Got a little bit of excitement this morning at work while I was patrolling down in one of the parking areas. It was waaaaay in the back where a bunch of construction materials were that I picked up an all too familiar scent. One of my relatives used to come around and visit my father back when I was a youngin. He always had a particular smell because he drank alot of alcohol. So I recognized that scent on my patrol and noticed some things in the area seemed out of place. I moved in for a closer look and thats when a pittbull started growling at me. He/she was laying next to a white guy wearing a red and white striped shirt. This guy sat up rubbing his eyes and looking out of it. I told him he had to leave and he started apologizing and saying he didn't want any trouble. Said he'd gone out to a club and some other mess. I took out my little ipod touch so I could get some photos/videos in case people didn't believe me when I reported it. Now you know my nerves are kinda bad right now so my heart was beating real fast like. Dude left in a hurry because when I went back after stepping away for a moment he was gone. I did see him leaving when I went topside. He was like I'm sorry man. He also wasn't happy when he noticed I was videoing him. Honestly I am just surprised it took this long for me to walk up on someone down there.

HUMBLE PIE AND THE DOUBLE EDGED SWORD

Sir Nathan said he didn't really have anything else without God
other than his acting.
I didn't know what to say. We were talking about religion and how people believe so many crazy things. I'd mentioned religion because of a conversation I'd had with an artist earlier.
It was about how people believe so strongly these things that have been drilled into them
even if it defies logic
they will kill to hold on to those things.

I long for someone
he's close
So close at times I can touch him
yet he might as well be on another planet I can't fly to.
Then the other guy
he lives so far away and its funny
nowadays I'm starting to get the idea
he actually really does care
so much more than he did before.

I'll be soon going in to speak with a head shrink
someone who can help me
with the sudden waking up
erratic heartbeating
and states of general panic
then I can find out if I can keep working at the job
I'd say my job
but I'm not so sure if I belong there anymore.
I could leave
I'd be free
and my spirit would certainly soar
no more chains
but folks are saying I shouldn't quit
without security.
I try to explain to The Dangerous African
and he doesn't seem to understand my faith
in these gifts the higher power cultivated within me
These gifts inspire but they can help me survive too.
I guess its easy to disbelieve when you don't know any artists
people confident in their power
using their powers to live.

My nerves are shot
and working a 9-5 was only supposed to be a limited series.
The stupid studio execs just kept churning out
bad product until they wore out their welcome.
People stopped liking their stupid shows
and responded with violence because
the stupid studio execs JUST WOULDN'T LEAVE
OF THEIR OWN FREE WILL.

I'm tired of being a stupid studio exec.
Tired of social media throttling my flow
Tired of lost souls &
people dumber than me
coming for me
Its a kind of manufactured gravity to weigh one down.
Gotta fly from these malevolent forces
hidden or
right up in my face
trying to control my life.
I feel like
if I keep playing it safe
I run the risk of losing whats left of sanity
of spirit.

I need a time out
need to gather my wits
heal these mental scars

I need to go someplace where I can be who I'm meant to be.

Time to leave the hood.

Man have my legs been bothering me. I don't know what the hell is going on. Is it poor circulation because of my diet? Sitting or is it stress related? The nurse I spoke to on Monday when I went to Kaiser said that stress can cause this. I had to go for anxiety that was triggered last week at work when I had a nasty confrontation with a co-worker who persisted on taking the desk at the start of the shift. We'd just started working together and dude seemed cool. Really cool but like most people I guess its all about self because he tried to get me in trouble by logging down some stuff in our DAR. Its weird that as crazy as that night was I don't really think I'm upset at him. Its really just a matter of things building up inside and just stress and anxiety and next thing I knew I was having some kind of out of body experience. Why do I say out of body? Well I was in the shower this morning and it really hit me I have kinda been out of it with my projects. I have tried to be productive and even started writing and talked to people about collaborating on stuff yet as far as Sasquatch and other ongoing projects I drew a blank spot since Thursday night. Thats not like me. Especially since filming date is fast approaching. Saturdays audition didnt happen because a main actor cancelled saying his car was broken into. What a coincidence that it happened two days before an audition huh? Now I know things happen and he could have been telling the truth yet....I dunno.

So now I am on medication to help bring me down from the adrenalin rush lingering from last Thursday. And I have to call to make an appointment to see a specialist today. Its crazy how in one instant your life can change. One thing can cause a reaction. I've been doing good for awhile. Avoiding certain types of people and events. Working nights. Trying to stay focused yet it feels I have reached some breaking point and security is something I'm gonna need to leave behind sooner than later. I can't keep putting myself in stressful situations and expect my nerves to repair. Angry people. Potentially dangerous environments. Constant changes at work. It could be that I am too friendly too which is one reason why people seem to come for me so often in life situations. I'm starting to really understand and respect the art of being silent and to yourself in many life situations. Thing is as important as these life lessons are one cannot let oneself shut off completely from the world. After all not everybody is out to get me (even though it seems that way at times) Sometimes people do seem self-centered or conceited when they stay to themselves. That might not be true. It might also not be true they are socially awkward. Sometimes you protect yourself by staying to yourself.  We have to guard ourselves and learn to recognize things in people. Its not always easy to quickly access a person and see if they are a threat you know? In the Matrix Morpheus basically told Neo not to trust anyone else unless they are "woke". Its so funny how art can give solutions to life stuff. Then again much of art is inspired from life I suppose. I think I will be okay so long as I realize I am just visiting this job. I am there to provide a service and collect a check. Nothing there has an emotional connection to me. It doesn't matter who gets to the desk first just like it doesn't matter that people get upset when I ask them to not hang around the property. I should not be talking to people on a personal level. Well except for maybe the ninja and Mike and maybe "The Dell". Can't get comfortable there. Try to leave what happens at the job at the job. Focus on dispelling anger or anxiety to prevent build up or explosions or panic attacks. Also DON'T allow people to infect me with negative energy because that shit can stick to you and cling for days. And if things feel really bad then take a mental health day off work to deal with the shit going on in my head. Right now its still heavy on my mind "Do I return to work tomorrow?" Like I said before its not really about the stupid desk because I have no problem patrolling first or whatever. Its really about me working at a job longer than I should have and just knowing its time to get out. Feeling frustration over some things at work that might not change. Worrying about projects. Worrying about so many things in life....lack of things and then this feeling of putting up with things then knowing I deserve so much more and feelings sometimes of helplessness....wanting to just run away from everything....feeling so much uncertainty and keeping it all at bay then that dam breaks and it all just comes rushing out. You feel embarrassed it happened. Your nreves are fired up. Its not just about what just happened. Its just about EVERTHING that has ever happened. And the adrenalin flow....the shit just doesn't shut off and you're just left feeling scared it could happen again and it could be worse the next time. And I guess that why until further notice Sergio has to take that oh so small yet so mighty tiny white awful tasting pill (and a half) once a day. Welcome to -the real- indeed.