Role Model Dilemna.

Its strange
when I look back I see
most of my role models
I don't think they looked like me
still people though
just white people though
(Relax I love everybody)
Adam West
Gunsmoke
Lee Majors
Salems Lot
Adrian Paul
Greatest American Hero
Michael Knight
Love Boat
Lucy
Bewitched
I dream of Jeanie
Fantasy Island
Automan
Dynasty
Dallas
Flamingo Road
Falcons Crest
Hotel
Buck Rogers
Jaime Summers
and a woman of wonder
A warrior princess
a vampire slayer
a kid from Smallvile
three sisters who were charmed
two brothers with a legacy to hunt monsters
They were all mostly white
just like
pretty much all the heroes
heroines
in the videogames
cartoons
novels
and comic books
and fantasy
action
horror
adventure
picture shows
movies or tv.
Sure there was Bruce Lee
Jet Li
Jackie Chan
Will Smith
Jennifer Beals
and dare I say Cosby?
Stevie Wonder, Michale and Prince helped raise me
and Teena Marie was the cool aunt I guess
Chaka,N'Dea and George Michael took me to the rink on weekends
But
I think its safe to say
much of my rasing was
almost
entirely
by white folks
even though I lived in their worlds
I still lived in this world with the other black folks
people of color
gays and lesbians
the outcasts
who looked ALOT more like me.
Some of the white folks in the other world lived like me
even though they didn't look like me
X-men
Scanners
immortals
some of them vampire folks
they knew the deal when it came to feeling like
you didn't fit in.
I didn't talk like I was black folks told me
they still do it now
but its mostly in how they look at me
or how other folks treat me
cuz they don't know how to act
when they encounter a brother
who talks like he has some sense.
I'm not that guy they see
on tv
in those rap videos
or in those violent movies
beatin up on they women folks.
I didn't really understand why
folks used to tell me
I acted white
now I finally understand
the hows and the whys.
On the inside
even if I can be just as pro black
or as pro gay
as the next man
I think I'm probably culturally
multiracial.
A product of two worlds
not really feeling like I belong completely in either.

I heard a song by Queen today
while browsing thru youtube
"I wanna break free"
and I thought
man you are free now
it would break your heart
it is heartbreaking
to see how
the world has changed.
Can't go see a movie now
without some nut trying to shoot you
can't go to school
without some nut trying to shoot you
Can't walk the streets
folks trying to stab you
Catch the train
and they wanna push you off the platform.
Used to laugh at
those gated communities
when I first came to Cali
but now
now I understand
(Is that why I uber or lyft to work so often?)
sometimes to live in the world
you need protection from the world
sometimes we all do.

BROKEN AND RAGGEDY LEGACY
(At least its mine)

I KNOW WHO I AM

I am
the nervous one
often the unwanted one
who's always thinking
dreaming
flopping around trying to walk
with legs that may work better
as fins
sometimes I think
thats what chips away at the cuteness factor

I am
The one who
looks in the mirror
even when he doesn't want to
The one who understands
I must chase these dreams
fight to make them real
but theres some things
I can never have
some things
I gotta lay to rest
for the sake of my sanity
and maybe
just maybe some things
and people
I gotta run from
until that day comes
when I can allow my self to rest
the way
I really need to rest.

Gotta keep on
going on
believing in me
not letting what some think of me
define me
Can't keep being the victim
Can't keep letting
these angels
who forgot how to fly
ground me
not anymore
Gotta give my all
to this thing
this tangible
object my eyes can see
my spirit can perceive
this greatness
this promise of
freedom
artistic expression
and even some semblance of
financial stability
Its okay to retreat sometimes
into the music
the comics
the videogames
and all these stories
these films
those words other people write
as long as it keeps me strong in my goal
keeps adding wind to these sails
keeps giving me
footprints
to leave behind
(because the internet is forever)

Maybe oneday
these ramblings
will help someone else
become unlost
in this maze of
the unfound?

Everything else is a distraction

Don't have a problem
staying invisble a bit longer
acting stupid enough to fit in
Can't afford to rock the boat
just a visitor here
just passing thru

This is who I am
for now

Gotta keep
building
this building
even with
all this storming going on around me
and the people are looking thinking
what the hell is wrong with this guy?

I can see the finished design.
Even without a drawing
I know what its gonna look like
come what may.
Crazy man that I am.
Crazy enough
to want a legacy
no one else would dare touch.

I am the crazy dreamer
chasing a tornado
trying to get into
the eye of the storm.

The Evil Genius Scenario

#0

Smiley
Smiling
chuckling
chuckler
giggly
ticklish
giggler
sexy
Dark chocolated
muscled
sexual dominizer
caregiving
warrior from the kissme tribe
who rarely loses his temper over anything
even though you can get excited
over many things
now just getting a taste
a real taste
of fatherhood
I salute you
even though I realize
I can't ever really have you
cause you're a player
too busy with fatherhood
buying that house
your schooling
and your twenty jobs
to fully commit to anybody anyway.
How I wish I'd known that
before I let you
put your African voodoo on me
(Even though you say you don't have such a thing)
Such a liar!

 #1
I see you
all the time
who are you
friend to the end
talk to me
laugh with me
sorta break bread with me
then when we are
out those doors
I never hear from you?
Been here before
locked the feelings up then
Could it be
I'm getting good at this shit
too good maybe?

It hurts sometimes.
Sometimes I feel nothing.
Mostly I think
I'm stuck somewhere in the middle.
Thats what I really wanna say
and I'm dealing
(Shit I know I can't ever say anything)
I feel stupid
because I know
you can't be falling in love
with the first
straight guy that comes along
and is nice to you.
Other gay folks do that
Not ME.

So I'm just gonna sit over here
gonna get control over these
stupid
raging hormones
that are messing with my head
making me awkward
making me erratic
and the last thing I want is to push you away
in my inability to properly express
what could have been
so much more healthier
if the world were a different place.

I tried to reach out
without appearing too needy
and I guess
the pain came out in prose
you were never meant to see
but you see everything
thats why I call you a ninja

I drove you away man.

Who are YOU?
(I will never know now I guess)

#2
Were you serious
Said you found my old text
and you decided to reach back out to me
Damn but its been over two years man
Were you for real?
Should I really believe you?
It took you
almost three years
to reach back out to me
and you chose
Now?
I've thought of you
on an almost daily basis
thought you'd fired me
forgotten about me
and I moved on
even though I figured one day
our paths would cross again.
You're so damn jaded
so damned cynical
with a twisted sense of humor
never mind the HIV thing
Never mind
your sexy thick body
that exceptional intelligence
upwardly mobile brotherman.

Who are you???

#3
Came back in my life
thru a facebook message
just out of the blue
Man I can barely even remember
what we argued about last time we spoke
years ago.
I do miss you sometimes
because we did have
some kind of a friendship
way back then.
Maybe I could have been
much more considerate
but I ceratinly should have known better
than to visit a man into me
knowing I wasn't into him
thats a drama magnet baby.
I mean where do we go from here?
What are you seeking to gain
by reaching back out to me
when you
in so many ways
throw me away.

Can I trust you
when I'm not sure
your motives are
pure?
Was I like
the last on your list?
Who are you?

#4
Haven't seen you in years
and still
you creep into my dreams.
I can still smell you
still  can see those tattoos
still can feel you
inside me
moving around inside me
giving love it took us
so many years to build up to
you were that brother I always fantasized of
sc-fi loving
bilingual
eloquent
in and out of jail
epically brown skinned
prince of the ghetto.
But you never call
I think we are both
afraid of something
a passion that will burn
until theres nothing left.
A part of me is scared of you
of the power
you know that you wield
over my heart
because
deep down inside
I am still asking

Just who the HELL
are you really
anyway?

And do I really
can I really
afford to find out?

#5
Used to be my bestie
Used to drop me off home after work
played videogames with me
Hung out with me
flew that stupid drone with me at the job
introduced me to your legion of girlfriends
hooked me up with
my laptop
my Xbox1
my PS4
and you even acted in one of my films man
Now you barely look at me
and I can barely look you in the eye
worst still
I know not what I have done
over the years I reasoned
perhaps I did something
to piss you off.
My erratic behavior sometimes pisses me off
after all.
I wish I could tell you
how I lost my mind
then had to find it all over again
in this struggle
to get my art together
as I fought against
psychological warfare
pretty much
EVERY day for years
in my own home.
Things I couldn't really get help for
because those who did it
lived above me
around me
and they conspired
with deadly intent
to get me out of my apartment.
Chipped away at my psyche man
You'll never understand what I had to endure
what I came thru
a community of women from another place
waged a war with me
I won but there are so many scars
I guess our friendship was a casualty?
Its likely I'll never know why you cut me off.
Wouldn't it be something to discover
after all this time of blaming myself
it was really all YOU?
No small wonder
I'm afraid to get close to anyone else in this life.
Tired of losing people.
So tired of wondering
if its gonna take me getting rich
to actually meet and cultivate
some healthy lasting relationships.
Holding out for a miracle
or did I already throw in the towel?
Sometimes I'm not even sure.



(What Started Everything)

(Edited Version)

#?

Who are you

We see each other 

at the watering hole

almost everyday

you act likemy friend to the end
talk to me
laugh with me
sorta break bread with me
then when we are
out those doors
I never hear from you?

No phone calls

No textsWhat are you?
A gay friendly
opportunist?
with those big muscled arms
(because I fill that space
you see)
Am I that
no strings attached
HO
being pimped out
for the emotional amusement
I give you?

(or maybe if another bro came along

someone straight 

you'd likely replace me)Such a sad situation
in a way
two friends
an invisible wall

A glass wall

Unbreakable thoughJust can't cross that line I know

cause thats 

the world we live in

a world where

we can't always say what we feel

or have what we want

so many reasons why

things have to be

the way they are

(you know?)

so I go on.

(learned the art of burying emotions because I'd rather control them 

than let them run me)

Its not like you're perfect anyway (right?)

(yet still

who is right?)

I feel like I should be glad you at least talk to me
I get fragments

everybody else is fascinated by your masculine

quietly powerful mystique

I think 

(Its much safer this way I suppose. Keeping a distance I mean)Truth is
I'll never know the real answer to the question

about whether you are an evil genius

but its certainly no accident we bacame part time friends

and I suspect we are not total strangers in each others lives

it is 

in some aspects

a pretty small world after all.

Who are YOU?

You are the man who fades in and out of my view

like a damn ninja.