Friday, August 31, 2012
A sneak peek at whats in store for the DragonManx webseries....
*This blog was created with music from the 300 soundtrack and the debut cd from the lovely Adriana Evans.
This is in my opinion the best script I have ever done so far so I thought I would share it. Plus its likely to be the last thing I write for awhile. I'm gonna take some time to focus on other things in my life. Along with the business aspects of all this sh*t. Hopefully you will enjoy this. Its been in my head for awhile and mostly ties up some of the continuity issues both of my series have had over the years. Production is likely to start sometime around or after Halloween this year. Theres a possibility I might wait until 2013 for this baby because its gonna be costly and it's gonna take awhile to shoot all this footage. The locations are pretty much taken care of. One big warehouse. Covered. One paking lot. Got it. Phillips house. Check. A park bench....well let us pray we can film that part without a cop asking us for a permit. Honestly though this time around I'm not gonna try to take any shortcuts shooting projects. If its not all done legitimately people are not gonna wanna work with you,give support or take your shoots seriously. Gotta strive to be professional from here on out....
DRAGONMANX EPISODE 6 "THE TROUBLE WITH MR. CHIKLETS".
Act 1 Scene 1. INT. Nighttime. A radio station.
Elle a radio host sits down in front of a mic. We never see her face as she sits down.
ELLE
Thank you for tuning in to the station paranormals tune in to. WKPOW FM. I'm Elle. Welcome to the nightly show called "the ones who are" and tonights theme or topic is how do you fit in with todays society as a paranormal. How does one cope with feeling of isolation or even harrassment? Feel free to call in and lets get these phone lines buzzing with some intelligent "buzz" shall we? We're gonna get tonights show started with a relatively unknown tune by a relatively unknown act. No seriously....thats the name of the band.
Elle plays the song as she reaches for a steaming cup of coffee. The phone rings a few moments later. She picks up.
ELLE
This is Elle. Thank you for bothering to tune in and for calling. I guess. So whats on your mind tonight caller?
CALLER
I think I need some help.
ELLE
O-kay. How exac...
CALLER
Nah. then again maybe I don't want your help. I dunno. So confused.
ELLE
Er...
CALLER
F.... I gotta remember not to curse on the air. But screw it Elle. I think I'm gonna kill someone.
ELLE
Really now? Why not start with yourself ya freak.
CALLER
Hah hah ha. But nah I'm serious. Truth be known I've already done it. Another truth is I really can't help myself.
ELLE
What do you mean by THAT? Sounds like you need some serious help kiddo.
CALLER
You don't understand. Theres no help for me. This freaking clown ALWAYS manages to come out. I can't control him. I can't stop him from hurting "them. But thought persists why should I?
ELLE
Alright I'll bite you sick bastard. Just who are they?
CALLER
They are the real sick bastards Elle. The crazy self righteous mofos who think its alright to persecute my kind.
ELLE
“Your kind”? Black people?
CALLER
Well they do that too but we're not here to talk about that. I'm talkin about the homophobes that go around killing or beating up on gays and thinking or believing its a just cause.
ELLE
Listen fool there are always gonna be people out here who don't like you for whatever reason. Plus bad things happen to good people all the time. You gotta accept the fact you are only one person and there really ain't nothin you can do about it except live your life. Get that thru your thick skull.
CALLER
You're wrong. There is something I can do. Or rather something "he" can do.
ELLE
"He?" Who the hell is he man???
CALLER
Why he's the clown of course. But I like to call him the demon of justice.
As we transition we see Goyangee standing looking out a window as he listens to the radio show.
CALLER
Hey who knows maybe one of these nights I'll pay you a visit. How does that sound?
ELLE
Well all I can say is that whatever we're gonna be doing you're footing the bill clown.
CALLER
Forget you you expensive ass bitch. But thanks for having me on your show. Have a (bleep) you good night.
ELLE
Sure.
Elle hangs up. Meanwhile Goyangee turns to look at the radio.
GOYANGEE
Damn.
As we draw back we see Phillip is there in the room sitting on the bed reading a book.
PHILLIP
Are you sure thats....?
GOYANGEE
Witnesses describe a clown at a couple of the scenes. As much as I really can't stand gay bashers....this guy IS killing people.
PHILLIP
We've both done that man.
GOYANGEE
He's a murderer Phillip. Its different.
PHILLIP
Why? Because you have a license to kill?
GOYANGEE
Why are you giving me such a hard time about this?
PHILLIP
Because I wanna help you. Why do you insist on playing solo?
GOYANGEE
You are not a detective anymore.
PHILLIP
No but I have powers now. I can even help you find your friends.
GOYANGEE
Which means you’d be a superpowered vigilante running around unsanctioned. This is....
PHILLIP
You weren't always sanctioned Goyangee. Remember?
GOYANGEE
I....
PHILLIP
Thats the problem. Its always I....me....you.
Goyangee transforms into his costume. The camera catches him from various angles.
PHILLIP
Since you're going out at least bring me back some rocky road.
Goyangee looks at Phillip then runs out at superspeed.
FADE TO BLACK.
ACT 1 SCENE 2 INT. NIGHTTIME. PHILLIPS BEDROOM.
As Phillip sleeps we see his "twin" BILLIP sits up then exits his sleeping form. The twin walks over to stand in the middle of the room and he looks around. A moment later he emerges from the apartment "phasing" thru the front door of the apartment. He then steps out into the night with a smile.
FADE TO:
ACT 1 SCENE 3. EXT. NIGHTTIME. A PARKING LOT OF AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE.
Goyangee at superspeed streaks through the parking lot zipping thru some parked cars. He stops and summons his swords then becomes shadow to pass thru the wall. Goyangee enters the warehouse. Looks around. Then suddenly he hears something. As he moves further thru the place he starts to sniff the air as if he has picked up a scent. When he reaches a darkened corner of the warehouse he espies a large blanket covering something which seems to be moving. In a fleeting movement Goyangee snatches the covering away to reveal a quivering half naked man. We will come to know him as Luke. Luke is bound and gagged. Goyangee removes the gag.
LUKE
Please you gotta help me man! I was only gonna stomp his gay ass until he turned into....! Shit he’s gonna fucking kill my ass and you too if you don’t get....!!!!
Goyangee puts the gag back around Lukes mouth. He looks around for a moment then he throws Luke over his shoulder and turns to leave. But Mr. Chiklets is standing there.
MR. CHIKLETS
Well hello there. I don’t believe you were invited.
Mr. Chikets forms a giant cartoonlike spring fist to shoot at Goyangee but he avoids it with a superspeed dash. Then before Mr. Chiklets can react Goyangee hits him with a sonic blast sending him flying backwards and out of sight.
MR. CHIKLETS
Gahaaaaaaaiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!!! No fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Goyangee streaks out of the warehouse. He sits Luke down and props him up against a car. Unbinds him. Removes the gag.
GOYANGEE
You start talking again and I put this back on.
Luke nods hurriedly. Just then Mr. Chiklets appears in a puff of pink smoke.
MR. CHIKLETS
Leaving so soon when I JUST got here?!?
Goyangee summons both blades from the shadows and strikes a defensive pose.
GOYANGEE
Look this guy is a creep and he deserves to have the shit kicked out of him but this...! What you are doing is wrong. You have to see that. How'd you sneak up on me?
MR. CHIKLETS
I can see that YOU are FAMILY. So you must understand the only way we can be truly free is by wiping out these scumbags one or two or three or FOUR at a TIME. Gay hateration ain’t just gonna go away by itself ya know???
GOYANGEE
Dude you are sick.
Goyangee switches to offensive and is about to charge Chiklets when all at once he is hit with a loud burst of what sounds like audience members laughing. Its overwhelming and seems to knock him out cold. Chiklets moves closer as Luke cowers then runs away in terror.
MR. CHIKLETS
Hmmmm. Well YOU are interesting. We’re gonna have to get together again. Maybe over breakfast?
Goyangee sits up groggily looking around but Chiklets is gone. Goyangee stands up to leave the area at superspeed.
FADE TO:
ACT 1. SCENE 4. EXT. NIGHTTIME. FRONT ENTRANCE TO A HOUSE.
Elliot observes a woman about to unlock and enter her house. We see from his POV as he ducks behind a bush when she suddenly looks his way. As the woman turns away Elliot bares his fangs.
ELLIOT V/O
So I’m a goddam bloodsucker. This doesn’t make any sense. I thought vampires were fantasy. But with all these super powered people running around why am I surprised right? Not sure how I got like this but I am sure of one thing. I’m fucking hungry and this one is on the menu.
Elliot moves like a blur towards his intended victim and we....
FADE TO BLACK.
ACT 1 SCENE 5. INT.
Billip walks up to a door in an apartment building. He knocks on the door. A voice answers. Rolan.
ROLAN
Who is it?
BILLIP
Its the man you promised a late night massage to.
Rolan opens the door.
ROLAN
I thought you’d never get here brothaman. Hey why you lookin at me like...?
BILLIP
Drop the ghettospeak. Talk how you normally talk or not at all.
ROLAN
My we are touchy.
BILLIP
I’m just being real.
Rolan extends his hand for Billip to shake.
ROLAN
Welcome then Billip. And my real name ain’t Gerald. Its Roland. But you can call me shake. Wanna guess why?
All at once the room begins to shake like an earthquake. Billip grabs Roland to press him against the wall hungrily kissing him. Billip then picks Rolan up and places him on the floor still on top of him kissing him. Rolan begins to squirm as he feel something happening. Somehow Billip is sucking the energy from Rolan.
ROLAN
What? No! No!!!
Struggle as he tries its no use and soon Rolan is reduced to a dried up almost mummiefied version of himself. Lifeless. Meanwhile Billip stands up refreshed. He flexxes satisfied. Rejuvenated. Then we....
FADE TO BLACK.
ACT 1 SCENE 6. INT. DAYLIGHT. MARY’S HOUSE AS SHE EXITS THE SHOWER.
Mary dries off. Levi her boyfriend is sitting there at the kitchen table when she walks by.
MARY
Whats wrong Levi? You looks so....
LEVI
I need you to forgive me.
MARY
Forgive you? Forgive you for what?
Levi takes out a gun and shoots Mary with a tranquilizer dart. She goes down for the count.
LEVI
I love you Mary.
FADE OUT.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
An Experience....
Part 2.
My Stepfather Eddie arrived at the airport about 30 minutes after I got my luggage out of the baggage claim. Its only just recently that I started bringing a bigger bag and checking it in. I think I was traumatized by Greyhound temporarily losing my luggage years ago. Usually I just bring a dufflebag for my clothes and a big backpack for all my electronic gadgets. So much of the time the planes don't have the space to allow big carry ons so you end up checking it in anyway plus I can fit more clothes in a larger check in bag. Better to have more than enough clothes than not enough I have learned. The gadgets I mentioned consist of my portable dvd player (for watching redbox/netflix movies on the plane) and the PS3,Xbox360 or whichever console I've decided to bring along with me. Sometimes I bring the DS lite. I always bring the PSP but I keep that in my pocket most of the time. GOD knows they come in handy because most of the time when I'm on trips and I happen to turn the tv on in hotels to check out the cable channels its mostly stuff that doesn't interest me. Some of the hotels I have stayed in make it REALLY difficult to unhook their boxes from the tvs. Mostly all thats on is crap and they end up forcing you to utilize the pay per view services they offer. Sneaky bastards.
Eddie was glad to see me. I was actually in Orlando a month ago for my little brothers high school graduation so in a way it felt like I never left. I really love my brother but honestly I don't know him. I blame myself because I have been mostly absent from his life. Seems it was only yesterday Joshuazilla was a cute little boy crying when it was time for me to leave. He's still cute but man did he grow up. Dude is taller than I am now. He'd opted out of coming home for the funeral. When I got to speak with him on the phone he told me that since he'd just gotten checked in for school and there was so much going on he didn't want to be down in the dumps. I can't blame him really. Funerals are definitely as serious as it gets. I think in my whole life I've only been to about four or five. My uncle George. He had the military funeral with rifles going off and they gave Granny a flag. Leroy. He killed himself and I recall the man in the coffin looked nothing like the incredibly handsome Leroy I knew. Leroys spirit was with me a good while after he died. Used to keep me awake at night because I could feel him there. But he was such a great guy. Even though he wasn't exactly a fan of gays he still treated me like a friend. It was he who stepped in as peacemaker when his homophobic brother was really going out of his way to let me know how much my kind igged him by just being. My Great Granny Katie Bell. Seems I recall Granny didn't want to get out of the car when we were at Katies funeral. Its amazing to me I can still remember some of these things yet I leave my house keys in the shuttle that dropped me off at the airport???
I think I ate some leftovers for breakfast when I got back to the house. Spoke with Mommy and Eddie for awhile. Played with Fatishas cute doggie then I went to sleep in Joshuazilla's room. As usual I got awakened by my stepsister Beverly "Miss Big Nose" and her small army of youngins. Curtis jr,Carly,Kymera and Cynthia. Bev lost her husband Curtis earlier this year. I actually got the phone call that Curtis passed just as I was about to go film an episode of SonsofLegend. Curtis was a very cool guy. I connected with him immediately because he shares my love of comics,sci-fi and videogames. My other sister from Eddie (Fatisha) has a cool hubby but he and I will probably never connect. I have tried to be friendly but I suspect the gay thing is a bit too much for dude. Its a bit much for me at times too....
Miss Big Nose has always been closer to me than any of my flesh and blood sisters. Proof you can have strong family bonds that trump blood connections. Bev has some really cool kids too. All VERY smart. Curtis part 2 is in so many ways like a little brother to me. We have many of the same interests. Well outside of sports and girls. He sat up late playing videogames with me a few times but he couldn't hang. Few people can. Staying awake all night is a super power not given to most. Curtis and his sisters had a very intellectual father. They all speak and read very well plus they actually play videogames which means they have excellent hand and eye coordination. They have Bev's Trinidadian strength, patience,wisdom and that old soul type of vibe goin on. I can see they all will be extremely successful in life. Once again they ended up taking me shopping because Fatisha laid the law down that I must have better shoes to wear to Granny's funeral. Fatisha has always been super detail oriented. She got that from Mommy. Fatisha's super power is her fashion sense. I think its safe to say that I am one of the few gay men who didn't get the superpower fashion gene. I have my own style but I never get bent out of shape over ironing or name brands. I like jeans and t-shirts,Nike and Adidas, but I can take or leave a designer brand. If I like it I'll wear it. End of story. One of my friends "The Chris" told me hours ago as he was whipping my butt at Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3 on the Xbox360 that he thinks gay men are so into fashion and their bodies being so important because society is always telling us something is wrong with us so we feel everything has to be perfect. It kinda makes sense I guess. Honestly I look at alot of these guys and I feel that until my life is perfect they will never even notice me. You gotta have the perfect body. The perfect job. A car. Perfect fashion sense. Otherwise you won't fit in. I can't understand when this shit became so widespread among gay men. I'm just so glad I met someone who is actually able to look at my heart,my soul,imperfections and all without ignoring the things I CAN bring to the table. I expect my lifestyle to change pretty soon. It'll be nice having someone to share it with. Someone who was with me when I had nothing. When you have it going on its always easy to find "friends", lovers,people who want forgiveness or long lost family members suddenly wanting to be a part of your circle. Its important to be able to recognize people and what they are about pretty quickly so you won't get taken advantage of. Unless thats what you want. (Smiles/giggles)
I got my shoes. Even got some black socks. We went to this store near a Ross which would have been the next stop if I couldn't find what I needed. The shoes were about $24.00 and the socks about $5.00. After that Eddie treated us all to some smoothies from MCDonalds. I could use one right now because it is soooo hot. Orlando was just the right temp as far as I'm concerned. It was right around that time I think I started hearing about this impending "ISSAC" storm which aside from some rain thankfully passed Orlando. Louisiana was not so lucky though. From the news reports I watched on tv earlier it looked like Katrina all over again. I imagine we are gonna have alot of displaced people coming to Cali and Texas again. It would be cool to room with someone nice who relocates here to start over again. I'm thinking of getting a roommate again so I can move into a bigger apt but thats a whole nother story. Almost forgot to mention a 73 year old cousin drove down from NC to pay his respects. We didn't really do anything together though other than watch tv. I have some friends in FLA I thought I would be able to hang out or check out a movie with at some point but my main contact was dealing with his own family related stuff so later during my visit me and some Family went to see Sparkle. Whitney and Jordin were great. It was a nice little distraction however the original film is still the best.
The night before the funeral Eddie steamed my black shirt and I had a radio show interview with a friend I met at the local GOLDEN APPLE comic book shop while picking up the latest from "Thunderbolts AKA:Dark Avengers" and "WonderWoman". Sike gave me a chance to talk about/promote my work as an indie filmmaker. That and my growing frustration over the lack of people of color in comics,videogames,cartoons and the types of films I support. We must have talked for about 20 minutes. Maybe 30. It was good to have a forum like that and I spoke of some others who came before me that thought as I did. The creators of Milestone comics most prominently because there was never anything like Milestone before and well there might not be anything else like it again. I plan to create a killer franchise featuring heroes of color yet I can see I have my work cut out for me as I refine my concepts. What I wish for is that more African Americans got or supported science fiction. I know for a fact comic books helped to strengthen my vocabulary also science fiction and fantasy type material does often contain alot of heart but folks just look at it from the outside. They see the flashy special effects and action then its automatically labeled as something for kids or something not to be taken seriously. Okay I'm coming down off of my soapbox. For now.
The day of the funeral started just like any other. I got up. Showered,brushed the teeth and dressed. Ate. I guess I didn't really give much thought to what would happen once we got to the service. It still felt very surreal and dreamlike to me. It still felt like Granny would come out of her room and we could talk to her or hug her just like we always did. She was such a permanent fixture in all our lives. I think we all took it for granted she would always be here. You know? I hadn't even realized that the three men who came into the living room were from the funeral home. One was very VERY handsome. Tall. Dark and bald headed with a mustache and goatee. He gave me a sympathetic smile. He likely sees this type of thing on an almost daily basis. We all shook hands. There might have been some introductions but its vague. One of the men who may have been the dad said they were driving us to the service and he said a prayer before we all headed out to the black limos. I rode with my mother,Fatisha,Eddie and my cousin. The Dad of the other two drivers was our driver. The ride was a pleasant one. It was one of those nice, quiet,calm drives you kinda wish won't end. During the ride we talked and there was some humor in the mix. I didn't really have much to say. Just looked out the window. The finality of it all seemed to be sinking in. Granny was gone and we were going to lay her to rest. It was real. Not a dream. All the what ifs and possible lawsuits in the world are not gonna bring her back again. She was gone and we had to get through this. The limo arrived at the funeral home after what felt like about 30 minutes of driving. I remember feeling like this as a child....hoping the ride wouldn't end when I'd get up in the morning to ride to work with Granny. I felt the same way on the schoolbus ride to school. We all got out of the limos and there were some people greeting Mommy and Fatisha too I think. Co-workers or family members who came to pay their respects. I overheard things like "be strong" and "it'll get better". I walked into the church and probably held my breath for a moment as I walked in holding hands with my little niece Cynthia. One of Bevs "soldiers". I've seen bodies before but when its personal the impact just hits. And there she was. Granny lay there in purple. Peaceful and in a grand coffin the color of sunned ivory. She like Leroy didn't quite look like herself. I thought of her pain and suffering and distinctly recall thinking she didn't deserve this. To suffer all that pain. What if the doctors really did screw up? Sometimes anger overrides everything else. I sat down in the second row. I was right behind Fatisha. Mommy was strong. Like Coretta at Martins funeral. But I know she'd done her grieving before. Most of it anyway. I put my arm around Cynthia because the poor little thing seemed in a daze. Perhaps when she's older this will all make more sense to her. The emotional part of it. Her mother who sat next to her could not contain her grief. She was in tears probably from the moment she entered the church. At one part Bev cried out and had to leave for a moment. Bev we all knew was crying for two people. Then it was my turn to cry. The tears came and then came the sobs. Curtis turned around to look at me. This was a side to uncle Serg few have witnessed. Its these moments that remind me I can still feel. Something. At one point the handsome limo driver came over to ask me if I needed anything. The preacher gave a lovely sermon. She was very personal which made me like her. Nothing seemed pretentious or rehearsed. And Carly who'd been rehearsing the night before read the LONG poem I'd written HERE just a week ago. Fatisha had decided to use it in the program and it was a fitting tribute. Carly shed a few tears near the end yet she held it together. These kids have been thru so much this past year. I felt like getting up when they gave us a chance to say our final goodbyes. I had actually wanted to touch Granny in the coffin but I had not. Still I could take some comfort knowing I'd hugged her just a month ago. I felt her warm in my arms. Felt that love of generations pass thru me and I'd keep it with me for all time. They closed the coffin and then we all got up to give Granny that one last final ride to glory. I was so glad knowing in her final living moments Bev had been there. She saw Granny's head go back. Her eyes closed and the breathing slowed to paradise. To peace at last. What greater gift can a child give than to be there to offer the passing generation comfort in those final moments into peacefulness? The drive to the cemetery didn't seem as long as the drive to the funeral home. We had a nice female driver this time. She and mom talked like they'd been best friends forever. Its funny how women can do that. It was really hot when we got out and the sun was beating down. No time was wasted. Of course another funeral was about to happen right after ours. But I get the idea THAT sun put some speed in the service because it was no joke. I was asked by the limo dad if I would mind being a pallbearer. So I said yes. Man was that coffin HEAVY! They buried Granny in a tank. A pretty one. I don't know why my mind went there but I was worrying the coffin would fall when we put it on these green straps holding it over the hole that was dug. So words were said and we quickly filed out of there. All except me and Auntie one of Eddies relatives. I walked back to get a few flowers off the coffin then we stood and watched them lower the coffin into the ground. One great adventure ended right there in front of us. Granny's grand adventure of life was over at last.
My Stepfather Eddie arrived at the airport about 30 minutes after I got my luggage out of the baggage claim. Its only just recently that I started bringing a bigger bag and checking it in. I think I was traumatized by Greyhound temporarily losing my luggage years ago. Usually I just bring a dufflebag for my clothes and a big backpack for all my electronic gadgets. So much of the time the planes don't have the space to allow big carry ons so you end up checking it in anyway plus I can fit more clothes in a larger check in bag. Better to have more than enough clothes than not enough I have learned. The gadgets I mentioned consist of my portable dvd player (for watching redbox/netflix movies on the plane) and the PS3,Xbox360 or whichever console I've decided to bring along with me. Sometimes I bring the DS lite. I always bring the PSP but I keep that in my pocket most of the time. GOD knows they come in handy because most of the time when I'm on trips and I happen to turn the tv on in hotels to check out the cable channels its mostly stuff that doesn't interest me. Some of the hotels I have stayed in make it REALLY difficult to unhook their boxes from the tvs. Mostly all thats on is crap and they end up forcing you to utilize the pay per view services they offer. Sneaky bastards.
Eddie was glad to see me. I was actually in Orlando a month ago for my little brothers high school graduation so in a way it felt like I never left. I really love my brother but honestly I don't know him. I blame myself because I have been mostly absent from his life. Seems it was only yesterday Joshuazilla was a cute little boy crying when it was time for me to leave. He's still cute but man did he grow up. Dude is taller than I am now. He'd opted out of coming home for the funeral. When I got to speak with him on the phone he told me that since he'd just gotten checked in for school and there was so much going on he didn't want to be down in the dumps. I can't blame him really. Funerals are definitely as serious as it gets. I think in my whole life I've only been to about four or five. My uncle George. He had the military funeral with rifles going off and they gave Granny a flag. Leroy. He killed himself and I recall the man in the coffin looked nothing like the incredibly handsome Leroy I knew. Leroys spirit was with me a good while after he died. Used to keep me awake at night because I could feel him there. But he was such a great guy. Even though he wasn't exactly a fan of gays he still treated me like a friend. It was he who stepped in as peacemaker when his homophobic brother was really going out of his way to let me know how much my kind igged him by just being. My Great Granny Katie Bell. Seems I recall Granny didn't want to get out of the car when we were at Katies funeral. Its amazing to me I can still remember some of these things yet I leave my house keys in the shuttle that dropped me off at the airport???
I think I ate some leftovers for breakfast when I got back to the house. Spoke with Mommy and Eddie for awhile. Played with Fatishas cute doggie then I went to sleep in Joshuazilla's room. As usual I got awakened by my stepsister Beverly "Miss Big Nose" and her small army of youngins. Curtis jr,Carly,Kymera and Cynthia. Bev lost her husband Curtis earlier this year. I actually got the phone call that Curtis passed just as I was about to go film an episode of SonsofLegend. Curtis was a very cool guy. I connected with him immediately because he shares my love of comics,sci-fi and videogames. My other sister from Eddie (Fatisha) has a cool hubby but he and I will probably never connect. I have tried to be friendly but I suspect the gay thing is a bit too much for dude. Its a bit much for me at times too....
Miss Big Nose has always been closer to me than any of my flesh and blood sisters. Proof you can have strong family bonds that trump blood connections. Bev has some really cool kids too. All VERY smart. Curtis part 2 is in so many ways like a little brother to me. We have many of the same interests. Well outside of sports and girls. He sat up late playing videogames with me a few times but he couldn't hang. Few people can. Staying awake all night is a super power not given to most. Curtis and his sisters had a very intellectual father. They all speak and read very well plus they actually play videogames which means they have excellent hand and eye coordination. They have Bev's Trinidadian strength, patience,wisdom and that old soul type of vibe goin on. I can see they all will be extremely successful in life. Once again they ended up taking me shopping because Fatisha laid the law down that I must have better shoes to wear to Granny's funeral. Fatisha has always been super detail oriented. She got that from Mommy. Fatisha's super power is her fashion sense. I think its safe to say that I am one of the few gay men who didn't get the superpower fashion gene. I have my own style but I never get bent out of shape over ironing or name brands. I like jeans and t-shirts,Nike and Adidas, but I can take or leave a designer brand. If I like it I'll wear it. End of story. One of my friends "The Chris" told me hours ago as he was whipping my butt at Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3 on the Xbox360 that he thinks gay men are so into fashion and their bodies being so important because society is always telling us something is wrong with us so we feel everything has to be perfect. It kinda makes sense I guess. Honestly I look at alot of these guys and I feel that until my life is perfect they will never even notice me. You gotta have the perfect body. The perfect job. A car. Perfect fashion sense. Otherwise you won't fit in. I can't understand when this shit became so widespread among gay men. I'm just so glad I met someone who is actually able to look at my heart,my soul,imperfections and all without ignoring the things I CAN bring to the table. I expect my lifestyle to change pretty soon. It'll be nice having someone to share it with. Someone who was with me when I had nothing. When you have it going on its always easy to find "friends", lovers,people who want forgiveness or long lost family members suddenly wanting to be a part of your circle. Its important to be able to recognize people and what they are about pretty quickly so you won't get taken advantage of. Unless thats what you want. (Smiles/giggles)
I got my shoes. Even got some black socks. We went to this store near a Ross which would have been the next stop if I couldn't find what I needed. The shoes were about $24.00 and the socks about $5.00. After that Eddie treated us all to some smoothies from MCDonalds. I could use one right now because it is soooo hot. Orlando was just the right temp as far as I'm concerned. It was right around that time I think I started hearing about this impending "ISSAC" storm which aside from some rain thankfully passed Orlando. Louisiana was not so lucky though. From the news reports I watched on tv earlier it looked like Katrina all over again. I imagine we are gonna have alot of displaced people coming to Cali and Texas again. It would be cool to room with someone nice who relocates here to start over again. I'm thinking of getting a roommate again so I can move into a bigger apt but thats a whole nother story. Almost forgot to mention a 73 year old cousin drove down from NC to pay his respects. We didn't really do anything together though other than watch tv. I have some friends in FLA I thought I would be able to hang out or check out a movie with at some point but my main contact was dealing with his own family related stuff so later during my visit me and some Family went to see Sparkle. Whitney and Jordin were great. It was a nice little distraction however the original film is still the best.
The night before the funeral Eddie steamed my black shirt and I had a radio show interview with a friend I met at the local GOLDEN APPLE comic book shop while picking up the latest from "Thunderbolts AKA:Dark Avengers" and "WonderWoman". Sike gave me a chance to talk about/promote my work as an indie filmmaker. That and my growing frustration over the lack of people of color in comics,videogames,cartoons and the types of films I support. We must have talked for about 20 minutes. Maybe 30. It was good to have a forum like that and I spoke of some others who came before me that thought as I did. The creators of Milestone comics most prominently because there was never anything like Milestone before and well there might not be anything else like it again. I plan to create a killer franchise featuring heroes of color yet I can see I have my work cut out for me as I refine my concepts. What I wish for is that more African Americans got or supported science fiction. I know for a fact comic books helped to strengthen my vocabulary also science fiction and fantasy type material does often contain alot of heart but folks just look at it from the outside. They see the flashy special effects and action then its automatically labeled as something for kids or something not to be taken seriously. Okay I'm coming down off of my soapbox. For now.
The day of the funeral started just like any other. I got up. Showered,brushed the teeth and dressed. Ate. I guess I didn't really give much thought to what would happen once we got to the service. It still felt very surreal and dreamlike to me. It still felt like Granny would come out of her room and we could talk to her or hug her just like we always did. She was such a permanent fixture in all our lives. I think we all took it for granted she would always be here. You know? I hadn't even realized that the three men who came into the living room were from the funeral home. One was very VERY handsome. Tall. Dark and bald headed with a mustache and goatee. He gave me a sympathetic smile. He likely sees this type of thing on an almost daily basis. We all shook hands. There might have been some introductions but its vague. One of the men who may have been the dad said they were driving us to the service and he said a prayer before we all headed out to the black limos. I rode with my mother,Fatisha,Eddie and my cousin. The Dad of the other two drivers was our driver. The ride was a pleasant one. It was one of those nice, quiet,calm drives you kinda wish won't end. During the ride we talked and there was some humor in the mix. I didn't really have much to say. Just looked out the window. The finality of it all seemed to be sinking in. Granny was gone and we were going to lay her to rest. It was real. Not a dream. All the what ifs and possible lawsuits in the world are not gonna bring her back again. She was gone and we had to get through this. The limo arrived at the funeral home after what felt like about 30 minutes of driving. I remember feeling like this as a child....hoping the ride wouldn't end when I'd get up in the morning to ride to work with Granny. I felt the same way on the schoolbus ride to school. We all got out of the limos and there were some people greeting Mommy and Fatisha too I think. Co-workers or family members who came to pay their respects. I overheard things like "be strong" and "it'll get better". I walked into the church and probably held my breath for a moment as I walked in holding hands with my little niece Cynthia. One of Bevs "soldiers". I've seen bodies before but when its personal the impact just hits. And there she was. Granny lay there in purple. Peaceful and in a grand coffin the color of sunned ivory. She like Leroy didn't quite look like herself. I thought of her pain and suffering and distinctly recall thinking she didn't deserve this. To suffer all that pain. What if the doctors really did screw up? Sometimes anger overrides everything else. I sat down in the second row. I was right behind Fatisha. Mommy was strong. Like Coretta at Martins funeral. But I know she'd done her grieving before. Most of it anyway. I put my arm around Cynthia because the poor little thing seemed in a daze. Perhaps when she's older this will all make more sense to her. The emotional part of it. Her mother who sat next to her could not contain her grief. She was in tears probably from the moment she entered the church. At one part Bev cried out and had to leave for a moment. Bev we all knew was crying for two people. Then it was my turn to cry. The tears came and then came the sobs. Curtis turned around to look at me. This was a side to uncle Serg few have witnessed. Its these moments that remind me I can still feel. Something. At one point the handsome limo driver came over to ask me if I needed anything. The preacher gave a lovely sermon. She was very personal which made me like her. Nothing seemed pretentious or rehearsed. And Carly who'd been rehearsing the night before read the LONG poem I'd written HERE just a week ago. Fatisha had decided to use it in the program and it was a fitting tribute. Carly shed a few tears near the end yet she held it together. These kids have been thru so much this past year. I felt like getting up when they gave us a chance to say our final goodbyes. I had actually wanted to touch Granny in the coffin but I had not. Still I could take some comfort knowing I'd hugged her just a month ago. I felt her warm in my arms. Felt that love of generations pass thru me and I'd keep it with me for all time. They closed the coffin and then we all got up to give Granny that one last final ride to glory. I was so glad knowing in her final living moments Bev had been there. She saw Granny's head go back. Her eyes closed and the breathing slowed to paradise. To peace at last. What greater gift can a child give than to be there to offer the passing generation comfort in those final moments into peacefulness? The drive to the cemetery didn't seem as long as the drive to the funeral home. We had a nice female driver this time. She and mom talked like they'd been best friends forever. Its funny how women can do that. It was really hot when we got out and the sun was beating down. No time was wasted. Of course another funeral was about to happen right after ours. But I get the idea THAT sun put some speed in the service because it was no joke. I was asked by the limo dad if I would mind being a pallbearer. So I said yes. Man was that coffin HEAVY! They buried Granny in a tank. A pretty one. I don't know why my mind went there but I was worrying the coffin would fall when we put it on these green straps holding it over the hole that was dug. So words were said and we quickly filed out of there. All except me and Auntie one of Eddies relatives. I walked back to get a few flowers off the coffin then we stood and watched them lower the coffin into the ground. One great adventure ended right there in front of us. Granny's grand adventure of life was over at last.
Monday, August 27, 2012
An Experience....
Part 1.
The week has gone by and needless to say I survived my Orlando (courtesy of BlueBerry Teddy Bear) adventure. The Super Shuttle came to pick me up from my house around 11pm Monday night for my flight to Orlando. For once I was actually packed and ready. The driver was a very nice brother. I forget his name but as we talked I came to understand he and I had some things in common. He's a comic collector for one. Dude also has his own business. This was the first time I actually had conversation with a driver the entire time of a trip. It was also one of the longest conversations I've had with another black man in awhile. Thats not counting my new buddy Jeremy I met at the local Ralphs about a month ago. Jeremy was in the market with his girlfriend and walked over to introduce himself after recognizing me from SonsofLegend. We have a mutual friend (Atomik Fairy) who did some editing on one of my SonsofLegend projects some time ago. Dude was very candid with me about some things he's working on and I am a firm believer that nothing happens by accident. He expressed genuine sorrow about my family situation as well. We talked about it. Its a funny thing how you can just receive one phone call which turns your whole world upside down. Its nice to know people can understand it when you appear out of it for a minute.
Fatisha my sister was the one who called me with the news about Granny passing. It had been a week earlier when I got the call Granny was admitted into the hospital because of pain and some swelling in her legs. They also found some cancer tissue. Nothing threatening though. Not from the cancer tissue. Turns out her kidneys were now only functioning at about 4%. This meant she would have to go on dialysis. I know one person on dialysis. We've not spoken in years but he told me all about the ordeal of having a machine helping your body filter out wastes because your kidneys fail and are unable to do it. Tubes stuck in you. Granny was from the old old school so I imagine she really wasn't quite understanding just what was going on. Some special measures had to be taken to prevent her from removing the tubes they put in her. It seemed she'd managed to somehow bounce back and they were able to bring her home but this only lasted for about a day because Granny was so out of it and in pain they had to take her back. Miss Big Nose (AKA:Beverly) called to warn me Granny might not bounce back from this and I assumed she would as she had always in the past. The thought had crossed my mind maybe I should start planning a trip. Then to get that phone call from Fatisha telling me Granny had passed away. The rug was pulled out from under me and the world seem to drop. Fatisha told me that I needed to call Mom and start making arrangements to come if I can. I had so many questions. How could this have happened? What happened? Fatisha had JUST left the hospital before Granny passed so she knew as much as I did. My brain turned to mush. It was simply one of those things that didn't seem real. I was trying to process everything. Joshuazilla hadn't been told yet so I couldn't write anything on facebook about it. I thank GOD BlueBerry TeddyBear took control and put a trip together for me. My job has 3 days bereavement leave so I took advantage of that. There was a black long sleeve shirt I'd picked up while in Wisconsin weeks ago. I decided to bring that along to wear to the funeral. I took the only real good pair of black pants I have too. These pants were used in a couple of SonsofLegend/DM episodes. Art imitates life.
It always blows my mind when I go to the airport late at night because theres always such a small number of people there. You usually don't have to wait long for anything. Of course check in is still a somewhat lengthy process. I miss life before 911. Theres the taking off of shoes and belts. You have to empty your pockets of everything. Anything metallic must come out/off. Jackets must be removed. I always have to take my PS3 and portable dvd player out which is a pain. The PSP has to come out. Sunglasses too. The reason I say its a pain is because its often an adventure getting everything into my bags then to have to take it all out and pack it again is an exercise in horror and frustration. Honestly I keep saying I'm going to master the art of packing light. This has yet to actually occur. I thank the gods I've not had to sit next to anyone particularly rude or weird in any of my trips. There was once this guy who seemed to give off a strange vibe and he kept looking over because I assume he thought I was looking at his laptop screen. For the most part I can control peripheral vision but some people have such crazy energy you just can't relax when they are sitting next to you. There have been a few times when I had a "talker" next to me. Usually this doesn't bother me. I'm pretty easy going and appreciate conversation because so many people don't really have anything worth saying. I just think alot of men in general are afraid to talk. Maybe the truth is they simply lack social skills. I'm not the most socially graceful person (far from it) but mama taught me to always be polite and to acknowledge folks when they speak to me. Theres a few people I have been seeing for years coming or going to work who have NEVER made any attempt to speak to me and ignored any attempt I made to say hello. I'm not kidding. SOme people are just mean ass SOBs you should simply avoid if you can. (Yep when it comes to people I have little patience for BS because of things I endured in my past. Don't need no crap from you because I've enough of my own to deal with thanks) I did meet a cool older white lady named Sandy coming back to LA on the plane. We talked pretty much the whole time. I enjoyed her. It was fun hearing her talk about her kids and her life. Hey look when you've had enough you can always just put on your headphones. Its not like you really have to have your music player on either. I mean how could they know right? Last week there was a guy on the train who was trying to get all in my face to ask for money even though the headphones were on and I was trying to stay in my zone. Theres always one. Scary subway/bus people. About time to start working on this driving thing methinks.
The flight to FLA was pretty cool. I got alittle sleep then I had a layover in Memphis. Didn't really eat anything other than the complimentary airplane nuts and pretzels because airport/plane food is costly and I'm on a budget. The poor broke filmmakers spending plan. Although I did ride first class. Not sure how that happened but its always cool when it does. People walk by and look over at you as if they are trying to figure out who you are or what makes you so special. Heh heh heh. Managed to watch two dvds on the trip. I always bring plenty of those along with some comics and music. Mostly the PSP is my music and videogame supplier on long trips. I rarely use it on planes for movies. Although its a different story when I'm home. The PSP and DS help me deal with anxiety on bus/train rides to/from work. So I utilize the movie function on these devices alot. By the way thank you Sony for all the free content. Truly.
I have to say Orlando and Detroit have the biggest airports I have ever seen. Detroit and Florida even have their own trains to shuttle you to the terminals. Gotta give Detroit props for the trippy tunnel you have to walk thru to get to baggage claim. When they only give you like 15 minutes to get to your terminal you sometimes have to make a mad dash to your plane. Earlier this year I missed a flight (along with about thirty other people)because our pilot was almost an hour late and the connecting airport in miniapolis is gigantic. Even being rushed to the terminal in a cart wasn't enough to make the flight! Ended up staying opvernight in a hotel courtesy of Delta. (But a $12 dollar voucher for food in an airport Delta? REALLY???) When I did finally get to Orlando Tues morning I had to wait half an hour before Eddie (my step dad who has been married to Mommy since the meteor killed the dinosaurs) arrived. To say I was glad to be out of that air conditioned airport is an understatment. But I quickly had to come out of my hoodie because the sun was in full effect. Its interesting I've already been to Florida three times this year and how familiar this place is becoming to me. I plan a move for sometime this year. Hopefully I can afford it. It would be nice being closer to family. Florida is not ideal for a person like me who doesn't have a car. I'm thinking New York or Canada may be my next destinations. Europe? As the years go by the ties of family seem to grow even more important. Plus its always fun being around those you grew up with. Granny spent so much time in a rest home and I always used to fantasize about living in a big house where she was able to have her own room and all. Sometimes recently I wondered if she were alone too much. At least in the rest home she had a sort of social life. Living with my mom she was home alot because everyone else is working. Bev and Eddie would have been able to spend more time with her. Eddie is retired now I think and Miss Big Nose moved from Jersey to be closer to Mom and Eddie. Also Florida is hella cheaper than Jersey. If only Granny had lived long enough to see me finally take that walk on the red carpet in Hollywood. Its important to me that my family feels proud of me. Granny's passing made me realize that even though I have not become the person I want my parents to be proud of (not exactly) these are important years that can not be allowed to slip away. Joshua's current relationship with me is the cautionary tale of what happens when you wait too long trying to make your life perfect enough so that you feel you can bring something to the equation. Granny's passing is also a reminder to me most people are probably not gonna be here forever. Better grab them and tell them you love them before its too late. Visit more often. Make time because when its gone its a wrap.
Eddie helped me get my luggage in the back of the car. He's not as big as he used to be. He used to win all sorts of awards for bodybuilding back when we lived in NY. I think he's about 5 feet 9. His weight probably peaked at 235 which was super huge to a kid like me. Eddie had all these weight and fitness magazines which I'd use to help me learn to draw musclemen. This honed my appreciation for the male body but I'm not so much attracted to musclemen anymore. Not really. My experience has taught me they usually want other gym fit dudes like themselves so mostly now I just tune them out because I see so many these days. One day I'll get in better shape. Probably after I make my big move. To another state? Eddie told me he was having some work done on the internet connection at home. Mommy was out shopping for stuff to wear to the funeral. Her and Fatisha. Eddie and my mom have the wonkiest internet set-up I have ever seen. They are with this company called Brighthouse. Not sure whats up with the wi-fi at the house either. One minute its fine. The next you just get kicked offline for no reason. The wi-fi is not locked though so that could be a part of the problem. Folks stealing their bandwidth and shit. Also there could be some faulty wiring or spiritual activity causing interference with electrical stuff. The TV actually started turning down by itself and we couldn't really fix it. (Granny at some point in life saw fit to "annoint it"!) Plus there was some flickering lights once in awhile. Lightning actually struck Joshuas tv some years ago so maybe thats why stuff acts up. I dunno. I did know it was gonna be strange going back to the house with Eddie after he ran his errands and there would be no Granny coming out of her room to greet us. The only place she greets me now is in my dreams. I dreamt just the other day she was going to drive a car out of a garage but I had to clear a blocked path for her. Mom said Granny never drove a day of her life. My dreams often don't seem to make any sense (and they are plentiful) but the parapsychologist in me (of course) has to wonder if this is a message of some sort for me.Wouldn't that be a trip?
The week has gone by and needless to say I survived my Orlando (courtesy of BlueBerry Teddy Bear) adventure. The Super Shuttle came to pick me up from my house around 11pm Monday night for my flight to Orlando. For once I was actually packed and ready. The driver was a very nice brother. I forget his name but as we talked I came to understand he and I had some things in common. He's a comic collector for one. Dude also has his own business. This was the first time I actually had conversation with a driver the entire time of a trip. It was also one of the longest conversations I've had with another black man in awhile. Thats not counting my new buddy Jeremy I met at the local Ralphs about a month ago. Jeremy was in the market with his girlfriend and walked over to introduce himself after recognizing me from SonsofLegend. We have a mutual friend (Atomik Fairy) who did some editing on one of my SonsofLegend projects some time ago. Dude was very candid with me about some things he's working on and I am a firm believer that nothing happens by accident. He expressed genuine sorrow about my family situation as well. We talked about it. Its a funny thing how you can just receive one phone call which turns your whole world upside down. Its nice to know people can understand it when you appear out of it for a minute.
Fatisha my sister was the one who called me with the news about Granny passing. It had been a week earlier when I got the call Granny was admitted into the hospital because of pain and some swelling in her legs. They also found some cancer tissue. Nothing threatening though. Not from the cancer tissue. Turns out her kidneys were now only functioning at about 4%. This meant she would have to go on dialysis. I know one person on dialysis. We've not spoken in years but he told me all about the ordeal of having a machine helping your body filter out wastes because your kidneys fail and are unable to do it. Tubes stuck in you. Granny was from the old old school so I imagine she really wasn't quite understanding just what was going on. Some special measures had to be taken to prevent her from removing the tubes they put in her. It seemed she'd managed to somehow bounce back and they were able to bring her home but this only lasted for about a day because Granny was so out of it and in pain they had to take her back. Miss Big Nose (AKA:Beverly) called to warn me Granny might not bounce back from this and I assumed she would as she had always in the past. The thought had crossed my mind maybe I should start planning a trip. Then to get that phone call from Fatisha telling me Granny had passed away. The rug was pulled out from under me and the world seem to drop. Fatisha told me that I needed to call Mom and start making arrangements to come if I can. I had so many questions. How could this have happened? What happened? Fatisha had JUST left the hospital before Granny passed so she knew as much as I did. My brain turned to mush. It was simply one of those things that didn't seem real. I was trying to process everything. Joshuazilla hadn't been told yet so I couldn't write anything on facebook about it. I thank GOD BlueBerry TeddyBear took control and put a trip together for me. My job has 3 days bereavement leave so I took advantage of that. There was a black long sleeve shirt I'd picked up while in Wisconsin weeks ago. I decided to bring that along to wear to the funeral. I took the only real good pair of black pants I have too. These pants were used in a couple of SonsofLegend/DM episodes. Art imitates life.
It always blows my mind when I go to the airport late at night because theres always such a small number of people there. You usually don't have to wait long for anything. Of course check in is still a somewhat lengthy process. I miss life before 911. Theres the taking off of shoes and belts. You have to empty your pockets of everything. Anything metallic must come out/off. Jackets must be removed. I always have to take my PS3 and portable dvd player out which is a pain. The PSP has to come out. Sunglasses too. The reason I say its a pain is because its often an adventure getting everything into my bags then to have to take it all out and pack it again is an exercise in horror and frustration. Honestly I keep saying I'm going to master the art of packing light. This has yet to actually occur. I thank the gods I've not had to sit next to anyone particularly rude or weird in any of my trips. There was once this guy who seemed to give off a strange vibe and he kept looking over because I assume he thought I was looking at his laptop screen. For the most part I can control peripheral vision but some people have such crazy energy you just can't relax when they are sitting next to you. There have been a few times when I had a "talker" next to me. Usually this doesn't bother me. I'm pretty easy going and appreciate conversation because so many people don't really have anything worth saying. I just think alot of men in general are afraid to talk. Maybe the truth is they simply lack social skills. I'm not the most socially graceful person (far from it) but mama taught me to always be polite and to acknowledge folks when they speak to me. Theres a few people I have been seeing for years coming or going to work who have NEVER made any attempt to speak to me and ignored any attempt I made to say hello. I'm not kidding. SOme people are just mean ass SOBs you should simply avoid if you can. (Yep when it comes to people I have little patience for BS because of things I endured in my past. Don't need no crap from you because I've enough of my own to deal with thanks) I did meet a cool older white lady named Sandy coming back to LA on the plane. We talked pretty much the whole time. I enjoyed her. It was fun hearing her talk about her kids and her life. Hey look when you've had enough you can always just put on your headphones. Its not like you really have to have your music player on either. I mean how could they know right? Last week there was a guy on the train who was trying to get all in my face to ask for money even though the headphones were on and I was trying to stay in my zone. Theres always one. Scary subway/bus people. About time to start working on this driving thing methinks.
The flight to FLA was pretty cool. I got alittle sleep then I had a layover in Memphis. Didn't really eat anything other than the complimentary airplane nuts and pretzels because airport/plane food is costly and I'm on a budget. The poor broke filmmakers spending plan. Although I did ride first class. Not sure how that happened but its always cool when it does. People walk by and look over at you as if they are trying to figure out who you are or what makes you so special. Heh heh heh. Managed to watch two dvds on the trip. I always bring plenty of those along with some comics and music. Mostly the PSP is my music and videogame supplier on long trips. I rarely use it on planes for movies. Although its a different story when I'm home. The PSP and DS help me deal with anxiety on bus/train rides to/from work. So I utilize the movie function on these devices alot. By the way thank you Sony for all the free content. Truly.
I have to say Orlando and Detroit have the biggest airports I have ever seen. Detroit and Florida even have their own trains to shuttle you to the terminals. Gotta give Detroit props for the trippy tunnel you have to walk thru to get to baggage claim. When they only give you like 15 minutes to get to your terminal you sometimes have to make a mad dash to your plane. Earlier this year I missed a flight (along with about thirty other people)because our pilot was almost an hour late and the connecting airport in miniapolis is gigantic. Even being rushed to the terminal in a cart wasn't enough to make the flight! Ended up staying opvernight in a hotel courtesy of Delta. (But a $12 dollar voucher for food in an airport Delta? REALLY???) When I did finally get to Orlando Tues morning I had to wait half an hour before Eddie (my step dad who has been married to Mommy since the meteor killed the dinosaurs) arrived. To say I was glad to be out of that air conditioned airport is an understatment. But I quickly had to come out of my hoodie because the sun was in full effect. Its interesting I've already been to Florida three times this year and how familiar this place is becoming to me. I plan a move for sometime this year. Hopefully I can afford it. It would be nice being closer to family. Florida is not ideal for a person like me who doesn't have a car. I'm thinking New York or Canada may be my next destinations. Europe? As the years go by the ties of family seem to grow even more important. Plus its always fun being around those you grew up with. Granny spent so much time in a rest home and I always used to fantasize about living in a big house where she was able to have her own room and all. Sometimes recently I wondered if she were alone too much. At least in the rest home she had a sort of social life. Living with my mom she was home alot because everyone else is working. Bev and Eddie would have been able to spend more time with her. Eddie is retired now I think and Miss Big Nose moved from Jersey to be closer to Mom and Eddie. Also Florida is hella cheaper than Jersey. If only Granny had lived long enough to see me finally take that walk on the red carpet in Hollywood. Its important to me that my family feels proud of me. Granny's passing made me realize that even though I have not become the person I want my parents to be proud of (not exactly) these are important years that can not be allowed to slip away. Joshua's current relationship with me is the cautionary tale of what happens when you wait too long trying to make your life perfect enough so that you feel you can bring something to the equation. Granny's passing is also a reminder to me most people are probably not gonna be here forever. Better grab them and tell them you love them before its too late. Visit more often. Make time because when its gone its a wrap.
Eddie helped me get my luggage in the back of the car. He's not as big as he used to be. He used to win all sorts of awards for bodybuilding back when we lived in NY. I think he's about 5 feet 9. His weight probably peaked at 235 which was super huge to a kid like me. Eddie had all these weight and fitness magazines which I'd use to help me learn to draw musclemen. This honed my appreciation for the male body but I'm not so much attracted to musclemen anymore. Not really. My experience has taught me they usually want other gym fit dudes like themselves so mostly now I just tune them out because I see so many these days. One day I'll get in better shape. Probably after I make my big move. To another state? Eddie told me he was having some work done on the internet connection at home. Mommy was out shopping for stuff to wear to the funeral. Her and Fatisha. Eddie and my mom have the wonkiest internet set-up I have ever seen. They are with this company called Brighthouse. Not sure whats up with the wi-fi at the house either. One minute its fine. The next you just get kicked offline for no reason. The wi-fi is not locked though so that could be a part of the problem. Folks stealing their bandwidth and shit. Also there could be some faulty wiring or spiritual activity causing interference with electrical stuff. The TV actually started turning down by itself and we couldn't really fix it. (Granny at some point in life saw fit to "annoint it"!) Plus there was some flickering lights once in awhile. Lightning actually struck Joshuas tv some years ago so maybe thats why stuff acts up. I dunno. I did know it was gonna be strange going back to the house with Eddie after he ran his errands and there would be no Granny coming out of her room to greet us. The only place she greets me now is in my dreams. I dreamt just the other day she was going to drive a car out of a garage but I had to clear a blocked path for her. Mom said Granny never drove a day of her life. My dreams often don't seem to make any sense (and they are plentiful) but the parapsychologist in me (of course) has to wonder if this is a message of some sort for me.Wouldn't that be a trip?
Sunday, August 19, 2012
A SOMEWHAT BITTERSWEET NUMBNESS
This has been an interesting month. To say the least. I got a chance to spend some more quality time with Blueberry Teddybear because for a B-day present he flew me to visit him in Wisconsin last week a day after I shot what will definitely be my last episode for awhile now. In light of recent events. I'd planned to take a break anyway but now I think the writing is on the wall. My sister called me a few hours ago to tell me something I wasn't quite ready to hear. I don't think you're ever ready to hear such things in all honesty. My Grandmother passed away today mere weeks after her kidney functions fell to 4 percent. I feel numb. And at the same time I feel this great sorrow. An emptiness. This woman who raised me and who I have such strong memory of being healthy and robust is now gone on to another place. I imagine it will be awhile before I see her again. This whole world has gotten so crazy so I can take some comfort that she will not have to feel the pain of watching things fall apart. The economy. All the terrorist threats. Crazy people going into theaters and killing innocents. And the pain associated with a bunch of tubes stuck in you helping you breathe,eat and eliminate waste....its all gone now. She's looking down on all of us now. Those of us who have to stay here in this place....a shadow of what it once was.
I have to start planning a trip back east now. Maybe I'll let Blueberry Teddybear do it. He's so good with this stuff. Planning. Right now my brain just feels....stumped. Paused. I'm so glad I got the chance to see and hug Granny back in June/july. when I went to Joshuas graduation. At least I got a photo of her I took on my cellphone. At least I got to talk to her on the phone a week ago. Kinda drugged and a bit out of it but at least coherent enough to speak with me if only a few moments. I owe my mothers mother and my dads mother alot. Really. They took care of me and they really didn't have to. Some would have given up on me. I have to take this stuff into account when I deal with other people. Damaged goods. The under dog no one wants to be bothered with. Because dealing with damaged goods is never easy. Its often risky. You never know what the payoff will be. I guess you just hope for the best and focus on what good you can see in these people. They rasied me the best they could. I didn't have the perfect life but at least it helped shaped me into a non-knucklehead. Which is more than what I can say about so many other guys. So many.
I remember Granny
walking with me
on my bike
on those training wheels.
Early sunny morning adventures
alongside a long country road.
I remember Granny
baking biscuit puddings
and we ran and hid under that seemingly gigantic grape vine structure
behind the house
close to where Killer slept
Killer the big black dog
so friendly
so smart
he could "Gimme 5"
(I wonder how long it took Andre to teach him that one?)
I remember Granny
rubbing vicks on me
to soothe my aching throat.
Just as I recall scaring her with those big ole
green juicy
tobacco worms.
One of the earliest memories I have
is catching her off guard
with a stream of baby pee.
(Why can I remember that? Was it THAT funny?)
Granny was so good at taking care of us
she even took care of other youngins.
Seems theres always youngins
who need taking care of.
Great Granny I remember you
so dark and so kind
such long beautiful hair.
I recall sitting on your lap
with my sister.
You were so cold
we didn't understand why you didn't move.
And I think someone was humming a song nearby
a symbol of respect and homage to a life lived well
a good person gone from this place.
Granny I remember you
laying there
in the hospital
so frail.
Sickly.
Passing in and out of wellness.
Often you'd surprise us
recover so completely
we'd gladly whisk you away
right back to the house.
Things would go back to normal
for awhile.
Then we'd have to take you
right back to those
sterile smelling hallways.
Cold.
Long.
So much jello.
Poor Granny
you had such a hard time getting me up for school.
I don't think you knew how much I suffered at that place.
Then sometimes I think you did know
the pain of being different.
Oftentimes I'd catch you
talking to the spirits.
I never said anything because I didn't quite understand then.
I do now.
I remember you did your best
you were there more than anyone else
both of you.
With your wisdom
your discipline
and your strength
because you lived such a long time.
My heart is broken
but life will go on
some semblance of sameness
yet not the same
because you are gone from it.
I will carry the love you gave me within me forever.
I love you.
I miss you.
But I am glad your pain has ended.
You've passed beyond it.
I was truly honored to know you.
****
The tears finally came. It wasn't much. Just enough to let me know I can still feel SOMETHING.
There was no sobbing. Just the sudden painful realization my grandmother was gone. She'd looked so frail the last time I saw her and it was so hard to see her barely able to recognize her own family. But at least someone was there when she passed. Beverly was right there in the hospital when Granny laid her head back and went code blue. She says the docs and nurses swarmed into the hospital room and got her out of there while they went to work on Granny. They did all they could but Granny....she was probably tired and her body had had enough. She lived a good life. Now we have to live for her.
She will always be with us and alive in our memories.
****
Last Sundays shoot went well. Nevermind the fact four actors bailed on me. What a mess that could have been. Still the cast and crew I had/have are real troopers. Soldiers (as the youngins like to say these days). We shot one scene in a donut shop nearby my apartment building. The scene involved Devin/Damon having some flashbacks as he contemplated the future. Afterwards a new recruit came inside to chat with him for a few moments. This new recruit is someone I met at the super market last month. A really cool guy named Jeremy. He was at the market with his girlfriend and walked over to introduce himself as he'd seen my webseries SonsofLegend. Jeremy was down to help my series any way he possibly could. I most definitely NEED people like this guy on my team for real. He actually ended up being a stand in for another actor. I reworked the scene a bit but we were able to get it done. When that was done we went over to my job to film an exterior scene with Benjamin,Damon,Monte and me. Like I said we had like four cancellations (Two people said they couldn't get to the location. Two said they were sick or had family emergencies)so changes had to be made. I had to cut a scene out I really wanted to shoot but we got a cool outdoor scene instead with Monte trying to kill Jeremy. Man was it hot outside too. Speaking of outside....it was there that one of the more bizarre moments of the day occurred. This guy who had flaked on me a few times before walked up during filming to ask the DP (Aaron)how he could get in on the action. Aaron was like "Theres the man you need to talk to". Dude must have not recognized me because I was wearing sunglasses. But the look on his face was like...."I am sooooooo BUSTED" I politely reminded him he'd flaked on me before and we had a slight conversation. The whole thing felt so bloody awkward though. Just a week before I'd run into this red headed dude who seemed to be cool but abruptly cut me off his friends list on facebook when I ran across him on another site where he was a bit more candid with his sexual preference. As if I would ever judge someone. I suspect he may be having unprotected sex with people. Just as I suspect he may be HIV+. Don't know for sure but due to a drawn out debate we had last year over HIV my flags are up. This is a guy who used to visit me at my job. I wanted to cast him in SOL. But he's another one of those confused brothers who appears to be running from his own sexuality. He walked right past me like he didn't even see me. People often go out of their way to make me feel WEIRD but I swear sometimes I feel like the only sane person in a world that gets more insane by the second.
Danielzilla came by earlier to borrow my fog machine for something he's shooting. Danielzilla was my roomie many moons ago. He directed a few DragonManx episodes for me. After the last one I let him direct I swore I'd never be on set with him again. Yes he has talent and he's cheap but we clash too much and he is soooooo freaking stubborn. I have to remind myself of these things when in moments of weakness I think of hiring him for a project. Aaron is great at what he does but he's expensive. Maybe $600.00 a day isn't high to some folks but as an indie filmmaker I am trying to save every penny I can. Methinks the day is fast approaching when I get my own equipment. I did by the way direct the last project. More like co-directed. I am learning alot though. Maybe I need to get serious about going into business for myself as a filmmaker this year. I am keeping my receipts and doing more contracts. Need to get some real financial backing though. I keep saying that I need that one big project to make me into a viable producer/writer. SonsofLegend ep 10 (which is slated to come out this month) might be that project. The time is now for me to focus on getting all the footage I have edited. Granny's death has taught me something. I need to slow down and spend more time with my family. Time is the one thing you don't really get back once its gone.
This has been an interesting month. To say the least. I got a chance to spend some more quality time with Blueberry Teddybear because for a B-day present he flew me to visit him in Wisconsin last week a day after I shot what will definitely be my last episode for awhile now. In light of recent events. I'd planned to take a break anyway but now I think the writing is on the wall. My sister called me a few hours ago to tell me something I wasn't quite ready to hear. I don't think you're ever ready to hear such things in all honesty. My Grandmother passed away today mere weeks after her kidney functions fell to 4 percent. I feel numb. And at the same time I feel this great sorrow. An emptiness. This woman who raised me and who I have such strong memory of being healthy and robust is now gone on to another place. I imagine it will be awhile before I see her again. This whole world has gotten so crazy so I can take some comfort that she will not have to feel the pain of watching things fall apart. The economy. All the terrorist threats. Crazy people going into theaters and killing innocents. And the pain associated with a bunch of tubes stuck in you helping you breathe,eat and eliminate waste....its all gone now. She's looking down on all of us now. Those of us who have to stay here in this place....a shadow of what it once was.
I have to start planning a trip back east now. Maybe I'll let Blueberry Teddybear do it. He's so good with this stuff. Planning. Right now my brain just feels....stumped. Paused. I'm so glad I got the chance to see and hug Granny back in June/july. when I went to Joshuas graduation. At least I got a photo of her I took on my cellphone. At least I got to talk to her on the phone a week ago. Kinda drugged and a bit out of it but at least coherent enough to speak with me if only a few moments. I owe my mothers mother and my dads mother alot. Really. They took care of me and they really didn't have to. Some would have given up on me. I have to take this stuff into account when I deal with other people. Damaged goods. The under dog no one wants to be bothered with. Because dealing with damaged goods is never easy. Its often risky. You never know what the payoff will be. I guess you just hope for the best and focus on what good you can see in these people. They rasied me the best they could. I didn't have the perfect life but at least it helped shaped me into a non-knucklehead. Which is more than what I can say about so many other guys. So many.
I remember Granny
walking with me
on my bike
on those training wheels.
Early sunny morning adventures
alongside a long country road.
I remember Granny
baking biscuit puddings
and we ran and hid under that seemingly gigantic grape vine structure
behind the house
close to where Killer slept
Killer the big black dog
so friendly
so smart
he could "Gimme 5"
(I wonder how long it took Andre to teach him that one?)
I remember Granny
rubbing vicks on me
to soothe my aching throat.
Just as I recall scaring her with those big ole
green juicy
tobacco worms.
One of the earliest memories I have
is catching her off guard
with a stream of baby pee.
(Why can I remember that? Was it THAT funny?)
Granny was so good at taking care of us
she even took care of other youngins.
Seems theres always youngins
who need taking care of.
Great Granny I remember you
so dark and so kind
such long beautiful hair.
I recall sitting on your lap
with my sister.
You were so cold
we didn't understand why you didn't move.
And I think someone was humming a song nearby
a symbol of respect and homage to a life lived well
a good person gone from this place.
Granny I remember you
laying there
in the hospital
so frail.
Sickly.
Passing in and out of wellness.
Often you'd surprise us
recover so completely
we'd gladly whisk you away
right back to the house.
Things would go back to normal
for awhile.
Then we'd have to take you
right back to those
sterile smelling hallways.
Cold.
Long.
So much jello.
Poor Granny
you had such a hard time getting me up for school.
I don't think you knew how much I suffered at that place.
Then sometimes I think you did know
the pain of being different.
Oftentimes I'd catch you
talking to the spirits.
I never said anything because I didn't quite understand then.
I do now.
I remember you did your best
you were there more than anyone else
both of you.
With your wisdom
your discipline
and your strength
because you lived such a long time.
My heart is broken
but life will go on
some semblance of sameness
yet not the same
because you are gone from it.
I will carry the love you gave me within me forever.
I love you.
I miss you.
But I am glad your pain has ended.
You've passed beyond it.
I was truly honored to know you.
****
The tears finally came. It wasn't much. Just enough to let me know I can still feel SOMETHING.
There was no sobbing. Just the sudden painful realization my grandmother was gone. She'd looked so frail the last time I saw her and it was so hard to see her barely able to recognize her own family. But at least someone was there when she passed. Beverly was right there in the hospital when Granny laid her head back and went code blue. She says the docs and nurses swarmed into the hospital room and got her out of there while they went to work on Granny. They did all they could but Granny....she was probably tired and her body had had enough. She lived a good life. Now we have to live for her.
She will always be with us and alive in our memories.
****
Last Sundays shoot went well. Nevermind the fact four actors bailed on me. What a mess that could have been. Still the cast and crew I had/have are real troopers. Soldiers (as the youngins like to say these days). We shot one scene in a donut shop nearby my apartment building. The scene involved Devin/Damon having some flashbacks as he contemplated the future. Afterwards a new recruit came inside to chat with him for a few moments. This new recruit is someone I met at the super market last month. A really cool guy named Jeremy. He was at the market with his girlfriend and walked over to introduce himself as he'd seen my webseries SonsofLegend. Jeremy was down to help my series any way he possibly could. I most definitely NEED people like this guy on my team for real. He actually ended up being a stand in for another actor. I reworked the scene a bit but we were able to get it done. When that was done we went over to my job to film an exterior scene with Benjamin,Damon,Monte and me. Like I said we had like four cancellations (Two people said they couldn't get to the location. Two said they were sick or had family emergencies)so changes had to be made. I had to cut a scene out I really wanted to shoot but we got a cool outdoor scene instead with Monte trying to kill Jeremy. Man was it hot outside too. Speaking of outside....it was there that one of the more bizarre moments of the day occurred. This guy who had flaked on me a few times before walked up during filming to ask the DP (Aaron)how he could get in on the action. Aaron was like "Theres the man you need to talk to". Dude must have not recognized me because I was wearing sunglasses. But the look on his face was like...."I am sooooooo BUSTED" I politely reminded him he'd flaked on me before and we had a slight conversation. The whole thing felt so bloody awkward though. Just a week before I'd run into this red headed dude who seemed to be cool but abruptly cut me off his friends list on facebook when I ran across him on another site where he was a bit more candid with his sexual preference. As if I would ever judge someone. I suspect he may be having unprotected sex with people. Just as I suspect he may be HIV+. Don't know for sure but due to a drawn out debate we had last year over HIV my flags are up. This is a guy who used to visit me at my job. I wanted to cast him in SOL. But he's another one of those confused brothers who appears to be running from his own sexuality. He walked right past me like he didn't even see me. People often go out of their way to make me feel WEIRD but I swear sometimes I feel like the only sane person in a world that gets more insane by the second.
Danielzilla came by earlier to borrow my fog machine for something he's shooting. Danielzilla was my roomie many moons ago. He directed a few DragonManx episodes for me. After the last one I let him direct I swore I'd never be on set with him again. Yes he has talent and he's cheap but we clash too much and he is soooooo freaking stubborn. I have to remind myself of these things when in moments of weakness I think of hiring him for a project. Aaron is great at what he does but he's expensive. Maybe $600.00 a day isn't high to some folks but as an indie filmmaker I am trying to save every penny I can. Methinks the day is fast approaching when I get my own equipment. I did by the way direct the last project. More like co-directed. I am learning alot though. Maybe I need to get serious about going into business for myself as a filmmaker this year. I am keeping my receipts and doing more contracts. Need to get some real financial backing though. I keep saying that I need that one big project to make me into a viable producer/writer. SonsofLegend ep 10 (which is slated to come out this month) might be that project. The time is now for me to focus on getting all the footage I have edited. Granny's death has taught me something. I need to slow down and spend more time with my family. Time is the one thing you don't really get back once its gone.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
TO MR AND MRS WHITE WASHED ENT INDUSTRY……
I love you videogames
Comic books
Cartoons
Action packed epic heroic movies.
I love how you let me escape this crazy world we live in
When I need a break.
I buy your products
Watch your movies
Mr and Mrs
Yet you constantly overlook me.
You accuse me of being racist when I complain
That I don’t see myself
In your expressive mediums.
Is it my right to say something
When over the years
I have given you
So many thousands of my hard earned currency
A fortune even.
Enough to invest in a business(?)
Yet I chose to invest in you.
You have entertained and inspired me its true
Still we don’t look like you.
And I’m beginning to think
YOU JUST DON’T CARE
About us.
I guess Michael was right when he said
THEY DON’T REALLY CARE ABOUT US.
But I wonder how much would you care
if enough of us got together
then decided
We were not going
Keep paying you
For overlooking us.
Hey….
Our kids need some fantastical role models too.
Preferably those
Who do not get killed off promptly
Or who have
Totally useless superpowers.
Get right
Enough is enough.
I love you (ALOT) but I will leave you.
I love you videogames
Comic books
Cartoons
Action packed epic heroic movies.
I love how you let me escape this crazy world we live in
When I need a break.
I buy your products
Watch your movies
Mr and Mrs
Yet you constantly overlook me.
You accuse me of being racist when I complain
That I don’t see myself
In your expressive mediums.
Is it my right to say something
When over the years
I have given you
So many thousands of my hard earned currency
A fortune even.
Enough to invest in a business(?)
Yet I chose to invest in you.
You have entertained and inspired me its true
Still we don’t look like you.
And I’m beginning to think
YOU JUST DON’T CARE
About us.
I guess Michael was right when he said
THEY DON’T REALLY CARE ABOUT US.
But I wonder how much would you care
if enough of us got together
then decided
We were not going
Keep paying you
For overlooking us.
Hey….
Our kids need some fantastical role models too.
Preferably those
Who do not get killed off promptly
Or who have
Totally useless superpowers.
Get right
Enough is enough.
I love you (ALOT) but I will leave you.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Making sense of all these things.
I have a crush. Several actually. I haven't dared to act upon this stuff. I mean.... But still at times the irony of it all bugs me. One guy took me off his facebook friend list without warning when I ran across him on another site. My guess is it bothered him that I saw him putting himself out there as an openly bi man and he didn't want to deal with explaining himself. As if he had to. Hey I don't judge people. People do the strangest things sometimes. Often it seems to be no rhyme or reason to their madness but the truth is alot of them are simply running from themselves. That stage in my life lasted for all of three months. People like Frank Ocean are making it easier for people to come clean in accepting their sexual complexities yet its still difficult (moreso for black men) to get out of that proverbial closet. I met the dude I'm talking about on the train going to work last year. We connected because he saw me playing videogames on my psp. He remarked about it being old school or something and I immediately decided I wanted to cast him because of his exotic looks. Its not very often I encounter black men with red hair and that shit is so sexy. The way he carried himself was really cool too. Masculine. Confident. Smart. Then in some ways not so smart. I remember getting into VERY public debates with this guy on Facebook over HIV. Sometimes I wonder if he is HIV himself and in denial because he would say stuff like HIV is in the mind and that it doesn't exist. Me being someone who works within the gay community and someone who has seen Aids destroy lives completely disagreed with his views. HE was coming across like some ignant country bumpkin without life experience who didn't know much of anything about anything. He did admit to me he was open to bisexuality at one point. But if he's sleeping around without condoms....and looking the way he does he can pretty much have anyone he wants....with that state of mind about HIV he's a danger to anyone he comes into contact with. I've not seen or heard from him in awhile. Sometimes I see him pass by the building I work in but he would just keep going without bothering to stop. Is he ashamed I might know his secret or am I way off course here in my thinking? Sometimes I know people better than they know themselves. Sometimes.
My second crush is someone I used to date years ago. He's a sexy baldheaded darkskinned brother with diabetes. I can still remember when he used to stick himself in the abdomen with that needle. Seemed he was kinda annoyed with me most of the time. Not sure what to make of my intense feelings for him yet somewhat amused by it all. Amused also by my affection which was something he seemed unable to return for whatever reason. I think now years later and much more muscular than the stocky build he once had; dude has come to realize what he had in me back then had far more value than he appreciated. Its not an easy thing to find someone decent with morals and an ability to overlook your flaws. In my opinion folks only come to miss these things after they have allowed them to slip thru their fingers. All I can think of is how rejected and unappreciated I felt at the time. Yes people change and all but forgiveness is something I've yet to master. Mostly I have a hard time believing things will be any different the second time around. So I admire him from afar. I resist the urge to call. Listening to him talk I feel I'd never measure up to his criteria anyway. Plus I am seeing someone. Someone who says all the right things. He gives me space. (Maybe too much) He respects my goals and really goes out of his way to keep me happy. I genuinely care for Blue berry teddy bear although at times I think the distance thing is working against us. I dunno. Perhaps one day I will move with him and then we'll both live happily ever after. It is interesting though that as time goes by and I become more successful in life people from the past are starting to come out of the woodwork from my past. Some of them are looking at me in different ways. Some of these crushes....people I have often fantasized about could oneday become good friends. I am mostly convinced you get that one chance in time and then its gone. You shouldn't look back. Some dreams have to die so that we can grow into better persons. Should I allow you a chance to be with me now that all is well in my life when back when I really needed you there was absolutely NOTHING you wanted to do with me? An hour or two of pleasure which may or may not turn out how I imagine. Is that worth me putting aside my pride to let you (back)in? Should I let you victimize and dominate as we consumate long denied passions? I think I should save those passions for the truly special person who without a doubt instantly recognized the value of Sergio when you turned Sergio away for kisses from toads who'd harmfully over the years infect you in more ways than one. Its a crazy world we live in and none of us go untainted. My feelings never went away but I learned how to turn them off when I came to understand you were no good for me.
I loved you man but
you loved that alcohol more
so much more than me.
And you loved your drugs
so much
you put yourself in some crazy situations
in and out of jail
now with a compromised immune system
you attempt to reach out to me
but you are a shadow of the person I once knew.
You love your cancer sticks so much man
couldn't kick them
then you said
I was not on your level financially.
I wonder how much longer will you be single?
Its been some years.
Can you change enough to let someone love you?
I think you may have become immune to these thoughts my brother.
I tried to love you.
Tried to love those long drug fried brain cells.
I tried.
You won't even date other black men
so its not like I ever had a chance.
then you told me
you only dated others with the fever.
Make up your mind man
I'm confused
by your bitter
sardonic
catty
womanlike behavior.
Sometimes I get the notion I remind you of
whoever stole your humanity.
Forgive me for trying to love you.
It won't happen again.
Keeping my distance from you brother.
This well has run dry.
You look so swole now
It conceals your age well
Not that I ever cared
that you lied about that.
All the youngins are all over you
until they find out
what you are really like.
Impossible to please.
Unhappy.
Unrelenting negativity
You want love so badly
even if you are unequiped to deal with it.
I wonder if the problem is you love yourself too much or not enough?
Whats left over for anyone else who tries to get close to you?
For love to prosper
you can't just walk away and leave it.
It needs your nourishment.
Your ATTENTION.
Look I've outgrown you man
but we can still be friends.
At a distance.
Stop flirting with me.
You held me
came close to more
than the brief moment of pleasure
we're still friends
(on facebook)
I see you are happy these days
still single
(What does that word really mean?)
Looking better.
Sometimes the "what if" thoughts hit me.
Still we fell out of touch.
No going back.
What am I holding on to?
Some kind of hope.
You are waaaaaay more advanced than I am
wouldn't fit in your world
Probably.
What is my problem?
I don't know everything do I?
Maybe when it comes to men I do.
I think you are still a HO
on some levels.
Too immature to settle down
or too unfocused.
I can relate to the focus thing.
You had me
then want me
Now you pop up
call me up
although I can scarcely recognize you.
Life has been hard on you brother.
Real hard.
Truth is I fell out of love with you
many moons ago.
Gave up on the idea you would want me
how I wanted you.
Now you do
so lonely man
with your back and forth quitting the gay life.
You never gave up
even if I can't give you what you want.
You look at me like
theres something you wanna say.
You are so sometimey
got used to not having you around
You used to live with me
and I am having such a HARD time understanding just what it is about you
that I can't get this shit out of my head.
Pheremone emmissions?
The voice?
The skin?
Those little not so subtle come ons
but come on
we both know we are not sexually compatible.
Or did you change your mind?
You said I was an abomination because of my lifestyle
You said the timing is always off with us
and you flirt over the phone but do absolutely NOTHING in person.
You shut me out of your life
now you wanna come back.
You still make passes at me
even though you know I've moved on
and you are seeing someone.
Do any of you REALLY know what you want?
Am I stuck in the past?
Why can't I forget
what it felt like
to be with you?
You did me wrong
But I can't forget your scent.
Or the hardness of your body
your breath on my skin.
Its been so long
yet dare I reach out in friendship?
Keep telling myself
some things are better left in the past.
You care not so why should I?
Do any of us REALLY know what we want?
No matter how enticing the fantasy might be
theres someone in my life now who saw/sees something in me
something all of YOU walked away from.
So I'm walking away from you CRUSHES.
Maybe I WILL always love you
but for my sanity's sake it must remain from a distance.
My second crush is someone I used to date years ago. He's a sexy baldheaded darkskinned brother with diabetes. I can still remember when he used to stick himself in the abdomen with that needle. Seemed he was kinda annoyed with me most of the time. Not sure what to make of my intense feelings for him yet somewhat amused by it all. Amused also by my affection which was something he seemed unable to return for whatever reason. I think now years later and much more muscular than the stocky build he once had; dude has come to realize what he had in me back then had far more value than he appreciated. Its not an easy thing to find someone decent with morals and an ability to overlook your flaws. In my opinion folks only come to miss these things after they have allowed them to slip thru their fingers. All I can think of is how rejected and unappreciated I felt at the time. Yes people change and all but forgiveness is something I've yet to master. Mostly I have a hard time believing things will be any different the second time around. So I admire him from afar. I resist the urge to call. Listening to him talk I feel I'd never measure up to his criteria anyway. Plus I am seeing someone. Someone who says all the right things. He gives me space. (Maybe too much) He respects my goals and really goes out of his way to keep me happy. I genuinely care for Blue berry teddy bear although at times I think the distance thing is working against us. I dunno. Perhaps one day I will move with him and then we'll both live happily ever after. It is interesting though that as time goes by and I become more successful in life people from the past are starting to come out of the woodwork from my past. Some of them are looking at me in different ways. Some of these crushes....people I have often fantasized about could oneday become good friends. I am mostly convinced you get that one chance in time and then its gone. You shouldn't look back. Some dreams have to die so that we can grow into better persons. Should I allow you a chance to be with me now that all is well in my life when back when I really needed you there was absolutely NOTHING you wanted to do with me? An hour or two of pleasure which may or may not turn out how I imagine. Is that worth me putting aside my pride to let you (back)in? Should I let you victimize and dominate as we consumate long denied passions? I think I should save those passions for the truly special person who without a doubt instantly recognized the value of Sergio when you turned Sergio away for kisses from toads who'd harmfully over the years infect you in more ways than one. Its a crazy world we live in and none of us go untainted. My feelings never went away but I learned how to turn them off when I came to understand you were no good for me.
I loved you man but
you loved that alcohol more
so much more than me.
And you loved your drugs
so much
you put yourself in some crazy situations
in and out of jail
now with a compromised immune system
you attempt to reach out to me
but you are a shadow of the person I once knew.
You love your cancer sticks so much man
couldn't kick them
then you said
I was not on your level financially.
I wonder how much longer will you be single?
Its been some years.
Can you change enough to let someone love you?
I think you may have become immune to these thoughts my brother.
I tried to love you.
Tried to love those long drug fried brain cells.
I tried.
You won't even date other black men
so its not like I ever had a chance.
then you told me
you only dated others with the fever.
Make up your mind man
I'm confused
by your bitter
sardonic
catty
womanlike behavior.
Sometimes I get the notion I remind you of
whoever stole your humanity.
Forgive me for trying to love you.
It won't happen again.
Keeping my distance from you brother.
This well has run dry.
You look so swole now
It conceals your age well
Not that I ever cared
that you lied about that.
All the youngins are all over you
until they find out
what you are really like.
Impossible to please.
Unhappy.
Unrelenting negativity
You want love so badly
even if you are unequiped to deal with it.
I wonder if the problem is you love yourself too much or not enough?
Whats left over for anyone else who tries to get close to you?
For love to prosper
you can't just walk away and leave it.
It needs your nourishment.
Your ATTENTION.
Look I've outgrown you man
but we can still be friends.
At a distance.
Stop flirting with me.
You held me
came close to more
than the brief moment of pleasure
we're still friends
(on facebook)
I see you are happy these days
still single
(What does that word really mean?)
Looking better.
Sometimes the "what if" thoughts hit me.
Still we fell out of touch.
No going back.
What am I holding on to?
Some kind of hope.
You are waaaaaay more advanced than I am
wouldn't fit in your world
Probably.
What is my problem?
I don't know everything do I?
Maybe when it comes to men I do.
I think you are still a HO
on some levels.
Too immature to settle down
or too unfocused.
I can relate to the focus thing.
You had me
then want me
Now you pop up
call me up
although I can scarcely recognize you.
Life has been hard on you brother.
Real hard.
Truth is I fell out of love with you
many moons ago.
Gave up on the idea you would want me
how I wanted you.
Now you do
so lonely man
with your back and forth quitting the gay life.
You never gave up
even if I can't give you what you want.
You look at me like
theres something you wanna say.
You are so sometimey
got used to not having you around
You used to live with me
and I am having such a HARD time understanding just what it is about you
that I can't get this shit out of my head.
Pheremone emmissions?
The voice?
The skin?
Those little not so subtle come ons
but come on
we both know we are not sexually compatible.
Or did you change your mind?
You said I was an abomination because of my lifestyle
You said the timing is always off with us
and you flirt over the phone but do absolutely NOTHING in person.
You shut me out of your life
now you wanna come back.
You still make passes at me
even though you know I've moved on
and you are seeing someone.
Do any of you REALLY know what you want?
Am I stuck in the past?
Why can't I forget
what it felt like
to be with you?
You did me wrong
But I can't forget your scent.
Or the hardness of your body
your breath on my skin.
Its been so long
yet dare I reach out in friendship?
Keep telling myself
some things are better left in the past.
You care not so why should I?
Do any of us REALLY know what we want?
No matter how enticing the fantasy might be
theres someone in my life now who saw/sees something in me
something all of YOU walked away from.
So I'm walking away from you CRUSHES.
Maybe I WILL always love you
but for my sanity's sake it must remain from a distance.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
(Soundtrack to this blog courtesy of Pandora via THE FOREIGN EXCHANGE channel)
Its been a roller coaster for me the past few weeks. Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. There has just been so much going on. I just found out my Grandma is having kidney issues. I thought I was gonna have to fly out to see her because her condition got so bad. My sister called me last week to tell me Granny was in the hospital. After talking with my mother it was revealed Granny had a bunch of fluid build-up in her legs and they had to take her to the hospital where they found a growth in her colon. Also it turns out her kidneys were at 4 percent. So she will have to have a machine to take the place of her kidneys. I know a guy who has the same thing. He's like my age but his condition was likely caused by his HIV. Granny is 86 and health issues are to be expected yet when these things happen its never easy. Especially when I keep remembering youthful and vibrant Granny from my childhood. Now she has memory loss and seems a shadow of her former self. This is very sad to see a person go through this. She seemed to be getting better after spending some time in the hospital but when they brought her home she got pretty bad off again so they now have to keep her in the hospital. Granny is having trouble with her legs too. Right now they are saying she is unable to walk but in time with therapy she can regain her strength. I am at work feeling so much emotion but no tears are flowing. Maybe I'm too tired. The last few days I had a pretty bad headache that took its sweet time leaving. This seems to happen every few months. Its likely sinus related but next time I have to go get myself checked out. I'm not sleeping very well because of my pigeon problem on the balcony. Plus I have as usual been stressing over finances. Right now I am producing two webseries,a cartoon and a comic. Stress had me down last month when I had a cold which lasted so long I went to get an HIV test just to make sure. Having a boyfriend helps things yet there are times it gets hard as we only see each other maybe once every couple of months. Everyone has problems and I realize some folks are dealing with things that would make me cry because I can't rescue them. Knowing this helps me keep things in perspective. Having outlets help too. I have to thank my higher power for giving me a way to channel stuff. A way to express. A way out.
In another week I will be getting another SonsofLegend episode done. Episode 11. THis will be my last film project of the year. Gonna make it special. The script is pretty fun. It has alot going on and definitely raises the bar as far as story content and cohesion go. The special effects will rock as well. This episode is probably gonna be about ten minutes long because theres alot of things happening. There will be flashbacks utilizing as yet unseen footage. There might be an epilogue at the end too. Depends on how I feel when we wrap on the main stuff. My goal is to have an 8 hour day. Then I am getting flown out to wisconsin to see my partner the next day. Basically the ultimate birthday present. Hopefully I'll be rested enough for the flight. Ugh. I am not too big with planes but it is what it is. Turbulence sorta freaks me out. So anyway the day of our SOL shoot starts at 4am. This is because I was able to talk one of the owners of the donut shop into allowing me to have my crew shoot a scene in their dining area. Only catch is if we want good sound we have to come an hour before opening which is 5am. I'm excited though. Some of the guys are helping with production. Its a good time to be in the biz of making superhero films. Recent events almost put a damper on things you know. What with the Batman shooting in Colorado. This upset me so badly that some nutcase cast such a dark shadow on such a great film. Personally I believe he was possessed. Its hard to think otherwise. Its so crazy that the world has become so insane that folks can't even take their families to the movies in peace. Sometimes its almost as if we are gradually losing our freedom. It makes me wish I could simply pack up and go live on another planet. Just to get away from all the forces trying to tear happiness away from us. Speaking of moving my sister Beverly AKA:Miss Big Nose. is trying to get me to come stay with her in Orlando. Miss Big Nose moved from Jersey after her hubby died several months ago. Curtis was one of the coolest guys I ever had the pleasure of meeting. I miss him. Truly good people do not come a dime a dozen let me tell you. I could stay in Orlando for a few months to decompress for sure but I wouldn't stay there. You know? NY or Cali is where a filmmaker ought to be. I think so. Yes I do NEED a break from Cali. It would be nice to spend more time with family as I take a break from filming. Its gonna sound crazy but sometimes I think filmmaking makes me stupid. (Laughs) My mind gets so bogged down with creative stuff that other things just don't even seem to matter. This bothers me at times. Theres memory loss. Absentmindedness. And yep I am eccentric. theres like 90 percent of my brain dedicated to creativity and the other 10 is for everything else. I thinks some of the people in my life understand this and thats why they overlook some of my behavior. I truly at times am unsure whether I'm coming or going. Says the guy who WALKS out of the grocery store without his groceries. Seriously. Four months of NOT thinking about scripts will do me some good. Luckily theres plenty of footage cached that can be edited into new episodes for awhile. Maybe two episodes of DragonManx and Maybe four SOL episodes. Might release them next year though. The plan for 2012 is to stop releasing SOL episodes at ep 12. As for DM maybe at ep 4. The other stuff will come out next year. That way I can have some momentum as I film new stuff in 2013. In 2013 two films will be produced from the SOL mythos. At least thats the plan. Gotta save that money and get some financial backing. I'm ready for SOL to air on SYFY I don't know about you. I'll take straight to video too if that opportunity presents itself.
Its been a roller coaster for me the past few weeks. Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. There has just been so much going on. I just found out my Grandma is having kidney issues. I thought I was gonna have to fly out to see her because her condition got so bad. My sister called me last week to tell me Granny was in the hospital. After talking with my mother it was revealed Granny had a bunch of fluid build-up in her legs and they had to take her to the hospital where they found a growth in her colon. Also it turns out her kidneys were at 4 percent. So she will have to have a machine to take the place of her kidneys. I know a guy who has the same thing. He's like my age but his condition was likely caused by his HIV. Granny is 86 and health issues are to be expected yet when these things happen its never easy. Especially when I keep remembering youthful and vibrant Granny from my childhood. Now she has memory loss and seems a shadow of her former self. This is very sad to see a person go through this. She seemed to be getting better after spending some time in the hospital but when they brought her home she got pretty bad off again so they now have to keep her in the hospital. Granny is having trouble with her legs too. Right now they are saying she is unable to walk but in time with therapy she can regain her strength. I am at work feeling so much emotion but no tears are flowing. Maybe I'm too tired. The last few days I had a pretty bad headache that took its sweet time leaving. This seems to happen every few months. Its likely sinus related but next time I have to go get myself checked out. I'm not sleeping very well because of my pigeon problem on the balcony. Plus I have as usual been stressing over finances. Right now I am producing two webseries,a cartoon and a comic. Stress had me down last month when I had a cold which lasted so long I went to get an HIV test just to make sure. Having a boyfriend helps things yet there are times it gets hard as we only see each other maybe once every couple of months. Everyone has problems and I realize some folks are dealing with things that would make me cry because I can't rescue them. Knowing this helps me keep things in perspective. Having outlets help too. I have to thank my higher power for giving me a way to channel stuff. A way to express. A way out.
In another week I will be getting another SonsofLegend episode done. Episode 11. THis will be my last film project of the year. Gonna make it special. The script is pretty fun. It has alot going on and definitely raises the bar as far as story content and cohesion go. The special effects will rock as well. This episode is probably gonna be about ten minutes long because theres alot of things happening. There will be flashbacks utilizing as yet unseen footage. There might be an epilogue at the end too. Depends on how I feel when we wrap on the main stuff. My goal is to have an 8 hour day. Then I am getting flown out to wisconsin to see my partner the next day. Basically the ultimate birthday present. Hopefully I'll be rested enough for the flight. Ugh. I am not too big with planes but it is what it is. Turbulence sorta freaks me out. So anyway the day of our SOL shoot starts at 4am. This is because I was able to talk one of the owners of the donut shop into allowing me to have my crew shoot a scene in their dining area. Only catch is if we want good sound we have to come an hour before opening which is 5am. I'm excited though. Some of the guys are helping with production. Its a good time to be in the biz of making superhero films. Recent events almost put a damper on things you know. What with the Batman shooting in Colorado. This upset me so badly that some nutcase cast such a dark shadow on such a great film. Personally I believe he was possessed. Its hard to think otherwise. Its so crazy that the world has become so insane that folks can't even take their families to the movies in peace. Sometimes its almost as if we are gradually losing our freedom. It makes me wish I could simply pack up and go live on another planet. Just to get away from all the forces trying to tear happiness away from us. Speaking of moving my sister Beverly AKA:Miss Big Nose. is trying to get me to come stay with her in Orlando. Miss Big Nose moved from Jersey after her hubby died several months ago. Curtis was one of the coolest guys I ever had the pleasure of meeting. I miss him. Truly good people do not come a dime a dozen let me tell you. I could stay in Orlando for a few months to decompress for sure but I wouldn't stay there. You know? NY or Cali is where a filmmaker ought to be. I think so. Yes I do NEED a break from Cali. It would be nice to spend more time with family as I take a break from filming. Its gonna sound crazy but sometimes I think filmmaking makes me stupid. (Laughs) My mind gets so bogged down with creative stuff that other things just don't even seem to matter. This bothers me at times. Theres memory loss. Absentmindedness. And yep I am eccentric. theres like 90 percent of my brain dedicated to creativity and the other 10 is for everything else. I thinks some of the people in my life understand this and thats why they overlook some of my behavior. I truly at times am unsure whether I'm coming or going. Says the guy who WALKS out of the grocery store without his groceries. Seriously. Four months of NOT thinking about scripts will do me some good. Luckily theres plenty of footage cached that can be edited into new episodes for awhile. Maybe two episodes of DragonManx and Maybe four SOL episodes. Might release them next year though. The plan for 2012 is to stop releasing SOL episodes at ep 12. As for DM maybe at ep 4. The other stuff will come out next year. That way I can have some momentum as I film new stuff in 2013. In 2013 two films will be produced from the SOL mythos. At least thats the plan. Gotta save that money and get some financial backing. I'm ready for SOL to air on SYFY I don't know about you. I'll take straight to video too if that opportunity presents itself.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Posted a new video of my webseries SonsofLegend yesterday and it feels good to be making progress. This is actually my 13th episode. (Including the spin-off series DragonManx)
SonsofLegend ep 9 (Posted yesterday)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1blL_G3y45I
I was in Detroit for the 4th of July thanks to my boyfriend Stan. I call him Blueberry Teddy Bear. BBTB is alot like having the perfect boyfriend. A cool guy who totally gets me and puts up with my crazy. We put up with each others crazy. Truthfully theres not alot of crazy. I am obsessed with making short films and we live so far apart that we are still in the process of getting to know each other. BBTB came into my life right at a point where I wasn't sure if I'd ever date again. Its pretty crazy out here trying to connect with someone. I think thats goes for whether you are gay,straight or whatever. I ran across him years ago and there was a sorta spark but it didn't blaze into much so we kinda drifted out of touch for a minute. Then we reconnected and he took the big step of flying me out to visit him on a business trip in Colorado which is a very beautiful place. I really wish I'd gotten some pictures of those mountains when the plane flew over them on my trip back to LA. After Colorado dude came here to see me in LA for Thanksgiving. He returned around New Years and we went to San Diego. I think it was in Feb he flew me to New York. After that it was uh Chicago. Then he sent me to see my brothers graduation in Orlando. After that he flew me to Miami. I think thats when I picked up this cold it took me forever to get rid of. I was so freaked out about this cold (that is only NOW leaving me) I went and got an HIV test tuesday when me and a buddy visiting from Baltimore went to an at the meantime mens group! I think BBTB could be the one. This cute bald headed furry guy from Detroit has looked closer at Sergio the person than anyone else has dared try. Honestly many folks look at you from the outside and I think they are quick to walk away or they have some KRAZY high expectations. Maybe they are on some level blocking themselves from being happy because they don't feel they deserve to be happy or they think no one is gonna put up with their shit. But we all have SHIT. We are none of us perfect. I just thank GOD I found someone I can focus on loving and I don't have to waste energy running around trying to find a needle in a haystack. Love or the potential for great love is always near but people need to let their guards down a bit and drop kick this cynical/jaded way of thinking. Find something you love....pour your passion into that and your passion will make people gravitate to you. Why? Because alot of people are not passionate about anything and they don't really believe in anything. When they see you are happy I think it awakens the sleeping child within them. Just be careful with some of the damaged souls you'll attract. Some of them can be....well some are just dangerous. Have fun,live your life and don't give up on love. Most important of all never lose sight of the GOD that dwells within ALL creatures. Have to admit at times this is difficult. BBTB helps keep me grounded.
SonsofLegend ep 9 (Posted yesterday)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1blL_G3y45I
I was in Detroit for the 4th of July thanks to my boyfriend Stan. I call him Blueberry Teddy Bear. BBTB is alot like having the perfect boyfriend. A cool guy who totally gets me and puts up with my crazy. We put up with each others crazy. Truthfully theres not alot of crazy. I am obsessed with making short films and we live so far apart that we are still in the process of getting to know each other. BBTB came into my life right at a point where I wasn't sure if I'd ever date again. Its pretty crazy out here trying to connect with someone. I think thats goes for whether you are gay,straight or whatever. I ran across him years ago and there was a sorta spark but it didn't blaze into much so we kinda drifted out of touch for a minute. Then we reconnected and he took the big step of flying me out to visit him on a business trip in Colorado which is a very beautiful place. I really wish I'd gotten some pictures of those mountains when the plane flew over them on my trip back to LA. After Colorado dude came here to see me in LA for Thanksgiving. He returned around New Years and we went to San Diego. I think it was in Feb he flew me to New York. After that it was uh Chicago. Then he sent me to see my brothers graduation in Orlando. After that he flew me to Miami. I think thats when I picked up this cold it took me forever to get rid of. I was so freaked out about this cold (that is only NOW leaving me) I went and got an HIV test tuesday when me and a buddy visiting from Baltimore went to an at the meantime mens group! I think BBTB could be the one. This cute bald headed furry guy from Detroit has looked closer at Sergio the person than anyone else has dared try. Honestly many folks look at you from the outside and I think they are quick to walk away or they have some KRAZY high expectations. Maybe they are on some level blocking themselves from being happy because they don't feel they deserve to be happy or they think no one is gonna put up with their shit. But we all have SHIT. We are none of us perfect. I just thank GOD I found someone I can focus on loving and I don't have to waste energy running around trying to find a needle in a haystack. Love or the potential for great love is always near but people need to let their guards down a bit and drop kick this cynical/jaded way of thinking. Find something you love....pour your passion into that and your passion will make people gravitate to you. Why? Because alot of people are not passionate about anything and they don't really believe in anything. When they see you are happy I think it awakens the sleeping child within them. Just be careful with some of the damaged souls you'll attract. Some of them can be....well some are just dangerous. Have fun,live your life and don't give up on love. Most important of all never lose sight of the GOD that dwells within ALL creatures. Have to admit at times this is difficult. BBTB helps keep me grounded.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Some of my work as a filmmaker. Some good. Some not so good. But its getting better and it will get even better.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ti1OfA-5cM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aX5Fr0utO4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWVep1EGcys
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LqSTeou7zz8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1x-EAo3MLw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HcDqrPybtg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qX6odTQ44Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ebso1mTw8k0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1ZKEklABA0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCVTnkRuL3U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saZCBdai3Yo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OndaqmInJuc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L82bqQFK1PA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLE2H_BEj2c
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfwBuzMZszg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrRfgFSVjrM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ti1OfA-5cM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aX5Fr0utO4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWVep1EGcys
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LqSTeou7zz8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1x-EAo3MLw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HcDqrPybtg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qX6odTQ44Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ebso1mTw8k0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1ZKEklABA0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCVTnkRuL3U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saZCBdai3Yo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OndaqmInJuc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L82bqQFK1PA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLE2H_BEj2c
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfwBuzMZszg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrRfgFSVjrM
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Well friday came and went. Miraculously I was able to get the filming done for the SonsofLegend project. Thank GOD for ingenuity I say because we had to do some improvising on all fronts when two actors had to leave early. I was able to gain access to the rooftop across the street from my apartment building. Yes it was guerilla style but we managed to pull it off. What was supposed to be a teaser ended up becoming a full episode. I imagine it will clock in at about 4 minutes. I found some cool actors. Two in particular were awesome. Not just because of their martial arts background but also because they were real troopers who were totally into the project. These guys gave their all and I think this will be something great to show on their reel when Mack is able to start with the editing. Which brings me to something that has been bothering me for a while. I have so much footage that needs editing I have decided to take a break on SonsofLegend and DragonManx filming for the rest of the year. There are some other projects including Detecter Pig that I must focus my attention on. Since its become painfully obvious I am gonna be financing my projects until I can start to get recognition at film festivals I have to pool my resources. In other words I gotta make that dollar stretch. I can't speak for anyone else but my observation has been that black folks...gay or straight are not the biggest supporters of sci-fi fantasy stuff. The genre dearest to my heart. Actually I think society as a whole has a problem seeing these types of films unless there is/are (a) white male lead(s). People seem uncomfortable if something is too ethnic. To be fair you have ALOT more freedom in the world of indie film but it frustrates the hell out of me to see even great short films like "The DL Chronicles" can't get support from the very communities they are catering to. And even the great George Lucas can't get love when he makes a cool epic action film with an all black cast. I personally would like to see more films that reflect the real world in that when you walk down the street you don't just see white folks. A film should be the same way. As should a comic book,a cartoon or a videogame. Yet in all these mediums I enjoy I feel people of color are too often under represented. Even in a time when we have a black president. (I guess I got on my soap box again eh?)
So anyways I will be flying back to Florida this week. My boyfriend is flying me out to see him in Miami. It will be nice to get away from Cali and get in some real relaxation. (As if thats gonna happen right? The relaxation part. Because I almost NEVER relax. Remember the thing about the shark swimming? He drowns when he stops...) I wish I could shake this gloomy feeling I have had the past few months. Its like a genral feeling of not feeling....well not really feeling too much of anything. Not to say I am numb. I just feel a bit apprehensive without exactly understanding why. Is this mid life crisis shit? Mostly I feel unsatisfied. When I first came to Cali I was not as focused as I am now. Sometimes I feel like I am racing to play catch up. Like I should be more successful by now but somehow I got behind schedule. Don't wanna miss that window of opportunity. Then again everything happens for a reason. I'm where I'm supposed to be. So are you. Maybe the problem is I need to learn how to enjoy the journey more so that when the destination is reached....it will all have more "something". I keep getting a sense of being right on the edge of greatness. Theres something I need to do that will be the catalyst. So no Sergio is not sad or unhappy with his life. He simply is annoyed its taking so long for this thing called "success" to arrive.
So anyways I will be flying back to Florida this week. My boyfriend is flying me out to see him in Miami. It will be nice to get away from Cali and get in some real relaxation. (As if thats gonna happen right? The relaxation part. Because I almost NEVER relax. Remember the thing about the shark swimming? He drowns when he stops...) I wish I could shake this gloomy feeling I have had the past few months. Its like a genral feeling of not feeling....well not really feeling too much of anything. Not to say I am numb. I just feel a bit apprehensive without exactly understanding why. Is this mid life crisis shit? Mostly I feel unsatisfied. When I first came to Cali I was not as focused as I am now. Sometimes I feel like I am racing to play catch up. Like I should be more successful by now but somehow I got behind schedule. Don't wanna miss that window of opportunity. Then again everything happens for a reason. I'm where I'm supposed to be. So are you. Maybe the problem is I need to learn how to enjoy the journey more so that when the destination is reached....it will all have more "something". I keep getting a sense of being right on the edge of greatness. Theres something I need to do that will be the catalyst. So no Sergio is not sad or unhappy with his life. He simply is annoyed its taking so long for this thing called "success" to arrive.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Sergzilla....(The Musical?)
I am like the shark that must keep swimming or I might drown. So this maddening obsession to make films continues to drive me. Its pretty crazy because its mostly all I think of. I think of scripts,actors and action scenes all the time. Even more than my boyfriend. Is this normal? Honestly making films has become my lover. Maybe that is normal....having a strong loving relationship with ones calling.
The past few months have been like a tv show. For me. Seriously. Never a dull moment and always something going on. Ups and downs. Comedy. Sadness. Anger and romance. I don't know that my life would make a good reality tv show but in truth some of the situations I find myself in seem as if they might have been contrived by some writers to boost ratings. In just this year alone I have been to New York. Chicago. Florida and I will be going back to Florida next week. My mother lives in Florida so I was there last month for my little brothers high school graduation. I hadn't seen him in like 8 years so I knew I couldn't miss this special event. My boyfriend/partner made it all possible. He paid to fly me out there as he realized how important this was to me. Financially it would have been difficult for me to make the trip. Much of my income goes towards making short films. This drive to create has paid off. I have 12 episodes up on youtube and the quality is getting better. Its only a matter of time before the series gets noticed by the right people. Still I have paid the price for my obsession with film. I plan to take a little time out pretty soon so I can focus more on having balance in my life. That translates into spending more time with friends and family. Especially my 88 year old Grandma. Grandma's pretty energetic for 88 but her memory comes and goes. Its sad at times because she looks at you and doesn't quite know who you are. I don't think she once called me by my name when I was there in Florida last month. Yet it was still good to see her and hug her. Grandma Cora practically raised me. She and my other Grandma (Mary) my dads mom who passed. I was a pretty wild kid and put them thru it and will forever be grateful that they took care of me. They didn't really have to but everyone knows the grandparents usually end up doing alot of the child rearing. Granny used to be a pretty robust woman so its so strange to see her now being so skinny and almost frail looking at times. I wish I had the power to turn back the hands of time. Give her back about 40 years or so. I wish I could keep my loved ones around forever.
I'm actually sitting here at work watching a horror movie called Vampyr as I type. Its an old black and white film. It is amazing how they were able to make such films back then without use of so much tech we have at our disposal now. There is so much inspiration to be drawn from the work/ingenuity of those who came before us. Its also amazing that I have not seen a really truly good horror film in YEARS. I'd hoped to pass my love of film down to my little brother Joshuazilla but he is married to basketball I think. He barely knows me. This is all my fault for staying away like I did. Here in Cali trying to make a name for myself. Hoping to one day make enough money and have enough fame to be able to go back home and rescue the family from all their woes. Make them all proud of me. Couldn't afford any distractions to throw off my momentum. Then there was the gay thing. I felt they might have been ashamed of me. Its not like black folks have readily embraced homosexuality. Society at large might never accept us. Mostly the idea was to respectfully keep my distance and not be in their face with what they likely viewed as a perverse lifestyle. Even if they don't come out and say it. Funny how if you have enough money and power people can overlook almost anything. But ultimately this really means they don't care about you. They only care about your material gain. I think me and Joshuazilla need to take a camping trip (like they did with the actresses in Charlies Angels) so we can bond properly and get to know each other. Nothing like being eaten alive by mosquitos or grossed out by having to eat raw fish and running from bears/wolves in the middle of the night to strengthen those family ties eh?
I am probably going to have to take someone to court soon. A guy who was to help me direct an episode of my DragonManx webseries (On youtube) a spin-off my other webseries "SonsofLegend" took and cashed a money order not meant for him. Seems he forged the money order to cash it. Western Union are being dicks about the whole thing and the police dept told me there was nothing they could do. So now I have to seek legal aid. I have some paperwork to sign and get notorized. This is all a mess though. That someone I really trusted and put my faith in has betrayed me in this manner. $150.00 is alot and there is gonna be some shit involved to get it back. Surely dude assumed I would back off and not go thru the trouble yet I feel if I walk away he could do this to someone else. I'm tired of being ripped off. Just like I am tired of these crazy pigeons on my balcony keeping me awake in the morning after work. Moving to another place whether its here in Cali or somewhere on the eastcoast has become an almost certainty at this point. Meanwhile work continues on my cartoon project "Detecter Pig" and soon the most ambitious short film I have ever done....an extra long episode of "My name is DragonManx". Its so big I am using Indiegogo and Kickstarter. The goal is to raise at least 2 grand to do the production the justice it deserves with a decent budget. Otherwise I might be eating top ramen noodles for awhile heh heh heh. You know how that goes. Sacrifice. At some point music is something this one would eventually like to dabble in. Don't laugh. I'd like to do a cd. Gotta keep myself busy. Even in slowing down. No matter what happens the shark can't ever really STOP swimming.
The past few months have been like a tv show. For me. Seriously. Never a dull moment and always something going on. Ups and downs. Comedy. Sadness. Anger and romance. I don't know that my life would make a good reality tv show but in truth some of the situations I find myself in seem as if they might have been contrived by some writers to boost ratings. In just this year alone I have been to New York. Chicago. Florida and I will be going back to Florida next week. My mother lives in Florida so I was there last month for my little brothers high school graduation. I hadn't seen him in like 8 years so I knew I couldn't miss this special event. My boyfriend/partner made it all possible. He paid to fly me out there as he realized how important this was to me. Financially it would have been difficult for me to make the trip. Much of my income goes towards making short films. This drive to create has paid off. I have 12 episodes up on youtube and the quality is getting better. Its only a matter of time before the series gets noticed by the right people. Still I have paid the price for my obsession with film. I plan to take a little time out pretty soon so I can focus more on having balance in my life. That translates into spending more time with friends and family. Especially my 88 year old Grandma. Grandma's pretty energetic for 88 but her memory comes and goes. Its sad at times because she looks at you and doesn't quite know who you are. I don't think she once called me by my name when I was there in Florida last month. Yet it was still good to see her and hug her. Grandma Cora practically raised me. She and my other Grandma (Mary) my dads mom who passed. I was a pretty wild kid and put them thru it and will forever be grateful that they took care of me. They didn't really have to but everyone knows the grandparents usually end up doing alot of the child rearing. Granny used to be a pretty robust woman so its so strange to see her now being so skinny and almost frail looking at times. I wish I had the power to turn back the hands of time. Give her back about 40 years or so. I wish I could keep my loved ones around forever.
I'm actually sitting here at work watching a horror movie called Vampyr as I type. Its an old black and white film. It is amazing how they were able to make such films back then without use of so much tech we have at our disposal now. There is so much inspiration to be drawn from the work/ingenuity of those who came before us. Its also amazing that I have not seen a really truly good horror film in YEARS. I'd hoped to pass my love of film down to my little brother Joshuazilla but he is married to basketball I think. He barely knows me. This is all my fault for staying away like I did. Here in Cali trying to make a name for myself. Hoping to one day make enough money and have enough fame to be able to go back home and rescue the family from all their woes. Make them all proud of me. Couldn't afford any distractions to throw off my momentum. Then there was the gay thing. I felt they might have been ashamed of me. Its not like black folks have readily embraced homosexuality. Society at large might never accept us. Mostly the idea was to respectfully keep my distance and not be in their face with what they likely viewed as a perverse lifestyle. Even if they don't come out and say it. Funny how if you have enough money and power people can overlook almost anything. But ultimately this really means they don't care about you. They only care about your material gain. I think me and Joshuazilla need to take a camping trip (like they did with the actresses in Charlies Angels) so we can bond properly and get to know each other. Nothing like being eaten alive by mosquitos or grossed out by having to eat raw fish and running from bears/wolves in the middle of the night to strengthen those family ties eh?
I am probably going to have to take someone to court soon. A guy who was to help me direct an episode of my DragonManx webseries (On youtube) a spin-off my other webseries "SonsofLegend" took and cashed a money order not meant for him. Seems he forged the money order to cash it. Western Union are being dicks about the whole thing and the police dept told me there was nothing they could do. So now I have to seek legal aid. I have some paperwork to sign and get notorized. This is all a mess though. That someone I really trusted and put my faith in has betrayed me in this manner. $150.00 is alot and there is gonna be some shit involved to get it back. Surely dude assumed I would back off and not go thru the trouble yet I feel if I walk away he could do this to someone else. I'm tired of being ripped off. Just like I am tired of these crazy pigeons on my balcony keeping me awake in the morning after work. Moving to another place whether its here in Cali or somewhere on the eastcoast has become an almost certainty at this point. Meanwhile work continues on my cartoon project "Detecter Pig" and soon the most ambitious short film I have ever done....an extra long episode of "My name is DragonManx". Its so big I am using Indiegogo and Kickstarter. The goal is to raise at least 2 grand to do the production the justice it deserves with a decent budget. Otherwise I might be eating top ramen noodles for awhile heh heh heh. You know how that goes. Sacrifice. At some point music is something this one would eventually like to dabble in. Don't laugh. I'd like to do a cd. Gotta keep myself busy. Even in slowing down. No matter what happens the shark can't ever really STOP swimming.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Conflicts of a hunger
I hunger. Or is it an obsession? Whats the difference? I am driven to create and it just NEVER ends. Others understand this. We can't sleep. We can't really relax and all we think about is....this craft or medium for which we use to convey an idea or concept to the masses or anyone who will listen....however colorful or original....unoriginal. It still comes from some place channeled through us. It is channeled through our soul which makes it a part of our soul. Call it a power or call it a curse. Whatever it is we can't live without it. We are driven to create art. Expression. This is the gift that puts a fire in my heart and its a hunger that constantly craves.
I was born in North Carolina and grew up partially there and New York. It was mostly in New York when the gift began to manifest. Well mostly. They tell me I drew when I was a kid in NC but I really don't remember much about my childhood. So much of it has blank spots. Don't ask me why because I have no idea. Sometimes I think my mind remembers what it wants to remember. I remember as a kid in brooklyn I turned to the world of comic books and videogames to get away from so much of the pain. Bullying is now starting to get alot of attention and many children will likely be saved from what my generation had to endure. The name calling. The hitting. Being spat on. Being slapped around and....the isolation. Not saying I didn't have friends because I had a few close pals. I had my family too but mostly I still felt alone. Drawing comics inspired by others (Stan Lee,John Byrne,Jack Kirby,Alan Davis and so on) I was able to leave the world behind. I grew wings and did the proverbial flying away number. But I'm okay now. The drawing evolved into short stories which evolved into poetry and that became this filmmaking thing I do now. Short films actually. The first major attempt at writing was inspired after seeing the horror movie "The Howling". It was a novel called "Animal People". A pretty simple and ridiculous tale about a young guy who took a summer vacation trip to a small mysterious town filled with shapeshifters. The main character became friends with some powerful guy who came to help him. I'm sure if I were to find and read that story it would be filled with soooooooo many gay overtones. Heh. Of course at age 15 I didn't know what gay was. Not exactly. I knew I was different. Kinda weird. Definitely seemed smarter than most of the other kids but well I guess it was alot like being a superhero like Kalel. A strange visitor with amazing powers no one ever taught me how to use. I believe in a higher order to things and I believe my gift or jaws of life was my art. It certainly saved my life. I don't even want to try to imagine where I'd be without this thing I do which touches the world. Brings light to the world.
I was born in North Carolina and grew up partially there and New York. It was mostly in New York when the gift began to manifest. Well mostly. They tell me I drew when I was a kid in NC but I really don't remember much about my childhood. So much of it has blank spots. Don't ask me why because I have no idea. Sometimes I think my mind remembers what it wants to remember. I remember as a kid in brooklyn I turned to the world of comic books and videogames to get away from so much of the pain. Bullying is now starting to get alot of attention and many children will likely be saved from what my generation had to endure. The name calling. The hitting. Being spat on. Being slapped around and....the isolation. Not saying I didn't have friends because I had a few close pals. I had my family too but mostly I still felt alone. Drawing comics inspired by others (Stan Lee,John Byrne,Jack Kirby,Alan Davis and so on) I was able to leave the world behind. I grew wings and did the proverbial flying away number. But I'm okay now. The drawing evolved into short stories which evolved into poetry and that became this filmmaking thing I do now. Short films actually. The first major attempt at writing was inspired after seeing the horror movie "The Howling". It was a novel called "Animal People". A pretty simple and ridiculous tale about a young guy who took a summer vacation trip to a small mysterious town filled with shapeshifters. The main character became friends with some powerful guy who came to help him. I'm sure if I were to find and read that story it would be filled with soooooooo many gay overtones. Heh. Of course at age 15 I didn't know what gay was. Not exactly. I knew I was different. Kinda weird. Definitely seemed smarter than most of the other kids but well I guess it was alot like being a superhero like Kalel. A strange visitor with amazing powers no one ever taught me how to use. I believe in a higher order to things and I believe my gift or jaws of life was my art. It certainly saved my life. I don't even want to try to imagine where I'd be without this thing I do which touches the world. Brings light to the world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)