"BIG ASS PINK ELEPHANT IN THE DAMN ROOM"
I am gay
sorta bi
lover of animals
and have not (completely) given up on the humans.
I am gay
sorta bi
never been with a woman
although peer pressure sought to drive me there
plus I actually pay for music,movies and comics. (Do you?)
You are
trans
you say your walk is like mine.
But is it really?
Some trans distance themselves from the gay community
saying you are not really a part of this community
yet suddenly I see
"black trans lives matter" everywhere.
What kind of a movement is this
or are you trying to jump on board the train?
I am gay
sorta bi
all writer
and I draw (sometimes)
You can say I fit in many communities
and I get that men in dresses who identify as women have done so much for us
long before body parts were being taken away and rearranged
but what were you doing all these years when
black men were being hung
burnt and terrorized
dragged behind cars
beaten and deformed
stopped at gun point because they supposedly looked like so-and-so
handcuffed for broken tail lights and left to rot in jail?
I am gay
sorta bi
certainly weird
and possibly addicted to pop culture
plus I believe in little green men too!
I fit in a number of tribes
even though I often feel I don't fit in these places
because I don't think like they all do
and I call folks out on BS when I see it....
Now I ain't trying to make nobody mad
Still....
I want you to think about some of what you say you're about
So.....
I gotta ask....
if black lives matter
why the hell ain't nobody protesting
how many black folks die at the hands of
other black folks
-EVERY FUCKING DAY-???!?
What about the drugs and gangs running rampant in our communities?
Kids have to be exposed to that shit eryday (not a mispelling yet I bet you noticed it and turn a blind eye to other more important issues)
In some parts of the world kids gotta dodge bullets and step over bodies on their way to school
and folks be getting killed for havin opinions or speakin out about injustices
Why ain't nobody protestin that shit?
Worldwide even.
Because that shit ain't right.
What kind of sentient beings are you?
What kind of politically driven agenda webs are ya'll weaving here?
And please STOP saying "ALL LIVES MATTER" just to piss people off
because you're really not helping the situation.
If you really want to make a difference and show us how objective you can be
just put your money where your mouth is.
Sunday, August 23, 2020
Confessions of a sad superhero book 21
"Fish out of water syndrome"
At work the other night I expressed concern to a certain co-worker about making sure the other guard got his break. We are usually short a guard and have to make sure the other officer gets a break. This was passed down to us by our bosses. Now when I spoke to my co-worker about looking out for the other guard his reaction kinda threw me. Stuff like "Oh well" and "Its not my responsibility to look out for somebody else" But it kinda is up to us to look out for each other and cover each others backs. There have even been times when we have had to go looking for him when he fell asleep somewhere and I even went out of my way to help him get to work once. I usually share if I order pizza and there have been numerous times when other guards or even other depts have gone out of their way to give us food. I think its safe to say most of us have gone to the store and brought back stuff for others because they asked. So theres that. Sometimes I just get reminders that some of the folks I deal with on the daily are only out for self and they have some personality quirks I need to distance myself from. How can you get right mentally when all you are around is folks with tons of mental issues which would not be tolerated in a healthy environment? Perhaps dude was just tired and didn't really mean what he said. I do however get this feeling that he kinda holds back on being nice.
I thought it might be because he knows I like him (Not nearly as much as I once did mind you) So to some folks if they are too nice they figure it might give you this false idea of hope (I think) He didn't come in to work last night because of a car issue and I thought about helping him as I did before. Then I thought about what he said about not being responsible for anyone else. So I didn't do anything. Honestly it was cool that he wasn't there last night because I didn't have to do patrols or have to deal with him cranking the heat up or how awkward things can be between us at times. Like sometimes he imitates things I do. I suppose he's doing these things subconsciously. Listening to music. Playing it loud. Coming to the console and leaving when I haven't finished packing my stuff for rotation. As if he doesn't want to be near me. Being tethered to his laptop. There are other things he does too and no I'm not saying he's a bad person. I do think he is his own worse enemy though and getting that dog might have been him just giving up on having any real meaningful intimate relations with people. Also it drives me crazy he's abandoned his musical gifts. I don't believe he will ever really do anything with it. Going to the gym and getting in shape....shutting people out is only the equivalent of sweeping shit under the rug when the solution to your misery is daring to believe in and pursuing your dream. Everything else is just a place holder.
I think its ironic being around people you could actually be a power couple with and build an empire with but they would rather reject you for mediocrity or what they believe is what they want/need or should have as dictated by society. Much of the time I look in the mirror and I see a guy many would reject because of body type. No car. No college degree. Arsty fartsy minded. Many might think I'm unrealistic with my dreams or goals. Guys have straight out dropped out of a conversation once they found out I was into comic books. I don't know that I am really the most fashionable. Its a struggle at times with the self esteem. I try to avoid certain situations due to anxiety and the occasional panic attack although they have gotten rare nowadays.
I keep hearing how weird is cool and folks are free to be themselves or celebrated for their weirdness. Sometimes people do treat you like something is wrong with you if you don't conform to what society believes to be normal no matter what we are fed by the media. People still get bullied or picked on for being different. Even in the gay community. Hell sometimes I still deal with folks who come for me just because they feel they can. Its terrible at 51 to have an enemy (enemies) who constantly taunts you. Its the type of thing that can stunt your growth or turn you into a damn psycho if you're not careful.
I'd love to meet someone I am mentally and physically into who would just walk over and say "He man we have so much in common. Lets team up and make something special together" But noone seems to do that anymore. They look at your imperfections not understanding maybe they can help you as you would help them balance out things by complimenting each others strengths and weaknesses. It does not escape me I might meet someone who is perfect for me yet lacking in some areas I can assist them in. Its interesting most other people don't think this way. To me thats the only logical way of thinking and it could be the key to strong lasting LTRs. You look at a person and maybe you are only focusing on what they don't have as opposed to their strengths. Maybe you can help them on the areas they lack and they can do the same for you. ??? When did people lose the ability to think outside themselves or to be genuinely community-minded?
My life hasn't been perfect and I have done some things that bother me. But I have transformed alot over the years. A sense of honor and a strong moral code has been built up largely due to comics and the fact my family helped instill in me values as well as a good sense of what is right or wrong. This brain of mine has expanded absorbing so much data that at times it feels as if I am flying over most of humanity in advancements. Yes of course theres room for improvements yet I can easily outpace most around me in conversation and knowledge of things. So again I come back to this thought.... What would my life be like right now if my parents had been able to identify the unique qualities I possess and were able to put me in a relatively stress free nurturing environment designed to stimulate and encourage a sensitive (potentially genius) artistic mind? What kind of person would I be without all the emotional trauma I'm walking around with because of suffering at the hands of truly horrible and deranged folks? I know people say you are exactly where you are supposed to be yet I keep feeling Sergio is supposed to be stronger, happier and more accomplished than this. I feel sometimes like a crab in a pot. A plant without enough water trying to spread roots in dry ass concrete soil. If I looked in a magic mirror to see the Sergio who hadn't endured so many fucked up individuals who would I see?
At work the other night I expressed concern to a certain co-worker about making sure the other guard got his break. We are usually short a guard and have to make sure the other officer gets a break. This was passed down to us by our bosses. Now when I spoke to my co-worker about looking out for the other guard his reaction kinda threw me. Stuff like "Oh well" and "Its not my responsibility to look out for somebody else" But it kinda is up to us to look out for each other and cover each others backs. There have even been times when we have had to go looking for him when he fell asleep somewhere and I even went out of my way to help him get to work once. I usually share if I order pizza and there have been numerous times when other guards or even other depts have gone out of their way to give us food. I think its safe to say most of us have gone to the store and brought back stuff for others because they asked. So theres that. Sometimes I just get reminders that some of the folks I deal with on the daily are only out for self and they have some personality quirks I need to distance myself from. How can you get right mentally when all you are around is folks with tons of mental issues which would not be tolerated in a healthy environment? Perhaps dude was just tired and didn't really mean what he said. I do however get this feeling that he kinda holds back on being nice.
I thought it might be because he knows I like him (Not nearly as much as I once did mind you) So to some folks if they are too nice they figure it might give you this false idea of hope (I think) He didn't come in to work last night because of a car issue and I thought about helping him as I did before. Then I thought about what he said about not being responsible for anyone else. So I didn't do anything. Honestly it was cool that he wasn't there last night because I didn't have to do patrols or have to deal with him cranking the heat up or how awkward things can be between us at times. Like sometimes he imitates things I do. I suppose he's doing these things subconsciously. Listening to music. Playing it loud. Coming to the console and leaving when I haven't finished packing my stuff for rotation. As if he doesn't want to be near me. Being tethered to his laptop. There are other things he does too and no I'm not saying he's a bad person. I do think he is his own worse enemy though and getting that dog might have been him just giving up on having any real meaningful intimate relations with people. Also it drives me crazy he's abandoned his musical gifts. I don't believe he will ever really do anything with it. Going to the gym and getting in shape....shutting people out is only the equivalent of sweeping shit under the rug when the solution to your misery is daring to believe in and pursuing your dream. Everything else is just a place holder.
I think its ironic being around people you could actually be a power couple with and build an empire with but they would rather reject you for mediocrity or what they believe is what they want/need or should have as dictated by society. Much of the time I look in the mirror and I see a guy many would reject because of body type. No car. No college degree. Arsty fartsy minded. Many might think I'm unrealistic with my dreams or goals. Guys have straight out dropped out of a conversation once they found out I was into comic books. I don't know that I am really the most fashionable. Its a struggle at times with the self esteem. I try to avoid certain situations due to anxiety and the occasional panic attack although they have gotten rare nowadays.
I keep hearing how weird is cool and folks are free to be themselves or celebrated for their weirdness. Sometimes people do treat you like something is wrong with you if you don't conform to what society believes to be normal no matter what we are fed by the media. People still get bullied or picked on for being different. Even in the gay community. Hell sometimes I still deal with folks who come for me just because they feel they can. Its terrible at 51 to have an enemy (enemies) who constantly taunts you. Its the type of thing that can stunt your growth or turn you into a damn psycho if you're not careful.
I'd love to meet someone I am mentally and physically into who would just walk over and say "He man we have so much in common. Lets team up and make something special together" But noone seems to do that anymore. They look at your imperfections not understanding maybe they can help you as you would help them balance out things by complimenting each others strengths and weaknesses. It does not escape me I might meet someone who is perfect for me yet lacking in some areas I can assist them in. Its interesting most other people don't think this way. To me thats the only logical way of thinking and it could be the key to strong lasting LTRs. You look at a person and maybe you are only focusing on what they don't have as opposed to their strengths. Maybe you can help them on the areas they lack and they can do the same for you. ??? When did people lose the ability to think outside themselves or to be genuinely community-minded?
My life hasn't been perfect and I have done some things that bother me. But I have transformed alot over the years. A sense of honor and a strong moral code has been built up largely due to comics and the fact my family helped instill in me values as well as a good sense of what is right or wrong. This brain of mine has expanded absorbing so much data that at times it feels as if I am flying over most of humanity in advancements. Yes of course theres room for improvements yet I can easily outpace most around me in conversation and knowledge of things. So again I come back to this thought.... What would my life be like right now if my parents had been able to identify the unique qualities I possess and were able to put me in a relatively stress free nurturing environment designed to stimulate and encourage a sensitive (potentially genius) artistic mind? What kind of person would I be without all the emotional trauma I'm walking around with because of suffering at the hands of truly horrible and deranged folks? I know people say you are exactly where you are supposed to be yet I keep feeling Sergio is supposed to be stronger, happier and more accomplished than this. I feel sometimes like a crab in a pot. A plant without enough water trying to spread roots in dry ass concrete soil. If I looked in a magic mirror to see the Sergio who hadn't endured so many fucked up individuals who would I see?
Thursday, August 20, 2020
Confessions of a sad superhero book 20
"COMPUTER BLUES"
Had quite the day today. I bought my small little Lenova laptop I bought years ago to replace the Toshiba one that Ezequiel helped me get (which ended up getting stolen in Detroit) I bought the Lenova for $139.00 and thought I was getting a good deal. Of course if I knew then how little you can do with 32 gigs of storage I would not have bought it. Now I have been struggling for awhile trying to find a solution to the lack of storage space and the fact the computer wouldn't allow me to do any updates even with external storage. So last night I was trying to trouble shoot and had finally reached the point where I was just gonna retire the kid in my locker but lo and behold in walks Kernel the resident computer genius guy (who I have always found to be cute in that rugged kind of way) My co-worker Wendell-Thanos was like "Heres the man you need to talk to" So I explained my computer woes because I really did not wanna abandon the laptop that had kept me afloat during some crazy times. Kernel told me to come around to his office so I went and got the laptop out of my locker. I'd just put her in there moments earlier. Kernel looked her over and determined the problem. There was literally no more space left and some hidden files were causing all the problems. Kernel spent hours trouble shooting until we were able to finally free up enough onboard space to wipe the system and start over again. Then after downloading the new windows we spent hours doing updates. I didn't get out of here (I'm at work now) until almost 11am and I was so tired I went straight to sleep after I got home. Its so amazing though to have my Lenova back functioning as if she were a brand new computer all over again. Kernel saved me alot of trouble and he provided a valuable service to me. I was actually gonna call on the dude who helped me add more storage and memory to my MSI baby that I'm on now. He's my gaming laptop. I'm kinda on the fence about whether or not I even need to invest in a next gen console (PS5 or more than likely XBOX) when I have a perfectly capable $800.00 powerhouse who can run all those upcoming games. One of the cool things about gaming laptops nowadays is that you can either upgrade or simply install drivers to insure you have all the features to run the games. Plus with cloud gaming rapidly becoming a thing it can be said current owners of hardware might not ever need to buy anything else. With cloud gaming the heavy lifting is being done elsewhere so you can have even a shitty old computer and still be able to play super high Def Call of Duty in 3-D. (Mostly true) The games are actually streaming to you from another location like you would stream a Netflix movie. Thats the direction the gaming industry is heading. Some folks don't like it and I understand as I like owning my stuff without being so dependent on the internet. When you have a physical copy you own it as long as your machine can play it. You could concieveably maintain hardware forever if you take good care of it. Most people do not. The downside to "owning" and streaming digital media is you face the possibility of losing it if for whatever reason you lose internet access or the content becomes unavailable to redownload and you don't have it backed up somewhere. (Ask me how I know!) Sometimes companies lose licenses or disputes happen. Etc. Its kind of a mess. Well I am going to enjoy telling this little adventure to my shrink later. I also need to start writing stuff in my little composition notebook. She thinks its a good idea to write things down.
Had quite the day today. I bought my small little Lenova laptop I bought years ago to replace the Toshiba one that Ezequiel helped me get (which ended up getting stolen in Detroit) I bought the Lenova for $139.00 and thought I was getting a good deal. Of course if I knew then how little you can do with 32 gigs of storage I would not have bought it. Now I have been struggling for awhile trying to find a solution to the lack of storage space and the fact the computer wouldn't allow me to do any updates even with external storage. So last night I was trying to trouble shoot and had finally reached the point where I was just gonna retire the kid in my locker but lo and behold in walks Kernel the resident computer genius guy (who I have always found to be cute in that rugged kind of way) My co-worker Wendell-Thanos was like "Heres the man you need to talk to" So I explained my computer woes because I really did not wanna abandon the laptop that had kept me afloat during some crazy times. Kernel told me to come around to his office so I went and got the laptop out of my locker. I'd just put her in there moments earlier. Kernel looked her over and determined the problem. There was literally no more space left and some hidden files were causing all the problems. Kernel spent hours trouble shooting until we were able to finally free up enough onboard space to wipe the system and start over again. Then after downloading the new windows we spent hours doing updates. I didn't get out of here (I'm at work now) until almost 11am and I was so tired I went straight to sleep after I got home. Its so amazing though to have my Lenova back functioning as if she were a brand new computer all over again. Kernel saved me alot of trouble and he provided a valuable service to me. I was actually gonna call on the dude who helped me add more storage and memory to my MSI baby that I'm on now. He's my gaming laptop. I'm kinda on the fence about whether or not I even need to invest in a next gen console (PS5 or more than likely XBOX) when I have a perfectly capable $800.00 powerhouse who can run all those upcoming games. One of the cool things about gaming laptops nowadays is that you can either upgrade or simply install drivers to insure you have all the features to run the games. Plus with cloud gaming rapidly becoming a thing it can be said current owners of hardware might not ever need to buy anything else. With cloud gaming the heavy lifting is being done elsewhere so you can have even a shitty old computer and still be able to play super high Def Call of Duty in 3-D. (Mostly true) The games are actually streaming to you from another location like you would stream a Netflix movie. Thats the direction the gaming industry is heading. Some folks don't like it and I understand as I like owning my stuff without being so dependent on the internet. When you have a physical copy you own it as long as your machine can play it. You could concieveably maintain hardware forever if you take good care of it. Most people do not. The downside to "owning" and streaming digital media is you face the possibility of losing it if for whatever reason you lose internet access or the content becomes unavailable to redownload and you don't have it backed up somewhere. (Ask me how I know!) Sometimes companies lose licenses or disputes happen. Etc. Its kind of a mess. Well I am going to enjoy telling this little adventure to my shrink later. I also need to start writing stuff in my little composition notebook. She thinks its a good idea to write things down.
Wednesday, August 19, 2020
Confessions of a sad superhero book 19
I went to North Dakota to see "Captain Liberia" for a little birthday getaway. I think it was something I needed to do. I needed to get out of LA for a minute and I needed to just see what kind of connection I still have with this guy. As it stands I think the flame between us has dimmed. He piucked the worst possible moment to tell me he'd been with someone else and it was in that moment I came to realize and accept we are NOT on the same page romantically. Maybe the truth is we've never really been and I have just been blinded to it but for sometime now I have felt things were not going to end well with me and "Captain Liberia" I mean....honestly things are crazy right now with his life. Money is tight because his three daughters are living with him. One is special needs. Also he's is school and working almost all the time. Emotionally he has really nothing to give to anyone who wants a relationship. So the trip while kinda sobering wasn't a waste. I guess what I'm trying to say is I now know for sure where we stand and I am free with the knowledge I did try to love this man. The writing was on the wall and its time to move on. Although I suppose we will always be friends. I have no idea when we will see each other again.
It was strange being on the plane and they didn't offer any food. Everyone was wearing a mask and most people seemed to be sitting spaced apart. The middle plane seats as far as I could see were empty. Social distancing they call it. I found it kinda hard to breathe with that damn mask on. At one point I think I had some sort of panic attack when I tried to go to sleep with eye covers on. I had to sit up and take them off and sorta pull the mask back a bit so I could breathe easier. You find yourself stifling coughs or sneezes and whenever someone else coughs or sneezes you can just feel the energy change in the room.
Coming back to work was weird. A co-worker who normally seems mostly cool basically started tripping because I guess he felt I should relieve him since I was onsite early. That was the other day. Then when I came in to this shift a co-worker who has always been kinda weird and stand-offish with me even when he seems cool walked away when I asked him if he could hand me some keys. About two weeks ago a lady co-worker tried to put me on blast on the walkie talkie about abreviating her name and I was like why do you have to say that over the radio where everybody can hear it? Of course there was no response. I find myself getting pissed and really wondering if I am gonna be able to stay on this job with some of these people but then I remind myself that alot of folks that work in particular fields or at night lack certain social skills and some folks here are ghetto as hell with seemingly no home training in etiquette or how to communicate. Then some people just want to lash out at the nice guy who seems happy all the time like a big kid (when he's really a grown ass man with his own problems to worry about) Sometimes I get the idea some people might even feel threatened by me or envious but whatever. On top of that a certain person here will sit with his heater on him all night even when the thermostat is at a high temperature. He even goes to other floors and raises the temperature. I swear he has an issue with his body temp and I told him he should see a doctor because this is not normal but of course he just brushes me aside and acts as if its nothing. Probably because noone else has ever dared call him on it. At the counter he will adjust the monitors after I move them and also when I tape the charger for our job iphone (so the cord won't be on the floor) he will come right behind me and move the tape. I often wonder if he does these things to try and start an argument. I don't know and I'm just tired of saying anything. Often when I come to the console theres boogies or nose hairs and I ask him about it and he tried to turn it around saying he notices that after I leave. (Really???) These are only a few of the things I have to endure on top of the usual insanity from residents or homeless folks/druggies outside and trans prostitutes that hang around on the property. Sometimes folks who work in other depts are weird too. Not just with me but with other security too. Also there is a serious problem in here with little tiny flies and mosquitoes. In truth every job has "stuff" and you gotta be able to mentally transport yourself above it all. Some days are better than others. I just gotta keep my eyes on the prize. Focus on projects. Save money and take comfort in the fact I am not gonna be sticking around here for much longer. Ideally till Feb 2021 at the latest. I need to be around some more emotionally well rounded folks. Tired of dealing with crazies all the time and being taken for granted.
It was strange being on the plane and they didn't offer any food. Everyone was wearing a mask and most people seemed to be sitting spaced apart. The middle plane seats as far as I could see were empty. Social distancing they call it. I found it kinda hard to breathe with that damn mask on. At one point I think I had some sort of panic attack when I tried to go to sleep with eye covers on. I had to sit up and take them off and sorta pull the mask back a bit so I could breathe easier. You find yourself stifling coughs or sneezes and whenever someone else coughs or sneezes you can just feel the energy change in the room.
Coming back to work was weird. A co-worker who normally seems mostly cool basically started tripping because I guess he felt I should relieve him since I was onsite early. That was the other day. Then when I came in to this shift a co-worker who has always been kinda weird and stand-offish with me even when he seems cool walked away when I asked him if he could hand me some keys. About two weeks ago a lady co-worker tried to put me on blast on the walkie talkie about abreviating her name and I was like why do you have to say that over the radio where everybody can hear it? Of course there was no response. I find myself getting pissed and really wondering if I am gonna be able to stay on this job with some of these people but then I remind myself that alot of folks that work in particular fields or at night lack certain social skills and some folks here are ghetto as hell with seemingly no home training in etiquette or how to communicate. Then some people just want to lash out at the nice guy who seems happy all the time like a big kid (when he's really a grown ass man with his own problems to worry about) Sometimes I get the idea some people might even feel threatened by me or envious but whatever. On top of that a certain person here will sit with his heater on him all night even when the thermostat is at a high temperature. He even goes to other floors and raises the temperature. I swear he has an issue with his body temp and I told him he should see a doctor because this is not normal but of course he just brushes me aside and acts as if its nothing. Probably because noone else has ever dared call him on it. At the counter he will adjust the monitors after I move them and also when I tape the charger for our job iphone (so the cord won't be on the floor) he will come right behind me and move the tape. I often wonder if he does these things to try and start an argument. I don't know and I'm just tired of saying anything. Often when I come to the console theres boogies or nose hairs and I ask him about it and he tried to turn it around saying he notices that after I leave. (Really???) These are only a few of the things I have to endure on top of the usual insanity from residents or homeless folks/druggies outside and trans prostitutes that hang around on the property. Sometimes folks who work in other depts are weird too. Not just with me but with other security too. Also there is a serious problem in here with little tiny flies and mosquitoes. In truth every job has "stuff" and you gotta be able to mentally transport yourself above it all. Some days are better than others. I just gotta keep my eyes on the prize. Focus on projects. Save money and take comfort in the fact I am not gonna be sticking around here for much longer. Ideally till Feb 2021 at the latest. I need to be around some more emotionally well rounded folks. Tired of dealing with crazies all the time and being taken for granted.
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