Last night at work a co-worker gave me a hug.
It was such a simple thing really.
An unexpected thing.
I think I may have been hugged a couple of times this year.
Such a simple thing
from someone who seems so distant
yet its a big thing because
it reminds me
how connected I am to the human race
even when at times I feel like I am
drifting so far away from humanity.

TORN THING. COSMIC PUNCHLINE THING.

Torn
bleeding
healing.
Wanting
(more from life. A better way of life)
Stolen from.
Ignored.
Recovering.
I look around
my place is in chaos
keep saying I'm gonna clean up
but it really hasn't happened for many moons now
I'm trying
to bounce back
I wish I could faster.
I do
wish I could do more.
Is my time running out
Are all these health issues signals
Am I near that light at the tunnel
sword drawn ready to slay one more monster
before I plunge headfirst into that damn molten lava.
Running
towards that goal
lingering in the dark
wanting to hide this shame of mine.
Questioning if
all these slips and slides
are because of something I did in another life
(Who's punishing me then?
Winter is coming indeed.
Yeah that is a pop culture reference so sue me.
My head hurts
my nose is sore
because I've been blowing it for weeks.
My back sometimes hurts
and these eyes
sometimes are not so clear.
These legs hurt
sometimes.
These hands hurt.
The knees hurt.
Then come the damned fever blisters
triggered by stress
triggered by my immune system taking a dive.
I am
TORN
Not completely in the physical world
and one foot in the spirit realm.
TORN from the pages of some
long lost and forgotten
comic book.
A wildly weird superhero
born of a darkness that follows him around
that he sometimes catches glimpses of
and sometimes I think that same darkness reaches out to comfort him
even if not entirely sure how to comfort me.
TORN
because things come at me left and right
I feel as if I'm being tested for something
but I won't break.
Because I want my story to be one of inspiration.
I WILL NOT be a cautionary tale.

Maybe thats the real reason why I'm
TORN then.



IGNORAMUS

You responded to the ad
(Didn't have to take off your shirt but thats okay....)
In some cases
You even came out to audition
then all of a sudden you got
compromised.
Changed your mind.
Sometimes it's just
the not returning of my phone calls/texts,
sometimes I get the old
"I saw the character was gay/bi
and I'm not down with that" or
"What you're doing is wrong
and you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven"
Whatever.
Most of the time I get nothing
you just sort of disappear
stop answering my calls
I may never know exactly why
you decided
not to be a part of my dream
but thanks so much for wasting both our time.


THE KNOWING

Sometimes it hurts
being right so much of the time.
I could smell it on you man
saw it in your eyes.
I knew I'd never hear from you again
when you said
you would direct my feature.
I don't even know why I took your card.
Next time
I will just say
how I feel.
"We both know you're not gonna call"


ARE YOU RACIST OR JUST AN ASSHOLE?

Cut in front of me in line
pretend to not even see me.
Then when I call you on it
you act incredulous
going out of your way
to make me feel
invisible
insignificant.
Like I've done something to you
and I don't even know you.

THE UNSEEN AND UNSUNG

Ignore me
walk by
don't speak
unless you need or want something.
I open the door
no acknowledgment
I see others moving up that ladder
even though I've never been offered
that same opportunity.
Sometimes it is nice to be
unseen.
Underestimated
(Not being laughed at or ridiculed or otherwise put out for wh oI am)
Then at other times
being ignored
BURNS
like the most violent kind of fire.

Pardon me for being alittle self centered
I'm only trying to salvage
whats left of my self esteem.



DREAM TRYING TO HATCH
(Typed on my Xbox1)

Its no exaggeration to say
I have crushed on you
for the longest time.
For years
wishing I could wave a wand
to turn a bottom into a top(!)
Acted out our union
and that passion
was so intoxicating
that it was almost overwhelming.
Now you call me up
middle of the night
somewhat intoxicated
telling me things I imagined you saying
Yet imagined it would all remain fantasy.

I wonder now old friend
Do you even recall
or regret our conversation?

Said things
all the right things.
Talked of being lonely
Wanting to hold and be held.
Said you'd come over and clean up this place.
Said you'd warm these cold feet
Said you'd come over
and make love to me.
Probably would blow my mind
yet I've known you long enough
to seriously doubt if any one man
can ever keep you
(satisfied).
I may have quietly accepted
my insecurities might be too much
to even think of burdening someone else with
this overly active imagination is probably too much.
This sudden gripping anxiety
brought on by the simplest of triggers at times
making my heart to beat erratically
making me feel
hate from so many
is probably too much.
I know you have your own personal demons too.
I could probably deal with them
but can I risk any extra energy
when sometimes my own demons
seem like a volcano threatening to erupt?

You have put me at a crossroads old friend.