Me vs Nintendo (?)

I purchased a WiiU earlier this year. I gotta say its a great little system that I enjoy yet there are some problems which irk the hell out of me. First lets talk about the good things so you can see why I bought the thing in the first place. No cost for online! Gratis. Its free ya'll. But like the PS network there are still kinks to be worked out. And like PSN its getting better. Its HD! Yea! It sure looks nice on my 22inch LG. I can see individul spots on Luigis cat costume in 1080 at 60 fps. Thats cool. You can use those red green and blue component cables if you like. Theres no ethernet hole to plug in this time around so if you don't have wi-fi you're screwed. Well unless you have one of those Wii dongles they made you buy when they could have clearly just put a port there. (AHEM!) So anyway... The controller is a cool piece of tech. Its pretty big and tablet shaped. It also has a six inch screen on it with a camera and mic. A great feature to be sure yet practically no one uses it. Nintendo doesn't even support skype and that is such a waste in my opinion. Still it is wonderful you can take the gamepad into another room and continue playing your game. Most of the WiiU games support this feature however I've yet to see a commercial actually illustrate this to the public. Actually most people don't even seem to know this machine exists. Its only just recently that Nintendo has started really promoting the console. The commercials are terrible. Like dumbed down and sterile advertisements made not to offend anyone.  Moving on...
Another feature I like is the Miiverse. Its a social interaction community. Sorta like Facebook only if Facebook were safe and no one was allowed to be rude or to curse. Believe me it feels so GOOD to log on to play games and not have to deal with sexist assholes,racists or homophobic neanderthals with no common courtesy skills. I am ashamed to say from my own experience as a gamer over the years many gamers fit that description which is why my Xbox360 mic is off as is my PS3 mic. In fact I can not even recall the last time I used chat in a game because of all the jerks out there who make it so bad for the rest of us that Microsoft and Sony have been forced to take drastic measures to protect people. Even at the cost of removing cool features from the consoles. Now the gamepad second screen is great when it works but I goota say the distance needs to be improved. Also the battery life is godawful. The second screen idea has been used before in gaming. The PSP offered a neutered form of it as does the PSVita although Sony seems poised to do more with this feature in the future. It will likely keep the Vita alive as Vita TV seems to have flopped. Thank GOD that Nintendo gave us the option of using our own external harddrives unlike some "other companies". There is no DRM crap either so you can sell or trade your games without having to worry about getting charged a fee when you boot a used game up in your console. The system does not rely on an internet connection to function however you can't play dvds,blu-rays or CDs on the system. (You do have Netflix,Youtube, Amazon apps and a pretty decent web browser. Its even capable of viewing PDFs now thanks to a recent update!) Neither does the WiiU support any sort of MP3 playback feature. Thats kinda wierd because even the Wii let you listen to music from SD cards while viewing photos. Theres no photo support at all on WiiU. I had a 500 gig harddrive I forgot about which was passed on to me from a deceased person earlier this year so i hooked it up to my WiiU. Its not likely I will use all that space. If it was the Xbox360 or PS3 it would be different as there plenty of content to download. Nintendo doen't even let you save movies you buy from amazon on the harddrive. Oh yeah once you format the harddrive for the console you cannot use it for anything else. That sucks too.
Thankfully friend codes are a thing of the past (if you are over 18) because they were what I hated most about the Wii. This really made it VERY difficult to make friends with people on the consoles. But you just try asking someone to be your friend or to videochat with you on a nintendo console. I think people just assume you are a child molestor or something.  I found this out the hard way when i atrempted to start a videogame review show on youtube using the WiiU system.  I can't count on one hand the number of people willing to chat and they ended up flaking on me. So what did I do? Well determined to support this all but dying console (not enough 3rd party support) and raise awareness,I purchased a second WiiU console. I figured that would be the only way i could have someone actually join me in chat sessions for my idea. Had to splurge for a videogame footage capture device too but hey...it was a worthy investment right? I dunno man. So far I gave the WiiU to three people to take home and use as they pleased. The only stipulation was that they create an account on Nintendo network and do a videochat session with me once or twice a week for a couple of hours to discuss games,pop culture or to do reviews. Each time it got awkward because I had to have the person return the console. People I trusted and believe in told me to my face they would make time to help me and would LOVE to have such and opportunity yet I learned many people lack motivation for anything unless theres money involved which is no problem for me. I can afford to pay someone minimum wage for a couple of hours. No biggie. To complicate matters Nintendo shut my profile down on their network simply because I said in my profile I have a webseries on youtube called SonsofLegend. You are not allowed to post any way for people to contact you in "the real world" as the moderator told me. They froze my profile for a few days until I posted I understand I violated your policy and won't do it again. Gotta hand it to Nintendo for creating such a safe and carefully thought out online system but man they gotta get it together because right now I am so frustrated with having wasted so much money and time on what may be a console thats dead in the water. The online store has gotten better but it still feels sterile. The console simply needs more games. Yes I love Mario but we need more variety. I am tired of seeing Xbox and Playstation get all the big releases. Shit if they do release a big game Nintendo doesn't advertise it and DLC is ALWAYS late. I don't know what I am gonna do at this point but I am leaning towards abandoning this endeavor and just getting an Xbox1 or PS4 as they are more geared towards taking advantage of social features like game footage sharing and videochat without assuming we are all wackos. Not saying Nintendos fear are unwarranted. People drawing penises became an issue in Miiverse posts (only here in the US) and the y had to shut down one of the cool features of the 3DS called swapnote because people were sending nasty shit to each other. Its hard to be family friendly because there is always some nutjob who will try to test the waters and then you have to hire folks to monitor everything. Ugh! As it stands my little brother might be getting himself a slightly used black limited edition WiiU with 32 gigs of onboard memory. It just feel like the videogame review idea may be a lost cause and I have to look at the writing on the wall and effectively EAT IT.  The 3rd person to get the WiiU is returning it next week so until then I will continue my search for a co-moderator. Placed an ad on Craigslist offering minimum wage so we will just have to wait and see if anyone is interested in making alittle extra money in this experiment. I even took to facebook and did some googling for WiiU chat groups. We will see what happens...

Some of those things people are not supposed to talk about (but I'm going to anyway)

"The only reason you're here is because your grandpappies didn't run fast enough"- Angela Bassett quote from American horror story season 3.

Brought me here
against my will
whipped my ass
over and over
and over again,
how bitter this betrayal stings
because I suspect it may have been
an inside job.
What am I doing here in this place
this cold weather
so far from my tropical climate?
You brought me here
kept me as your thing
and yet I thrived
not your thing anymore
but I don't really feel
Free.
You tore a hole in my soul.
Are you mad because I don't belong to you anymore?
How much longer will you and I struggle to forget/forgive
what had happened?
I do not hate you
for the intimate yet dreadful past we share
for you truth be told
are not altogether unpleasant to gaze upon.
I just want to understand
why you can't accept me as your equal.
This isn't declaring you owe me anything
as I am surviving
thank GOD.
This is more of a question...
How much longer can ANY of us survive
if we don't share the wealth?
***

Some of you
some of you tell me
terrible things
about me
about others like me
you say we
(what we are)
is wong.
you like to throw that word around
(not the f"" word)
the ABOMINATION word.
You say that we have a spirit in us
and we cannot enter the kingdom of Heaven.
I say where is your proof
and what if you're wrong?
What then will he do to you and yours
for all the legacies of hate
you have unleashed upon us?
***

Anyone ever tell you
you are actually cute?
I notice you man
can see beauty you probably don't even know you have.
You are a sexy guy.
You have a nice body
Nice arms
Nice legs
kissable lips.
Bet you don't even think of yourself that way.
You are wise beyond your years
you carry yourself with a refined swagger
so easily slipping below the radars of those
with their preconcieved notions of
what is hot or not.
I see you there on the street
you don't have a home
no job
no car
and I understand your situation
I've been there.
Would love you if I could
would love you if you would
give up some of those self destructive behaviors
that keep you on the streets.
It hurts knowing all I can do is watch from a distance
hoping oneday
you'll get your shit together.
Right now loving you
taking care of you
It would be a 24 hour job with no guarantee of success
and I don't believe you want any help I can give.
You're not ready.
Still in that
lying
using to get anything you want mode.

I haven't given up on you.

***
Brother
you are gorgeous
but you don't speak to me
seen me for so long
coming and going
everyday
from work
to work.
Maybe you saw me one day when I slipped up and wore my job uniform on the train
yeah it does say where I work on it
and you don't wanna be associated with
"our kind"
Right?
Only thing is
here in this city
so many other brothers do the same thing to me.
Is it a light skinned thing?
Or are they in ghetto mode
or what I see really is their happy face?
I dunno.
One minute they talk
then the next
they act like they don't know me
and some of them I have seen online.
What up with that?
They confuse the hell out of me
so much of the time.
And it hurts because they are just so fucking
gorgeous!
Maybe they'd like me if they knew me?
Maybe just maybe true black brotherhood is dead...
What else am I supposed to think?

***
There are moments I wonder
Why do the cops watch me so?
Why do people slow down so I can pass when I am walking behind them
Slow down
speed up
what does it all mean?
Do you REALLY think I am following you?
Once another black man stopped
turned around and demanded to know why I was following him
he wanted to know where I was going
After I said
"I'm going home from work"
I simply kept walking.
***
There are moments I wonder if some people are possessed
by a spirit that wants to fuck with me
I'll be just walking along and then then I'll enter the train
Its all quiet
peaceful
then this ONE person will just suddenly start acting crazy
and when I do dare to make eye contact with them
well
most of the time I get the feeling somebody else is driving.
They are looking at me but not looking at me
then it seems I was invisible until I made eye contact.
But I don't really feel in danger
How to explain this stuff?
Some of you out there understand even if you don't say.
Its a whole nother world out there most will never comprehend.
Can't really help it
being drawn into this shit
spiritually attuned creature that I am
Its why sometimes spirits follow me around
static shocks
dreams of familiar people I don't know
and electronic things disturbed by electromagnetic disruptions
(Why is is some of us can deal with these things while others lose it?)
***
They don't see me.
Sometimes I swear they don't.
Because I don't attact them.
Not those my eyes fall on.
Usually its
Older
and usually
somewhat effeminate
hardly ever black...
hardly ever black,
so what does that say about me?
Sometimes I wonder if
maybe I just am not good enough for them
don't even know if I should care anymore.
Been told theres nothing wrong with me
but there comes a point when you have to wonder
am I doing something wrong?
I don't know whats up
but the shit keeps happening.
The looks
security watching me in stores
people locking their car doors at stop lights
and they won't sit next to me on the train/bus.
People stare
looking at me funny
They laugh
sometimes maybe they're not even talking about me
but for so long it has been about me
At times I can't tell my friends from my enemies.
So I stay in the damn house.
***
Halle Berry said in cloud Atlas sometims she feels like the universe is against her.
Do you ever feel like that?
Do you ever feel
dirty
filthy
foul
in the presence of other people?
Whats happening to me?
I'm the good guy
The hero
The one who would fight to help the helpless.
Am I supposed to stick to the shadows
unable to be loved
unsexy
Is this the reward for the so called heroes of the world?
We live not for ourselves
like the golden child.
Seems the more I struggle to be understood
I achieve the opposite.
I think I am supposed to rejoice in this gift
this curse
to inspire
to change
something in people
to bring comfort
yet in all honestly I think I have never felt it.
Who could in such a rapidly changing world?
People with agendas willing to kill because they believe its their god commanding
People who kill just because
(are they really mental or is there something else in effect here?)
***
So much poison in the air
the water
So many animals won't be here in a hundred years
One tries not to focus on the negatives but some days are better than others man I tell you.
Some days the walls are closing in
makes me wanna run from the literal life or death decisions
some of us artists are creating for our lives at the speed of our lives.
I tell you the truth man/woman
when I see so much evil man does
I can scarcely even call myself of this race in this place
because it makes no damn sense.
I am a collection of
so much assorted DNA
deja vu
and psychic energies flowing into me
feel like I need to go live in some quiet wooded area
to quiet my rattled nerves
need it so bad that it can't come quickly enough.

Gotta get OUT of this city.
***
I am not a whore
but I think of them
of him
his smell
his hard arms
Him inside me
Why do I do this when I probably have you my man?
I wonder if I should trust you completely.
Thought I caught someone else's scent the other day when I came home from work
Something about that guy leaving the building as I climbed the stairs got my attention too?
Paranoid much?
You say you love me
Even bought me a little goldfish
and I named him "Rufus".
He's a dark red reminder to me
that I need someone to take care of.
I thought it was you
Now I wonder what I am missing.
I've heard it said a broke man will give you all he has
and when I'm with you it feels like
you are giving me your all.
Yet still I think of them
of him
thinly muscular
bad breath
but something about that brown skin
that laugh
those tattoos
and what he did when he was
sooooo so deep inside.
Thoughts of it still make me lightheaded.
I thought he could have been my soulmate
but his kind...
They are no ones soulmate
even if when they are inside you
the whole world seems to stop.
We were probably not supposed to happen.
He wasn't really good enough for me
and I can't stop thinking about that d...
Damn.
Does that make me a whore?
Then theres the one who surprised me
with his kisses
his generosity
his passion that knocked him out after his deeds were done.
however we didn't have anything in common
took me all over the world
introduced me to so many things
taught me some class
but it was the right thing to do
when I walked away.
Was I a trophy
He did admit to taking me for granted at times.
I miss him
sometimes I do.
He was warmer than most
funny/fuzzy
with beautiful dark skin and a smooth bald head.
Why couldn't I make myself love him enough to stay?
He was like so many of the others
The smokers
The drug addicts
those with HIV
Seizures
muscles
big homes and fancy cars
big incomes
and big wisdom for so many things
They all fell to the wayside because of the one who may not be perfect
but he may be perfect for me
and I gotta leave again
probably into someone elses arms eventually.
What is this game I am playing?
I swear to GOD I am not a whore.
I am just a man who wants to eat his cake and have it too.
(Like Teena Marie said)
Maybe one of these days I will have it
will meet that one
who won't turn out to be a bottom so we can live
happily ever after
(No thats not whoreish thinking so don't even try it!)
***

I did so want to move in 2014 but saving moolah is gonna be tough. I have to focus on the Detecter Pig cartoon and my two full length projects. Not to mention getting the videogame project off the ground. It seems a bit much but believe me there is a method to my madness. Other projects in the mixing pan are the videogame review project utilizing the WiiU and a comic book project. It will be alittle strange after The Crazy African moves out (his nickname) but on the other hand I have trouble focusing at times when he's around so I should be able to get more done in 2014. He moves out after Jan 1st.
My brother wants to come visit and I don't know if thats gonna be possible. Still if I do decide to push my move to June 2015 that will give me more flexibility in my plans. As it stands I am gonna take a trip to Detroit in March 2014 to check out the city and look at job opportunities. Comic Con is coming up in July 2014 and I definitely plan to go this time. Mostly because Leslie and them will be debuting the Detecter Pig pilot so I as producer,creator and writer need to be present. It'll be amazing to see my baby finally getting some big time exposure. The adventures of Tony P. Pigg will also no doubt help draw some attention to SOL which still hasn't quite caught on with the public. Youtube has been a wonderful medium yet I need to expand to a bigger more mainstream canvas to showcase my art. Both SonsofLegend and DragonManx will launch with amazing season 2 premieres as I have been able to learn so much about effective filmmaking even AS I stumble towards some semblance of semi-perfection. Yeah I realize nothing will ever be perfect but it'll get to the point where I'm satisfied with it.
***
The Christmas party at the job was today. Of course I didn't go. Not big on parties. Sometimse I think I should be but this Sergio of 2013 is kinda shy and self conscious so I tend to avoid people when I can. Never fit in and all you know? Maybe I never will. When I'm rich and famous folks will like me more. Will wanna spend more time with me. They'll accept me more when I start going to the gym. I know they will. Thats the way it is. I'm too busy making sure my future is alright to really focus on having a social life right now. Always on the move. Always planning some project. Even if you don't hear me talk about it. Time is money and if it don't make dollars it don't make sense. But I'd be lying to say sometimes a part of me sees others doing things and I feel out of touch. Like life is passing by and I could be missing things I can't get back. Mostly right now my mind is set on this videogame review thing thats been coming and going for awhile. Don't like failure. So despite all the crazy setbacks I refuse to give up. Going against all common sense. I feel like theres something going on with me because I have a tendacy to obsess over a project. Could be a good thing. A bad thing. A mild form of schizo I guess. Could this be fixed? Well perhaps she is not the best role model but Lady Gaga said if she fixed her mental issues it would affect the creative process.  Does that then in turn mean I should be thankful to all the humans who helped contribute to some of my fucked upness? Hmmm....  Ain't gonna lie. I did THINK about going to the party. Free food is always a good thing. Its just I don't really feel like getting up,taking the train to my job then coming back home and having to leave again later. Last night me and a co-worker were talking about the party and we got on how fast time flies. Its been seven years since I got hired by the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center. Seven years. Its been seven years well spent. This job has great benefits after all. Medical,dental and holiday pay. Vacation and personal days. Sick leave. Its the best job I have ever had for sure. Its helped me pay for my webseries and even provided locations occasionally for filming. I am grateful and oneday when I have enough money/power I will give a generous donation to the place that took care of me like a parent who loves their child even if sometimes they don't quite understand him. It does seem the center is always looking for funding. It is bewildering to me that with so many gay/lesbian/bi celebrities out there we don't have more donations coming in. Its the same with black filmmakers. There are those of us in power but the support needs to be better. (Sigh) I'm gonna make plans to go to the party next year...(Stomach growls)
***
Mr Actor
Sir
I am taken by you
often dreaming of
being taken by you.
The way you carry yourself
I would be lying if I said
I didn't love you the first time I laid eyes on you.
So perfect
Suave
masculine
so supernaturally intelligent.
Seems we were made for each other
in so many way
but it matters not as you could not
in a million lifetimes
love me.

You are my secret crush.

If only I could see you again.
Its been
so many years
and in so many ways
you never left me.

How crazy is that?

Wow. Hard to believe its been a year since you left us.  The world continues to turn for sure but Grandma so much has changed about this world. Sometimes I wish truthfully that I could somehow fly away from here on a rocket to get away from all the madness but I am still here chasing these dreams. You know what I’m talking about….the film thing….the cartoon thing….and now I wanna make my own videogames.  Everyday I chase after these dreams so I can blot out all the chaos….news reports of people going on shooting sprees,families being murdered or the numerous terrorist organizations that want to kill us. Its crazy. Then again it was always kinda crazy I guess. Just not this bad. I’m sitting here listening to music that you might have heard before in some capacity. This neo soul infused rap stuff. This music will always have a place in my heart for it invokes so many memories of life and a world that didn’t always seem so horrifying so much of the time.  You know Mommy still misses you so much. Of course you know. I don’t even think she’s been to your grave yet.  Not since they laid your body to rest. I haven’t been back either. You know I miss you too. Its all jumbled up in here with all the other stuff going on in my head. I don’t have to dig very deep to bring it to the surface. The sadness. The sheer helplessness and sense of loss when someone goes away and the thought of never seeing you again….it doesn’t make any sense at all. People looking so young then they get old then the bodies fall apart….they break down just like a machine and I hate it. We do tend to take folks for granted while they are here then when they leave us its so difficult to make peace with it at times. Still I don’t accept its all over and we’ll not see each other again. Sometimes Grandma I feel like I would give almost anything just o hug you again even if it were only for a few seconds. I really miss you and I miss Grandma Mary. I miss everyone who I lost. I cried so much at your funeral. The tears just came as I fell apart. Geez. How many people have actually seen me that way before? But it goes to show despite all I have been thru that there is still a part of me which is still human. Emotional. It’s a part of me that gives strength yet its something I could be guilty of running from to a degree. If I stop to be the family guy and the lover what energy will I have to obsess over these dreams? I cannot lie to you Grandma….so much of the time I feel this is all I have left to give this world or this life. I’m not really the handsome muscular type. I’m not really ugly but other than my talent people mostly see me as invisible. Being invisible seems cool to one who has been laughed at and hated so much that its turned one into an emotionally stunted creature. At the same time it hurts to be ignored or to feel one does not matter at all. This world is so crazy therefore I know we all must strive to make some contribution towards its improvement. Well we should. I think so. Anyway. Mostly my accomplishments and victories have been small or modest. For real. No ones patting me on the shoulder or saying great job and your life matters. Largely I have come to accept I may be some sort of a ghetto superstar. Theres nothing wrong with that I suppose. Its good to maintain some anonymity. I gotta learn to be less concerned about how people perceive me. They’ve never understood me anyway. They tend to as Michael once said “throw me in a class with a bad name”. Some of the times I think another man in my place would have become the very monster people wanna make me out to be. Yet….thanks to my faith….my comic books….my art…..those LOUD videogames and your love I ended up being a good monster. I guess in the end that’s all that matters. I guess it really is the quiet small victories that are our own personal epic quests.

As I sit here at work listening to this chilled hip hop and neo soul mix from youtube streaming from my vita my mind wanders down city streets at night. Its primarily quiet. Its all lit up. Not too many people walking around. There might be some fog or is it steam coming from the sewers below? So many times in my past I wandered these streets not lost,not afraid. My heart longs for these peaceful times when the thought patterns flow freer of psychic blockage from the mortals because….they are sleeping. Those of us who dare to dream and embrace the title of visionary are always at our strongest here in these night streets of any city/planet (wherever). You see how your Grandson turned out? He is restless Grandma. This is why its often hard for me to be around other people. My semi soul is restless. Always in flux. You see how I multitask? That’s doing more than one thing at a  time. Whats wrong with me? I have a lover right now. He lives with me. Not sure what to call it actually. Could be something forever if I let it be only I don’t plan to remain in this here city another year. So over Cali. So over being spread out and isolated in a city full of talent. It’s a click I was never able to get in with. Just like Nintendo I have usually gone off and done my own thing anyway. Never one to conform I’m afraid. Always one to think outside the box. Maybe it is true I’m some kind of leader. Destined to be alone from the pack because I march to this here beat. Have to follow where my heart leads me and its telling me to get the hell out of dodge. Its like a song I keep hearing over and over in my mind. It makes me look out the window sometimes like an animal hearing the call of the wild somewhere out there far away is the secret to the answers I seek. Fatisha finally took your picture down off her facebook profile. I knew it would happen eventually but it was sooner than I expected. She gave her tribute to you in her own way. Fatisha took your passing better than me and Bev I think. Poor “Miss Big Nose” She cried so much and had to bolt from the church hall during the viewing of your body. I still don’t know why I didn’t get up to run after her to comfort her. How much was I really there? It seemed surreal in a way. My niece was holding my hand and I think I tuned that out for a minute. Then the dam broke and I began to sob spilling so many tears these eyes started to burn. The tissues seemed to irritate my eyes even more.  Bevs oldest daughter read a poem I’d written about you. Were you there? You know/knew how much we loved you. My GOD Grandma (maybe?) you have seen how life has been since you left. Its crazy down here. I know you are in a better place for all the good you have done. You did the best you could and your legacy of love,hope and faith will live on forever in us. You fed us. Clothed us. Tended us while we were sick. Yes you kicked our asses when we got out of line and sometimes perhaps you went too far but I forgive you as it made me all the better. I miss you so much more than words can say. Call it being selfish. I know you suffered for awhile before you came to know the reward of peace and this world can no longer bring you harm. I celebrate your life and oneday I want to be the miracle in someones life you were in mine. The person who like Grandma Mary walked in when most of the other folks shook their heads and walked away. I was a mess. But I think I’m gonna be alright. I think I’m on the right path. Just gotta follow this heart of mine. Before I leave Cali there are some loose ends I need to tie up. My brother and I haven’t spoken in almost a year Grandma. We barely know each other. I blame myself for letting that happen. My plan now is to get some time off work and maybe put together a trip for both of us. Nothing like a good adventure to bring people together. One of my co-workers took a month off work. Perhaps I should do that? I have an idea. Maybe next year I can take Joshua with me on a trip to some far off city I’ve always wanted to visit. Theres this crazy idea in the back of my mind about taking him camping which is something I have always wanted to do. What do you think of that? I already know the answer. No chance! I can see you smiling though and that tells me you like my idea.  I am so glad I got to see you before you left. Joshua didn’t come to your funeral for his own reasons and I think it shows  a disconnect Grandma. Am I old fashioned for thinking families need to try and stay better connected? Shit I missed a few funerals myself over the years. Not gonna lie. Things sure have changed.

Cellphones. A black President. Wireless internet. We are moving forward so fast it scares me that some basic things are being left behind in the rush to progress. People are still hungry. Homeless. More prisons are being built. Seems they are mostly being filled with black and Hispanic men. I think so many of us are just so fucking (sorry) angry Grandma we simply don’t know what to do with out anger. I see so many of these enraged and mentally broken brothers and I don’t know if I should cross the street or hug them. I have my own issues and for the most part I think they would reject me for being gay anyway. So I keep my distance. Sometimes I think if I had the money I’d give to some cause to help brothers anonymously yet never actually get involved personally because I’m the outcast. Isn’t that crazy? But I’ve always been the outcast. Don’t know if I know how to be anything else other than love from a distance. Did you know I had to deal with homophobic neighbors for over ten years before they finally stopped messing with me? I guess they realized I wasn’t gonna move out because of them. Theres been some spiritual stuff going on as well. I don’t have to tell you that there are forces in this world (mainly people) who don’t want to see anyone else happy especially when they are miserable and too stupid to do anything about it. I think its easier for people to lash out at others than to try and take responsibility for their own situations. That is my only real answer for why there is so much evil in this world. Many are just lazy. And yeah I am generalizing.  Just the other day someone was shooting at a mall in NJ. Someone also shot up some people at LAX. Months ago there was the Boston marathon tragedy and a college campus shooting incident. One of my co-workers had her iphone stolen. (That’s a cellphone thingie) Same thing happened to another co-worker who was jumped. Police officers were all over the train stations during Halloween and the 4^th of July. One of the janitors told me he and a friend saved a guy from getting gay bashed recently just down the street from here. I don’t wanna sound all doom and gloom or negative but man there are times I don’t even wanna leave my apartment. Yeah its no way to live when you are just afraid to go out but I was kinda like that as a kid. People used to pick on me a lot and I am sure you remember how much I hated going to school. It was often a nightmare. I was always kinda  sensitive and bullies only made it worse.  This is why sometimes I feel so much anger at humanity. Yeah I know I can’t blame everybody for the actions of some but sometimes all the faces look the same to me. There are triggers. Things that have a way of transforming me back into that frightened little kid. I’m an adult now but the world still can be a big ugly scary place.  I used to want some big strong guy to come and protect me but in time I came to realize in real life the big muscular guy would likely piss his pants and run away from what I know is out there. I would have to try and save his ass. As out of shape as I am right now I am sure that would be some really entertainment to watch.  And despite all that is going on I am still doing my little films….webseries is what they are called Grandma. So far its been like four years. I’d like to believe my art has improved. Its kinda hard for me to watch them because I see so many mistakes I have made. But some episodes are pretty damned good. (You think I curse too much?) Okay realistically speaking I could put together a trailer right now that might get my concept sold or take the other route of showing my stuff at film festivals next year.  Part of me wants to reboot everything or simply jump into full length projects as I’m not making any money from any of my webseries so far. I’m so leery of hiring an agent but after spending so much money and being ripped off by parasites (people who like to take you for what they can Grandma) I am considering hiring this man who says he can help me package and get my work in the right hands. It would be nice to start making some moolah from all this hard work you know? I’m tired of being broke. Grandma could you ask GOD to give me a grant???

Liberian Man

You came into my life
just in time
just in the nick of time
to save me from plunging too deep into the darkness
Man...
You saw something in me no other brother ever has
or likely ever will again.
How can I explain this?
When we first met there was attraction
and the sex was hot
yet I wasn't all that important
then something changed.
I don't know what happened
Maybe someone talked to you
because you became ALOT more romantic suddenly.
You'd call
when before you didn't
You actually started to care.
Now ain't that something?
(But hey I still don't completely trust you)
Theres so much on my plate brother
I fear that inevitably I'll have to break your heart
Los Angeles won't be my home for much longer
I gotta tie up some loose ends here
then I'm out of here.
So what will you do?
What will become of you?
Of us?
Man I believe you can survive ANYTHING!
When you were young your tribe took you
turned you over held you down and took those razor blades
to give you the marks on your back that will never go away.
It was a rite of passage no child should endure
But it made you a man
Like your father did in his harsh way
when he punished you for feminine gestures.
I thank GOD for that believe me!
You have the perfect body
perfect dark chocolate skin
a kind spirit about you.
Fire like your last name
I can't understand how your kinsmen would want to hunt you
outed by an angry woman you lost everything
gave it all up to flee here to America
(They would have killed you if you'd stayed)
And I just want to love you
yet part of me holds back.
I doubt you'll ever completely understand my dilemma.
But you'll be okay
I won't leave until I make sure you are.
Oneday it will get easier
you'll have your citizenship
here in this crazy country
which kidnapped our people
killed so many of the Indians
keeps trying to kill all us gays
while crazy people with guns run rampant
seemingly always on the prowl with their agendas and explosions.
Don't get me wrong man
I love it here but
its changed so much from the US of A I once knew.
This is a crazy time to be moving here let me tell you
but you watch the news and you KNOW.
Just be careful who you let into that heart of gold.
I love you my gentle Mandingo warrior
my lovemaking sweet scented storm bringer.
You will always be remembered as
the one who
reminded me things I forgot about love
You'll go down in history
as the man who
taught me I was worthy
of an awesome lover.

A DRAGONMANX NOVEL

“The Evil disease”

Written by Sergio W Willis

CHAPTER 1

ENTER DUNCAN

I’ve been at this game for awhile now. Fifty something years although you’d never notice. That’s because I age slowly. To be honest the doctors aren’t sure I’m even aging at all anymore. But at times like these I feel old or like I’m getting old. Being a superpowered agent for the UN for so long you’d think I’d have seen everything. Demons,ghosts,werewolves,vampires,zombies,aliens…. Monsters….some were men or manmade. I dunno….perhaps mankind is actually the most dangerous of all as he was said to have been made in the creators image. All the power and potential of a god wrapped up in one mass of uncertain purpose. Often most don’t even come close to tapping into a fraction of the potential they possess. Yet theres one thing all humans have in common. Well from my experiences anyway…. Its shades of grey. The capacity for great acts of good or evil. So much of the time when I look around it does seem as though the forces of evil have taken over this world. Honestly. I have spent so much of my life fighting evil. When you are constantly exposed to something theres no getting around becoming quite intimate with it even if you HATE it. So yeah I KNOW evil. I’m no angel and can admit to the darkness inside me. At moments it disturbs me yet over time I came to realize this darkness gives me the power to dig deep enough to destroy it. Others would just go insane or become corrupted by it. You see I do understand the true nature of evil. It’s certainly a living entity. It operates like unto a virus. Maybe that’s exactly what it is….

At El Camino college Duncan E Lincoln ran around the track pushing himself to go just one more lap even as the heavy fog seemed determined to impede his progress. Dressed in long grey shorts and a grey muscle shirt; he wondered jokingly whether or not he were trapped in some horror film. Slowing his pace Duncan looked at the watch he wore on his right arm, then a glance up at the cloudy morning skies made him decide to call it a day. He’d already felt a few drops of rain earlier. Best not to take chances as he didn’t have an umbrella handy. Duncan wasn’t fond of water at all. He took off his shirt,slung it over his shoulder then began the trek back to his car which was parked a mile away. He ignored a call on his cellphone as he crossed a street.

That’s when I saw him…. Tall. Six feet two inches. Light brown skinned. Almost like honey. I guess. Thick eyebrows that faintly touched in the middle. And…what a body. I try to look past such things but… He took my breath away. It was weird. Perfect timing too. Our eyes met right when I noticed him. Wow. Something went thru me. It wasn’t lust. It was as if someone who knew my soul took their hand and caressed my heart. He must have felt it too because we both just STOPPED. It was something else I’ll tell you. Instinct I’m sure. I gave him a look full of questions and he directed me with a look. I just stood there waiting as he came over to me. Those eyes made me feel like I was on complete blast. This was insane! “Whats up?” He wanted to know. Made me wish I’d worn my sunglasses but I’d basically stopped wearing them because they sometimes gave me headaches. All I could think to say was…

“I’m over here for a run. But it looks like rain. Maybe I should cancel” We both laughed alittle.

“Yeah? Maybe you should.” His expression along with his body language said “YOU DEFINITELY SHOULD”

He smiled. “That’s interesting because I’m coming from a run right now myself”

He didn’t have to tell me. I could smell him. Perspiration. Pheremones. Masculine sexually powerful POWER. Not much in the way of deodorant either which was fragrant candy crack to my animal senses.

The next few moments are a blur for in truth I don’t remember much after. We’d exchanged names at some point I’m sure but we were in some back alley and Duncan had me up against a wall while we were kissing each other like our lives depended on it. Just what the hell was going on here?

“Hey um Goyangee you live around here?” I shook my head.

“I was visiting a friend”

“A friend?” He asked with a sheepish grin.

“Its not like that. I’m on a job. But uh….”

“But uh what?”

“We could get a hotel”

Duncan kept looking at me. It was like he wasn’t sure what to make of this but the ball was fully in my court. Probably didn’t believe me but I was serious. Only moments later we were checking into a nearby hotel. Moments after that we were in a room stripping out of our clothes like maniacs and Duncan grabbed me up to lay me down on the bed. Yep dude was strong…. for a human. He pulled me close letting our lips devour each other once again…

Touching this mans skin was like touching electricity because all my senses seemed to explode at the speed of light. My hands felt his powerful arms taking in their splendor like some kind of scanning device. Skin to skin the essence of him poured into my every pore. Lost was I in some frenzied state. I’d become a wild beast screaming to be uncaged. Indeed my body trembled especially with Duncans moans of manly domination. I think I had a moment of clarity but he dominated again pulling me back gripping me tighter then his teeth found my neck and my eyes rolled back whilst he put his mark on me. Or marks I should say. Oh my god the blood rushed to my head! I kissed him on the shoulder tasting salty potency. I wanted to taste more. With my eyes the message was sent and Duncan let me drift down to a shaft that was so large it gave me pause. Whoah! I didn’t think it would be possible for me to…! Duncans entire body tensed like hardened steel while his widened stare welcomed the surprise of my skills. It wasn’t long before he gathered me up then fiery hot pleasured pain of passion shot through me as he entered kissing me deeply to bring some relaxation to my rapid heartbeat. My hands transformed slightly to claws to rake that moistened stone hard mountain of a back. No way could I have held in my moans as I went into sensory overload. Duncan all at once gripped me as if seeking to cover me from a storm.

“I’m coming…. I’m…!”

But he wasn’t the only one. I thought of myself suddenly being thrust into outerspace as the proverbial rug was seemingly snatched from under whatever I had resembling a soul. I gave up the seed gasping gripping erratically at hurricane Duncan. The lights in the room flickered reminding me of faint lightning fading with an ebbing storm. Did Duncan notice? Would he be cool with it? Just what was happening here and where was my reasoning?

When we were done we just laid there for awhile basking in the moment,the memory. He was still inside and every now and then I’d become aware of his scent and my body would involuntarily tremble. This was strange to me…holding on to this man felt as though we were as one…mentally….physically….psychically. Never before had I experienced anything similar. We were both lost in the moment. Breathing in the same rhythm. It was peace. Who wouldn’t want to hold on to that? Whenever my thoughts would wander my heartbeat would quicken. Duncan somehow sensed the change. His reaction was to hold on tighter. It was reassurance. Who was this guy??? That was my last thought before sleepiness crept upon both of us apparently.

CHAPTER 2

AFFLICTION

When I awoke we were still wrapped in each others arms. Duncan was smiling down at me.

“Sup?” He wanted to know.

“Hah. That….was… Wow man I really have no words”

He grinned like he knew something.

“So I take it you enjoyed?”

“Oh yeah. That’s the understatement of the year”

Duncan kept looking at me. His expression changed ever so slightly to that of questioning. Busted.

“Your secret is out”

I tried to play it off alittle.

“Uh….”

He wasn’t buying it.

“Man please. I didn’t make the lights blink like that. Its cool. I fuck with paranormals”

“Yeah obviously”

“That’s not what… Oh you got jokes?”

“Sometimes.”

“Huh. Like I said its cool.”

“Because you’re a paranormal yourself”

Duncan didn’t say anything. He seemed to be waiting for me to say more.

“Sensing when other people have powers is….one of my things”

Duncan remained quiet. He was being mysterious. I wanted him to feel more comfortable.

“Gotta say you feel way different than any other paranormal I’ve ever met”

“Way different?”

I think he wanted to laugh. Sorta.

“Yeah”

“You’re different too Goyangee.”

“What do you mean?”

Duncan slowly took his arms from around me.

“I gotta go”

“O-kay”

Duncan sat up on the side of the bed not facing me.

“Its not like that.”

I sat up to massage his back feeling myself getting pulled back by those pheremones of his again…

“Duncan man you have yourself some serious mojo”

Duncan got up from the bed and dressed quickly.

“I’ll talk to you later eh?”

He took my phone off the lamp table,saved his number on it then he was out the door.

-To Be Continued-

I used to be angry
so much of the time
but now I am focused.
The energy
everything I feel
I channel it all letting it flow out of me into these things I create.
Realizing there is much
we cannot control.
People will
hate
misjudge
gossip
and some will even try to
kill us
and if that is the path they have chosen to walk
its not really any of my business.
Some of my own supposed people
my brothers and sisters
have hurt me in ways that may never heal
perhaps I should have heeded my mothers words
She told me to look out for my own
She said some of your own people will hurt you
in ways that surpass anything the white man will do.
I have felt the sting of hatred
for so long
it has become a part of me
its made me sick
the racism
the homophobia.
So many have been poisoned by this world
sometimes I think my soul is tired
tired of this world
but theres always something there for me to hold on to
you see I am a loner
yet I will always have my dreams
my creativity
the videogames
the comic books
the music and the movies
the love of nature
my respect for the spiritual realms and those that inhabit it
as I myself walk in and out of these places.
My phone doesn't ring
Usually it is me in the bed alone
In a world of billions
I am alone
yet not really alone
because the spirits watch over me
this nomad
this person who these days shies away so much from humanity.
What have I become?
Better or worse?
Wiser?
So focused
on making a better future
my mind often lets the despair slip right thru my fingers.
This is how Sergio survives
This is his semblance of sanity.
Love me or leave me alone.

(Written to the music of Foreign Exchange and Nicolay)

The past couple of weeks have been surreal. The whole newness of being single and the struggle to put together new projects for this coming weekend. In a way I'm sure I am dealing with some sort of depression although I am happy that the projects are coming together despite all the obstacles involved. I miss "The Bear" in ways he will never know. I will never have anything bad to say about what we had because he is a good man. Whatever differences we might have had the underlying truth (for me)is the relationship was feeling more like a friendship. Add to the distance and all the work needed towards my career goals and something had to give. Life will go on thats all I have to say on this matter for now.

Yesterday I listened to a new song by Will I am off his new cd called "The World is crazy". It made me think of all the insane stuff going on in this world. The bombings last week at the Boston marathon....conflicts with Korea.... I thought alot about how living in this world amongst all the craziness has changed me. I took a cartoon "Paranorman" to make me REALLY think about how much of who Sergio is had become infected by all the madness and hatred of other people. Its not good to linger on these things yet you can't help but sometimes feel anger at the world. Like something was taken from you and even though you survive you might not ever completely be healthy because of shit people put you through. I got people who want to bomb me for whatever reasons. I got people who hate me because I'm gay. People hate me because I'm black. People don't wanna be a friend to me because of financial status. People don't wanna help me because no one really helped them and all they can find the energy for is trying to trample on my dreams. Teena Marie said "Stop the world I wanna get off!" Sometimes I swear there are moments when I wish I could just go to another planet to get away from all the negativity in this world. Yeah adversity helps make one strong and builds character yet I get so damn tired of feeling like society turned me into something theres no cure for. Something powerful but something feared. A kind hearted monster who will come and save the city when the bad monsters attack but when its all over I'll go back up to the forbidden mountains because I've no real desire to live amongst these strange creatures obsessed with killing themselves. Not saying I feel like that ALL the time. But a great deal of the time people disappoint me. But who's perfect right? Paranorman reminded me to not forget the good people. There have certainly been plenty of villains in my life (like the nuts who walk past my job and either yell nasty things or bang on the entrance) however the occasional hero emerges from time to time. I thank my maker for sending these angels who bring light when it seems all too much. Sergzilla is strong yet the creature still needs help once in awhile.

It seems like another one of those silly notions but I'd like to move DragonManx the series to another city. Another state even. Maybe Canada? Its not like I don't know people in Canada. At one point San Diego seemed like a good location but now my heart is set on an even bigger goal. So the main character of my spin off webseries is definitely heading for bigger and better things. It might even happen this year. Just gotta save up the money you know? Its become pretty obvious no one is gonna loan me any money or help me finance my projects. Its bittersweet because it hurts to not have that support. Maybe I shouldn't have it or want it? And just to be clear a handful of friends and family members have bailed me out on production woes but at this point things should be easier right? Then again if people keep helping you out there will probably come a time when they'll start applying the pressure for you to make some creative changes in your work. So it is a double edged sword. Better to have complete control over your shit I think. It does feel a bit weird being a black gay artist working within the gay community and feeling cut off from your peers. I keep feeling like I need to prove myself. Half the time I think I'm the only person Sergio needs to prove anything to. Because you know people are never really gonna be satisfied. Still the quality of my work HAS to improve. Sometimes I get so critical of my short films I don't even wanna watch them. Sometimes I just wanna start everything all over again. Maybe I will take a page from Ultimate Spiderman and skip ahead a year in the storylines. Thats sort of a reboot....

Its almost time to get outta here (Yes it is at work). But before the mad dash to wash out my coffee mug and hastily stuff my things back into the locker I wanted to make special mention of something that may get launched next month whilst I take a hiatus from SOL/DM to focus on other stuff. Stuff like my terribly neglected Detecter Pig cartoon. The special project is gonna be a talk show themed program on videogames. Might be doing this on vimeo or maybe there will be two versions. An all ages version on youtube and a more mature version for Vimeo a site I definitely need to gravitate more towards. No thats not saying I'll abandon Youtube. A brother just wanna expand you know? Stay tuned. Same bat channel and all that....

As I sit here listening to music from ZO! and Swing Out Sister on my vita I think about all the things that have happened to me in the past few months. Its a lot so I will do my best to catch you up on all of it. First of all I broke up with Blueberry Teddy Bear because I think the truth is we have grown apart. That was one issue. The other main issue being his health and well being which I feel is something he is taking lightly in some regards. Without giving out too much of his business. I was able to go see "The Bear" last month when he sent for me to accompany he and some friends on a trip to Canada. We met up in Detroit and then after hanging out we all caught a train over into Toronto. There were four of us altogether. This was a birthday celebration type of trip for one in our group. There were actually supposed to be six of us but she had to bow out because her cat had just had surgery which ran up a huge bill therefore she couldn't afford the trip.  Her running buddy bowed out because she wasn't coming. Now I was pretty sick the entire time and considered canceling because I'd broken out into a nausea induced cold sweat on my way to the LAX yet I still decided to stick it out with the hope I'd feel better. I did actually although I don't think I was able to go longer than five minutes without blowing my nose at any given time during the trip. It was nioce being back in Canada though. I plan to move to Canada at some point. Sooner than later. I am ready to escape Cali. Escape. This is exactly how I felt before I left North Carolina so many years ago. Still can't believe so much time has passed. The Sergster will actually be 44 this year. If I live that long. Hopefully I will. Hopefully a big meteorite won't hit the earth tomorrow and everyone will not get sucked into outerspace. Not sure even I could survive that. The way the world is these days one never knows what to expect anymore. Years ago when I first walked around Beverly Hills I shook my head at all the houses with their huge walls/fences that separated them from the rest of the world. Now I understand. Just yesterday some firefighters arrived at a residence in Georgia only to be taken hostage by a gunman who wanted to have his light bill turned back on. A swat team ended up gunning the guy down. How crazy is that? Whats even crazier is this type of thing happened in NY months ago. The world is becoming a place almost alien to me. The United States is changing in ways that make me long for how it used to be. But things can never go back to how they used to be. I realize that now. And you really wonder why some of us don't even want to to leave the house unless we absolutely have to?

So The Bear is mad at me. I can't say I blame him. After all he's done for me I ended things so abruptly. Then again I'd been voicing my concerns about things. So there were warnings I wasn't happy. I really wished he'd fought for me. Maybe its delayed reaction and in the workings? But the distance and lack of sexual chemistry just got to me. Its funny that an artist can be with someone who is not an artist yet I don't think someone who isn't an artist will ever totally understand you. You know? Then the irony is someone recently told me they don't date anyone else who works in the biz because its like mixing business with pleasure. I can only speak from my own observations but it seems to me plenty of artists are alone because in reality what we do IS our lover. Doesn't exactly keep you warm at night but (and not to discredit anyone) I think the average joe will always have a difficult time understanding us. Then when its over the average joe might have a hard time dating someone who isn't an artist because normal tends to be BORING. Yeah artists do have colorful personalities yet you may have to deal with the eccentricities as well. I have only had one lover who was an artist. He was a saxophone player. Somewhat reserved yet very happy most of the time. And a freak. He had a heart of gold as well. But I was too young and immature to realize what I had until it was too late.

How was Canada? It was fucking cold. And I enjoyed every minute I was there. Seeing the snow along with getting exposed to so many new and different cultures was amazing. The last time I visited Canada was back in 1984. This crazy white kid tried to drop a huge ass brick on my head from a bridge over me. I was looking at the water when all of a sudden there was the ginormous splash next to me. I looked up to see this little white girl and a little white boy running away from where the brick had fallen. Seems even in Canada white folks wanna kill black folks huh? I'm being funny of course because I love everybody. However if that brick had connected with my head it wouldn't have been a laughing matter at all. Seems my world didn't just start getting crazy recently with all the violence,weirdness and hate. Looks like its always been that way.

Was on the train yesterday when this guy came and sat in a chair close to me. I recognized him. By sight and SMELL. So a brother quickly jumped up to move. Somebody noticed an laughed but dude smells like piss and this one can't take it.  People always pee in the elevators in the train station and that shit STINKS. Wish they would put some videocams in there so they can catch who is doing it. Just last week there was this guy in a wheelchair all the way at the end of the train platform and dude was just trailing a trail of pee which had gathered up all around him. Of course this one made sure he didn't get on the train he did. LAWD!

The roommate finally moved out. Had to put him out because this guy was a real piece of work. Ugh. Imagine living with someone who has no value for your things and simply TAKES stuff without asking. Anything you might have laying around. Imagine someone who falls asleep with the door locked but not closed. Oh yeah. Then there was the lying and hygiene issues. Now dude is cute and I do not believe he is a genuinely evil person still there are some very real and immediate issues he's gonna need to deal with or he will likely end up slipping thru the cracks of society. I think some people know they are cute and use this to get what they want from people they can manipulate. Trouble is no matter how sneaky and smart you think you are there is always someone else sneakier and smarter. Trust me I know this to be true.

Lately "The Braxton Family Values" has become a favorite guilty pleasure of mine. I average about an episode a day. Those girls have such interesting lives and get into some quite amusing situations. Still there are some lessons to be learned from observing them. Tamar is crazy yet she does provide so much of the entertainment. Its nice to see as crazy as your life seems others have far crazier things to navigate around/through. Some reality tv shows are cool. I love the animal encounter types. Bear attacks you know? Then there are the scary animal shows. The ones that involve ghosts. I love ghosts. The paranormal has always intrigued me. Last night I watched a show about a family that runs a funeral parlor. That was pretty intense. I think my favorite reality shows are the ones about people who go camping and then the animal kicks their ass but they manage to escape and survive to talk about it. Never been camping myself but would love to go oneday. With a stun gun,a rifle,some pepper spray and a couple of REALLY big dogs.

Got a new project on the way. SonsofLegend and DragonManx stuff. You know me I gotta keep busy. Otherwise I'll be more of an emotional wreck than I already am. Maybe I shouldn't say that about myself. All things considred I'm doing okay. As long as I'm focused I'm calm. Last week I was literally up all night because I couldn't make up my mind on this script. Then trying to get actors together is as still as much of a challenge as its ever been. Well its not like there are many gay black superhero movies/shows being made. People are still reluctant to do gay roles even though times are changing for us. Theres still plenty of hate (some blk guy was grumbling shit when he saw LAGLC SECURITY on my jacket yesterday) yet if we continue to hide in shame and fear this will not make relations between us and straight folks any better. I just wish more people would take risks. We are scheduled to film on the 28th of this month. The quality of my work is getting better. The talent onboard is amazing. People will start to notice The Sergster ain't playin later this year. Its hard trying to save money for all these projects and trying to eat (healthier). (Its more expensive to eat healthy who knew?) So much has been sacrificed to get me this far but I've still some distance to travel before I arrive at the destination. Its so close though. You know? I can feel it. Almost taste it. Good things are coming. The work will pay off. And I really can't afford to look back now or let anything hold me back from my goals. Oneday I'll change the world and see my name in lights. One day I'll be able to give back just as I have been given because I didn't get this far alone....