Confessions of a sad superhero book 18

Little Mexican Firefly

I've known you for a long time

short fiery tempered 

yet gently cool

and you often made me feel at home 

accepted me

this country ass light skinned black man

who often behaves more like a kid.

Your daughter is equally cool.

The vampire fanatic that she is

and I used to always bug her about those crazy fifty shades movies she liked.

Always hated that you and "The Ninja" didn't get along

and that your boss seems to have it in for me

But you saw me at so many stages of life

ups and downs

always listened to me

then I hear last week you'd passed on from this plane.

You won't be just another face to fade from memory

Despite everything and a slight language barrier 

you were my friend.

Candi.

(After I wrote this touching tribute I come to find out it was your husband who died and not you. I guess this is what happens when you are not bilingual) 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 17

The Air

Something about your air
how you look at me
or try not to look at me.
You never speak to me
unless I speak first
and even then I can see
its begrudgingly.
Did I do something to you
or has a little bird been whispering in your ear?

Strange Co-workers

One day their nice
then the next day
ignoring you
sometimes treating you like
you have some terrible disease
and they can't stand to be near you.
They would never be friends with you
away from these walls
and God knows how you've tried
but most of these people who work here at night
have social issues
and that's exactly why they work here at night
and why some of them will never leave this place
or the night shift.

Then this guy
stays at the desk
and I have to ask him
if he's ready to switch
but when its me at the desk
he will come over
place his stuff on the desk
and kinda hover over me
(passive aggression)
until I get up and leave.
Usually he won't put out the sign in sheets
and he basically copies EVERYTHING I do
I bring my laptop
He brings his.
I play music
He plays music
(But his is LOUDER!)
I watch movies
He decides to do the same thing.
I go upstairs to chill in an office area
He does it too.
I know we are all influenced by each other but it just kinda freaks me out sometimes.
Its just reminds me of how other cultures don't like black folks but....
some of them have no problem taking our ideas and things....
Every once in awhile he will clean the desk
but mostly he won't
and I receive the gift of nose hairs and little booties on the desk
(yet I'm the one who is crazy right?)
Another co-worker I flat out avoid
because she is a trigger
an angry verbal showdown with her
it caused me anxiety attacks that lasted for days.
Another person is cool sometimes
then he will just flip
perhaps he's bipolar
because I don't know what to expect
and yeah other people noticed this but overlook it
so it ain't just me.
Its crazy that I gotta worry about
the crazy people out there
and strange co-workers (people from other depts) in here
I just wanna write this shit down
so I can go back later and look at it to remind myself
I wasn't imagining all these things.

Human beings be trippin.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 16

I didn't go to work tonight because I needed a day. I had a migraine for like a few days and then earlier when I took the last migraine pill I had from Kaiser I got that weird sensation in my arms and legs again. It really felt like someone was squeezing my arms and legs so I just got up and started moving around. That helped. Eventually I went to sleep but it helped to know I didn't have to worry about getting up to go to work. The migraine sorta came back though later then gradually it just faded. I did end up having a dream about some lady getting basically beat up until some ghosts helped her by tripping the attackers. Its something because in the dream I was able to make the ghosts trip the bad guys. Then the lady took a long running start that led into her doing this crazy ass flying kick into the bad guy who'd almost knocked her out with this devastating punch earlier.

I have really been thinking alot about the diets that the kids at the lgbt center have. I have eaten some of the food and what I've noticed is they get alot of meat in their diets. They need better food. Maybe thats why many of them act so crazy. I wonder if theres anything I can do about that?

I rode the bus yesterday and it was so damn crowded. Mostly because of the homeless people sleeping in the seats. I don't believe any were wearing masks. I recall a guy sneezing or coughing the other day and somebody told him "Cover your fucking mouth man! What the fuck is wrong with you?!?" I plan to go back to taking the train again pretty soon. Tired of this shit. Its bad enough I have to walk a block from the bus stop across from my job because alot of the time TS prostitutes like to hang out there. People drive by cruiseing you and then theres homeless folks or crazies who like to occupy or just sleep on the bench. I can't even recall the last time I sat at that bench. I'm sure its filthy and I don't wanna bring any "guests" home with me. There was this handsome brother sitting next to me this morning. He's a security guard. Don't think I've seen him before. He was agitated about something and saying something hostile, but because I had headphones on I couldn't quite make it out. I tried my hardest not to look in his direction. Young, dark, hot and full of testosterone. Then this really pretty sister came to sit after he offered her his seat. She's in her late 40's. Light skinned. Seemed kinda worried about her purse the last time I sat next to her. I just took out my Nook tablet and tried to ignore her behavior. So I didn't so much as make eye contact with her this time. I did notice she was using hand sanitizer on her hands when she sat down. It seems recently they have discovered this stuff may be actually doing more harm than good. Maybe folks didn't get the memo. I guess some would rather not take any chances. Can't say I blame them. I remember some folks would spray stuff on the bus or spread paper before they sat down. Much of the time people do NOT want to sit next to you. Ironically it is probably good to get exposed to the virus so you can build up an immunity. Well for many anyway. Not everyone obviously. Some people go too far I think with trying to be super clean. Its pretty much impossible unless you literally wash your hands immediately after you touch ANYTHING. The only other option is to wear a full body suit. I am pretty damn sure I had some strain of the shit and it simply passed. I really want to fly out of town to see Captain Liberia for my birthday but I am worried about being around others because there is still so much we don't know about this and now they are saying the virus can possibly flare up again later even after you've recovered. I wonder if they will have a vaccine by next year or is 2020 gonna be just like this. Another year of cancelled or pushed back release dates on movies,tv shows and videogames. Shortages on foods and supplies. Folks out of work because businesses are shut down and folks mad because they can't really go anywhere and we all gotta wear these damn masks that make it hard to breathe sometimes. I wanna switch jobs and move not to mention get back to filming but everything is on hold until? I wish I knew when.

I took myself off Grindr awhile back. Had a run in with someone who knew me but I had no idea who they were. I responded to their profile that seemed nice but instead of saying hello the response was "Hello Sergio. Have a nice day Sir!" It was a weird exchange. I don't want to get to the point where I'm thinking all gay men are nuts and somethings wrong with how pheremones are working and thats part of why we are so strange with each other so I decided its time to take a long break from even attempting to date. Honestly sometimes I feel a slight curiousity toward women and I wonder if its got anything to do with the fact most men seem to reject me and my body has gone thru some sort of biological change to help me find companionship. Or it could be I'm evolving beyond just being gay. In nature animals do change to suit situations. I have been focusing alot on using my left hand as much as possible for activities and I can tell its certainly helped me. Especially in the reflexes department. Reaction time too. I don't really talk to people about this stuff but I think its good to write it down because it might help someone one day. I know that tapping into other parts of your brain most don't normally use can help make you better in some ways. Could even cure mental illness and boost your physical abilities based on your faith or state of mind. The down side is that you could tap into some things which could be destructive if you don't learn to control it or if no one shows you how. Some examples are awareness of spiritual beings and empathy. Sometimes I think this is pheremonal but people can feel what you're feeling and they can be drawn to you. There is also tremendous truth to you become what you think so you have to be careful what you're feeling about yourself when others are around because they can pick up on it and react. Basically what I'm saying is that if you feel like you are a piece of shit people are gonna treat you that way. I have heard of some people with psychic abilities having to move to more secluded places too because in a city type environment you are bombarded with vibrations from folks. And alot of folks are fucked up. (Could explain why I am usually more active and creative at night. Less "psychic noise") There are books about shielding yourself and visualization exercises involving color. Hell even wearing certain colors can affect how people react to you. Human beings are really strange creatures. I'm gonna go on record as saying most of the time I'm not even sure how human I am because of all the bizarre things I experience.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 15

THE HATED HERO SYNDROME

Had another one of those weird incidents at work last night.
Its often weird working here.
At times it feels wondrous and magical working here.
There are so many lost souls and dark personalities here.
Sometimes I think that is what attracts some of the crazies who come around
or try to hang out.
I approached a group and asked them to turn the music down they were blasting.
I was basically ignored.
I was made to feel helpless.
I was only looking out for the clients who were sleeping nearby.
I was heckled until a YOUTH ADVOCATE came outside to investigate.
I was reminded last night how much these kids tend to hate us security guard who work here to protect them and for the most part they DO NOT RESPECT US and I don't think its supposed to be this way.
Sometimes I think everybody hates us because they call us "snitches" or "rent a cops" when all we're trying to do is do our jobs so we can go home like everyone else and pay our bills.
I really don't understand this widespread misconception about us.

RANT OVER.

***************

I dreamt I was flying the other night.
It was the first dream I'd had in a while.
Was falling upwards
pulled by some force
and I heard a voice say
"Don't look down"
Then I heard it say
"Awake"
and my midsection glowed.
After that I was flying around like Superman.
Was flying down a hallway and Sgt James was there awestruck.

I dreamt today me and my brother "Joshuazilla" and a small boy were sitting
getting spun around in this strange carousel-like machine
as photos of us were snapped.
It felt REAL.
So I'm dreaming again.

Last night I asked Sgt James if he could remember any of his dreams and he said "No"
Is that normal?
Shouldn't artists dream?

Confessions of a sad superhero book 14

(Written while listening to and watching an awesome Sade concert)

MADNESS

Madness is
the man at the bus stop
talking to himself
yelling out to everybody
how nasty gay people are
and then he gets on the same damn bus as you.

Madness is
the little girl outside your apt building
throwing paper all over the ground
and when you say something to her about it
twenty years later you're still being punished by her family
because you dared to say something about being disrespectful to where we live
and so many more are like that family
they care nothing about their home
this earth we call home.
I saw a man throw trash on the ground the other day
like it was the thing to do
and I'm the one they call crazy.

Madness is
caring so much
maybe too much
feeling so much
thinking so much about those
whom to them I am but an afterthought
a strange weird thing
but the only bizarre thing I ever did was speak the truth about how I feel
(Apparently this isn't acceptable to the masses)

Madness is
being rejected by those
those who in another life
coulda been my soulmate
and I'm not even sure I believe in such things anymore

Madness is
knowing so many things
knowing about folks
knowing what their gonna do before they even say or do it
hearing everything
feeling the spirits move around you all the time
feeling invisible eyes on you
invisible fingers picking at the computer files that are parts of my brains
feeling like you are in an epic movie
and knowing ultimately you are
a supporting character
even when you feel the limelight on you at times

Madness is wanting to run
yet not knowing exactly where you want to run to
to kickstart that exciting music at the end when you make your big comeback against
the bad guy.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 13

I was here at work just now and I watched an interaction between a trans prostitute and a customer. So I'm on the rooftop looking out at the city when a nice convertible drives up. A trans prostitute is walking by. The driver starts blasting music and the prostitute walks over. They talk. I hear her giggle then the next thing I know she's opening the car door and getting inside. I thought to myself out loud...."Now I can't even get a date. Is that what I need to do? Put on a wig and a mini skirt?" Sometimes the world seems so strange, wicked and twisted. I dunno. It just feels strange to be a good person with a good heart and morals....I'm not exactly ugly but I just don't seem to be what people want. But a trans prostitute who has probably been with hundreds of men and is out there walking the streets at night is able to pull the most gorgeous and successful of the species. This all just seems ironic to me. I think irony might just be my favorite word.