There's always one....

So I went to the restroom for about two and a half minutes at work and I come back to hear someone banging on the door as if they were the police. I opened the door and she (the Y/C client) stormed past me with this look of pure hatred. Its a look I tend to get from some of the kids that live here honestly. I know that it seems to be in for gay men and some women to be edgy, moody and just armed with a nasty attitude. Bitchy. Its one thing about the culture I really don't quite understand. But alot of black folks have an edge too. Particularly those of us who are more Americanized. Its just annoying sometimes because I never did anything for you to be so mean towards me. Folks will tend to lash out at you if you seem happier than they are. I guess.  So this girl storms in past me shooting me the nastiest look ever and the maintenance worker who saw everything told me she'd actually jumped the gate to get inside. Now mind you it is only me working alone some nights and if I need to go to the restroom I have to leave my post momentarily because I'm not a robot. Robots apparently don't need to use the restroom. I know I can never allow myself to get too comfortable working here. Theres always in the back of my mind that some of these kids I am protecting sincerly HATE my guts. Its not just me either. Other security guards have told me about how they are often disrespected here. It does make one feel weird when the people you are trying to help come at you with so much negativity. Security guards get a bad rap at times too. People call us "Snitches". Then theres the stereotype of the fat coffee guzzling donut obsessed moron with no life ambitions. Seriously I wish I could see more positive type kids in real life because I don't have the rosy outlook about them everyone else seems to. I just worry the next generation is in trouble because of how they act and how they think. What kind of role models do they even have?

I went to the grocery store today to get some fried chicken.
I was so surprised
when the security guard was friendly to me.
I mean really friendly.
Like how people used to be
back in the day you know?
It was cool.
someone being friendly to me
even when its another black man
it does take me by surprise.
This guy was African though
so maybe that had alot to do with it???
Its just that sometimes I feel
like other black men hate me.
Then I was just on facebook
and this cool guy from maybe Haiti or Jamaica
(At least I thought he was cool)
sent me a greeting
and tried to video call me.
When I looked he was jerking off and immediately I closed the video window.
This guy is/was someone I respect alot
he's accomplished so much
but now I'm unsure what to do?
Do I block him?
It feels like
like someone forced their penis into my brain
without even asking if I wanted it.
Am I wrong for thinking this way?
Funny thing is I acted out a fantasy
of us earlier this morning.
When I asked him why he sent me such a video
dude claimed it was a mistake meant for someone else.
Riiiiiiiiight.
He's cute.
Kinda like him
but he's a million miles away
plus its unlikely we will ever meet.
I'm not even sure how to feel
because the truth is I have basically given up on
having any kind of love life or sex life.
I suspect I will seem much more attractive
when the dough starts to roll in
but I don't need anyone who needs me for dough.
Just call me the tormented man
here in the land of the beautiful people
water water everywhere
and not a drop to drink
metaphorically speaking
I've not drank anything in over a year.

There was this guy
(I think it was last year)
He's from that show Noahs arc
and he seemed cool
till he hit me up on facebook with unwanted sexual shit.
When I calmly told him I felt uncomfortable with his actions
and confused he would come at me in such a way
dude tried to cheapen me and make me feel
something was wrong with me for rejecting him
then he blocked me.
Ironically some months later I heard he wanted to work with some of my crew
because he'd seen their work with me.

Isn't it such a crazy world we inhabit?

And people tell me I'm the one who's insane.
I am reaching a point where I'm wondering
how insane can I be for living in the truth and daring to speak my mind
when something doesn't feel right.

I'm doubting if I am truly insane
just severely damaged from all this bullshit
folks keep trying to force feed me
because its something they're used to digesting.

(Typed on my Xbox1. Maybe time to invest in a keyboard?)

RUNNING

Been running so long
Running towards the future
Chasing success
Relentlessly pursuing these hopes
As traumatized as my mind is
I never gave up the chase.
My poor old PS4
My trusty XBOX1
Nintendo and all this music
These comics
Movies
And books got me thru the worst of times
Armor the gods gave me to survive
(My art is the sword you know)
So I survived another year
What happens now?
Do I keep running from the past
And the family life I left behind?
Do I keep running
eyes squinting like a numbed maniac
Against the hurricane
In my path
Blazing a road while
The world laughs at me
And calls me a defective fool
For rejecting complacency
Rejecting failure
As I'm sprinting
away from
even the slightest chance
Of a love
Or a tribe to belong to?