(To Prince)

Told me I was useless
because I don't drive.
And sometimes I still believe it
wishing I could live somewhere cars don't equate status
because here they do.
Told me I was useless
but it was with his eyes
everytime he looks at me
when he walks in the room
and even now
looks at me
like I'm the worst
and to my knowledge I have done nothing.
Then again people don't need a reason to hate you
so why the hell am I wondering did somebody whisper some lies in his ears?
Told me it looked like I was doing nothing
suddenly changed the rules at work
when if they watched the damn cameras they'd see
every five minutes somebody is coming in and out that gate
so now suddenly they ask us to leave it open
in a world where literally millions hate gay people
(How much sense does that make?)
Told me my body wasn't acceptable
so body shamed we all are I suppose
most of us never take our shirts off
or take photos that go lower than the chest.
Get yo shit together they say
Get that bank account straight
before you have a chance of me getting with you
and I say that they might be waiting a long time.
Aren't I supposed to be getting myself together for me
and not to gain someone else's approval?

I don't think anything I do can ever satisfy these people.
They don't know what its like to walk in my shoes.
This titanic struggle continues with so many private little victories
I'm celebrating (and sometimes crying) with the spirits
because they see EVERYTHING.

(Written to Seal Accoustic album)

Yesterday on my way home with a couple of other guards an arguing couple appeared at the bus stop and things got VERY loud and violent with this one dude. He was a tall brown skinned and gorgeous brother who had his shirt off. But he was yelling and punching the bus stop and causing it to shake so much I thought the glass would break. It certainly shook more than the earthquake last night I didn't feel at all. (Now the same dude is out in front of my job! This crazy world) Dudes transgendered girlfriend was so meek and fearful and she kept saying "I'm sorry and I don't know what you want me to do" I was really scared for her. When the bus did finally come me and the other guards decided we'd had enough drama so we didn't get on when the couple did. The shirtless dude must've been pissed at us because as the bus drove off he actually looked right in my direction as he threw something at the window. Sometimes people treat me like I'm some bloody screaming maniac like that even though in my entire life I have never done anything like that. They do say folks sometimes have stuff inside they are so scared people will see that they will go out of their way to divert attention onto someone else. Everything you have ever accused me of you have done. Like in Color purple when Whoopi says "Everything you done to me been done to you" Am I the mirror everyone wants to smash? Am I? They see me and want to kill me because they want to kill themselves. ""You'd kill me? You'd kill yourselves!" (Akasha: Queen of the damned)


I want to go to the movies but I can't
because everything is shut down.
I want to ask someone out
even though I'll probably be wasting my time
(I think we both want the same thing)
but I can't ask him out
can't even get a hotel room
or invite him out to an amusement park
because everything is closed down.
Stuck at home
but I'm always home
most of the time anyway.
I just hate feeling you know
trapped
like I can't go anywhere
and people at my job stopped telling us we are appreciated
certain people never do that
so sometimes I feel like
what am I doing here
during this pandemic thing?
So much of the time now I feel so tired from nothing
I bury myself in videogames
movies
music tv
and when that doesn't work I turn to my artsy stuff
yet theres this pain that I'm used to (Thanks Depeche Mode)
It won't fully go away
Its like being lonely
but wondering are folks like me supposed to feel this shit?
I thought I was beyond this shit
and maybe a part of me really is
still the all too human part
wonders
what kind of a life could I possibly have
being completely open and intimate with another.
To become what I must be
must I let the human inside fall away
Every now and then I have to ask these questions.
Why do I dream of having cats?
Why do I dream of having dogs?
In my fantasy world I have a whole bunch of animal companions
There are some kids around too
and people love and respect me.
Then there are the dark fantasies
where I am persecuted
driven away
attacked
then the inevitable tragedy happens and I swoop down to save the day
only to retreat back into the mystery mountains because
"You may look like one of them but you are not" (Thank you Superman)
Sure I do wish the mother ship had waited for me
but so often I laugh at the irony that is my life.

False god

Let you in on one of my projects
beautiful smile
beautiful body
sharp mind
and some would have said
imperfect with all those imperfections.
Dark chocolate
tragically flawed
but I saw in you a godliness
a kindred spirit
and you represented something heavenly
even if
some of the things you believed in were
hypocritical
but hey
you are one of those people
who has to believe in something
(thats what you said)
I thought you would have made a good brother
almost overlooking the fact I already have one of those.

Was I wrong to let you in so much?
Bought you a game console
(which you seem to have abandoned/sold or possibly somehow destroyed)
I should have gotten for a family member who really would have appreciated it and gamed with me on it instead of just not even caring.
Trust me I won't make this mistake a second time.
yep it has happened before....
(Did my generosity scare you that much? Come on)
treated you constantly
even though you came over
sometimes with questionable hygiene.
Dude you bit off your nails
left them all over my floor
and I think you broke my clippers.
I tried to love you
in a way that was pure
I actually worshipped you.
But ultimately you proved to be unworthy.
Rejected me
Lost in self
creating these fantasies about who you were
I guess
because I don't think I ever knew the real you
this young powerful
tragically flawed
dark chocolate
representation of something
that maybe you can be one day
when you decide to live in the light you say you follow.
Until then
you are a false god
came in in a trojan horse
stole my worship
made yourself strong
then got the hell out
ran from the congregation that loved you
looking for something better out there.
and I don't think you will ever find it.
I thought some of my nervousness
or weird social awkwardness
was just my insecurities
I think it really was my spidey sense
And the crazy thing is
I never did anything wrong
but you dropped me like I was
the damn black plague or something.

I think you would have treated a serial killer better.
Ima treat you like the cautionary tale you are and keep my distance.
No gonna go to service no more
paying tribute to your undeserving-ness.
You made me lose this religion
and I will never understand why you chose to do it to me.


***********

Am I fancy enough
to wear the fancy clothes
to hang out with the fancy folks
to be invited to fancy outings
in fancy locations
eating fancy foods?
No one has really ever done that before
but last night someone asked me to sit and have lunch with them
and I said no
because I guess I didn't know how to react
after all no one ever really invites me anywhere anymore
I think I have become that guy
who has become
too used to his own company.
You know what I mean.
That weird guy people like to stare at from their cars
from the streets
or parked somewhere
or from
windows
a rooftop nearby
when I'm waiting at the bus stop.
(What are they saying
and why are they bothering to do that?
What makes them do these things
because its not really helping me?)
Or they watch me from tinted windows
sometimes even snapping a photo or two.
I swear sometimes I think theres an unseen struggle
to turn me into a social misfit
even while I struggle to get clear.
You know what I mean.
I don't wannt keep feeling less than
and I don't want to give up on the human race
becoming that guy up on the hill
in that old house
with a bunch of cats/dogs
just because I have seen so much nastiness out here.
Nastiness both from the physical and spiritual realms.
I swear I will never completely understand why others waste their time/energy
coming for people just because they don't understand us.
Get yo shit together and stop trying to control MY life will you?
Can you?
I'm starting to think
just maybe they cannot simply leave us alone.
Could be we are
I am
indeed the fancy and it scares the hell out of them
that oneday we/I might realize it.

Bitch stop trying to kill our vibe(s)

*****

I talk too much
My ideas are too out there
I'm weird
People don't understand me
The more I try to get closer the more I get pushed away
ignored
so misunderstood.
Trying to take a stick from my eye
with a log in theirs!
I'm starting to think
I'm happier keeping to myself
keep my energy to myself
Do good but
don't brag about it
keep it on the low.
The dark  avengers of theworld
we don't do things for acceptance
(because we'll never have it anyway)
We just do good because we want the world to be a better kinder place.
Most of the mortals are only mortals because they want to be
So they are in a different mental place than us dark avenger types
Maybe one day they'll arrive at the train station with us
Although not at the same time
I am learning the ancient art of not speaking to the mortals.
They hurt my mind
and it could be dangerous
especially when that anxiety and stress combine
doing a number on my immune system.
Make a brother wanna
visualize some colored shield energy around me
watch some comedies on tv
Spur those white blood cells into action
like I'm tryna spur my body to not need this stupid allergy medicine (sneezing so much dumb neighbors are scared of me)
Allergies and a cold a good combo they do not make!

Maybe Morpheus was right when he said
you can't trust any of them
those still manipulated by the matrix
those who have not learned how to manipulate it.
The path of the dark avengers seems very lonely indeed.

Gotta protect yourself against the toxicity infections
coming off the infected
while tryna be protector-ish
of those toxically infected.

Even among my own supposed people
There's the lashing out of tempers
and stunted/depressed emotions will often lash out
makes the ones you trusted suddenly act out.

How does one relax around those
those who can suddenly turn on him without warning?

I'm constantly being reminded
I need healthier people around me
I'm constantly remembering
all of those ironies of this life.

This is the path of this weirdo.

*****

Let the world deal with me in limited doses
I'm too energetic and animated for most
let them come to me when they want to deal with me
and if I feel inclined
I'll give input.
Mostly keep silent
observe from a distance
put my work out
and some will see it
and some will support it
Most won't understand it
but it'll be enough to pay the bills at least
I hope.
I hope it'll touch a soul
maybe make them into a positive force
a contributor instead of just being a taker.
Sometimes it feels corny saying these things out loud
but this is who I have become.
The person coming to grips with
some will get me
Most won't and I'm learning to be okay with that.
I'm learning
probably most people hate the dark avenger
especially those he/she would love the most
and that is the curse of his /her dark past.
With great power
comes great irony.

******

Once a cynical and jaded asshole
walked into the room
sucked all the joy out the room
told you he wasn't interested in what you liked
laughed at your online posts
belittled your passions
and it hurt so much.
Why did it hurt so much?
Why when you can clearly see
that there is a part of him
deader than any corpse.
Drives past looking straight ahead
seems to have the emotional range
of a tired old queen
tired of the world
bored of the world
fed up with hearing you having joy for anything
its like when they told that Farmer
"We don't shout in this church"
Remember some will punish you for having what they don't.
They'll try to kill you with envy
disguised in hatred.
Then they will say
you were wrong for your sensitivity dark avenger.
You must quickly access those worthy or unworthy of your space.
Those who would slap you down
because you are "too happy" or "having too much fun"
Passion can be scary for those without it
or those who have forgotten its reassuring hugs....

****

Caught in the middle of a lawsuit
Caught in the crosshairs of having caught feelings for the unreciprocrating
(Sometimes I think he knows)
Thankfully mostly those feelings have subsided.
Caught in the webs of a higher up
who seems to be coming for me
or is it "higher ups"?
Dredging up things
things from the past
or any little thing
while not showing any appreciation.
Is it personal and if so
WHY?
Caught in a sea of lies
lies told
lies told to so many
by so many
that at times it feels as if
the entire gay community has turned against me.
I wonder what they would do or say to a real villain
I wonder how would they feel if theyreally knew
how wrong they are about who they think I am.
Sometimes I can't tell friend from enemy
and I'm so tired of having to fight thru so much trauma.
So caught up in surviving
trying to heal
trying to not get caught by
the negativity that seems to keep running
chasing after me.
I'm caught in a struggle
and my rusty-ish sword needs to be repolished and sharpened.
Do I need to go on some epic quest for the golden lotus
in order to reclaim my glow?

I think I'm already caught in an epic struggle....

I walked down the street and folks moved to get away
scared of that virus
acting like you got the damn plague
guess you can't be too careful?
In the store we stand 3-6 feet apart with tape markings on the floor.
Store clerks stand nearby watching
ready to enforce if need be.
At work I have seen folks
CROSS THE STREET
as to not walk near the building.
On the bus nobody wants to sit next to you
but my buddy sat next to me a few times
I guess he doesn't care
we're both security guards and wearing those damn masks anyway
but his co-worker keeps his distance.
He's always done that.
Hey I have that effect on some people
have learned painfully
not everybodys gonna like me
and everybody has enemies
Try as hard as I might
some just never see the good
(or maybe some little birdie whispered in their ear?)
Yeah I know what folks say when I'm not around.
Dude at work saw me
let the elevator close and went
right back upstairs
I always thought there was something with him
so now I know.
(I've no idea what I could have said or done
to be treated like a damn serial killer or defiler of children)
I'm a good person
guess the only person who really needs to know that is me in the end.
I guess those who look in on me from time to time
from the other
they know the real me.
When you look outside
streets are basically empty
everybody wearing masks
and theres a real feeling of gloom
Its heavy
like fog
President is in over his head
everybody blaming china
spreading wild stories of endangered animals being eaten
5G contamination
and secret conspiracies
add to that; so many are out of work
waiting on that stimulous check
and you get nervous when somebody coughs or sneezes
at the bus stop a lady moved from a coughing man who then got on the bus and coughed
I hate wearing the masks
but I got creative like so many others have
My mask makes me look like a ninja
(I dare not wear that one at work)
They gave us a mandatory mask to wear.
They check our temperature now too.
Sometimes it feels lonely
I really need to clean up my place
and I gotta try to cheer up more
Staying focused
at least I am still writing and working on projects
at least I spoke to my family
and I find myself missing them
missing the dangerous African too.
Something strange tried to afflict me
Not sure if it was pneumonia or....?
No cough
No fever
No shortness of breath
Not really
(I do struggle with allergies and sinus shit at times)
But my body fought off something alien.
Bus drivers make all of us wear masks or they don't open the door
and most make you enter thru the back door
and its FREE(!)
Cats big and small are getting sick now from this shit
plus you gotta be careful when you open your mail
spray it with Lysol
and let it sit for a day or two.
Stores are closed
people are out of work
economy tanking
folks saying Trump is crazy
yet he's still in office
(Try and figure that one out)
These are some strange times we're living in for sure
trying to deal with the regular crazy of me
and the world
now its PLUS the new crazy.
The crazy that still at times feel like a dream.

Life in a pandemic

Demand for beds and ventilators is up
masks are starting to get harder to find
and on the street nobody wants to stand or walk near you.
The whole thing feels like a weird dream
but when I get on the bus and the driver only opens the back door
and in the grocery store we stand 6 feet apart
the reality hits me
that this is the new reality.

I found a mask this morning.
Truth be told
I have a cold
one thats breaking
and I took a few days off work last week
where we get our temperatures taken
when we come in to work.
(You see my job is an essential business since we have a shelter)
I have truly been blessed because
so many folks are out of work
businesses are shut down
and the stimulous checks can't get here soon enough
(Even Japan is doing stimulous chekcs now)
Its crazy to say I love it when the streets are clearer
the air is clearer and people are actually coming together
and not so much trying to kill each other
for a chance.

Why does it take things like this to bring us together?
Is the earth fighting back?
I need to laugh more
get my immune system back up
play these videogames and dream about romance
wishing THIS right here was some kind of a dream.
This life in a pandemic.

I look upon you
so often
we talk
sometimes it seems theres something
but its a flicker
not quite enough to light a fire.
I thought about what it would be like
to hold you
and we'd hold each other
making this big old scary world seem
a lot less scary
you know?
(Every so often it seems theres an enuendo from you
or is it me reading too much into something?)
But outside these walls you don't see me
don't call upon me
so its all but a dream

*****

COPY CAT

Copy where I put my lunch
Where I take my lunch
Suddenly decide to listen to music because I'm doing it.
break out the computer like me
and even start going to the store like I do
sometimes buying what I buy.
Its a bit freaky
because I know you don't want to be me.
So many people do this though
making me wonder if they they lack independent thought.
Steal my ideas
watch my every move
shun me yet snatching samples of who I am
steal my crew
steal my concepts
throw them all in a pot and shake them up
but its only your ambitions that fall from the strainer
You like me
but at the same time you wanna kill me.
Perhaps you wish to consume me
just like on Highlander
cut off my head and take all that I am
to make yourself better.
What an unholy marriage we are.

*****
Walking outside
you don't see many people
Some think its the end
the world fighting back against mankind
pollution has definitely slowed
because everybody is inside
giving mother nature the chance to bounce back
since they won't do it voluntarily
she up and said Ima force your ass then.
Everybody wearing these masks
I don't
I trust this crazy immune system the gods gave me
Crime is down
People are actually acting right for a change
helping each other.
Scary as the pandemic seems
its achieving some good
as insane as that is to say.
So far (to my knowledge)  I've not lost anyone
even though my heart aches for those who have.
Some can't even go to work
since so many business are shuttered.
No E3 this year
No comic cons.
Not even sure if the airlines are functioning
whole world gone mad
because its all been shut down.
"Stay your ass home!"
Everybody keeps telling us.
So we do
and all we can do is wait
trying to go on
waiting for that stimulous check
trying not to get so lost in despair
so lost in becoming shop aholics
running back and forth to the store because we're afraid we might run out of things
if tomorrow the supermarkets shutdown for good.
I do like that the streets are almost empty
no one really taking the ubers
and the buses are free
mostly because the drivers want us to stay the hell away from them.
Some folks are protesting
saying they want hazard pay for having to work in this situation.
Places are running out of masks
and hospitals are packed
yet in all this we remember those we rarely "see"
the medics,food folks and law enforcers out there
because unlike most of us
they have always been
….on the front line.