(Written to the music of Foreign Exchange and Nicolay)

The past couple of weeks have been surreal. The whole newness of being single and the struggle to put together new projects for this coming weekend. In a way I'm sure I am dealing with some sort of depression although I am happy that the projects are coming together despite all the obstacles involved. I miss "The Bear" in ways he will never know. I will never have anything bad to say about what we had because he is a good man. Whatever differences we might have had the underlying truth (for me)is the relationship was feeling more like a friendship. Add to the distance and all the work needed towards my career goals and something had to give. Life will go on thats all I have to say on this matter for now.

Yesterday I listened to a new song by Will I am off his new cd called "The World is crazy". It made me think of all the insane stuff going on in this world. The bombings last week at the Boston marathon....conflicts with Korea.... I thought alot about how living in this world amongst all the craziness has changed me. I took a cartoon "Paranorman" to make me REALLY think about how much of who Sergio is had become infected by all the madness and hatred of other people. Its not good to linger on these things yet you can't help but sometimes feel anger at the world. Like something was taken from you and even though you survive you might not ever completely be healthy because of shit people put you through. I got people who want to bomb me for whatever reasons. I got people who hate me because I'm gay. People hate me because I'm black. People don't wanna be a friend to me because of financial status. People don't wanna help me because no one really helped them and all they can find the energy for is trying to trample on my dreams. Teena Marie said "Stop the world I wanna get off!" Sometimes I swear there are moments when I wish I could just go to another planet to get away from all the negativity in this world. Yeah adversity helps make one strong and builds character yet I get so damn tired of feeling like society turned me into something theres no cure for. Something powerful but something feared. A kind hearted monster who will come and save the city when the bad monsters attack but when its all over I'll go back up to the forbidden mountains because I've no real desire to live amongst these strange creatures obsessed with killing themselves. Not saying I feel like that ALL the time. But a great deal of the time people disappoint me. But who's perfect right? Paranorman reminded me to not forget the good people. There have certainly been plenty of villains in my life (like the nuts who walk past my job and either yell nasty things or bang on the entrance) however the occasional hero emerges from time to time. I thank my maker for sending these angels who bring light when it seems all too much. Sergzilla is strong yet the creature still needs help once in awhile.

It seems like another one of those silly notions but I'd like to move DragonManx the series to another city. Another state even. Maybe Canada? Its not like I don't know people in Canada. At one point San Diego seemed like a good location but now my heart is set on an even bigger goal. So the main character of my spin off webseries is definitely heading for bigger and better things. It might even happen this year. Just gotta save up the money you know? Its become pretty obvious no one is gonna loan me any money or help me finance my projects. Its bittersweet because it hurts to not have that support. Maybe I shouldn't have it or want it? And just to be clear a handful of friends and family members have bailed me out on production woes but at this point things should be easier right? Then again if people keep helping you out there will probably come a time when they'll start applying the pressure for you to make some creative changes in your work. So it is a double edged sword. Better to have complete control over your shit I think. It does feel a bit weird being a black gay artist working within the gay community and feeling cut off from your peers. I keep feeling like I need to prove myself. Half the time I think I'm the only person Sergio needs to prove anything to. Because you know people are never really gonna be satisfied. Still the quality of my work HAS to improve. Sometimes I get so critical of my short films I don't even wanna watch them. Sometimes I just wanna start everything all over again. Maybe I will take a page from Ultimate Spiderman and skip ahead a year in the storylines. Thats sort of a reboot....

Its almost time to get outta here (Yes it is at work). But before the mad dash to wash out my coffee mug and hastily stuff my things back into the locker I wanted to make special mention of something that may get launched next month whilst I take a hiatus from SOL/DM to focus on other stuff. Stuff like my terribly neglected Detecter Pig cartoon. The special project is gonna be a talk show themed program on videogames. Might be doing this on vimeo or maybe there will be two versions. An all ages version on youtube and a more mature version for Vimeo a site I definitely need to gravitate more towards. No thats not saying I'll abandon Youtube. A brother just wanna expand you know? Stay tuned. Same bat channel and all that....

As I sit here listening to music from ZO! and Swing Out Sister on my vita I think about all the things that have happened to me in the past few months. Its a lot so I will do my best to catch you up on all of it. First of all I broke up with Blueberry Teddy Bear because I think the truth is we have grown apart. That was one issue. The other main issue being his health and well being which I feel is something he is taking lightly in some regards. Without giving out too much of his business. I was able to go see "The Bear" last month when he sent for me to accompany he and some friends on a trip to Canada. We met up in Detroit and then after hanging out we all caught a train over into Toronto. There were four of us altogether. This was a birthday celebration type of trip for one in our group. There were actually supposed to be six of us but she had to bow out because her cat had just had surgery which ran up a huge bill therefore she couldn't afford the trip.  Her running buddy bowed out because she wasn't coming. Now I was pretty sick the entire time and considered canceling because I'd broken out into a nausea induced cold sweat on my way to the LAX yet I still decided to stick it out with the hope I'd feel better. I did actually although I don't think I was able to go longer than five minutes without blowing my nose at any given time during the trip. It was nioce being back in Canada though. I plan to move to Canada at some point. Sooner than later. I am ready to escape Cali. Escape. This is exactly how I felt before I left North Carolina so many years ago. Still can't believe so much time has passed. The Sergster will actually be 44 this year. If I live that long. Hopefully I will. Hopefully a big meteorite won't hit the earth tomorrow and everyone will not get sucked into outerspace. Not sure even I could survive that. The way the world is these days one never knows what to expect anymore. Years ago when I first walked around Beverly Hills I shook my head at all the houses with their huge walls/fences that separated them from the rest of the world. Now I understand. Just yesterday some firefighters arrived at a residence in Georgia only to be taken hostage by a gunman who wanted to have his light bill turned back on. A swat team ended up gunning the guy down. How crazy is that? Whats even crazier is this type of thing happened in NY months ago. The world is becoming a place almost alien to me. The United States is changing in ways that make me long for how it used to be. But things can never go back to how they used to be. I realize that now. And you really wonder why some of us don't even want to to leave the house unless we absolutely have to?

So The Bear is mad at me. I can't say I blame him. After all he's done for me I ended things so abruptly. Then again I'd been voicing my concerns about things. So there were warnings I wasn't happy. I really wished he'd fought for me. Maybe its delayed reaction and in the workings? But the distance and lack of sexual chemistry just got to me. Its funny that an artist can be with someone who is not an artist yet I don't think someone who isn't an artist will ever totally understand you. You know? Then the irony is someone recently told me they don't date anyone else who works in the biz because its like mixing business with pleasure. I can only speak from my own observations but it seems to me plenty of artists are alone because in reality what we do IS our lover. Doesn't exactly keep you warm at night but (and not to discredit anyone) I think the average joe will always have a difficult time understanding us. Then when its over the average joe might have a hard time dating someone who isn't an artist because normal tends to be BORING. Yeah artists do have colorful personalities yet you may have to deal with the eccentricities as well. I have only had one lover who was an artist. He was a saxophone player. Somewhat reserved yet very happy most of the time. And a freak. He had a heart of gold as well. But I was too young and immature to realize what I had until it was too late.

How was Canada? It was fucking cold. And I enjoyed every minute I was there. Seeing the snow along with getting exposed to so many new and different cultures was amazing. The last time I visited Canada was back in 1984. This crazy white kid tried to drop a huge ass brick on my head from a bridge over me. I was looking at the water when all of a sudden there was the ginormous splash next to me. I looked up to see this little white girl and a little white boy running away from where the brick had fallen. Seems even in Canada white folks wanna kill black folks huh? I'm being funny of course because I love everybody. However if that brick had connected with my head it wouldn't have been a laughing matter at all. Seems my world didn't just start getting crazy recently with all the violence,weirdness and hate. Looks like its always been that way.

Was on the train yesterday when this guy came and sat in a chair close to me. I recognized him. By sight and SMELL. So a brother quickly jumped up to move. Somebody noticed an laughed but dude smells like piss and this one can't take it.  People always pee in the elevators in the train station and that shit STINKS. Wish they would put some videocams in there so they can catch who is doing it. Just last week there was this guy in a wheelchair all the way at the end of the train platform and dude was just trailing a trail of pee which had gathered up all around him. Of course this one made sure he didn't get on the train he did. LAWD!

The roommate finally moved out. Had to put him out because this guy was a real piece of work. Ugh. Imagine living with someone who has no value for your things and simply TAKES stuff without asking. Anything you might have laying around. Imagine someone who falls asleep with the door locked but not closed. Oh yeah. Then there was the lying and hygiene issues. Now dude is cute and I do not believe he is a genuinely evil person still there are some very real and immediate issues he's gonna need to deal with or he will likely end up slipping thru the cracks of society. I think some people know they are cute and use this to get what they want from people they can manipulate. Trouble is no matter how sneaky and smart you think you are there is always someone else sneakier and smarter. Trust me I know this to be true.

Lately "The Braxton Family Values" has become a favorite guilty pleasure of mine. I average about an episode a day. Those girls have such interesting lives and get into some quite amusing situations. Still there are some lessons to be learned from observing them. Tamar is crazy yet she does provide so much of the entertainment. Its nice to see as crazy as your life seems others have far crazier things to navigate around/through. Some reality tv shows are cool. I love the animal encounter types. Bear attacks you know? Then there are the scary animal shows. The ones that involve ghosts. I love ghosts. The paranormal has always intrigued me. Last night I watched a show about a family that runs a funeral parlor. That was pretty intense. I think my favorite reality shows are the ones about people who go camping and then the animal kicks their ass but they manage to escape and survive to talk about it. Never been camping myself but would love to go oneday. With a stun gun,a rifle,some pepper spray and a couple of REALLY big dogs.

Got a new project on the way. SonsofLegend and DragonManx stuff. You know me I gotta keep busy. Otherwise I'll be more of an emotional wreck than I already am. Maybe I shouldn't say that about myself. All things considred I'm doing okay. As long as I'm focused I'm calm. Last week I was literally up all night because I couldn't make up my mind on this script. Then trying to get actors together is as still as much of a challenge as its ever been. Well its not like there are many gay black superhero movies/shows being made. People are still reluctant to do gay roles even though times are changing for us. Theres still plenty of hate (some blk guy was grumbling shit when he saw LAGLC SECURITY on my jacket yesterday) yet if we continue to hide in shame and fear this will not make relations between us and straight folks any better. I just wish more people would take risks. We are scheduled to film on the 28th of this month. The quality of my work is getting better. The talent onboard is amazing. People will start to notice The Sergster ain't playin later this year. Its hard trying to save money for all these projects and trying to eat (healthier). (Its more expensive to eat healthy who knew?) So much has been sacrificed to get me this far but I've still some distance to travel before I arrive at the destination. Its so close though. You know? I can feel it. Almost taste it. Good things are coming. The work will pay off. And I really can't afford to look back now or let anything hold me back from my goals. Oneday I'll change the world and see my name in lights. One day I'll be able to give back just as I have been given because I didn't get this far alone....