Poetic like musings and things.

Sitting here with the flu

wondering....

whats up with this world man?

I just don't understand.

I'm out here like so many trying to survive the chaos

 

I'd be lying if I said I was unaffected.

 

Forces working against me

and behind the scenes someone has me in their prayers.

 

I'd be lying to say I don't know that.

 

I think I'm surrounded by ghosts

some of them are ghosts of the past

things one is aware of

things one can't let go of.

 

My mind always wanders back to how it used to be

my soul misses it

how it used to be.

 

At least we have a black president now

something I really never thought I would see.

Did he REALLY win or did "they" give him to us

to create some illusion of change?

I honestly doubt if any other prez has recieved so many death threats

it'll probably be the same when we finally get a woman prez.

 

I would be lying if I said....

there are no people out here

who will go kicking and screaming

before they let change occur.

 

Mentally ill fanatics or demonically possessed

telepathically compelled

or pushed by some medically technologically induced haze

makes their brain only see what they wanna see

and they will never be happy

so they don't want anyone else to be happy either.

It just blows my mind

so many angry jaded and cynicals

walking around.

 

I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss

what it was like before

it became fashionable to hate everything.

 

You walk to the store

you risk your life.

You take the train or bus

or plane

you risk your life.

Same when you get in your car

because we got PLENTY

of knuckleheaded drivers out here.

And I don't like cars.

Don't ask me why.

Maybe one day that will change?

Don't get me wrong

I'm happy much of the time

then there are these moments

I have to slow down and look at whats going on in this world around me.

Gotta dare to acknowledge something is wrong here

without getting caught up in despair.

Thankfully I've managed to be successful.

Even as time passes

even as I ask myself constantly

did mistakes of the past ruin my life?

Will I ever truly know the love of another

and will someone come along

who won't throw me out with the trash?

Not really a complicated guy

Am I(?)

Just driven

ambitious

misunderstood

definitely eccentric.

 

Would be lying if I said sometimes I wonder

am I too much of a case study

for anyone who isn't supernaturally intelligent.

Because not everybody can put up with your mess.

Messes.

The guy I'm seeing now he puts up with me

I put up with him

although sometimes I swear he's from another planet.

He tells me people always think folks live in mud huts

in Africa and wear wear bones in their noses.

But man I swear sometimes he....!

Never mind.

At least he makes me laugh.

The body of his is getting better because he frequents the gym

and the sex is usually the bomb

until he uses a damn condom.

Damn I hate condoms.

 

I hate that its been almost a year since I last spoke to my brother.

I think he's given up on me.

Its so fucked up he likely never recieved those letters I wrote him while he was in basic training.

I wish I could go back in time and fix our relationship.

Dude barely knows me.

He never says it but I think the gay thing is

a bit much for his advanced mind to fully grasp.

His mind functions on a mathmatically genius level

He got that from his father my stepdad.

 

I'd be lying if I said I never at times feel overwhelmed by

all the things I need to fix in my life.

The videogames and filmmaking helps

yet I gotta change the diet

gotta start a workout routine of some sort.

Working nights

not getting enough sleep

stressing out

not getting enough sex or affection

plus eating too many things I really shouldn't be eating.

 

Damn headache seems to be trying to come back.

So glad I'm not sweating profusely like I was earlier.

I was feeling so bad earlier and wanted to call in sick

yet I was afraid my boss wouldn't believe me.

How crazy is that?

I gotta get out of here.

 

I'd be lying if I said

I don't think about this shit

all this shit

every day.

 

Every day.

 

****

 

 

Years from now people will read this and some will likely say

dayum dude was fucked up.

But some might find stregth in my words.

Strength to go on.

And that is why I write.

 

Its not just healing myself or putting negative crap out here to depress folks

Nah. My life isn't depressing. It has highs and lows like everyone elses.

This story of a man who never really fit in anywhere who dared to dream that he was so much more than what many can see with their own eyes.

Gosh its been since 1992 when I first started jotting down my thoughts.

Both my Grandmothers were alive. My little brother wasn't even a fetus yet.

Boy what a story I've tried to bring people along on. Its important to record history you know?

So thats why I write.

 

Somewhere out there theres gonna be some person

who has some similarities to me

and they're probably gonna be wondering how the hell do I get out of some particular situation

so hopefully these written words will make a difference. Because they will see what life was like

for a black gay nerd struggling to build an empire (I was using that word before it became fashionable).

Yea though my mind is often wracked with insecurities

and this semblance of a soul has been tainted life still goes on.

Panic attacks be damned.

Struggling sometimes just to get up and go to the store

because of low self esteem

and lover of the animal kingdom

(Its not my fault I find most animals cute)

Here was a man who still had the ability to appreciate the beauty of another man

in a world where its cool to be indifferent and not show much emotion.

Here is a man who still wathes to news

(even though it sometimes depresses the hell out of me)

Theres a desire here to see whats going on in the rest of the world so sue me.

I have my own inspirations too that I might not mention as often as I should

people like Teena Marie,Michael Jackson,George Michael,El Debarge and the music of this guy I'm listening to on youtube right now "Tall Black Guy" These are some people whose gift of music has helped me to get thru some tough times in my life. Just as their music was the soundtrack during some triumphant moments.

I wanna paint a picture of the way the world was when I was here. I'm getting better at it and will get even better. And thats why I write. Its not just about me. Its a story like so many others. A crazy world full of happenings dramatic or adventuresome comedy. Its a story of villains and insane events with one man who is in way over his head trying to survive enough to leave some sort of legacy behind. Thats why Sergio writeth. Its not likely but maybe oneday people will actually understand me too. That will be a bonus.

 

 

****

 

 

Good for nothing n*gga.

 

The car doors lock sometimes when they see me coming.

It happens so much

I think I’ve gotten used to it.

Same old shit that’s been going on for years.

The cops go out of their way to approach me for jay walking

Even when I’m across the street

From the job

in uniform and I explain myself

That I’m running late

No cars coming

Yet two approach me like I’m Americas most wanted.

Maybe I am.

Even I can’t find the words to express how it feels

Being made to feel I’m this thing to be hated.

Sometimes I feel like a good for nothing n*gga.

The color of my skin makes some feel uncomfortable

How I speak makes some feel uncomfortable

Because I don’t think like you makes me someone to be avoided

Shunned

An oddity.

How I am is an affront to all you believe in.

So much to the point that you would try so hard to destroy me.

Forget about all the “whys?”

Most of the time it just is.

Surrounded by a mentally ill world

Surrounded by religious fanatics

Surrounded by illogical thinkers

Not so sure anyone even thinks anymore

So much death and killing makes me wanna just go and hide somewhere

On some other planet.

If only I could.

Invisible

Not the ideal body type.

A minority within a minority.

I am a freak who never really fit in anywhere.

My own people rarely acknowledge me in the street

What is the reason?

I don’t know

Constantly wracking my brain over this shit

Is it

Because of fear of an intelligent black man

Hey this ain’t

just exclusive to other races.

Perhaps it never was.

So much of the time it feels like

I might be cursed to be hated

By the very thing I would love the most.

Do you know how this feels?

Feeling like a good for nothing

Do you?

Living here in this world of drive bys

Out of control religious fanatics that wanna blow my ass up

Out of control drivers

Said they meant to step on the brake

Is some BS

Do you know how it feels to distrust your lover?

To have this gut feeling he might have someone on the side

Yet you don’t have the proof?

Do you know how it feels to worry your employment might end at any moment?

Do you know how it feels when they follow you around in the store?

When they ask the clerk via intercom

“Is everything alright?”

When you merely engaged them in conversation?

The shit keeps happening

Same old shit

That’s been going on for years.

Why do they do this?

Of course I’m assuming

that there is a reason.

I really really think I could stop feeling like

A good for nothing

If I could get away from

all the people who

keep treating me like

like I am

a good for nothing.

 

****

 

Call me crazy for wondering why they wouldn't allow me to film here

in this big old alleyway no one is using for anything.

Sometimes people say no just for the hell of it.

I really wish I could get more support from the gay and lesbian community.

Years ago went to a black gay group and watched another filmmaker get rolls of dollars in donations.

But out of 510 facebook friends I can't even get $5.00 from each of them?

How do you think that feels? I really thinks its crazy that most black folks don't seem too into sci-fi or fantasy stuff and most of our films are dramas or comedies or musicals. What the hell is up with that? It might be that most of my support is gonna come from white folks because with them sci-fi is more of a cultural thing. Think I'm lying? I have rarely met a white person who hasn't seen Star Wars. Seriously. I am a minority within a minority within another minority. Thats just the way it is. But oneday maybe I can be the black George Lucas or Spielberg or....Whedon....or Nolan....or JJ. Because it doesn't really look like anyone else is interested in the position and maybe thats why I recieve so much opposition. From both white and black. Straight and gay. And no its not "just in my mind" either. People fight change. As proven by history. I've got my work cut out for me. 

Here at work on my new post recovered from another bout with a migraine. But all is well. Was able to do some filming this past weekend so the creative juices are still flowing thank the gods. Right now I'm watching some documentaries on prisoners (via netflix) because I want to make sure the SinsofLegend chracters are portrayed to be as realistic as possible. Its all very interesting I think. Super powers and criminals. Many criminals are hot as hell so it only aids in my fascination with them. Throw in the security guard element of SinsofLegend and you have a project feled with alot of passion. In all honesty I suspect SinsofLegend and Daughters of Legend will become quite popular with the cool storylines and characters. 2015 is already starting off with much promise.

As for the love life I can't really say I have one. I mean....me and the crazy african are still living together but he's not that much into me these days. He says its because of things he's dealing with and he is dealing with ALOT yet I'm leaning heavily towards seeing other people. We've talked about it. Some guys are showing interest in me so....what do you do in a situation where the guy you're seeing has lost interest and holds back on affection. No I don't consider it cheating. I told him I was thinking about seeing other people. Mostly I don't think he believes thats gonna happen for whatever reason but romantically I'm slipping away from him. Still a friendship can be salvaged from all this. He's one of the few guys I've dated who will most certainly remain friends with me for life.

As I said earlier I have a new job position now. Its still with the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian center just a new location. My off days have changed too. I just needed a change. Its sometimes spooky working in these old buildings at night yet its quiet and I can think more clearly because I don't have a bunch of people around me. This is something I have missed from when I first got started in security years ago doing the night shift. Gonna have to figure out a way to sleep better during the day. Gotta buy better curtains to keep out the sunlight.

A couple of friends are here from Canada. We met up last night for dinner and will probably do something today. The weather is gonna be nice. Around 75ish I think. Maybe we'll catch the train into Long Beach or drive out to Universal. They rented a car. Actually one guy is familiar to me. Dre. I call him the cute vampire mutie because of his Xboxlive moniker. He came down with a buddy. Originally Dre told me to not say anything to "out" him to his straight buddy but I almost slipped while we were having dinner. Dre later told me he'd decided to come out to his buddy earlier in their trip. Dre and I met like a year ago off Adam for Adam and have kept in touch since. He's a cute dark skinned brotha. We've skyped alot and played games together too. He joined the next gen by getting a PS4. Me I ended up getting myself an Xbox one (via a sorta holiday gift from a buddy) because I love the kinect features and wanna start uploading game play footage online again. Microsoft makes it pretty easy to do plus the skype features are cool. Gotta cut this short because I need to go open the parking gate here so thats it for my first blog of 2015....