Confessions of a sad superhero book 29

 (To KCRW 11pmish-12amish)

SOMETIMES INSIDE

Sometimes inside 

I cry

I wish the tears would flow outward but

they just stay inside

hanging there 

like fruit that refuses to fall.

I'm crying because of all the fools I've suffered.

I'm crying so much inside these days

Thinking about

all the 

people

animals

family members

who cried out to me in their own ways

because they needed me

but I was so lost inside

so busy fighting to live

fighting my own demons

chasing these dreams

and I admit I gave so many undeserving fools my heart

which they rejected

trampled upon

and ripped it to so much of a shredded mess

I was in a very dark place before I pulled back my heart 

mangled akin to a hand 

that had been outstretched 

to a rabid beast 

ultimately beyond any aid I could give

before they could bite it anymore.

Truth be told

most of the times the signs were there

I just chose to ignore them.

"When a person shows you who they are the first time believe them"

I think I'm tired of forgiving fools and letting them stain my spirit.

Its time I gave my love to my family

to those who have tried so hard to reach out to me

to those I may not even know who desperately need or needed me

God knows I wish I could turn back all the years I've lost

So much "Wasted Energy" Like Alicia Keys said.

The tears I'm crying inside

they threaten to come to the surface

knowing friends and family are getting older

time is slipping away

like a blink

and I need to reclaim what I've lost before its too late.

So many are gone

people and animals

I would probably give anything if I could

just to hug them again one more time.

Anything for a chance to tell them how much I cared

and I can feel some peace because I know somehow they must know

yet I can't let those still here become mere phantoms in my memories

photos in a scrapbook.

I can't be this fool who cries inside anymore.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 28

 

(Exhibit A)

Hello everyone. I just had a nasty run in with S/O XXXXX and wanted to make a record of it while I was clear in my mind. I came in around 9:00pm and I asked S/O XXXXX if there were any pass downs or call offs and XXXXX said no then I went upstairs. I started my patrol and when I came down to check after Admin didn’t reply to my radio check XXXXX said “What the fuck?!?!” and basically went off on me while I was trying to explain to her I didn’t know that her relief wasn’t here and that I wasn’t starting at the desk tonight which was why I didn't come down before. She was very angry and asked me why I wasn’t HERE and just her manner was completely unprofessional as well as disrespectful then she basically stormed out.

(That was how my work night started)

I'm convinced some of these people that work here are out of their damn minds. 

I promised myself if anything else happened that pissed me off I was going to give my notice but instead I called my supervisor. Not just to tell him what happened but also to let him know the other guard (also the same person I had the epic falling out with who is now dealing with health issues) who was to relieve XXXXX hadn't showed up. Dude told me to send an email to our boss so I was just about to send the message above when XXXXX called to apologize. I asked some people for advice and it seems sending the email was not the wrong thing to do but since XXXXX did apologize (which is something I can count on one hand the times that has happened to me) I decided to not go through with sending the email. Somebody told me XXXXX must have somehow felt what was about to happen when she called! Maybe she did. However I realize I gotta stop being so friendly to to folks on the job because they lose seem to lose respect and think they can talk to me however they want and get away with it. I was raised to be respectful yet it appears alot of folks apparently didn't get that memo. Either that or they just have poor people skills. I realize I am often in the company of some genuinely not nice folks and they can often hide this which is making me get to the point where I don't wanna trust anyone. I mean I have my own problems to deal with and I can't be an emotional punching bag. Especially when I am walking on a thin line myself.  My right leg has been bothering me and I have been feeling really strange lately. Like my body is fighting off something weird maybe because of stress thats affected me. I was about to go to the doctor yesterday but decide against it. I don't really have anymore sick time left after all but I keep feeling like if I could get a good chunk of time off it'll do me alot of good. Sleep just feels like sleep. When I'm at home I don't really seem to have the time or energy to really relax. I feel on edge like some great doom is hiding around the corner. My place is a mess and because of everything going on now everyone here in Cali is encouraged to stay home. A buddy wanted to come hang out this weekend but I declined. Just trying to be safe you know? I am pretty sure I've been exposed to something and although I've not really gotten sick and I did get negative Covid results I don't wanna risk becoming a carrier. You know just because your body can fight off something it doesn't mean you can't you know carry something around with you. So again I just wanna be careful. Taking public transportation like I do and seeing all the homeless folks riding the bus you never know what you are in the presence of. Not gonna lie company would have been nice but theres a part of me that sort of has a crush on my buddy. Its nothing that strong but I'm really trying to not feel anything for folks who don't feel anything for me. Recently this type of thing almost cost me my job you know.... Its true often absence can make the heart grow fonder yet over time fortunately crushes simply fade away. I simply do not have the time or energy for foolishness and I can't afford to waste what little mental faculties I have left on "muggles". Seems a rather large part of society falls into the "muggle" category. The other night I was talking with a co-worker who is just so damn negative about everything and seems determined to suck the joy I have for things out of me. It does seem "in" now for folks to be cynical and jaded about things and this know it all attitude and unwillingness to branch out or try new things really irks me. These are qualities I pray that the man of my dream (if he exists) won't have when we meet because it WILL run me away. 

Its really strange to me that I get virtually no play from American dudes but these guys from Africa keep hitting me up online. Some of them are sexy as hell then its all smashed to pieces when they start asking for money. This seems to happen 9 out of 10 times and I'm just not the one. There are alot of these fellas who have made it the thing to do trying to scam American gay men. Especially when they know you are emotionally vulnerable. They try to get into your head and manipulate you. My own family doesn't ask me for money. Well my brother did once. Still I think it takes alot of nerve to just outright say "Send me a phone. Buy that for me and send it to me" Just assuming I'm loaded or something. I'm not and I don't really know anyone who's got it like that or they haven't told me. Thing is many of these guys from Ghana and Nigeria are drop dead gorgeous and I'd definitely date them if they lived closer. I can't do the long distance thing. been there done that and hated it. Also if you send me photos and won't video chat or talk on the phone....I'm sorry....but I'm thinking you have something to hide. Captain Liberia came over here and did really well for himself. In fact he's a tough act to follow. Lately it's dawned on me I could be running away from how I really feel about him....

Donald Trump seems to have failed in his attempt to hijack himself into another term. The Supreme Court basically told him to kick rocks. Him and his cronies wanted to throw out millions of votes. The crazy thing is he got so much support. I was getting worried for a minute. He's got folks believing the election was rigged. Folks chanting "Stop the steal" and showing up at rallies with guns. There are people who will literally believe anything he says. Its as if he cast a spell on their minds. Then there are the republicans who won't stand up to him because they may get in trouble for crazy things they did if he loses or they know Trump will "look out for them" as far as jobs and political power go if he wins. Also he has a habit of firing people at the drop of a dime. Then theres the fact some who oppose him are getting death threats. I've not seen or heard of him even acknowledging this. He doesn't say much about Covid either. So busy raising money to try an overturn the democratic process I guess? They're still working on his wall but thats more money wasted. Illegals can just as easily tunnel underground after all. PS5's are impossible to find because of scalpers and super tech savy individuals who have programs that buy up all available stock as soon as it goes for sale. Trucks are getting robbed and sales clerks and delivery folks are even stealing these consoles. The new Xbox Series X/S consoles are equally sold out everywhere. I am not kidding. I purposely went after what I assumed would be a console nobody wanted but Xbox Series S flew off the shelves. even in Japan which just DOES NOT HAPPEN. You see they really hate the Xbox brand over there. But its such a cute little box that looks like a white speaker....maybe thats why everybody snatched them up. Theres also Xbox game pass. Its a videogame version of Netflix I guess. The Xbox series S has no disc drive so its digital downloads or streaming only. It also does not output in native 4K (I still think Cyberpunk 2077 looks great on it though!) unlike its big brother the Xbox Series X which is $200.00 more at $500.00. The Series X is a super machine that beats the PS5 but most folks honestly won't see a difference except for the case of Sony having more (and better?) exclusives. Exclusives matter alot obviously since the Switch, a vastly underpowered console; sold like hotcakes on the strength of exclusives. Well that and portability. 

From the looks of things next year might be alot like this year in terms of this Covid madness. So tired of these damn masks. They do have a vaccine that seems to work. Right now they are only concentrating on giving it to older folks and medical folks. There seems to be some cases of people getting side effects. Maybe allergic reactions. Nothing serious yet its gonna take awhile to get the vaccine to everyone. They're saying folks in the general public here in the US will get it in March or April. It takes time to make and theres the upcoming cold weather. Also the vaccine has to be at a certain temperature. So theres that. Word from professionals in the medical field is that life should be back to normal in the Fall of 2021. I just got a flu shot recently and I know that flu shots are mandatory at some businesses. I wonder will it be the same for the Covid vaccine? Most people I talk to say they won't take it. They are worried there will be something bad in the vaccine. I don't have a problem taking it. But you can best believe I will do my research before that needle goes in my skin. Right now folks are talking about maybe some other strains of the virus popping up. Yeah I know. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water again right? With all thats going on I'm just gonna be focusing on my projects and saving money as I still wanna move next year. How serious am I? I actually cancelled some of my subscriptions. Not Netflix and the Disney/Hulu package. Amazon and HBO Max got the axe. HBO Max which I only got because I wanna watch "Wonder Woman" come Christmas. I don't think Amazon has enough good programs right now and I won't be ordering anything from them for awhile so I don't need the free shipping. When the Boys season 3 drops I might get them back. HBO got into some mess this week due to Warner Bros deciding to put their entire theater line up for 2021 on the HBO service without giving anyone notice! HBO will be getting Godzilla vs Kong and the JL Snyder cut next year so I may need to resub then. Gotta finish up watching "Love Craft Country" too. Thats a good show. Definitely not used to seeing black folks in a program like that. Speaking of black folks it look like the new Black Panther is coming in 2022. Still can't believe Chadwick is gone and no word at all on if Submariner is coming in BP2. Submariner is one of my favorite comic characters. He's just so damn hot and I like those pointy ears! Sure it makes no sense he can fly with those little ass wings on his ankles but whatever. Just wish Marvel would stop going back and forth on the is he a hero or a villain thing. Also did people forget he's also a mutant because its rarely mentioned unless he teams up with the X-Men. Anyway my anthology comic featuring four stories should be done by Feb (Detector Pig. DragonManx. Gamer Granny. Gerbilla.) then I gotta figure out on selling it and marketing etc. Will likely go the crowdfunding route and hire someone to help with promo and social media. Still not sure if I'll print it or if so how many copies. Meanwhile production is slated to start back on "Sasquatch" in Jan. I should have my producer paid off by then. I've backed some projects by other folks and even invested in some stuff. Way I see it is if I expect folks to invest in me why shouldn't I in turn support things I believe in? Pay it forward or put your money where your mouth is. Its important to give when you can. Its unfortunate that some people only give because they are forced to do it. In my opinion this is probably the biggest thing wrong with the world right now. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 27

 Its been a minute since I wrote here. Just been recovering from that big incident with "that co-worker" which almost cost me my job. I thought he was my friend. Found out I didn't know him and that I really shouldn't trust or try to be friends with co-workers. Well at least not in this particular field anyway. I thought I was in love but now I question how or why I could possibly be in love with someone who doesn't care whether I live or die. Why would I have feelings for or want to help people who have only secretly harbored feelings of destruction for me since day one. I clashed with this guy on the very first night we worked together. Several other conflicts took place later. Theres a saying about when people show you who they are the first time.... I was trying to do the right thing when I went to my boss and not really trying to get anyone in serious trouble. Merely attempting to get results because of certain things going on that were causing problems. Really I was not happy about the taking of breaks and not calling it out on the radio. Expecting me to just know when dude clearly had no clue what time I was taking my breaks. Other stuff got brought into the mix. I think I am transparent to a fault at times yet my intentions were misunderstood. Shit blew up and higher ups got involved. HR got involved. Through it all I kept silent about somethings. He didn't. Certain things were brought up. I was made to look like a fool. I still think higher ups know more about stuff but were just waiting for me to bring it up yet it was never my intent to try and get revenge. Honestly. Having feelings for people can make folks do stupid things and I admit that I should have handled things differently. I should have never told dude I cared but I did and here we are. Anxiety kicked back in and I needed to take precious time off work to get my head clear. Right now things are tense between us. I realize I can never trust him again so I don't talk to him because I feel he betrayed me by showing our bosses an old text I sent him just basically saying I liked him. He likely feels I did the same thing I guess because I went to our bosses about our clashes. Meanwhile someone reported me for bringing a drone on-site and photographed me using a tablet at the desk.... It's hard to not be mad. Thoughts of our arguments make anxiety flare up to where I wake up with my heart pounding and sometimes a nausea grips me. Yeah. Higher ups told me I need to figure out a way to be professional. Consider myself lucky and keep things civil which was something I was actually trying to do although it kinda blew up in my face. As a result things have changed at the job and we are not allowed to use our laptops at the desk anymore. Some co-workers are more distant. (Some have always been distant and weirdly cruel when I've tried to be friendly) Then again things in some other departments are tense because of problems. Folks have told me they are thinking of leaving or changing positions due to inner turmoil with others they work with. Some co-workers have all but vanished for whatever reason and we're short staffed much of the time. Everybody's going thru their own shit. All the time. In this new reality we've been shunted into. Come to work. Do my job. Because I need this job. For the pay and benefits. Keep my head low. Don't do anything to rock the boat and stay motivated by focusing on projects. Collect a check and go home. Control my emotions and don't let them control me. That's the new motto from now on until forever. (Or however long I continue working at the lgbt center)

The world continues to turn. Donald Trump still refuses to concede even though he clearly lost re-election. His followers still believe anything he says which is crazy. Its gotten really dirty out here with folks receiving death threats and people showing up at rallies with guns. The Rona is still causing all kinds of problems because folks are not being safe and businesses are closed or shutting down. California faces a possible full shutdown if things don't get better as these hospitals are filling up. Some places that didn't even have high infections have become hot spots now unfortunately. There is good news however as London has a vaccine they are already staring to distribute. Its said to be 90% effective. It can't come soon enough because alot of people are not really being careful and there was plenty of folks traveling over the turkey holiday. As weird as Halloween and Turkey day were I imagine Christmas will be just as unusual. What with people being encouraged to stay indoors and businesses being closed. Then theres also curfews in effect. Playstation 5s and Xbox series X/S are hard to get due to scalpers using hacking techniques to snatch up all systems when they go on sale then reselling them for crazy prices. Chuck Yeager just died. (He broke the sound barrier 1st) While all this is going on I am still focusing on my comic book project. The artists are churning out outwork constantly and I'm on track to start back filming next year on the Sasquatch webisode when the director I hired (one of my writers!) returns from a trip to India. My brother is slated to help me on some projects too. This is something I have always wanted. Will probably fly him out here in a few months. I've also started being more accessible to family. Obsessing over charities. Investing in other companies involved in movies,comics and cartoons has become a hobby too but I'll talk more about that later. Still planning to put things in storage soon and start finally setting money aside to move next year. A cool potential romantic interest has recently entered the remix tape that has become my life. So as insane as 2020 has been it hasn't all been bad. It has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride though. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 26

 THE END OF AN ERA....

One door closes and another opens as they say. Last night as the fires burned here in Cali and the President was probably going into treatment for -you know what- one of my bosses came out to try and squash the situation I was having with that co-worker. While we were able to come to some resolution without involving the higher ups and I even reached out to shake his hand, things are still weird between us. But I will get to that later. As it is we don't have to rotate every hour anymore (my suggestion) and I had no idea we can shut off our walkies while in the restroom. Now I do. We take our breaks at some different times now too. Dude knows I take my last break at a quarter till our last hour but for some reason now he wants to take his lunch break at the last half hour. (Like I said before he does copy things that I do or say and I don't really know what to make of that. I have noticed other people do this too and it just makes me think about how other cultures sometimes dislike black people but don't have a problem taking things we create and incorporating them into their lives....) I don't know if it just slipped his mind that I take my break at that time slot or if it was some kind of "reaction" but the whole night we really didn't have much to say to each other even though I did kinda try to conversate. Things are different between us now even though he tried to downplay things and make it look like I am the one with all the issues. It does in fact take two people to argue and its really impossible to argue with someone who is never wrong or willing to lie to win. All the things going wrong in your life and the one person who has consistently gone out of his way to be your friend is the one you so casually throw under the train on a moments whim. Yet I am the crazy person who is always making a big deal out of everything. Are you an evil genius or are you really that clueless about driving good people away from you? I really don't think dude cared whether or not we involved a higher up but I'm not trying to lose my job. I'd rather save up my money and quit graciously thank you. He makes me think of that woman who stole the baby in that bible story and she didn't care when the king was gonna cut the baby in half so that her and the true mother of the child would have a half. Lets be clear....I do not hate the guy. I still think he is mad hot and has all the potential in the world if he would just seize the moment and go for it with his talents but I don't think he will and that is really the main thing that bothers me about him. Still coming from the meeting last night he explicitly put it out there that "I don't know you and we are not friends" I can see I was letting myself think we could have been friends. I tried. (Wasn't trying to have a sexual dream about him!) But if what he said is true then that means he was only acting all this time. I know alot of folks like to keep you at an arms length because of BS thats happened to them in the past but some people do it because they lack real people skills or the ability to be in any true intimate relationships. None of these things are my business as I guess we are only two people who happen to work together. I know I am far from perfect yet nothing I ever did or said to dude warranted his treatment of me. He's got some real issues and I hope he at least continues his therapy otherwise he might live the life of an angry lonely man. I'm actually feeling drained just thinking about last night and some things that were said. Dude seems to honestly believe I am some kind of cold calculating person whose every little action is a move against him and even when I denied this he just looked at me with such hate and disbelief. Maybe someone else behind the scenes is whispering stuff in his ear to make him think such nonsense about someone he should know better than that. The reality is folks will think what they want about you even if its not true. One minute they can be talking to you like you're lifelong buddies and then the next you're cut loose wondering if in the back of their mind if the person feels any remorse for how they behaved towards you. Folks don't always apologize and even when they do sometimes its not genuine. Some folks just live in a world in their head that you cannot reach.  They are so busy trying to hurt you they lose track of what the real issues are. So in effect you are a target. When the target decides not to keep taking it sometimes the other person might retaliate anyway they can because they lost that convenience. Me I am gonna just wash my hands of it. Leave it in the Lords hands like Grandma used to say. It is true sometimes you  have to let people go out of your life. Thats just how it be. I don't have any ill will towards anyone but from now on I'm gonna stick to myself at work and focus on my goals. Keep my eyes on the prize, save up my money and work on my projects. Play my videogames. Read my comics. Learn to REALLY draw and concentrate on surviving the next six months until that day comes when I can give my notice because I really would love to move out of Cali next year. Maybe not permanently but I could certainly use a break from this state. I do have some vacation time coming up soon and even more around Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas too so a few trips home to see family might be just what my nerves need right now.

I decided that next week I'm gonna start putting some of my stuff in storage so I can get this clutter out of my apartment. Right now there is simply too much stuff in here. I figure I'll box up all my old school game systems since I don't have the time or space to play them right now. I'll just keep my three current systems I play often. The Xbox1, My PS4 and my Nintendo Switch. I may keep the Vita arond since its such a versatile handheld. I mean....its something I can listen to music on or watch movies on while on the bus if I don't feel like playing games. I notice most other folks don't use anything bigger than a phone on public transportation and I have heard stories of things getting snatched so.... Apparently smaller objects don't attract alot of attention. Its interesting people still bother to steal electronic devices these days since everything has locks or tracking tech on it. Anyway I might ask Sir Nathan of Delphia to help me clean up this place. Really mostly moving some things out. I think this'll improve my mental state immensely. Sir Nathan is a cute actor who has worked with me on some projects. We used to hang out alot but I kinda got mad at him (and my sister) because I gave them Xbox consoles they just refused to use for whatever reason. Then "The Rona" happened. I haven't seen Sir Nathan since geez....maybe in Feb that last time we filmed something together. I spoke to him about doing a Black Panther fan film as a tribute since Chadwick passed in Late August. Surprisingly the Black Panther costumes are not expensive or hard to come by on Amazon but then again Halloween is coming up and there might be alot of folks wanting to be Black Panther then so perhaps this week I'll go ahead and order one. I already ordered an orange prison type suit because I wanna do something with it although its not quite clear in my head yet. Theres this cute bodybuilder actor guy I wanna give an opportunity to so I'm thinking maybe I can feature him in the fan film as an escaped prisoner or something. Guess I need to start writing down ideas. (Thank God for Grammarly although spellcheck sometimes gets on my nerves) The first issue of Gerbilla is coming along. I just got two more pages but need to send the artist some notes for changes. I figure the first issue will contain two short stories. I'd like to start on Captain Liberia but I've no real script yet to give my kickstarter buddy. (His crowdfunded book should be out soon with Captain Liberia on the cover!) Gotta get back to work on some other written works and filming for Sasquatch as well. As it stands it looks like the cameras will start rolling sometime in November or December at the latest. Just need to set aside the cash and tweak the script some. Also its getting close to the time I need to start reaching out to cast/crew.... No time for rest. No time for tears. No time for the unbelievers. If it don't make dollars it don't make sense. Keep my eyes on the prize and keep the negative energy folks that suck the positive energy the fuck away from me.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 25

My unbiased account of what had happened....

So more drama happened. I talked before about Monday. I'd gone up to the kitchen to ask Nick to call out when he took his break because I didn't know he was on break and when he doesn't call it out then I have to guess when to enter it into the log. Which is something that could cause problems if something went down and people look at the log and they will wonder where you are at a certain time if its not in the log. Nick wasn't hearing anything I said at all. He went off on me and we got into a yelling match that left me feeling drained and confused. Like had I done something wrong? At one point during the argument he even went so far as to accuse me of trying to be the ideal co-worker or perfect employee. (I really hope he doesn't deny this stuff tonight when we have a sit down with one of our bosses because he has a tendency to "forget" certain things and he loves to bring up past stuff to throw me off or just deflect) (Does he like to argue (?) because he seems energized afterwards) He says I don't call out when I take my breaks. He also feels I should know what time he takes his breaks even though he couldn't tell me what time I take mine. Honestly when I went home Tuesday morning I was not in a good place and felt the anxiety stirring again. This is something I have had under control for months until Nick took me there. I ended up taking two days to clear my head and was able to ward off a migraine.

I initially felt months back when we got into it over who gets the front desk I should just let him take the desk and I would start with the patrols but this was never discussed and recently I even got into some drama with other guards because I arrive early and don't relieve them early since Nick takes the desk first. So last night after many months I took the desk and the first thing Nick does (of course after making sure no one was around) is go "So you're establishing your dominance" And of course it triggered a reaction even though I already knew what to say. I told Nick that going forward we should not speak to each other unless its work related. He then went on about how we already had a routine and I just told him to go on patrol and do his job. Dude knew he was wrong thats why he started raising his voice to try and intimidate me yelling I always do my job. ALWAYS. And I am not gonna put up with this from you tonight! (He really got loud when another officer walked over and kinda escalated things by laughing instead of asking what was wrong which would have been the right thing to do) Now I don't know whats going on with Nick. I don't know if its lack of rest, money problems or working two jobs but he has become very difficult to work with and I was so upset and sent back into full anxiety mode my boss let me go home because he could hear how upset I was on the phone. My heart is still beating fast and even after taking some sleeping pills I was only able to sleep momentarily. I have been in a strange place myself the past few months. Apprehensive at times. Not really cleaning my place and dealing with so much other stuff. Working on projects and doing things like listening to music, watching movies or videogames help keep me centered but the job itself is stressful. Homeless people outside. Prostitutes outside. Drugged out folks on the property. People fighting. dangerous mentally ill people on the streets you gotta avoid. Insane folks on the buses. Sleeping on the buses and sometimes you can't get a seat because its so much and some are not even wearing masks during this pandemic. Then you gotta go to work and deal with co-workers or staff who treat you a certain kind of way or think they can just push you around and something has got to give. My back hurts. My feet hurt sometimes and I'm running back and forth to the dentist to get work done. I talk to a shrink every Tuesday. I have been doing a pretty decent job of staying centered but I can't be someones emotional dumping ground. I feel that I have been thrust into a situation where I must either quit this job or fight back because I have faced tough times during my 12 years at the LGBT center and there were times I did not think I would last. Sometimes I come to work worrying something crazy is gonna happen to make me lose the job but i have stuck thru it. I am not perfect and will never be "the ideal employee" I am just a man who comes to work everyday so I can pay my bills, struggling to believe in my community even as it often seems on the verge of tearing itself apart. I have tried to be encouraging to Nick. Not just because I like(d) him. I think he has potential and he's wasting it yet its his life and I try also not to judge because not everybody arrives at the train at the same time. I haven't quite arrived yet myself. The thing is I don't ask for much but I do think if I am respecting you and giving you consideration not just as a friend but as a co-worker its not so far fetched that I expect respect and consideration in return. I just can't let people walk all over me and I cannot be in a hostile environment everyday no matter how much I might like my job and all the good the center has done for me over the years. I am open to working things out but I realize things will probably never go back to us being cool again because mostly I am tired of having my trust abused by people I tried to see the greater good in.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 24

 Light in the tunnel.

Been making tremendous progress in my Gerbilla comic. We have like 11 pages so far. My goal is 16 pages. I am thinking of either letting that be a complete issue or maybe bringing in another faster artist to write the second half of issue one. Perhaps another 16 pages? Theres quite a number of unfinished comic projects and stories that need my attention. Plus I wanna do a Black Panther fan film (with Sir Nathan of Delphia) sooner than later. How much simpler this would all be if I had more time and money to devote you know? Speaking of money I was able to treat myself to that Xbox series S that I have been wanting for awhile. Pre-orders went live a week ago (promptly breaking the internet as the PS5 pre-orders did a week earlier) It was a miracle of divine proportions I was able to evade the scalper "bots" online and get a pre-order thru the microsoft store. The Xbox series "S" is a more budget friendly next gen system for folks who don't have a 4K tv. Also it is digital only as it doesn't play any discs. Microsoft has been making some power moves lately too because they bought Bethesda; one of the biggest game companies out here now. They paid 7.5 billion in republic credits. I really wish I could get a big company like Microsoft to back me on some videogame projects. Maybe I can get them to help me start a company thats geared towards minority game developers. Something to think about as I build my creative portfolio. People can and will just say say all Sergio does is sit around and play videogames and read comics but thats because they don't know the truth. In reality Sergio has been busy consistently working on and investing in numerous projects. Some of which are nearing completion....

I recently connected with a cool guy via instagram. He lives in a neighboring city. Works in the medical field. He's cute and likes to talk on the phone which seems to be a rare thing with guys these days. Folks mostly wanna text which I can't really get with. I'm from the old skool where people actually talked to each other on the phone. Or at least video chatted. He has a stutter which I find to be adorable. (Not that I would tell him that) He is a bit older than me. Doesn't like horror movies, comic books or videogames. Sexually we seem compatible but I am wondering what the in person chemistry will be like. He's not hyper masculine like most of the guys I like but thats okay because they are the ones who seem to have the most problems. Don't even get me started on the mirror kissers. This guy is at least close. Closer than the African guys that keep hitting me up on Facebook. I'm not even sure if I can trust these guys because the conversation always seems to swing towards them needing money for something. Speaking of Africans Captain Liberia video chatted with me the other day. I told him I might wanna come up there to see him next month when I have vacation time. I still think we are gonna be leaning more towards the friendship side of things as it doesn't appear he is into me sexually anymore. Maybe he's just got so much on his table he can't really focus on anyone other than his family life and paying the bills. His daughters are cool by the way. I sent them some comic book related gifts and one I sent a cookbook because I enjoyed her hot spicy food. She says she wants to learn American food and I think she has talent. As much as I'd love to take a trip I really think I need to stay my ass home and finally get around to cleaning up my place....

Confessions of a sad superhero book 23

 Transference of energy.

At work this morning I got into a particularly nasty argument with "that co-worker" The guy I was in serious like with after not liking  him so much and now I am right back there again. But this time it feels different. He broke my trust and confirmed something I really haven't accepted until recently. Dude really doesn't give a damn about me. He is self centered to the point where he will twist things and even lie before being held accountable for anything he does wrong. Its no wonder he's single. Seriously.  I know I have some issues but I can look at other people and realize sometimes I am too hard on myself for my shortcomings. 

This guy often doesn't call out his breaks on the radio so sometimes I'm not sure what time he's going. Now I always call out my break even though he says I do not. I asked him to prove that and just as he did last week when I asked him to back up a claim he was like "I'm not gonna sit here and waste my time proving something" Seems kinda Donald Trumpish. We got into a big argument because he refused to see my point and kept bringing up other stuff for us to argue about. He claimed I was upstairs for 30 minutes before I started my patrol tonight. Thats because he saw me sitting in front of my computer around 10:15pmish. I went back and looked at the digital readout on the iPhone we do our detex on and I went off the grid for maybe 10-13 minutes tops. We scan bar codes during our patrols and if anyone looked at the codes they would see where we go and how long it takes to do our rounds. At one point in the argument he even accused me of trying to be this "perfect model co-worker" yet I have never called myself that. I also noticed he kept going on as if he had to get the last word in. I think he got off on arguing because he got really cheerful and energetic afterward. But I was more in shock than anything else that he refused to accept that he often does not call his breaks and I am expected to automatically know and write down when he takes his break when I could not get him to say when I take my breaks. Someone I spoke to said I should involve a supervisor. I felt like going home but long ago I did that when another co-worker kept coming for me. I ended up out of a job while I am sure that other person didn't lose any sleep over my situation. It hasn't escaped me that some of the people who work here feel like they can just say and do whatever to me without repercussions. Its reality none of these folks are my friends. They are just here to collect a paycheck and none of them think of me when we are not onsite. As usual I am the outcast even in a place thats supposed to be a safe place for outcasts. All I can do is remember my promise to hang in here until the end of the year at least. Gotta keep my eyes on the prize. Don't quit out of anger. Do it right with notice. Until then save my money. Focus on my projects and keep my eyes on the prize as they say. Alot of people feel angry and lost and they don't have proper outlets so they take that shit out on folks sometimes just because we are there. Its not right and I am convinced much of the time they know exactly what they are doing when its happening. I gotta be careful from now on. Stick to myself. Don't talk to people or try to get personal with them because it ain't worth it. Most people I find in general lack the capability to appreciate a truly good person yet they have no problems flipping the script on you when its to their advantage or subjecting you to the fruits of their own mental illness as opposed to actually trying to fix the issues. There is a certain freedom in keeping folks at an arms length.... 

Update: A co-worker said that there seemed to be something  in the air because other people were acting up on the floors of the shelter and also two best friends got into it and had to be separated. I really haaaaate arguments because everytime it feels like its the end of that relationship. Like it needs to be cut off right then before the person can hurt me again and I don't like seeing that part of myself. Sometimes my emotions just flow although I was more in control this morning when dude flipped on me. It was like the person I knew was replaced by this nasty individual who seemed to always know exactly what to say and he controlled the argument by dragging me in. Deflecting  all the blame and turning me into this terrible person who was a worse off employee than him and there was no way I could prove otherwise. Its like he knew I wouldn't go thru the trouble to prove my point. I was only trying to get him to  call out when he took his break so I could write it down but he just went far back to bring out stuff from the past that had nothing to do with the current situation. Some stuff I might have a hard time proving. And 99% of what he said was untrue. I don't know if he was saying it to hurt me or if he actually believes he's right. Do I need to start carefully documenting every interaction we have? I guess you really have no choice but to keep your distance from someone who will in a heartbeat go back and bring up stuff to hurt you instead of owning up. He will never apologize either. I know this. Why? Because like some others I know he is ALWAYS right. I get the idea he resents me for actually caring about my job and why shouldn't I? It pays the bills and keeps a roof over my head. He seems to hate working there ALOT. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 22

"BIG ASS PINK ELEPHANT IN THE DAMN ROOM"

I am gay
sorta bi
lover of animals
and have not (completely) given up on the humans.
I am gay
sorta bi
never been with a woman
although peer pressure sought to drive me there
plus I actually pay for music,movies and comics. (Do you?)
You are
trans
you say your walk is like mine.
But is it really?
Some trans distance themselves from the gay community
saying you are not really a part of this community
yet suddenly I see
"black trans lives matter" everywhere.
What kind of a movement is this
or are you trying to jump on board the train?
I am gay
sorta bi
all writer
and I draw (sometimes)
You can say I fit in many communities
and I get that men in dresses who identify as women have done so much for us
long before body parts were being taken away and rearranged
but what were you doing all these years when
black men were being hung
burnt and terrorized
dragged behind cars
beaten and deformed
stopped at gun point because they supposedly looked like so-and-so
handcuffed for broken tail lights and left to rot in jail?
I am gay
sorta bi
certainly weird
and possibly addicted to pop culture
plus I believe in little green men too!
I fit in a number of tribes
even though I often feel I don't fit in these places
because I don't think like they all do
and I call folks out on BS when I see it....
Now I ain't trying to make nobody mad
Still....
I want you to think about some of what you say you're about
So.....
I gotta ask....
if black lives matter
why the hell ain't nobody protesting
how many black folks die at the hands of
other black folks
-EVERY FUCKING DAY-???!?
What about the drugs and gangs running rampant in our communities?
Kids have to be exposed to that shit eryday (not a mispelling yet I bet you noticed it and turn a blind eye to other more important issues)
In some parts of the world kids gotta dodge bullets and step over bodies on their way to school
and folks be getting killed for havin opinions or speakin out about injustices
Why ain't nobody protestin that shit?
Worldwide even.
Because that shit ain't right.
What kind of sentient beings are you?
What kind of politically driven agenda webs are ya'll weaving here?
And please STOP saying "ALL LIVES MATTER" just to piss people off
because you're really not helping the situation.
If you really want to make a difference and show us how objective you can be
just put your money where your mouth is.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 21

"Fish out of water syndrome"

At work the other night I expressed concern to a certain co-worker about making sure the other guard got his break. We are usually short a guard and have to make sure the other officer gets a break. This was passed down to us by our bosses. Now when I spoke to my co-worker about looking out for the other guard his reaction kinda threw me. Stuff like "Oh well" and "Its not my responsibility to look out for somebody else" But it kinda is up to us to look out for each other and cover each others backs. There have even been times when we have had to go looking for him when he fell asleep somewhere and I even went out of my way to help him get to work once. I usually share if I order pizza and there have been numerous times when other guards or even other depts have gone out of their way to give us food. I think its safe to say most of us have gone to the store and brought back stuff for others because they asked. So theres that. Sometimes I just get reminders that some of the folks I deal with on the daily are only out for self and they have some personality quirks I need to distance myself from. How can you get right mentally when all you are around is folks with tons of mental issues which would not be tolerated in a healthy environment? Perhaps dude was just tired and didn't really mean what he said. I do however get this feeling that he kinda holds back on being nice.

I thought it might be because he knows I like him (Not nearly as much as I once did mind you) So to some folks if they are too nice they figure it might give you this false idea of hope (I think) He didn't come in to work last night because of a car issue and I thought about helping him as I did before. Then I thought about what he said about not being responsible for anyone else. So I didn't do anything. Honestly it was cool that he wasn't there last night because I didn't have to do patrols or have to deal with him cranking the heat up or how awkward things can be between us at times. Like sometimes he imitates things I do. I suppose he's doing these things subconsciously. Listening to music. Playing it loud. Coming to the console and leaving when I haven't finished packing my stuff for rotation. As if he doesn't want to be near me. Being tethered to his laptop. There are other things he does too and no I'm not saying he's a bad person. I do think he is his own worse enemy though and getting that dog might have been him just giving up on having any real meaningful intimate relations with people. Also it drives me crazy he's abandoned his musical gifts. I don't believe he will ever really do anything with it. Going to the gym and getting in shape....shutting people out is only the equivalent of sweeping shit under the rug when the solution to your misery is daring to believe in and pursuing your dream. Everything else is just a place holder.

I think its ironic being around people you could actually be a power couple with and build an empire with but they would rather reject you for mediocrity or what they believe is what they want/need or should have as dictated by society. Much of the time I look in the mirror and I see a guy many would reject because of body type. No car. No college degree. Arsty fartsy minded. Many might think I'm unrealistic with my dreams or goals. Guys have straight out dropped out of a conversation once they found out I was into comic books. I don't know that I am really the most fashionable. Its a struggle at times with the self esteem. I try to avoid certain situations due to anxiety and the occasional panic attack although they have gotten rare nowadays.

I keep hearing how weird is cool and folks are free to be themselves or celebrated for their weirdness. Sometimes people do treat you like something is wrong with you if you don't conform to what society believes to be normal no matter what we are fed by the media. People still get bullied or picked on for being different. Even in the gay community. Hell sometimes I still deal with folks who come for me just because they feel they can. Its terrible at 51 to have an enemy (enemies) who constantly taunts you. Its the type of thing that can stunt your growth or turn you into a damn psycho if you're not careful.

I'd love to meet someone I am mentally and physically into who would just walk over and say "He man we have so much in common. Lets team up and make something special together" But noone seems to do that anymore. They look at your imperfections not understanding maybe they can help you as you would help them balance out things by complimenting each others strengths and weaknesses. It does not escape me I might meet someone who is perfect for me yet lacking in some areas I can assist them in. Its interesting most other people don't think this way. To me thats the only logical way of thinking and it could be the key to strong lasting LTRs. You look at a person and maybe you are only focusing on what they don't have as opposed to their strengths. Maybe you can help them on the areas they lack and they can do the same for you. ??? When did people lose the ability to think outside themselves or to be genuinely community-minded?

My life hasn't been perfect and I have done some things that bother me. But I have transformed alot over the years. A sense of honor and a strong moral code has been built up largely due to comics and the fact my family helped instill in me values as well as a good sense of what is right or wrong. This brain of mine has expanded absorbing so much data that at times it feels as if I am flying over most of humanity in advancements. Yes of course theres room for improvements yet I can easily outpace most around me in conversation and knowledge of things. So again I come back to this thought.... What would my life be like right now if my parents had been able to identify the unique qualities I possess and were able to put me in a relatively stress free nurturing environment designed to stimulate and encourage a sensitive (potentially genius) artistic mind? What kind of person would I be without all the emotional trauma I'm walking around with because of suffering at the hands of truly horrible and deranged folks? I know people say you are exactly where you are supposed to be yet I keep feeling Sergio is supposed to be stronger, happier and more accomplished than this. I feel sometimes like a crab in a pot. A plant without enough water trying to spread roots in dry ass concrete soil. If I looked in a magic mirror to see the Sergio who hadn't endured so many fucked up individuals who would I see?

Confessions of a sad superhero book 20

"COMPUTER BLUES"

Had quite the day today. I bought my small little Lenova laptop I bought years ago to replace the Toshiba one that Ezequiel helped me get (which ended up getting stolen in Detroit) I bought the Lenova for $139.00 and thought I was getting a good deal. Of course if I knew then how little you can do with 32 gigs of storage I would not have bought it. Now I have been struggling for awhile trying to find a solution to the lack of storage space and the fact the computer wouldn't allow me to do any updates even with external storage. So last night I was trying to trouble shoot and had finally reached the point where I was just gonna retire the kid in my locker but lo and behold in walks Kernel the resident computer genius guy (who I have always found to be cute in that rugged kind of way) My co-worker Wendell-Thanos was like "Heres the man you need to talk to" So I explained my computer woes because I really did not wanna abandon the laptop that had kept me afloat during some crazy times. Kernel told me to come around to his office so I went and got the laptop out of my locker. I'd just put her in there moments earlier. Kernel looked her over and determined the problem. There was literally no more space left and some hidden files were causing all the problems. Kernel spent hours trouble shooting until we were able to finally free up enough onboard space to wipe the system and start over again. Then after downloading the new windows we spent hours doing updates. I didn't get out of here (I'm at work now) until almost 11am and I was so tired I went straight to sleep after I got home. Its so amazing though to have my Lenova back functioning as if she were a brand new computer all over again. Kernel saved me alot of trouble and he provided a valuable service to me. I was actually gonna call on the dude who helped me add more storage and memory to my MSI baby that I'm on now. He's my gaming laptop. I'm kinda on the fence about whether or not I even need to invest in a next gen console  (PS5 or more than likely XBOX) when I have a perfectly capable $800.00 powerhouse who can run all those upcoming games. One of the cool things about gaming laptops nowadays is that you can either upgrade or simply install drivers to insure you have all the features to run the games. Plus with cloud gaming rapidly becoming a thing it can be said current owners of hardware might not ever need to buy anything else. With cloud gaming the heavy lifting is being done elsewhere so you can have even a shitty old computer and still be able to play super high Def Call of Duty in 3-D. (Mostly true) The games are actually streaming to you from another location like you would stream a Netflix movie. Thats the direction the gaming industry is heading. Some folks don't like it and I understand as I like owning my stuff without being so dependent on the internet. When you have a physical copy you own it as long as your machine can play it. You could concieveably maintain hardware forever if you take good care of it. Most people do not. The downside to "owning" and streaming digital media is you face the possibility of losing it if for whatever reason you lose internet access or the content becomes unavailable to redownload and you don't have it backed up somewhere. (Ask me how I know!) Sometimes companies lose licenses or disputes happen. Etc. Its kind of a mess. Well I am going to enjoy telling this little adventure to my shrink later. I also need to start writing stuff in my little composition notebook. She thinks its a good idea to write things down.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 19

I went to North Dakota to see "Captain Liberia" for a little birthday getaway. I think it was something I needed to do. I needed to get out of LA for a minute and I needed to just see what kind of connection I still have with this guy. As it stands I think the flame between us has dimmed. He piucked the worst possible moment to tell me he'd been with someone else and it was in that moment I came to realize and accept we are NOT on the same page romantically. Maybe the truth is we've never really been and I have just been blinded to it but for sometime now I have felt things were not going to end well with me and "Captain Liberia" I mean....honestly things are crazy right now with his life. Money is tight because his three daughters are living with him. One is special needs. Also he's is school and working almost all the time. Emotionally he has really nothing to give to anyone who wants a relationship. So the trip while kinda sobering wasn't a waste. I guess what I'm trying to say is I now know for sure where we stand and I am free with the knowledge I did try to love this man. The writing was on the wall and its time to move on. Although I suppose we will always be friends. I have no idea when we will see each other again.

It was strange being on the plane and they didn't offer any food. Everyone was wearing a mask and most people seemed to be sitting spaced apart. The middle plane seats as far as I could see were empty. Social distancing they call it. I found it kinda hard to breathe with that damn mask on. At one point I think I had some sort of panic attack when I tried to go to sleep with eye covers on. I had to sit up and take them off and sorta pull the mask back a bit so I could breathe easier. You find yourself stifling coughs or sneezes and whenever someone else coughs or sneezes you can just feel the energy change in the room.

Coming back to work was weird. A co-worker who normally seems mostly cool basically started tripping because I guess he felt I should relieve him since I was onsite early. That was the other day. Then when I came in to this shift a co-worker who has always been kinda weird and stand-offish with me even when he seems cool walked away when I asked him if he could hand me some keys. About two weeks ago a lady co-worker tried to put me on blast on the walkie talkie about abreviating her name and I was like why do you have to say that over the radio where everybody can hear it? Of course there was no response. I find myself getting pissed and really wondering if I am gonna be able to stay on this job with some of these people but then I remind myself that alot of folks that work in particular fields or at night lack certain social skills and some folks here are ghetto as hell with seemingly no home training in etiquette or how to communicate. Then some people just want to lash out at the nice guy who seems happy all the time like a big kid (when he's really a grown ass man with his own problems to worry about) Sometimes I get the idea some people might even feel threatened by me or envious but whatever. On top of that a certain person here will sit with his heater on him all night even when the thermostat is at a high temperature. He even goes to other floors and raises the temperature. I swear he has an issue with his body temp and I told him he should see a doctor because this is not normal but of course he just brushes me aside and acts as if its nothing. Probably because noone else has ever dared call him on it. At the counter he will adjust the monitors after I move them and also when I tape the charger for our job iphone (so the cord won't be on the floor) he will come right behind me and move the tape. I often wonder if he does these things to try and start an argument. I don't know and I'm just tired of saying anything. Often when I come to the console theres boogies or nose hairs and I ask him about it and he tried to turn it around saying he notices that after I leave. (Really???) These are only a few of the things I have to endure on top of the usual insanity from residents or homeless folks/druggies outside and trans prostitutes that hang around on the property. Sometimes folks who work in other depts are weird too. Not just with me but with other security too. Also there is a serious problem in here with little tiny flies and mosquitoes. In truth every job has "stuff" and you gotta be able to mentally transport yourself above it all. Some days are better than others. I just gotta keep my eyes on the prize. Focus on projects. Save money and take comfort in the fact I am not gonna be sticking around here for much longer. Ideally till Feb 2021 at the latest. I need to be around some more emotionally well rounded folks. Tired of dealing with crazies all the time and being taken for granted.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 18

Little Mexican Firefly

I've known you for a long time

short fiery tempered 

yet gently cool

and you often made me feel at home 

accepted me

this country ass light skinned black man

who often behaves more like a kid.

Your daughter is equally cool.

The vampire fanatic that she is

and I used to always bug her about those crazy fifty shades movies she liked.

Always hated that you and "The Ninja" didn't get along

and that your boss seems to have it in for me

But you saw me at so many stages of life

ups and downs

always listened to me

then I hear last week you'd passed on from this plane.

You won't be just another face to fade from memory

Despite everything and a slight language barrier 

you were my friend.

Candi.

(After I wrote this touching tribute I come to find out it was your husband who died and not you. I guess this is what happens when you are not bilingual) 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 17

The Air

Something about your air
how you look at me
or try not to look at me.
You never speak to me
unless I speak first
and even then I can see
its begrudgingly.
Did I do something to you
or has a little bird been whispering in your ear?

Strange Co-workers

One day their nice
then the next day
ignoring you
sometimes treating you like
you have some terrible disease
and they can't stand to be near you.
They would never be friends with you
away from these walls
and God knows how you've tried
but most of these people who work here at night
have social issues
and that's exactly why they work here at night
and why some of them will never leave this place
or the night shift.

Then this guy
stays at the desk
and I have to ask him
if he's ready to switch
but when its me at the desk
he will come over
place his stuff on the desk
and kinda hover over me
(passive aggression)
until I get up and leave.
Usually he won't put out the sign in sheets
and he basically copies EVERYTHING I do
I bring my laptop
He brings his.
I play music
He plays music
(But his is LOUDER!)
I watch movies
He decides to do the same thing.
I go upstairs to chill in an office area
He does it too.
I know we are all influenced by each other but it just kinda freaks me out sometimes.
Its just reminds me of how other cultures don't like black folks but....
some of them have no problem taking our ideas and things....
Every once in awhile he will clean the desk
but mostly he won't
and I receive the gift of nose hairs and little booties on the desk
(yet I'm the one who is crazy right?)
Another co-worker I flat out avoid
because she is a trigger
an angry verbal showdown with her
it caused me anxiety attacks that lasted for days.
Another person is cool sometimes
then he will just flip
perhaps he's bipolar
because I don't know what to expect
and yeah other people noticed this but overlook it
so it ain't just me.
Its crazy that I gotta worry about
the crazy people out there
and strange co-workers (people from other depts) in here
I just wanna write this shit down
so I can go back later and look at it to remind myself
I wasn't imagining all these things.

Human beings be trippin.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 16

I didn't go to work tonight because I needed a day. I had a migraine for like a few days and then earlier when I took the last migraine pill I had from Kaiser I got that weird sensation in my arms and legs again. It really felt like someone was squeezing my arms and legs so I just got up and started moving around. That helped. Eventually I went to sleep but it helped to know I didn't have to worry about getting up to go to work. The migraine sorta came back though later then gradually it just faded. I did end up having a dream about some lady getting basically beat up until some ghosts helped her by tripping the attackers. Its something because in the dream I was able to make the ghosts trip the bad guys. Then the lady took a long running start that led into her doing this crazy ass flying kick into the bad guy who'd almost knocked her out with this devastating punch earlier.

I have really been thinking alot about the diets that the kids at the lgbt center have. I have eaten some of the food and what I've noticed is they get alot of meat in their diets. They need better food. Maybe thats why many of them act so crazy. I wonder if theres anything I can do about that?

I rode the bus yesterday and it was so damn crowded. Mostly because of the homeless people sleeping in the seats. I don't believe any were wearing masks. I recall a guy sneezing or coughing the other day and somebody told him "Cover your fucking mouth man! What the fuck is wrong with you?!?" I plan to go back to taking the train again pretty soon. Tired of this shit. Its bad enough I have to walk a block from the bus stop across from my job because alot of the time TS prostitutes like to hang out there. People drive by cruiseing you and then theres homeless folks or crazies who like to occupy or just sleep on the bench. I can't even recall the last time I sat at that bench. I'm sure its filthy and I don't wanna bring any "guests" home with me. There was this handsome brother sitting next to me this morning. He's a security guard. Don't think I've seen him before. He was agitated about something and saying something hostile, but because I had headphones on I couldn't quite make it out. I tried my hardest not to look in his direction. Young, dark, hot and full of testosterone. Then this really pretty sister came to sit after he offered her his seat. She's in her late 40's. Light skinned. Seemed kinda worried about her purse the last time I sat next to her. I just took out my Nook tablet and tried to ignore her behavior. So I didn't so much as make eye contact with her this time. I did notice she was using hand sanitizer on her hands when she sat down. It seems recently they have discovered this stuff may be actually doing more harm than good. Maybe folks didn't get the memo. I guess some would rather not take any chances. Can't say I blame them. I remember some folks would spray stuff on the bus or spread paper before they sat down. Much of the time people do NOT want to sit next to you. Ironically it is probably good to get exposed to the virus so you can build up an immunity. Well for many anyway. Not everyone obviously. Some people go too far I think with trying to be super clean. Its pretty much impossible unless you literally wash your hands immediately after you touch ANYTHING. The only other option is to wear a full body suit. I am pretty damn sure I had some strain of the shit and it simply passed. I really want to fly out of town to see Captain Liberia for my birthday but I am worried about being around others because there is still so much we don't know about this and now they are saying the virus can possibly flare up again later even after you've recovered. I wonder if they will have a vaccine by next year or is 2020 gonna be just like this. Another year of cancelled or pushed back release dates on movies,tv shows and videogames. Shortages on foods and supplies. Folks out of work because businesses are shut down and folks mad because they can't really go anywhere and we all gotta wear these damn masks that make it hard to breathe sometimes. I wanna switch jobs and move not to mention get back to filming but everything is on hold until? I wish I knew when.

I took myself off Grindr awhile back. Had a run in with someone who knew me but I had no idea who they were. I responded to their profile that seemed nice but instead of saying hello the response was "Hello Sergio. Have a nice day Sir!" It was a weird exchange. I don't want to get to the point where I'm thinking all gay men are nuts and somethings wrong with how pheremones are working and thats part of why we are so strange with each other so I decided its time to take a long break from even attempting to date. Honestly sometimes I feel a slight curiousity toward women and I wonder if its got anything to do with the fact most men seem to reject me and my body has gone thru some sort of biological change to help me find companionship. Or it could be I'm evolving beyond just being gay. In nature animals do change to suit situations. I have been focusing alot on using my left hand as much as possible for activities and I can tell its certainly helped me. Especially in the reflexes department. Reaction time too. I don't really talk to people about this stuff but I think its good to write it down because it might help someone one day. I know that tapping into other parts of your brain most don't normally use can help make you better in some ways. Could even cure mental illness and boost your physical abilities based on your faith or state of mind. The down side is that you could tap into some things which could be destructive if you don't learn to control it or if no one shows you how. Some examples are awareness of spiritual beings and empathy. Sometimes I think this is pheremonal but people can feel what you're feeling and they can be drawn to you. There is also tremendous truth to you become what you think so you have to be careful what you're feeling about yourself when others are around because they can pick up on it and react. Basically what I'm saying is that if you feel like you are a piece of shit people are gonna treat you that way. I have heard of some people with psychic abilities having to move to more secluded places too because in a city type environment you are bombarded with vibrations from folks. And alot of folks are fucked up. (Could explain why I am usually more active and creative at night. Less "psychic noise") There are books about shielding yourself and visualization exercises involving color. Hell even wearing certain colors can affect how people react to you. Human beings are really strange creatures. I'm gonna go on record as saying most of the time I'm not even sure how human I am because of all the bizarre things I experience.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 15

THE HATED HERO SYNDROME

Had another one of those weird incidents at work last night.
Its often weird working here.
At times it feels wondrous and magical working here.
There are so many lost souls and dark personalities here.
Sometimes I think that is what attracts some of the crazies who come around
or try to hang out.
I approached a group and asked them to turn the music down they were blasting.
I was basically ignored.
I was made to feel helpless.
I was only looking out for the clients who were sleeping nearby.
I was heckled until a YOUTH ADVOCATE came outside to investigate.
I was reminded last night how much these kids tend to hate us security guard who work here to protect them and for the most part they DO NOT RESPECT US and I don't think its supposed to be this way.
Sometimes I think everybody hates us because they call us "snitches" or "rent a cops" when all we're trying to do is do our jobs so we can go home like everyone else and pay our bills.
I really don't understand this widespread misconception about us.

RANT OVER.

***************

I dreamt I was flying the other night.
It was the first dream I'd had in a while.
Was falling upwards
pulled by some force
and I heard a voice say
"Don't look down"
Then I heard it say
"Awake"
and my midsection glowed.
After that I was flying around like Superman.
Was flying down a hallway and Sgt James was there awestruck.

I dreamt today me and my brother "Joshuazilla" and a small boy were sitting
getting spun around in this strange carousel-like machine
as photos of us were snapped.
It felt REAL.
So I'm dreaming again.

Last night I asked Sgt James if he could remember any of his dreams and he said "No"
Is that normal?
Shouldn't artists dream?

Confessions of a sad superhero book 14

(Written while listening to and watching an awesome Sade concert)

MADNESS

Madness is
the man at the bus stop
talking to himself
yelling out to everybody
how nasty gay people are
and then he gets on the same damn bus as you.

Madness is
the little girl outside your apt building
throwing paper all over the ground
and when you say something to her about it
twenty years later you're still being punished by her family
because you dared to say something about being disrespectful to where we live
and so many more are like that family
they care nothing about their home
this earth we call home.
I saw a man throw trash on the ground the other day
like it was the thing to do
and I'm the one they call crazy.

Madness is
caring so much
maybe too much
feeling so much
thinking so much about those
whom to them I am but an afterthought
a strange weird thing
but the only bizarre thing I ever did was speak the truth about how I feel
(Apparently this isn't acceptable to the masses)

Madness is
being rejected by those
those who in another life
coulda been my soulmate
and I'm not even sure I believe in such things anymore

Madness is
knowing so many things
knowing about folks
knowing what their gonna do before they even say or do it
hearing everything
feeling the spirits move around you all the time
feeling invisible eyes on you
invisible fingers picking at the computer files that are parts of my brains
feeling like you are in an epic movie
and knowing ultimately you are
a supporting character
even when you feel the limelight on you at times

Madness is wanting to run
yet not knowing exactly where you want to run to
to kickstart that exciting music at the end when you make your big comeback against
the bad guy.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 13

I was here at work just now and I watched an interaction between a trans prostitute and a customer. So I'm on the rooftop looking out at the city when a nice convertible drives up. A trans prostitute is walking by. The driver starts blasting music and the prostitute walks over. They talk. I hear her giggle then the next thing I know she's opening the car door and getting inside. I thought to myself out loud...."Now I can't even get a date. Is that what I need to do? Put on a wig and a mini skirt?" Sometimes the world seems so strange, wicked and twisted. I dunno. It just feels strange to be a good person with a good heart and morals....I'm not exactly ugly but I just don't seem to be what people want. But a trans prostitute who has probably been with hundreds of men and is out there walking the streets at night is able to pull the most gorgeous and successful of the species. This all just seems ironic to me. I think irony might just be my favorite word.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 12

Yesterday I think I saw the future. I know it sounds weird but let me explain.... I was running to catch a bus and I literally saw the bus go by from down the street. So I ran to try and catch it because I knew it had to stop so folks could get on or off. But when I finally get there theres no bus and I look further down the street expecting to at least see the back lights of it leaving but nothing. Then seconds later I look back to see the bus is coming up the street and has not even passed yet even though I had just seen it pass. Strangeness. Then I was having this weird shit happen on instagram, I was trying to click on a video someone liked that I'd posted awhile back and everytime I clicked on it I kept getting sent to some conspiracy or militant type sites. I've also started getting messages on instagram from folks claiming to be a part of some organizations. Could be that algorithm shit I suppose since my followers are getting on up in number again. (I'm actually planning to take a break from social media soon)

My co-worker who I just happen to think is supremely handsome has been strong on my mind truthfully but I have been able to make peace with the fact he will never be compatible with me. He hasn't really shown any interest. I mean he did bring me some chicken shish kabobs the other day but.... I get the idea he like "The Ninja" think I'm cool but they don't wanna appear too nice because they think I might get the wrong idea. I think he's just not interested. Its weird to be around someone who you could have actually married in some parallel universe because you are so connected in things yet in this universe the other person will not see you that way. (But the truth of it is I do not believe we are sexually compatible. Take that however you want to) Mostly I have abandoned the idea that an American black man will figure importantly romance-wise in my life anymore. It simply feels (and its strange to say this) I'm not what any of them are looking for. What are they looking for? I think most are looking for themselves and in many other cases they are looking for someone with qualities they lack. This could explain why so many gay black men I have alot in common with are only into hyper masculine types or guys of other races.... People want you to have that perfect body. That perfect job. And a car. Lets be serious....9 out of 10 people won't touch you with a 10 foot pole if you don't drive. Its bizarre that some people actually believe you are useless when you don't have certain things. In reality maybe two people who each lack a specific thing could work together as a team to compliment each other. "Lymonicus" one of my friends used to say I am a Robin who needs a Batman. Its all about teamwork which is a concept that soars way over the heads of these mofos out here. I just don't wanna end up one of thsoe huys with alot of animals who has given up on people. (Geez am I partially dyslexic?)

Thing is I probably won't be living in the united states in another year or two. Best not to get attached to anyone here. Right now I am focusing on saving money and getting as many projects completed as possible before I go back into production on my films in August. Ima try to hang in here until the end of this year or early 2021. Sometimes its hard. Sometimes people here who don't like me go really out of their way to remind me I'm not welcome. I think its interesting when people put energy into stupid shit like that. Why not put that energy you spend coming after me into something constructive? Making change in the world. Fighting for a worthy cause. Or just go back to school and learn a trade so you can get out of whatever situation you may feel trapped in by increasing your financial status. Alot of folks walking around with so much pent up energy they just don't know what to do with it. I'm still not getting along with a lady who works here. Another person just stopped speaking to me. Someone I've known for years. I have been made aware that people sometimes try to listen in on conversations around here. I don't know. Perhaps he heard something and got it twisted? I also know I am the topic for discussion by some folks hwo have spread some untruths about me. Nothing really I can do about that. If people wanna just listen to what someone tells them thats their business. I remember my cousin who let me stay with here when I first came to LA telling me folks were telling her things before she let me stay with her. I don't even know where I'd be now if she'd listened. Its crazy to think someone behind the scenes could actually affect the path your life takes. This is one reminder to me how dangerous people can be. I'm not gonna allow myself to trip. Guess all you can do in the end  is let folks outsmart themselves. One can't avoid negativity. However you can control how much of it you let in your life. You get to a point in life where you can see it coming a mile away.

I got more art from "The Bicknell" featuring my new superheroes. I wanted to work with Mr. Rivero again but he's never forgiven me for not letting him move in with me when he was going thru some difficult times. In my defense I was dealing with my own shit and my place is still basically a mess. And its already small and cluttered. It just felt like a bad idea letting someone else come in. I've lost this artist so thats something I gotta get past. I really liked dude though. Theres so many comic and animation or game projects in my head and I need to be more aggressive with finding artists who are taking commissions if I'm gonna be able to get more projects done faster. Its something bonding with a new artist. You gotta make sure they get your vision. It is awkward asking a straight guy to draw certain things though. "The Bicknell" is so cool I think he would draw anything I'd ask him. I do need to look for a kick ass gay artist. Probably a ghost writer too. Just more things for me to think on. I plan to come back later and update this post.

*Update* (The next day) -To Swing out sister music on spotify-

Me and a co-worker have noticed someone has been snapping photos of us when we go on patrol. Who and why are they doing this? Maybe I just shouldn't care. (If someone wants to waste their time doing silly things thats their business right?)

People are so damn nosey. I'm going in and out of my apt or my building and folks are coming to their doors to look and see. And its really creepy to know someone is just standing there at their peephole watching you go about your daily life.

Why the hell do people copy me? I listen to music. They do it.  I bring my laptop they do it. Its alot of other things and I notice it and it kind of weirds me out. If I dare to call people out on it they simply deny it. Its strange. Folks have the nerve to call me weird when they are constantly doing things to upstage any bizarre behavior I might exhibit. Anyway....

I spoke to "Captain Liberia" this morning via Facebook videochat. Such a convenient application that is.  Just seeing that cute guy and his smile made me realize how much I really miss him. We talked for probably half an hour or so. I mentioned going to see him on my birthday but with this katrina virus thing still an issue all over I dunno.

George Floyds death has sparked a movement. A revolution really. Folks are pissed and it was like that time you blew up at somebody for not taking out the trash but it was really about more than the damn trash. More of a case of built up things. The Black Lives slogan has been thrown around alot too. But what does it really mean? Theres a group with that name but they don't always line up with the ideaology of the movement. Its one of those strange things. But to break it down I would have to say its like politics. Some things are done for the people but others are done for some sort of gain. Its all crazy but some folks black or white or whatever will never get over racism or they have some stake in fanning those flames that divide us. Of course I don't hate all white people and I don't like it when anyone tries to make me feel I should because of bad things some of them have done to us over the years. I have some good friends who are white. Actually I really consider a few family. Yep I have had some bad experiences but much of the time white folks are nice to me. Also white men and women have been responsible for creating things that have and will continue to inspire the person I have become forever. Now I'm not gonna sit here and pretend there are no serious issues that need to be addressed (don't even get me started on the not so covert racism in the LGBTQ community) yet the George Floyd thing has kicked in doors that might have been closed before in regards to certain discussions we need to be having. And no I do not think the police should be "de-funded" Give those mother fuckers better training for gods sake. And in the same breath take some money from their operation and spend it on some other areas in the community that need help. (Teacher salaries. More teachers. Bigger class rooms and more supplies for them youngins. Better yet put ya'll heads together and figure out a way to keep black and brown folks from killing each other every year in record numbers. When are WE gonna make our neighborhoods safer??? Better? Cleaner? Yeah that needs to happen. Its long overdue. So whats up?


UPDATED SATURDAY:

HAPPY/HATED FACE

See me coming
I hold the door open for you
frown at me
like I committed a crime by being born.
How is it possible to direct so much negativity at someone you don't know?
Got out your vehicle
looking like a star but you're really a torn decrepit planet
torn and rotten on the inside.

Is that why you put on so much make-up?

(Okay so what had happened was....I creeped out to the 7/11 over by my job and on my way inside I see this really pretty girl get out of a black SUV. She looked like a celebrity. Anyway I did what I would have done for anyone....I held the door open for her. She seemed to mutter something nasty and I wasn't sure if she was being rude to me or someone in the back who seemed to say something to her. Maybe cat-calling or something. I dunno. But it was really weird how nasty her attitude in the store seemed yet on her way out she was so courteous and kind as she told the cashier good night and thank you. I don't know. Maybe I am reading too much into this but I was having a nice conversation with the cashier as I scanned the app for the discount and scanned my bank card. Maybe that's why her and the other person in line seemed so pissed at me. It just feels like when you are happy and cheerful folks think they can just come at you with negativity and I don't understand that. But I do understand why so many people are quiet and keep to themselves. Sometimes its like when you smile or talk you give people ammo to use against you. From my observations folks dress and create certain personas about themselves to keep people at a distance so they won't be hurt. Those of us who wear our hearts on our sleeves just tend to make easy targets. Until the day we get sick and tired of being sick and tired.)

UPDATED LATER SATURDAY......
Last night or rather early this morning at work I witnessed something tragic yet beautiful at the same time. I had to write about it because it felt like one of those epic type epiphanies really. There was this kid at the center having some sort of mental breakdown episode. I could see on the videocameras as a group of their friends gathered around them to help and comfort them as they went thru it. Even running after them to keep them from hurting themselves. I thought to myself how awesome it is to have friends like that who rallied behind someone. Friends who accept you and completely understand what you're going thru. I have had good friends but I don't think I have really ever encountered anything quite like what those kids have with each other. To me its just an incredible thing to have. That sense of community I guess. Maybe this is why people like seeing underdogs come together. Maybe we are all searching for that sense of community. Belonging. A safe space.

Updated Sunday:
Stopped taking allergy medicine weeks ago to hopefully give my body a chance to build up resistance. Also changing my diet to include more veggies and seafood.

Updated Monday:
I guess I don't give much thought to the fact I really don't have much of a support system here in Los Angeles. My dad asked me for an emergency contact and I was only able to give him one. When I went for my colonoscopy I had only an old acquaintance to call upon for transport. No wonder Cali feels like such a lonely place at times.

Updated Wednesday (July 1st)

"Sometimes I feel like I am trapped in a nightmare where everybody is scared to be nice to me"

UPDATED JULY 3 2020

I got a headache
because I was thinking so hard about
trying not to think about you.

I got a headache because
I was trying not to think about
looking in the direction of the man
who won't speak to or look in my direction
-and I really don't know why this is going on going on like a month now. Maybe longer-

I got a headache because of those tight ass headphones I put on
when I knew full well I shouldn't have
because I was already trying to fight off an oncoming headache.

I got a headache because I was lost in feelings
feelings of not belonging
feelings of being unlovable
or doomed not to ever feel arms around me
feelings of being invisible and not mattering until I'm rich
feelings of indifference because folks laughed at my art
gawked at me
because I'm walking and don't have a car
gossiped about me
whispered in so many ears
people tiptoe around acting as if I don't know what those whispers are.
Bad things
some painful to repeat
and its painful sometimes
thinking folks think those things about me.
I think they're trying to shape my reality
and they don't even know me.
I turn into a scared insecure teenaged boy
when I'm around them
(thats not who I am)
I've got to get away from here.

I got this damn headache
planning
and at times being impatient with myself
but I'm working towards it
gotta keep my eyes on the plan
save that money
keeping on believing in me
and this is the silent black man rage that often grips me
sends me spiraling into that void of anxiety
plays havok with my immune system.
I'm like that scared cat on the piano
attempting to make reason out of insanity.
Please understand
this is why I got this damn headache
this is the reason
the methodology behind Sergio's madness.

7.5.2020
Rejection is a double-edged sword
On one hand I see I was never good enough for you
won't ever be good enough
ain't never gonna be
you see I never had a chance.
Wrong race
Not masculine enough
I'm not a top
Dude you don't even see
Not really see me
at all.
I'm not on your level
and I gotta learn to stay in my lane.
Hell I've cheated myself
been putting so much damn energy into a man
who I can't even connect with
and I'm sad
sick inside
every time I think about
all the friends
family members
or even other potential lovers I spurned because of you
(How many videogames I coulda been playing, books I coulda written, planes I coulda jumped on
to fly into the arms of someone who does indeed want me. There are folks
they've seen me at my worst and they never gave up on me.)
I'm done crying inside for fools who refuse to accept what I have to offer.
I'm done investing in your business that never wanted my money in the first place
even when I tried to give it to you interest free.
I see now
YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME
No matter what I do or where I go in life
I rushed in like a fool
heart on my sleeve
you threw my toys back at me and said
go home little boy
so thats what I'm doing
No more tears
Indeed.
From now on my ass is turning away from
THIS madness.
I am done with you.
We were never meant to be
and all you ever were
was a lesson.

UPDATED JULY 11 2020

Had some shit at work the last few days. I've been doing good by avoiding that one trigger person at work but theres another. A hispanic male who works in another dept as a supervisor. This is the same guy who tried to get me in trouble at the highland location by taking a photo of the Roku I used to hook up  to the tv in the kitchen. He then took said photo to upper management. Anyway the other day he came to say the elevator at the senior building was left unlocked all shift. Sgh JAmes said it was not unlocked. Meanwhile a maintenance person told me the elevator was unlocked. THen the other night this same supervisor came to tell us the gate across from the village was opened. We are not allowed to patrol out there since the protests started and said individual was told that. But when I walked past him and his staff they were all talking spanish and stopped to stare at me as I walked past. "The Ninja" who used to work there said he used to experience the same thing and they constantly gave him a hard time. He said it was as if they just didn't like to see us talking when so many other things folks do around here are overlooked. I just don't understand what can be accomplished by antagonizing someone and creating a hostile environment. Sometimes its difficult to communicate because many don't speak english. I don't really plan to be working here much longer so I  really don't wanna put too much energy into these things. Also theres a possibility someone at my job could be checking out my online stuff. I know it sounds crazy but it was recently revealed someone at the job wrote some things online that raised eyebrows. I gotta be careful especially in these hyper sensitive times we now live in. Another thing thats still a concern is who in the world keeps snapping photos of me and Sgt James when we are on patrol and why? I dunno. Maybe its tied in with the legal crap that I found myself in the middle of a few months back....

UPDATED 7.16.2020
Its weird. I seem to have quite the fan club among some people at my worksite. I noticed a few times I walked by and there was some slight snickering. Giggling. Not just from youth either. Also other times theres like something thats changed about how members of the Y/C dept treat me. Its really the energy. On top of that I have had issues with the maintenance dept and have had to start avoiding certain co-workers. Just what is going on here? The last few nights have been something. Especially Monday. There was a knife wielding person blocking an exit then the alarms went off because someone was smoking weed. I am still gonna try my best to just hang on in here for the next six months but hopefully I can basically keep a low profile till then and save up alot of money so I can take a break from working before I move. Keep my eyes on the plan....

UPDATED 7.17.2020
So a funny thing happened like a week ago.... I finally told my co-worker how I felt. About him I mean. Then I explained I understand he doesn't feel the same way and I will never bring it up again. (Why did I bring it up in the first place???) I told him awhile back that I had a dream about him but I spared him the details. It was a sexual dream. Felt really real and nice but I accept it as a fantasy. Dude and I are obviously not compatible. I will leave it at that. I mean....when you see a person everyday and they communicate with you (even if its at an arms length like you have the damn plaque) you pick up certain things. Gestures. Mannerisms. Small little things they say. Yeah. I do pay attention. I wonder if one day this guy is gonna look back and say...."I wonder what if I had actually dated him....hmmm" Anyway I was listening to some music by "System of a down" the night after my texted confession and dude came over heard the song and basically bolted for the elevator. Honestly I know he thought I put the song on because I wanted to him to hear it. But I did not. So that happened and it was weird. So maybe I did a bad thing by admitting I have feelings for the guy. I guess in the future I will reframe from doing such things. (Man I remember back in the day it was actually a compliment when someone was attracted to you. Now its apparently SCARY and forbidden. I swear gay men have lost their minds) I don't wanna become the type to give up on relationships and just surround myself with animals but man I just wonder maybe I should consider exploring this latent bi-sexual thing. Other than perhaps Johnathon it appears I may just not be interesting to men anymore. I dunno if its a hormonal thing or whats going on with people and dating in general.

I think some folks have a chemical imbalance that makes them not feel much of anything because of their diets. Also people seem to be getting more and more unbalanced in their behavior as if they were bi-polar or something. Seen a lot of homeless folks on public transportation. Some are mentally ill. Sleeping on the buses. Not wearing masks on the buses. Sometimes coughing and sneezing. Then there's the individuals that come around the job place. I had to kick some people offsite today but it wasn't scary and crazy like usual. I was on patrol and saw a group hanging out in the courtyard. I approached them and everyone got quiet after a moment. At first I thought they were gonna ignore me and give me a hard time but they all looked up at me and then that's when I said you guys can't be here. They were all like "You just waited until we stopped talking" I was like "Well you all got quiet and it was all dramatic" They started laughing and preparing to leave as I walked away. I really wish everytime I encounter folks doing crazy stuff on site they shouldn't be doing they would be as cooperative as these kids were. (I've also noticed sometimes people get right on the property and something seems to trigger them to acting crazy. I have some theories but the most likely one is there's one of those sonic devices that is supposed to deter people from properties and its affecting them. I've noticed I get a particularly weird feeling when I go down in the parking area. Another thing I have noticed is sometimes people go out of their way to not walk close to the building. There are Covid notices on the doors so maybe that's got something to do with it?)

*I asked a co-worker advice on dealing with or rather working with a difficult person. I was referring to someone who has worked with me on some film projects. He said I should just keep it business. I have actually distanced myself from this co-worker who in the past has done or said nasty disrespectful things to me. He once said I come to work and go in one of the conference rooms because I am trying to be important. He also said something to me about using light skin privilege when he is just a slight as I am. I am not even sure if he was joking or not but its weird to discover people are possibly thinking or saying crazy stuff about you behind your back. But I have discovered the hard way sometimes people do actually believe things folks tell them when you are not around and it reflects in how they treat you. You might not even have the slightest idea why so and so just stopped talking to you one day for. I am tired of giving energy to these people. They will never know me and are not important at all in my life. I hope not.

UPDATED 7.17.2020

I tried to call my brother to wish him a happy birthday. I got his voicemail. Its weird....I try to reach out to Joshuazilla at times and it seems he just isn't really interested. I guess we barely know each other and I'm the weird gay brother. Joshuazilla was raised a lot differently than me and my sisters. He got away with a lot of things Eddie and my mother would have killed us for. Also his generation missed out on some of the things my generation had. I mean....we were taught morality and had REAL tangible role models. Not saying Joshuazilla is a dummy but I think he may have hung around and been influenced by some numbnuts. He's actually superhumanly intelligent. I don't know that he'll ever do anything with it. Having kids and smoking "Mary" and kinda jumping around with his life goals has put him in a bind. The military didn't work out. I thought he'd be some sort of basketball star by now but that didn't happen. He needs guidance and maybe oneday years from now when his maturity catches up with that evolved mind I can help him and build real bonds. The Disney trip was a start.

Things I notice.

People copy me.
Its kinda strange but if I'm listening to music others do it. If I bring coffee in my thermos others do it. I do say anything. I guess we are all influenced by others to a degree but its interesting that some folks who might not necessarily be able to stand you are watching and imitating things you do. Thats all.

You know who is acting weird again. I mean to say the dude I have a crush on. Its something I try not to dwell upon. There are actual people out there I should be giving my time to and not focusing on someone who is not on the same page with me. At times he will come to the desk and then go away until its time to change over for patrols. He started coming over to put his stuff on the desk when he's ready to change. This was something I used to do because I just didn't wanna stand around waiting. I get it. Keep your distance. Don't be too friendly with Sergio or he might get the wrong idea. Only I won't. The more time I spend around him and the more I observe I have come to understand there is a lot of things going on in this guys life. He has health stuff and he seems unsure what to do with himself. He's a great singer but has absolutely no clue how to utilize it. He kinda jumps around on stuff. I'd like to help. God knows everytime he said his back was hurting I wanted to offer a massage but I just don't go there. He has a dog and I think that's partly because he's running from intimacy which is a shame but that's not my problem. He has a personal trainer yet there's nothing wrong with his body. He is a beautiful man. But I guess maybe he has to get in better shape to attract the type he likes? I dunno. Maybe its for the right reasons but with plenty of gay men its NOT and I don't know if he will ever let anyone love him. I don't know if he will ever be happy because I look around me and see so many people falling into these traps where they never achieve their potential. This is why I have to get out of here and get in the company of people who believe in themselves and are not scared to join with me as we build each other up. In a perfect world dude and I could be a power couple and build an empire because we have some key things/values in common. But unfortunately we have no sexual compatibility and as more time goes by I have noticed other things (I won't go into detail over) that definitely prove we could never work. He could possibly be a friend but I don't think he really wants that outside the workplace. Chances are I will never see him again once I leave here. Now Captain Liberia on the other hand is a good catch and its crazy I can't go see him now because of this Panda Pandemic. Whats a guy to do? Should I even realistically be thinking of going on dates at a time like this???