Confessions of a sad superhero book 26

 THE END OF AN ERA....

One door closes and another opens as they say. Last night as the fires burned here in Cali and the President was probably going into treatment for -you know what- one of my bosses came out to try and squash the situation I was having with that co-worker. While we were able to come to some resolution without involving the higher ups and I even reached out to shake his hand, things are still weird between us. But I will get to that later. As it is we don't have to rotate every hour anymore (my suggestion) and I had no idea we can shut off our walkies while in the restroom. Now I do. We take our breaks at some different times now too. Dude knows I take my last break at a quarter till our last hour but for some reason now he wants to take his lunch break at the last half hour. (Like I said before he does copy things that I do or say and I don't really know what to make of that. I have noticed other people do this too and it just makes me think about how other cultures sometimes dislike black people but don't have a problem taking things we create and incorporating them into their lives....) I don't know if it just slipped his mind that I take my break at that time slot or if it was some kind of "reaction" but the whole night we really didn't have much to say to each other even though I did kinda try to conversate. Things are different between us now even though he tried to downplay things and make it look like I am the one with all the issues. It does in fact take two people to argue and its really impossible to argue with someone who is never wrong or willing to lie to win. All the things going wrong in your life and the one person who has consistently gone out of his way to be your friend is the one you so casually throw under the train on a moments whim. Yet I am the crazy person who is always making a big deal out of everything. Are you an evil genius or are you really that clueless about driving good people away from you? I really don't think dude cared whether or not we involved a higher up but I'm not trying to lose my job. I'd rather save up my money and quit graciously thank you. He makes me think of that woman who stole the baby in that bible story and she didn't care when the king was gonna cut the baby in half so that her and the true mother of the child would have a half. Lets be clear....I do not hate the guy. I still think he is mad hot and has all the potential in the world if he would just seize the moment and go for it with his talents but I don't think he will and that is really the main thing that bothers me about him. Still coming from the meeting last night he explicitly put it out there that "I don't know you and we are not friends" I can see I was letting myself think we could have been friends. I tried. (Wasn't trying to have a sexual dream about him!) But if what he said is true then that means he was only acting all this time. I know alot of folks like to keep you at an arms length because of BS thats happened to them in the past but some people do it because they lack real people skills or the ability to be in any true intimate relationships. None of these things are my business as I guess we are only two people who happen to work together. I know I am far from perfect yet nothing I ever did or said to dude warranted his treatment of me. He's got some real issues and I hope he at least continues his therapy otherwise he might live the life of an angry lonely man. I'm actually feeling drained just thinking about last night and some things that were said. Dude seems to honestly believe I am some kind of cold calculating person whose every little action is a move against him and even when I denied this he just looked at me with such hate and disbelief. Maybe someone else behind the scenes is whispering stuff in his ear to make him think such nonsense about someone he should know better than that. The reality is folks will think what they want about you even if its not true. One minute they can be talking to you like you're lifelong buddies and then the next you're cut loose wondering if in the back of their mind if the person feels any remorse for how they behaved towards you. Folks don't always apologize and even when they do sometimes its not genuine. Some folks just live in a world in their head that you cannot reach.  They are so busy trying to hurt you they lose track of what the real issues are. So in effect you are a target. When the target decides not to keep taking it sometimes the other person might retaliate anyway they can because they lost that convenience. Me I am gonna just wash my hands of it. Leave it in the Lords hands like Grandma used to say. It is true sometimes you  have to let people go out of your life. Thats just how it be. I don't have any ill will towards anyone but from now on I'm gonna stick to myself at work and focus on my goals. Keep my eyes on the prize, save up my money and work on my projects. Play my videogames. Read my comics. Learn to REALLY draw and concentrate on surviving the next six months until that day comes when I can give my notice because I really would love to move out of Cali next year. Maybe not permanently but I could certainly use a break from this state. I do have some vacation time coming up soon and even more around Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas too so a few trips home to see family might be just what my nerves need right now.

I decided that next week I'm gonna start putting some of my stuff in storage so I can get this clutter out of my apartment. Right now there is simply too much stuff in here. I figure I'll box up all my old school game systems since I don't have the time or space to play them right now. I'll just keep my three current systems I play often. The Xbox1, My PS4 and my Nintendo Switch. I may keep the Vita arond since its such a versatile handheld. I mean....its something I can listen to music on or watch movies on while on the bus if I don't feel like playing games. I notice most other folks don't use anything bigger than a phone on public transportation and I have heard stories of things getting snatched so.... Apparently smaller objects don't attract alot of attention. Its interesting people still bother to steal electronic devices these days since everything has locks or tracking tech on it. Anyway I might ask Sir Nathan of Delphia to help me clean up this place. Really mostly moving some things out. I think this'll improve my mental state immensely. Sir Nathan is a cute actor who has worked with me on some projects. We used to hang out alot but I kinda got mad at him (and my sister) because I gave them Xbox consoles they just refused to use for whatever reason. Then "The Rona" happened. I haven't seen Sir Nathan since geez....maybe in Feb that last time we filmed something together. I spoke to him about doing a Black Panther fan film as a tribute since Chadwick passed in Late August. Surprisingly the Black Panther costumes are not expensive or hard to come by on Amazon but then again Halloween is coming up and there might be alot of folks wanting to be Black Panther then so perhaps this week I'll go ahead and order one. I already ordered an orange prison type suit because I wanna do something with it although its not quite clear in my head yet. Theres this cute bodybuilder actor guy I wanna give an opportunity to so I'm thinking maybe I can feature him in the fan film as an escaped prisoner or something. Guess I need to start writing down ideas. (Thank God for Grammarly although spellcheck sometimes gets on my nerves) The first issue of Gerbilla is coming along. I just got two more pages but need to send the artist some notes for changes. I figure the first issue will contain two short stories. I'd like to start on Captain Liberia but I've no real script yet to give my kickstarter buddy. (His crowdfunded book should be out soon with Captain Liberia on the cover!) Gotta get back to work on some other written works and filming for Sasquatch as well. As it stands it looks like the cameras will start rolling sometime in November or December at the latest. Just need to set aside the cash and tweak the script some. Also its getting close to the time I need to start reaching out to cast/crew.... No time for rest. No time for tears. No time for the unbelievers. If it don't make dollars it don't make sense. Keep my eyes on the prize and keep the negative energy folks that suck the positive energy the fuck away from me.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 25

My unbiased account of what had happened....

So more drama happened. I talked before about Monday. I'd gone up to the kitchen to ask Nick to call out when he took his break because I didn't know he was on break and when he doesn't call it out then I have to guess when to enter it into the log. Which is something that could cause problems if something went down and people look at the log and they will wonder where you are at a certain time if its not in the log. Nick wasn't hearing anything I said at all. He went off on me and we got into a yelling match that left me feeling drained and confused. Like had I done something wrong? At one point during the argument he even went so far as to accuse me of trying to be the ideal co-worker or perfect employee. (I really hope he doesn't deny this stuff tonight when we have a sit down with one of our bosses because he has a tendency to "forget" certain things and he loves to bring up past stuff to throw me off or just deflect) (Does he like to argue (?) because he seems energized afterwards) He says I don't call out when I take my breaks. He also feels I should know what time he takes his breaks even though he couldn't tell me what time I take mine. Honestly when I went home Tuesday morning I was not in a good place and felt the anxiety stirring again. This is something I have had under control for months until Nick took me there. I ended up taking two days to clear my head and was able to ward off a migraine.

I initially felt months back when we got into it over who gets the front desk I should just let him take the desk and I would start with the patrols but this was never discussed and recently I even got into some drama with other guards because I arrive early and don't relieve them early since Nick takes the desk first. So last night after many months I took the desk and the first thing Nick does (of course after making sure no one was around) is go "So you're establishing your dominance" And of course it triggered a reaction even though I already knew what to say. I told Nick that going forward we should not speak to each other unless its work related. He then went on about how we already had a routine and I just told him to go on patrol and do his job. Dude knew he was wrong thats why he started raising his voice to try and intimidate me yelling I always do my job. ALWAYS. And I am not gonna put up with this from you tonight! (He really got loud when another officer walked over and kinda escalated things by laughing instead of asking what was wrong which would have been the right thing to do) Now I don't know whats going on with Nick. I don't know if its lack of rest, money problems or working two jobs but he has become very difficult to work with and I was so upset and sent back into full anxiety mode my boss let me go home because he could hear how upset I was on the phone. My heart is still beating fast and even after taking some sleeping pills I was only able to sleep momentarily. I have been in a strange place myself the past few months. Apprehensive at times. Not really cleaning my place and dealing with so much other stuff. Working on projects and doing things like listening to music, watching movies or videogames help keep me centered but the job itself is stressful. Homeless people outside. Prostitutes outside. Drugged out folks on the property. People fighting. dangerous mentally ill people on the streets you gotta avoid. Insane folks on the buses. Sleeping on the buses and sometimes you can't get a seat because its so much and some are not even wearing masks during this pandemic. Then you gotta go to work and deal with co-workers or staff who treat you a certain kind of way or think they can just push you around and something has got to give. My back hurts. My feet hurt sometimes and I'm running back and forth to the dentist to get work done. I talk to a shrink every Tuesday. I have been doing a pretty decent job of staying centered but I can't be someones emotional dumping ground. I feel that I have been thrust into a situation where I must either quit this job or fight back because I have faced tough times during my 12 years at the LGBT center and there were times I did not think I would last. Sometimes I come to work worrying something crazy is gonna happen to make me lose the job but i have stuck thru it. I am not perfect and will never be "the ideal employee" I am just a man who comes to work everyday so I can pay my bills, struggling to believe in my community even as it often seems on the verge of tearing itself apart. I have tried to be encouraging to Nick. Not just because I like(d) him. I think he has potential and he's wasting it yet its his life and I try also not to judge because not everybody arrives at the train at the same time. I haven't quite arrived yet myself. The thing is I don't ask for much but I do think if I am respecting you and giving you consideration not just as a friend but as a co-worker its not so far fetched that I expect respect and consideration in return. I just can't let people walk all over me and I cannot be in a hostile environment everyday no matter how much I might like my job and all the good the center has done for me over the years. I am open to working things out but I realize things will probably never go back to us being cool again because mostly I am tired of having my trust abused by people I tried to see the greater good in.