This is a weird exchange on FaceBook between me and someone I used to consider a friend but had to cut off once I found out they were doing something really terrible. So terrible I had to walk away from the friendship. Now I had started watching a movie called Klaus on Netflix and I posted a photo of the movie poster on FB via Instagram saying how much I liked the film. I found the film to be a magical cool retelling of how the legend of Santa started. This person decided to post "Bah Humbug" as a reply to my post share. In my opinion if you see someone posting something about something they like why the hell would you come on their post and say something negative? Its just bizarre and then it turned into a religious debate. I understand now I was right to cut this guy out of my life.  I've said it before and I'll say it again....negative folks will come for one and it is true misery loves company as cliche' as that saying is....  So the moral of the story? I dunno. Maybe its that its time to take a little break from social media. I'll be filming again pretty soon and really could do without any distractions. I wonder what the two women who run the work clinic I attend would think of this exchange below though. Maybe I'll ask them. Oh on a side note the Kaiser work clinic has given me some good info and solutions for dealing with stress anxiety. Relaxation techniques. Breathing exercises. Meditation/visualization. Exercise. It also helps talking to others who relate.

THE DAMN EXCHANGE....


(POSTER HERE OF KLAUS. I POSTED IT BELOW ALL THE WAY AT THE BOTTOM FOR SOME STUPID REASON)

My comment..... Started watching this on Netflix and all I can say is WOW.

HIM
bah humbug!

ME
If you watched this movie and that is your reaction you really do not have a heart. You actually might not even have a soul....

HIM
no I just don't like Satan..I mean Santa Claus is all

ME
Okay I get that but why not use your page or profile to promote that and not try to come on my comment and defecate all over it? The story has absolutely nothing to do with Satan or really even Santa. It's just a touching story of how the legend began. Come on man....keep the negativity to thyself.

HIM
negativity? naw, beliefs? yes
we all have them & it's nothing wrong with having beliefs...I don't believe in clause or clause & u don't believe that Jehovah is the ONE & ONLY true God & to me that's the biggest negativity of them all, but that's your belief & I don't knock it... just saying

ME
(Name bleeped out to protect the not so innocent)  you have issues man. First off you have no idea who or what I believe in because I don't discuss religious beliefs. That's my personal business and if you want to preach and promote what your beliefs are that's fine just keep them off my page and profile thank you. I don't think that is asking too much. And you of all people have alot of nerve calling me negative or did you forget what you said to me the last time we spoke to each other in person? Now please just STOP. Really. Go away. I'm trying to be nice.... 😼

Light In The Tunnel.

I went to the donut shop and stood in line and wasn't filled with a sense of worry because it took awhile. That's how I've been feeling for the longest and the owner of the donut shop used to look at me realizing something was going on in my head.

I have been dreaming. Sometimes a bad dream which is rare but mostly the dreams are just regular stuff. No otherworldly adventures with velociraptors chasing me in my Grandmothers house. Not lately.

Seems people are trying to come out of the closet around me lately. I guess folks are starting to realize alot of the shit we have been taught about religion and our sexuality is BS. Congrats I say to the rest of the world for finally catching on. And no I'm not saying this like I have all the answers because I do NOT.

Its crazy how people will come for you. Out of nowhere it seems. Its like they see you on top of the mountain enjoying the sprizzle of fresh clean cool cleansing water on your face and they wanna defecate all over your dreams. Some obsess over trying to destroy a persons happiness. Sometimes it seems impossible to get away from nasty minded individuals with too much time on their hands. Some of the worst enemies to have are mentally ill folks or supernaturally inclined individuals who have lost their way. Ask me how I know. Actually no don't ask me.

I fantasized about someone from my past. Someone(s) from my past really. Sometimes I am a cop or hero being taken by a criminal. But it usually is like that real experience where I got what I wanted and that person blew my mind completely. It was terrible in some cases yet mostly I just think of the good encounters that happened when it was something I figured would never happen in reality. The gay closeted dude who torments me either directly or from a distance inflicting so much mental damage but he secretly wants me (as twisted as that seems) Then "it" happens and I feel myself becoming sprung all the while wishing I had never got myself in that situation but it just feels so damn good when he's inside me. In reality he knows I like him but nothing will ever happen because we both resist our feelings. In reality "it" happened or mostly almost happened because he was too big to go inside me and in one case dude came just from the excitement of trying to enter me. Ain't that some shit? Here I was with a man straight out of my dreams with a body like WOW and he was the size of a beer can. I kid you not. I'm just glad he was understanding.... In one reality it was so terrible and painful and it happened in one reality on the job and we basically didn't talk afterwards. Sometimes its better to let a fantasy stay a fantasy.

The world seems insane but its not all bad. I think about my friends and the people who do good or people who have helped me along the way. I wasn't really sure what I'd be doing for Thanksgiving but Nice Monster Productions asked me if I was going to "The Stinking Rose" and I said yes because me and "Sir Nathan Of Delphia" were planning to go anyway. Still trying to not think of Brianopolis as an incredibly handsome villain because of what went down with "that film" and sometimes I feel myself wondering just how much I should be trusting anybody when so many are only out for themselves ultimately. It feels like its a struggle walking this path trying to stay positive and searching for other good people to be around. Trying not to fall into that place of thinking folks are a mess. Many are but its like unto being a bird and trying to fly up out of these twisty thorny rose bushes. It would be cool to go stay in Africa for awhile you know because plenty of guys are coming at me from there. No lie. (Excuse me I had to go blow the nose. Damn allergies) Just now on the radio (KROQ) they were talking about how people will even resist when you try to do something good for them and I think back to a co-worker telling me how folks might think you are up to no good if you seem too nice to them. I am nice 95% of the time and as far as wanting anything in return for it what exactly can another person give me for being nice to them that one can't get for oneself? I read the news and see people helping animals. I see folks coming together during disasters. Radio stations do kind things to help families in need and companies do these random acts of kindness drives. People give away clothes,toys or free food during the holidays. I have had bosses at jobs really go out of their way to help me when they knew I was going thru something. People have protected me from bullies. Teachers have provided comfort at times when just the thought of being in school felt like a nightmare. Sometimes it is those thoughts of good will towards me or others that inspires and keeps me from going too dark when the comics,videogames and all these other outlets are not enough. But the fact somebody(S!) sparked me into existence and then somebody else carried me around inside their belly for nine months....well those acts pretty much trump anything else anyone has done for me.

About a week ago I was in Ralphs and about to check out. All my groceries were on the conveyer/counter thing and I was waiting for this other person to finish checking out. I seem to recall they were taking a very long time. But I wasn't tripping at all until this little middle eastern girl who was RIGHT behind me just sort of leaned over and coughed....right on my groceries. I was like "You need to cover your mouth when you cough" The father seemed kinda oblivious but he got where I was coming from. The cashier agreed with me that there are alot of folks running around coughing and sneezing without bothering to cover their mouths and it also seems to be a cultural thing.

Donald Trump is in the news alot these days. I guess the truth is he is always in the news. The democratic party seems intent on impeaching him. I don't think its gonna work. See what happened was there was a phone call where Donald Tramp er Trump asked another politician from Ukraine to give him some dirt on a political rival. So now everyone is all running around trying to decide if Trump broke any rules by doing what he did. From where I stand Donald Trump has done and said alot of things that would have seen Obama driven out of office but I won't go there. From where I stand it appears Trump can say and do whatever he wants whether its right or wrong the Republican party will support or defend him or simply say nothing. Just pretend it never happened. Just to be clear I have republican friends who think Trump is a clown. I just wonder if he is a lesser evil. Its not as if the democratic party has clean hands either. None of these people are perfect but I find it hard to believe any of them really have my best interests in mind. I mean do any of them really care about me or my respective communities or do they just want our votes?  Yeah you might say I have lost faith in politics among other things. Stop trying to manipulate me and just bring about some positive change why don't you?

Started the anxiety program at Kaiser Monday. Until I'm done i will be off work. The program is three weeks. I had to jump thru some hoops to get the time off approved. As stressful as that was at least HR at my job was awesome and really helped me survive the process. The program is structured like a class and you have a bunch of folks mostly stressed out over their jobs. The facilitators give us solutions for stressful situations or difficult people. We learn techniques and exercises to cope. Breathing exercises and stretches....visualization stuff. It helps to know there are other folks dealing with this shit. I mean you go to work and deal with stuff but then stuff builds up and some of us are just built differently and can't process shit like the majority or we simply reach that threshold where we need help to keep us from completely losing it. I guess like Madonna says "Its a set up until you're fed up" I wake up heart racing....headaches come frequently and then there are triggers that send me to places. I rarely leave the house and have drastically stopped cleaning up. Not writing as much. Sometimes I feel numb and things I used to do to help don't help as much and I keep fantisizing about wanting to go back in time to fix all the things I have fucked up in my life. There are times it feels kinda hopeless and that no one will ever love or understand me. My mind goes into dark places and its a struggle to climb out at times. Haven't called home in awhile and that approaching filming date just seems so fucking far away because the script never seems quite right. I look at my body and it feels off. It should be stronger,better and eventually I'll start exercising yet when is that day gonna come? I could get Sir Nathan to help me but theres a worry its gonna get expensive. Someone from the Daughters scenario has been contacting me about working with them on a project but its like salt on a wound. You want my help with writing when you threw out all my story elements from another project? It just doesn't make sense. Why wouldn't you just work with another writer? I still have not forgiven you on some levels and need space.

Google came out with a new videogame system the other day. Its really just an application technically because there is no console. All you have is a controller and a chromecast device. The games are streamed from Google servers onto whatever device you wanna use. Tablet, smart tv or even your phone. Trouble is most folks do not have internet strong enough to handle these streams. Also you can't download any games. They should allow some wiggle room on that because it really means if you lose internet access there goes the access to your games. I tried Sony's streaming service awhile back and Xcloud sounds intriguing but the thought of no downloading options or even taking away physical media altogether makes me uneasy. Companies would have too much control over your stuff.

Tyler Perry is making moves again. He is the owner of the largest black film production company in the world. He bought up a military base years ago and converted it into a humoungous studio. I wouldn't mind the opportunity to work with Tyler one day. I mean....I do like the Madea films. Also its great having someone doing some positive things in the community. Plus he gave one of the Duke boys a job and he always has the sexiest brothers in his stuff. I guess I am just waiting on Tyler Perry to get involved in horror/fantasy and sci-fi material. Those are my genres. (Yes I am aware he was in Star Trek)

I dunno. For the longest I have been thinking about perhaps doing some sort of nerd oriented talk show or program featuring pop culture related topics geared more towards others who might be able to relate to my life. Just seems there is a demographic out there being ignored by the major players and for the right person with the right idea it could help alot of people plus it would be a goldmine of opportunities you know? Could provide outlets or jobs. Could launch a franchise or sorts but the big quetsion eating at me is where to start and who or what should be the face of this operation? You have to start somewhere and then build. Could be that the answer lies in these new short stories I have been working on and the relaunch of my SOL universe.

(Written at home to Game of Thrones S6 soundtrack via Spotify)

I got up this morning and started my daily routine. Well usually I am getting up at around 4pm not 5amish but whatever. Brushed the teeth,showered and got dressed. All with this weird smell of smoke coming in after I cracked open my door like I do most of the time. I guess there are still some fires going on. So much of the time I have to be careful about leaving my door open because these sneaky people smoke cigarettes later at night when they know the manager won't be around or they cook and smoke which masks the smell of cigarette smoke except I can still smell the chemicals. Had to start closing my door when I go to sleep because of inhaling second hand smoke. But at least the stupid car alarm wasn't going off this morning like it was yesterday. That damn thing went off for over an hour just non-stop. I guess the time was around 9 or 10amish. So I was really feeling this strong desire to write today. Been feeling this for a good while lately but I've been basically stopped up. So things kinda built up inside me. Reading comics, playing videogames, Netflix, Hulu (There goes that car alarm!) these things help me as they always have but lately (Now there goes my phone alarm!) I'm been feeling pretty numb inside. Thankfully my treatment program to deal with anxiety starts tomorrow. Its a 3 week program that kaiser has to help folks deal with the stress of anxiety. Much of it seems to revolve around work. (Will be on work leave till it ends) My mental state has been in a strange place since much of last year and it has much to do with things that started last year I think. Losing Daughters of Legend. Seeing a project I worked on and spent my time and money to create basically snatched away and then all the drama going on with bickering and threats of lawsuits. Friends becoming enemies. Then getting my stuff stolen in Detroit on what was supposed to be a birthday trip to help me recover. Constant migraine headaches and this inner battle to stay creative while all these things were going on. Not feeling happy at work and still dealing with weirdness at home due to issues with neighbors. Having to come to terms with The Dangerous African being so far away took a toll. Then there came this sobering feeling that love and romance might be gone from my life. So many things and the mind can begin to unravel. People don't really understand. Some think you're lying or making stuff up for whatever reason. But let me tell you it is a deep dark place when you start wondering if you can't trust your own mind because its been ripped in so many places. I kid you not when I say I have probably suffered at least six nervous breakdowns. Things I dealt with and have done my damndest to bounce back from. They do say some of your greatest victories will be private personal ones so there it is.

Sometimes I can feel myself slipping and it scares me. Waking up with a rapid heartbeat. Feeling numb inside. Wishing I could push a reset button on my life or just run away from everything because so much of it feels like....like I have failed in some ways and people will never accept me. Feeling like cars are going by and eyes are on me. Watching or waiting for me to make a mistake or fall so folks can say "Yep I was right about him" so they can feel good about themselves. Then there are times I feel I have let down so many people by not being perfect. Not having the right body type. Not being confident enough. It feels people look at me and see somethings wrong even though in reeality I understand I have done nothing and its not my problem what people think they know about me. It shouldn't be my problem but people will sometimes go out of their way to remind you that you have definitely fucked up in some areas of your life. I was at McDonalds yesterday and this hispanic lady who could barely speak or understand english got my order mixed up. There was a long line behind me and this Korean guy just gave me this look like I was just nothing. As if I needed a reminder so many of them hate black people. Yes I said it. Now I have Korean people in my life I love dearly who have looked out for me when it felt the rest of the world walked out but I have lived in Koreatown for many years so I'm not gonna sit here and pretend some Koreans and other races have a definite problem with black folks. The thing is to not let it spill out into your life where it affects how you treat others just because of the actions of a few.

Creatively speaking I have been keeping myself busy. Been brainstorming. Had some auditions and met some promising talent. Started on some literature. Getting ready to get back into filming next month. Been posting regularly on Instagram (Which is said to be getting rid of "likes" soon. Thats gonna be so strange. Are they trying to limit the interactivity of the platform?) Actually writing and animation are some things I'd like to focus much more on. These things are simply easier (and CHEAPER) to pull off. I've so many ideas and even though I get stuck sometimes its nice to know there are people out there who can help. People like Carrie Fisher did pretty good with ghostwriting and I think these people are often unsung heroes for many writers. Its not always cheap but at least you can get your manuscript done. The teddy bear novel has stalled because I got stuck. Gotta work on completing that and maybe consider having some reading sessions with a group setting to garner feedback. Honestly I'd love to get my brother involved in this stuff but I don't really have a gameplan for how I'm gonna do that. If we could be a writng team that would be awesome!

Theres so much that I want to do to make 2020 a truly amazing year full of accomplishments. Wanna go home to see my father. Wanna get in better shape. Wanna get some dental work. Wanna see about maybe getting glasses. Wanna work on the back pains I have at times. Wanna get my apartment back in tip top shape. (It really needs to be cleaned since I spiraled into some sort of depression) Gotta figure out what to do with all the excess clothing and other items in here.  Wanna pimp my gaming computer so its a super gaming computer. Looking froward to the next generation of gaming consoles by the way. It looks like I am gonna be leaning towards the Xbox side of things from now on. Even though Stadia did initially interest me. Hey I just like having the option to download or buy physical media. Something Google doesn't offer. Nintendo and Sone have cool stuff but Microsoft has an easier interface and they seem to be in the business of listening to the consumer. Of course they have slipped in some regard over the years but they did a complete turnaround these past few years. I'd love to see them become super cool like they were with the Xbox 360. 2020 might see a new President (Let us pray) but it might see these roots of mine pulled out and planted somewhere else too. Detroit is still on my radar despite "the incident". Theres really nothing holding me to California. I can have a successful creative career anywhere. Its looking more and more like 9-5 jobs are not for me. Not anymore. The writings been on the wall for awhile. Hopefully this Kaiser program can help me figure out what to do and get my life back on track. Can't keep doing something that doesn't make me happy and just going thru the motions hoping things will get better. My spirit can't pretend.

Got a little bit of excitement this morning at work while I was patrolling down in one of the parking areas. It was waaaaay in the back where a bunch of construction materials were that I picked up an all too familiar scent. One of my relatives used to come around and visit my father back when I was a youngin. He always had a particular smell because he drank alot of alcohol. So I recognized that scent on my patrol and noticed some things in the area seemed out of place. I moved in for a closer look and thats when a pittbull started growling at me. He/she was laying next to a white guy wearing a red and white striped shirt. This guy sat up rubbing his eyes and looking out of it. I told him he had to leave and he started apologizing and saying he didn't want any trouble. Said he'd gone out to a club and some other mess. I took out my little ipod touch so I could get some photos/videos in case people didn't believe me when I reported it. Now you know my nerves are kinda bad right now so my heart was beating real fast like. Dude left in a hurry because when I went back after stepping away for a moment he was gone. I did see him leaving when I went topside. He was like I'm sorry man. He also wasn't happy when he noticed I was videoing him. Honestly I am just surprised it took this long for me to walk up on someone down there.

HUMBLE PIE AND THE DOUBLE EDGED SWORD

Sir Nathan said he didn't really have anything else without God
other than his acting.
I didn't know what to say. We were talking about religion and how people believe so many crazy things. I'd mentioned religion because of a conversation I'd had with an artist earlier.
It was about how people believe so strongly these things that have been drilled into them
even if it defies logic
they will kill to hold on to those things.

I long for someone
he's close
So close at times I can touch him
yet he might as well be on another planet I can't fly to.
Then the other guy
he lives so far away and its funny
nowadays I'm starting to get the idea
he actually really does care
so much more than he did before.

I'll be soon going in to speak with a head shrink
someone who can help me
with the sudden waking up
erratic heartbeating
and states of general panic
then I can find out if I can keep working at the job
I'd say my job
but I'm not so sure if I belong there anymore.
I could leave
I'd be free
and my spirit would certainly soar
no more chains
but folks are saying I shouldn't quit
without security.
I try to explain to The Dangerous African
and he doesn't seem to understand my faith
in these gifts the higher power cultivated within me
These gifts inspire but they can help me survive too.
I guess its easy to disbelieve when you don't know any artists
people confident in their power
using their powers to live.

My nerves are shot
and working a 9-5 was only supposed to be a limited series.
The stupid studio execs just kept churning out
bad product until they wore out their welcome.
People stopped liking their stupid shows
and responded with violence because
the stupid studio execs JUST WOULDN'T LEAVE
OF THEIR OWN FREE WILL.

I'm tired of being a stupid studio exec.
Tired of social media throttling my flow
Tired of lost souls &
people dumber than me
coming for me
Its a kind of manufactured gravity to weigh one down.
Gotta fly from these malevolent forces
hidden or
right up in my face
trying to control my life.
I feel like
if I keep playing it safe
I run the risk of losing whats left of sanity
of spirit.

I need a time out
need to gather my wits
heal these mental scars

I need to go someplace where I can be who I'm meant to be.

Time to leave the hood.

Man have my legs been bothering me. I don't know what the hell is going on. Is it poor circulation because of my diet? Sitting or is it stress related? The nurse I spoke to on Monday when I went to Kaiser said that stress can cause this. I had to go for anxiety that was triggered last week at work when I had a nasty confrontation with a co-worker who persisted on taking the desk at the start of the shift. We'd just started working together and dude seemed cool. Really cool but like most people I guess its all about self because he tried to get me in trouble by logging down some stuff in our DAR. Its weird that as crazy as that night was I don't really think I'm upset at him. Its really just a matter of things building up inside and just stress and anxiety and next thing I knew I was having some kind of out of body experience. Why do I say out of body? Well I was in the shower this morning and it really hit me I have kinda been out of it with my projects. I have tried to be productive and even started writing and talked to people about collaborating on stuff yet as far as Sasquatch and other ongoing projects I drew a blank spot since Thursday night. Thats not like me. Especially since filming date is fast approaching. Saturdays audition didnt happen because a main actor cancelled saying his car was broken into. What a coincidence that it happened two days before an audition huh? Now I know things happen and he could have been telling the truth yet....I dunno.

So now I am on medication to help bring me down from the adrenalin rush lingering from last Thursday. And I have to call to make an appointment to see a specialist today. Its crazy how in one instant your life can change. One thing can cause a reaction. I've been doing good for awhile. Avoiding certain types of people and events. Working nights. Trying to stay focused yet it feels I have reached some breaking point and security is something I'm gonna need to leave behind sooner than later. I can't keep putting myself in stressful situations and expect my nerves to repair. Angry people. Potentially dangerous environments. Constant changes at work. It could be that I am too friendly too which is one reason why people seem to come for me so often in life situations. I'm starting to really understand and respect the art of being silent and to yourself in many life situations. Thing is as important as these life lessons are one cannot let oneself shut off completely from the world. After all not everybody is out to get me (even though it seems that way at times) Sometimes people do seem self-centered or conceited when they stay to themselves. That might not be true. It might also not be true they are socially awkward. Sometimes you protect yourself by staying to yourself.  We have to guard ourselves and learn to recognize things in people. Its not always easy to quickly access a person and see if they are a threat you know? In the Matrix Morpheus basically told Neo not to trust anyone else unless they are "woke". Its so funny how art can give solutions to life stuff. Then again much of art is inspired from life I suppose. I think I will be okay so long as I realize I am just visiting this job. I am there to provide a service and collect a check. Nothing there has an emotional connection to me. It doesn't matter who gets to the desk first just like it doesn't matter that people get upset when I ask them to not hang around the property. I should not be talking to people on a personal level. Well except for maybe the ninja and Mike and maybe "The Dell". Can't get comfortable there. Try to leave what happens at the job at the job. Focus on dispelling anger or anxiety to prevent build up or explosions or panic attacks. Also DON'T allow people to infect me with negative energy because that shit can stick to you and cling for days. And if things feel really bad then take a mental health day off work to deal with the shit going on in my head. Right now its still heavy on my mind "Do I return to work tomorrow?" Like I said before its not really about the stupid desk because I have no problem patrolling first or whatever. Its really about me working at a job longer than I should have and just knowing its time to get out. Feeling frustration over some things at work that might not change. Worrying about projects. Worrying about so many things in life....lack of things and then this feeling of putting up with things then knowing I deserve so much more and feelings sometimes of helplessness....wanting to just run away from everything....feeling so much uncertainty and keeping it all at bay then that dam breaks and it all just comes rushing out. You feel embarrassed it happened. Your nreves are fired up. Its not just about what just happened. Its just about EVERTHING that has ever happened. And the adrenalin flow....the shit just doesn't shut off and you're just left feeling scared it could happen again and it could be worse the next time. And I guess that why until further notice Sergio has to take that oh so small yet so mighty tiny white awful tasting pill (and a half) once a day. Welcome to -the real- indeed.

REJECTION OF A STEALTH FIGHTER

I thought it was me

Thought it was

The gay thing

Thought maybe that was why

You are so distant.

I thought maybe

It was my crazy.

Then one day you said

“Don’t think because you’re light skinned you’re one of them”

And that stuck with me

Because now I’m thinking

Maybe the real reason he’s distant

Is because of something else I can’t change.

I can’t change my complexion.

You see I never had a chance from the get go.

(If I’m right)

 ****

SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY

I think I’m in trouble

I think I’m in love with the enemy

Know its wrong

But everytime those images come

I rise

Thinking of that skin

Those strong arms and that smile.

It all belongs to the one I trusted

The one I feel betrayed me

Ripped out a part of me

Ran with it

He’s still running

Running towards some

Elusive prize

Be damned how I feel.

And I

I can’t make sense of the need

To feel him inside me.

It makes no sense really

So its my big secret.

Even if I think he already knows.

6.14.2019

(Eating pizza S/O Julio gave me!) This has been a pretty busy shift so far. Barely got enough sleep so it’s a good thing. All the running around is keeping me up. The Monster energy drink is still here on my desk on standby. Both my bosses dropped by tonight too. The first thing I asked was “What did I do this time?” and that was followed by laughter. It was just a routine visit (and also I heard someone got in trouble behind some keys) Speaking of keys another guard lost his car keys and now its gonna cost him $500.00. Just when you thought you had problems.

I wonder what Brianopolis wanted. Merely taking like five seconds to tell him I was rushing out to work caused me to miss a bus. 

Still waiting to hear back from my actor on whether or not he can get me into E3. Perhaps he forgot? 

Had to block yet another person on Facebook. Why? Well when he (possibly she) would not video chat (claims they don't know me that well although FB messenger told me they were on another call when I tried to call them) it just made me suspicious. I got the feeling this individual was gonna try to play me. I believe they have a fake profile. They had like three old photos of themselves and even the photos of their city (supposedly Chi town) looked OLD. Coulda been another one of these African guys/women from Ghana or Nigeria who try to get into your head then often try to bleed you for money. I'm just not interested in being manipulated by anyone. I have enough things to worry about. Like Stanzilla my ex used to say "If it don't make dollars it don't make sense" Too many of these African guys out here giving their region a bad name by trying to scam other people. Especially other Black folks as if we don't already have enough craziness to deal with. 

Speaking of Africans The dangerous African called me so I need to call him back. Maybe he can give me the exact date he will be coming next month so I can try to get time off.  Regarding other men from “Dem Islands” I spoke briefly to me Belizean friend. I didn’t wanna ignore his calls cause I hates it when other folks do that shit to me. He want ed to meet up this weekend. I really want to work on cleaning up my place and I gotta be careful not to spend money I don’t have to so I told him next weekend could work. Mostly I don’t think I can date anyone right now because there are so many things in my life I need to fix. My career. My body. My finances. I’m planning to move and plus my feelings for The Sneaky African seem to be intensifying. He really is the only man who I spend a lot of time thinking about. (Yes I have several nicknames for Jonathan.)

It seems funny to me that even though its nice to look at hot men mostly I look at them and feel nothing other than a sense of knowing I’m not on their level. Or its very likely we just won’t click. Never really clicked with jocks on a sexual level you know. I have had some cool friendships with jocks but many of these guys would never date someone like me unless I had a lot of money. I just don’t kid myself and stay in my lane. I have said this before that I just don't seem to be sexually attractive to American Black men. Not blerds either (They seem to largely prefer white guys or other races) I think I'm just not masculine enough. (Interestingly enough the word "Toxic Masculinity" is getting tossed around alot these days. So is MA'AM but thats a whole nother conversation) The Crazy African is funny. He’s cool and has a very calm disposition about life even though he has been thru a lot of shit. He actually inspires me in a way. The fact he has a nice body and mindblowing sex is just incredible because to find all these qualities in one man….well it does feel like looking for a needle in a haystack.  When you get to where you’re comparing every guy with someone you know then you are probably in serious like with that person. It would be something if the soulmate I doubted ever existed was right under my nose all this time and he is in fact The Dangerous African. (He earned that nickname for almost destroying my microwave and also because once he “puts it down” those hooks stay in. I told him he has voodoo powers. Sex with this guy is a spiritual experience. Thats part of how he earned the nickname King of Fargo....

I finally reached out to the actors today with a shoot date for Sasquatch and the Sisterhood Mythology.  I’ll talk with the director maybe sometime over the weekend. I need to come up with a strict budget per episode. As much of a pain that will be it’ll help me get an idea of what types of effects make sense. Now I’m starting to understand why Steven wants to work on the script. There are some effects in there that are gonna be difficult to pull off with the budget I have. It’ll make life easier just being….well being more realistic. Perhaps I should keep the heavy effects type stories for my comics and cartoons. Speaking of cartoons I still have not really done anything with the Detector Pig cartoon I had made years ago. I’d like to continue his story at least in comic book form sooner than later. I’d still like to do a video game too. Talked with one of my actors from before who has worked with me on fight coordination for some projects. He says he’d like to work together again. But he was talking more about a barter type arrangement as opposed to monetary. He does believe in my story concepts and understands where I’m coming from because he’s a blerd himself. A hot blerd too. But most importantly he gets me and his martial arts prowess is unmatched by anyone I have ever met. He is open to whipping me in shape. I did one training session with him and was sore for like a week but he can turn me into a bad ass like he is. That way I won’t look like an idiot on camera plus I can do my own stunts. We may have a sit down in a week or two. I was gonna have the writer who worked with me on my still somewhat on the backburner full length SOL script from last year come direct Sasquatch And The Mythology Sisterhood. She’s also gonna help me go back to fix some of the story elements I have to remove from the script as I no longer own the rights to Daughters Of Legend. Thing is she is kinda high so I’m on the fence now about using her. Then again she will make it high quality and she has some killer contacts in the industry. She can get my stuff in front of the right people. I have good concepts which are capable of boosting both our careers if the right people get involved. As it stands I don’t feel the right folks are seeing my material. My target audience or investors who would love to support me. I keep thinking this videogame get together idea I have could be a good networking opportunity even as it gives me some social instruction and a way to express my knowledge of pop culture. Something I seem to be obsessed with. I think I need another console though because of the wear and tear you know? Gotta decide which console to get. Next year Sony and Microsoft are coming out with new consoles. I’d prefer to get one of those but I ain’t waiting till next year. Need to figure out some kind of a screening process for who I will invite too. Will it be just blerds? Cool down to earth blerds who don’t have attitude problems or desires to steal my shit. I just want good energy around me. Its important. The thought of charging $5.00 per person has crossed my mind as it will help cover costs of renting the room and also help with the funding of projects. But to get people to even come I might need some sort of incentive. Like a giveaway. This is something I have seen people do on sites and on youtube to generate viewer participation. If I give away stuff that’s too expensive then it defeats the purpose. However if I could get some local businesses I patronize involved….hmmm. Could be some free donations….food….gift cards or even having them sponsor my events so I’m not having to come out of pocket with a lot of moolah. Looks like its time for me to hit the pavement. Might also be time to think about the benefits of having a roommate situation. Yeah I can’t believe I’m thinking of that either.

6.13.2019

At 12:00am I was barely getting set up here at work at the other post in the back when a white guy practically ran into the alley. I knew what he was gonna do so I jumped up out of my chair so I could run over open the door and yell at him to stop. Dude had already unzipped his pants and was about to pee. He went “I’m stopping I’m stopping” and “Good catch” He also mumbled something about wishing 7/11 would let him use the restroom.  It happened again with another white guy. This was around 1:45am. A homeless man this time. I barely got to him in time to stop him. These guys must have the power to unzip at super speed. Lord my life. Just gotta hang in here until I can save up enough moolah to move out of Cali.

I had to run for the bus again last night. I was waiting for a long time for the usual express bus but it never came. So when I noticed the regular route bus I had to dash across the street like a maniac and luckily the driver saw me coming and waited a few moments. She told me the express bus may have broken down or something. I think she also said she saw it behind her. This kinda weird acting black guy who was sitting near me took a plastic bottle he was drinking from and kinda crumpled it in between the seats. I guess he left it there. It amazes me how people can just litter with no concern for the environment. Earlier in the day a guy I always talk to on the bus (another guard from a different company) simply put a can of energy drink he was drinking from down on the ground and left it standing there when the bus pulled up. (Man is this A/C kicking in here. I was shocked the guard I’m rotating with complained because he always turns the thermostat down to 62 in the lobby and I turn it back up to 70) Ironically the thermostat in here is stuck at 62. I’m so glad my new long sleeve and jacket came earlier in the day. My higher power was looking out for me.

I was listening to KCRW earlier and I heard something about Donald Tramp. Er Trump trying to get executive privilege to basically protect him from any legal action I guess. Theres been a lot of drama these last few years with the democratic party trying to find evidence that Russia helped his election happen. Now all kinds of stuff is coming up about his financial dealings and he won’t reveal his tax records. Also this Mueller report came out that has some stuff in it that supposedly implicates him in some shadey dealings. Some dude was supposed to testify but he basically ignored the court summons and its all such a mess. I’m so tired of hearing about Donald Trumps scandals and Tariffs or strange things he’s doing that’s making a lot of enemies for the US. I’m bewildered he has any support at all by this point but here we are years into his presidency. Whats even more mind boggling to me is the fact he might actually win another election. I say that because….well he won the first time around which made no sense. Nothing makes sense when someone with no political background and a questionable ethics system can win over candidates who are much more qualified for the job. He has accomplished NOTHING and lies about so many things. I respected him on Apprentice but that was before I came to see how messed up he is as a person.

I went to the movies with my movie buddy again. I’m pretty much convinced he’s straight. He’s young. Cute. Funny. I guess he’s a blerd too. (A black person who is a nerd) I am trying to get comfy with that word. It brings back some painful memories from my youth. Anyway its kind of a social experiment for me. You know. Trying to see how I can be when interacting with humans. Over the last 10-15 years (maybe more) I’ve kinda turned into a hermit. A shadow of who I was. A lot of it comes from rejections. Being around fucked up individuals plus having to deal with neighbors who I am convinced are trying to turn me into a serial killer because of the crazy things they have done to me. Most things I cannot prove because they are sneaky and smart enough to avoid detection. I have had packages taken. People have spit on my door. I have had soiled panties put in the dryer with my clothes and chewing gum stuck in my door keyhole. Someone even sent the police to my house one night. These people are lucky we didn’t have video cameras in the hallways years ago. Its very likely in a perfect world of justice I’d have a hell of a lawsuit but since its just my word against theirs I have to grin and bear their presence until I can move next year. Well unless I come into money before then by a book deal or a film etc. In all my life I have seen the evil men can do to each other but these people have really taken it to a whole other level and I can’t even imagine what they would do to someone who really was a threat to them. I have merely fought to survive their shit for at least 15 years. I believe ONE female is behind all of this so that’s why in my “SonsofLegend Universe” the main villain behind everything is a woman named Oasis.

An old flame resurfaced yesterday. We went out waaaaaay back in the day. I think he’s from Belize. Nice guy and all. Probably was triggered by some new photos I put up on social media yesterday. I am not really into feeling him and I don’t think it would be a good idea to date someone else who is not at least partially a Blerd. Been there done that. Even though I looooove men from DEM ISLANDS. African. Belize. Puerto Rican. Haiti. Etc. I dunno what it is with me and American Black men. They either ignore me or just give me this look like I don’t belong or something. Is it in my mind? I was on my way to work and this black guy walked past me and gave me a cold look when I tried to acknowledge him As a defense mechanism I guess I tell myself I should know better and that I should expect hostility from brothas. So I shouldn’t be surprised when I get dissed. Then when someone could actually be trying to be friendly in their own weird way I put up walls because I’m getting mixed signals which makes me give off mixed signals. Then every now and then I read a poem or see something someone else wrote online about how dejected and unworthy they felt until they met someone who got them to believe again you know? I have been rejected by men so much I honestly believe its starting to awaken some bisexual feelings I never had before. Thing is women to me are in a sexual sense icky. Many of my heroes are women because most men are idiots but that does not mean I lay awake at night fantasizing about sleeping with them. Why do I say most men are idiots? Well how often do you hear about women going around and beating up people or being serial killers? How often have you heard of women terrorists? School shooters or rapists? How often have you heard about any woman killing some guy because he was gay? Yes guys are awesome and I owe a lot to some who have helped me or inspired me yet many of my most horrifying experiences/memories in life came about due to the actions of a dude either directly or indirectly. So whatever.  

The guy from Belize has resurfaced before. He’s looking a lot better these days too. I dunno. Theres this guy on social media who has been liking a lot of my photos lately. I think he’s hot. He has that perfect blend of ruggedness and handsomeness I like. Beautiful brown skin and he has a nice body too. He also is a father. I just have reservations about dating guys with kids because well its like if someone has a pet or a kid they have to like you. Just like friends and family of that guy have to like you.  It can be a hassle and I had some bad experiences which make me wanna date loners yet these are the types of guys who generally tend to have the most issues when it comes to being in relationships you know? I guess it couldn’t be a bad thing for me to overcome some of my social awkwardness or shyness. Sometimes I do get the feeling I’m not supposed to be this way only I let some messed up folks affect the light inside that wants to shine. That may have come across cornier than how it sounded in my mind. I am thinking of forming a movie group or a video game type of social club to help me connect with other people and fix some of my issues. The comics,videogames and artistic endeavors help but its time to crack this shell. At least alittle bit.

A couple of buddies asked me if they could crash at my place because they have fallen upon hard times. One is a dude who does art for me often. His car got towed and thats where he's been sleeping since he lost his apartment awhile back. He's been spending alot of time in coffee shops too. I was tempted to let him come stay with me. God knows I sure could use some help cleaning up my place. But right now my apartment is so cluttered because of all those months I spent in a deep depression mode I am still fighting to bounce back from. I don't know if I can stand having someone else in such close quarters. My place is small enough as it is. Someone else who lives in Detroit wanted to come stay with me. he's a rapper who I came into contact with years ago when I was looking for some music for my one of my webseries. He like my artist friend is straight so that already automatically means things will be awkward. I don't care what anyone says, It is almost always gonna be awkward being friends with a straight man. Not so much women but they can be awkward too. Dude has a temper on him too. I have observed from a distance some of the crazy situations he's gotten himself in because he posts things about his life on social media. He has a tendacy to get himself in messed up situations too. No I don't think he's a bad person. I don't even know what kinda energy he has so it would be too idealistic to just let someone you haven't been around in your space. Perhaps I can let him come visit. As long as there is a return trip ticket. Don't get me wrong a roomie could work out if I have my own room. Which I would not have in this situation. The other person is an actor who worked with me on a project I have all but banished into nothingness. I'd still like to revisit the project because I was on a mission to turn all of my published stories into short films. I got sidetracked mostly because of attempts to modernize the stories instead of just leaving them how they are. Dude got into with family members and was forced to leave. He's a gay guy. Kinda cute. A little fruity but he's cool. I feel bad for his his situation but he's got access to his gym and he is able to go back to get things from his family. I have been attracted to this guy for a minute but my "bottom sense" in his presence so theres that. Its strange that mostly the idea of having sex with anybody feels like....something that might not ever happen again. So I see people who are hot then its like in the back of my mind I'm thinking they would never wanna be with someone like me. I went all off topic. I guess that was all to say mentally I'm getting to a place where I'm starting to only really worry about how I feel about me. I'd like to get in better shape. I'd like to travel more. I'd like to get to where I'm better off financially and to a place where I am only doing what I want workwise. Most guys just seem to be morons and at best a distraction I simply can't waste energy on anymore. So having some guy around me who might kinda know I feel some kinda way but they don't....well I just don't wanna be manipulated. Ain't nobody got time for that.

The Sneaky African said he was gonna beat my butt if he comes here and this place is junky. He's planning to come in July so that gives me at least a month to get it together. I need to probably clean this carpet. I need to throw out this bed and get a couch bed. I want to get another tv. A flat screen and throw the big box tv out or give it away. That way when I have guests over we won't be crowded around my small flat screen. I think its about 25inches. One of my actors who I went to the movies with recently wants to come over and I have been basically stalling because I don't want anyone over here to see how it looks now. Its kinda hard for me to throw stuff away and storage costs might be high but storage would be the quick and easy way to get some of this stuff out of here. Don't wanna just start throwing away things you know? They say if you haven't worn something in 6 months you should toss it. I have two more days of vacation left so maybe I can fill a couple of trash bags with undesirables and decide whether to donate or throw them out. Been putting this shit off too long. Could ask one of the guys to come stay here a few days and then instead of asking them for money I can request their help in moving some things around. It was hard not letting them come the other night and I felt bad advising my artist dude he could find refuge in Denny's or on late night trains or buses. You know its hard to get people to leave at times once you let them in right? Thats what I'm worried about. I've had some bad roommate situations. Just don't want no mess. So if I do do this brief thing I need to let people know there is a clear time to go because my manager would be pissed if I let someone stay longer than 2 weeks. Ain't nobody else's name going on my rental agreement. I did it with The Sneaky African because he was a gem. Most other people are NOT a joy to live with or to be around. I gotta think more on this shit. Damn.

Rantings and thingamagigs.

Yesterday in the morning when I got off work I walked across the street like I usually do to catch the bus and had an encounter with a homeless out of his mind individual who started kicking things over as I talked with a fellow security officer. For like the past year I have been Uber or Lyft reliant because I got tired of dealing with nutcases on the train or bus. But of course you can’t really escape from them as they seem to be everywhere. LA has a biiiiig homeless problem and its even crazier when you consider many of these people might actually be a danger. Months ago a guy walked over to a 5 year old kid in The Mall of America and simply tossed him off the balcony. Last night while riding the bus to work this guy stumbled on the bus and then after sorta pleading with the driver to allow him to ride free he went about talking in a kinda loud alarming fashion. He actually seemed to be directing his energy at me so after a few minutes I got up and moved because I just didn’t want any of that negative energy to get on me. He goes “Yeah go ahead and move you so and so” to which I replied “Yeah that’s exactly what I’m gonna do because you CRAZY!” His response? “Born this way” Someone in the back of the bus started saying crazy stuff and I think the crazy guy figured it was me because he never looked back to see where it was coming from but for a moment until he got off I thought I might actually have to fight this guy.  Then I get here at work and this transgendered prostitute was trying to come use back alley to change. I told her no and she yelled “SO FUCKING RUDE!”. The same prostitute came around to the front claiming to live here but thankfully the other guard didn’t let her in.  Later a client who stayed out past curfew was irate because we wouldn’t let her in. I started getting a slight headache and had to take an exceddrin before it got worse. Friday can’t get here fast enough.

I was on facebook earlier today and this message popped up from some guy asking me to delete his page. That feeling inside told me to just delete him and move on but I responded saying I don’t know you and who are you? Then he said he didn’t associate with lame phony people. I got kinda pissed and blocked him with a report to facebook. The whole thing was so weird how it just literally came out of nowhere and changed my energy. It was a wake up call that I need to give a wide berth to social media. I think I have an idea of who the person might have been. It could be someone I have to come into contact with in my daily life or it could be one of these fake profiles from Africa. It could even be a disgruntled person who worked with me on one of my productions. (Yeah I am mindful there are some people out there who definitely do NOT like me) I cut someone off earlier because they wouldn’t do a face chat which is a red flag to me. Like what have you got to hide? Are you someone else? Are you a woman pretending to be a guy and you have all these attractive photos you stole from someone posted on your profile that are supposed to be you? The world is full of crazy angry people anxious to spread that negativity around. I guess it makes them feel good. I try to be careful when I write stuff these days because I don’t want everything I create to be a reaction from something stupid someone did to me. I just don’t want all my art coming from a bad place. What if someone purposely did something to piss me off then they go on my blog or facebook to get a kick out of getting to me? (Call me paranoid but I have no idea who reads my shit. It might shock me if I knew though!) I can’t let people make me out to be who they want me to be. I think I have wasted so much of my life doing that. Its just a trip people put so much energy into trying to tear someone down as if we didn’t already have enough shit going on in our lives to deal with.  Bottom line I people will come for you. No matter who you are. I guess we just have to be fiercely protective of our energy as well as who we allow in our space. I really do enjoy people some of the time (I swear) but if I had enough money I would probably live somewhere far from them. 

Getting the Sasquatch script done has been a struggle but it has finally been completed. It clocks in at 40 pages. Theres a lot of special effects which is something that the director wants to work on in a re-write while also making sure the script is at industry format. The plan is to do four episodes and then a short film and then finally a bigger full length project that will tie together all my webseries. The script is actually pretty damned good. It could actually work as a kick ass short film. It would certainly be great if I had some investors but I’m scared to go down that road again. I can’t have someone else come along and turn my project into what they think it should be to the point it barely resembles anything I created. Then comes the question of if you liked my work so much why the hell did you alter it so much? People be having their own agendas. They see you have something (a crew,actors,resources) then they wanna jump on board and TAKE OVER so they can steer the project towards their own interests. I am gonna be open minded about changes being made to cut costs but if I feel its too far from what I created I won’t go along with it. I was able to cast Sasquatch himself yesterday. He’s a very handsome muscular Latino actor who has just that right iconic and unique look/style. There are actually two Sasquatch characters in my universe but I won’t have to worry about casting him for quite some time.  I cast Harthley who is kinda my characters love interest. The actor has the right look but he has an aggressive type personality. Sorta like he’s had a rough life and doesn’t really like or trust people. (Sounds familiar) Seems to be a loner type and it might be difficult working with him. But out of all the actors here in LA he was the only one who seemed dedicated enough to take on the role so….well theres that. Which means a lot. Harthley is actually supposed to be a very laid back and friendly kind of guy. I just don’t want him to come across as being mean so me and the director understand we have to sit down and talk with this guy to make sure he can BE HARTHLEY. The director has more faith than me. When I met dude he just seemed a lot cooler and friendlier. I have to have chemistry onscreen with him and I guess I’m just concerned it might not translate and that’s not saying he’s not good. Maybe I’m thinking too much about this. Truth is I am gonna need to take some training as far as acting goes so I won’t look hokey compared to the other talent. Something else for me to spend money on huh? Who knows….maybe I will get bit by the acting bug. Still its not like I don’t know actors who can work with me. Something I have heard on the radio or somewhere recently was about a particular method that actors like Robert De Niro utilize for their craft. That interests me for some reason. What if I’m the next big thing in acting? A diamond in the rough. Wouldn’t that be a trip?

The Sneaky African says he wants to come visit in July. I might go see him in August. Maybe this month. I sure need a break from LA. Jonathan is the only person who has consistently showed an interest in me. I have always felt that man (if he existed) would be from another country you know? The distance thing has been an issue of course and he’s always ragging on me about not wanting to leave Cali. I do wanna leave Cali. I just don’t wanna do it BROKETH. I figure if I can save up about 10 grand that will be a nice little nest egg. Honestly theres really nothing holding me here. No one in Cali has shown any romantic interest in me for years. So that’s out. And sure this is a cool job with excellent benefits yet I have been feeling like I don’t belong here for awhile now so its time to start planning on leaving. My goal is to stay till Feb 2020. So I am gonna have to make some sacrifices. Maybe my internet? That’s $50 a month I could save. Been thinking about my phone too since people really don’t call me. That’s an extra $30 I could do without. One guy I know stayed in a shelter for a year to save up moolah. There are a couple of dudes who asked if they could stay with me till they get back on their feet. Its tempting but my place is so small and cluttered at the moment. Been considering doing some type of video game parties to raise moolah. How will that affect my filming/projects if I cut back on spending? These are things I am gonna have to think hard on over the next 8 months. In the meantime I'm gonna take it one day at a time. Saw Godzilla and Brightburn (more on that later) over the last few weeks. This weekend its E3. Maybe a buddy can get me in....

APR 24-25^{th 2019} 

I’m still here working in the old lgbt youth building on highland. I suppose we will only be here for a few more days (if that long) before we’re completely moved into the new building. Its quiet and peaceful here with no people around to bother me. Or to look over my shoulder to see what I’m doing. Its all good. Sometimes alittle solitude isn’t a bad thing you know.  I will likely be transferred over into the new building a block away next week when I come back from my vacation. Its been a weird last few days for me so I can use the time to wallow in my thoughts. First off I had a rehearsal scheduled for Monday and one of the two actors decided to literally cancel on me at the last moment. I got a text like five minutes after the hour saying….

“Hey Sergio, sorry for the bother and late contact, just finishing on set, I’m seeing that it would be best for everyone to recast my role. Apologizes but my time and scheduling seem to keep being a conflict”

Now keep in mind I paid to rent out the space. I paid him and the other actor (who did show up but I sent him home) in advance. I picked up some snacks and water. The DP I just hired was there too. So we’re all sitting around trying to decide what to do because we couldn’t really rehearse without a second actor. I can see from now on I need to have back-up actors onsite and maybe it might be a good idea to have folks sign contracts.  This is so weird to me because I have been having trouble casting this role of “Harthley” who is kind of a love interest for my character. In some cases the people flake at the last minute or they act as if they didn’t even know it was a gay or bi role. Sometimes I wonder if its just because I’m not really attractive to the person for whatever reason so they don’t wanna do the romantic scenes with me. Some probably don't wanna bother because they see I'm not some mega rich movie mogul (yet). People have told me to make sure and remember these flakes in case they ever resurface and when I tell my associates what happened they sometimes ask me the names of the individuals. (Its a small world out there so whos to say karma won't use someone you hurt to block your progress in the future?) Then theres a part of me that wonders if someone out there is deliberately trying to sabotage my productions. I know I have enemies out there so it could be possible. Who knows. It would be interesting to find out if other minority productions with lgbt content are facing the same types of troubles. Call me paranoid but I just keep feeling something is going on behind the scenes. This has just happened too many times to be a mere coincidence/circumstance. It would certainly explain why no one else is out there trying to do anything quite like what I’m doing.  Someone could be fucking things up to prevent them from progressing or attempting to steer them in a certain direction. I don’t like this idea of anyone trying to manipulate me or control my life. Its hard enough out here without people putting up walls you know? So anyway I recast the role but I’m feeling apprehensive. The guy certainly is a character with an interesting background (He used to work for the FBI and is ex military which means he probably has investigated the backgrounds of everyone in my family by now!) yet he comes across as VERY aggressive at times. As if he doesn’t trust me. My spidey sense is telling me to give him another role because he might be difficult to work with. Also “Harthley” is actually more of a laid back individual. Its strange to say this but I think I might seriously need to find someone to date then cast them as “Harthley” because that way it won’t be weird being in any intimate scenes together and plus the natural chemistry will be there. I have had success working with dudes on film projects when we had something going on offscreen. Montezilla. The Sneaky African. Kevin. Montezilla told me he was more into white guys and Latinos. Kevin later told me he regretted pushing me away but he was mostly keeping an eye on what else was out there. The Sneaky African moved away and his life just got too busy to seriously date anyone. We still talk and obviously care a lot for each other but the thing is that he lives way over yonder in North Dakota. If I could afford it I would fly there more often to see him. Moving there? Not quite sure but I am sooooooo ret to leave Cali. So ready.

Came in to work Monday after my “rehearsal” (which actually turned into a much needed meeting regarding production) and discovered someone had taken my I love NY Disney mug I bought at the Disney store in Times Square probably about 15 years ago. I was so pissed because I’d forgotten it and left it here at the security desk Saturday when I left to go home in the morning. Now this is not the first time I have had something taken and it just sickens me to think I work with people who will smile in my face then behind my back they’d take something they know is obviously mine or left for me with my name on it even. I went on Ebay to order another one because I was so pissed. I’m even more pissed at much it cost. It would be ironic if the mug I ordered was actually mine. The dealer only had one left and I was unable to find anymore online like it. Ugh. So pertaining to my upcoming production of “Sasquatch and the mythology sisterhood” we are gonna shoot a couple of cool scenes on Saturday. Theres some special effects work that’s gonna be trick so that’s largely why I decided to spend the day focusing on those shots entirely. Dude named Scott is in his apartment working out then he showers and gets dressed partially using his psionic abilities. I had to order a special greenscreen type suit because that will give us a lot more freedom in the scene plus it won’t look like cheap ass. I will wear the suit and then have to put dudes clothes on (that might be kinda hot!) then the DP will digitally remove me and it’ll look like the clothes are floating over and putting themselves on dude via telekinesis. I am thinking of adding something else to the scene but its gonna be pushing it (probably). I wanted to shoot a fight in the place between dude and his brother as they go at it with their paranormal abilities but Damonzilla said he didn’t want a fight scene shot in his place so maybe I can tone it down into more of an argument. But its gotta be something that won’t be boring. I have an actor for the role so I will talk to him tomorrow after I let the DP and Damonzilla know (he’s helping with directing duties). There are also a couple more actors interested in the Harthley roles who I may use in some other capacity unless I decide to switch around Mr. Aggro. Yes he is VERY serious and matter of fact. He actually reminds me of a guy I used to have a crush on who rooms with a good friend of mine.

And now the news…. Well another bombing type situation happened the other day in Sri Lanka. This was supposedly in retaliation to Australia bombings on a muslim church. So basically we have radical folks who felt the only way to get justice was to kill a bunch of other people. Innocent people of course. All in the name of religion. Then the other day a guy threw a kid off a balcony in the mall of America. Just walked over and grabbed the kid and threw him. All because he “wanted to kill somebody” Just when I thought the world couldn’t get any crazier. Things with Jusssie Smollet have kinda quieted down but it seems the city of Chicago wants to sue him over all the money that was spent on court costs and investigations. Meanwhile it appears there may be a move to impeach Tramp….er Trump. Not sure how that’s gonna play out. He’s basically gotten away with everything he’s said or done so far and it seems the public just doesn’t care to get rid of him because if they did he’d be out of there already. I didn’t think he would win the presidency but he did which only reaffirms how insane the world we live in has gotten. They wanna change the census now to ask how long have you been in this country. Theres so much focus on immigration and I’m not saying it isn’t a problem but there are so many other things we need to be concentrating on. This crazy weather is one of them. One minute its cold then the next its 80 degrees outside and I’m being tortured by allergies I never had before. Coachella happened and I didn’t go. Kanye West did some weird church shit that had a lot of folks scratching their collective heads. So that happened. Kanye West is so damn sexy but he just keeps doing and saying strange stuff and I’m really starting to worry just what is going on with him. Really. I think that’s about all I wanna talk about for now. I gotta get back to figuring out how Saturdays film shoot is gonna unfold. It is exciting to be getting back into my connected universe. The plan is to shoot four episodes of this new webseries then transition into doing a full length film project to be completed by next year. The DP mentioned getting some new storyboards done so I need to see whats up with that sense I already spent moolah on story boards. Whatever.

I had to change camera men for the upcoming shoot date for "Sasquatch and the mythology sisterhood". Dude had an accident with his camera and other stuff kept popping up which made scheduling difficult. Add to that I was still not happy with the script. Only just the other day did I finally complete a draft I was satisfied with. But we lost actors. Good talent....because we had to keep changing dates. I hired a new guy just yesterday but I may need to get another director if I'm gonna keep the budget low. I have a cool lady who I wanna work with. Her name is Jessica and she's worked with me before. Thing is she's a bit on the high side and the reality is I probably can't afford her. Good news is that I finally seem to have found my leading man. Its weird because he seems to be having some apprehension about the part. I met with him this week to talk about the script and to let him know I am just as nervous as he is about doing any type of romantic stuff. In a perfect world I'd just use someone I'm dating which is what I have done before. Its just easier you know to do love scenes with someone you dig as opposed to some stranger. As it is my character may simply not have a love interest. Just because he's an lgbt character doesn't mean he needs a love interest. I can always write those types of situations featuring other characters. We know Goyangee is moMaybe westly gay anyway and don't need to see him knocking boots or playing the kissing game onscreen. I can save that for the books, animation or videogame projects etc. It is kinda gross to imagine kissing someone else and not knowing where their mouth has been. a lot of people are nasty not even gonna lie. Sometimes I think about getting someone else to play Goyangee. Maybe if I got some hot guy to play me it would be easier to cast a love interest for Goyangee?

I was really struggling with the script until the other day a LYFT driver gave me an idea. He said I should put in a currently hot topic like immigration. So I thought about an incident I witnessed many years ago in Hollywood where some people involved in a car accident fled the scene. I took that and turned it into a supernatural type event which was originally gonna be one of those heroes saving people scenes. I'm so glad that while I was trying to get the script down and looking for my actors I had the incentive to get some storyboards and comic art done. Something to raise morale and keep everyone involved in the project motivated. I put out a solid date for the shoot and I'm to meet with the DP this coming Sunday. Maybe we can go look at some locations. I'd like to film one scene by the train station near my apartment building. A couple of my SinsofLegend actors have been trying to get me to use their residences for scenes. Thing is they are kinda far truthfully so it might not work out.

Speaking of work I have been having some issues with a couple of the guys at the job. I can't wait till we move into the new building so I can get away from some of these two faced individuals. Folks like to say somethings wrong with me but seriously the more I observe some of these folks the more convinced I am that medical experts would be stumped if they could take a peek into their thought processes. Things folks like to keep secret because they know they'd be committed if people knew what goes through their minds. I try to stay focused on my art and keeping my bills paid yet these fools keep coming for me and it makes absolutely no sense. I had to report a guy yesterday because of his outrageous behavior towards me especially when other people are around. The LYFT driver who picked me up from work yesterday said some people just have demons in them or they are in fact demons. I'd be a fool if I sat around plotting to hurt someone and scheming for an opportunity to take my anger out on someone. Even doing stuff like that on impulse is something thats an alien concept for me yet it seems common for many people. It just feels....beneath me. Someone spit on my door recently. I've no idea who did it. Could be the people from Bangladesh on my floor. Then theres the people who live over me who stomp and drop heavy things all the time. People watch me. Copy me sometimes. Thats weird to me. I had to take a break from a dude who used to play games with me on Xbox live. He flat out admitted he would pick the powerful characters and kick my ass repeatedly with them just so he could hear me complain then he got pissed and said "I'm disconnecting my mic because I don't wanna hear it anymore!"  I still haven't decided if I should unfriend him because we will likely never play any games together again. I don't think I know anyone else with such a closed mind. Why do I need folks like that in my life? Then theres these guys from Africa who keep hitting me up on Facebook attempting to get money from me. I told them many black folks over here are one pay check away from the streets yet for some reason they don't seem to believe me. I think oneday I'd like to move to Africa because it certainly appears only African guys want me. Seriously. But I can't leave the country until I replace the passport that mother fucker stole from me last year in Detroit forever tainting the place that was my home away from home. I love black men but they seem to be the ones who cost me the most. (Sigh) Maybe it would make for some good stories if Goyangee's love life (or lack of it) became an element of the webseries. Why is it that the so called heroes seem to be the people who spend their existence dancing around love? Why is it so entertaining to watch heroes struggle with this? Do the gods find it entertaining watching so many of us struggle going after something that is probably never gonna happen? That is so damn twisted. Even Superman has a love life thats not so super.

Been doing quite a bit of dreaming lately. So much in fact I've not been able to keep up in my dream Journal. Recently had my first flying dream for a good while. Some people think dreams are how we work things out in our lives. Others think theres some supernatural forces trying to communicate with us. Stephen King said he gets some of his stories from dreams and I have thought about trying that. Maybe a couple of times I have used dream elements. Would be something if some of the solutions to script issues I've had were hidden away in dreams. My novel that I've been working on since last year involves a dragon who uses teddy bears to invade childrens dreams to suck their lifeforce out. Yes I'm serious. I have always planned to bring my connected webseries characters together into one big epic battle. Since I lost the rights to "Daughters" its been a struggle trying to figure out a way to substitute another fragment of the puzzle. "Sasquatch and the Mythology Sisterhood" was my answer and if I must say so its a much better idea than "Daughters" was. Certainly more interesting than what I saw at a recent screening but anyway.... I think the big baddie I've been searching for who will bring together all my webseries characters could (in some capacity at least) be the dream dragon creature. More than likely it'll be his BOSS....

So Monday came and went. Its technically still here for me I guess. Since you know I came in at 10pm to work and now still counts as Monday I think. Yesterday was cool. I got up and wasn't sneezing non stop for like the usual 30 minutes but I gotta try and go back to Kaiser because I'm almost out of the allergy meds they gave me. I did my laundry and shaved. Got harrassed again by my neighbors from Bangladesh. Its apparent to me that after almost 20 years of coming for me these people just have nothing else better to do than try and turn me into some sort of serial killer. I noticed someone had spit on my door. Something I haven't seen in some years. Then they raised the bar by watching me from their partly ajar door as I went out and came in from doing my laundry. And also while I watched tv they rapped on the wall as they often would do in the past to try and annoy me while I was having phone conversations. Donald Trump often has bad things to say about people who come here from other countries and cause problems well these people are the stereotype that he is talking about. I have been under near constant mental seige for years and even though I complained nothing happened and it only seemed to make them try and get to me even more. Sometimes I feel like they are punishing me for being black and gay and for actually surviving in this crazy world. I guess they want attention from me and I don't understand how you can put so much time into trying to hurt someone for almost 20 years. I try to ignore them because I know eventually karma will catch up with them. I can look at them and see they are not happy people. Things will get worse as long as they keep putting out evil. I'll hopefully be able to move and completely forget about them by this time next year. It'll be something to be able to come and go without being watched and feeling that negative energy everyday.

When I checked my mail I was in for a pleasant surprise. Detroit came through with a small yet much appreciated check to help compensate me for last years theft of my things on that fateful birthday trip. I put it to good use. Went down to Target and got me a VR for my PS4. I'd gone down to Gamestop Saturday to look at the VR but decided not to get it because I needed to do other more important things with my money. I figure sometimes its nice to treat oneself. In all honesty I think the next videogame purchase I'll make will be a next gen console sometime next year. I just have so many games to finish and it makes no sense to buy anymore at this point. Thankfully the VR came with a couple of games plus theres plenty of free VR games and demos on the Playstation store. Sony is really pushing this VR thing hard. They better make it backwards compatible for the next machine or I will look at them side eyed. Theres really no excuse for not doing BC on games now. Nintendo needs to work on that shit too.

Seems I'm gonna need to recast some of my actors for the new SOL project. Because of all the trouble I've had casting gay or Bi characters I'm leaning heavily to just not putting alot of thought into bringing in more lgbt folks. When it comes to casting I get more of the fem type or just guys who don't fit the look I'm going for. Also many of these guys are so fucking flakey. They say one thing and then do the opposite. You say you have no problem doing a gay or bi role then you do shadey shit like not return calls or texts. Just tell me you're not interested and save us both the time. STOP trying to sabotage my production. Like Tamar used to say "Get yo life" And speaking of film stuff somebody has been making some threats of lawsuits and kinda giving me grief about paying them even though I'm no longer involved in said project. I have actually been making payments for awhile because I'd agreed to before leaving the project. How can you continue to expect payment from someone who isn't involved in the production anymore? I thought I'd closed the door on that dark chapter of my life yet it still continues to come back and haunt me and stress me out.

Been meeting a bunch of guys on Facebook recently. Most of them are from Africa. I had to cut a few off because they asked for money. Why do people think people here in the US are loaded when so many of us are one pay check away from the street? Its so bad I don't even trust people once I see they are from Nigeria or Ghana. One would assume because these guys look a certain way (handsome as a mofo with muscles and masculinity for days plus a killer smile that melts ice caps) they are accustomed to people basically bowing down and catering to their every whim. When I don't behave that way they act oblivious even though I can smell the manipulative pheremones seeping thru my webcam. Then they do little things like let the camera kinda wander down to body parts during the conversation. One guy acted incredulous when  I told him I was weary of trusting fellaz from over yonder. But his wicked smile is still in my mind. He actually asked me for 500 dollars yesterday and I told him off. Someone I sorta grew up with asked me for money over the weekend and it kinda sent me reeling. How you gonna just up and ask me for anything when you haven't even bothered to be a part of my life and probably think my gayness or bisexuality is some form of demonic possession? Sometimes I get so sick of people and their shit. Just trying to survive in a crazy world where fanatics crash planes into buildings or walk into churches shooting just to make a point then you gotta put up with shenanigans from folks trying to manipulate you or defecate all over your proverbial microphone or stage that is your life. Thank the gods we have videogames,comics,movies,music and our hobbies our sports or other things to help us take a break from reality. My observation is some people don't have healthy outlets so what they do is let off that negative energy by infecting someone else with it. Maybe this is what true evil is then. A virus?

I'm on vacation and stuck in LA because I actually forgot this was rent week. Ugh. Anyway its all good. I have time to relax and clean up around here and figure out what I'm going to do with my life at this point. We were supposed to film on the 16th but my camera guy had an accident on set so his camera is broke. Thats likely gonna push things back. I wanted to get started with my writing partner on my novel but I had to push that back after looking at the state of my finances. Actually the more I think about it the less convinced I am that I need a writing partner. Its gonna cost me alot to pay which is money that can go towards my film production. Work on my comics is still ongoing. Just gotta get my work out there in front of someone who can help me do something with it. Been dealing with some sort of depression shit too. Some of it is over what happened with Daughters of Legend and although I'm getting back to myself I worry this shit is taking too long. Also there are times...moments really where it hurts so much being single. Theres this deep feeling something is wrong with me and only when I am successful in my career Sergio will have something of substance to offer anyone which is weird because there are people way more fucked up than I am with a whole lot less who are happy in relationships. Dealing with the regular stuff....life demons....life drama....its a bit much at times then you have to add to the mix crazy co-workers. Last week a lady from another department told me she left cake with another guard and that I was welcome to some as well. When I went over to ask the guard his response was a nasty evil "She didn't tell me I had to share with you" I just turned around and went back to my desk on the other side. This guy used to be pretty cool with me and I guess I basically ignored all the other people who warned me about him. Now I know. But it just hurt so much someone I work with would go so far to get in a jab at me. Its not the first time. I made a point to start documenting stuff so people wouldn't think I'm crazy. He picked the perfect job because he works at night and because he has social issues he can get away with behavior unacceptable in a day setting. Also he doesn't have to change because people likely won't investigate him and it really is my word against his as I can't prove anything. Someone told me karma will get this guy. That sounds good and all but anyway....I just gotta get out of this 9-5 biz and away from crazy petty people. How great it would be to sign my own checks and not to have to deal with idiots. I'd like to be surrounded by other artists and smart people I can learn from. Tired of being around people doing nothing and acting out against me because I actually have ambition.

Rant over. I guess.