(Soundtrack: City Nights Vol 6. Thank you Youtube)

Sometimes its hard to believe I am actually 45 years old. People say when you're this old you're supposed to be finacially secure,living in a big house and certainly driving a car. But I don't drive a car. Maybe I will next year because its something I think about more lately. Maybe when I actually can save some money I'll buy a nice house but these little films and projects of mine aren't gonna fund themselves and since I don't have a sugar daddy I gotta do what I gotta do. That means going to work every night to make this money so I guess I am taking care of business. I have an apartment aand have had it for many years now. Plus I seem to be capable of holding down a job for awhile yet does that mean I am stable? I mean in the eyes of some its not enough I realize. I realize my body could be better and it frustrates me sometimes this feeling inadequate you know? Yeah I have issues. Still life goes on and I can take comfort knowing in my time here I've at least left behind some kind of a legacy. These writings. The short films. The cartoon stuff. Even all those photos. Why is it so important to leave something behind? To maybe bring some light into this world even though it has tried to kill me so many times. Its crazy and life is crazy. They say none of us get out of it alive you know. But its also been said no one really dies. Even more so when folks remember you. Will people remember you when you're gone? Will they? A fair question.

About an hour ago there was this sound here in the building. Sounded like someone else was in here with me and the ghosts. Maybe it was a ghost? Went to investigate and saw nothing. Its something that things which would probably freak out most don't really get to me. The truth is sometimes I feel numb and it bothers me. Then there are those moments where the emotions flow. Literally flow. Nothing like a good cry right? Didn't cry when I heard about the plane crash yesterday in Germany that took the lives of 150 people but I did say "Oh my GOD" because it just seemed so insane and painful to realize some people lost so many loved ones. In just an instant....cousins,uncles,mothers and siblings were simply taken from each other and....and that just hurts because I know what its like to lose someone and wonder if and when you will ever see them again. I think that we will all be reunited oneday. I have to believe that you know?

One of the things that has really been bothering me for awhile is this terrorist shit. Isis this and Al Qaeda that. Is it me or does it seem like alot of middle eastern people sure are killing the hell out of each other and trying to kill everyone else? Its not just Middle Eastern folks of course. African people are killing each other too. Russians too. People have been killing each other for a long time. Killing over land. Over race. Over sexual preference. Over religion. Money. Cars. Sometimes some people just kill each other for the hell of it and it just makes no sense to me. We can't even take the planes now without thinking some nutjob with an agenda might show up to try and blow us all up. People are beheading each other on tv like its the thing to do. They really seem convinced some diety out there wants them to do these things. How the hell can you just take a blade and end the life of someone like that when they have done absolutely NOTHING to you? I don't understand. Maybe its not meant for me to. Maybe its not meant for me to understand the insanity or demonic influences that drive some to torment others. There are so many things about human beings which make no sense to me. So much of the time I don't even feel human because I don't understand so much that humans do to each other. Call me crazy or whatever but humanity has the power to end starvation and poverty on this planet. Humanity can clean up the environment and abolish war but why won't it? Thats what I call crazy? I ain't done a damn thang to nobody but the police often go out their way to profile me so much to the point where I now expect it when I see them.  Driving slow in the cars to look at me. Following me down into the subway. Yeah stuff like that happens ALOT and it makes me fucking paranoid about leaving the house. Just who the hell am I supposed to look like anyway? Yeah I listen to rap music and love hip hop but I ain't no thug. Don't even think I fit into that world and would likely be rejected by many who embrace that life yet I keep getting lumped into that world. Dunno....maybe I am a closeted thug and need to date me a thug. A REAL thug. Not a wannabe. Nah....probably couldn't deal with all that testosterone. Those mood swings. That mean assed glare like "What the fuck you lookin at NIGGA???" Which I get ALL THE FUCKING TIME from so many other black men. Don't know if its the "How are you doing" or "I wanna kick your gottdamn ass" look so nig like me just keeps it moving attempting to avoid that eye contact. Long as I can remember I have had this problem with other black men. Its weird. Don't really understand it. Just don't. Maybe won't ever and it just is one of those things Ima have to learn to live with. My brother hates me. Hates me for my light skin. Hates me for my brain. Hates me for my out there dreams. He hates me because nig like me shouldn't even be out here surviving. But guess what? I am.

Its something to be able to look at the world as how it is and to see it as how it can be. Maybe thats what is the power of my madness. The artist. That thing Lady Gaga says she doesn't wanna fix by getting therapy. Gotta live your whole life being crazy always chasing this mission along with some semblance of peacefulness. But the peacefulness is probably more in the art of it all than anything else. Its that GOD talking to you thing. That voice has always been there but many are deaf to it. When you ignore that voice inside that tells you to create something useful it seems to turn against you. This is something alot of people will never understand. Just the way it is. So maybe that crazy person on the street was just like me once but they fell into this version of hell on earth? Maybe hell really is different for everyone? I swear so often I walk by a crazy person and it seems that spirit within them recognizes or addresses me in some way. You can see why I don't share this with alot of folks right?

The weather here in Los Angeles has been strange lately. Hot on some days and it should actually be colder here this time of year. Meanwhile time is just flying by like a mofo. We're already at the end of March and thers so many things that I shoulda already done this year. Didn't make it to Detroit for the snow like I wanted. Still haven't moved. Other than Detector Pig I've not put out anything this year. A DragonManx episode is in post. Danielzilla is working on SonsofLegend which he's co-exec producing now. Brought in some big guns for SinsofLegend and Daughters of Legend my next new webseries. A horror film project is in the works too (realistically speaking it probably won't happen till next year) but I gotta think about the visits to see my family which are planned for later this year. It all boils down to money and being much more restrained in spending. Its not like I spend extravagantely or anything. Its just downright expensive to eat healthy and to produce short films on your own dime. Living with the crazy african helps but some overtime might become a thing you know? Or maybe a brother just needs to get a second job (like the crazy african did). My new business partners think crowdfunding (which never worked out for me before) is the answer so maybe they will be able to put together some succesful campaigns. So far ALL of my stuff has become SAG/AFTRA which I'm sure will open up doors previously closed. So I guess now you can start calling me a businessman huh? Better start wearing suits then. For the record Sergio doesn't really like wearing suits. He doesn't really like working out either but it looks like he's gonna have to get used to it. One of my actors doesn't know it yet but he's about to become my personal trainer. Just hope I can afford him.

Filmmaking,life lessons,venting and whatnot.

Today (actually yesterday now since its after 12am) was the first time in a good while that I actually filmed something. Its all come down to timing and money for the most part even though I'm starting to understand how to cut corners to make things happen. I was able to convince the crazy african to sing in an episode and thats what was shot today. Been trying to figure out a way to work him and his talent into an episode for the longest. Dude has some talent and I really wanted to put it out there before he just abandons it you know? So in the DragonManx episode we shot the crazy african is playing a character named Ury. Ury has already been introduced in an earlier SonsofLegend episode (although he was masked initially and in later appearances we never explained who he was when he would accompany Devin on assigngments) Ury is singing and my character Goyangee (aka:DragonManx) comes over to say hello after witnessing him perform. The two talk abit and then it becomes obvious theres gonna be some kind of a romantic connection with them in the future but after Goyangee gives Ury a business card and leaves the area someone else rewinds time and appears. Time is rewound to just before they met and then Ury is killed so this is all doen to prevent Goyangee from meeting him so that he will be in a certain emotional state. The villain who kills Ury is a sorcerer named Plexis who is secretly working for a fallen angel (Damali) who is planning to take over the world but she wants to try and manipulate the guardian (Goyangee) into joining her cause. Damali is not seen in the episode but she will be heard (via voiceover) as she speaks with Plexis on the phone when he calls to tell her the deed is done after his terrible act. Damali is going to be a major problem all throughout my 4 webseries. In SonsofLegend she is making moves to eliminate Devin who is assembling a force which could threaten Damali. In SinsofLegend Damali is secretly bankrolling the team to perform certain missions for her in return for her protection when the shit hits the fan. Karter (Devins son) may or may not know who she REALLY is and I have yet to decide if he does know or if/when he ever will. Decisions decisions. Meanwhile in Daughters of Legend Damali is recruiting and experimenting on women paranormals in an attempt to create a master race which will eventually wrest control form mankind who has sqaundered the earths resources and spilled so much needless blood in the name of supposed progress. A group of women who escaped Damalis clutches team up and travel all over the world waging war on Damalis various and widespread operations. Meanwhile in DragonManx Damali is behind the scenes pulling the strings in Goyangee's life hoping to lead him to join her crusade but this will eventually lead him into all out war with her and Plexis especially when he discovers the lengths they have gone through to try and manipulate him. Eventually all the storylines will converge into a full length film as everyone goes into a truly epic battle with Damali and her army. Some friendships will be lost. There will be betrayals and deaths and when the dust clears Damali will be no more. In the end DragonManx may make the ultimate sacrifice to end Damalis's threat once and for all. Yes I have given this alot of thought.

The Detector Pig cartoon is done. Posted it on youtube last week and it didn't exactly set the world on fire. I mean people did watch it but mostly nobody cared. Well I cared. Its kinda sad if I let myself wallow in it that supposed friends and family really don't give me much support. (Is it because they don't really know me?)  Yeah people follow on twitter and facebook but most of them never comment on anything I do or offer any kind of encouragement. Why? Its like people watch from a distance not really wanting to get involved. I really don't know what to make of it. Perhaps folks are simply too wrapped up in their own problems? To be fair some people have given support (People like Johnzilla,Damonzilla,Fatishazilla,Dadzilla,Antoniozilla,Lymanzilla,Davidzilla,Stanzilla,Markzilla,Mackiezilla)
but when I started my crowd funding efforts the results were meager. Sometimes I get the idea people are just waiting to see if you fail at something and if the business takes off then they might wanna jump on board or try to be your friend when things are working out and the money is pouring in. I'm not bitter? I am happy my cartoon came out after all the hard work and shit I have had to endure in my quest to make it happen when so many doubted me yet it does sting to realize as a gay man I may never get support from the gay and lesbian community. As a black man I might not ever really gain support from the black community either. It just feels like that sometimes. It feels like in hundreds of years people might look back at my work and say "Damn he really did accomplish some cool stuff but why the hell didn't people support him? Maybe he was before his time" And there are times I feel like I was born in the wrong time. People are often so cruel in this age and theres so much hate,anger and racism along with homophobia that at times it does feel overwhelming. People are literally losing their minds. You don't have to just turn the news on to see the negative effect its all having on the world as a whole. If I'd been born two hundred years from now I'd like to believe society will have matured enough to the point where things aren't so crazy you know?  I do believe in what I'm doing and I love the black and gay communities but the writing is on the wall much of my support is probably not gonna come from them because they ain't ready. Most of them aren't. I hope that enough of them and the rest of the world gives me enough support that I can at least make a living doing what I love. What does Sergio love in a nutshell? He loves making art that will make the world a better place. Art that will make people smile or laugh. Maybe it'll make them get inspired to make their own art too instead of channeling that powerful energy in a destructive manner. Maybe they will think twice before they try to hurt someone who might be different from them too because of something they saw or read in something Sergio created. Sergio would really like it if he could be a part of a legacy like that.