A change is gonna come.
We are months away from beginning filming for my Sasquatch film. Short film. Originally the plan was for June but this is proving to be a pretty ambitious production and the budget has ballooned. For me to safely save money I have to be realistic about...well about being patient. I mean I can pinch pennies for sure but no point in putting unnecessary stress on myself. I already have enough stress. But the young man I brought in to handle directing duties he is all about doing the business the right way. We are probably gonna have to go with another DP though. I want to work with Steven but dude is waaaaaaay expensive. He says he understands the way of the low budget yet I'm convinced he really does not. Meanwhile production on my comics has stalled because the editor and coordinator had to take a break as he recently moved. As for Nerds With Badges well that has been kinda kicked to the curb. At least for awhile. Theres alot I wanna do with the concept but one thing for sure is I don't think I will ever go back to having a co-host after what happened with so-and-so. Dude basically accused me of under-cover flirting with him on top of misunderstanding a harmless joke then flipping the script with a homophobic quip. Nevermind he picked the worst day to do that as i was already pissed because the guest cancelled and I'd still made the decision to go ahead and film even thought it cost me A GANG of money for the production. To his credit he reached out to me but honestly I don't know when the day will arrive when the thought of what went down doesn't fill me with rage. Contrary to how other folks may feel you have a right to stay as angry as you wanna be as long as you wanna be. Processing and recovering just takes some of us longer to do. And some people will try to rush you in your feelings but man some pain stings so deep. Too deep.
Things with my ninja friend have gotten interesting. I've made progress in accepting he's emotionally unavailable which means I am careful not to let myself fall too deeply. It was annoying I had problems relaxing enough to let him "inside" but I believe if that had happened it would have affected my ability to be objective. He has told me several times not to get too attached since he might not be around (in Cali) much longer. When you tell me something like that Ima believe you. Still it is nice to have someone to spend time with. We went to Disney California Adventure a few weeks ago on my dime. Planning to go to Universal with him next month because I wanna check out the new Nintendo attractions. This thing is something I have to take one day at a time and not let myself fall you know? Captain Liberia chatted with me the other day and for the most part I've made peace with the fact he was never that into me. Never. But we shared a connection a friendship worth holding onto. He says we are family because of everything we've been through. I guess he's right but this man...I should never go there with him again if you know what I mean. Its weird to hear him talk about wishing he was able to fall in love with a woman and have a family these days though. I haven't said it to him but I do understand that inclination. Gay/bi men have become increasingly difficult and complicated to date. In truth it feels more and more like the impossible dream...
