Sergzilla....(The Musical?)

I am like the shark that must keep swimming or I might drown. So this maddening obsession to make films continues to drive me. Its pretty crazy because its mostly all I think of. I think of scripts,actors and action scenes all the time. Even more than my boyfriend. Is this normal? Honestly making films has become my lover. Maybe that is normal....having a strong loving relationship with ones calling.

The past few months have been like a tv show. For me. Seriously. Never a dull moment and always something going on. Ups and downs. Comedy. Sadness. Anger and romance. I don't know that my life would make a good reality tv show but in truth some of the situations I find myself in seem as if they might have been contrived by some writers to boost ratings. In just this year alone I have been to New York. Chicago. Florida and I will be going back to Florida next week. My mother lives in Florida so I was there last month for my little brothers high school graduation. I hadn't seen him in like 8 years so I knew I couldn't miss this special event. My boyfriend/partner made it all possible. He paid to fly me out there as he realized how important this was to me. Financially it would have been difficult for me to make the trip. Much of my income goes towards making short films. This drive to create has paid off. I have 12 episodes up on youtube and the quality is getting better. Its only a matter of time before the series gets noticed by the right people. Still I have paid the price for my obsession with film. I plan to take a little time out pretty soon so I can focus more on having balance in my life. That translates into spending more time with friends and family. Especially my 88 year old Grandma. Grandma's pretty energetic for 88 but her memory comes and goes. Its sad at times because she looks at you and doesn't quite know who you are. I don't think she once called me by my name when I was there in Florida last month. Yet it was still good to see her and hug her. Grandma Cora practically raised me. She and my other Grandma (Mary) my dads mom who passed. I was a pretty wild kid and put them thru it and will forever be grateful that they took care of me. They didn't really have to but everyone knows the grandparents usually end up doing alot of the child rearing. Granny used to be a pretty robust woman so its so strange to see her now being so skinny and almost frail looking at times. I wish I had the power to turn back the hands of time. Give her back about 40 years or so. I wish I could keep my loved ones around forever.

I'm actually sitting here at work watching a horror movie called Vampyr as I type. Its an old black and white film. It is amazing how they were able to make such films back then without use of so much tech we have at our disposal now. There is so much inspiration to be drawn from the work/ingenuity of those who came before us. Its also amazing that I have not seen a really truly good horror film in YEARS. I'd hoped to pass my love of film down to my little brother Joshuazilla but he is married to basketball I think. He barely knows me. This is all my fault for staying away like I did. Here in Cali trying to make a name for myself. Hoping to one day make enough money and have enough fame to be able to go back home and rescue the family from all their woes. Make them all proud of me. Couldn't afford any distractions to throw off my momentum. Then there was the gay thing. I felt they might have been ashamed of me. Its not like black folks have readily embraced homosexuality. Society at large might never accept us. Mostly the idea was to respectfully keep my distance and not be in their face with what they likely viewed as a perverse lifestyle. Even if they don't come out and say it. Funny how if you have enough money and power people can overlook almost anything. But ultimately this really means they don't care about you. They only care about your material gain. I think me and Joshuazilla need to take a camping trip (like they did with the actresses in Charlies Angels) so we can bond properly and get to know each other. Nothing like being eaten alive by mosquitos or grossed out by having to eat raw fish and running from bears/wolves in the middle of the night to strengthen those family ties eh?

I am probably going to have to take someone to court soon. A guy who was to help me direct an episode of my DragonManx webseries (On youtube) a spin-off my other webseries "SonsofLegend" took and cashed a money order not meant for him. Seems he forged the money order to cash it. Western Union are being dicks about the whole thing and the police dept told me there was nothing they could do. So now I have to seek legal aid. I have some paperwork to sign and get notorized. This is all a mess though. That someone I really trusted and put my faith in has betrayed me in this manner. $150.00 is alot and there is gonna be some shit involved to get it back. Surely dude assumed I would back off and not go thru the trouble yet I feel if I walk away he could do this to someone else. I'm tired of being ripped off. Just like I am tired of these crazy pigeons on my balcony keeping me awake in the morning after work. Moving to another place whether its here in Cali or somewhere on the eastcoast has become an almost certainty at this point. Meanwhile work continues on my cartoon project "Detecter Pig" and soon the most ambitious short film I have ever done....an extra long episode of "My name is DragonManx". Its so big I am using Indiegogo and Kickstarter. The goal is to raise at least 2 grand to do the production the justice it deserves with a decent budget. Otherwise I might be eating top ramen noodles for awhile heh heh heh. You know how that goes. Sacrifice. At some point music is something this one would eventually like to dabble in. Don't laugh. I'd like to do a cd. Gotta keep myself busy. Even in slowing down. No matter what happens the shark can't ever really STOP swimming.