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 Its hard to believe 2023 is almost done. I'm sitting here at work with alot on my mind and there are alot of things I've planned for 2024. This is the year Sergio really gets his shit together. In more ways than one. SonsofLegend will be getting its soft reboot as a film. My DragonManx comic will be coming out and meanwhile my Sasquatch cartoon will be getting released. Honestly I've so much onb my mind these days I've been doing peculiar stuff like forgetting things and just feeling out of sorts. I suppose thats a good thing because I'm not wasting my time worrying about BS. Yesterday I actually left some new shoes in my Uber and thats really not me. By the way the driver never responded to my calls or even when customer service paged him. So I'm pretty sure (and others I've spoken to agree) he just decided to keep the shoes. So that happened. Anyway it all worked out because I was able to get replacement shoes but it still blows my mind how trifling people can be. Yes even after all this time.

-To be continued-

Speaking of Uber divers I have been using Uber alot, especially for going home and coming to work as its usually much cheaper than Lyft for some reason and I've had the honor of meeting some cool drivers. The other night I had a cool trans woman as a driver and we had some interesting conversations about life in the lgbt community as well as "The Artist Formerly Known As Bruce Jenner" who was once called "He Of The Dramatic Collapse" because that's how he finished many races when he was a world-famous athlete. Early on in the conversation the driver goes..."oh and by the way" as if to surprise me by revealing she was trans and my reaction was almost no reaction. I told her about how working at the center all the years has pretty much made me "surprise proof" when it comes to stuff like that. Truthfully its gotten to the point I suspect over half the people I come into contact with to be trans. Even in hindsight some I may have gone out with in the past. We were talking about how some trans folk regret transitioning and also about youngsters going under the knife. She feels its easier to go thru it younger because your hormonal development hasn't quite kicked in yet so later in life you won't look as masculine or fem. I also told her that if there was a way I could magically transform into a woman I'd do it as long as I could change back. Of course, this isn't something I tell everybody. I like being a guy too much to wanna be stuck as a woman. Much respect to women needless to say.

Well, I feel there's more to write but it's time for me to go home so maybe I'll be back later or sometime before the first of Jan 2024. If later than that Happy New Year. 

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 Its Christmas Eve and I had a breakthrough just now while laying in bed really wishing I had some sort of sleep aid to help me sleep. What happened was as I lay there feeling kinda down and with a weird sort of irritation in my stomach my mind started flashing back in time and I was remembering or thinking of stuff I hadn't in years or just things I pretty much forgot. It was uncanny reliving these memories...Grandma Mary's house. Picking blueberries and boiling them and making sandwiches. Making banana sandwiches with a bit of milk,water and a bit of vanilla extract. Watching old cartoons. Watching Soul Train with Grandma Cora and my sisters in New York back when she was still alive. My first video game system (Coleco Vision) that we pretended to be surprised on Christmas morning when we unwrapped it! Playing with my little sister Fatisha when we were first introduced. Crawling around with her and some fuzzy memories of pumping water outside or using the outhouse and getting eaten alive by mosquitos. I thought back to spending time with friends and family...cutting school and reading comic books like Richie Rich or Archie digests. X-Men and even how sometimes I stole comics and videogames. Yeah some of the memories were unpleasant. I thought of Jeffery my first boyfriend and how much fun I had in my 20's going to clubs and hanging out at my Grandma Mary's house or even with some of my cousins who I have drifted apart with over the years. Being a kid and riding with my Grandma Cora when she went to pick tobacco then afterwards we all rode back home but not before stopping to get Mountain Dew sodas and chocolate moon pies from a local store. God I used to love those things. Marshmallow goodness sandwiched between two chocolate-covered cookies. I also love the banana ones and sometimes if I find them in the market I'll pick up a box. It was as if a light shined on my to burn away the dark cloud that has been hanging over me for awhile now as memories of my past helped me to remember who I really am as a person as opposed to the shadow of me I was becoming. If that makes any sense. If you are not careful the world and cruel people can turn you into a mockery of the person you're supposed to be. You have to remember the good in your life if you want to hold on to it. So it is true you are who you were. (Before the world got a hold of you and poisoned you)

Yesterday I got up and went out to catch the bus to go see Aquaman 2. After waiting over half and hour for the bus I realized I was gonna miss the 8pm show so I had to abort as I didn't want to catch a later show and risk being stranded waiting for a bus home. Honestly its a bit embarrassing to admit since I never use the data on my phone I have yet to figure out how to activate the service. (I only use the Wi-Fi functions if I am not using texts or phone call service!) Its these times really one starts to remember the convenience of having friends with cars. Especially here in LA where like 85% of the population seems to drive. At times I miss having a social life but mostly I've accepted on some level this probably won't change until I move up in life career wise. I think when you don't have a car to some its the equivalent of being a bum and it feel silly to say this but thats the way it is. This is why I sometimes consider moving back to New York (or to another big city) because not having a car there doesn't make you a social outcast. Before I decide to move Ima need to start putting some of my things in storage so I can have less clutter in my life. Putting my stuff in storage is gonna be an epic event which will involve moving in/out some furniture so I will likely have to call in some favors. Anyway since i didn't see Aquaman I just went to McDonalds and grabbed a 10 piece chicken Mcnugget meal with a sprite. Got back here where I played some Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodhunt on PS5 and watched some stuff on tv. The new Exorcist movie. Zach Snyders new Netflix sci-fi epic. Continental on Peacock and David Oyelowos western on Paramount. Still not really sleepy but I'll probably go back to bed after awhile. Really did want to fly somewhere for this holiday but my money wasn't quite right but I need to plan a trip to see my father really soon. Probably Easter because I'll have accrued adequate vacation time to visit long enough to really visit but not long enough that we get tired of each other. Over the next couple of months much of my focus and money will be towards getting SonsofLegend filmed. After New Years Day I'm gonna hit the ground running because I've been lagging behind on some of my goals. Yeah I have a list and I do take it out and look at it sometimes but I need to do it more often.

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 Today was somewhat eventful. I ended up spending over an hour on the phone with PayPal customer service and Bank Of America customer service due to a company I paid $225.00 up front as one half of a fee to do storyboards for the Sasquatch cartoon kinda ghosting me for a week. No response to emails, phone calls and texts is all just a big giant red flag as far as I'm concerned. Also this Sasquatch project has been stalled for months now since we've had so much trouble finding a storyboard arist up to the animator's standards. This has really frustrated me greatly to the point I have honestly wondered if we'll complete the project. So as it stands I'm once again looking for someone to do storyboards as I'm done working with the person I tried to hire. 

The DragonManx comic Kickstarter was a success and comics will be getting sent out to folks early 2024. Meanwhile I have a couple of directors interested in the SonsOfLegend soft reboot but I've yet to really decide who I'm gonna use. But one person has been difficult to reach by phone and text which is a problem for me so... In other news the Sasquatch comic is coming along and that will be done pretty soon. No lettering has been done yet though. 

-To Be Continued-

The Orange Hat.

Last Saturday as I was about to leave work I asked a co-worker which hat I should wear...a cool orange one I really like that says "Art is for everyone" with two earring-type loops in two holes on its rim or a cool black cap that says "Sasquatch believes in you" She said the black one because she doesn't like bright colors. I have noticed that when I wear bright colorful things people just seem to stare or be fixated on the object and I know for a fact some folks don't dress in bright primary colors because sometimes it just seems to draw attention. Makes one stick out and theres that saying you know that the nail that stands out the most is the one that gets pounded the most. What is it about bright colors that make people want to punish each other? Gangs do it. I'm not sure animals react in this fashion but yesterday as I stood waiting for a light to change on my way to pick up a pizza a truck went by me with an older Mexican guy and he laughed really loudly as if to ridicule me. I guess I'm wondering if I hadn't stuck out with my orange hat would he have done that? During my first year in LA a brother yelled at me "What you doing wearing that red shirt?!?" and this was near Sunset and Vine nowhere near any gang-affiliated area. How crazy the world has become where other people want to attack you for wearing colors. Then again many just attack for any little reason. Being bald and youthful I have been approached in a threatening manner by other guys asking me where I'm from. They think I'm in a gang. Some folks have been mistaken for gang people and even gotten shot at. People just keep coming up with reasons to try and kill each other, don't they? Anyway I think this color subject could make for an interesting short film. After all, it has been proven colors can affect your moods or even how others react to you. This is sometimes called "Color Magic" 

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 Listening to Iheart Radio 60's station.

October came and went. But at least I was able to get out of town and visit my family in Orlando. It was cool seeing everyone and hanging out with my nephew Curt who is as big a nerd as I am. We went to Universal Horror nights where I ended up getting hoarse and destroying my cellphone which got replaced when I got back to LA! Its my tradition to go home for Halloween. My mother told me that I am always welcome there and some folks got on me about not visiting more often (and staying longer!) I just think its better to be missed than to wear out your welcome you know? I did get to see my brother Joshua. Its pretty obvious I'll never have that ideal relationship with my brother I always wanted. I do blame myself for being so distant in his life as he came of age. God knows I have tried to have some sort of relationship with him and we can get into some incredibly deep conversations about life and metaphysical stuff yet theres a weird wall between us. Just feels as if he were somehow compromised. Like someone may have affected his outlook on me. Maybe its all in my mind but whatever the case it is what it is. Theres really nothing I can do to make someone want to be a part of my life. This is something I have had to make peace with over the years in regard to other folks as well. Mr. Ninja for example. We saw each other yesterday briefly and it was as weird can be expected. A slight nod of acknowledgment then we proceeded to go about acting as if we never knew each other. I guess we didn't actually. (I was stuck at work much later than usual for accidentally locking a door staff was unable to open until around 9am. some folks were pissed at me as their belongings were locked inside. Purses. CAR KEYS😞 And yes I got in trouble) So life goes on and we simply throw away something that coulda been cool. A friendship at least? Its funny how people can be this way. Someone cool comes into your life and then you just move on and act like you completely forgot about them. Seems to be the new normal with these gay men now treating each other in these strange manners because of unresolved issues within probably. Thing is he kinda looked...well not as if he was really keeping himself up. I mean to say usually I'd like to believe when someone is with someone they are likely more concerned with how they look. Could be wrong and its not my business. Part of me hoped maybe he'd call since we hadn't spoken in so long. Its been months yet its another slap from reality that these fellas out here are just on some whole other trip and I gotta focus on me or become as nuts and emotionally distant as they are. Right now my focus has been on my artistic endeavors. Theres a kickstarter campaign going on via the company publishing my comic "DragonManx" We have raised $1800 of our $2000 goal. Theres still like 5 days left and we might not make that unless we put in some money ourselves. As for my Sasquatch cartoon...the person I'd wanted to do the storyboards has dropped me like a bad habit because we'd been playing phone tag and much of that is due to my schedule and bouts with anxiety/stress. However, I got some cool comic book art for the Sasquatch comic adaptation of the cartoon. Getting back to the Kickstarter campaign...I have been doing these little videos everyday to promote and ask for funding. Trying to be direct without begging you know. Now I know how those radio station deejays I used to clown about fundraisers feel. It is hard trying to get folks to give you money. Fundraising aint no joke. Was even able to get my mother involved in one of my videos. We did this cool question and answer session at her house. Was real nice scenery too as they have fixed up a nice little den area. They actually built it since the last time I was there. Only thing missing is a BIG tv which they'll likely mount on a wall. Was planning to go visit my father before the year is out but that might not happen until the new year because I need to save up money for projects and you know...surviving. Also Comic Con LA is coming up in a week so gotta decide what I'm doing for that. A co-worker is bugging me to go and it would certainly be a great opp to promote things but this is something I need to decide on. Should go ahead and get my tickets in case the event sells out. All the "normies" are invested in comic conventions these days so this makes getting tix challenging more often than not. 

The world is going through some shit right now but every now and then something will happen to help restore my faith in humanity. Now it has not escaped me that other folks have helped me throughout the years but it was an awesome surprise the other day when I was doing my laundry and my landlady put my clothes in the dryer for me and started the cycle. This is what one would call a random act of kindness. When was the last time you did a random act of kindness for anyone? So I am grateful she did that and it makes me want to as they say pay it forward by helping out someone else. Maybe I'll even do it anonymously. Its not hard for me to do things for other people without expecting something else in return. How great this world would be if everyone thought like this? One can but wonder...

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Two guards were let go last week. Apparently, they let in someone who was not supposed to have access. I was surprised because usually people are given some sort of warning (as far as I know) before they are just let go. These were two VERY good guards and its not gonna be easy to replace them. Yes I do miss them. One gave me Sega Dreamcast and an OG PS3 like a month ago. I dropped the Dreamcast so I am sure its gonna require some repair. Ugh. My PS4 and ipod still require repair too. Wish I had extra money man because these things would have been fixed but my comics are still in production then theres the cartoon and the relaunch of SOL. If it wasn't for money I have in my Stash investments would be completely broke. Definitely need to improve my finances going into 2024. Gonna be doing some heavy-handed cutbacks soon...

Planning to go to Florida as usual for the Halloween holiday. I'd like to go to Universal while I am there because I haven't checked out Florida's Universal Studios yet. Seems bigger than the Universal here. I already told my nephew to make plans although he says its gonna be hella crowded with looooong lines on that day. It would be nice to spend some time with my brother but I'm having to make peace with the fact he and I are never gonna have that cool relationship some brothers have with each other. Its weird because I heard some pretty crazy things about his behavior over the years and he's been basically banned from my moms house except to drop off or pick up his daughter. Sometimes I feel really guilty and I get angry at myself for not spending time with dude when he was coming up. I think I could have been a positive influence in his life and maybe saved him from some of his butthead decisions. Maybe. Was too busy living my life and trying to figure out who I am. In some ways perhaps I still am.

Oh yeah the ambulance came here to assist with a baby who was having trouble breathing (I heard) 

Its all over the news now. Whats going on with Israel and Gaza (Hammas). Whats going on? Well on Oct 7th Gaza fired a bunch of rockets at Israel towns and broke through the border where they killed 1400 people and took hostages including elderly and children. Israel responded by bombing Gaza. (Hammas is an Islamist org which rules Gaza) On Tuesday a Gaza hospital was hit with an explosion and hundreds were killed. Its an insane situation and it just blows my mind how many people murder each other every single day over some BS. Its like we just need to be fighting each other or something. I think some folks can't stand the idea of peace. This conflict has been going on for awhile now and it looks like the US will get caught up in this mess which means its gonna become everyones mess because it'll likely lead to terrorist attacks...something we've not had to really deal with for a few years now. 

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So they shut down the 7/11 down the street from my job now at 11:30pm every night now. I have worked in the center for almost 17 years and this is the first time this has happened. 7/11 is usually open all night so now we have to go somewhere else for late night snacks or coffee. Supposedly this happened because of all the craziness that tends to occur in this area. Prostitutes and drug dealers hanging around. People fights. People stealing from the store. I myself witnessed a man chasing another man around in the store stabbing him with a screwdriver. A clerk was recently jumped and beat up by a bunch of folks. Staff have been assaulted. The straw that broke the proverbial camels back (allegedly) was the glass to the store being broken due to an attempt to snatch the ATM from inside. All this is to me is more freedoms we are losing or things being taken away because of the actions of nutcases. On the way in to work I had an interesting conversation with my LYFT driver who is from Japan and he was telling me about how in Japan mentally ill people are just taken off the street and placed in mental facilities. Also homeless are placed in programs to give them jobs or training. Crime happens but it is not like here and the law enforcement over there do not play. But then again folks are more civil over there and as one of my supervisors put it people are taught from an early age to actually give a shit about each other. Guns are not allowed either. Not saying Japan is perfect but man I am so envious of folks who live there away from the madness that happens here. Honestly I really have been thinking alot about moving out of the states. Just don't know when but I need a change so I'm not walking around in fight or flight mode literally ALL the time. They say stress releases some crazy chemicals in  your body and over time its a silent killer. That build up. I've lost weight. I feel tired so much of the time and there's this feeling of oppression that often affects my ability to focus or be creative. I think the rejection of a certain co-worker did some major damage that affected me on such a deep spiritual level it spilled out into the real world because I never just straight up said I was done with love and relationships and REALLY meant it. Really mean it. That shit put me in such a deep space I don't ever wanna go back to that again. Ladies and gentlemen we have found Sergio's "kryptonite". Yet what good is one who knows how to love in a world where everyone has forgotten how to love? I dunno...is everyone else just as scared to love as I am or did Thanos cast a spell to keep us from reproducing? This shit is real. People will walk away from a relationship-oriented truly good person who they can build something with and run to straight up garbage or unattainable folks or people they have no business messing around with because the very idea or concept of something pure scares them shitless or I think its just easier to have disposable rendevous as opposed to letting someone in enough so you and team up to overcome your issues. So sometimes it really is THEM and not YOU my friend. I am a dinosaur. I am like Captain America now...a man trapped in a time that is both equally unfamiliar and unsettling. Maybe its been this way since the moment I was birthed. 

Microsoft finally acquired Activision/Blizzard/King and I am soooo happy. I mean its gonna be cool having all those cool games available on GamePass and even better having access to them via the cloud on ANY device that exists. Can't really take advantage of GamePass here at work though since they block cloud access unless one has their own personal hotspot. Something I have considered investing in. Speaking of games this is a big week for gaming. A new Mario. A new Spiderman game. A new Sonic game. Even a new King Kong game. Its not very good though. Definitely needed some more time in the over to bake. I tried to record some of my gameplay footage for King Kong but the stupid recorder didn't record so we'll try again later. Hopefully, I'll be able to get some Sonic gameplay later as well because it has been taking forever to download and update for some reason. Sometimes I wonder if its because I want to play it so bad. Spiderman 2 is like 100 gigs on Playstation 5 so I gotta pre-install it starting today if theres any chance at all to play it this coming weekend. I hate that you have to open the PS5 to add more storage. At least Xbox lets you add external storage even though its expensive as hell. Might do a Nerds With Badges episode to discuss the new games coming out. Did actually film an episode like a week ago to talk about my new Chromebook Plus and it did feel good to be back doing something cool and creative like that. Really I wanted to test out that 1080 video camera the CB+ has! 

Had an interesting dream yesterday involving me taking a bus then falling asleep and ending up somewhere unfamiliar and taking a photo on my phone of an unusual looking building. Seems I may have been on my way to school which there was some dread about. Over the last few years I have been dreaming about school. These don't feel like good dreams at all because I was feeling apprehension of being there or some worries about school work or tests. School was particularly tough for me. Never fit in really and there were some bad people who went out of their way to thoroughly traumatize me for their own personal gain I guess. So yeah I don't want to have any dreams about being anywhere near a shool. Ugh. Well, an ambulance is outside now so I gotta cut this entry short and see what the hell is going on...

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The world really is changing. The 7/11 down the street from here (at work now) is closing at 11pm now due to the number of incidents that keep happening at the store. Incidents with people of questionable character. Sometimes homeless. Sometimes mentally ill. Sometimes troublesome prostitutes. Sometimes folks looking to rob the place. This is pretty sad to me because I have been working at this company for almost 17 years and I've witnessed how crazy things have gotten in or around the center. Downright dangerous at times even. Prostitutes, pimps and druggies or drug dealers hanging around with the kids that live here. Yeah it does bother me that the center has to be associated with this element of society. Don't even get me started on all the fights that happen here with the youth and staff who have been assaulted. Folks already have a negative view of the lgbt community. These things don't help and having this place here in this area makes it a hotspot for craziness. In my honest opinion there should be a fence around the building and in a perfect world we'd have several police officers working HERE in the building with us 24/7 along with a crisis counselor individual. Probably a nurse on staff as well. Is it a money thing that we don't have these things? When I look around me and I see all the rich and powerful lgbt people with their expensive clothes, nice cars and big houses none of that makes any sense. Make it make sense. 

I've been thinking hard about quitting here. Really hard. The pay is good and the benefits are off the chain but the level of stress associated with some of the things I  deal with are working my nerves to the point where...well I can feel its taking a toll on me. Its time to go. Been working on my projects so thats a good thing. Been playing the lotto and trying to save money while trying to think where can I go to get away from the madness. When I first came to LA I didn't really understand why people walk away from good paying jobs and move out into the country to live in a little cabin but now I totally get it. In all honesty I don't know that I will ever feel "alright" but it is not good running around all the time in fight or flight mode because your environment won't allow you a moment to relax. Even at home sometimes I come under attack by neighbors. Its not as intense as it used to be but its still there. Almost as if to remind me they are still here and because they are unhappy or unable to move on so be damned if they let me properly heal. (Why not simply focus on living the best life they can with the time they have instead of focusing on me?) People are something else. Everytime I think about my stuff getting stolen here or the asshole who stole my shit in Detroit back in 2018 and all the things I have endured these last three years it is a bit much to take in. It does not escape me that there are people out here dealing with things that would probably keep me awake at night yet these scars on my brain might never completely heal. My nerves are shot to the point it may have given me conditions that prevent me from ever having emotionally satisfying relationships with anyone. Am I really not relationship material or did I just "become" from messing with fucked up individuals until the camels back broke? Its a question I'm asking a lot these days. 

Been doing some research and it seems I have a rare(?) condition. Luckily after poking around I found others online in forums talking about this shit. The condition is where you unconsciously or uncontrollably watch others with peripheral vision. I honestly don't know what the hell this shit is or why it happens but its something I've struggled with since I was a youngin. Sometimes I wish I could wear those blinders like horses or funky glasses like Spiderman because it feels like I am processing information around me too much and too fast to properly focus and that is why I struggle to relax around others. I mean folks can feel it and it makes them uncomfortable. I've noticed some things though like if I am playing a really intense game and someone is near it gets harder for me to focus on what I'm doing because maybe I am hyper focused on EVERYTHING. Years ago when I went to apply for a job I remember a question on the application asked me to describe everthing happening in the room around me and I did describe EVERYTHING down to a tee. I did. No exaggeration here and I never heard back from the company because I figured I scared them? In hindsight now I realize this "superpower" like any other can be problematic without control. So how then do I control it? Funky Spiderman glasses? Sometimes the easiest way to solve a problem is to do nothing because its something you've had to deal with for so long it is "the new normal" or a readily available or practical solution isn't forthcoming. 

Sony got hacked the other day. Ransomware they call it I guess. Not sure if they paid but its not in the news anymore and the CEO for PlayStation announced his retirement after 30 years. Coincidence? Was there something damning in those 6000 files? Also, some former Ubisoft execs got arrested for sexual harassment allegations. A few years ago someone at Activision got in trouble for that. Its so crazy when I think about that. People working for a videogame company getting in trouble for sexual shit. Then again there's an unhealthy amount of toxic behavior in this community. Has been for years. Thats why Microsoft, Sony, Nintendo and other companies have had to invest so much in programs to protect online gamers from harassment or cheaters. What a mess we've made of things eh?

The Sasquatch animated short is moving along as well as my comic book projects and the soft reboot of my SonsofLegend webseries. There was an actor I really wanted to work with but he ghosted me and stopped returning my phone calls so I had to replace him. There was a cool actor who had responded to an earlier ad I'd placed on Craigslist for a voice actor. I liked how he looked and presented himself. A humble, educated and accomplished actor with plenty of talent can bring alot to a project. He'd be playing the role of Karter who is the son of Devin (The nephillim main character of SOL) Damon who plays "Devin" has been with me since my very first SOL project which was a teaser! He was more than happy to come back to reprise his role. The script for SonofLegend is done but it dawned on me I need to go back to make some key changes to make the story center more on Devin as he struggles to launch his unique reality tv show that trains wannabe superheroes. In the past for some reason this aspect of the concept was glossed over. Also, I don't wanna have so many characters running around because it bogs the story down. Sasquatch And The Mythology Sisterhood (my replacement for the property I lost ownership of Daughters Of Legend) was to be the relaunch of my SonsOfLegend universe yet I decided I'll go the route of relaunching SOL first and then bring in "The Squatch" afterwards. The cartoon will be my first SOL related project to launch though unless it takes longer to put together than the first episode of SOL. The first SOL episode could be pilot I suppose but I dunno. The length isn't something I have decided yet. If its to actually be considered a real short film with meat on its bones I think at least 15 minutes is ideal. I think I can set up a good story while introducing the concept and getting folks intriqued about what will happen next in 15 minutes. Considering the attention span of many these days you really don't wanna go longer than that. 15 minutes can fit on Youtube, Instagram and Facebook and an edited version can run on TikTok. Twitter can have the trailer. As was my plan from the VERY beginning of all this I wanna do a few episodes of four webseries...SonsofLegend,Sasquatch and The Mythology Sisterhood,Sins Of Legend and DragonManx then bring everything together in a full length film. That was my plan but it was derailed because my investor at the time and other parties who agreed with him didn't share or understand my vision. I spoke with a director yesterday who has equipment and he seemed interested enough in the SOL concept to ask for the script. I really hope he takes the job so we can get this ball rolling as I have been away from filmmaking for too long. I realize this is something dear to me. It just makes me feel more alive doing this shit you know? Thinking about relationships and the troubles of the world fall to the wayside when I can see a film project coming together.

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 So I guess this is the new normal...people urinating on the property here and getting verbally assaulted by people (those who live here and otherwise) also theres the matter of tension with folks who work with me or in other departments. Its not wonder my nerves are shot and I have such a hard time relaxing. Some random nutcase outside started yelling at me as I walked to the entrance to a stairwell to start my break. It was loud and embarrasing and I think this same individual tried to punk me a few weeks ago. So instead of going on my way I simply stopped smiling and said I'm still here. They walked away though. Meanwhile the folks gathered said nothing but looked on in amusement. Well one person said "We live here" I asked "Who was that?" No response. Time for me to get out of here. In other news "The artist formerly known as Mr. Grey eyes" broke off things between us earlier. Maybe he somehow sensed it was coming because we didn't talk the other day. I have really been dreading having "the talk" and now its all done. Nothing left to do but move on. It was for the best and as much as I liked him the truth is we were not compatible. Perhaps I'm not compatible with anyone on this planet. I'm starting to wonder. Still theres so much I have to do. Maybe in this life I just don't have time for relationships or dating anymore.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 124

 Its been a crazy week so far but things have calmed down in a most surprising way. Particularly with the co-worker I was not getting along with. We actually got into it the other night but tonight it was as if he were a different peson. Dude offered me pizza last night and I guess pizza is one of my weaknesses. Even if it had ham on it. (I'm only eating mostly seafood and veggie or fruit things these days) He insisted I take 3 slices so I ate one and I'm bringing the other two slices home for maybe dinner today. I actually eat dinner when I get home nowadays. So last night was a cool night. No fighting or crazy folks hanging around causing trouble. The other night is a different story. There was a fight and then some guy was trying to taser people and another dude was throwing water on him from a water bottle. I watched the whole surreal ordeal unfold on the video cameras. Its something the stuff we witness here. I am still talking with my friend from Botswana. Formerly Mr. Grey Eyes. He shut me down about the nickname because he said it was something that caused him discomfort. But that was just me being affectionate in my own way. Thing is in all honesty the flame has kinda gone out for me anyway and we will have that "I think we need to just be friends" talk soon. Maybe today. We have nice conversations and all but there is no romance. I think because he was single for 10 years that part of him is just submerged in some way. Its nice havig someone to talk to daily who actually notices and appreciates you but I just don't have those feelings and I do feel bad about having to let him down you know? Meanwhile Captain Liberia still calls me and says I just dropped him because he is seeing this woman even though they rarely meet up and she lives out of state. There was a time I was really quite smitten with Jon but like 99% of the time it felt one-sided and after really thinking back on all those time we had together I realize it WAS one-sided. Tired of giving energy to people I have to pursue. I can't even really recall a time someone I thought was the shit paid that kind of attention to me. Really messes with your self esteem let me tell you. Makes you start to doubt your self worth and then folks see it and it really makes them not wanna be with you. Its a crazy cycle. Mr. Ninja and i have not spoken in months now. Sometimes I see him on my way out and we sort of acknowledge each other yet never speak and its weird we are acting as if we don't know each other. My guess is who ever he's giving it to on a regular basis is very important so the proper way he deals is to pretend I don't exist. Good for him I guess. The whole situation is so strange and I don't even know how to feel to be truthful. I never did anything wrong other than really care for dude yet I can take some comfort in the observation we were never compatible. There was some sexual attraction then...well I suppose it fizzled. Hard for me to maintain focus when one gets the idea they are not wanted. So its true you can get over anything in time and the heart can heal but it does take awhile. Life must go on. Theres a part of me that would like the concept of being in a relationship yet at this stage in my life its something I could do without if it just never happened again you know? I'm more invested in my comic book projects these days. There are a few film projects in production and the animated short is moving along. Outside of these passions as well as family and friends everything else seems like a distraction. 

Speaking of my projects I was trying to rent a room hare at work to do a rehearsal next week for the SonsofLegend promo short I'm filming before this year is out. But the staff hasn't responded since I sent a message yesterday. They changed the whole process of requesting a space so I'm not even sure they saw my request form you have to fill out online. Meanwhile the anthology comic Argo is doing which features my "DragonManx" character is about to have its Kickstarter campaign launched soon. Nerds With Badges may be getting at long last a new episode sooner than later. Was gonna order some new shirts to give my guests. That can get expensive but some folks have asked for the shirts. Maybe I should look into getting some NWB apparel made on a grander scale? Something for thought. The Sasquatch cartoon is getting its own comic book rendition and at the rate the artist works it will be done in a few more months. Its only gonna cost me like $80.00 a page. Sounds cheap but when you consider all the other things I'm pouring money into. Investments. Rent. Food. (Uber/LYFT!) Streaming apps and games or comics...well its that time for me to cut back especially since I have to start looking into storage space plus I gotta get a root canal and glasses. If I take too much time to dwell on all this shit the complexities of my life can seem overwhelming. Thank the gods I have outlets.🥲

Confessions of a sad superhero book 123

-To Indiana Jones's new soundtrack via Spotify-

I took a few sick days off work mainly because I have been more stressed out than usual and health-wise wise I noticed a few things that have alarmed me. I have lost weight and over the past few days I was feeling some kind of heartburn-type sensation and an over all impression as if my body was fighting off something. Thankfully I've managed to keep busy creatively so this definitely helps lift my spirits from that cloud of funkiness thats been floating around over me these last few months. It has been really rough to climb out of this dark space let me tell you. And as skittish as I am about dating now (since Mr. Ninja who turned out to be a colossal mistake and I had to accept "The good Captain" has his eyes set on a woman who he's likely been seeing since the time he was in LA) Mr. Grey Eyes has managed to become a consistent fixture of my life. Mr. Grey Eyes is a cool individual I connected with via a dating app. He's originally from Botswana and he's a father of two who is very successful/accomplished in his professional life. We do have nice conversations and I think he's cute as well as masculine that delightful island fashion which is VERY different from how most black men from the US behave. I guess to describe it would be a manner of masculinity almost boyish but certainly not womanly which is a trait many of the guys from here seem to adopt as "gay" behavior. I'm just not into men who act like women. No harm no foul. I understand why this occurs and I get its a part of the culture but its not entirely representative of all of our culture. But getting back to stress I realize I have to be very careful about letting a dude into my life and now might not be the ideal time to do it. But when is the ideal time? Its definitely nice having a man in your life who bothers to call you daily and who makes plans to spend vacation time with you. Its great to feel valued and...well its not hard not to wanna go back to being treated like trash when you have someone in your life who appreciates your energy. I'm dreaming frequently nowadays which means at least my mind is on the mend. Things are starting to get busy with the creative stuff. The cartoon is coming along. My comic projects are nearing the finish line and production is about to start on my new relaunch of "Sins Of Legend" as a webseries. Also I am putting in more time checking in on family because I realize the time I have with these people well its valuable and something to be treasured for all the obvious reasons. My stepmom is dealing with some illnesses and all my parents are getting on up in the years. Time is just flying by and I can't keep staying away because I've not lived up to ceratin expectations of self. You know I wanted to one day be able to provide more for all of them. Sometimes it hurts knowing I can't but it was never something they asked for. Sometimes we just put undue stress on ourselves trying to live up to an ideal we think others want of us. Sometimes we can get so caught up on what could be or some other nonsense we overlook what we do have right in front of us all the time. Sometimes a powerful sadness grips me when I think of how much time I have wasted and I wish I could go back to do some things differently. I wish I hadn't pushed some folks clear out of my life. I'm not sure if I can go back but what I do know is I have time now to work on these things. I guess all we really can do is do the best we can with what we have. Living in the now is indeed very important in life.

The last few weeks at work have been pretty crazy. After repeatedly clashing with a co-worker I lost some privileges. No laptop at the desk anymore. I gotta come right back after breaks and I gotta be careful about eating at the desk even though I never make a mess. Its crazy that I got in trouble because someone else was doing things they were not supposed to and I ended up getting punished when I ultimately had no choice but to go to the higher ups for help whenb it became a bully type situation. Just more reinforcement they don't really care and I need to focus on getting out of here. A staff member told me (when I asked her how she deals with a difficult co-worker) that this is something we all have to deal with and just keep in mind I am not going to be here forever. Some other folks are but NOT me. Still I am looking at possibly going to work for another security company sooner than later because I miss having the freedom to work on creative projects at work.

-To Be Continued-

Confessions of a sad superhero book 122

A hurricane is coming and I just survived one.

I have been through alot in the past few years. Alot in this past year alone. My mind has been cluttered and certainly overwhelmed. I realize everyone has issues and some others out there are going through things truly unimaginable to many of us but some things I experienced recently were devastating to my mind body and psyche. To say I went to a dark place is no understatement. I probably suffered at least several mental breakdowns in 2024 (that no one seemed to notice!) but I'm back on track now. Everything feels renewed and I'm all back dedicated and shit with the understanding I gotta leave some things behind to chase this dream of mine. To help me clean up after the proverbial storm and regain focus I did something I've been thinking about for months now. I put together a list of things...a schedule to carry me through March of 2024. An anchor really. Anyway, here it go.

SCHEDULE OF PROJECTS

<2023-2024>

 

2023

 

AUGUST

August 27^th (Nerds With Badges Interview)

August 28^th (Sins Rehearsal/Meeting)

 

SEPTEMBER

September 3^rd

(Long Beach Nerds With Badges Comic Con)

September 10^th

Nerds With Badges (Filming episode -PS4/iPod Repair-)

September 24^th

Sins Of Legend Teaser (Rehearsal)

 

OCTOBER

October 8^th

(Sins Of Legend Filming)

 

NOVEMBER

November 5^th

(Nerds With Badges)

 

DECEMBER

December 3^rd

(Nerds With Badges Los Angeles Comic Con)

 

December 17^th

(Nerds With Badges)

 

 

2024

 

JANUARY

Jan 7^th

(Nerds With Badges)

 

FEBRUARY

Feb 4^th

(Nerds With Badges)

 

MARCH

March 3^rd

(Nerds With Badges)

???

Confessions of a sad superhero book 121

 From yesterday while in Long Beach....

I’m still on vacation. Truthfully my spirit needed this. Took my annual little train ride to Long Beach today. Just wanted to sit out by the water for awhile. Try to clear out some of the clutter in my brain. I have so much on my mind and by the time I got on the train I could feel my body tensing up. Like I have been sleeping uncomfortably for some time now and so often my neck is stiff or sore. Today it was really flaring up and I felt overwhelmed by emotions as this very attractive brother came to sit across from me. He was dark and muscular with a black and white (or was it blue and white?) striped short sleeved shirt. I wanted to look over in his direction but I just focused on reading an X-Men comic via the kindle app on my little Samsung tablet. There were some other attractive fellas on the train. Surprisingly there were not a lot of folks on the train and it was even more sparsely populated on the marina where I’m currently sitting. Its kinda hot out here but its fine as long as you are not sitting directly in the sun. Microsoft windows locked me out of word at first so I wasn’t able to type anything until I found a free wi-fi signal. (I really gotta get me a hotspot) I really planned to come out here to work on a schedule for my projects this year. I might do that later if I can find a Denny’s around here because since my Birthday was yesterday I get a free meal. The free meal is usually something I do every year but yesterday when I went to Denny’s with Sir Nathan I had the horror of finding out you gotta reserve online now via an app.

 I have been talking a lot with my friend in Texas. He’s a ranch owner from Botswana. We have good conversations and I am finding “that Jamaican person” to be ever so gradually fading from my thoughts because that is what happens when you connect with a cool person willing to invest in possibly having a future with you as opposed to someone who basically pretends you don’t exist. Its nice being able to notice other attractive guys that might like you do in fact actually exist. I saw quite a few today. I walked past a couple on my way to the Marina and the lady laughingly goes “Protect ya neck!” She was giving me props on my bootlet Wutang shirt that I ordered off Amazon a few months back because I had ended up getting hooked on the excellent Hulu series. Anyway that made me laugh and you know this was a reminder that no matter what Long Beach will always feel like home to me. Maybe oneday I’ll move back here.

I find myself thinking a lot about quitting the lgbt center. Especially since my stuff was stolen. It just doesn’t feel the same working there now. When you add up all the crazy stuff that’s going on with clients and people of questionable character hanging around plus all the potential security risks I get stressed out simply thinking of going back there. (Damn is this sun making my laptop HOT!) honestly I did think about doing some job hunting with this extra time I have to myself. Guess I could. Wouldn’t hurt. (The Queen Mary ship nearby just blew her horn so I’m thinking that might be my que to split. Its weird but I have noticed the police watching me since I came here today. I only started experiencing this over the last few years and I don’t really dwell on it. I’m simply aware. A black soldier recently fled to Korea he says to get away from the crazy racist shit that happens here. I totally understand how he feels. Damn this seafood smells really good blowing around from these restaurants on the marina. I’m really tempted to go get some shrimp. Then again I can use doordash for that later since they gave me credit for screwing up my order yesterday. Doordash and Uber Eats have dropped the ball several times with my food recently. I need to stop spending money on these services. Well I’m about to end this but next week I’m planning to start rehearsals for my new Sins short and things are moving along with my comics and the animation so despite all the chaos of life I’ve still remained productive… 

Update: On my way home a cool chick with a facial disfigurement gave me strawberry Jarittos soda because she didn't have a can opener. I ended up going to Chipotle for a chicken bowl also.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 120

 Delayed response and other strange happenings. 

Part 1

I got a surprise the other day when Mr. Ninja called me up out of the blue. It was a cool conversation I guess. We talked about things in general going on at work and it was different talking to him this time because all I kept thinking was how to end the conversation and get off the phone. Meanwhile, he kept asking me if I was working that night even after I'd already told him a couple of times during our conversation. I gotta figure out a healthy way to deal with this. Dude came by my place and I think when he saw the clutter it just changed the dynamic. I still believe asking him to come up that first time was a mistake even though things kinda got hot and heavy. Perhaps my mistake was not taking him up on his offer to help me clean up? Perhaps I was so embarrassed thats the reason I didn't let him help me? Its ironic because my apartment is due for inspection next week so I HAVE to unclutter the place. Could use the help but right now its so hot and they say this weekend will be a really HOT one. Then again will it be too much temptation you know...us being in the same space alone and all? I did tell him we are just friends going forward but friends do hang out together from time to time I guess. But when you are trying to get over someone...well sometimes it takes a while for the lust to go away. Maybe in some cases it never really goes away. I suppose then it simply lies dormant. Its the craziest thing  having a powerful attraction for someone and you really don't want to be because you know the other person will never feel the same way. Maybe sometimes some people do eventually come around though because a few people from my past have hit me up recently. My theory is once folks have a taste of reality they come to understand they really should have given some of us a chance because all this time ya'll coulda been in a healthy relationship.

Part 2 

8.11.2023

So I'm really starting to think I've been hacked because most of my electronic stuff has been acting kinda funky but I honestly mostly don't care as weird as that sounds. I'm pretty sure someone has hacked my instagram because I'm always noticing things that i supposedly clicked on with likes yet these are things I have not clicked on so I've said it before and I'll say it again....some people just have too much extra time on their hands. But...whatever. I just had to pay my animator a grip of moolah plus a couple of artists for doing comic related work then I ordered a few things I needed from Lowes. The inspection on my apartment was done yesterday. I did a pretty decent clean up before the guy came through. I guess I did okay because he didn't take any photos and despite the clutter its organized and its actually rare for me to see a roach in my place these days because I use so many different types of poisons along with plenty of roach preventive measures. Trash with food goes in plastic airtight bags. This is usually promptly thrown in the trash chute in the hallway. Sometimes I spray the chute or toss a few pesticides down it as well. Better to overdo things when it comes to these pests. I may have Sir Nathan come over at some point sooner than later to help me remove my bed. Meanwhile I assembled a shoe rack the other day ordered from Amazon. Where else? And...tonight at work was particularly tough as my eyes were so tired due to disturbed sleep from that damn inspection...

My vacation is coming up but its unlikely I will go anywhere. Might go to Long Beach to sit out by the water for awhile but thats about it. Was considering going to visit my mother and even though Florida tickets are cheap now (I wonder why) I can wait till Oct. Especially since I already have so many other financial obligations. Still need to get that root canal done. Maybe in Oct me and my friend in Texas who I've been talking with might meet up in Vegas. I'm still skittish on dating but I'm trying to remain open to it. Someone from my past has been reaching out since we came across each other on the dating app (which I have tried to cancel my membership yet Match.com makes this very difficult to actually pull off!) Mr. Ninja remains someone I have chosen to avoid because I realize it was a big mistake getting involved with him. Maybe in the future a friendship will be possible but I can't risk that right now because although most of my romantic feelings for him are gone theres still the attraction factor. It hasn't completely faded. Yet. Out of sight out of mind does wonders for resistance though! In other news it appears the FTC is doing yet another appeal to block the Microsoft/Activision/Blizzard acquisition. My God, I am so tired of these people. Yep, I am rooting for Microsoft because I'd like to see them back on top again like they were when the 360 was hot.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 119

Up all night listening to "Kroq" on the radio. Longing for a breeze from my window because this fan is barely enough...😭

"The only thing I did wrong was fall for the wrong person. I didn't do anything wrong except fall for you. A person I was never meant to be with. Now the chance for us to be friends is ruined and I can't even look at your picture" 

I had a dream. Don't remember much of it except I was in a house somewhere. Seemed to be a pretty big house. I get the feeling it might have been somewhere in Louisiana. Maybe it was the home of Lestat? I dunno. Its gotten really hot here in Los Angeles and I'm really lusting for an air conditioner. Probably end up investing in one of those this year. Now much in the way of extra cash these days since alot of my cashflow is funneled into projects. Its no exaggeration to say because I've been going thru so much trying to get this guy out of my head and my life that I've become numb to so much. I avoind him at work but still end up running into him so now I've gotten to thinking of quitting. Isn't that nuts? its obvious he's been avoiding me too because he doesn't come in early anymore or stop through to put his lunch in the fridge anymore. Its insane that two people who connected are now reduced to staying away as if we both have some terrible disease. Honestly I will probably never really know the whole story on what went wrong with us. I suspect this is someone I should have only tried to have a friendship with. So many we probably come across we are not meant to sleep with. Some we meet should never become these fixtures in our lives and we mess up when we go there. Sometimes there are even warning signs or red flags we ignore. So here I am. But I am gonna be going back to taking public transportation because its too expensive taking Uber or Lyft to work every night. I was doing this largely to avoid so much of the riffraff on the metro these days plus its convenient but there are times I miss listening to music on a bus or train ride to work also there are times its socially awkward riding in a car with someone who clearly is not interested in having a conversation with you. Some folks are just fucking mean and have no business interacting with the public but anyway... 

The guy I went to have lunch with last week just got himself an Xbox Series S via his internet service provider having a promotion. He is NOT a gamer but he called me and I kinda helped him to understand just what that little white box he has is capable of. Streaming movies. Listening to music. Surfing the web. Maybe even videochat. Its a system that plays videogames yet it can do so much more. I have considered going over his place to help him hook everything up but I gotta be careful not to give the wrong idea. I think he's okay but not my type at all. Could be a possible friendship connection but he definitely vibrates on a lower frequency than me. What I'm saying is that he reminds me of some other people I know who at times it can be a challenge being around them because they seem unhappy or cynical plus their anxiety seems to trigger my anxiety. Some people make you happy being around them or they make you feel comfortable. Thats the kind of energy I need in my life and I'd like to bring that myself as well. 

Its been a week of back-and-forth texts with me and a nice guy who lives in Texas and is originally from Botswana. We did finally talk on the phone yesterday and it was a very nice conversation. The dude came here when he was pretty young and he's a physical therapist with two kids. He also has his own ranch. We talked about so many things and it was an enlightening as well as educational experience for me. I think many people have interesting things happen to them but this guy had my attention the whole time. I asked him so many questions because he's so interesting. Lets call him "Sir Squatch" (since I am always teasing him about Bigfoot coming to his ranch to steal his cattle!) Sir Squatch has two adult aged sons he adopted. They are survivors of Katrina and one has dealt with some challenges regarding anxiety so this really hit close to home for me of course since I am the poster child for anxiety. Well one of them anyway. There was a third child but that adoption was reversed due to some problems. Sir Squatch and I had a very interesting talk about whats going on in Uganda regarding "the gay issue" and he brought up a good point about how the US may be over stepping in trying to affect what others do in other parts of the world. Also we spoke on what he called propaganda regarding China or Russia supposedly taking advantage of or even abusing connections with Africa. Seems there has mostly always been friendly relations between them and maybe the US is getting nervous as the balance of power may be shifting and Africa isn't so much dependent on them these days. Its always wonderful when you are able to learn something from someone smarter than you. Its equally wonderful to talk with someone smarter than you that you can actually respect. As far as attraction goes I told Sir Squatch all about my situation with Mr. Ninja and he's understanding. We talked about maybe meeting up on my birthday vacation but since the days I am off don't line up with his and I doubt I can change it this close to the time requested we discussed an alternative. Now I always take off for Halloween and he was planning to go to Vegas this year so we might make arrangements to synch our schedules so we can meet over there for pumpkin day. I imagine being in Vegas for halloween will be an event with shows and things so this is something worth looking into. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 118

 So I'm starting to feel alot like the old me. The me before all the crazy stuff happened and I lost my mind then over time all the pieces (most of them) started to come back together again. I think it really dawned on me this morning how overwhelmed I am with things I have going on and the more my focus grows I realize thinking about any relationship related shit is a luxury I can't afford. Now I did briefly see a certain person as they came in to work yesterday morning but as I was on my way to my Uber and dude made no attempt to slow down well it feels like some sort of reboot has happened in our origin story. Its been so long since we have really talked or seen each other longer than 5 seconds it is really like we never met or got to know each other at all. Its feeling more like a distant dream meanwhile the reality that I am behind in so many other things is growing heavy. I saw a little infomercial on YouTube yesterday where he said something that made me think. He said you likely have 75 years on this planet and you really need  to start living and quit wasting time. I think more and more about my parents and sometimes other family members leaving this world and if i dwell on it its painful...it hurts to think about how much time I wasted when I should have been spending it with them because when they're gone...well you know how  that goes. 

I did call my father yesterday. We spoke for about half an hour at least. Turns out my stepmother is in the hospital again but this time its related to her kidneys. This particular illness seems to run in her family and I keep getting angry because theres this part of me that wonders if those doctors down there know what they are doing. Also my father and Geraline have come down with Covid. He says they caught it at the hospital but since they both had the shots the symptoms are pretty tame. He just has to stay quarantined for another 3-5 days. I plan to call my mother today. I still haven't decided when I'm visiting this year. Usually its around Halloween but maybe this year I'll go for Christmas or turkey day (Not that I eat turkey or any other meat outside of seafood anymore) and go see my father on New Years day. 

Sinead O'Connor passed yesterday. She was 56 and is known for the Prince song "Nothing Compares To You" This talented woman made headlines by ripping up a picture of the Pope on Saturday night live. This pretty much black balled her in the industry but now I'm hearing folks owe her an apology due to all that has gone down with the catholic church over the years... She struggled with some mental health issues and converted to Islam some years back and also had to deal with her son committing suicide. Something she never really bounced back from. Its pretty crazy the shit that people go thru and when you see it you re-think some of the stuff you stress about. Rest in power, Sinead. This world can't hurt you anymore.

I did go on that breakfast meet yesterday. It was hotter than I expected outside and the coupon dude had for the restaurant was for the wrong one so I suggested we go to Starbucks. It was great to get out of the heat but i realized dudes anxiety might be worse than mine because as we stood there in line he wasn't talking to me and it felt incredibly awkward. Actually considered bailing because he was making my anxiety kick in. Still when we sat down and the conversation started flowing his cool points multiplied. Not my type really but it doesn't matter because what I really need right now are friends. There is another person I might go spend some time with on my birthday next month. I already told him I'm shelving dating but this guy and I have been texting for a week and theres definitely a cool connection communication-wise. Thing is with my animation project and now a short film in the works it might simply be financially unwise to plan any luxury non family related trips until at least next year sometime. I really would love to get out of town for a few days but I gotta be patient. Somethings one must sacrifice for the cause. Another thing...Sir Nathan is still not responding to my messages on social media and it appears his phone is off. This is the part where Sergio gets worried. Meanwhile I gotta replace him in the cartoon because I need an actor. Also an actress. Placed an ad online for the jobs this morning. Gotta decide on a storyboard artist too. Well its late and i need to leave work or risk running into you know who. Just feels like we need to keep our distance for awhile. At least thats how I feel. Trying to not open any old wounds you know...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 117

 The last few weeks have been kind of a slow blur. Just like in the video games I did alot of sleeping and letting the days flash forward and the downside is so much has happened I gotta try to remember everything so I can jot it down here. My addiction to these shrimp skewers I have been ordering via doordash has grown. I've also gotten hooked on bear attack videos on Youtube and playing Vampire The Masquerade Bloodhunt on PS5. But hey some things are cool to be addicted to I guess. Uncool things include thinking about people who don't really care whether you live or die. It took a while (like two months) of emotional turmoil but I think for the most part I got over my "love sickness" regarding a certain person I was rather fond of that I met at the workplace. Basically I made the decision to stay away from dude. I still haven't been able to bring myself to look at his photos. Out of sight out of mind, you know? It gets exhausting thinking about all the what if I did this or that differently. Blaming myself for not saying or doing the right thing. Blaming him. Pondering if maybe we never should have gotten intimate in the first place. Of course, looming deadlines can help take ones mind off these things. Responsibilities you know? Also, I've been trying to edge back into dating but ultimately decided to step back from that because the truth is I'm just not ready. Not now. I'm probably still gonna try to be a bit more social. Like I am meeting someone today for breakfast but there are so many other things I have to focus on for me to be happy or to feel accomplished...dating or trying something like that feels like putting the carriage before the horse. I know now I'm not gonna be happy with someone until I feel like I'm bringing something to the table. My life is in a flux right now and the projects I started need my full attention. That includes giving my place a much-needed makeover. I'm gonna be off next month for my birthday and I've some ideas. Was hoping to get Sir Nathan to help me but he's been missing in action (hopefully he's okay) but theres no getting around some stuff must go into storage. Speaking of missing in action my therapist called the other day. She left a message explaining whats been going on in her life. The pregnancy was a difficult one but she's okay and back giving sessions again. In other news the Microsoft deal is actually finally happening. FTC has been asked to back off their Sony-inspired crusade by the government to try and stop the acquisition. I'm so glad and really hope Microsoft can use this victory to get back to really competing in the games industry. Just...no more stupid decisions or doing anti-consumer shit. It does seem though for every good step these companies take they eventually go and do something to mess things up. We'll see what happens next. I'm just tired of Xbox being in 3rd place. Other stuff going on is there is a lot of talk concerning reparations and rolling back of certain laws. There are certainly some things happening in society right now which should have more people alarmed but it may be so much is going on is hard to focus on things and some parties are using these "distractions" to slip things thru and nobody is really taking notice. Many people seem to have attention deficiencies or they are apathetic towards stuff. Is it simply the age we live in or is something else going on? Do I need to break out my tin foil hat? 

There is this guy I connected with off the dating app who seems nice. We have actually been texting back and forth for a week. Video chat is incoming but I've come to realize this is someone I myself am not compatible with although as a person I've grown fond of him. Really I'm worried he'll want to break off things if he realizes I can't date him. Dude is looking for a husband and Igotta tell him that I recently came to understand I'm not ready to date anyone. Probably will be quite some time before I'm ready. For the sake of my well being I cannot allow myself to get attached to anyone after what I just went through. It was a nightmare. I have lost weight. I neglected my projects. Friends and family. Inside I was pretty messed up to the point all I wanted to do was stay in the house and stay in bed. Felt worthless truthfully and I know this whole thing has changed me. Lets just say I have discovered my kryptonite. Just imagine going through one of the worst things you ever experienced so why would you want to put yourself on the line like that again? Anyway thats all I'm saying about that. From now on all I want to do is move forward and one day all this will be merely a distant and unpleasant memory. So I said before that there are concerning things going on in the world right now...well months ago the writers went on strike and now the actors are too. This has effectively shut down Hollywood. I mean its happening because productions are halting and other industry professionals are joining the fight. Hollywood bigwigs are making millions and billions while the talent (just as has been a problem in the music industry) are receiving pennies. One incredibly hot actor I have the hugest crush on (Ian Verdun) made a really cool video on his instagram talking about how shitty the biz treats actors. Now there is talk of UPS workers going on strike.  In the UK they are about to pass a law that will force companies to stop screwing consumers by selling us electronic shit and not allowing us the option to change the batteries. So when the battery dies you either have to go get a specialist to replace it or do what most folks do and simply upgrade. I'm starting to hear about  more backlash against the LGBT community because of how some stuff is being directed towards children and folks are getting frustrated about immigrants coming here and recieving help while needs in communities here are being overlooked. Its getting crazy out here. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 116

 (To Foreign Exchange playlist on Spotify)

Things I have learned:

Sometimes when people are intimidated by you they will act out in curious ways...

1. Ignoring you.

2. Being mean.

3. Gossiping.

4. Copying you.

5. Dispute and try to bait you into arguments or awkward situations.

6. Sometimes it IS them and not you.

7. Some people (either due to diet, genetics or spiritual issues) have hormone or testosterone imbalances and it is why they behave the way they do. 

8. Some of us are better off staying single.

9. Misery DOES in fact love company

10. Some people take certain jobs because they would never last working somewhere else.

11. Always hold on to at least one dream.

12. Theres nothing wrong with taking a "mental health day" off from work.

13. Never make important life altering decisions when you're upset. (This actually was a quote from the police chief on the tv show "New York Undercover" that I remember from when I was a wee lad.)

14. Save that money for a rainy day.

15. Always have a contingency plan. Like Batman.

I had an interesting conversation with a rideshare driver the other night. Initially whenI got in the car and tried to have a conversation he was rude and standoffish until I brought up the Microsoft acquisition of Activision and how shady some businesses and politicians can be. Dude blew my mind by completely opening up and getting into a spirited conversation with me about the military leaving Iraq as well as corruption in businesses and having hope in a world that seems to be spiraling out of control morality-wise. He was a cute white guy probably early 30's and he talked like he had a military background. Definitely the reserved mysterious type. Masculine in that country boy kind of way. So he was Batman if Batman was raised on a farm in Kansas and then he had to watch his folks gunned down in an alley. Maybe he was Clark who watched his folks gunned down? Anyway I do tend to have some great talks with Lyft and Uber drivers. Some won't talk but this is usually due to a language barrier although of course, some folks are just assholes. The other day before the other day I had a good discussion with another cute white guy about the whole Microsoft vs FTC circus and I think I may have inadvertently convinced dude to buy a Logitech G Cloud. This guy was absolutely gorgeous to the point it was painful. Well not really painful but he was hot. It does definitely seem in many ways I share more interests with white fellows and we are usually able to get along. Brothas have that edge about them and I gotta admit at times it does make being around some exhausting. Last week all I did was walk by this young brotha (near the job) of around age 25ish and he muttered "white boy" under his breath to insult me while holding his phone. I have seen videos on social media of people walking past folks while acting like they are talking on their phone and they mumble something inflammatory. Its all on purpose but its a slick way to maybe make it seem you won't be held accountable as the insulting person can't exactly prove you were talking to or about them. Some humans have too much time on their hands. 

Had another one of those weird exchanges on IGN last night. IGN formerly known as "Game sages" used to be a website primarily dedicated to the culture of videogames but now they have branched out into all facets of pop culture. Perhaps not so much on the music side of things but anyway there was an article about a young hacker being sentenced for causing mayhem with GTA6 and I responded to the article by talking about hacker issues experienced at work which resulted in our cloud access being restricted. This really stung because I'd purchased a Logitech G Cloud for cloud gaming shortly before they really cracked down here since some youngin got the center in trouble. I also mentioned the DOS attacks on consoles that used to cause issues for the gaming community during the holidays. Also, I mentioned not being able to game with certain titles on breaks since the new changes with our network. This jerk had the nerve to respond to me "Oh poor guy can't game at work! LOL" Then he put a laughing emoji and I was like...Man, you are not even adding anything to the topic being discussed and are only here to take cheap shots at me for whatever reason. For the record, I have worked on my job for many years. What is your point? Are you saying I shouldn't take breaks? Get a life. Over the years the comments sections of IGN have become a breeding ground for some of the most contemptible individuals. There is alot of unfiltered hate for people who fall within certain demographics. It got to the point that IGN had to start having moderators monitor the comments sections. I'm sure this person responded the way he did because he noticed I mentioned WHERE I WORK in my reply. At times I am ashamed to share the same hobbies/interests with some of these "peers". I miss the days when games, comics, and superheroes only belonged to us nerd folk. Now they just let anybody in the door because these things are trendy. 

I think the Microsoft acquisition is a done deal now. Although the FTC filed an appeal it doesn't appear the courts are gonna honor it. This needed to happen before midnight which was a few hours ago. I'm happy because I really wanna see a Call Of Duty game on my Nintendo Switch. Also, I am pretty much convinced Sony have become bullies. Sort of like how at times the LGBT community acts like bullies too but thats another discussion. HopefullyMicrosoft will revive some of the Activision titles that have laid dormant for a while. This will definitely make Sony change some of their practices because well they have to in order to compete. They did start this whole $70.00 price tag for games and they fought tooth and nail against being able to game on your PlayStation with or against folks on other platforms. I am gonna take my lunch now but before I go play some games on my laptop I will log onto social media to see how the Microsoft situation has progressed...

Back from lunch. My supervisor really got on my nerves just now. They were getting on me for taking my break at 4am and i tried to explain that we are short and whenever there is no supervisor here I tend to run into issues getting my breaks. This I found out from other people is because folks don't like working at this particular station because it has added responsibility. All the other things people do and get away with but because I took my break late this time it feels like I'm committing a capital offense. The guy I spoke with on the dating site said he never had to work somewhere and deal with people having authority over him and I try to imagine a life like that. I do certainly appreciate this job but I am at a time in my life where I am tired of people not smarter than me having control over my life. There are also people in certain positions who throw their weight around or treat you some kind of way and it can affect your self-esteem if you are not careful. I need to be my own boss sooner than later.

(Listening to Lady T playlist on Youtube)

This trans prostitute just shook my nerves by coming up and tapping loudly on the door. Sent my heart racing. I just ignored her because I just don't wanna get caught up in some drama especially right before my shift ends. Months ago we had some insane trans person who was doing this and really gave me a start one night. Its something that when your adrenalin kicks in and your body releases chemicals it can really do a number on one and sometimes it takes a minute to come down from these stressful moments. So what happens to the mind and body when one is constantly in a stressful environment? I mean literally ALL the time without really relaxing? What do you become?

Confessions of a sad superhero book 115

I noticed something interesting the other day. When I am playing certain types of games it seems my adrenalin kicks in and I experience some type of anxiety that can make me uneasy around people. 

I can think of certain people and their scent can actually come back as if they were still around. This is why I suspect when we have sex with people not only do they imprint on us spiritually but we become joined on a chemical level as well. More with some than others. 

Why do people insist on doing graffiti? I mean yes some is beautiful and certainly deserving to be called art yet some is like animals tagging their territory or some stupid BS like that. Don't people understand that it is almost certain their own tax money is spent cleaning this shit off property or even the streets. I'm a bit pissed because apparently someone tagged the sidewalk here at work this morning and we can't rewind the cameras to see who. There was a group of people gathered outside earlier so thats likely when it happened.

A cool guy on the dating site has been expressing some interest and judging from his reaction to my profile and things he's revealed in our messaging he's THE REAL DEAL. So you know that saying be careful what you wish for and what happens when you finally get it? This is something i really gotta put some thought into. Especially in regard to how I reply to his messages. Oh yeah in other news it looks like the FTC is gonna appeal the courts decision about not blocking the Microsoft acquisition. Stay tuned...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 114

-Listening to Norman Brown on Spotify-

One of my supervisors who has been here almost 30 years is retiring and today will be his last day. (Another co-worker who left recently wants to come back) He came by to say goodbye and to tell me to always be aware of my surroundings here. It felt kinda bittersweet because yesterday one of the other guards told me about a conversation she had with this supervisor who I always thought hated my guts. She said he told her..."Sergio might not seem like he knows whats going on but he might know more than any of us and you can learn some things from him I was pretty damn shocked to be honest. I would always find myself wondering why dude was so hard on me and if it was one of those straight not being cool with gay folk things but I guess maybe some people who may not seem like it can fool me. What I mean to say is sometimes what you see on the surface isn't how they really feel on the inside. People sure can be complicated sometimes.

Been dreaming pretty frequently and waking up early enough to actually see the sunlight. Just have to make sure I go to be pretty soon after I get home from work and also I have to force myself to go to bed by or before 3am otherwise I'll get up too late to really be able to do anything. Usually this might involve me having to take a sleeping pill or doing the "touch myself routine" which doesn't always work. My body is just so accustomed to being awake at night so going to bed early is a real struggle. Still I feel I'm starting to get back to the old me again. Focusing on projects and doing some house cleaning. I have alot of work to do in regards to house cleaning. Its gonna be a pretty damn epic undertaking to get everything the way it should be. Someone said I should donate some stuff and that would certainly make it all easy you know? Paying for storage could be costly. I have gotten to the point where I officially need to be bringing things out of my place and NOT bringing anything new in. I've a big ass tv that if I get rid of will leave plenty of space. My bed (which is really just two queen mattresses) is something I have been meaning to throw out and replace with a futon for awhile plus my carpet desperately needs cleaning. Being in a long state of depression can do this to you. Turn you into a clutter king/queen. This ongoing war with roaches is probably something that is gonna continue. I do buy different poisons every paycheck in order to make sure they can't build a resistance to what I'm using. Back in the day the older management in my building would have an exterminator come spray but this hasn't happened since like the early 2000's. I've even seen a few here at work, Damn things are just about impossible to get rid of. When my place is clutter free hopefully I won't have such a problem with them. I see roaches maybe three or four times a week at the most but to me thats still too much. They get into and ruin anything. I am so worried about my electronics and every now and then I will see some attempting to enter my refrigerator so I have to make sure its closed tightly. Ideally this big clean-up is something that'll be largely underway by the time my birthday rolls around next month. I think it would be nice to be able to have people come over you know? Sir Nathan for example wanted to stay over like two weeks ago as he'd locked himself out of his place but I told him it would not be such a good idea even though he has seen my place. He has offered to help so I'm of the mind I should take him up on his offer. Of course that means when he moves I gotta make sure to reciprocate because I feel guilty about not offering when he moved into his new place. He got himself two kittens. So many folks have animals and I dig it but my place is too small plus I really feel when I do eventually get a fur baby this is something that should be done jointly with a significant other. Am I wrong for thinking that way? 

Well my eyes are tired and I really need to get out of here so Ima bounce but I wanna add that I am so happy Microsoft appear to have won the right to aqcuire activision despite Sony and the FTC as well as the CMA's efforts to block it. I think Microsoft needs this in order to be able to compete with Sony and even Nintendo. Guess when I come back here I'll talk more in depth regarding this epic buyout. Its actually the biggest gaming aqcuisition (69 billion republic credits...er dollars) I do so hope we get some kick ass new Spyro and Crash Bandicoot games. Also I am looking forward to playing Call of Duty in some form on my Nintendo Switch. This has been the only Nintendo system without a COD and I don't understand why Activision hasn't at least ported over some of the older games that can surely run on the 7 year old console. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 113

 Went to the supermarket yesterday. It was a giant leap for me because well when you have anxiety even something as simple as going out fo a walk can be a challenge. I've been ordering alot of things from Amazon or using services like Door Dash and Uber Eats to avoid having to go out and deal with people. These things do tend to get costly after awhile. I use Uber and Lyft alot when going to or leaving work because the way things are now you never know what you're gonna get on public transportation. When Covid was heavier on our minds the public transportation services were free to everyone so you had alot of characters on the buses or trains. I know homeless does not mean useless and having to deal with my own mental issues I'm understanding some of us struggle more than others yet there were smelly, cantankerous individuals we ALL had to contend with on a daily basis. I saw a fight break out one morning on a bus because a man was assaulted by a woman. Another hostile exchange happened on the train one day going to Long Beach. At times there were folks blasting LOUD music. Some people smoke on the train with no regard to others. Some folks have the place cluttered up with luggage. You have some truly NASTY looking folks sometimes not even masked up coughing or sneezing and many folks nowadays i notice won't even cover their mouths and look at you like you are crazy if you say something. I was threatened by a bro on the bus home from work simply because I looked in his direction. Mr. Ninja was attacked in a train station one day. quite a few people I know just stopped taking public transportation altogether because they got tired of all the BS. Its a shame really because we got some new buses recently but nasty ass folks eventually dirty them up and throw shit on the floors. I am constantly amazed at how nasty some humans are. Seriously. Some people obviously have no home training. Anyhow so much has happened to me (just) over the last few years that I am certain I went through my own form of PTS and it took me exactly how long it needed to take for me to survive mentally without turning into a damn super villain. So I can say I feel some sense of accomplishment in my life now especially with all the progress being made in my ongoing projects. 

Speaking of projects I am gonna be filming a commercial for Sins Of Legend next month. Figure that will be a nice little birthday present for myself. Still working on getting my place cleaned up because my spirit definitely needs it. I guess no matter where we are in life there will always be some room for improvement, right? 

The dating thing is still a bust. Someone told me I need to just try and meet folks in real life and not online. I'm inclined to say he's right. I just wish I could get out of the financial commitment this particular app I am using locks you into for 3 months. It just seems crazy they can do that you know? You pay for 3 months and its an unbreakable contract. Thing is I am already wanting to cancel and it woulda been cool if there were a trial you could use or allow me to pay for one month? You know in case I don't like the service. If I am gonna meet someone its likely I will meet them through my artistry. Maybe it sounds silly but I really mostly believe I won't be datable to many until things take off with my work as an artist or writer. People want stability. They also want BIG muscles apparently. All yo have to do is go on social media and its all there in your face. Big muscular handsome fellas living in big houses or driving fancy cars. Whats crazy is that most of these guys are straight and probably broke ass models. Many are out of the country and scammers too. Wannabe personal trainers with photoshopped thirst trap pics. They are selling an illusion to so many gay men who will worship their photos and overlook anything else because that fantasy is so much more comforting than real life in all its imperfections. Don't even get me started on all the hackers and bots online. I think some advances in technology really have damaged how we interact with each other plus its caused many of us to lose touch with reality. The Six Million Dollar Man said sometimes old fashioned is the best way to go. A back to basics approach is something I often fantasize about really. Being somewhere in the coutry and meeting some hot country brother. A "Forrest Gump" character like dude Frank Ocean was talking about. Someone maybe not corrupted by this world. Someone not so dependent on technology or glued to their cellphone. He probably does exist on this planet. More than likely not in this country though. Alot of the American black men I see seem to be getting less and less masculine and so many are not really into dating other black men. Yeah, theres that too. Then there is also a thing with other races not wanting to date black men. It is like trying to find a unicorn these days in regard to dating. Well if you want to find something long term. Thats my observation anyway. I guess it makes alot more sense then that so many seem to have given up? Has dating or the search for a LTR become a dying artform? 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 112

(To THE RINGS OF POWER soundtrack on Spotify)

A few hours ago something really interesting happened. It was something I really wasn't expecting to happen. I mean...maybe some years from now when my mind would probably struggle momentarily to recall any individuals from my past as an employee at the LGBT center. Well now I guess its the LGBTQ+ whatever center. Hard to keep up with this stuff. Anyway the man who I struggled to move past sent me a text out of the blue asking how I was. Its been over a month since we last spoke on the phone or saw each other. When he walked past me at the job as if we barely knew each other I knew this was not someone healthy for me to associate with. The nonchalant response when I told him we should only continue forward as friends was a firm reminder dude didn't care and the fact he went a month without bothering to reach out at all served as a nasty reality check for me. I now know the importance of staying in ones lane. I now know I can shut out people just as easily as they do me and what does not kill you does make you stronger. The last month has been my own personal version of hell having to put these feelings behind me. Theres that song "I can't make you love me" and another one called "Cowboys and Angels" Then theres a recent favorite of mine "Vampire" by Olivia Rodrigo. Perhaps it is true that love and relationships like that are not meant for some of us. For whatever reason. Priests have been staying out of the game for hundreds if not thousands of years. (Maybe thats not the best example) and there are plenty of folks who thrive without romance or sex. Even if one remains single forever this is not the end and it certainly shouldn't mean you gotta stay depressed all the time because of it. Life goes on after all and there are always other dreams to chase. I can chase financial security. I can chase stability and health. I can chase success as an artist/writer/filmmaker. These things are just more tangible. Love...is something I can say I have experienced. Maybe not on the level I would have wanted yet it came and maybe it went too and I have to be okay with that very real possibility in order for me to face the future. No I've not given up but I'm preparing myself. If I'd given up I wouldn't have created an account with an online dating application. We'll see how it goes and try not to obsess over it. Right now I've a cartoon and some comic book projects to worry about. I've got to stay focused on keeping my job as long as I need it to finish projects and save up money to maybe move. Also have my health and family to think about. Lots of movies and songs to hear and videogames to play. Lots of places I need to visit too. Theres so much to do with the time I have left. I can't afford to give Mr. Ninja time in my life unless he is willing to fight for what was once given freely...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 111

(To Chilled Hip-Hop And Neo-Soul Mix #10 on Youtube)

Mr. No Drive:

Where is the desire

for me?

Where is the desire for anyone?

He has no desire in him.

No Drive.

Needs those boosts

to get the drive

Needs those testosterone injections

otherwise he ain't missing nobody.

Ain't thinkin or carin about nobody.

I couldn't help but wonder 

how did this happen 

or was it always like this?

Never got answers

because he didn't hang around long enough...

Formerly Mr. Now Presently Miss:

I cried 

like I'd never cried before 

when I found out what he did.

Went under the knife

wasn't happy with how he looked

wasn't happy being the beautiful man

that he was.

Went to the doctors

got it all chopped off

got him some breastesses

got himself pumped full of them hormones

estrogen overruling ALL the masculinity

all the hard feeling musculature

the sweet aromas of manhood

that silky deep voice

all stripped away 

to be discarded 

flushed down some toilet

or dumped out back 

in some black biohazard-labeled bags.

He's got the higher voice now

fuller lips

longer hair

and long funky curvy nails with diamonds in them

while somewhere in heaven 

angels are crying 

God is crying 

all along with me

at the lost manchild

who would punish us 

for remembering/mourning who he was

by running away from us.

Its like he died twice.

I can't even look at the photos in my ipad

Its too painful

Seems so surreal

that we all have to accept

That beautiful man 

is gone.

Someone Inside:

He came from the dark

climbed from the pit like Bruce Wayne

fought through the crowds of mutated people

swung over some monsters too

and then he retreated to his cave.

He stayed in that cave

hair growing long

clutter and dishes piling up

all the while he was planning to go back out 

he was dreading going back out

dreading thoughts of rejections

dreading a painful past

tormented by nightmares of being in school

tormented by nightmares of bullies.

His mind is traumatized so much he wonders

If or when 

he can ever recover enough 

to go back out in the light 

to face the troublesome world again.

Hugs and kind words seem so far away now

replaced by so many violent memories

from this life and so many others

He wonders just what he's become

holding on the someone still inside

that little sliver of humanity

Not quite a soul

Something like soul

A kitten in the jungle.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 110

 You ever wish you could go back in time to stop yourself from doing something or maybe meeting someone? Yeah. Thats where I'm at. 

I was thinking of incorporating something interesting in one of my stories featuring DragonManx. DragonManx the character I play in my webseries has something in common with me. We both have a strong sense of smell. Usually good hearing too. In that way we are both like animals who possess senses sharper than most. I have always had good hearing even though I think I may have damaged my hearing over the years as a result of the fallout between me and certain neighbors. Anyhow in my story I was gonna address an issue Dragonmanx would have being able to smell when someone is transgendered. After all men and women smell different and everyone has a unique scent. One of my co-workers who is trans got into a conversation with me about how her wife had issues with her smelling different after she became trans. I say all this to say I realize over the last few months I've been going through some kind of withdrawal. When I was intimate with a certain person from my job there was not just an exchange of energy but there was something pheromonal that happened. Obviously not with him but with me it was like being torn apart being away from him. It wasn't because he was special. He wasn't superhot. He and I didn't even really have a logical reason being intimate it was just that on a chemical level that wild animal inside of me could smell he was prime mating material and when this chemical thing happens well that can make a person irresistible to someone else because of that powerful mojo. I have said this before that I suspect why some folks get all psycho when they break up with someone else. People really don't know he power they have over others. Then again some most certainly do KNOW. Perhaps they even weaponize it. Use it to get what they want. Its quite sad that we both don't feel the same strong connection. I guess we'd find a way to be together no matter what. Perhaps this is the secret behind long term relationships which seem to be a rare thing of the past these days. Why? Probably environmental issues. Chemicals or things we put in our bodies. Stuff we are exposed to I guess. I write this because I suspect oneday someone might actually find themselves in a bind and searching for a solution on how to beat this thing because it makes no sense being crazy about someone who doesn't feel the same way. Its dangerous too because it can make you sick. The withdrawal. Nevermind the fact they don't feel the same way because there is nothing you can do to change that. NOTHING. Just find something that you love. Maybe more than one thing. Find this and hold on to it. Chase it with all your might and even obsess over it. In time your mind and body will gradually bring itself back to the old you again. And no I'm not saying go out and find someone else. I mean I didn't. But that was largely because it put the fear of God in me knowing someone could have that much power over me. Honestly as alluring as that sometimes felt I don't know if I can afford to go back there again. It is one of the most painful things I have ever felt having to walk away from something I wanted so bad. But these situations actually can help you out because if the other person doesn't feel anything they are helping you by staying away. It does build up your resolve over time. So if they really did want to hurt you or maybe even manipulate your vulnerable state the thing to do would be the opposite of NOT calling you. Irony I know. Just...don't pick up the phone if they call and under no circumstances do you call them because well that makes you look like a punk. Chase your dreams and make them reality. Take the plunge. Be a risk taker. Be a dog (or cat) dad if you must yet you must fight the power and break the spell. Remember that there was something you loved before "they" came along and now is the time to give your energy to something that can actually change your way of life for the better. Talk about it. Maybe even get support from a group or a doctor but don't look back. After all you know where that path leads to right?