together so we can work on our scenes. Also gotta work on that chemistry thing. Its a pet peeve of mine that I don't like going a month without working on a film project in some capacity. I'm meeting with a writer this week by the way. A woman writer actually who is gonna help me on the script as well as in producing the SonsofLegend full length film. I am gonna meet today with a guy who I've known for awhile now regarding production on the "SonsofLegend" full length project as well. Next month and in July a couple of other guys are gonna meet up with me too. Right now they are out of town on gigs. Been assembling quite a team for SOL. Its gonna be something else. Hopefully I can still utilize some of the footage I already had shot in Michigan. The big thing I have to worry about at the moment is getting the money for these projects. So I'm gonna be working on getting a press package of sorts together. Need to get some artwork done. Need a teaser trailer. Already came up with a concept while in San Diego. Would also like to do some kind of a photo shoot with the cast in costumes. Now you see why I need production assistance right? I need a production partner to help me carry the load. So yeah theres that. Maybe dude I'm meeting up with today can do that. Hopefully he won't be too spread out with other projects though. Will probably go back to Michigan in June to shoot more scenes for DM or SOL. I think its safe to say its time I start strongly considering getting my own film equipment too to save moolah....
Monday, May 29, 2017
Sunday, May 28, 2017
DragonManx. Season 2 Episode 5. Remixed version coming soon.
Doing some changes to this version because I noticed some things that bothered me. The part where Phillip says "When did you learn how to fly" and also my audio near the end where I say "I'm coming to save you!"
Went to San Diego for a few days and just got back in town yesterday. It was one of those I gotta get out of town before I totally lose my mind kinda things. I guess. So much on my mind at times it feels like the world is falling out from under me. So I caught a greyhound Thursday almost at the last minute really. A buddy of mine came into San Diego on business and we've been chatting for like two years and shit so we'd planned to meet up. I was on the fence about going because part of me really just wanted to stay home. I keep saying I'm gonna clean up my cluttered apartment but that has yet to happen on the scale it needs to. Plus I really needed to do my laundry. Laundry is something I'd put off for awhile but the fact I was running out of socks and underwear made it more of a priority. The night before my trip I barely got to sleep and I had to take sleeping pills to get me there. Had to basically pry myself away from the PS4 because of a level in DOOM I'm STILL stuck on. Seems the AI has determined its going to make sure I don't advance any further in the game. Sucks. Anyway I'd taken some sleeping pills to make sure I could sleep. Even set the alarm on the cell phone. Cell phone no longer rings unless a speaker is plugged into it. Don't know why or how that happened. Seems the speakers just up and died or something. The plan was to wake up around 8am,shower,shave,brush the teeth then do my laundry at 10am and be out the door by 12noon. Woke up on time but decided to lay there for awhile and ended up waking up around 12:30pm! It was a very near thing....me canceling the trip altogether yet in the end the idea of taking a break from LA won over. By the time everything was done it was around 4pmish when an UBER arrived to pick me up. When we arrived at the greyhound station there were about three people in the line in front of me. Some were taking totally too long as they talked with the clerk. I was starting to get worried because I heard someone say over the loud speaker that the San Diego bus was about to leave at 5pm. The time was around 4:47pmish. Had to run to the bus after getting my ticket. If I'd been ten minutes later getting to the station I probably would have missed that bus and maybe the wait would have been an hour.
The bus ride to San Diego was pretty peaceful and uneventful. Although I did pass by a cool looking costume shop on route. Should have written down the damn address. Ugh. We need costumes for the Daughters of Legend short film. Had two whole seats to myself the whole trip. Sat my backpack next to me on the floor. It was one of those huge sporty type backpacks. I'd packed a few articles of clothing. Enough for two days and back up for an extra day. Because you never know if Godzilla will attack the city you're visiting and you will be stuck in some underground bunker waiting for things to calm down. Best not to do that with stinky underwear.... Had some toothpaste. A toothbrush. Antiperspirant. Q-tips. Tissue in case of a snot attack. Then theres the gadgets. My PS4. My PS Vita. The Kindle. The iPad. Phone (of course even though I'm thinking of getting rid of a phone altogether) and there was some snacks. An apple (which really saved me from starvation!) A soda. Had cords, chargers and cables for everything too. Thank GOD that the companies mostly use universal cords and chargers. Well except for Apple. Grrrr. Damn proprietary shit. Fucked up greedy ass companies man. Ugh anyway.... Mostly I just listened to music on my iPad or watched some Netflix. Thankfully Netflix now allows you to download stuff to watch offline in case you have sucky internet. Like on the bus and at the station! Watched a show called "Travelers" about a few people from the future who come back to jack people's bodies right before they die then they basically make sure certain things proceed in the time stream. Its an interesting show. And yes there are black people in it. Thank GOD. Theres also one particularly cute brotha although he's kind of a jerk. Well he is a jerk because he beats on his wifey. Jerk city. Jerkopulis.
It was 8pmish when we reached San Diego. I called a guy I'd befriended on a popular gay date site. I'll call him "E". He's a SD resident. He'd checked around for me for reasonably priced hotels in the area. The plan was to meet up with him for dinner then I was gonna go meet my visiting buddy. I'll call him "S". The wi-fi was so bad at the greyhound station (or was it just my tablet?) I couldn't use the Apps to summon UBER or LYFT. See I don't have a smart phone. I only have my wi-fi enabled devices for the internet. My phone is actually quite outdated to be honest. Ended up walking across the street to a taxi. He directed me to another parked taxi. The trip to a nearby motel 6 cost me about $15.00. An UBER or LYFT would have been alot less. Especially if I took the pool option. Thats where you share a ride with other passengers and the cost is split. The bus ride cost $33.00 by the way. So I get to the motel. Had to wait in line for a bit because someone was asking for help with the wi-fi. Turns out you get only one wi-fi code for one device. You likely have to pay extra for another code. Got a room. Asked for a non smoking area. Funny thing is the whole time I was in the room I smelled smoke. Not sure if it was the room itself or maybe it was coming from somewhere else. Opening the window was the only time I stopped smelling it. Really should have took the clerk up on it when she offered me another room. You know. Eventually the smell gave me a headache. "E" came to the motel to meet me. He didn't really look much like his photos. In the photos he appeared to be at least ten to fifteen years younger. Also he was in better shape. Dude claimed his pics were recent but theres just NO WAY. And no he wasn't ugly or fugly. I just didn't find him to be attractive at all. He told me he was 54. It was likely he was 64. Around 5 feet 8. My height. Maybe more meat on his bones than me. Short hair. Kinda brown skinned. Darker than how he looked in the photos he'd sent. Not that that matters to me. Dark,light,brown or inbetween it doesn't really matter. Although darker guys seem to have an edge in the hotness department. But....yeah. So "E" came over by UBER or LYFT and we walked over to check out some of the food places in the downtown area. After we walked around for a bit I decided upon a place that would probably have something on the menu I'd like. Hard Rock Cafe was the choice. The place was about to close but they let us in. He ordered the same as me. These really delicious Maui Maui tacos that came with a variety of sauces. We sat and talked for awhile then we caught a LYFT back to the motel. Things got a bit awkward because dude kept talking about how horny he was. He also was acting as if he didn't wanna leave even though he kept saying how early he had to get up in the morning. He did eventually take off. About an hour later I'd say. I suppose he'd planned to spend the night since he'd brought some things with him in a sorta duffle bag whatyamacallit. But there was just no way because I wasn't feeling him like that you know?
I spent the night alone. "S" was too tired and I'd have to wait to see him in the morning. "S" is a pretty cool guy and he's certainly attractive. For the record. I was not looking to have sex with him. I mean we could have done the cuddle thing. Its been a long time since I've really been able to do that with anyone. Its that one therapeutic thing I probably need more than anything and guys just want to skip straight to the sex without it. Maybe thats why "S" thinks I'm like that. Why do I say that? This is the second time he's made it clear I'd be sleeping on the couch if I ever came thru for a visit on one of his trips. I will say it does make me feel alittle weird that someone assumes I wanna have sex and will make a move on them because thats what plenty of other gay men would do. Its something to be lumped into a group like that. Then again maybe you really shouldn't trust anyone. Maybe me and "S" are not even sexually compatible? Maybe his religious beliefs and his career aspirations make it impossible for him to go there with anyone at this moment in time. I can relate. Sometimes I think I'm probably gonna be rich and famous before I ever have sex again with a guy. Seems the energy to make it happen just isn't quite there. Makes it hard when you look around and see the competition. With their perfect bodies. Perfect jobs. Perfect cars. Perfect college degrees. Mostly I feel because I'm not that perfect thing so many of these gay men want I just don't stand a chance and then the part of my brain that does care it just....goes dormant. Every now and then the courage to try and believe in hope surfaces and I'll go on a date site looking for something but all I see is muscles,dicks,asses in my face. Its like a big meat market now and because I value how we used to value each other before things changed....well because of that somethings wrong with me. I'm corny or people run away because my capacity to love, to want or to be more than a sex machine....quite frankly it scares the hell out of them. Yeah I admit I have some issues but when I look around I realize now that most of these mother fuckers have issues that make mine pale in comparison. When did the whole gay dating world go to shit? When did it all go to hell? Because thats what it feels like when you are surrounded by a bunch of people beautiful on the outside but damaged so much on the inside they no longer believe in love. Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink indeed. I predict "S" will go on to acheive great things. He might even as I've joked one day become President. Yet there might come a time when some sort of loneliness catches up with him. He may find as I did it was a mistake keeping some folks at arms length. It could have been magic. I guess. So many of us run from magic for so many various reasons. So many of us run from so many various things for so many various reasons.
Morning came but not quickly enough. Was up till about 4am playing DOOM. Head was hurting. Took some advil. Had to open the window to get rid of the smokey smell. Even if it did make the room a bit chilly. Just a bit. Finally went to bed yet sleep came in spurts. Yeah me was miserable. A city called misery. Miseryopolis. Couldn't risk a sleeping pill because it would have mixed with the advil. All in all I must have gotten about 2 hours sleep. No joke. Who can sleep when you can't get comfortable since you are tossing and turning attempting to find a position where the pain in your head doesn't seem to get more aggravated? Lawd. Quickly got up at 8am. Showered. Brushed the teeth. Everything was charged. Was packed ready and out the door in an hour because "S" let me know that instead of breakfast starting at 10am as I'd originally thought it actually was ending at 10am. Caught an Uber after having to deal with the damn app repeatedly crashing. The clerk called a cab for me which arrived right at the time the Uber app decided to finally work. The ride to the hotel was pretty cool. Had good conversation with the driver. Usually that happens unless I get one of those no talking types or just an asshole. That happens sometimes. Hey people aren't required to speak with me. I can tell when someone doesn't want to be bothered and I know how to zip it. Sometimes people are racist,homophobic or theres a language barrier. Regardless alot of the time people like to talk. Maybe that type of job tends to attract more socially adept folks? Dunno. So anyhow...had to walk thru a crowded ass lobby to get to the elevator so I could meet "S" upstairs in his room. Gotta tell you about me and crowds. Its something akin to walking thru a firing squad when you've got bad nerves. You wanna run and hide because you feel everyone is looking at you. Lady Gaga says getting rid of her crazy would stunt her creativity. Its a part of who you are she says but on some days you really really wish you could quiet the crazy. "S" was happy to see me. We gave a little cordial hug. Complete with the patting action. Then we went downstairs. Needed to stand in line for the waffles which we had to make ourselves. I managed to make a mess because you have to fill a little cup with the batter then you pour it into the hot iron thingie which I knocked over spilling half my batter. Relax none got on the floor. It was all contained in a little area of the device no doubt created for folks like me. Still can't believe that happened. Wasn't much of a waffle left to tell you the truth after "S" came to my rescue. He quickly flipped the waffle machine thing over before all my batter could seep out. Yeah it was somewhat embarrassing. On some levels I might be some sort of a genius yet sometimes the simplest of things can trip me up. Probably looked like "a damned fool" to "S'. Perhaps on the inside he was laughing at the whole thing. Me? Disappearing at that moment in time would have been a gift. I was so nervous I just poured some caramel syrup on the mutant waffle and then proceeded to pile bacon,eggs,potatoes and a danish on it. Yeah it was a socially awkward moment for me. Maybe its natural to be nervous around someone you like? I mean to say
"S" is cute. He's tall. Taller than I thought. Around 6 feet 3. He has a kinda stocky somewhat muscular build. He's brown skinned. Has a beard with his mustache. And its not likely anyone in his family knows he's gay. Or bi. Or however he chooses to identify. Its his business. We talked as we ate breakfast. Some political stuff. Some videogame stuff. He'd left his own PS4 Pro back at his place before he came to San Diego as it was raining at the time and he didn't wanna risk it getting wet. When we got back to his room I just plopped right down on the bed and promptly entered some sort of food coma. Shortly after "S" had to head out and I called a LYFT to take me to the greyhound station. Had a cute Uber driver. He was a young man who was racially ambiguous. If I had to guess I'd say he was possibly white mixed with black. We talked alot (or I did) about videogames. He is a gamer. Around 24ish. Think he said either he or a family member had a Nintendo Switch. He's into comics a bit too. But he's really behind in alot of the stuff thats happening now. It was really something to try and explain how crazy and convoluted Marvel and DC comics have gotten lately let me tell you. But DAMN was he cute! And when I got to the station the wait was about 30 minutes after getting a ticket. It was like 28 dollars. 5 less than the trip from LA. Also I was surprised when the cute mixed brotha asked to check my backpack as they'd not done so in LA. Actually its a bit alarming they don't in LA. On the way back I kinda slept between listening to music and watching Netflix. Played some videogames and read some comics. A kinda cute hispanic kid asked me if he could sit next to me. I told him sure and tired to keep an eye out for that costume shop on the way. All I know is it was Halloween something. Maybe Halloween Outlet? Dunno. But I like the costumes I saw in the display case outside as we'd driven by on the way to SD.
The trip back to downtown LA took like an hour longer than it was supposed to. Holiday weekend traffic. (tomorrow is Memorial Day). As usual I couldn't get the wi-fi to work at the stupid station, Ended up taking the MTA bus to the MTA train station as there was NO WAY I was gonna spend $25 dollars on a cab. Thats how much the driver told me when I approached. On the bus ride to the train station an Asian lady got into an accident in her car as another vehicle collided with hers. The driver tried to leave the scene like an idjit but since traffic really wasn't moving he was only able to get about a block away. The lady simply jumped out of her car to chase him down. I caught the train at 7th and Metro to the Wilshire and Vermont station. Stopped thru Gamestop on the way. Was mostly looking for a Vita memory card. They didn't have any. The cards are also WAY expensive. Sony should be ashamed of the price of these things. Proprietary shit. You can't use regular SD cards like um....everything else. Stopped at Chipotle. Got home. Had to pay my director and editor moolah I owe them for my projects so they scooped me up for a quick drive to the bank. Got back home and rested a bit before it was UBER time again for work. Did some thinking though. About my projects. Thinking about some of the things I came up with in SD too. Ideas. Concepts. Conversations I've had with some folks about making some changes. Gonna have to look into taking out a loan to help me finance this stuff. No way around it because even with an investor helping things are moving too slow and at this rate it will take another year to get these babies done. Kickstarter or any crowdfunding campaigns seem like a waste of time as they haven't worked for me. But thats something to worry about later. Got some meetings coming up and even more big decisions to make like where am I gonna be living at this time next year and what am I gonna do about my feelings for a certain person living in North Dakota. How much longer can I continue working a regular type job? Let me say if you see me walking and I look mad I'm probably not. More than likely its just that theres alot on my mind and I could use a hug. I think we all could use a hug sometimes.
So yeah I get to work last night to find out the other guard called in sick apparently therefore I worked alone after 11pm. An event was just wrapping up. There were quite a few folks still left on site too. They fed me though. So that was good. Pasta and a salad. Afterwards had to chase off crazy drag queen trans prostitutes. Stopped a few folks from having sex in front of the building. Felt bad because I wasn't able to feed the cat that hangs out onsite. Got partially startled by a little person who was painting in the gallery which no one bothered to tell me he was even in there! Then I got a sobering reminder of what happened in Orlando last year when I came across a cool little memorial someone made in remembrance of the victims who died needlessly at the hands of that madman. Don't like to speak ill of the dead but man everytime I think of that shit the anger wounds just open back up again. Crazy people trying to kill us for being Black. Crazy people trying to kill us for being gay. Crazy people who hate me/us for being....different. Nothing wrong with being crazy. Lots of good crazy people after all. But when crazy is used for evil it creates a special kind of evil in my opinion. Nothing more dangerous than the bad guy who actually believes he's doing the right thing. Except maybe the crazy good guy who has to stop them. I guess. Thats me. The crazy good guy. Sometimes my super power is also the source of my pain. My kryptonite or....my Vervain then.
The bus ride to San Diego was pretty peaceful and uneventful. Although I did pass by a cool looking costume shop on route. Should have written down the damn address. Ugh. We need costumes for the Daughters of Legend short film. Had two whole seats to myself the whole trip. Sat my backpack next to me on the floor. It was one of those huge sporty type backpacks. I'd packed a few articles of clothing. Enough for two days and back up for an extra day. Because you never know if Godzilla will attack the city you're visiting and you will be stuck in some underground bunker waiting for things to calm down. Best not to do that with stinky underwear.... Had some toothpaste. A toothbrush. Antiperspirant. Q-tips. Tissue in case of a snot attack. Then theres the gadgets. My PS4. My PS Vita. The Kindle. The iPad. Phone (of course even though I'm thinking of getting rid of a phone altogether) and there was some snacks. An apple (which really saved me from starvation!) A soda. Had cords, chargers and cables for everything too. Thank GOD that the companies mostly use universal cords and chargers. Well except for Apple. Grrrr. Damn proprietary shit. Fucked up greedy ass companies man. Ugh anyway.... Mostly I just listened to music on my iPad or watched some Netflix. Thankfully Netflix now allows you to download stuff to watch offline in case you have sucky internet. Like on the bus and at the station! Watched a show called "Travelers" about a few people from the future who come back to jack people's bodies right before they die then they basically make sure certain things proceed in the time stream. Its an interesting show. And yes there are black people in it. Thank GOD. Theres also one particularly cute brotha although he's kind of a jerk. Well he is a jerk because he beats on his wifey. Jerk city. Jerkopulis.
It was 8pmish when we reached San Diego. I called a guy I'd befriended on a popular gay date site. I'll call him "E". He's a SD resident. He'd checked around for me for reasonably priced hotels in the area. The plan was to meet up with him for dinner then I was gonna go meet my visiting buddy. I'll call him "S". The wi-fi was so bad at the greyhound station (or was it just my tablet?) I couldn't use the Apps to summon UBER or LYFT. See I don't have a smart phone. I only have my wi-fi enabled devices for the internet. My phone is actually quite outdated to be honest. Ended up walking across the street to a taxi. He directed me to another parked taxi. The trip to a nearby motel 6 cost me about $15.00. An UBER or LYFT would have been alot less. Especially if I took the pool option. Thats where you share a ride with other passengers and the cost is split. The bus ride cost $33.00 by the way. So I get to the motel. Had to wait in line for a bit because someone was asking for help with the wi-fi. Turns out you get only one wi-fi code for one device. You likely have to pay extra for another code. Got a room. Asked for a non smoking area. Funny thing is the whole time I was in the room I smelled smoke. Not sure if it was the room itself or maybe it was coming from somewhere else. Opening the window was the only time I stopped smelling it. Really should have took the clerk up on it when she offered me another room. You know. Eventually the smell gave me a headache. "E" came to the motel to meet me. He didn't really look much like his photos. In the photos he appeared to be at least ten to fifteen years younger. Also he was in better shape. Dude claimed his pics were recent but theres just NO WAY. And no he wasn't ugly or fugly. I just didn't find him to be attractive at all. He told me he was 54. It was likely he was 64. Around 5 feet 8. My height. Maybe more meat on his bones than me. Short hair. Kinda brown skinned. Darker than how he looked in the photos he'd sent. Not that that matters to me. Dark,light,brown or inbetween it doesn't really matter. Although darker guys seem to have an edge in the hotness department. But....yeah. So "E" came over by UBER or LYFT and we walked over to check out some of the food places in the downtown area. After we walked around for a bit I decided upon a place that would probably have something on the menu I'd like. Hard Rock Cafe was the choice. The place was about to close but they let us in. He ordered the same as me. These really delicious Maui Maui tacos that came with a variety of sauces. We sat and talked for awhile then we caught a LYFT back to the motel. Things got a bit awkward because dude kept talking about how horny he was. He also was acting as if he didn't wanna leave even though he kept saying how early he had to get up in the morning. He did eventually take off. About an hour later I'd say. I suppose he'd planned to spend the night since he'd brought some things with him in a sorta duffle bag whatyamacallit. But there was just no way because I wasn't feeling him like that you know?
I spent the night alone. "S" was too tired and I'd have to wait to see him in the morning. "S" is a pretty cool guy and he's certainly attractive. For the record. I was not looking to have sex with him. I mean we could have done the cuddle thing. Its been a long time since I've really been able to do that with anyone. Its that one therapeutic thing I probably need more than anything and guys just want to skip straight to the sex without it. Maybe thats why "S" thinks I'm like that. Why do I say that? This is the second time he's made it clear I'd be sleeping on the couch if I ever came thru for a visit on one of his trips. I will say it does make me feel alittle weird that someone assumes I wanna have sex and will make a move on them because thats what plenty of other gay men would do. Its something to be lumped into a group like that. Then again maybe you really shouldn't trust anyone. Maybe me and "S" are not even sexually compatible? Maybe his religious beliefs and his career aspirations make it impossible for him to go there with anyone at this moment in time. I can relate. Sometimes I think I'm probably gonna be rich and famous before I ever have sex again with a guy. Seems the energy to make it happen just isn't quite there. Makes it hard when you look around and see the competition. With their perfect bodies. Perfect jobs. Perfect cars. Perfect college degrees. Mostly I feel because I'm not that perfect thing so many of these gay men want I just don't stand a chance and then the part of my brain that does care it just....goes dormant. Every now and then the courage to try and believe in hope surfaces and I'll go on a date site looking for something but all I see is muscles,dicks,asses in my face. Its like a big meat market now and because I value how we used to value each other before things changed....well because of that somethings wrong with me. I'm corny or people run away because my capacity to love, to want or to be more than a sex machine....quite frankly it scares the hell out of them. Yeah I admit I have some issues but when I look around I realize now that most of these mother fuckers have issues that make mine pale in comparison. When did the whole gay dating world go to shit? When did it all go to hell? Because thats what it feels like when you are surrounded by a bunch of people beautiful on the outside but damaged so much on the inside they no longer believe in love. Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink indeed. I predict "S" will go on to acheive great things. He might even as I've joked one day become President. Yet there might come a time when some sort of loneliness catches up with him. He may find as I did it was a mistake keeping some folks at arms length. It could have been magic. I guess. So many of us run from magic for so many various reasons. So many of us run from so many various things for so many various reasons.
Morning came but not quickly enough. Was up till about 4am playing DOOM. Head was hurting. Took some advil. Had to open the window to get rid of the smokey smell. Even if it did make the room a bit chilly. Just a bit. Finally went to bed yet sleep came in spurts. Yeah me was miserable. A city called misery. Miseryopolis. Couldn't risk a sleeping pill because it would have mixed with the advil. All in all I must have gotten about 2 hours sleep. No joke. Who can sleep when you can't get comfortable since you are tossing and turning attempting to find a position where the pain in your head doesn't seem to get more aggravated? Lawd. Quickly got up at 8am. Showered. Brushed the teeth. Everything was charged. Was packed ready and out the door in an hour because "S" let me know that instead of breakfast starting at 10am as I'd originally thought it actually was ending at 10am. Caught an Uber after having to deal with the damn app repeatedly crashing. The clerk called a cab for me which arrived right at the time the Uber app decided to finally work. The ride to the hotel was pretty cool. Had good conversation with the driver. Usually that happens unless I get one of those no talking types or just an asshole. That happens sometimes. Hey people aren't required to speak with me. I can tell when someone doesn't want to be bothered and I know how to zip it. Sometimes people are racist,homophobic or theres a language barrier. Regardless alot of the time people like to talk. Maybe that type of job tends to attract more socially adept folks? Dunno. So anyhow...had to walk thru a crowded ass lobby to get to the elevator so I could meet "S" upstairs in his room. Gotta tell you about me and crowds. Its something akin to walking thru a firing squad when you've got bad nerves. You wanna run and hide because you feel everyone is looking at you. Lady Gaga says getting rid of her crazy would stunt her creativity. Its a part of who you are she says but on some days you really really wish you could quiet the crazy. "S" was happy to see me. We gave a little cordial hug. Complete with the patting action. Then we went downstairs. Needed to stand in line for the waffles which we had to make ourselves. I managed to make a mess because you have to fill a little cup with the batter then you pour it into the hot iron thingie which I knocked over spilling half my batter. Relax none got on the floor. It was all contained in a little area of the device no doubt created for folks like me. Still can't believe that happened. Wasn't much of a waffle left to tell you the truth after "S" came to my rescue. He quickly flipped the waffle machine thing over before all my batter could seep out. Yeah it was somewhat embarrassing. On some levels I might be some sort of a genius yet sometimes the simplest of things can trip me up. Probably looked like "a damned fool" to "S'. Perhaps on the inside he was laughing at the whole thing. Me? Disappearing at that moment in time would have been a gift. I was so nervous I just poured some caramel syrup on the mutant waffle and then proceeded to pile bacon,eggs,potatoes and a danish on it. Yeah it was a socially awkward moment for me. Maybe its natural to be nervous around someone you like? I mean to say
"S" is cute. He's tall. Taller than I thought. Around 6 feet 3. He has a kinda stocky somewhat muscular build. He's brown skinned. Has a beard with his mustache. And its not likely anyone in his family knows he's gay. Or bi. Or however he chooses to identify. Its his business. We talked as we ate breakfast. Some political stuff. Some videogame stuff. He'd left his own PS4 Pro back at his place before he came to San Diego as it was raining at the time and he didn't wanna risk it getting wet. When we got back to his room I just plopped right down on the bed and promptly entered some sort of food coma. Shortly after "S" had to head out and I called a LYFT to take me to the greyhound station. Had a cute Uber driver. He was a young man who was racially ambiguous. If I had to guess I'd say he was possibly white mixed with black. We talked alot (or I did) about videogames. He is a gamer. Around 24ish. Think he said either he or a family member had a Nintendo Switch. He's into comics a bit too. But he's really behind in alot of the stuff thats happening now. It was really something to try and explain how crazy and convoluted Marvel and DC comics have gotten lately let me tell you. But DAMN was he cute! And when I got to the station the wait was about 30 minutes after getting a ticket. It was like 28 dollars. 5 less than the trip from LA. Also I was surprised when the cute mixed brotha asked to check my backpack as they'd not done so in LA. Actually its a bit alarming they don't in LA. On the way back I kinda slept between listening to music and watching Netflix. Played some videogames and read some comics. A kinda cute hispanic kid asked me if he could sit next to me. I told him sure and tired to keep an eye out for that costume shop on the way. All I know is it was Halloween something. Maybe Halloween Outlet? Dunno. But I like the costumes I saw in the display case outside as we'd driven by on the way to SD.
The trip back to downtown LA took like an hour longer than it was supposed to. Holiday weekend traffic. (tomorrow is Memorial Day). As usual I couldn't get the wi-fi to work at the stupid station, Ended up taking the MTA bus to the MTA train station as there was NO WAY I was gonna spend $25 dollars on a cab. Thats how much the driver told me when I approached. On the bus ride to the train station an Asian lady got into an accident in her car as another vehicle collided with hers. The driver tried to leave the scene like an idjit but since traffic really wasn't moving he was only able to get about a block away. The lady simply jumped out of her car to chase him down. I caught the train at 7th and Metro to the Wilshire and Vermont station. Stopped thru Gamestop on the way. Was mostly looking for a Vita memory card. They didn't have any. The cards are also WAY expensive. Sony should be ashamed of the price of these things. Proprietary shit. You can't use regular SD cards like um....everything else. Stopped at Chipotle. Got home. Had to pay my director and editor moolah I owe them for my projects so they scooped me up for a quick drive to the bank. Got back home and rested a bit before it was UBER time again for work. Did some thinking though. About my projects. Thinking about some of the things I came up with in SD too. Ideas. Concepts. Conversations I've had with some folks about making some changes. Gonna have to look into taking out a loan to help me finance this stuff. No way around it because even with an investor helping things are moving too slow and at this rate it will take another year to get these babies done. Kickstarter or any crowdfunding campaigns seem like a waste of time as they haven't worked for me. But thats something to worry about later. Got some meetings coming up and even more big decisions to make like where am I gonna be living at this time next year and what am I gonna do about my feelings for a certain person living in North Dakota. How much longer can I continue working a regular type job? Let me say if you see me walking and I look mad I'm probably not. More than likely its just that theres alot on my mind and I could use a hug. I think we all could use a hug sometimes.
So yeah I get to work last night to find out the other guard called in sick apparently therefore I worked alone after 11pm. An event was just wrapping up. There were quite a few folks still left on site too. They fed me though. So that was good. Pasta and a salad. Afterwards had to chase off crazy drag queen trans prostitutes. Stopped a few folks from having sex in front of the building. Felt bad because I wasn't able to feed the cat that hangs out onsite. Got partially startled by a little person who was painting in the gallery which no one bothered to tell me he was even in there! Then I got a sobering reminder of what happened in Orlando last year when I came across a cool little memorial someone made in remembrance of the victims who died needlessly at the hands of that madman. Don't like to speak ill of the dead but man everytime I think of that shit the anger wounds just open back up again. Crazy people trying to kill us for being Black. Crazy people trying to kill us for being gay. Crazy people who hate me/us for being....different. Nothing wrong with being crazy. Lots of good crazy people after all. But when crazy is used for evil it creates a special kind of evil in my opinion. Nothing more dangerous than the bad guy who actually believes he's doing the right thing. Except maybe the crazy good guy who has to stop them. I guess. Thats me. The crazy good guy. Sometimes my super power is also the source of my pain. My kryptonite or....my Vervain then.
Saturday, May 27, 2017
(Listening to Al Jarreau and other slow jam jazzy type stuff....)
So a few days ago we witnessed more insane mindless human cruelty. After an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester England, right as the people were leaving, a young man of Libyan descent detonated himself killing 22 innocent concertgoers. Seems we get on with our lives after things like this happen and then just as we are getting comfortable thinking maybe the world isn't so bad as we recover from all the mental scars of life BOOM out of nowhere something happens again and....
and we go back to being scared,angry,miserable or in some cases you feel numb because now this shit happens so much it has become almost normal enough not to generate much of a reaction from us.
Earlier at work (a few hours ago) while walking around doing a patrol I felt those returning yet always present emotions rushing to the surface again as I noticed here in the gallery a memorial that was created for the victims of the Florida nightclub shooting last year. 49 people lost their lives and it was for no reason. Well I guess there was a reason. Pure blind and unreasoning hatred wanted to lash out and make others feel that same pain. They say he was a closeted gay or bi guy himself. He wasn't ugly. And he certainly wasn't stupid because alot of thought went into his devious actions. Here was a guy who could have gone to school and gotten a nice career going for himself. With his looks and outward masculine wiles he could have had his choice of many mates male or female. Yet he chose to infiltrate as well as investigate a culture with intent to kill and cause dissent or confusion. Then he pledges allegiance to radical islamists. Its pretty insane to me that so many Middle Eastern men are killing themselves in the name of something like religion or deities they worship. I often wonder how much good they could actually do with the money and resources they waste on this shit if they chose to contribute something that could help the human race. Instead they will be remembered as lunatics who left behind a legacy that no one seems able to wipe out. Someone told me the other day that the only solution is to just let it just play itself out. Basically he feels that eventually with time there will come reasoning and education along with a willingness to abandon such horrific ways of thinking. Everytime one of these persons does something it makes the news. Gives them some attention. Makes them feel they are serving a being or beings and it has been said a collective consciousness can actually give life to something bigger than a people. When people get together and pray they can actually heal someone who is ailing. Wouldn't it be something if there really was a being who was being kept alive soley by feeding off the crazy thought energy being generated from causing all these mass killings? When we worship people we certainly give them power don't we? We pretty much give power to anything we worship. Our power.
People do bad things. Sometimes they come for us in our weakest most vulnerable moments. Attempting to stir up the nest. Sometimes its out of jealousy. Sometimes they can't let go of the past. And when we react....panicking....afraid to live our lives it really is like in a way we are worshipping them because we are giving them power. When we talk about them it means they exist. When we write about them it means they exist too I guess. Theres not really anyway to ignore whats right in front of us especially when it comes for you constantly in the night when theres noone around to help or understand. Sometimes the enemy becomes brave or smart enough to attack you in plain sight when people are around yet they have learned so well to do what they do one can even feel alone in the company of others. So now I understand why it is that bullying has such an allure to many. Terrorism is just that then?
Why else would some strange person in or from a far off land want to kill me? Has the government of the land I live in done something shadey to anger these people? If that is the case then on the behalf of all of us I would like to apologize because like so many others I'm tired of seeing on the news this insanity. I am afraid that the end result will be like that one dream of me running from one corner of the world for the rest of my days trying to get away from the destruction of mankind constantly trying to destroy itself. With me being stuck in the middle of conflicts I neither understand nor wish to be a part of. We are tired of being angry. Tired of having to bury our loved ones who should have lived to a ripe old age. We are sick of this chaos. Sick of watching kids having their innocence stolen as they are shaped into freaking weapons missiles dying burning fragments acrid ashes blowing in a wind building building into a tornado swirling red bloodied body parts and lost hopes solutions loves never to be realized as they were ripped away into upwards into the heavens before they even truly learned to run or walk upon this earth. You are making all of us ALL of us out to be prodigal children.
(ARIANA GRANDE'S LETTER....)
So a few days ago we witnessed more insane mindless human cruelty. After an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester England, right as the people were leaving, a young man of Libyan descent detonated himself killing 22 innocent concertgoers. Seems we get on with our lives after things like this happen and then just as we are getting comfortable thinking maybe the world isn't so bad as we recover from all the mental scars of life BOOM out of nowhere something happens again and....
and we go back to being scared,angry,miserable or in some cases you feel numb because now this shit happens so much it has become almost normal enough not to generate much of a reaction from us.
Earlier at work (a few hours ago) while walking around doing a patrol I felt those returning yet always present emotions rushing to the surface again as I noticed here in the gallery a memorial that was created for the victims of the Florida nightclub shooting last year. 49 people lost their lives and it was for no reason. Well I guess there was a reason. Pure blind and unreasoning hatred wanted to lash out and make others feel that same pain. They say he was a closeted gay or bi guy himself. He wasn't ugly. And he certainly wasn't stupid because alot of thought went into his devious actions. Here was a guy who could have gone to school and gotten a nice career going for himself. With his looks and outward masculine wiles he could have had his choice of many mates male or female. Yet he chose to infiltrate as well as investigate a culture with intent to kill and cause dissent or confusion. Then he pledges allegiance to radical islamists. Its pretty insane to me that so many Middle Eastern men are killing themselves in the name of something like religion or deities they worship. I often wonder how much good they could actually do with the money and resources they waste on this shit if they chose to contribute something that could help the human race. Instead they will be remembered as lunatics who left behind a legacy that no one seems able to wipe out. Someone told me the other day that the only solution is to just let it just play itself out. Basically he feels that eventually with time there will come reasoning and education along with a willingness to abandon such horrific ways of thinking. Everytime one of these persons does something it makes the news. Gives them some attention. Makes them feel they are serving a being or beings and it has been said a collective consciousness can actually give life to something bigger than a people. When people get together and pray they can actually heal someone who is ailing. Wouldn't it be something if there really was a being who was being kept alive soley by feeding off the crazy thought energy being generated from causing all these mass killings? When we worship people we certainly give them power don't we? We pretty much give power to anything we worship. Our power.
People do bad things. Sometimes they come for us in our weakest most vulnerable moments. Attempting to stir up the nest. Sometimes its out of jealousy. Sometimes they can't let go of the past. And when we react....panicking....afraid to live our lives it really is like in a way we are worshipping them because we are giving them power. When we talk about them it means they exist. When we write about them it means they exist too I guess. Theres not really anyway to ignore whats right in front of us especially when it comes for you constantly in the night when theres noone around to help or understand. Sometimes the enemy becomes brave or smart enough to attack you in plain sight when people are around yet they have learned so well to do what they do one can even feel alone in the company of others. So now I understand why it is that bullying has such an allure to many. Terrorism is just that then?
Why else would some strange person in or from a far off land want to kill me? Has the government of the land I live in done something shadey to anger these people? If that is the case then on the behalf of all of us I would like to apologize because like so many others I'm tired of seeing on the news this insanity. I am afraid that the end result will be like that one dream of me running from one corner of the world for the rest of my days trying to get away from the destruction of mankind constantly trying to destroy itself. With me being stuck in the middle of conflicts I neither understand nor wish to be a part of. We are tired of being angry. Tired of having to bury our loved ones who should have lived to a ripe old age. We are sick of this chaos. Sick of watching kids having their innocence stolen as they are shaped into freaking weapons missiles dying burning fragments acrid ashes blowing in a wind building building into a tornado swirling red bloodied body parts and lost hopes solutions loves never to be realized as they were ripped away into upwards into the heavens before they even truly learned to run or walk upon this earth. You are making all of us ALL of us out to be prodigal children.
(ARIANA GRANDE'S LETTER....)
My heart, prayers and deepest condolences are with the victims of the Manchester Attack and their loved ones.
There is nothing I or anyone can do to take away the pain you are feeling or to make this better. However, I extend my hand and heart and everything I possibly can give to you and yours, should you want or need my help in any way.
The only thing we can do now is choose how we let this affect us and how we will live our lives from here on out.
I have been thinking of my fans, and of you all, non stop over the past week. The way you have handled all of this has been more inspiring and made me more proud than you’ll ever know. The compassion, kindness, love, strength, and oneness that you’ve shown one another this past week is the exact opposite of the heinous intentions it must take to pull off something as evil as what happened Monday.
YOU are the opposite.
I am sorry for the pain and fear that you must be feeling and for the trauma that you, too, must be experiencing.
We will never be able to understand why events like this take place because it is not in our nature, which is why we shouldn’t recoil.
We will not quit or operate in fear.
We won’t let this divide us.
We won’t let hate win.
I don’t want to go the rest of the year without being able to hold and uplift my fans, the same way they continue to uplift me.
Our response to this violence must be to come closer together, to help each other, to love more, to sing louder and to live more kindly and generously than we did before.
I’ll be returning to the incredibly brave city of Manchester to spend time with my fans and to have a benefit concert in honor of and to raise money for the victims and their families. I want to thank my fellow musicians and friends for reaching out to be a part of our expression of love for Manchester. I will have details to share with you as soon as everything is confirmed.
From the day we stared putting the Dangerous Woman Tour together, I said that this show, more than anything else, was intended to be asafe space for my fans. A place for them to excape, to celebrate, to heal, to feel safe and to be themselves. To meet their friends they’ve made online. To express themselves.
This will not change that.
When you look into the audience at my shows, you see a beautiful, diverse, pure, happy crowd. Thousands of people, incredibly different, all there for the same reason, music.
Music is something that everyone on Earth can share.
Music is meant to heal us, to bring us together, to make us happy.
So that is what it will continue to do for us.
We will continue in honor of the ones we lost, their loved ones, my fans and all affected by this tragedy.
They will be on my mind and in my heart everyday and I will think of them with everything I do for the rest of my life.
Ari.
There is nothing I or anyone can do to take away the pain you are feeling or to make this better. However, I extend my hand and heart and everything I possibly can give to you and yours, should you want or need my help in any way.
The only thing we can do now is choose how we let this affect us and how we will live our lives from here on out.
I have been thinking of my fans, and of you all, non stop over the past week. The way you have handled all of this has been more inspiring and made me more proud than you’ll ever know. The compassion, kindness, love, strength, and oneness that you’ve shown one another this past week is the exact opposite of the heinous intentions it must take to pull off something as evil as what happened Monday.
YOU are the opposite.
I am sorry for the pain and fear that you must be feeling and for the trauma that you, too, must be experiencing.
We will never be able to understand why events like this take place because it is not in our nature, which is why we shouldn’t recoil.
We will not quit or operate in fear.
We won’t let this divide us.
We won’t let hate win.
I don’t want to go the rest of the year without being able to hold and uplift my fans, the same way they continue to uplift me.
Our response to this violence must be to come closer together, to help each other, to love more, to sing louder and to live more kindly and generously than we did before.
I’ll be returning to the incredibly brave city of Manchester to spend time with my fans and to have a benefit concert in honor of and to raise money for the victims and their families. I want to thank my fellow musicians and friends for reaching out to be a part of our expression of love for Manchester. I will have details to share with you as soon as everything is confirmed.
From the day we stared putting the Dangerous Woman Tour together, I said that this show, more than anything else, was intended to be asafe space for my fans. A place for them to excape, to celebrate, to heal, to feel safe and to be themselves. To meet their friends they’ve made online. To express themselves.
This will not change that.
When you look into the audience at my shows, you see a beautiful, diverse, pure, happy crowd. Thousands of people, incredibly different, all there for the same reason, music.
Music is something that everyone on Earth can share.
Music is meant to heal us, to bring us together, to make us happy.
So that is what it will continue to do for us.
We will continue in honor of the ones we lost, their loved ones, my fans and all affected by this tragedy.
They will be on my mind and in my heart everyday and I will think of them with everything I do for the rest of my life.
Ari.
Friday, May 19, 2017
*(To new music friday on Spotify from various artists)*
Revenge of Dangerous Africans and other curious tales:
LOS DANGEROSO AFRICANO
I did something I don't do so often anymore
picked up the phone when you called
and you blasted me
blasted me for not calling
anymore
blasted me
accused me of
this american way
of ignoring
and simply throwing away someone
over
nothing
but you hurt me man
and I don't think you will ever understand
completely understand
just where I am coming from.
It is true
no day passes without you passing thru my thought processes
I guess I really did (do?) love you more than I thought.
Can't put my finger on it really
the why.
You are funny
cool and sexy
the sex was always mind blowing
then you made me feel
like the opinions of other people mattered so much more than how I feel
plus you kinda expect me to be cool with sharing you
and I try to come to grips with these things
as none of us are human
and if I can't forgive you for your shortcomings
how can I expect people to pardon mine?
It seems I was so wrong as to think
you'd given up on me.
Its all I can do not to pick up the stupid phone and call you.
And its strange you'd call now out of the blue
just when I made a decision
I was at least gonna try to remain open
to the idea of daring to
give some sort of chance
some sort of hope
to daring to perhaps date
on some level.
Its like you somehow sensed
that I was serious about
moving on.
Moving past the one man who had meant
the world to me.
Held me
pulsated within
deeper than any other
on so many levels
and I'd be lying to say
I don't miss it.
The smile and the laugh man.
Did you know I stopped going out
became a kinda hermit
broken inside
so broken
when
life and the villains of my life strike out against me
it hurts so much more than it should or would before.
I have not been the same Sergio since I cut you off.
(Switched to KRS One "World is mine" on Youtube....)
ADVENTURES OF THE FORGOTTEN MAN IN A DETATCHED WORLD
Punish me
because I care.
Push me away
ignore me
try to make me feel left out and
invisible.
Tell me with your eyes
theres something wrong with me
because a part of me freaks you out.
Maybe something about me intimidates you?
Yes theres an attempt being made here
to understand why
you go out of your way
to set up a barrier
or is it me setting up barriers?
Am I psychically making others feel how I feel
or is it my body language?
Feeling like a lone warrior type
even though on some levels
the lone warrior probably needs
some people in his/her life
at some part of the time.
Say I'm crazy
for thinking these things you think don't matter
but I cannot help but watch you from the corners of yes
because I don't trust you.
What secrets would I see if I could read your mind?
Sometimes I feel like you could be in my head
watching and observing my life
(Is that vain of me?)
Its not always easy
co-existing with you man
wanna be your friend man
but you scare the hell out of me at times
I see theses secrets
things I don't bother to speak on
because I'm worried
things might change
you know?
So I keep you and the rest of them at a distance.
I have been down this road before
you see?
Just gimme a moment to process the information.
Out here chasing the dream
chasing some paper
(gotta pay these bills you know)
hoping its all gonna be alright.
I mean it would be so nice
if i could go a thousand years
without having to read or hear about
somebody dying
another stupid terrorist attack.
Wish so much a superman
(or super woman)
would just fly down from the heavens
and make these fools
play nice with each other
take away their weapons
and nasty energy
teach them to be as beautiful on the inside as they often are on the outside.
Yes Middle Eastern men are usually HOT.
Yes they are.
The terrorist comes with a smile thats golden and sex appeal out the wazzoo
but he wants to blow ALL THAT UP???
Fucked up state this world is in man.
Pains me
my head sometimes
pains me
so much
the aspirin don't work
and my stomach was bothering me so much
I stayed home from work today.
Is this body falling apart?
From what I see
how people treat each other
negative energy
from bad things people say or do
it seems to jump into me
the kind guy
who likes the animals
likes the toys
likes being able to hope
smiles when I can help re-ignite a lost dream in someone else.
All I do is listen to this music
eye opening
spiritually enlightening
social commentary
fueling thoughts of living somewhere
far away from all the crazy.
This struggle its been kept on the low man
a struggle to reclaim self esteem
struggle to maintain with the laughter
because this world is often deadly serious
lets not kid
perhaps none of us gets out of this thing without being half crazy huh?
People running red lights
not stopping at the stop signs
trying to cut you off on the freeway
in a hurry
so much of the time
trying to go
absolutely
NOWHERE.
People setting fires
taking the drugs
running from feelings
or trying to jump start
the ability to feel
ANYTHING
while time speeds us by.
Don't wanna hurt nobody
even when others try so hard
expending energy coming for me
when they should focus on getting their own shit together.
So I struggle to reach for more you know?
struggling to laugh as much as I can
you know
as time flies by
struggling to heal this mind
doing the impossible
living this epically crazy adventure
of a detatched and forgotten man
trying so desperately to remember
the me that was
before.
Its ironic I need the then
to deal with the now.
Revenge of Dangerous Africans and other curious tales:
LOS DANGEROSO AFRICANO
I did something I don't do so often anymore
picked up the phone when you called
and you blasted me
blasted me for not calling
anymore
blasted me
accused me of
this american way
of ignoring
and simply throwing away someone
over
nothing
but you hurt me man
and I don't think you will ever understand
completely understand
just where I am coming from.
It is true
no day passes without you passing thru my thought processes
I guess I really did (do?) love you more than I thought.
Can't put my finger on it really
the why.
You are funny
cool and sexy
the sex was always mind blowing
then you made me feel
like the opinions of other people mattered so much more than how I feel
plus you kinda expect me to be cool with sharing you
and I try to come to grips with these things
as none of us are human
and if I can't forgive you for your shortcomings
how can I expect people to pardon mine?
It seems I was so wrong as to think
you'd given up on me.
Its all I can do not to pick up the stupid phone and call you.
And its strange you'd call now out of the blue
just when I made a decision
I was at least gonna try to remain open
to the idea of daring to
give some sort of chance
some sort of hope
to daring to perhaps date
on some level.
Its like you somehow sensed
that I was serious about
moving on.
Moving past the one man who had meant
the world to me.
Held me
pulsated within
deeper than any other
on so many levels
and I'd be lying to say
I don't miss it.
The smile and the laugh man.
Did you know I stopped going out
became a kinda hermit
broken inside
so broken
when
life and the villains of my life strike out against me
it hurts so much more than it should or would before.
I have not been the same Sergio since I cut you off.
(Switched to KRS One "World is mine" on Youtube....)
ADVENTURES OF THE FORGOTTEN MAN IN A DETATCHED WORLD
Punish me
because I care.
Push me away
ignore me
try to make me feel left out and
invisible.
Tell me with your eyes
theres something wrong with me
because a part of me freaks you out.
Maybe something about me intimidates you?
Yes theres an attempt being made here
to understand why
you go out of your way
to set up a barrier
or is it me setting up barriers?
Am I psychically making others feel how I feel
or is it my body language?
Feeling like a lone warrior type
even though on some levels
the lone warrior probably needs
some people in his/her life
at some part of the time.
Say I'm crazy
for thinking these things you think don't matter
but I cannot help but watch you from the corners of yes
because I don't trust you.
What secrets would I see if I could read your mind?
Sometimes I feel like you could be in my head
watching and observing my life
(Is that vain of me?)
Its not always easy
co-existing with you man
wanna be your friend man
but you scare the hell out of me at times
I see theses secrets
things I don't bother to speak on
because I'm worried
things might change
you know?
So I keep you and the rest of them at a distance.
I have been down this road before
you see?
Just gimme a moment to process the information.
Out here chasing the dream
chasing some paper
(gotta pay these bills you know)
hoping its all gonna be alright.
I mean it would be so nice
if i could go a thousand years
without having to read or hear about
somebody dying
another stupid terrorist attack.
Wish so much a superman
(or super woman)
would just fly down from the heavens
and make these fools
play nice with each other
take away their weapons
and nasty energy
teach them to be as beautiful on the inside as they often are on the outside.
Yes Middle Eastern men are usually HOT.
Yes they are.
The terrorist comes with a smile thats golden and sex appeal out the wazzoo
but he wants to blow ALL THAT UP???
Fucked up state this world is in man.
Pains me
my head sometimes
pains me
so much
the aspirin don't work
and my stomach was bothering me so much
I stayed home from work today.
Is this body falling apart?
From what I see
how people treat each other
negative energy
from bad things people say or do
it seems to jump into me
the kind guy
who likes the animals
likes the toys
likes being able to hope
smiles when I can help re-ignite a lost dream in someone else.
All I do is listen to this music
eye opening
spiritually enlightening
social commentary
fueling thoughts of living somewhere
far away from all the crazy.
This struggle its been kept on the low man
a struggle to reclaim self esteem
struggle to maintain with the laughter
because this world is often deadly serious
lets not kid
perhaps none of us gets out of this thing without being half crazy huh?
People running red lights
not stopping at the stop signs
trying to cut you off on the freeway
in a hurry
so much of the time
trying to go
absolutely
NOWHERE.
People setting fires
taking the drugs
running from feelings
or trying to jump start
the ability to feel
ANYTHING
while time speeds us by.
Don't wanna hurt nobody
even when others try so hard
expending energy coming for me
when they should focus on getting their own shit together.
So I struggle to reach for more you know?
struggling to laugh as much as I can
you know
as time flies by
struggling to heal this mind
doing the impossible
living this epically crazy adventure
of a detatched and forgotten man
trying so desperately to remember
the me that was
before.
Its ironic I need the then
to deal with the now.
A MAN NAMED PAT
Well you came into my life
even though you didn't stay
longer than five minutes
you certainly left quite the impression.
Don't know if
I scared you away
being all eager and shit.
Yeah I was excited
wanted to make YOU the leading man
but never should have told you
about my attraction
fool that I was.
What was it about you
that made you so
attractive anyway?
Yeah you are cute
had a decent body
and I felt really cozy around you man
so perhaps that just threw a brotha for a loop.
You think
just because you find someone you have alot in common with who is sexy
it would be just like
add water and mix.
My truth has been
most of the black nerds don't really like
other black nerds
or black guys period.
I keep feeling like
you had some secret
and thats why you ran off
stood me up
avoided my phone calls.
I'm an idiot for being attracted to idiots.
Maybe you were protecting me from something?
Maybe you have someone at home
or you're positive and afraid I'll reject you
or perhaps you were born a woman.
All I can do is speculate
why the last man I wanted to be with
could clearly see
my flaws
my closed heart
yet he couldn't see anything in me worth being friends with.
Because after meeting you
I think something in me might have died.
Something switched off
and I
I am having a hard time not believing
my time for love and relationships has ended
in this life.
It bothers me alittle
that a part of me
a big part of me
just doesn't care anymore.
I feel like I am becoming
someone else
losing a part of me
in order to survive in this world.
You reminded me
I guess
that it is all a tradeoff.
Some of us with power
born to achieve greatness
can never know this kind of love
we see in the movies and read about.
Its a sobering reality for some.
My movie has no love interest then.
A man named Pat
came along
and he was a catalyst of a sort.
Had to come out of this fairy tale image
of life.
Like Prince said
"The Beautiful Ones always smash the picture. Always every time"
Irony is
they usually don't even remember us
have no idea the impression they left
shows how of little importance we are to them.
I'm running from the memory of this man until the day it fades completely.
Well you came into my life
even though you didn't stay
longer than five minutes
you certainly left quite the impression.
Don't know if
I scared you away
being all eager and shit.
Yeah I was excited
wanted to make YOU the leading man
but never should have told you
about my attraction
fool that I was.
What was it about you
that made you so
attractive anyway?
Yeah you are cute
had a decent body
and I felt really cozy around you man
so perhaps that just threw a brotha for a loop.
You think
just because you find someone you have alot in common with who is sexy
it would be just like
add water and mix.
My truth has been
most of the black nerds don't really like
other black nerds
or black guys period.
I keep feeling like
you had some secret
and thats why you ran off
stood me up
avoided my phone calls.
I'm an idiot for being attracted to idiots.
Maybe you were protecting me from something?
Maybe you have someone at home
or you're positive and afraid I'll reject you
or perhaps you were born a woman.
All I can do is speculate
why the last man I wanted to be with
could clearly see
my flaws
my closed heart
yet he couldn't see anything in me worth being friends with.
Because after meeting you
I think something in me might have died.
Something switched off
and I
I am having a hard time not believing
my time for love and relationships has ended
in this life.
It bothers me alittle
that a part of me
a big part of me
just doesn't care anymore.
I feel like I am becoming
someone else
losing a part of me
in order to survive in this world.
You reminded me
I guess
that it is all a tradeoff.
Some of us with power
born to achieve greatness
can never know this kind of love
we see in the movies and read about.
Its a sobering reality for some.
My movie has no love interest then.
A man named Pat
came along
and he was a catalyst of a sort.
Had to come out of this fairy tale image
of life.
Like Prince said
"The Beautiful Ones always smash the picture. Always every time"
Irony is
they usually don't even remember us
have no idea the impression they left
shows how of little importance we are to them.
I'm running from the memory of this man until the day it fades completely.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
(Listening to Jazz on Pandora from the Xbox 1)
I finally got around to eating that pie Alanda gave me. It was one of those sweet potato pies Patti Labelle has been in the news for recently. I gotta say the pie was delicious and I am gonna savor that last piece thats left in the fridge now. I was initially concerned about eating the pie because although it had been frozen the expiration date was Dec of last year. But luckily I have a cast iron stomach. It did sorta give me the poots but otherwise no harm was done.
Last night I spoke with someone who is gonna come on board to help me with production on Daughters of legend. Because GOD knows I have been feeling overwhelmed lately. Had to kinda take a step back to collect myself. Already been stressed out over other things. Paying bills. On the job stuff. Then theres the back and forth of am I really happy being single and is this REALLY the end of the line for me as a gay man and maybe just maybe I really should consider dating women since I seem to be invisible to other gay men. I mostly made the choice not to date anyone until I have gotten my film career off the ground and achieved financial independence. I'd also like to get in better shape too. Some people tell me when I start to gain popularity folks will actually start to approach me for dates and whatnot. But I'm not sure I believe it. It really feels as if I am getting used to being just with me. Feels like the door is closed and one day I'll get me a dog or a cat. Perhaps I will adopt some kids or something when I'm able. I have little faith in finding a man who will fill the void. Is there a void or is it all in my mind? What if I have too much crap going on and its really not a good time to even be thinking about dating or relationships. Shit I haven't been with anyone since like last year with "The Dangerous African". Single life isn't all bad all the time. At age 47 you have to look at the writing on the wall. Gotta learn to enjoy your own company. Try not to obsess over the havenots and realize theres more to life. More things to enjoy. Rediscover the joy and wonders of life. Travel. Get a new hobby maybe? Take up an old hobby. Start making peace with the fact that even though some days it might hurt its certainly not the end of the world because you are out here in the world on your own. Have to remember there was a time I wasn't dating or having sex and it wasn't all bad. My life was alot less complicated too because I didn't have to deal with anyone elses shit....
(Watching Captain America:Civil War)
My editor Luzilla just left. He stopped thru to drop off a completed cut of the new DragonManx episode. Thing is its still kinda rough. Some of the special effects were not up to quality so unfortunately no one will get to see me fly....yet. Yeah it was that bad. Me and Luzilla laughed alittle when we watched the episode but I gotta say I can finally see the progression in quality of the cinematography. Also Luzilla has really become some sort of a special effects guru. I have an investor now so I can afford to go bigger in regards to these projects. More moolah=better cameras,better sound equipment plus I can afford to pay the actors more. The investor for the moment is only interested in helping guide the Daughters of Legend film project along. He does seem a bit fascinated by some elements of the SonsofLegend universe. He and Luzilla are trying hard to steer me away from doing anymore Youtube videos. Thing is I am not really doing the Youtube stuff for money. I never really was and thats good I guess. Sometimes you have to do things because they are fun you know? Its not always about the money. Speaking of money....recently I hired a writer to help me out on a secret SonsofLegend spin off project. The pilot is nearly done. Meanwhile I am working with a lady writer on the full length SonsofLegend project. Theres some footage already done for this project but much of it may need to get reshot due to quality issues. Hopefully I can have a trailer done before the year is out. In some regard to this film I'd like to partner with a couple of guys who worked with Disney but they are probably out of my price range unless the Kickstarter campaigns are a success. Having big names attached to a project can only be a good thing. Could pull in some investor interest as well. Its been hard to do fundraising yet I've not given up on it as realistically speaking....well its just gonna be hard to shoot these bigger budget projects if I am the only one paying. My investor has limitations too. He's not made out of moolah.
We were supposed to have a meeting earlier with the director and some other crew members. Luzilla had a death in the family plus my investor couldn't make it. I was also hoping that the new person I am bringing in to help us out with production would be able to make an appearance. Looks like the meeting will need to be rescheduled for sometime next week, We probably won't really move forward until everyone is able to sit down in a room face to face just to make sure we are all on the same page and this Daughters of Legend project won't seem so chaotic. As it stands we won't go back in front of the camera for Daughters of legend till July. Gotta plan and make sure the money is right you know? Originally I thought this project would be 10 grand but now its looking more like 20 grand hence the fundraising efforts. I'm gonna have to hustle like crazy to raise the moolah I need but a good trailer could make all the difference. We might actually have enough Daughters of Legend footage to put together a decent trailer. Need to work with the music guy though to get the score together. March 2018 will be here before we know it and we have to have the DOL film completed by then.
I finally got around to eating that pie Alanda gave me. It was one of those sweet potato pies Patti Labelle has been in the news for recently. I gotta say the pie was delicious and I am gonna savor that last piece thats left in the fridge now. I was initially concerned about eating the pie because although it had been frozen the expiration date was Dec of last year. But luckily I have a cast iron stomach. It did sorta give me the poots but otherwise no harm was done.
Last night I spoke with someone who is gonna come on board to help me with production on Daughters of legend. Because GOD knows I have been feeling overwhelmed lately. Had to kinda take a step back to collect myself. Already been stressed out over other things. Paying bills. On the job stuff. Then theres the back and forth of am I really happy being single and is this REALLY the end of the line for me as a gay man and maybe just maybe I really should consider dating women since I seem to be invisible to other gay men. I mostly made the choice not to date anyone until I have gotten my film career off the ground and achieved financial independence. I'd also like to get in better shape too. Some people tell me when I start to gain popularity folks will actually start to approach me for dates and whatnot. But I'm not sure I believe it. It really feels as if I am getting used to being just with me. Feels like the door is closed and one day I'll get me a dog or a cat. Perhaps I will adopt some kids or something when I'm able. I have little faith in finding a man who will fill the void. Is there a void or is it all in my mind? What if I have too much crap going on and its really not a good time to even be thinking about dating or relationships. Shit I haven't been with anyone since like last year with "The Dangerous African". Single life isn't all bad all the time. At age 47 you have to look at the writing on the wall. Gotta learn to enjoy your own company. Try not to obsess over the havenots and realize theres more to life. More things to enjoy. Rediscover the joy and wonders of life. Travel. Get a new hobby maybe? Take up an old hobby. Start making peace with the fact that even though some days it might hurt its certainly not the end of the world because you are out here in the world on your own. Have to remember there was a time I wasn't dating or having sex and it wasn't all bad. My life was alot less complicated too because I didn't have to deal with anyone elses shit....
(Watching Captain America:Civil War)
My editor Luzilla just left. He stopped thru to drop off a completed cut of the new DragonManx episode. Thing is its still kinda rough. Some of the special effects were not up to quality so unfortunately no one will get to see me fly....yet. Yeah it was that bad. Me and Luzilla laughed alittle when we watched the episode but I gotta say I can finally see the progression in quality of the cinematography. Also Luzilla has really become some sort of a special effects guru. I have an investor now so I can afford to go bigger in regards to these projects. More moolah=better cameras,better sound equipment plus I can afford to pay the actors more. The investor for the moment is only interested in helping guide the Daughters of Legend film project along. He does seem a bit fascinated by some elements of the SonsofLegend universe. He and Luzilla are trying hard to steer me away from doing anymore Youtube videos. Thing is I am not really doing the Youtube stuff for money. I never really was and thats good I guess. Sometimes you have to do things because they are fun you know? Its not always about the money. Speaking of money....recently I hired a writer to help me out on a secret SonsofLegend spin off project. The pilot is nearly done. Meanwhile I am working with a lady writer on the full length SonsofLegend project. Theres some footage already done for this project but much of it may need to get reshot due to quality issues. Hopefully I can have a trailer done before the year is out. In some regard to this film I'd like to partner with a couple of guys who worked with Disney but they are probably out of my price range unless the Kickstarter campaigns are a success. Having big names attached to a project can only be a good thing. Could pull in some investor interest as well. Its been hard to do fundraising yet I've not given up on it as realistically speaking....well its just gonna be hard to shoot these bigger budget projects if I am the only one paying. My investor has limitations too. He's not made out of moolah.
We were supposed to have a meeting earlier with the director and some other crew members. Luzilla had a death in the family plus my investor couldn't make it. I was also hoping that the new person I am bringing in to help us out with production would be able to make an appearance. Looks like the meeting will need to be rescheduled for sometime next week, We probably won't really move forward until everyone is able to sit down in a room face to face just to make sure we are all on the same page and this Daughters of Legend project won't seem so chaotic. As it stands we won't go back in front of the camera for Daughters of legend till July. Gotta plan and make sure the money is right you know? Originally I thought this project would be 10 grand but now its looking more like 20 grand hence the fundraising efforts. I'm gonna have to hustle like crazy to raise the moolah I need but a good trailer could make all the difference. We might actually have enough Daughters of Legend footage to put together a decent trailer. Need to work with the music guy though to get the score together. March 2018 will be here before we know it and we have to have the DOL film completed by then.
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