The weekend came and went. It went by so fast. Actually time seems to have sped up these days. They say its like that when you get older. We are still trying to process the shooting that just happened I think. The streets seem colder and lonelier now. Somewhat foreboding. The guard I relieved said the previous shift was crazy because everyone is on edge. People are sad but people are mostly keeping it in even though you can see they're sad. I was thinking about going to the candlelight vigil they had at In the Meantime which is a black gay get together type of group. I used to go to In the Meantime but I stopped going partly because I didn't fit in and because of the location. The time the group was held meant I'd have to jump on the bus after an hour then head straight to work. I got a text from the group about a candlelight vigil being held. Considered going but I would have had to take an Uber or Lyft. Had to do some work on a script and that took longer than it should have because of my slow ass computer. Ended up having to catch a Lyft to work at the last minute. One of my associates said he wasn't going to any vigils. He's of the mind its just better/safer to stay home. Especially now the way things are. Crowded places with a lot of people could be trouble. Yesterday after I got home I saw on the news I'd narrowly avoided an incident at Hollywood and Highland which is where I catch the train at every morning after work. Police were on the site looking around because of some suspicious looking liquid they found. This type of thing seems to occur every so often but I think someone could be doing this stuff and testing to see what happens. They might even be taking notes you know? The guy who shot up the club Sunday morning in Orlando Florida (according to what I read on yahoo news) actually went to the gay club about a dozen times. He'd go there and have some drinks. He spoke to people and acted out sometimes after drinking. He was obviously casing the place. Probably building up his nerve for what He'd planned. And its creepy to know he used sites like Grindr or Adam4Adam. I have used Adam4Adam many times over the years and met some decent people here and there but there are some really bad elements of gay society on that site. Like I said there are some nice folks sprinkled here and there but there are so many fake profiles. People from other countries asking for money. People asking you to "be generous" with them if you wanna get with them (which is kinda like being a prostitute in my opinion) Then theres the nasty ass and dick photos people have in their profiles. Often even as the profile photo. That's just nasty and so many gay men act like theres absolutely nothing wrong with showing off photos like that even if its not their own privates in the pic.

So the guy was possibly struggling with his sexuality and maybe he just couldn't deal with it. And he snapped partially due to it. Sometimes when people hate gays so much its because they are secretly experiencing these feelings themselves. I remember how uncomfortable I was when dealing with my gayness initially but I educated myself and came to terms with it over time. So I dealt with my coming out logically. There is no logic whatsoever in taking a gun and mowing down a bunch of complete strangers because you hate what you are and please don't give me that shit about "GOD told you to do it" If you can't prove to me some deity in fact gave you a command then I don't believe you and you're just full of shit. Or mental. These deities you worship (if they really exist) have been around much longer than you or anyone else and it makes no sense they need you to do anything for them. You think they couldn't whip up another flood if gay people pissed them off so much? No they don't need you. You need to feel important or a part of something. You need attention or you've simply been brainwashed into buying into another of mankinds great lies.

Dudes father has a tv show that's taped here in Cali. He said he was against what his son did. Supposedly months ago the kid saw some gay men kissing and it really pissed him off. His father told him that God would eventually punish the gays for what they are doing. Punish us for what? Punish us for daring to love each other? Yeah some of us are disgusting scum with no morals or self respect but the same can be said of straight people. For someone who is supposedly so terrible there are some truly awesome gay people who have contributed great things to our society as a whole. Music,art,dance,inventions,medicine,literature. Anyone with common sense should eventually start to question anything that they cannot see with their own eyes or prove. Folks get so caught up in this religious crap and it destroys them from within. It cripples their ability to think for themselves. It punishes those who dare to stray and stifles creativity at times. Yes it does keep some people from going too far with their evilness but its probably safe to say religion isn't for everyone. These are just things people made up to help them make sense of whats out there. Or who is out there. For the record I do not believe we are alone but I do believe most of us have it all WRONG.

The shooters name is Omar and its freaky how much he looks like a Hispanic guy I recently dated. I dreamed about him yesterday too. Things were cool with us at first and I was wondering if something special would come out of us.... It was a pretty bad situation that took place in Detroit. Mostly it was a misunderstanding and an attempt I think to manipulate me. It was a freaky situation because I really liked this guy but he will never know because I had to cut him loose for trying to sabotage one of my film shoots. He almost did truthfully. Anyway Omar beat his ex wife. She said he was abusive....bipolar and that there was just something wrong with him. Some of his former co-workers described him as having a temper and he was on the FBI's list of possible problems but I guess they never really had anything to pin on him and they obviously can't predict the future so THAT happened. We may never really know what was going on with this guy. Although Isis is now saying they are behind it. Could be they just wanna take credit for it. That's what Obama believes. He says it was a homegrown act. But it is strange that this man picked up the phone and called authorities to pledge his allegiance with the terror group before he went back inside. He took hostages too. Thankfully the swat team blew up portions of the bathroom walls to extract the people trapped and they were able to take him down. Theres an eerie video a girl made on her phone probably just seconds before getting shot. Also one incredibly handsome brother managed to text his mom right before the gunman entered the restroom where he and others were hiding. As I type this the anger washes all over me again that so many promising young lives were taken so needlessly by such a fucking coward. I wish Obama would straight up ban guns but there would be a fight. NRA and the right to bear arms you know.

People were lined up for hours in Orlando to give blood (for the victims of the shooting). There was an issue with some gay and bi men donating blood. Seems the law there is that you can't give blood unless you haven't had sex for a year. Just in case of STD. Meanwhile here in Cali the mood is weird. We just had gay pride weekend but now of course no one feels like celebrating anything. Its all surreal. Katy Perry tweeted "I just can't believe that this is the world we live in" There was a police presence here on the job earlier. Everyone was constantly on their guard. No one could really sit down and it was quite intense. That's what the guard I relieved told me. They want us to be in the parking lot often. Make ourselves visible you know? If they want guards walking around outside at night they should hire two per building for safety. That's what I would do. I'm sure we're gonna see some changes in procedures now. What I do not get is how did the guy get inside the club with a gun? At the Catch One club years ago when I'd go they would wand us down at the door to make sure there were no weapons. So maybe people need to (just like at airports) empty their pockets and let everything go thru an Xray machine before entering. Then they need to stand in a booth that Xrays them before they can come in to get their stuff out of a tray. Come to think of it they do this in courts and govt buildings too. Its gonna take a long time to get in the clubs and the lines will be long but this is simply another freedom we're gonna have to sacrifice all in the name of security. Either that or everyone will be walking around paranoid and afraid to go out anywhere. Obama has had to deal with 14 shootings like this since in office. Its like someone is trying to tear him down or something but I don't see how he's gonna come out of his presidency without doing something radical to end these shootings. The proverbial writing is on the wall.

I guess you could say the last few days have been epic. As much as people like to throw that word around I can think of no other to sum up recent events. And as sleepy as I am I will still do my best to convey my thought processes. This morning I took a LYFT home from work. (LYFT is one of those taxi-like services like UBER only hella cheaper than actual taxis or cabs cost. Example....last night I was running late to work because my usual train didn't go all the way to Highland and so I had to catch a taxi which thank the gods was parked out front when I exited the train station on Hollywood & Vine. The taxi cost like 7 and some change. I put a 2 dollar tip but a LYFT would have only cost $5.00. $7.00 if I gave a $2.00 tip. Now before LYFT and UBER became a thing a tax ride would have cost like $10.00 plus tips but they lowered prices in order to compete. Yay for consumers right?) So anyways I caught the LYFT home and had one of those non-talkative types. Ended up giving him 3 stars on the App when I got home. When I got in they were talking about some shooting on KCRW that had happened in Orlando. I was curious and turned on the Xbox One then went to the ABC news App to see what was going on. Boy was I in for a shock. 50 people dead and 53 wounded at a nightclub in Orlando. The was a tearful mother crying and talking about her son who she was still looking for and footage of people leaving the club covered in blood and some helping carry their wounded friends from the area. Man/woman I was trying so hard to take all this in and just feeling the anger building up inside. All I could think really was how sick and tired I am of these crazy radical people who keep doing all these shootings as they gradually cause our governments to strip us of our privacy among other things. But what gets me is why the hell doesn't the god you worship do something about us as gay people as a whole if he or she has such a problem with us? Of course the answer is simple to any fool able to think logically. God or the gods or whoever obviously has no problem with anyone and they certainly do not need anyone to go out and get a gun and appoint themselves as spokespersons. Why would any deity need that? Then again you have mentally ill folks running around....running away from themselves and they act out this frustration shit on us instead of finding constructive solutions to their issues. Worst they get influenced by some madman with a religious cause. My opinion is a lot of people just wanna fuck shit up anyway and they use the religion as an excuse for acting out. I was so disgusted and upset by everything I saw on the news I wasn't able to go to sleep until somewhere around noon. Normally I am asleep by around 8am-ish.

Woke up around 7pm-ish and noticed someone had left me a voicemail about something that happened in Weho. I was like "Ugh not another one" so I turned on the tv but the reception was soooooo bad on ABC although I did see some people in drag being interviewed about something that happened. Turned on the WiiU and went straight to yahoo.com then it was there I saw that a young white guy had gotten apprehended by cops. They took some guns and stuff for explosives from his car. Apparently he'd been planning to go to gay pride to fuck up some shit today but someone called the cops on his ass after seeing him prowling around. I was dragging so bad because my brain was struggling to get back online I ended up taking a LYFT in to work after running to the golden arches for two of their $5.00 items. A fish sandwich and some (is it really) chicken nuggets. Came in here and was told to go outside to count the trucks in the lot as well as to stay present in the lot. Like I don't already do that. Okay. So as a result of what happened we are on extra alert. Gotta say all these years I have worked here I am surprised some fool hasn't tried something crazy. I remember years ago when I had to stand outside in front of the village building (I do security for the LGBT center) I'd always be thinking in my mind some moron is just gonna drive by, yell fag and throw rocks at me or worse but thankfully nothing ever happened. One of the other guys who worked here said he used to think the same thing.  I have heard stories from some of the guards. Straight guards mind you. People would drive by and throw things at the glass doors and yell faggit. One of the straight women who works here said she was standing in line at a store and I guess the guy saw here LGBT staff shirt and said "I hate gay people". That just seems so ironic to me. But just because someone works for a LGBT organization doesn't mean they are in fact gay. This is a cool company to work for with great benefits. How the hell can you be mad at someone because of where they work anyway? Madness.

So more info on the Orlando shooting has started to surface. It was a young man of middle eastern descent. Handsome but angry and his ex said he was abusive. Mentally ill and that he also beat her. Apparently he 'd called the cops and pledged allegiance to ISIS before he went off on his shooting spree in the club. The other guy who tried to go shooting in Weho was an angry looking white kid. I could tell by looking at his photo that something wasn't quite right about dude. I dunno. Are these guys secretly gay and this is how they deal with the conflicting emotions that can come with this realization and inability to process who they are in a society that will never completely accept them? I think many of us are traumatized in some way. I have had some truly fucked up shit happen to me in my life. I have had true villains smile in my face and even sleep in my bed and break bread with me then turn around and literally stab me so matter of factly then never show any remorse for their actions. As a result its tough for me at times to be around people. I try to stick to myself as much as I can as I simply do not trust people anymore. Gay people. Straight people. Other black people. Crazy entitled white people who just don't know how to channel their own dis-satistfaction with life. So they turn on someone else they deem somehow responsible for their grief. So my thoughts on people is that despite all the good and wonder thay can achieve many are just DANGEROUS because its so easy for them to hurt each other instead of you know offering a hug which is something I've not had in a good while. Yes I have done some bad things in my life but ultimately I am a good person with morals who values life. Even life of the truly despicable. So therin lies proof I still have some of my humanity left in this world which seems intent on taking it from me.  Been hurt. Been treated badly as if I was some walking disease. The pain was so great then can the realization I felt better about myself working nights,throwing myself into my art and working nights, keeping people at a distance as I strive to heal my mind. I try not to even dwell upon the kind of person I'd be had it not been for the few people who believe in me or the comic books,videogames or friendly animals that helped instill in me a strong sense of truth justice and awe of life. It is because I see that some never had such positive reinforcements in their lives that I try to not rush to judge them so harshly even after they have done such terrible things. Still the reality some won't accept is that there are some we cannot save. If we didn't believe that on some levels police and soldiers wouldn't be allowed to kill.

Friday we filmed some pick up scenes for a Sins of Legend episode that should be coming out next month. I had some footage already shot a few months back but decided there was something missing so Friday we shot what is basically supplemental footage. Its important footage though because some of it will directly impact what happens in the SonsofLegend full length film I'm doing with the blessing of Uwe Boll. This is something I have kept mostly secret till now except from people within my circle. I had one actor text me Thursday to say he had been booked on something else. Personally I think he just flaked but I was able to replace him with another cool actor who kinda favored him. Now another actor ended up flaking as well. He is a very handsome middle eastern guy struggling with a turbulent love life and a general lack of direction in his life. It was my goal to have him portray a very important character in the SOL film after introducing him in this Sins episode but since he wasn't responding to my calls or emails I had no choice but to replace him or risk standing around on filming day waiting for him not to show up. It just so happened I had another actor on standby who'd initially said he wanted to be in the shoot then he said he couldn't. I actually replaced him with the actor who looked like the actor I needed a replacement for. Yeah I know its confusing. So I told due since he said he was unable I replaced him but since my middle eastern dude wasn't responding to my calls he could have his role. A main actor had me worried because he also never replied to any of my emails requesting his confirmation vai a reply. He also didn't pick up or return my calls. At the last minute he showed up just as me and another actor were going over an alternative scene we'd planned to shoot. Had to rush off to my job to get a mandatory TB test result but they were able to film a scene without me being there. They couldn't really wait and I'd gotten stuck in traffic on the way back with Louiezilla (Editor and sound guy). We grabbed pizza for everyone as well so that contributed to the hold-up.  Our original cinematographer (Jessica) had canceled as she'd been booked on a big production at the last minute. Ended up using Robert who is working with me on my LGBT short film for next year. (We already shot some scenes at his house which is also where we shot on Friday) Robert is hella cheaper than Jessica and his camera equipment is nearly equal so there shouldn't be a noticeable difference when we combine the footage. Rob used to put out his own webseries called "The bratty anti-Christ". Eventually we're gonna do a cross-over with DragonManx. I have some crazy ideas! The day was looong especially since I'd not slept the night before. Some caffeine helped but man I was so sleepy I kept nodding off in the car on the way home when Louiezilla was talking to me about his recent house selling adventure. The scenes were one involving the character Angkor having a revealing argument with the girl he's seeing whom he had been lying to and the other scene involved DragonManx showing up to drop of a potential Sins recruit who needs some direction in his life. We filmed from 10am till about 6pm-ish. What started out as a nice cool overcast day turned into a HOT sun blasted ordeal. But there was food. Since Rob is cheaper I had more moolah to spend on food and beverages for everyone. Also it wasn't that big of a deal having to pay folks more when we went over on their time. I paid some in checks but I'm gonna regret that soon because I need to order more checks since I accidentally washed a bunch of them over a week ago. Paid some folks via paypal which is such a great convenience even though theres a 3 day wait for processing. It feel good to not be completely broke after a shoot. Gotta get back to spending like $500.00-$600.00 per episode like it was in the old days. It feels good to know another episode is done though. Probably gonna film right up till august then gonna give myself a break so I can start saving money to move. Whats next is putting together a shoot for Detroit later this month (and one in August that I will likely attend as a birthday gift to self). Gotta get more shirts made and some jackets. Need to get the soundtracks done for these projects which is gonna involve hiring some local and not so local talent! Of particular interest to me is a young very hungry rapper from London and a composer who lives in Kansas(?) Then theres the Detector Pig cartoon,some comic book plans and a videogame project. But this stuff is likely for 2017. My four webseries will return to Youtube refreshed and semi-rebooted with four new episodes later this year so somebody is gonna be pretty busy. I think its safe to say goodbye to whatever semblance of a love life one might have had although The Crazy African says he's visiting in July....