Sitting here with the flu
wondering....
whats up with this world man?
I just don't understand.
I'm out here like so many trying to survive the chaos
I'd be lying if I said I was unaffected.
Forces working against me
and behind the scenes someone has me in their prayers.
I'd be lying to say I don't know that.
I think I'm surrounded by ghosts
some of them are ghosts of the past
things one is aware of
things one can't let go of.
My mind always wanders back to how it used to be
my soul misses it
how it used to be.
At least we have a black president now
something I really never thought I would see.
Did he REALLY win or did "they" give him to us
to create some illusion of change?
I honestly doubt if any other prez has recieved so many death threats
it'll probably be the same when we finally get a woman prez.
I would be lying if I said....
there are no people out here
who will go kicking and screaming
before they let change occur.
Mentally ill fanatics or demonically possessed
telepathically compelled
or pushed by some medically technologically induced haze
makes their brain only see what they wanna see
and they will never be happy
so they don't want anyone else to be happy either.
It just blows my mind
so many angry jaded and cynicals
walking around.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss
what it was like before
it became fashionable to hate everything.
You walk to the store
you risk your life.
You take the train or bus
or plane
you risk your life.
Same when you get in your car
because we got PLENTY
of knuckleheaded drivers out here.
And I don't like cars.
Don't ask me why.
Maybe one day that will change?
Don't get me wrong
I'm happy much of the time
then there are these moments
I have to slow down and look at whats going on in this world around me.
Gotta dare to acknowledge something is wrong here
without getting caught up in despair.
Thankfully I've managed to be successful.
Even as time passes
even as I ask myself constantly
did mistakes of the past ruin my life?
Will I ever truly know the love of another
and will someone come along
who won't throw me out with the trash?
Not really a complicated guy
Am I(?)
Just driven
ambitious
misunderstood
definitely eccentric.
Would be lying if I said sometimes I wonder
am I too much of a case study
for anyone who isn't supernaturally intelligent.
Because not everybody can put up with your mess.
Messes.
The guy I'm seeing now he puts up with me
I put up with him
although sometimes I swear he's from another planet.
He tells me people always think folks live in mud huts
in Africa and wear wear bones in their noses.
But man I swear sometimes he....!
Never mind.
At least he makes me laugh.
The body of his is getting better because he frequents the gym
and the sex is usually the bomb
until he uses a damn condom.
Damn I hate condoms.
I hate that its been almost a year since I last spoke to my brother.
I think he's given up on me.
Its so fucked up he likely never recieved those letters I wrote him while he was in basic training.
I wish I could go back in time and fix our relationship.
Dude barely knows me.
He never says it but I think the gay thing is
a bit much for his advanced mind to fully grasp.
His mind functions on a mathmatically genius level
He got that from his father my stepdad.
I'd be lying if I said I never at times feel overwhelmed by
all the things I need to fix in my life.
The videogames and filmmaking helps
yet I gotta change the diet
gotta start a workout routine of some sort.
Working nights
not getting enough sleep
stressing out
not getting enough sex or affection
plus eating too many things I really shouldn't be eating.
Damn headache seems to be trying to come back.
So glad I'm not sweating profusely like I was earlier.
I was feeling so bad earlier and wanted to call in sick
yet I was afraid my boss wouldn't believe me.
How crazy is that?
I gotta get out of here.
I'd be lying if I said
I don't think about this shit
all this shit
every day.
Every day.
****
Years from now people will read this and some will likely say
dayum dude was fucked up.
But some might find stregth in my words.
Strength to go on.
And that is why I write.
Its not just healing myself or putting negative crap out here to depress folks
Nah. My life isn't depressing. It has highs and lows like everyone elses.
This story of a man who never really fit in anywhere who dared to dream that he was so much more than what many can see with their own eyes.
Gosh its been since 1992 when I first started jotting down my thoughts.
Both my Grandmothers were alive. My little brother wasn't even a fetus yet.
Boy what a story I've tried to bring people along on. Its important to record history you know?
So thats why I write.
Somewhere out there theres gonna be some person
who has some similarities to me
and they're probably gonna be wondering how the hell do I get out of some particular situation
so hopefully these written words will make a difference. Because they will see what life was like
for a black gay nerd struggling to build an empire (I was using that word before it became fashionable).
Yea though my mind is often wracked with insecurities
and this semblance of a soul has been tainted life still goes on.
Panic attacks be damned.
Struggling sometimes just to get up and go to the store
because of low self esteem
and lover of the animal kingdom
(Its not my fault I find most animals cute)
Here was a man who still had the ability to appreciate the beauty of another man
in a world where its cool to be indifferent and not show much emotion.
Here is a man who still wathes to news
(even though it sometimes depresses the hell out of me)
Theres a desire here to see whats going on in the rest of the world so sue me.
I have my own inspirations too that I might not mention as often as I should
people like Teena Marie,Michael Jackson,George Michael,El Debarge and the music of this guy I'm listening to on youtube right now "Tall Black Guy" These are some people whose gift of music has helped me to get thru some tough times in my life. Just as their music was the soundtrack during some triumphant moments.
I wanna paint a picture of the way the world was when I was here. I'm getting better at it and will get even better. And thats why I write. Its not just about me. Its a story like so many others. A crazy world full of happenings dramatic or adventuresome comedy. Its a story of villains and insane events with one man who is in way over his head trying to survive enough to leave some sort of legacy behind. Thats why Sergio writeth. Its not likely but maybe oneday people will actually understand me too. That will be a bonus.
****
Good for nothing n*gga.
The car doors lock sometimes when they see me coming.
It happens so much
I think I’ve gotten used to it.
Same old shit that’s been going on for years.
The cops go out of their way to approach me for jay walking
Even when I’m across the street
From the job
in uniform and I explain myself
That I’m running late
No cars coming
Yet two approach me like I’m Americas most wanted.
Maybe I am.
Even I can’t find the words to express how it feels
Being made to feel I’m this thing to be hated.
Sometimes I feel like a good for nothing n*gga.
The color of my skin makes some feel uncomfortable
How I speak makes some feel uncomfortable
Because I don’t think like you makes me someone to be avoided
Shunned
An oddity.
How I am is an affront to all you believe in.
So much to the point that you would try so hard to destroy me.
Forget about all the “whys?”
Most of the time it just is.
Surrounded by a mentally ill world
Surrounded by religious fanatics
Surrounded by illogical thinkers
Not so sure anyone even thinks anymore
So much death and killing makes me wanna just go and hide somewhere
On some other planet.
If only I could.
Invisible
Not the ideal body type.
A minority within a minority.
I am a freak who never really fit in anywhere.
My own people rarely acknowledge me in the street
What is the reason?
I don’t know
Constantly wracking my brain over this shit
Is it
Because of fear of an intelligent black man
Hey this ain’t
just exclusive to other races.
Perhaps it never was.
So much of the time it feels like
I might be cursed to be hated
By the very thing I would love the most.
Do you know how this feels?
Feeling like a good for nothing
Do you?
Living here in this world of drive bys
Out of control religious fanatics that wanna blow my ass up
Out of control drivers
Said they meant to step on the brake
Is some BS
Do you know how it feels to distrust your lover?
To have this gut feeling he might have someone on the side
Yet you don’t have the proof?
Do you know how it feels to worry your employment might end at any moment?
Do you know how it feels when they follow you around in the store?
When they ask the clerk via intercom
“Is everything alright?”
When you merely engaged them in conversation?
The shit keeps happening
Same old shit
That’s been going on for years.
Why do they do this?
Of course I’m assuming
that there is a reason.
I really really think I could stop feeling like
A good for nothing
If I could get away from
all the people who
keep treating me like
like I am
a good for nothing.
****
Call me crazy for wondering why they wouldn't allow me to film here
in this big old alleyway no one is using for anything.
Sometimes people say no just for the hell of it.
I really wish I could get more support from the gay and lesbian community.
Years ago went to a black gay group and watched another filmmaker get rolls of dollars in donations.
But out of 510 facebook friends I can't even get $5.00 from each of them?
How do you think that feels? I really thinks its crazy that most black folks don't seem too into sci-fi or fantasy stuff and most of our films are dramas or comedies or musicals. What the hell is up with that? It might be that most of my support is gonna come from white folks because with them sci-fi is more of a cultural thing. Think I'm lying? I have rarely met a white person who hasn't seen Star Wars. Seriously. I am a minority within a minority within another minority. Thats just the way it is. But oneday maybe I can be the black George Lucas or Spielberg or....Whedon....or Nolan....or JJ. Because it doesn't really look like anyone else is interested in the position and maybe thats why I recieve so much opposition. From both white and black. Straight and gay. And no its not "just in my mind" either. People fight change. As proven by history. I've got my work cut out for me.
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