Confessions of a sad superhero book 147

Tues and Wednesday I didn't go to work. I have been feeling kinda out of it lately plus I had a slight cold and a headache that lasted for days. So I took two days to recover. I think sometimes my body reaches a point where it needs time to deal with stress or a cold and when I take time off my body is like...okay now we can get sick and feel messed up but when we are on the job gotta stay up. Its weird I know. Still I definitely needed those days. For physical and mental relief. Speaking of mental health my therapist called me Wednesday and I spent around 30 minutes catching her up on everything thats happened since we last spoke which was quite some time ago. Its hard to believe Ashley's baby is almost two now. Time flies. This is great for her though as she has been able to have more time for clients. Ashley wants me to give her a dream journal since I told her about my frequent dreaming. I think I probably dream more than anyone else on this planet. Its funny though that I usually have vivid dreams after intense masturbation. Right at that moment of explosion I often experience this white flash and I just know from past experience a dream or some dreams are coming. No pun intended. (People around here at the workplace are doing plenty of sneezing or coughing. I have noticed most of the time people still cover their mouths with their hands or not at all and I often wonder why folks don't use cough drops or something when they have a cold...) 

Anyway I am supposed to be going on vacation next week yet no one seems to know where the paperwork which I had approved last month is so I'm stressing over that even if I am wondering if I should even take the time off since it looks like I won't be going out of town for the Michigan Comic Con I'd planned for. Lack of finances. I could get my tickets at the last minute as payday is a few days before the event but I dunno. The Dangerous African and i had a talk the other day via Facebook Messenger and I'd really like to go visit him now especially since he basically has an empty nest. Alot of drama has gone down with that man and his kids over the years and let me tell you he is sooo happy to finally be free after having to put some folks out. Flights to North Dakota are kinda pricey though so we'll see how I feel or what happens regarding my time off paperwork. 

-To Be Continued-

Confessions of a sad superhero book 146

I came in to work hours ago with the intent that I'd catch up on all that has happened but its been like this for awhile now. Not sure why I put off certain things that are important to me. Also I don't wanna just come her to write about bad stuff all the time. Sometimes its the really little things or quiet victories as they say... Anyhow a certain co-worker who I have been having issues with didn't show up today. Its possible he called off and nobody told our supervisor. Hopefully thats the case. I mean we have our issues true but I don't wish dude ill will. I just wish he would just change some of his ways. But people are people and you gotta let folks be who they are. He comes in late often and sometimes it is a chore to work with him because he doesn't take this job seriously which worries me because I have seen the bad things that can happen when people get too relaxed working here. Like my stuff getting stolen last year around this time for example. Speaking of getting too relaxed last night after a maintenance worker left a homeless woman walked in before the door shut smelling strongly of piss. She REALLY didn't wanna leave and I had to get up from the desk and use my "Dad Voice" to get her out. Then in the morning on my way home from work I had something funny and bizarre happen to me on my way home in an Uber...

Continued- (To Seal greatest hits on amazon music)

I'd rolled my window down in the back seat to let in air because it smelled a bit weedish in the car and after we'd gone a few blocks I heard this slapping sound coming from my right outside so I turned to look out the window to see what it was all about and this trans prostitute named Coko was standing near a corner in a thong and little else. Standing there making her butt cheeks clap. That was such a freakish situation and the driver just looked straight ahead with an expression that mirrored my thoughts. Insanity and is this real world? I guess it is. I did say thats crazy and he agreed with me with not exactly a laugh. I started thinking what a life this person has and how crazy it has to be to let a doctor cut away your body parts and to have to be out in the streets living like this. People pay you for sex. Some people will actually find this acceptable for a sex partner and how can you survive even with programs to help especially with no medical insurance or whatnot. I keep trying to imagine what dude looked like before he became a dudette and what will he do when they hit 75-80 years of age. The real crazy thing is they probably have had sex more times than I would in several lifetimes. I think about having sex with someone else and it feels like its something that happened a lifetime ago. Seriously. And at times it feels like going forward this is gonna be only something I can fantasize about because maybe some switch in my mind has stifled that part of me which used to be so much more alive. 

Been having some interesting dreams lately. The other day I dreamt of being in a forest with what seemed to be a class of kids (20s at most) and we got spooked because we heard a sound we thought was a bear which made us turn around to leave quickly. I grabbed a stick as others grabbed stones or branches as well in case we had to defend ourselves. I had to help this one young girl who was having trouble keeping up. When we exited the forest we came upon this warehouse or dock near a bridge where one of the kids went to purchase something to smoke from what appeared to be warehouse workers.

The co-worker came in late. Said he was in a motorcycle accident. I asked him if he was okay and he said he was but his friend (he was riding with I guess?) was in the emergency room. I saw no scratches or wounds but whatever. Not my business. He did ask me in a strange way if I wanted to rotate when I returned to the desk from my break. I just said it didn't matter but I was annoyed the way he asked me. He goes something to the effect of "If I ask you a question it can go left with you so I just wanna be clear with my question" So this was kinda douchey because it was in a way bringing up the past which has been rocky to the point I only speak to him on a hello and goodbye or work related only basis. He really should have said would you like to switch? Yes or no? Nothing else was needed to pour salt on something. He also left the gate open as usual. I don't wanna give anymore energy to this because I have so many other things to worry about in my life that matter but it continuously stings having to work with irksome folks. I suppose everybody can relate to that. I guess until I get powerful enough in society and can get to the place where I am not around low vibrating folks I'm gonna have to deal with this type of BS even when I go out of my way to tune people out. I thank the Lord for my music. My videogames and my comic books. My creative works. All those LOTR and Harry Potter marathons. All these things that help keep me from turning into a supervillain...  

Speaking of creative works... I did an episode of my podcast last week. Its actually gonna be edited into two episodes but I was a bit bummed out since my guest did a no call no show which forced me to basically have to wing it with my cameraman. Honestly I would like to redo because I don't feel really good about the whole thing. I dunno. Perhaps when I see what the edits look like I might change my mind. I did have an idea about adding a Lego segment with a co-worker who does Lego model sets all the time for a hobby. He did a Lego Easter Bunny for me for Easter! The podcast is gonna cost me ALOT so I am really not sure if I'll do another one like that with a cameraperson. I really need to learn how to edit my own stuff. Professionally I mean. Theres this guy...Carlos. He's one of my actors from the SOL days. Says he wants to help out and is down for building something even if I can't really afford to pay him. He was actually part of why I canceled some past podcast shoots as I couldn't afford to pay him. Maybe he sensed that? Anyway I do need a co-host for my podcast and I'd love to have a regular one who gets me. Yes I'm a bit leery after what happened with my last co-host. Still the truth is...well it takes a village to raise a production company. Basically. As hard as it can be to deal with other folks I really do need to partner with some like minded individuals. 

To be continued-

Confessions of a sad superhero book 145

 Listening to Cameo greatest hits on Amazon music.

I guess I'm just killing time while a video of some gameplay I did on the weekend uploads to Youtube. First off I was talking to this guy from Uganda earlier about a what I was thinking of doing for my birthday and also about my plans for Comic Con in Detroit then he told me he was planning to go to Detroit around the same time as my birthday for an African concert he already VIP for and got him a room for lodging. I mean its tempting to get out of my comfort zone and do something different you know but I just worry my anxiety might be a problem. Sometimes crowds work my nerves then again when I go to comic conventions its not really an issue. It helps me that I am usually videoing everything so I suppose thats my version of holding a glass of something at a club or a cigarette to help keep my mind occupied. Looking through the lens helps me when I have auditions for actors too. Its a weird little thing to keep the nervousness at bay by not looking directly at a person. I've often wondered if some of these things I deal with can maybe be in some way cured or is it just gonna be me duct taping it forever. Lady Gaga said getting rid of some mental issues would cripple her creative aspects. I dunno. What kind of person would Sergio be without the healthy servings of weirdness?

I ordered some pizza last night using free Domino credit I didn't know I had but I got the wrong kind of crust. The crust was thin and crunchy. I told a co-worker it was like eating crackers with pizza topping on it. Just was craving pizza really hard and lately I find myself often feenin for that garlic crispy pizza I usually order with chicken and green peppers on it. I often joke Dominos puts crack in that pizza but it really is unusual for food to affect me this way. Well unless its 2 am and I smell them making fresh donuts at the donut place nearby. Well it looks like my upload has finished. The video was of me playing Mario Kart on my Wii U over the weekend. Nintendo killed the servers this week so all of us who still were using our Wii U's online features just had to eat it as a feature we've had for like 15 years was stripped away. Its kind of like me selling you a car then 10 years later I just say "Uh no sorry. You can't sit in the back seat anymore" Think about it. This digital age is certainly a double edged sword. More about this subject later...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 144

(To Frankie Beverly Anthology and EWF via Amazon music)

I got a call from my sister Monday. Fatisha. She left a message to let me know she had accidentally called her son by my name and just wanted to call to let me know I was on her mind and to check on me. I was just in the middle of texting to let her know all was well when she called again in response I'm sure to my dropped call as I meant only to text her and not have a phone conversation. Whats wrong with me that keep such a distance from family? I guess I keep a distance from everyone these days. Its always I'll get back in touch or go back around everyone when I'm like rich and famous or something. Theres this feeling of not quite measuring up and wanting to have everything perfect when I decide to show up. Meanwhile everyone is getting older or drifting away. My non-relationship with Joshua should be a perfect lesson to me not to keep myself distant as its a double edged sword. Yes you have certain benefits be staying distant yet you are burning the forest down to save the trees which really makes no sense. Fatisha and I have a psychic thing. I am not sure if she even remembers that time in a supermarket when I looked over in her direction to get her attention then she turned to look directly at me. I can't say that anything is particularly wrong in my life tight now. I mean to say there are definitely things I am worried about but nothing Earth shattering going on at the moment. I gotta get some work done on my teeth and thats always something in my head because of how costly it is for implants. I have really been obsessing with getting my comics done and trying to not be broke in the process. The last few months were kinda crazy because I over extended myself financially and this paycheck here was..well its the first in a while I wasn't in the red. Or is it the black? I was late like a week with rent last month. Two days late this month but next month I will be caught up and I do plan to start paying my rents well in advance for that inevitable day I decide I'm ready to quit here. They do say always put aside alittle something for a rainy day and its true. Sometimes it helps to have two accounts also. One for fun and the other for serious stuff. I actually have several. Not much in either. I always make sure to hold on to a bit of money from my tax return. Then theres my BOA which is for the serious things and a Chase account thats supposed to be for fun yet I keep having to dip into it for you know survival. I have been also accruing a little cash from investments. Nothing to write home about but its nice to know I have money that will keep increasing as long as I keep working and cents just keep trickling into it over time. The things I am interested in are tech and medicine as these fields will always be in demand. I am especially interested in the development of prosthetics (Of course I have The Six Million Dollar Man and Bionic Woman shows to thank for that interest!) Like I said its not alot and I'm being modest yet with more discipline I think I'm gonna be okay. The only problem I am working on is well I have got to start stopping on buying anything thats not a neccesity. Not gonna lie...sometimes it eases stress buying things I like. Sometimes it eases stress getting satisfaction of seeing a project done yet if I'm nearly broke much of the time how is that really healthy for my nerves? My hobbies are comic books and video games. Also I like to travel every now and then. Also I like to eat. Something I may have over indulged in over the last few years as evidenced by the pot belly. Its just that I seem to go back to the words of Eddie my stepdad who says you should spend your money. Enjoy it because you can't take it with you. Of course if I were rich that would be a much more realistic goal right? 

I have this guy on facebook who has been liking much of what I post. He seems to have hinted he likes me in a roundabout way but I'm not sure. I dare not try to pursue anyone right now because I am still so shook from getting past dude at my job who I have not spoken with in a year. Its so weird remembering going out to lunch with this guy and then even going to amusement parks together and now we just act like we don't know each other. To this day I never found out exactly what happened between us. I have speculated reasons. Its very likely there was someone else in the picture and thats why he was so worried about me taking photos or of us being seen together at the park. Maybe I turned him off. Maybe the clutter in my place was the issue. He did offer to help but I just told him I'd work on that by myself even though its become clear I do need someone to help me with that undertaking. Perhaps it was the awkward intimate moment. All I have is well guesses really but it hurt me so much to stay away from someone I was convinced had an element of danger to them. I feel we are not compatible and yet still a year later he does cross my mind often enough to be annoying. Especially when I think back to how upset I got when I realized how stubborn this guy is when it comes to the realms of science. Yeah, he does not believe dinosaurs actually existed. I'm not kidding. Despite our differences I fell pretty hard for a guy I barely knew and everytime I think about how much pain it put me though over the past year it makes me swear I'll never put myself in a position to get hurt again by some fool who will always ultimately reject me for not living up to what they want. Love does hurt. It hurts some of us a hell of a lot more than others. In the end you survive but you're never quite the same because well you lost a part of yourself. The real crazy thing is the other person walking around and going on as if nothing ever happened. The stark reality that YOU don't matter can sting so much. But as Jill Scott said in one of her songs...everything aint for everybody. Something to that effect. But you get the idea. One really bad romantic situation can put the fear of God in you and make you say fuck all that. So yeah this me. Maybe in a few years or decades I'll feel differently but I'm not in a rush to put myself out there again. 

So whats going on in the world these days? The world outside my window. Things that may or may not effect me directly. There has been a growing movement regarding digital preservation especially where games are concerned. Folks are saying the games industry may be heading towards a crash. In some ways I feel these things may lead me to get more involved in this industry I have so much passion towards. Stay tuned. Like 300 something 99 cent stores have closed recently and part of it is because of rising crime. Sometimes its rent. Perhaps thats why my favorite burrito place shut down a few years past.  People in gangs running into stores and snatching stuff or just shoplifting solo is a big issue. Other businesses have had to shutter because of this. So much of the time it can be hard to find baskets to carry your items around in the grocery store since some people are stealing them. When you buy deodorant now its usually in some glass display cases you have to call a clerk to unlock for you. An entire mall in New York is losing tenants due to thievery. Speaking of New York my former home the national guard has to come watch the subways now because of robberies and crazy folks attacking or pushing people into the train tracks. I saw a video on Youtube the other day about a lady who a guy beat up and was about to be raped until a security guard heard her cries and swooped in to save her. The other night when I went to the local donut shop late as I always do some guys fake charged in my direction as I walked up the stairs simply because I'd looked over in their direction. People are literally losing their minds out here and there are times I wish I could just find me an island somewhere to live away from all this madness that seems to keep growing. There was a lady on Twitter who spoke about her daily thoughts of suicide and how she copes by finding something to look forward to even if its just one thing. I felt compelled to offer some encouragement because I know what it feels like when life makes you feel like your back is against the wall. Russia is cracking down on the LGBT community. Theres alot of hate going towards Disney for being too "woke" from folks who simply can't or won't accept diversity because they can't deal with non-white non-straight characters or women (or anyone of a marginalized group for that matter) being the stars of the shows.  Its so bad some of these people will do crazy stuff like review bomb stuff or straight up hack accounts out of malice. So much energy. It takes so much just to survive in this world yet they have it to spare to come for someone else. The LGBT community has already come under fire in Uganda to the point now it is straight up illegal to be gay. Now going back to New York again there has been a steady stream of migrants coming into the city and currently theres no housing for many of these people. There has been a growing number of conflicts with residents and migrants. Even the police have been clashing with some migrant gang types and its all a big mess. I remember years ago when Whoopi Goldberg said sometimes you gotta tune out from stuff going on or it can get overwhelming. Social media and the news sometimes gets to be too much with the negativity so you have to learn how to focus on not just the negative but also the positive. I dunno man...maybe listen to some music, go take in a movie or watch a cute/funny puppy,kitten(?) video sometimes instead of that video you wanna watch of the crazy naked fool chasing people down the street with a butchers knife. 

Work on the SonsofLegend film and my Nerds With Badges podcast has stalled for the moment. Meanwhile I should be getting copies of my other two comics this week. "Gerbilla" and "Gamer Granny" Its been taking so long but they just shipped from Florida (I believe) yesterday. It is my goal to have at least five comics out this year. (I'm on a number 5 kick  these days) So so far its been DragonManx,Gerbilla and Gamer Granny. Sasquatch And The Mythology Sisterhood are on the way and the Sasquatch book will have a back-up Detector Pig story in it. Detector Pig is one of my most popular characters that I used to make little comics of way back when I was a wee lad. That was a real long time ago. It was my dream to make a Detector Pig comic for many moons. Next up is a novel I'm doing about a young gangbanger drug lord who is coming to terms with losing everything even as he makes contact with his Mexican heritage (He's Blatino) On top of that he discovers he has inherited some very dangerous fire powers. See you knew there had to be a supernatural element right? The cover was done this week by the way but no colors have been added yet. I'm probably gonna work on getting my John Henry comic out this year too. That was finished some years ago and is my own unique spin on that story. I wanna go to Detroits Comic Con next month to promote my book but it appears my friend over there I wanted to go hang out with has ghosted me so if I do go I'll be staying in a hotel and doing Uber/Lyft back and forth I guess. Already got the time off approved. Birthday month is fast approaching as well and I wanna do something special. Perhaps I should go see my father as its been some years. Can't just go there when bad stuff happens. Last time I visited was when my sister passed. I do always take my birthday so a trip home to NC sounds like a good idea. I am tempted to go see Captain Liberia yet I've been keeping my distance from dude because I don't wanna get my feelings hurt. I still care for bro but I have to come to terms with a friendship basis connection because he is emotionally unavailable. He is into a certain woman now. Maybe he always was. Whatever. I'm not gonna hold that against him. You can only stay mad at a person for so long before you have to just let it go like Frozen. The annual Halloween trip to Florida is coming up and I wanna do something cool like usual. Last time it was Universal Horror Nights. I think Disney might do it this time around. It would be nice if I could go with my mother and Eddie although that might be over-reaching. I am looking forward to 2025 and what progress it brings. The plan is to quit here around May so getting all my projects done by then and saving as much as possible has become my newest mission in life. Looks like its gonna soon be goodbye to some of those streaming services and no more new games for awhile...!

Confessions of a sad superhero book 143

 -At the Starbucks at the grove again. Just back from seeing the film The American Society Of Magical Negores- 

Also not sitting with my back turned away from everyone this time. Anxiety progress?

Moving on as I hastily place some of my comics in plastic covers to distribute....

Just the other day at work (or rather the other night) my zany co-worker was trippin. This guy will literally walk out the door then immediately call out several areas he supposedly has patrolled even though he just stepped outside. To my knowledge no one ever seems to notice or call him out. First he in a roundabout way accused me of taking his mailed Amazon packages. (He also asked me if I was OCD or something because I always complain about the cord to our company iPhone being on the floor like 98% of the time. He asked another co-worker the same thing I heard one morning) "Do you think you might have accidentally picked up one of my packages?" He asked me that because he'd seen me bringing some boxes over from our other building across the street earlier where I always get my packages delivered. Thats because I have had some things stolen before from my apt building. I was kinda flabbergasted and told him no. That was weird really. I was like "I'm not that old" I mean just to assume I would take your packages...! Then Saturday morning he asked me after coming back to the desk area to listen to music "Uh can't you  watch that upstairs?" (I was watching a Blerd without fear video on Youtube) I was like huh? Then I had to remind him he was supposed to actually be on patrol and he was tripping and that he should ay no to drugs. He somehow managed to get the time mixed up. This is honestly just a few of the numerous events at work that make me question the sanity of folks I work with. 

I can feel this person sitting nearby who has been staring at me since I came in here but I've mangaged to tune them out for the most part. Anyway I'm glad I bought my backpack with two laptops in it since the battery died just now in my Asus Chromebook. (Right now I'm on the Asus Chromebook) The voice inside told me to charge the Chromebook before I left this morning but I didn't listen. Need to be more careful in the future. Its important to me that I get out and give myself a chance to work on social skills as opposed to just sitting at home you know. So maybe every Sunday going forward I should drag myself out to see a movie and then afterwards grab a coffee. To compliment the caramel macchiato I got a lemon pound cake slice and a strawberry lemon pudding bar. Last time it was a lemon poundcake slice with a cheesecake lemon danish. I wore green since I think today is Saint Patricks day. I did miss the first 10 minutes of the movie but I figured I'd get the home video when it releases. Now I'm not so sure. From seeing the trailer the impression was there'd be more action but that wasn't the case. In fact there was no real action. This was a love story. More of what you'd call a dramedy. Pretty light on spectacle or visual effects. This would have been more suited to a release on home video. I'd say lifetime but probably this would perform better on one of the services directed more at us black folks. The story revolved around the adorable Justice Smith who joins up with a secret organization of magically gifted black folks who use their powers to make sure the balance of the world doesn't go out of wack because white folks are unhappy. Justice meets a girl he likes but she just so happens to work for a company he works for and as luck would have it the same girl is his boss at his company. I know what a crazy coincidence right? Also as luck would have it the girl plays a part in Smiths first assignment to help a white person achieve happiness in the world. So of course the rules are that one cannot fall in love with clients yet this ends up happening. This is the only real danger element in the movie. If any of the "magically inclined negroes" break the rules EVERY other magical negro loses their powers. You'd think an organization that has been around for decades would have a failsafe in place in case this type of thing happened. I know...we have to suspend disbelief if we are to enjoy these stories right? (Sigh) My problem with this film was I wish going in that I knew this was more suited for home viweing because I like my theater flicks with big action scenes and some car chases here and there. Also there needs to be some kind of climactic confrontation. Like a super powered battle or a shootout/kung fu showdown. Something. I mean there were times the film dragged with dialogue and I felt it was needless. What was missing? Maybe a shadowy type counter organization that maybe benefits from white folks being unhappy. I mean there was another similar organization but this is going into spoiler territory so I'll stop here. Not a bad movie (and I'm glad to support it) but it needed a bit more seasoning for my taste. I give it a generous 4 out of 10. 

Oh I almost forgot I got blocked on Facebook earlier and the funny thing is I saw it coming. (Time to put on the headphones and the jazz music) Lawd a lady came back to her table saying she thought someone took her laptop and it was pointed out to her by another lady that it was sitting RIGHT there on the table in front of her! Am I indeed an oasis in a desert of incompetency? Okay so back to me being blocked. Like a couple days ago I posted something about a new film that just released based on an old tv show I grew up watching. The show was called "Fall Guy" and featured Lee Majors as a bounty hunter who also was a stunt man too I think. So this new film is loosely based on that concept and its also called Fall Guy and stars Ryan Gosling. Keep in mind I am a big fan of both Ryan Gosling since I first saw him in a movie called "The Believer" where he played a psycho skinhead. I grew up watching Lee Majors in a bunch of stuff but I will always know him as Steve Austin the cybernetically enhanced spy "The Six Million Dollar man!" So yeah one can say I have a soft spot for these guys. (Yes I did love Barbie too and it wasn't just because of all the masculine scented eye candy!) in my Facebook post I went on about how psyched I was to see the Fall Guy movie and then this guy named Lukas (Ironically he was featured in my first webseries SonsofLegend) Lukas was all "They need to stop remaking everything because Hollywood ran out of ideas" He said some other stuff but I can't remember. I just told him I was looking forward to the movie and Ryan Gosling seems to be unstoppable at this point to which Lukas goes "I just watched the trailer and it looks like trash and Ryan is not unstoppable because he didn't win the oscar" I just replied I never said Ryan was unstoppable and what is your point of coming on my post? Is it to convince me I should not like the movie or are you trolling because I like something you don't? Asking for a friend?" So when I got up this morning dude hadn't responded and he was like invisible when I searched for him on Facebook. So yeah I tell you people are losing their damn minds out here. Anyway Ima play some games on my Steam Deck for a minute then its off to the market for groceries and quarters so the laundry can get done. Tomorrow I'm to go to the dentist but I may push it back to next week. Oh yeah in other news I got my new company logo design. The name is Cryptid Cookout Productions!

Confessions of a sad superhero book 142

 ToAlfa Mist -Spotify Playlist-

A co-worker who is being all weird with me these days once asked me why I keep a blog and my answer of course was so that one day in the future someone could read this shit and get an idea of how life was during this time. That is truth but also this is helping me air out stuff so I don't become a super-villain. Most important of all I would like to believe one day someone will read these words and find somethig of use here to help them along my journey. I have been aided by reading others retelling of life experiences and it is important to as they say..."Each one teach one" or "Pay it forward" People have given me things so I need to give others things to help in my own way. What a world it would be if every single person on this planet felt the same way. Think about it.

Had another one of those interesting dreams the other day. I guess they all are interesting. Lee Majors was walking in front of me and my stepdad and I think a cousin I've not seen in many moons was there. I made a comment about back problems and solutions because Lee was walking funny. Lee then tossed me a rock. The next thing I know I am in a house and I think I was talking with some family members. There was a woman but who I'm not sure. Might have been my cousin Heather who I also haven't seen in forever. We were discussing going to see a drive in movie. Don't ask me why I dreamt that. I do recall maybe a few days ago running across who I think is Heathers nephew on Facebook in passing but the subconsciousness is a strange animal. I did use to be very close to Heather and her brothers growing up in North Carolina but we have all grown apart. Sometimes I think its because of the gay thing or maybe we simply don't have use for each other in each others lives anymore. I have fallen out of touch with many relatives. Just trying to make it here in Cali and being lost in my own thoughts so much of the time...I have missed many funerals so I suppose some folks might be mad at me. Its a perplexing feeling knowing you have a family yet at the same time you feel like maybe you really don't. I suppose no family is perfect though and I should count myself lucky to have what I do have. It wasn't/isn't all bad. Really. I do feel guilty at times when I ponder too much on this.

Word Play: POWER

Power. What is it? Do I have it? Everyone has some in some manner but for so long I have been the one answering to others and having to be mindful of incurring wrath if I deviate from some authoritative figure in my life. I think its safe to say its stunted my spiritual growth on some levels. Always feeling below someone and worrying about getting in trouble. It hasn't escaped me that some folks have used their powers on me. Manipulative and vindictive. Spiritually stunted yet in full realization of whatever gifts or tactics they use to get by and then they encounter someone like me who doesn't fully bend to what usually works for them. I am a challenge then to their perception of the world due to whatever limitations they have cuz some folks really never met a true artist or someone who can articulate and it scares them. Makes them act out because of insecurities. I am searching to have more control or power in my life and some who don't understand this drive come for me and I am frustrated at times when others don't want to join up to build something. Power. Like Seal said..."A sky full of people and only some want to fly" Indeed. I'm tired of answering to others and want to see how it feels to be a boss. I will have this. I need it to be free.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 141

 To State of jazz on Spotify (Streaming from the PS5)

Still feel myself gradually coming out of the funk I was in for like the last year. I realize now with all certainty I definitely experienced a nervous breakdown of sorts. Rejection is a powerful thing and it sent me on a spiraling path...spiraling down into some kind of a pit like Bruce Wayne had to climb out of after he was broken. Dude had to do the impossible you know? But it wasn't just that painful rejection by itself that did it. There were so many other things going on and that wacky co-worker actually pointed it out after I explained some of the insane things that have happened during my time at the LGBT center. Well particularly over the last few years we have occupied the new building. I am dealing with some trauma. Then theres the whole Covid thing that changed the world. My sister passing still feels like a bad dream and although I was getting it back together creatively after losing control over one of my dearest creations he came along and knowing/understanding I meant nothing to him well it was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I wasn't ready to date anyone to be fair and I had no business trying to court anyone yet there I was and when you ae not ready for something and you dare to dive in you reap the rewards of failure. So it was a lesson for me. Its strange Captain Liberia says he's basically mad because I don't call him and I sometimes feel like calling more often yet theres resistance because I know his heart belongs to this woman who lives in another country he likely gave his heart to before we even met.So I end up deciding not to bother calling. Then you have Mr. N a man from my past who will from time to time text me out of the blue yet never wants to speak on the phone and often takes hours if not days to respond when I do reply to him. Honestly I suspect something is off with this guy. For all I know he's not even who he says he is. Could be someone else using his phone for all I know right? You damn straight I'm suspicious because I know full well the games these humans play and ain't nobody got time for that. Its foolishness. There was a cool Nigerian guy doing Whatsapp with me almost daily but mostly I think he might he been trying to scam his way into my heart on some level but he was also kinda controlling so theres that too. Now when I look at guys and their perfect photos on tik tok and instagram I swear all I see is someone who probably wouldn't even look at me on the street if they walked by. Theres this feeling of not measuring up. Of not being on that level. The inner voice says to me "Stay in your lane boy because you lack the body and the education and you know you have all these problems you need to fix before you can even start thinking about this relationship dynamic. Also nobody is gonna date you since you don't drive. Well maybe when you're all rich and successful then you might have a chance but how much time do you really have to give to all those things that really matter? So this in effect is mostly the totality of my trauma. I feel like I'm maybe biding my time to grow my butterfly wings whilst I work on getting my shit together and then just maybe one day when the spirit moves me I won't think dating and relationships are "just those things that other people do" Until then then welcome I guess to my new normal. "I work at pleasing me because I can't please you and thats why I do what I do" Thus sayeth Erykah Badu and if she says it then it must be true... It is my truth. Stifle my feelings. Suppress my sexuality. (Hey at least I can fantasize right but even that feels wrong at times) Hide away from the world. Put out these stories then. Do these films. Make the cartoons and one day I'm sure there will be a videogame and possibly a clothing line. Gotta lay low and focus on the things that make me feel good and take care of business. You know they do say no one is coming to save you and I need to make sure my future me doesn't hate the present me. Yeah I realize some may write me off and even try to mess with me but I have to keep my eyes on the prize because that is your God given life raft. Don't give these buffoons your time. If it don't make dollars it don't make sense is the perfect way to put things in perspective...

Went to the movies over my long weekend. (Took Monday off) What did I see? Oh it was my life story. Kung Fu Panda 4. I've always loved those films and Jack Black can do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. It was funny enough and they even managed to squeeze in some important life lesson wisdom stuff. Something about not staying stagnant in life and then being willing to pass your knowledge and wisdom on to the next generation. In other words enjoy your time in the limelight and then graciously pave the way for those who will come after to get their own time to pave the way. Yadda yadda. Needless to say I enjoyed the movie. Afterwards, feeling anxiety kicking in I walked over to the Starbucks to get some coffee (caramel macchiatto) along with these lemon cake thingies. One was a pound cake and the other was a danish. Please forgive the occasional grammar or punctuation error but my grammarly is offline. Anyway I sat down in the shop as they still haven't re-opened the outdoor patio they have. I browsed the web via Wi-Fi on my phone then read a comic on my mini kindle. I took out my Rog Asus Ally and played Banishers on it for about 45 min (which is about all the batttery life you're gonna get unplugged.😸) A young white guy came over "Excuse me but I hope you don't mind me asking what is that?" So I broke it all down to him about the Asus console and how PC consoles have taken off over the last few years and gave him a brief breakdown about my device. It was a cool little interaction and I noticed other people looking over seemingly surprised two other people were actually connecting with each other. I wish I'd noticed that music was playing rather loudly from my little mp3 player in my little green messenger bag. I mean I did later realize it but the whole time I was tripping because I was thinking "Damn somebody up in here got some good taste because they listening to my whole playlist!" 

Still it was good to get out and do something and I keep feeling the call of the wild pulling me telling me that my time working at the LGBT center is drawing to a close. As much as blessing as that place has been to me I've stayed there long enough and I feel like I'm squashing the true me the longer I keep working there. Definitely got some much needed life teachings but its becoming clearer I don't really belong there anymore. I actually spoke to a rep for a course that helps people looking to get into writing for video games today. It felt good to do that and this is a natural progression for me. When she asked about my writing aspirations and things I have done I told her all about my recent comic book release and work in film over the years. Strange that only now do I feel really feel like I have the right creative ammunition to approach those who are actually in a position to help me. Nevermind the gatekeepers because they be out here man. I feel like I can stand on stage with talent because I have something to bring to the table. Just gotta refine my skills and get a bit of formal training. This means mingling with other folks which can be a challenge but life finds a way right? I need to find an effective way to market and promote my comic book now that it is actually done and I have physical copies in my hand. I did give away some at work to help promote it and a few people bought some copies via the kickstarter campaign. Speaking of crowdfunding I need to start leaning more into tapping into this as a medium for getting stuff done as the whole being basically broke between paychecks thing is getting old. I had to push back filming my podcast due to lack of funds and then seemingly out of nowhere all these other financial obligations just ganged up on me. I need to get dental work done. Gotta get glasses and start looking into storage options for some of this stuff cluttering up my place. No rest for the weary indeed but at least I am learning that sometimes it is good to just do without something or wait for a sale if you want it that bad. Its not always easy but one must also learn the importance of keeping money in the bank for a rainy day. One should also learn how to invest in stock. Even if its just alittle bit. That little side hustle can save your ass...

So whats going on in the world. The videogame market might be heading towards a crash. The digital only age which seemed like a good thing initially has now started getting folks worried about losing their content as companies are delisting stuff. Trump seems to be poised for another shot at the presidency and his people are threatening violence if he loses. It has been pretty cold over here in Cali and the homeless issue is becoming even more of a problem here as more and more folks flock here and live in tents on the streets or rather the sidewalks. Desantis dropped out of his run for President but now he's back making crazy changes in Florida although his war with Disney seems ot have ceased. I think Disney might still be suing but I'm not sure as this isn't making headlines these days. Thankfully some time has gone by with no news of a mass shooting but more and more business owners are fighting back against crime by arming themselves. Meanwhile I can't buy deodorant at the supermarket anymore without having to summon a clerk to unlock the glass case they keep the deodorant behind. Also people steal the little baskets you carry things around in while shopping so most of the time at the market I am haphazardly balancing things in a stack in my arms whilst navigating thru the aisles to get groceries. Yes there have been some "accidents" Also about the market...I hate going because the stupid alarms keep going off when I leave. At first I thought maybe someone was messing with me but it seems to be the magnetic crap on either my buspass or work door badge. I just have to make sure when I go for gorceries or quarters to make sure my pockets are empty so the security guards won't be watching me side eyed or DL following me around in the store. There was some awards show this weekend. Oscars I think. Seems Godzilla for the first time might hve gotten a nom or won. Its weird how we would all flock to watch these award ceremonies on tv but nowadays one gets the impression most folks don't care. I tune in to watch the news or half time shows as far as live tv goes and thats about it although I try to check out stuff on the retro stations from time to time. I did a little Gilligans Isle marathon last month. Surprised noone has bothered to remake that. Give em time...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 140

The last few weeks have been soooo surreal. I say that because my comic books have officially gone out into the wild. Its a wonderful feeling seeing my creation in physical form. Thanks to the success of the Kickstarter campaign I was able to get DragonManx #1 published and now I have physical copies I can sell. Of course, I also have digital digital distribution. (A guy just walked up asking for an ambulance and I told him there's nothing I can do as we are not supposed to get involved with anything that happens off the property. Also, he seemed fine aside from a small scar on his forehead. Dude was in a grey short-sleeved shirt. Brown-skinned and mid-20s at most. Handsome but something felt "off" and I noticed after he left here he walked past some people waiting for the bus across the street after approaching a man for something. I do feel bad for not opening the door to speak with him but here we have to be careful...) Back to my comic...To be frank I was surprised they gave me the okay to put some copies of my comic out here for people to take because before in the past I was not allowed to promote stuff or even promote my kickstarter campaign. This really hurt as my comic is about a black lgbt character and I just thought I would be able to get support which certainly would have helped the kickstarter campaign out but whatever. (That guy came back and he's knocking on the door again but my supervisor told me I did the right thing by not getting involved...) I still have a bunch of other books to get out since I've been working on stuff these past few years. Gerbilla. John Henry. Gamer Granny. Tohm the mouse and Harrold. Detector Pig. Sasquatch And The Mythology Sisterhood. SonsOfLegend. Sins Of Legend. Paul Bunyan. In addition to the Sasquatch cartoon and the soft reboot of live action SonsofLegend and a new manga-style comic plus a new Zorro concept and my podcast revival. Theres other stuff too I probably forgot about lurking. Its encouraging to know crowdfunding can help me get things done as opposed to dealing with investors who might try to mess around with the creation process. Ask me how I know about THAT. 

Like a week ago I  took the train out to Long Beach. This is something I usually do when I have a lot on my mind. A nice (used to be) peaceful train ride then a stroll along the beach then afterwards maybe get a bite to eat at one of the restaurants over there by the water. At least that was my plan. I was sitting there listening to Jamiroquai when these two guys got into it and one dude punched the shit out of an older gentleman. Knocking his glasses off and splattering blood everywhere. Ask me again why I dread taking public transportation. Thing is to get to Long Beach you gotta ride the train through Compton and some other areas where you have ghetto folks who don't know how to act. I've encountered drunks. People smoking. Folks blasting LOUD rap music. Also some people with serious mental issues doing crazy stuff. This whole incident here though was a reminder that I need to seriously start thinking about leaving Cali cuz its getting kinda crazy here with people losing their minds and crime becoming more common. I am not a big fan of cops because of my traumatic experience years ago where some ordered me out of a car at gunpoint in Weho because I looked like someone who robbed a store nearby allegedly. Still its becoming more and more apparent we need more of them on these streets. 

Oh yeah, I have been dreaming more frequently these days. Just yesterday I dreamt about someone using TK to push this trash bin thingie. The big metal green ones you see outside. My mind is starting to heal in some capacity from all the stuff that I've been through these past 3-4 years. Been getting better at saving money. Better at making decisions too. Still need to get dental work done. Still need to get a new passport so I can start traveling again. Seems theres always something that needs to be done. I guess. I think maybe my therapist has given up on me because we've not been able to connect for a session. It has alot to do with my sleep schedule but also she is a new mom so theres that. I think I'm doing okay. Its interesting that after having to get over Mr. Ninja I came to make peace with the prospect of being single for the rest of my life. Its easier to walk away from wanting a relationship after a painful rejection (or in my case multiple rejections). I kid not when I say I went through the wringer and had to rediscover my own self worth again then in the end I came to understand its really for my own good I stay single because these fellas be trippin and...well I have to get back to chasing the dreams and relationships that have real importance/tangibility in my life. Definitely been neglecting some things in my life and it makes me sad sometimes when I think about how much time I have wasted on the wrong people you know? We need to treasure especially the time we have left with certain family members as they get on in the years. So all this is to say I'm feeling alot better these days and for the first time in along time I truly believe I'm going to be alright. No matter how crazy things get in this world. Just have to keep my eyes on the prize as they say. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 139

 I just got chewed out by one of my supervisors because apparently I offended one of my co-workers. She's a relatively new guard and I swear since day one she has had this weird animosity towards me as if she were somehow compromised because of something someone said either that or I just happen to remind her of someone who burned down her village or something. In some ways she reminds me of the mother of one of my sisters. Someone who never liked me from the get go or my mother for that matter but anyway... Things have been kinda weird with me and another co-worker who has been micro-managing me for coming back from my breaks sometimes a few minutes late but this person does things that I don't complain about because I just have too many other things on my mind to care. All I will say is he is VERY lucky there aren't video cameras on every floor. But anyway I suspect he may have said something to this other guard because this morning she gave me this look when I came to the desk to turn in my keys and walkie so I joked that she had a look of terror on her face. Like maybe she saw someone in the courtyard. She goes "Why would you say something like that?"and I told her I was just joking. I tried to lighten the mood by asking her if she heard anything about the missing key and she was like I guess you are talking to (the other guard who was there who she'd been speaking with until I came to the desk who is the same guard who I am not really speaking with these days) because I have a look of terror on my face. I just walked away awkwardly and came back upstairs to play some games on my computer. Moments later my supervisor came up to talk to me and I knew something was up. She told me when I see people just say good morning or good night and keep it moving. This was the same pep talk I'd given myself on the elevator ride upstairs moments earlier. I observe people and their behavior and the more I do the more I realize in alot of ways I may be more mentally well rounded than I give myself credit for. We all have our buttons and sure sometimes there are bad days and things might be said we regret and I also understand even though I do not do this folks vent by taking their stress out on others especially when you might appear to be happy (even if in reality you are walking on a thin line and barely keeping it together cuz you dealing with your own life drama) I observe people watching me. I observe people pointing out my flaws and picking at me to draw out negative reactions. I observe people imitating my actions and even at times competing with me for attention from others. I'm not perfect but damn is it irritating knowing in so many ways you are more mature than many who come in your presence. I thank the gods I have outlets and hobbies along with goals to work towards because I probably would have jumped off a building or something many moons ago having to navigate through this world while dealing with so much BS from people. Not all people. Just SOME who seem to exist only to work my nerves.

(Update: I just found out I am not the only person having trouble with that other guard. So I can rest easy knowing it isn't just me)

So on Monday I'm supposed to be filming a new episode of Nerds With Badges. Its been awhile and I gotta say I am a bit on the fence because its gonna cost me $400 to have someone film and edit it. Also I'm paying my guest who is a co-worker. I don't wanna keep pushing the filming date back either because I have already done that once. Also I just paid $350 to get copies of my DragonManx comic printed. Then I had to pay the animator of my Sasquatch cartoon $200 and also a couple of artists working on designs for two new characters. These are African characters who I will create a manga around! Rent is due in like a week and I just had money come out my account for my dental insurance. There's also the fact I HAVE to get storage sooner than later. All this to say as the saying goes..its always something. I had to get bailed out last month by a good friend but I am gonna have to make some serious cutbacks so finances won't be stressing me out as much as they do...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 138

 Ugh. I was on vacation last week and got a call from my job saying they had broken into my locker to investigate a "strange" smell. The smell was actually a small tea bag sized insect repellant thingie. They took all my stuff out. I had to retrieve my laptop, Logitech G Cloud console, security cap and backpack that was inside from my boss. But if they did that why did they leave my non-perishable and packaged food (lunch stuff) out in the open in a small box with a note on it instead of also leaving that with my boss? Yeah, I was and still am pissed. 

Been having some interesting dreams lately. Seems I dreamt a certain person on the job who I caught feelings for (but got dropped like a hot potato) spoke to me and it was like old times when we were actually talking to each other instead of pretending the other person doesn't exist. Also, I had a weird dream about seeing a ghostlike Middle Eastern man standing in the hallway. Something about this person seemed kinda familiar I think. They were tall and carried a cane. Seemed dressed in some sort of robe as well. There were other dreams too. Mostly vague I'm afraid but my dad and a dog featured in some. 

Can't say my vacation was not productive as I managed to get out to Universal Citywalk with an old friend for lunch and create a new character and or concepts. Since its time for me to go home now I will return with more details.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 137

 So yesterday I learned a lesson in patience at work from a lady who works in another department. Lets just call her "M". I have a particular co-worker who has been working my nerves these past few months. Sometimes he seems cool but mostly I am convinced he is insane or possibly being influenced perhaps by demonic entities. Alot of the time I will just be sitting at the desk chilling enjoying life and here he comes usually saying or doing something that rattles my nerves. Dude will see me and then his eyes will fix on me taking on every little detail and I swear other people have noticed he will notice and point out things. He watches me like a hawk often and sometimes he will copy things that I do. Also he's extremely nosey to the point he will try to look at what I am doing if I am doing something on the computer. I have also observed him listening in on my phone conversations. Now I do not hate dude because sometimes he's cool and like another annoying co-worker I ended up blocking on social media we can have wonderful conversations but then there are times he does things that make me question if he had any home training. Like last night I had some snacks sitting up on the desk and he just walks over like he always does and goes "Oh for me" or he'll say something like "Why did you steal my (whatever I am eating) He saw a vendor give me a danish one night and then he started asking for danishes I kid you not. Now the vendor doesn't give me danishes like he used to. So anyway last night I basically went off on him because the way I was raised you don't just walk over and start putting your hands on other folks stuff especially since I don't know where your hands have been. So he acted all offended and later when I asked "M" for advice after telling her what happened she gave me some good yet amusing advice. She told me that I need to use my "white voice" in certain situations especially considering where I am. She said as a black woman she often has to be careful when situations arise becuae even though she might be in the right because she is a black woman she in certain environments has to conduct herself a certain way. She also pointed out you can have boundaries but its all about the delivery and the energy you bring. I just thought it was really cool how she was able to give me some wisdom and later I did apologize to dude and better articulate I just do not like folks putting they hands on my shit unless I give the okay. No I did not say it that way.

I am on vacation the next few days and let me tell you I need it. My spirit needs it. Been really thinking alot about looking for another job. Been seeing how crazy the world is getting with all the escalating crime and shootings too. There was another shooting just the other day after a ball game. 21 people shot and 11 kids. One woman died and good samaritans managed to tackle one of the shooters. I swear sometimes the world seems so insane that I don't even wanna leave my house. Then on top of that you're still expected to deal with your own trauma while going back and forth to work. I think now I kinda understand why so many folks abandon their dreams because we get caught up simply maintaning survival. Valentines Day came and went by without so much as a phone call from Captain Liberia which is another reminder this man I constantly think about cares very little for me. Yeah I guess I could have called him but he's married to a woman and likely has other people on the side. Yes I'm idealistic but not stupid. Theres a cute African guy in Nigeria who claims he wants something with me but even if he sounds convincing at times its hard for me to trust him because of bad experiences with folks overseas trying to scam my mind. Also yeah he's like a million miles away. I'm sitting here listening to state of jazz on spotify and trying not to beat myself up over how much better I wish my life could be and how I need to fix certain things. This is usually all it takes for me to break out of the whole woe is me and wishing I had someone. Well that and memories of how badly things turned out when I chased that dream. But I have learned that some of these guys will actually hate you for daring to chase them. The film is coming along. Post-production of course. I just got the cover done for an upcoming SonsofLegend comic and the cartoon is still being worked on. My podcast will return later this month plus I'll soon have physical copies of DragonManx #1 to sell. Still doing my mostly daily uploads of my videogameplay on Youtube and just his week I created a brand new character, A female character of African descent who has to use supernatural powers to battle her evil twin brother. So I guess it coud be said I am not without a lover. Seems I have many lovers in my life who can supply me what I need. It feels funny to say that or even ironic I can find so much happiness in art, creating or even in fantasy realms. Maybe the right man for me then is the one I can draw and write about. More irony? Anyway its time for some gaming or bingeing. I need to call my family to check up on them this week instead of constantly putting it off. I need to also decide if I'm going to visit an amusement park this week or weekend because God knows I need to pinch my pennies. I did mention I was thinking of quitting the LGBT center right? Yeah it is definitely getting close to that time. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 136

Sometimes I'm pretty brutal with myself when it comes to my mental health. Like I know I have issues and I get mad at myself until I realize...well I realize the more I examine things the more it makes sense I do have issues and I become aware of the miracle I'm still surviving despite what others might feel or think about me. I mean just now I witnessed a truck of people park behind a food establishment and then a girl got out screaming whilst she pulled down her pants and peed right there in the parking lot as someone opened a vehicle door to try and sorta conceal the girl I guess. Its all more of the stupid and just downright nasty behavior that I see working in this area. So much of the nasty shit I see people doing these days is from trans women or regular women for the record.  Back in the day it was men and that was when there were literally clubs next door to the property. Then there's this senior person who lives onsite whom I see frequently sitting watching tv in their living room area making loud noises like a horse as he's viewing the tv and nope there are no horses anywhere in sight on whatever program he's watching. Then there's one of my co-workers who I am convinced is certified psycho. The other night I asked him about why he always leaves the cord to our cellphone on the floor and he was all incredulous about it and tried to deflect it as if I'm crazy for asking why it happens since I'm always the one who picks it up. Hell one co-worker used to put his entire gym bag inside the fridge in the kitchen. He stopped though. Maybe someone said something? I just thought that was out there. Anyway the same dude who put the cord on the floor asked me tonight just out of the blue if I had OSD or OCD or whatever and if I always wants things neat. Maybe this was because of the cord and the fact our supervisor wrapped it in tape and stuck it on the desk so it would stay off the floor. Perhaps he thought it was me that did that? Dude often doesn't respond on the radio when I call out during my patrols of the areas I have secured. Sometimes he goes long periods of time without calling out on patrol or he call out patrol of areas I can clearly see he hasn't gone to yet. Also, he constantly leaves the parking gate unlocked which is a big problem especially since my stuff got stolen last year when someone casually strolled inside here. I'll be having a conversation with a co-worker and he will just invite himself in and then theres a tendency to copy things I do which I have noticed other folks do at times. Not really sure what thats all about. I take a day off. You take a day off. I come to work early and use the conference room for podcast taping and you try and do the same thing. You see a vendor give me a donut and you want the same thing. Now dude doesn't give me donuts as often. He will sometimes micromanage me too like if I come back from patrol he will stall at the desk before rotation but when he comes back (often ahead of time) he will be insistent on taking the desk right away even if he can clearly see I am in the middle of something. Other guards I worked with would do the same thing. Sometimes I forget something and have to run back up after i come back to rotate. They do the same thing. I have even caught one guard adjusting his schedule after he saw me booking flights for a vacation. Cord dude even stood nonchalantly over my shoulder reading what I was writing in my blog one night. Now I'm not a nosey person and really try to stay out of folks business but I wonder why am I like I am and some others are so damn nosey. Its true we all learn from observing others but some take it too far. It just feels like people are stealing something from me while at the same time they just treat me some kind of way. Why do I have such weird relations with people? In some cases maybe its on me but I refuse to take the blame completely. People are just a trip is my takeaway from all this. I have said this before that it can be difficult to heal your person from toxicity when you are constantly around it. Ask me again why people get on my nerves so much of the time. I try to be patient but sometimes it really is best to simply stay to yourself and speak only when spoken to. I know everyone has certain ways and have seen other guards have issues with each other but man do I keep getting paired with some characters. I can't even imagine what folks might be saying about me and I have been accused of trying to be "the ideal worker" yet the truth of the mater is I do appreciate the job/benefits I have even if its not perfect and I believe its too dangerous to let ourselves get too relaxed working in this facility. Also its not hard for me to think about how miserable I was when I was broke and jobless...

A few people have said I am addicted to ordering stuff from Amazon. This is probably true to a degree but one reason I like to shop online is because of anxiety. Sometimes when I go to the supermarket those stupid anti-theft alarms go off and I figured it was likely because of my bus pass or the electronic card we use to scan doors open at work yet I've become so self-conscious about going to the market and security watching me suspiciously it has become a real battle of willpower for me to even go to pick up a few things so yeah with Amazon I don't have to deal with that. 

So I got work started on the cover for the 1st issue of SonsOfLegend which will be largely the material our short film will be based on. I mean some stuff will be in the film but obviously, as the series goes on there will be some changes. I just think I can get away with more crazy stuff and elaborate action scenes than I could in live action. The comics from the Kickstarter campaign are getting printed and I asked how much it would cost me personally to print out some and the cost was surprisingly reasonable. Also Nerds With Badges will start back filming next month when I take a short vacation. Actually have everyone lined up or scheduled who will be in the new episode. So the elephant in the room is when will I start with getting apparel done as some folks have expressed interest in the hats or shirts. As for the cartoon we are still struggling to get storyboards done. To say I'm frustrated is an understatement but I may have someone. Not sure if I mentioned this before. Its a lady but I had to put here on pause because I needed more time to raise the money to pay her. Because I just can't do the whole being BROKE until the next paycheck thing anymore. Its good to pour money into projects and the occasional luxury item purchase but money management is one of the most important things in life to learn. I'm getting better at it too. After Feb I will be pausing on buying anything that isn't a necessity. At least I'll have my tax return to help me out though especially since my apartment will be getting a serious overhaul next month... Its time. Tired of looking at...chaos. 

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 Book of Dreams: Jan 2024 Edition.

In some of these the details are sparce because I either got up and quickly jotted down stuff at the moment or later as it was fading (or perhaps I was just half asleep...)

As you can see (below) my mind has been working overtime lately for some reason.

1.24.2024

Me, my cousins Juny and Johnzilla were being held hostage by a homicidal family of white brothers. They had guns on us and everyone was frozen in place. I couldn't take it anymore so I bolted and ran. My cousins then started to fight back taking advantage of the distraction. I ran outside to hide under what looked to be a wire frame for a mattress(?) I was seen laying there and hiding by one of the brothers. He was laughing at me. Juny jumped him at that moment then I ran. I looked back to see he was fighting Juny but I wasn't sure who was winning but fearing for the worst. I ran to a house after climbing a fence in what was now a snow covered landscape.  A white family took pity on me. They were all very well dressed. I think I overheard one of them say how much they hated the family after me. I was near a door talking with this guy who stood guard at the house entrance with a rifle. We saw one of the brothers run by the window and dude signaled for me to go. When I found a black dark skinned woman maid in a kitchen area (I think) and asked for help calling the police she started going on saying something about my skin being lite bright. 

1.23.2024

I was in a car with a brother then afterwards driving a car next to him. He was in a red car. Seemed sorta annoyed I was driving (his car?) because he was kinda shaking his head and covering his face. Also I was painstakingly preparing to go to school. Not sure how I'd fare in class and just dreading being in the building. The car looked familiar.

1.21.2024

Me and Lymonicus met a cute guy at some super market and he was leaving with us. I was driving my own car but reluctant to drive back from where we were. In the dream I recalled how nervous I was when Brianopolis made me drive all the way back from Venice. 😭

1.15.2024

Was listening to a live Teena Marie concert and she was talking to a little girl. The audience laughed during certain parts.

1.14.2024

Makes a candy covered apple in some kind of fryer.

1.13.2024

Was in a car riding as an earthquake happened. It was pretty intense.  Not a small one at all.

1.12.2024

Was spending some time with my sister Fatisha.

1.10.2024

Intense flying dream and I woke up in the dream levitating over a table with a bunch of wine bottles on it. I carefully concentrated then came down in a somewhat controlled yet a bit of a clumsy fashion. Knocked over a few bottles but I didn't fall completely on the table. More in a kinda propped up fashion.

1.8.2024

Was riding on a bus? There were other people and I was talking about how much I miss how simple life used to be as we went through my Grandma Mary's neighborhood.

1.7.2024

Was in this spacious state of the art house after buying junk food from a store. Candy and a cookie. The house belonged to Orange Dre and his mother Roqamae. I was worried about settling off alarms when I opened the door which was unlocked. I wanted to do a video for social media but was worried it might entice some thieves to try to break in after they saw how dope the place was.

1.7.2024

A brown skinned brother with a slim athletic build and low hair cut was on me and doing these sexual gyrating movements.

1.5.2024

Steven Smith was in this dream and I dropped/lost a coin in water.

1.2.2024

Dancing like Michael Jackson and dressed like him with high water pants and Ali (former guard) was there.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 134

 I was able to binge watch and finish a show I've been following faithfully over the years called "Legacies". The show revolves around Hope a young woman with vampire /werewolf/witch lineage who is attending a school for young folks with supernatural abilities. Of course, this situation results in many crazy and dangerous (sometimes funny) adventures. As the show neared its finale Hope unlocked her full potential but the trauma of that experience caused her to "switch off" her humanity. This basically turned her into a Dark Phoenix type individual. For all intents and purposes a godlike being with nary a moral code in place to temper her interaction with others. I think on some level my own "switch" activated when I faced trauma from things in my life. Losing a sister. Losing an aunt. Drama at work. Covid. Problems with projects. Money issues. The brother who has disappeared from my life...all of these things and more and then came the biggie...or the proverbial straw...losing the connection I had with a certain person at my job who I really was in love with but it was what is commonly called unrequited. Or as they say "He just wasn't that into you" I realize I made a mistake that fateful day when I invited dude into my place. It never should have gone to that. So yeah I take responsibility for all that happened between us. I take responsibility for choosing to not speak to him anymore because of the realization there would be no future with me and this man. Probably could have been weekend lovers but it just messes with me knowing the person I'm with would rather have me as "the side chick". Ain't nobody got time for that. Well maybe some of ya'll do but...thats kinda nasty when you really think about it. Sometimes in life you have to walk away from a situation because you see that train coming. Sometimes as Aretha put it...it hurts like hell. So sometimes it can be the hardest thing in the world to do what is right. 

As time goes by I find myself coming back to myself gradually. Dreaming more. (Often of home and family. Visiting the old neighborhoods) Thinking more on things important to me. Family. Friends. The time we have left on this plane together. Plans of travel. Better focus on finances and careful planning for diet/health stuff. Splurging (within reason!) Speaking of splurging I was able to get a 43-inch 4K tv as a holiday gift to myself.  The next big thing I wanna get is a 4K disc player. After that the luxury purchases are gonna come to a screeching halt because I gotta figure out whats what with me getting some storage. Not gonna rely too much on crowdfunding for projects so money has to be set aside for productions. So when I made the decision to not date for like forever that was me turning off my "humanity switch" as a survival mechanism for sure and it was extreme yet the irony is I do need to take myself out of circulation for awhile because I'm not ready to be seeing anyone. I think its safe to say I need to disappear myself at least for the rest of 2024 and work on all the things important to me. Things that make me happy. Yeah I do think of sex and I can fantasize with "self interaction" but the desire to even be with anyone...well it feels...these things are taking energy away from other things that mean more in the grand scheme of my life. Not gonna lie. There are times it feels a poison has spread thru my body because of chemical changes and its reminding me to take better care of my body. Help my body process this shit you know? I said all that to say its time for me to get my ass in a gym or something. Where do the harmful toxins go when they're not being released? Nowhere. They just stay inside YOU. Also moving out of the US...well that inclination has become a thing...again. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 133

 The New Year is here and its already feeling newer no pun intended. In some ways things are still the same though. People are still fighting and killing each other and I think we waste time on so many things while giving little attention to the things that really matter the most. Earlier in the day I was on Instagram and clicked on one of those videos with a warning about how the content was disturbing and I saw two men fighting and one of the men fell right off the train platform into the path of an oncoming train. Dude never had a chance. How many people die needlessly every five minutes and even witnessing something like that have we become numb to this? Sometimes I feel that my brain is trying to process so much at any given time its no wonder I've been finding myself feeling just...exhausted so much of the time. I get up...I go to work and then I'm right back at home again. I try to squeeze in time to do the things I really enjoy you know...watching tv, playing some games and then you gotta eat, shower, buy groceries. Try to squeeze in time to do the laundry. Squeeze in the time to call some peeps. Do some business. And we have just two days to recover from it all then we're right back into the routine. I had an interesting talk with an Uber driver tonight about how in his country (Iran) 40+ years ago their president wanted to give people four-day work weeks and the US played a big role in that not happening. We talked about the big homeless problem here in LA and how money and resources are being funneled elsewhere while here...we have so many problems to fix. We talked about all the rich and powerful Jews and Persian Jewish who own so much and could be doing so much more with their power as far as changing things. We talked about how some folks have so much money and power they control EVERYTHING. Politics. Law enforcement. Media coverage and how the public perceives certain things. We talked also about how so many people walk around not really giving a damn about whats going on in the world around them. People don't wanna get involved with politics or whats going on in their government and some refuse to vote. If they even know who their leaders are. Its always refreshing to connect intellectually with another person you know? With me its not always videogames, comic books, and superpowers. Even though folks outside looking in get that and some want to change me I have always been that multifaceted intellectual yet quirky individual trying to use what he has to survive in this ever-changing and complicated world we live in. Most will never see that. They will never see past my skin or social awkwardness but perhaps with the words I write here future generations will get a better picture of this man that I am...this man who is like Captain America a superhero twisted by fate and circumstance into something much greater to survive. I feel like Cap who woke up to find he was in a world that had changed so much he could barely recognize it from how it used to be. No matter how wonderous this world can be at times with all the marvels and advancements I can't help but at times wish I could go back to simpler times.

Finally caved in and got myself a bigger tv. Its a 43-inch TCL 4K 2023 smart tv. My Xbox Series S looks REALLY good on it. Its too bad my internet is so janky because its a struggle to stream 4K content. Still what with how crazy these companies are getting with digital content there has been some sort of movement to revive the physical media format even as some store chains are cutting that shelf space. Some companies remove your digital purchases over time for a variety of reasons. This has been getting more and more press recently. Folks who bought movies and games digitally going back to find out they can no longer access the content that they paid for. Been there do that and hated it. So I guess it really is a good time for me to be thinking about getting me a stand alone 4K disc player for my new tv. After I get my player that will be the end of most luxury spending for me as I move closer to production on SonsOfLegend. This was to originally be a short but I've decided I wanna do a full length project. This will bring me back into the realm of crowdfunding to raise the money and its something I feel confident in now that I saw the success of the kickstarter to fund my Dragonmanx comicbook. So much of my time and resources and concentration will be on this film for awhile I think its safe to say. But it feels good to be moving towards something. Much better than spending time thinking about dating or so overwhelmed by things going on that my mind feels numbed some times from it all. I honestly believe I am done with dating and a love life. These are things that have not worked out for me and in the past and considering how low my last attempt at being with someone took me I realize some of us are simply not meant to have such things. I've had some good situations true but its mostly been pretty dangerous for me and well...I can't look back at this point. In order for some of us to get what we want in life we have to give up some things. Is it fair? Does it make sense? Maybe it does. The more focused I am on chasing building my empire the more progress in life I make. So I won't speak for anyone else but for myself it definitely is a trade-off. Sometimes when I think of how invested I used to be in finding "that" LTR it is akin to hearing a faint whisper in my mind. I do dream frequently yet some dreams have to die for us to live. Having said all that I still believe one day I may find myself within some much-needed family dynamic but the romance phase...its just done. One thing I have been thinking about lately is getting me a fur baby. I think it would be cool having someone else to look after as it is my belief that animals are like spiritual air fresheners. Not a dog. Not a cat. Something smaller and low maintenance. What exactly? Perhaps a rat. Maybe a mouse. Could be something like a Chinchilla. Not big on rabbits. Not saying I don't like them but my experience with rabbits and even hamsters hasn't been that great. Gerbils and ferrets are nice but ferrets and gerbils are illegal here in Cali so theres that. Birds are cool but I don't really want one of those. Also, it would feel weird having someone who can fly confined in a space much of the time. Probably sometime this year when I've cleaned out the clutter from my place I'll get myself a critter. Whether or not I can bring them on trips is gonna be a bridge to cross when its time. Would be cool though to bring said fur baby home with me when I go visit family. Another thing over the years I've pondered is getting an emotional support animal. Your pets are that anyway (unofficially) but when its actually official you get more perks.

Earlier it was brought to my attention one of my supervisors sent me an email about me having my bluetooth speaker here at the desk to listen to music. Its strange that after a year he suddenly wants to take away something that helps keep my mind together at this place. A year ago I had a similar issue with a supervisor and it led to us having a big meeting and that resulted in upper management saying it was cool for me to have music. I tried to explain this to dude but he wasn't hearing it. I swear sometimes I feel that always having to look over my shoulder or having someone telling me what to do is stunting my development in some ways. What is it like to get up and go to work when you feel like it? What is it like to sign your own checks or to not to have to answer to anyone? I've never had that feeling of control in my life. Sometimes its like Magneto told Pyro about being a scorpion among ants. Someone with so much potential being controlled by lesser evolved beings so much that he forgets he should be the one making the rules. Sometimes I get the idea I should be more powerful in my life and for whatever reason only just now am I starting to experience real ambition. I can't keep living in a situation where I'm check by check and not really having the time and resources to live life to the fullest. It is true that I have become more responsible and more financially savy but its still not enough you know? Seems making films is my way out but other ways to rise up for me could be in other fields as well. Politics. Tech. Nerds With Badges has been getting neglected and sometimes its frustrating when you post content and you get no interaction from others. The tree falling in the forest with no one around to hear its sound. What is my demographic? Who watches or would be interested in my content? Gay people? Gay black people? Gay blerds? Gay nerds? Black people? Nerds. White women with nerd tendencies? Vampire blerds who date white people? These it seems are the things one must seriously ponder when creating content. Well if you wanna make any money or get those views and clicks. It is a tricky art to master...this process of doing what you enjoy and making a living off it. I don't need 100 million in the bank but I can settle for 12 million. I can.