Wow. Hard to believe its been a year since you left us.  The world continues to turn for sure but Grandma so much has changed about this world. Sometimes I wish truthfully that I could somehow fly away from here on a rocket to get away from all the madness but I am still here chasing these dreams. You know what I’m talking about….the film thing….the cartoon thing….and now I wanna make my own videogames.  Everyday I chase after these dreams so I can blot out all the chaos….news reports of people going on shooting sprees,families being murdered or the numerous terrorist organizations that want to kill us. Its crazy. Then again it was always kinda crazy I guess. Just not this bad. I’m sitting here listening to music that you might have heard before in some capacity. This neo soul infused rap stuff. This music will always have a place in my heart for it invokes so many memories of life and a world that didn’t always seem so horrifying so much of the time.  You know Mommy still misses you so much. Of course you know. I don’t even think she’s been to your grave yet.  Not since they laid your body to rest. I haven’t been back either. You know I miss you too. Its all jumbled up in here with all the other stuff going on in my head. I don’t have to dig very deep to bring it to the surface. The sadness. The sheer helplessness and sense of loss when someone goes away and the thought of never seeing you again….it doesn’t make any sense at all. People looking so young then they get old then the bodies fall apart….they break down just like a machine and I hate it. We do tend to take folks for granted while they are here then when they leave us its so difficult to make peace with it at times. Still I don’t accept its all over and we’ll not see each other again. Sometimes Grandma I feel like I would give almost anything just o hug you again even if it were only for a few seconds. I really miss you and I miss Grandma Mary. I miss everyone who I lost. I cried so much at your funeral. The tears just came as I fell apart. Geez. How many people have actually seen me that way before? But it goes to show despite all I have been thru that there is still a part of me which is still human. Emotional. It’s a part of me that gives strength yet its something I could be guilty of running from to a degree. If I stop to be the family guy and the lover what energy will I have to obsess over these dreams? I cannot lie to you Grandma….so much of the time I feel this is all I have left to give this world or this life. I’m not really the handsome muscular type. I’m not really ugly but other than my talent people mostly see me as invisible. Being invisible seems cool to one who has been laughed at and hated so much that its turned one into an emotionally stunted creature. At the same time it hurts to be ignored or to feel one does not matter at all. This world is so crazy therefore I know we all must strive to make some contribution towards its improvement. Well we should. I think so. Anyway. Mostly my accomplishments and victories have been small or modest. For real. No ones patting me on the shoulder or saying great job and your life matters. Largely I have come to accept I may be some sort of a ghetto superstar. Theres nothing wrong with that I suppose. Its good to maintain some anonymity. I gotta learn to be less concerned about how people perceive me. They’ve never understood me anyway. They tend to as Michael once said “throw me in a class with a bad name”. Some of the times I think another man in my place would have become the very monster people wanna make me out to be. Yet….thanks to my faith….my comic books….my art…..those LOUD videogames and your love I ended up being a good monster. I guess in the end that’s all that matters. I guess it really is the quiet small victories that are our own personal epic quests.

As I sit here at work listening to this chilled hip hop and neo soul mix from youtube streaming from my vita my mind wanders down city streets at night. Its primarily quiet. Its all lit up. Not too many people walking around. There might be some fog or is it steam coming from the sewers below? So many times in my past I wandered these streets not lost,not afraid. My heart longs for these peaceful times when the thought patterns flow freer of psychic blockage from the mortals because….they are sleeping. Those of us who dare to dream and embrace the title of visionary are always at our strongest here in these night streets of any city/planet (wherever). You see how your Grandson turned out? He is restless Grandma. This is why its often hard for me to be around other people. My semi soul is restless. Always in flux. You see how I multitask? That’s doing more than one thing at a  time. Whats wrong with me? I have a lover right now. He lives with me. Not sure what to call it actually. Could be something forever if I let it be only I don’t plan to remain in this here city another year. So over Cali. So over being spread out and isolated in a city full of talent. It’s a click I was never able to get in with. Just like Nintendo I have usually gone off and done my own thing anyway. Never one to conform I’m afraid. Always one to think outside the box. Maybe it is true I’m some kind of leader. Destined to be alone from the pack because I march to this here beat. Have to follow where my heart leads me and its telling me to get the hell out of dodge. Its like a song I keep hearing over and over in my mind. It makes me look out the window sometimes like an animal hearing the call of the wild somewhere out there far away is the secret to the answers I seek. Fatisha finally took your picture down off her facebook profile. I knew it would happen eventually but it was sooner than I expected. She gave her tribute to you in her own way. Fatisha took your passing better than me and Bev I think. Poor “Miss Big Nose” She cried so much and had to bolt from the church hall during the viewing of your body. I still don’t know why I didn’t get up to run after her to comfort her. How much was I really there? It seemed surreal in a way. My niece was holding my hand and I think I tuned that out for a minute. Then the dam broke and I began to sob spilling so many tears these eyes started to burn. The tissues seemed to irritate my eyes even more.  Bevs oldest daughter read a poem I’d written about you. Were you there? You know/knew how much we loved you. My GOD Grandma (maybe?) you have seen how life has been since you left. Its crazy down here. I know you are in a better place for all the good you have done. You did the best you could and your legacy of love,hope and faith will live on forever in us. You fed us. Clothed us. Tended us while we were sick. Yes you kicked our asses when we got out of line and sometimes perhaps you went too far but I forgive you as it made me all the better. I miss you so much more than words can say. Call it being selfish. I know you suffered for awhile before you came to know the reward of peace and this world can no longer bring you harm. I celebrate your life and oneday I want to be the miracle in someones life you were in mine. The person who like Grandma Mary walked in when most of the other folks shook their heads and walked away. I was a mess. But I think I’m gonna be alright. I think I’m on the right path. Just gotta follow this heart of mine. Before I leave Cali there are some loose ends I need to tie up. My brother and I haven’t spoken in almost a year Grandma. We barely know each other. I blame myself for letting that happen. My plan now is to get some time off work and maybe put together a trip for both of us. Nothing like a good adventure to bring people together. One of my co-workers took a month off work. Perhaps I should do that? I have an idea. Maybe next year I can take Joshua with me on a trip to some far off city I’ve always wanted to visit. Theres this crazy idea in the back of my mind about taking him camping which is something I have always wanted to do. What do you think of that? I already know the answer. No chance! I can see you smiling though and that tells me you like my idea.  I am so glad I got to see you before you left. Joshua didn’t come to your funeral for his own reasons and I think it shows  a disconnect Grandma. Am I old fashioned for thinking families need to try and stay better connected? Shit I missed a few funerals myself over the years. Not gonna lie. Things sure have changed.

Cellphones. A black President. Wireless internet. We are moving forward so fast it scares me that some basic things are being left behind in the rush to progress. People are still hungry. Homeless. More prisons are being built. Seems they are mostly being filled with black and Hispanic men. I think so many of us are just so fucking (sorry) angry Grandma we simply don’t know what to do with out anger. I see so many of these enraged and mentally broken brothers and I don’t know if I should cross the street or hug them. I have my own issues and for the most part I think they would reject me for being gay anyway. So I keep my distance. Sometimes I think if I had the money I’d give to some cause to help brothers anonymously yet never actually get involved personally because I’m the outcast. Isn’t that crazy? But I’ve always been the outcast. Don’t know if I know how to be anything else other than love from a distance. Did you know I had to deal with homophobic neighbors for over ten years before they finally stopped messing with me? I guess they realized I wasn’t gonna move out because of them. Theres been some spiritual stuff going on as well. I don’t have to tell you that there are forces in this world (mainly people) who don’t want to see anyone else happy especially when they are miserable and too stupid to do anything about it. I think its easier for people to lash out at others than to try and take responsibility for their own situations. That is my only real answer for why there is so much evil in this world. Many are just lazy. And yeah I am generalizing.  Just the other day someone was shooting at a mall in NJ. Someone also shot up some people at LAX. Months ago there was the Boston marathon tragedy and a college campus shooting incident. One of my co-workers had her iphone stolen. (That’s a cellphone thingie) Same thing happened to another co-worker who was jumped. Police officers were all over the train stations during Halloween and the 4^th of July. One of the janitors told me he and a friend saved a guy from getting gay bashed recently just down the street from here. I don’t wanna sound all doom and gloom or negative but man there are times I don’t even wanna leave my apartment. Yeah its no way to live when you are just afraid to go out but I was kinda like that as a kid. People used to pick on me a lot and I am sure you remember how much I hated going to school. It was often a nightmare. I was always kinda  sensitive and bullies only made it worse.  This is why sometimes I feel so much anger at humanity. Yeah I know I can’t blame everybody for the actions of some but sometimes all the faces look the same to me. There are triggers. Things that have a way of transforming me back into that frightened little kid. I’m an adult now but the world still can be a big ugly scary place.  I used to want some big strong guy to come and protect me but in time I came to realize in real life the big muscular guy would likely piss his pants and run away from what I know is out there. I would have to try and save his ass. As out of shape as I am right now I am sure that would be some really entertainment to watch.  And despite all that is going on I am still doing my little films….webseries is what they are called Grandma. So far its been like four years. I’d like to believe my art has improved. Its kinda hard for me to watch them because I see so many mistakes I have made. But some episodes are pretty damned good. (You think I curse too much?) Okay realistically speaking I could put together a trailer right now that might get my concept sold or take the other route of showing my stuff at film festivals next year.  Part of me wants to reboot everything or simply jump into full length projects as I’m not making any money from any of my webseries so far. I’m so leery of hiring an agent but after spending so much money and being ripped off by parasites (people who like to take you for what they can Grandma) I am considering hiring this man who says he can help me package and get my work in the right hands. It would be nice to start making some moolah from all this hard work you know? I’m tired of being broke. Grandma could you ask GOD to give me a grant???