Confessions of a sad superhero book 55

 Came in tonight feeling drained. Same as it's been these last few days I guess. When I got off work this morning I showered and spent some time playing a videogame on my PS5 called "Pocky and Rocky" then around 9am I went to sleep. The manager basically woke me up because knocking on my door because she wanted to give me my rent reciepts for like the last year and remind me I was a few cents behind on rent. Yes I said CENTS. I ordered some food and played the game for awhile but got mad because when I tried to save my gameplay footage a message pooped up saying "This game does not allow you to record its gameplay" Something to that effect and this has never happened before on either my PS4  or PS5. I was all upset and debating on if I could get a refund from Sony because sharing my gameplay footage is kinda my favorite hobby at the moment. I ordered catfish with fries and veggies. Ate some and went back to sleep. When I got up again I pretty much had just enough time to get ready for work and leave. Did manage to squeeze in some game time and this time the game let me record. Miracle!  Must have been around 8pm-ish. I got here to work. Got the passdowns and made my coffee. Set up my computer. Played some Vampire The Masquerade:Bloodhunt. Got my ass kicked as usual and played some Darkstalkers. 

Came down to start my shift about an hour later. (I always come in early to give me time to relax with a cup of coffee and some game time) One of the Y/As came over on a break and said some person was naked screaming and twerking in the hallway. (What is it with these kids and the twerking these days? I blame Miley Cyrus) The fire dept and LAPD showed up maybe 15 minutes later to deal with the person The other officer I am working with tonight called to say he needed back-up but I was like I can't just leave here. It was right around that time the cops came. They are gone now along with the ambulance and Fire Dept. I don't know what went down but the person is still here. I saw them on videocamera twerking with their butt up against the door doing these hip thrust movements until the supervisor pushed them away from obstructing the doorway to the shelter side. Right now the person is standing out on Santa Monica and i'm just hoping they don't bring that madness over here. Possibly some drug shit I think. Right now they are crouching and clutching their stomach as in pain as some passerby talk to them and another ambulance has arrived to administer some aid. I can see on camera they are sitting and talking with a medic. A bush is partially blocking my view so thats it. 

Update: They put the person (who looks to be a transgendered white female) onto a stretcher then placed them inside the ambulance and took them away. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 54

 When I fell 

it was like 

a breeze 

then it grew 

into a tempest.

I was feeling you

you was feeling me

and for a time all was fine in the kingdom.

Then you left

I tried to hold on

but we grew apart

and you moved on in your own special way

pretending you didn't 

because you wanted to keep me holding on.

Weaning myself from you

it almost destroyed me

made me feel for a good while 

that no one else would or could ever want me.

Your were my safe place

that familiar space

in my mind

I would run to you

pleasing myself with your images 

those memories in my mind.

Then one day in a moment of clarity

I was able to take a stand

I broke free from you

and sometimes its tempting to go back 

to that comfort food you are/were

but I'm no fool

I have been down that road before and I know where it goes.

I have given up on us.

I think you know it

and theres some part of you that knows you have made 

and are making 

a terrible mistake

but bro I can't look back.

I wish I could sometimes

yet its too late because

in so many ways I have outgrown you.

I'm flying high in the sky while you wanna keep walking around

(Did you ever believe in my dreams? Sometimes I wonder)

 No matter what happens next

I think its gonna be

a long time before we see each other again.

Perhaps in some ways this is not right

(But its okay)

I'm gonna be alright.

I think I gave up on us a long time ago.

The bed was made  along time ago.

Maybe one day I won't bristle at love

maybe I won't see it as a dangerous weakness.

For now I'm just gonna deal with surviving

and its gotta be enough.

It will be enough.

Confessions of a sad superhero Book 53

 When you come around

I feel evil

I feel bad

like I did something 

unforgiveable.

Its madness

I asked you what was the issue

you said there was no issue

yet you barely look straight at me

I think there has been a misunderstanding

or maybe someone has been whispering 

sweet lies in your ears.

Ive said this before 

but I wonder how differently would you hate me if I really was your enemy.

I have done nothing to deserve your hatred

yet here we are 

almost a year later and I feel that your grudge is eternal

and I will never completely unravel this mystery

but I suspect

my enemy might have been your lover

(Is this all in my mind?)

It is what it is.

I guess you set me free

goodbye to the one who never knew me 

I guess.

Goodbye.

Just consider the rest of our interaction 

as radio silence.

***

I let you go

tried to remain in my life

It was not easy

but I had to walk away man

I needed to get away from some of you people

so I could grow man

please understand

its not personal

even when it feels like its always personal

gettin doors shut on you. 

I didn't wanna but you make me wanna 

new relationship

(like Usher said)

I need more healthy people in my life.

Its not you

Its me.

The little crab 

that crawled out the barrel.

***

What makes a man hate another man

(Tears for fears asked that same question)

What drives him 

gun in hand

runnin up in a building

hurtin a bunch of innocent folk

stugglin with their own life trials and tribulations?

What drives him?

Was he bullied?

Heartbroken?

Chemicals firing off so wrongly inside 

making him to do these things?

Or was it voices

drugs

possession?

Don't ask me why sister cuz I'm out here trying to survive this 

not wantin to believe its happenin.

What makes a man hate another man

so much 

So much because of his skin color?

So much 

So much because he sleeps with another man?

So much because he worships someone he don't?

So much because he makes less money?

You wanna troll that internet

find out all you can

troll him in comments sections

silently stalkin social media

use what you learn 

to hit him exactly where it hurts

makes you feel 

so powerful hurtin that man who don't even know you

ain't never done shit to you

but you hate him so much

watching his every move

infecting his computer

telling lies on him

you are so full of him

(and like Janet said) 

so empty of you.

You really need to get your priorities straight.

(Thats from Ron in Harry Potter by the way)

Watching me in the store 

like I'm gonna steal

making me feel like I'm a thief

doing things to get a reaction from me

So sly thou art

Sneakin and stealin 

pretending to be cool

yet deep down 

you're throwing daggers

its like you are planning the perfect crime against me

bidding your time to strike.

I don't know if you want to stick a knife in me or a penis.

I don't think you know either.

If this was a perfect world 

I think we could find cures for our madness in each others arms.

Confessions of a sad superhero Book 52

 Was finally able to get in a session wih my therapist the other day. Its been sooooo long since last we spoke. She actually caught Covid a few times and then got sick from some other things so I was thinking maybe our sessions were done. Let me tell you it is good to have that person there to listen and understand and evne though they remain neutral they can still give you that support to encourage your spirit. She was able to help me with a pretty big decision. "The Good Captain" is graduating next week and up till recently I was all geared up to go show some support. But that light bulb came on in my mind. Basically it has been a long difficult road towards me coming to understand that this man really cares very little for me. We were in a sorta relationship when he lived with me but he has been so distant since he moved to North Dakota. Its not just because of school either. Its not because of being a single dad. Its not just the distance. My instincts kept telling me something was up and there was somebody else in the picture. I dunno why I overlooked this shit. I really invested alot in this guy. I think I was so much longing I accepted that I couldn't find anyone else. Maybe I was whipped to a degree. Maybe that explains the intense pain I felt from the rejection of a certain ex-co-worker. Right now how do I feel? Honestly I think I have gotten dangerously close to abandoning relationships period. Its funny because years ago I saw this happening to everybody else and said I wouldn't let that be me yet after so much bullshit and immature emotionally unavailable buffoons one grows tired. Like Mary said "No more drama" and it seems that is all they bring. These men who have helped convince me at times I am so beneath them that it is a struggle to reclaim self-esteem. Strangely enough it seems to have bloomed since I decided to reach for the uncaringness of it all. Feels safer. More saner. Like Erykah Badu said..."I work at pleasing me cuz I can't please you and thats why I do what I do" I'm pleasing me by just pleasuring myself because these hands still work and I'm pleasing myself looking at where I've come from, looking at where I'm going as ALL these little projects and investments of mine blossom into the fruits so diligently planetd over the years. To somebody looking in from the outside "Sergio ain't doing shit" but in reality, he's keeping a low profile while he builds a profile. Building an empire. Slowly but surely behind the scenes. Taking care of business that is my future. Soon they will know his name.

So I got off my butt weeks ago and filmed that video project thats been on my mind. Lymonicus let me use a studio he rents. I hired a guy to come let me interview him. Got it edited. Saw it needed work. The editor bounced so now I'm sitting on the footage not sure what to do. Could hire somebody else to work on it or try it myself. Feel like it needs to be chopped into three separate videos cuz it is too damn long as it is. Or could simply re-shoot it. Oh the concept is called "Nerds With Badges" Security guards,cops or military folks sit around and discuss nerd shit. Tech. Comics. Music. Movies. Games. Pop culture stuff you know? Having a meeting this weekend with some of the usual suspects and its likely I may turn that into another filmed session. So we'll see. 

Work on the comics continues. Work on "Sasquatch And The Mythology Sisterhood" footage continues. I would really love to reshoot that but I've an idea loosely inspired by some filtering techniques I have seen in certain films to give the footage a unique comic stylized look. Also I will be putting out a couple of posters and a free "John Henry" comic strip later this month. See I stay on my hustle. Helps keep me (reasonably) sane. What next? What next might be me hiring a personal trainer. Stay tuned. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 51

 It has been a minute. I guess I needed time to sort out my thoughts so I could put them into words here. Or perhaps I was lazy. About three weeks ago I did my laundry and "somebody" put a bloody rag with shit stains on it in the dryer with my clothes so that messed with me for awhile. I told my manager and she brushed it off as just somebody being negligent or forgetful but I know differently. As clueless and bewildered as my neighbors act I surmise somebody in the family or a close friend of theirs is just determined to keep stirring the shit up with us to lead to some sort of confrontation. As it is I am constantly watched thru their peephole when I leave or enter my apartment. There have been times when something was thrown at me when I walked outside. Also I've been yelled at and it seemed to come from across the street or on the rooftop. Now just try to imagine living with this type of thing for about twenty years. Imagine coming home stressed out from work and feeling like you are literally under siege and unable to have privacy or peace. I swear at times I can feel nasty negative energy coming from next door. yesterday when I sat downstairs in the laundry roomwashing and drying my clothes (closely watching for obvious reasons) I noticed a feeling of peace I scarcely feel in my apartment these days. Even at work as chaotic as it can be I feel more at home than I do at home so much of the time. It has been a struggle at times to claw myself out of darkness. It does help having my videogames, music and comics and projects to keep me focused. I think that if it were not for these things I might have snapped by now. I'm certain anyone else would have. I realize in some ways I am alot stronger than most people even if it may not seem like it. All of this started because one day I asked this little Bangladesh girl to stop throwing about a million pieces of paper in front of the doorway. Another older girl who was with her told me to mind my business. I was like "How can you just let this happen right here in front of your home?" From that day I have caught hell from these people. That day was sometime between 97-99. I come home and pretty much have been staying inside trying to not put myself in a situation for a confrontation. Especially since these people are constantly going in and out of their apartment all times of the day and night. This staying inside and hardly going anywhere well it pretty much started around Covid season. I've kinda started to come out of the funk. The mind tries to heal you know from trauma but its not easy when the wound just keeps getting open or somebody throws salt on it. In all my life I have experienced hate and evil but what I have endured from this situation...I don't even have words for it. Its an enemy who is cunning,twisted and careful enough not to ever get caught or leave a trace of their actions. They will hold and keep a grudge going even after many years. Could be mentally ill and it could be more than one individual. What is the end goal? Make me move? Make me turn into a six o'clock story? Another crazy black man on a rampage. They have called the cops on me and stolen my mail. They have spat on my door. Stolen my laundry. Someone even put soiled panties in my laundry years ago. If I could ever find solid proof of this stuff I'd have a hell of a lawsuit. Mostly I don't think they will ever stop trying to break me. But technology is evolving to the point where if they keep it up they will end up exposing themselves. My manager says she is trying to get more video cameras installed in the building so Ima just continue ignoring foolishness and living my life whilst karma just keeps gathering her momentum.