11:30ishpm-12:30amish)
(Listening to "All the feels" playlist on Spotify. Its really cool kinda moody neo-soul grooves that perfectly mirrors my mood right now)
Been awhile but today was one of those days where I needed to put my thoughts here so I could process everything. So here goes.... I was on Facebook earlier today when I saw a message from a cousin telling me to call home and call my father. It was urgent with exclamation marks so call I did and I got some heartbreaking news from my father. He said "You lost a little sister today" I think my brain just imploded at the speed of light or something. He then told me she'd passed in her house and they'd had to break in because she was not reachable and it raised flags. I could hear the pain in my fathers voice. Truthfully I'd never heard him sound like this but then again he just lost his sister like a week ago. My aunt "Roquamae" (You know I have nicknames for everyone) I am still trying to process the death of a woman who really was like another mother to me when I was coming up. Also I was just coming down from a headache that bothered me for days. I went to Kaiser yesterday and they gave me a shot (in the a$$!) that really didn't do much. Thankfully the medicine they prescribed eventually seemed to knock it out.
Krystal and I were not particularly close and me moving away didn't really help. Just like Joshua she and I would talk every now and then. We had great conversations but then life would happen and we'd fall out of touch again. Over the years like her mom and a cousin I lost she had a bunch of health problems. Diabetes. Headaches and black outs. Transplants that didn't work and when I talk to my mother some of her words of comfort were that Krystal wasn't suffering anymore. Its true thats for sure and the way this world is now....I mean I miss all my loved ones who have passed on yet there is so much pain in this world that they are free from now. I have some vivid memories of Krystal. Once she saw me making the bed and said I was making it up "like a woman" I think I may have asked her how should a guy do it but then again I doubt she ever actually saw my father or any other guy make up a bed. Geraldine always did that stuff. But you can kinda understand how I often feel worlds apart from some of my family back east. Certain ways of thinking and some limited understanding of the world due to not really going far enough from the nest. I have to admit after losing folks you start to realize how precious time is and you understand the importance of keeping in touch with family. Maybe even forgiving folks huh? Maybe even forgiving yourself.....
I already called my job. Let them know I would need to take some time off. Headache had me out a few days and I am sure my sick days are out but they give us 5 days bereavement time so I am gonna take that and go home for the funeral. I haven't been home since like early 2000-ish and now its time. My nephew told me how much it would mean for my father to see me and I remember years back Dad was disappointed I missed Graham Crackers funeral (Gandma Mary) I am gonna be up all night as usual so Ima check on some flights. Guess theres not much I can do until they give me a date for Krystals funeral. Honestly 2020 up to now has felt like some strange largely unpleasant dream which refuses to end. No it hasn't been all bad but having to wear masks all the time added to how weird and on edge folks have been acting added to all the craziness at work and the ever growing homeless problem here in LA....I suppose it makes sense how strange I have been feeling these last few months particularly. I'm not even gonna get into trying to move past getting kicked out of the center one day when I stayed over upstairs or that pretty devastating situation with me and a certain guard I work with that happened last year. (He accidentally let a homeless guy into the parking lot last week that we had to call the cops on. They never came!) Also another guy who works in another dept I've known for years isn't speaking to me and when I asked him what was goin on he said there was no problem. I've also noticed other folks have been distant as if someone has spread some awful rumor or something. I know I shouldn't worry so much about what others think and I try to stay focused on my goals. I need to get back to speaking with my therapist more often. Journaling as she suggested helps in addition to working on projects and keeping my brain entertained/stimulated but we all eventually need to talk with someone. Well we should.
