Build up to greater things to come (Written to How to train your Dragon 2 soundtrack/Star Trek 2/God of War 2 soundtrack. Also Star Wars superlative edition).

After giving it a great deal of thought I decided its time for me to take a six month long hiatus from filming after October. But until then I still have alot of work to do. There are two projects I have lined up. They are pretty big undertakings if I must say so myself. (There may be a 3rd non SOL related  project but I have not made up my mind about that yet) As it is There are several projects either getting editing work done on them or waiting to get edited. The SinsofLegend/Daughters of Legend teaser project is getting worked on by Danielzilla. This was shot awhile back and will introduce the concepts for what will become two more SonsofLegend spin off webseries. The teaser will debut as a SonsofLegend "Origins" Special. This is also a kind of filler episode of SonsoLegend since I've not released a new SonsofLegend episode in quite a while. Danielzilla shot the first season 2 episode of SonsofLegend already but we have been having alot of trouble getting the actors picked for this episode to come back for other episodes. Some people are just flakey and others just wanna get paid. I don't have a problem paying people. I've been doing it for years. I do realize everyone has bills so from now on I'll give all my actors/actresses at least minimum wage for their time and not listen to folks who say not to pay the talent. Apparently there are alot of people who feel that way.  Danielzilla also shot some scenes to be used in future SonsofLegend and DragonManx episodes. Next month I plan to shoot a kick ass outdoor scene that will be combined with the DragonManx stuff to make a complete episode number 4 for season 2. I may try to go to Detroit in Oct to shoot another scene that will introduce a new love interest for DragonManx and put that in ep 4 as well. Originally I'd planned to bring back Phillip (from his coma) since Monte told me he was moving back to Cali from Texas but the move has been put on hold for at least six months so that will have to wait. Now that "The Crazy African" has moved in with me I'm able to save up more money thus a trip to Detroit seems reasonably do-able this time around. I gotta book my ticket at least a month in advance though. The lowest prices I have seen are in the neighborhood of 4 hundred bucks. I'd be flying out the day before Halloween and returning three days later. Still don't have a place to stay though. Nathan and I are still on weird with each other because he pissed me off maybe a week or two after I got back to LA. I was on my way out to the movies and even though I was close to being late I decided to quickly text him to request he open the netflix movie I had left there before he dropped it in the mail so netflix wouldn't just send it back thinking it hadn't been watched/recieved. If that makes any sense. But Nathan was like "I think you meant to say please" or something to that effect. I called him to see if he was joking and he wasn't. He took the text as I was being rude or something. Even after I repeatedly assured him I was not. After about 15 minutes of going back and forth he seemed to reluctantly agree maybe I wasn't being rude. Of course I asked him if there was something else behind this or if there was something else on his mind but Nathan said no. Maybe he was just having a bad day or something. I do feel bad because the few friends I do have I'd like to hold on to them. Nathan has run across some really fucked up characters in his life. Sometimes I think this is why he has a bit of an edge about him. Maybe oneday we will pick up where we left off but its not likely to happen.

I know I've said this before....a certain editor/director is very good at what he does yet I find that its difficult to get along with him at times. I mean we BUTT heads and I find myself going to deep dark places. We argue on set sometimes too in front of the cast/crew which is really unprofessional. Considering he got into it with the last PA I picked....well maybe its not me. Maybe its a guy thing because he usually hires women PAs. Could be an aggression thing.  I'll have an idea and he'll simply knock it down or second guess me. He has straight out told me what he was gonna use in my script. Chalk it up to sleep deprivation? I dunno. What I do know is I NEVER have these kinds of issues with anyone else I work with though so its potentially toxic. These things make me dread coming on set or putting together a production. Dude is a fast editor. He gives me a good price and he's GOOD. Getting even better too yet I honestly feel in my heart now might be time to start getting the hell out of Dodge. The last project I did I didn't even say anything about it ahead of time because I didn't want him to know. That was the first time I have ever done that. Ask me why and I can't even find the words. There have been other situations trust me. Some decisions are not easy to make. Even when you know its for the best. Not saying he's a bad person. Because he's not. I'm just saying my nerves have reached THAT point. And thats all I'm gonna say about that.

So I hired this cool DP months ago. His name is Chris. Chris has already done some stuff for me. Last weekend we did the pilot for "Daughters of Legend". He's also done a cool episode of DragonManx. He's a fun guy. Easy to work with and easily accessible. We're doing the pilot episode for "SinsofLegend" this weekend. Its gonna be quite an ambitious project I gotta tell you but its a relatively easy script with few actors in it. Now I'm always worried about scheduling because actors can at no moments notice get booked on a bigger budget project....yet I'm mostly worried about post due to some pretty wild special effects work. Did the call sheet yesterday. There are four actors total. Five if you count me. The episode starts with some voiceover from Karter Spellkast. Karter is the son of Devin Spellkast who is the face and driving force behind the SonsofLegend program. Karter and Devin absolutely hate each other because Karter used to be a super villain until something happened that made him change. Karter has now decided to form his own company called "SinsofLegend" which hires security guards who used to be super villains but are now looking for an opportunity to do something better with their lives. The first scene of the episode introduces us to the gangbanger vampire Elliot (He's already appeared in DragonManx) and Angkor (A new character) Angkor wears a blue ring around his neck with power similar to the Green Lanterns but it corrupts like The One Ring so you can use it as long as you basically avoid letting it touch your skin otherwise it'll drive you insanely evil. Angkor's ring was passed down to him from six generations of villains. Angkor is trying to be a good guy because he hates his father who happens to be disgustingly stinking filthy rich. He stole the ring from his family who took it from his dad when he went overboard in his schemes. After six generations of badness Angkor believes he can bring back honor to his family name. Angkor may be bi. Elliot and Angkor come across a fire flinging super villain who steals a mysterious book they are guarding. After a car chase and a spectacular battle which happens in the second scene Elliot and Angkor manage to stop the thief and recover the book. After the credits roll there is a short scene where Karter gives the book to Goyangee (my character) Which explains why Goyangee ends up going to Detroit in his own webseries. In October we're doing a desert type DragonManx scene involving an ancient city being brought up from underground (by the evil reality warping clown Mr. Chiklets and the diabolical psionic Dr. Pernell) to serve as a sort of utopia for gays and lesbians who wish to live in their own society. Like I said there may be a Detroit scene too but I gotta see how my money is looking because I don't wanna break the bank. I'd love to have Goyangee in some sort of love scene because its something we've not really seen yet. But finding a guy to play a love interest has been tough. Why? Well its not hard to find fem type gay actors but the masculine types of guys I tend to find interesting mostly seem to be hiding unless I'm looking in the wrong places. I've used date sites before and recruited folks off the streets. Maybe I need to start going to black mens groups or checking out the clubs. Its easier to approach guys in these types of settings anyway. They do sometimes think you're giving them a line but it helps when you've got some kick ass looking footage up on youtube to show them. And yes I am open to casting a man of another race as a love interest too. Sometimes its easier to deal with gay men who are not African American. I said African American not black in general. In my experience alot of American gay black men can often be kinda mean and have some issues. There is alot of self hate going around in this city too. The way some of these guys look at you. Its almost like "Drop dead" or something. Someone told me recently people seem to act as if you are trying to pick them up if you say hello. Can't speak for anyone else but I always get happy when someone says hello to me. Its actually quite rare. I think sometimes I'm getting used to this and when I go places where people are nice I just don't even know how to process it. Still one can't do a story about a gay character without giving him some kind of a love life. Don't even know how comfortable I'd feel about doing a sex scene. I mean if I had a body like Vin Diesels or Frank Ocean I'd be less self conscious. Plus the first time I did a romantic type scene I got hard and the director laughed at me. I kinda laughed too. Not much. People do want you to have the perfect body in anything these days if you are gonna take off your shirt. Still love scenes can be tastefully done fully clothed. Just kinda move the camera and then fade out when things start to get too hot and heavy. What if I had to do a hot shower scene with Michael Sam,Frank Ocean or Zachary Quinto? John Amaechi? What if it was with all four of them??! Could I cope without "embarrassing" myself? One can only dream. Still what would it do for DragonManx if there was a hot shower scene or any scene for that matter; featuring a well known celebrity and what would be the likelihood of pulling it off? Hmmmmm.... Could be something worth looking into I think.

More than likely the Detroit trip is gonna happen next year around April. Realistically I wanna move into a bigger apartment. We need a bigger space and I am tired of fighting a seemingly never ending battle with unwanted "guests". I mean it was one thing to finally drive off the pigeons who'd taken over my balcony but roaches ain't no joke at all. I've tried just about everything short of hire an exterminator to come in and spray. Thing is there are so many people in the building now and too many don't really seem to care about keeping the place clean as to not attract pests. After living there since Jan 1997 it is definitely time to leave. Spokane is a nice little place not far from Canada or Detroit and I could get a fresh start whilst continuing DragonManx since he's based in Detroit now. These are just some of the things I have to think of. Besides the fact I have a man living with me now who might actually be the last of a hand full of truly romantic LTR oriented gay man left alive in this city. Seriously. Sometimes I don't trust "The Crazy African" but he's reasonable 99% of the time. Taking him with me might not be a good idea if I could support both of us during a transition. Then theres the other thing weighing heavy on my mind. Over time my connections with family have faltered because I've been so focused on my goals yet as time passes I realize....well I realize I need to start spending more time with these people who knew me when. Time to come out of my shell a bit. I think I've proven myself as a man out here in the wilderness. I beat the big bad monster so its time to go back home. Not with quite the prize I imagined but at least I'm not empty handed. Wish I was exaggerating when I say I tend to look away when I see another black guy. And I hate that I feel that way. Its been all over the news recently this Michael Brown issue. As a black man I can certainly relate to the anger of the community. My community? I ofetn don't feel a part of it at all. Even though I have been called an activist of a sort. I know full well what its like to be ordered out of a car at gunpoint by police officers because they thought I was somebody else. I know what its like to be racially profiled. Followed around in stores. Searched because I "looked" suspicious. My struggle isn't all that exclusive yet I feel like I mostly stand apart from my race. Truth be told I tend to feel I stand apart from the human race. Every now and then a news article will pop up or something will remnd me of the goodness humanity is capable of. Like tonight on the news I saw a story about a teacher who ran out of sick days due to her cancer and a bunch of teachers came together to give her their sick days. There is so much evil in this world that sometimes we can lose track of the good. There was a guy on tv some radicals beheaded and I told one of my co-workers when I was her age we never had crazy stuff like that happpening on tv. She said social media makes all these things possible though. People using the media to spread their own brand of cancer I guess. Fear. Hatred. It does seem like so many people are angry too. I remember how fun it was to read comics now so many are dark. It used to be fun to go read news articles and forums on IGN.com but now it like Xbox live and PSN is populated largely by cynical,homophobic racist people all of whom are ANGRY at me because....well because I'm not angry. Well I guess to some degree I am angry. But mostly its anger I learned to channel constructively. Then there are so many people running around with mental issues. Maybe we all are mental yet if something is holding you back on achieving happiness in this world its not really rocket science to go find help for whatever the problem is. Just so many bipolar people and light cases of dementia. Yeah I know who you are even though I don't say anything. (Sigh) We are none of us perfect but for GODs sake either get a bandaid to put on that or get rid of it so the rest of us won't have to suffer. Please. Please?

VENTING.

The adventure continues. The filmmaking adventure anyway. Seems thats one of the few things I do right and that I can take some pride in because consistency has yielded some progression. I know some folks will look at my work thinking its utter crap but I don't really think what I do is crap. Things were certainly alot rougher when I first started but now I'm wiser and (gasp) what do you know....its likely at this point I know what I'm doing. Talk about a road less traveled. My methods haven't been amongst the most conventional yet I've managed to get some decent results. Even if I sacrificed so much for these results. Sacrificed so much in the way of friendships and family relationships. But truth be told over time I'm gotten so tired of people that my ability to interact with them has weakened. Mostly I don't feel I measure up to what others think my life should be. I should be driving. Should have a house. Should have fifty thousand saved up in the bank. Should go to the gym and should not be working as a security guard at age 45. Its weird and even though people might not always say these things I can look in their eyes and see the judgement. Its almost as if they are thinking "What is this creature? How is it even still alive or surviving?" But I am surviving. Maybe I don't have a gym perfect body. Maybe I don't wear the most expensive name brand fashionably accepted clothes/shoes. Still I survive. Still I believe in something bigger than myself that I can have oneday if I just NEVER give up on it even if others will look on without understanding me. Some will try to stop me. Some bring negativity or discouragment and thats okay because they don't know me. Sometimes I feel that this battle of mine to achieve this so elusive goal may eventually take my life but at least I will leave here happy knowing I never gave up. Call me a fool. Spread rumors about me. Try to diagnose me from a distance never volunteering to help. Call me mad if you will. To some degree its true. It is what it is. Some of that madness was put in me by other people. Thats why I struggle with this love hate relationship with the human race. But I'm not really mad at any one. In truth this is who I am supposed to be. This I'll take over being some boring knucklehead running around with no purpose or sense of self. One day I'll be riding that night shift that the commodores sang about. I'm not afraid of the peace awaiting or seeing loved ones I miss so much again. Until that day comes and I am free at last from these confines I will continue to fight for my dreams and my right to be happy here. Maybe its okay most people won't understand or like me. I've learned to deal with the loneliness by burying myself in creation. Especially during those moments when I longed for arms to hug some of the pain away. Those arms still haven't come you know. After 45 years I still feel like that lone gay black man movie character semi-hero who struggles for a cause feeling so much like the outsider many I look up to represent. Ain't gonna lie....sometimes the loneliness is almost too much to bear. I wonder if Robin Williams felt like this. Seriously. If you have never felt REAL depression its no joke at all. I thank my higher power for giving me some kind of strength to keep going. I am so thankful I have a handful of people who have been there to throw a lifeline out at those crucial moments. But most of all I am so thankful for having the creative power of imagination. Yeah it makes me eccentric in so many ways yet its my superpower. It allows me to change my world and even the world around me. The irony of having such a great power is that is that so many of us end up ultimately alone because of it. Some of us can't live with the knowledge of that certainty. I guess Johnny Depp would call me a Mexi-can and not a Mexi-cant.... I have so much work to do.

****

Jay moved in (officially) this week. He came by Monday to help me start moving things around to make room for him. We ended up giving in to passion again even though I said I wouldn't do that again with him because I'm still mad at him for staying away so long. I don't understand how you can say you love someone yet stay away for two weeks. If you live far apart this is understandable but man we live in the same city. He says he doesn't have anyone else but I will never believe him. I don't hate him but I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket if that makes any sense. I can't try and commit to someone I don't trust. Whatever we do have....its definitely something I need because I haven't been able to find anyone else here worth dating....still I'd be a fool to deny we are on borrowed time. There are a couple of other guys who live in other states who have expressed interest in getting to know me better. Mostly I'm intimidated by them because they are more stable in their lives than I am. A couple of people have told me I'm too hard on myself and that I shouldn't judge myself by what other people put out as standards. Some people really have NOTHING but they have a long list of requirements for anyone they might consider going out with. Also someone said by staying away from these guys because I don't feel I'm on their level I'm actually not giving them the chance to decide if they wanna go out with me. But black gay men want you to have your shit together. They do. When you're rolling in the dough and have a fabulous body everyone wants to go out with you. Thats just the way it is. I can't honestly say all black gay men are like that but at least 75% are. The irony of all this is many of these guys are single because they are not really meeting people up to their standards or they are just too dumb to realize none of these things are gonna keep you happy with someone else. The key to any successful relationship is compromise. Sometimes you can actually help a person become that guy you desire. I know. What a concept right?  People just want it right here and right now with no waiting. Maybe they are just too lazy to put in work. A flower does need some watering and fertilizer to grow. (Did I just say fertilizer?)

Jay is a nice guy. He doesn't drive. He doesn't have a million dollars either but he's genuinely cool. I mean to say I have NEVER ever seen this guy lose his temper over ANYTHING. He's pretty funny too. Maybe African men men have super stay in shape powers because with almost no effort many have amazing bodies. Jay is one of those guys. He's got the gift of voice as well which he utilizes in church pretty frequently. Its certainly a complex situation I've gotten into with this devilishly handsome dark skinned Christmas baby. Yep he was born Dec 25th. Jay is still getting his life together after leaving Liberia under threat of murder for being gay. It took two years for him to finally get working papers and now he recently got a California ID. Right now he's working at a restaurant that works him so much he barely has any time to himself. Letting him move in will definitely help me out alot financially. Even though I'm not sure how long this will last. Moving out of Cali is still something I think about constantly. Right now I have my eye on a place called Spokane. I think I'll take it over Canada and Detroit. Gotta go over there to see what the job prospects are. Its possible maybe Jay can come with me. This whole make a living off film is taking longer than I would like. Seriously. Yet I realize I don't need to live here in Cali or even in Detroit to work on two webseries that take place in these areas. Honestly I have wondered about ending the webseries. Recently I had some footage shot that will introduce two new concepts. "SinsofLegend" and "Daughters of Legend".  One will be a short film and one a full length. Both will be aimed at film festivals. I think Sins will be about 45 minutes long and Daughters of Legend will be the full length because I have a pretty big story planned for that. Keeping my two webseries going is expensive plus it has not yielded any financial rewards. Yes it has put me out there and introduced people to the universe I'm trying to build but perhaps I can simply move the storylines into the other more potentially profitable projects. Who am I kidding. These other projects HAVE to be profitable. Its not like I have an unending supply of moolah. In a perfect world I would just keep doing both webseries and pay someone else to make the other films. This makes me wanna try crowdfunding again. This type of thing failed me already too many times so the thing to do might be to bring in someone else to handle the campaigns. Theres a guy named Jake who worked as a PA with me I've been talking to about coming on to help out with writing and the more business end of things. Jake kinda looks like Quentin Tarantino. Man it would be something to get someone like Quentin Tarantino,Guillermo Del Toro or Robert Rodrigues working on one of my projects. I'd also like to work with Eli Roth. Spike Lee too even though I worry he might be mean. Spielberg,Lucas and Coppolla are also on my list. Geez I can only imagine how much my concepts would soar under their direction/guidance. Danielzilla seems to be doing a great job of fixing the things wrong with SonsofLegend but man is it hard to deal with him at times. The man may well be a genius at what he does but I have NEVER met anyone who makes me as crazy as he does. On set sometimes he's difficult too. We have gotten into some arguments that made me say I'm never gonna work with this guy again. But I go back because he is awesome as an editor and I love what he brings to my series. I think he represents (in on a larger scale than I'd like to admit) the audience I need to win over with my work. Sometimes in life you have to take the good with the bad. I've yet to meet the person who is perfect. Mostly I suck at dealing with people outside of my projects and its even worse dealing with difficult personalities. The only way I've learned to deal with such individuals is by simply keeping them at a distance in your life. No matter how much we may ultimately love them.

My birthday is coming up on the 15th. I've no idea what I'm doing. It was my plan to take a trip to Detroit to do some filming but I'm having to accept that trip will have to wait till my moolah is better. Probably Around October. Maybe I'll go see the new Ninja Turtles film. Jay mentioned wanting to do something but I've not put alot of stock in that as he has disappointed me so many times in the past. If I'm gonna end up being alone on my birthday I'd rather it not be a surprise you know? This has happened alot lately....spending holidays alone. After awhile you kinda get used to it. Then when you get numb you don't really care if the girlfriend or boyfriend isn't around. There was a time when I was very much in serious like with Jay. I love him but I'm not in love with him. Maybe I was at one time but now it seems a lost memory. I think I have a better chance of spending my birthday with Frank Ocean/Michael Sams than Jay. No joke. Because if his job calls he will be there. I don't think he's really aware I could actually meet someone else at any moment and it would potentially change things in an instant. It bothers me that he seems to almost not care enough to fight for us. Moving in with me might simply be a means to an end. Like a convenient business arrangement. He's such a mystery to me no matter how much we talk. Maybe I should just try to get out of town for awhile to clear my head. I have to go to DMV to renew my California ID and I also have to renew my guard card this week. This I'll probably do tomorrow when I get off work. Last time I was at DMV Michael Jackson had died and they were showing the funeral live on Hulu. I was in and out of that place so quickly I couldn't believe it. Maybe they were all home watching the funeral? Usually it takes forever to get out of there so I'll make sure to bring at least one of my portable game devices with me. As for Aug 15th I should do something special for myself and not depend on someone else to contribute anything. So what to do? Shit I wish I could afford to get an Xbox One! Maybe I should get a nice hotel room and do something wild and freaky with a sexy total stranger then we could fall asleep in each others arms watching a horror movie....

Happy Birthday in advance to me.

Up All Night With So Much On My Mind And El Debarge Is The Deejay

Top Bottom Dilemna:

WOMAN INSIDE ME

When you walked into the room

I tried to meet your gaze

And when our eyes met

You looked right through me

Like you knew me.

I suppose you did

To you I was

Just another stupid bottom

Who mistook you to be a top.

How couldn’t I?

Inside I cried so much

That this tall bald

Dark Chocolate

Epitome of what my senses registered as masculinity

Was interested in the same thing as I.

You came across like a mans man

Even smelled for the most part like a mans man

Guess I overlooked

The shiny lips

The perfectly manicured and (clear) polished nails.

Somehow you manage to dial back those feminine characteristics.

Probably a survival mechanism.

So you came over  to watch scandal

Then came the tickling match

And I found out how STRONG you are

Then I found out how good a kisser you are too!

Surprised the hell out of me

Never thought in a million years

(even though I dreamt about it)

That you would be there

On top of me

Holding me tightly from behind

Making those manly noises

And blowning my mind

With unbridled lovemaking passion.

Fuck that.

You fucked the shit out of me

Blew my back out

Left me breathless

Trembling

A victim of true ghetto love.

Who knew? Right?

I should have known to follow my better instincts

And put a stop to that madness when you first held me

When I first looked into your eyes

And held on to those muscles

As you started entering me.

But I didn’t put a stop to the madness

And I gotta live every day of my life knowing

We can never go there again

(because you barely above a whisper told me in my ear near the start of that trip)

We can never go there again because

Even though on the outside you look

Very much the man

On the inside living inside you

Is a woman.

That woman was inside me last night man

Giving me life altering pleasure

Now she done snatched it away.

Last night I had a woman inside me

And I hate her.

I can’t have you.

----

Crazed White Stalker Dilemna:

Boy I could have loved you

I think so.

Ya just had to go and mess it up

Talking dirty to me

Like I know you

When you don’t know me.

Come on.

What the hell ails YOU???

No tact

No respect

No consideration

That I might not be some

HO or sexual object for your amusement.

Do you have any real friends at all and have you had a lover before?

One gets the idea you have no social skills.

Boy I could have loved you.

I thinks so.

For reals though.

Lets be real

As many white guys hit on me

One starts to wonder if its just

The writing on the wall.

That smile

That hairy chest

Those eyes that seem to sparkle everytime I’d see you on skype.

But you blew it

With your creepy unwanted advances.

Now you’re just another blocked Facebook fiend.

I really wanted to give you a chance.

----

Soul Brother Dilemna:

Your walk is rhythm

Your voice is

Gold

Red velvet cake

Sexy jazz

People passing out at Michael Jackson concert.

Light skinned brother from another…state/city/country…

WHO are you?

I see you every day.

And I know it sounds incredibly cliché

But ya don’t even know I exist.

No you don’t.

There was a time I might have said something to you man

But now the confidence is shaken.

So much damn rejection

Therefore I do absolutely nothing other than simply watch you walk in and out of my life

Over and over again.

In my minds eye we are lovers you know?

In my mind we are often in some far off place

On a dancefloor

In each others arms

Slow dancing

Building in tempo

You step to the music

Gliding really

I try to follow but man

You’re the one

who actually bothered

To teach me how to dance.

Its crazy that I don’t even have to close my eyes to remember how it felt

When you brushed up against me in the train station

Warm fuzzy steel hardness

Still recall the brief gaze

the smell of your cologne.

What fragrance was it?

So strong is it all in my mind

That place where we share something special.

The place where we

break break early

jog together everyday

Then usually we

fall asleep

Next to each other

Often holding each other

All night.

While your slight snoring lulls me to gradual slumber.

Man I am way too chickenshit to ever say anything to you in real life.

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I have Sade on plus its raining outside right now and I welcome it because...well because usually the streets are not so full of people. I like having the streets to myself. Most of the time. Alot has happened since last I wrote anything here. Can't say I haven't wanted to write anything since then. Perhaps I have to reach a point where the words just need to erupt out of me. Like a volcano. I have gone through some changes. In so many ways I experienced a breakdown. I lost my mind just so I could find it again I guess. Yep I have gone through some dark periods in my life recently. And its crazy because there was really no one there to help me thru it. Yeah I do have a few people in my life who I probably should have called and yeah I do have some spirituality and then theres always the music,the videogames and the all powerful netflix but it could be said that maybe there comes a time when you have to face certain things alone. I didn't even put out a new episode of my webseries. Usually that chases the blues away nicely. I think my brain needed to reboot itself and I had to ride with it even if I didn't know what was going on. I wondered if it were mid-life crisis. A general sense of EVERYTHING being wrong but theres no clear solution in sight. I'll go on record as saying sex or masturbation tends to knock the wind out of these feelings yet its only a temporary fix because for all intents and purposes I am single. The man who says he loves me....well I am lucky if I see him once a week. I mean....if one spends so much time sleeping alone whats the point in even trying to claim you have a relationship? I often think he is someone I could actually marry. No lie. But if one keeps saying they love you and the actions don't coincide....then the mind starts to wonder and wander. And yes I have TRIED so hard to find someone else to make me forget about dude but as far as i know there is NOONE. Because lets face it....most gay men seem to be HOES. Seriously. We are often married to the gym and our bodies....our cars....our independence. I mean...when you look good and you can have sex with or be worshipped by pretty much anybody with eyes to see your perfect body and smile why settle for just one person right? Of course the perspective seems to change as one starts to get older. That shit is so depressing. Seeing others get old and die around you. Hearing on the news about people dying all the time. Accidents. Terrorist attacks. The frequency of it all can actually be scary. I think it is during these moments (when one is sober) the concept of being alone starts to weigh in. You can actually be in a crowd of perfect people who seem to be exactly what you want and you can still feel ultimately ALONE. I think its strange that most humans have to live about 60 years before they start to really understand this. The one universal thing. No one wants to be alone. And most certainly no one wants to die alone. But that could very well be the reward one recieves from a life spent pushing others away and breaking hearts or just in general being mean to others. Not trusting anyone. I can't be that guy. I can't be him because I look around and I see him everywhere I look. I think we are all in a rush to be like each other because its all we know. You gotta act a certain way. Dress a certain way. If somebody tells a joke....well you can laugh but you have to play it cool and not really laugh. Some people I know will hear or see you do something genuinely funny and their reaction is simply some sort of smirk and the remark "You're retarded" I'm not kidding. Thats how they laugh. It could be that many people are mentally stunted in some way. Some people are serious all the time because they never had a childhood or they were in some cases forced to grow up very quickly as they had to take care of someone else. Its like in the Matrix when Morpheus told Neo "You can tell something is wrong with the world". You don't know what it is but you can just feel it. This is why I have to move out of California.
My world just feels wrong. Maybe this is what makes people quit their million dollar jobs and get a small cabin out in the woods somewhere where they can re-connect with nature. Socially I have been a recluse the past few years. Maybe I have always been a recluse. I have had some good friends for sure but when i try to think of the last one I had the memory fluctuates a bit. There was George but I have not seen him in almost ten years. He had a crystal meth problem and just seemed to fade out of my life. Georgezilla was like a brother to me I called his mother mama too. There was Louis but Louis moved to Compton and bought a house. Now he lives with his woman and a few dogs. We talk once in awhile but...its not like how it used to be you know? I was close with Havier but we used to date centuries ago and he started REALLY getting annoying in that he woulnd't stop flirting with me even though I repeatedly told him the attraction for him just wasn't there anymore. "L" My surrogate father figure is still very much a big part of my life even though we have grown somewhat distant over the years. But since he got a roommate his need for more privacy put an end to my frequent visits plus our schedules are so uncanny planning get togethers is almost impossible. I rarely get visits from anyone anymore either other than "The Crazy African" Thats my nickname for the guy I'm currently seeing. My place used to be alot tidier too even though I have ALOT of shit up in that tiny bachelor pad. But when I'm going thru stuff I just kinda let stuff pile up. I go thru periods where its not that I don't care but I just have an issue finding the right motivation to clean up. So thats part of my hermit existence. The other part is the whole breakdown thing. I will try to explain this as best as I can. Basically I went thru a tough time with my self esteem because of some harrassment I had to deal with on a constant basis with people who lived next door to me. This is something that went on for years. Even trying to get the managment and police involved didn't help. I think they just burned themselves out or got bored because I just stopped reacting to them and focused on other things like my webseries and learned to tune them out. Spiritually this would have probably caused any other person to snap and I had to resist VERY dark thoughts of retaliation but the fallout of all this is I keep more to myself and have developed some distrust of middle eastern women. I have only now just started getting back to my old self. Well not exactly the old me but I am going out more and my nerves don't seem as frazzled anymore. Having a boyfriend and friends helps keep me sane and when I am working on projects I am so focused on it I tune out most other things going on around me.
So right now I don't really have much in the way of friends outside of when I am working on projects. The boyfriend is really the only person I have regular contact with. I have been so out of touch with family because I was so into doing my own thing that now I wonder if any of these damaged relationships can be repaired. In so many ways I was reacting to people around me you know? So used to people not calling me that I stopped calling other people. So used to not fitting in or being invited anywhere I just retreated iside my own little world because I felt this is the way its supposed to be. But maybe it isn't. If you spend alot of time with emotionally damaged people who may have difficuly in social interactions its easy to pick up some of the behavior and assume everyone is like this. Its also easy to be anti-social when you are over burdened with school,work and family obligations. You tend to only socialize when its arranged or convenient. The truth of the matter may be that I need to fire everyone I call a friend or just call them associates from now on. None of the people I work with or who have worked on projects with me have ever said "Sergio lets go grab a bite to eat or maybe go see a movie" Not a one. No one ever hangs out with me to play videogames either. Even attempts to get others involved in doing some cool youtube projects fell thru. I think I am surrounded by a bunch of people who are afraid to let anyone get close to them for whatever reason. I have found myself becoming just like them. Is it cool to be the loner? Is this really who I am though? I can't live my life being just a reaction to my environment. I gotta go find a place where there are good people who haven't lost touch with what it means to be uncorrupted by this world. Is there such a place outside of memories of what was? Moving would mean starting over again. Goodbye to decent job with awesome benefits. Goodbye to (mostly) good weather daily. Goodbye to some good contacts who are good at making movies! Moving is certainly in the cards for me. Maybe sooner than later depending when I can actually start saving up money for it. Just better make sure I am more prepared for this move than I was for the last one I undertook....