Confessions of a sad superhero book 119

Up all night listening to "Kroq" on the radio. Longing for a breeze from my window because this fan is barely enough...😭

"The only thing I did wrong was fall for the wrong person. I didn't do anything wrong except fall for you. A person I was never meant to be with. Now the chance for us to be friends is ruined and I can't even look at your picture" 

I had a dream. Don't remember much of it except I was in a house somewhere. Seemed to be a pretty big house. I get the feeling it might have been somewhere in Louisiana. Maybe it was the home of Lestat? I dunno. Its gotten really hot here in Los Angeles and I'm really lusting for an air conditioner. Probably end up investing in one of those this year. Now much in the way of extra cash these days since alot of my cashflow is funneled into projects. Its no exaggeration to say because I've been going thru so much trying to get this guy out of my head and my life that I've become numb to so much. I avoind him at work but still end up running into him so now I've gotten to thinking of quitting. Isn't that nuts? its obvious he's been avoiding me too because he doesn't come in early anymore or stop through to put his lunch in the fridge anymore. Its insane that two people who connected are now reduced to staying away as if we both have some terrible disease. Honestly I will probably never really know the whole story on what went wrong with us. I suspect this is someone I should have only tried to have a friendship with. So many we probably come across we are not meant to sleep with. Some we meet should never become these fixtures in our lives and we mess up when we go there. Sometimes there are even warning signs or red flags we ignore. So here I am. But I am gonna be going back to taking public transportation because its too expensive taking Uber or Lyft to work every night. I was doing this largely to avoid so much of the riffraff on the metro these days plus its convenient but there are times I miss listening to music on a bus or train ride to work also there are times its socially awkward riding in a car with someone who clearly is not interested in having a conversation with you. Some folks are just fucking mean and have no business interacting with the public but anyway... 

The guy I went to have lunch with last week just got himself an Xbox Series S via his internet service provider having a promotion. He is NOT a gamer but he called me and I kinda helped him to understand just what that little white box he has is capable of. Streaming movies. Listening to music. Surfing the web. Maybe even videochat. Its a system that plays videogames yet it can do so much more. I have considered going over his place to help him hook everything up but I gotta be careful not to give the wrong idea. I think he's okay but not my type at all. Could be a possible friendship connection but he definitely vibrates on a lower frequency than me. What I'm saying is that he reminds me of some other people I know who at times it can be a challenge being around them because they seem unhappy or cynical plus their anxiety seems to trigger my anxiety. Some people make you happy being around them or they make you feel comfortable. Thats the kind of energy I need in my life and I'd like to bring that myself as well. 

Its been a week of back-and-forth texts with me and a nice guy who lives in Texas and is originally from Botswana. We did finally talk on the phone yesterday and it was a very nice conversation. The dude came here when he was pretty young and he's a physical therapist with two kids. He also has his own ranch. We talked about so many things and it was an enlightening as well as educational experience for me. I think many people have interesting things happen to them but this guy had my attention the whole time. I asked him so many questions because he's so interesting. Lets call him "Sir Squatch" (since I am always teasing him about Bigfoot coming to his ranch to steal his cattle!) Sir Squatch has two adult aged sons he adopted. They are survivors of Katrina and one has dealt with some challenges regarding anxiety so this really hit close to home for me of course since I am the poster child for anxiety. Well one of them anyway. There was a third child but that adoption was reversed due to some problems. Sir Squatch and I had a very interesting talk about whats going on in Uganda regarding "the gay issue" and he brought up a good point about how the US may be over stepping in trying to affect what others do in other parts of the world. Also we spoke on what he called propaganda regarding China or Russia supposedly taking advantage of or even abusing connections with Africa. Seems there has mostly always been friendly relations between them and maybe the US is getting nervous as the balance of power may be shifting and Africa isn't so much dependent on them these days. Its always wonderful when you are able to learn something from someone smarter than you. Its equally wonderful to talk with someone smarter than you that you can actually respect. As far as attraction goes I told Sir Squatch all about my situation with Mr. Ninja and he's understanding. We talked about maybe meeting up on my birthday vacation but since the days I am off don't line up with his and I doubt I can change it this close to the time requested we discussed an alternative. Now I always take off for Halloween and he was planning to go to Vegas this year so we might make arrangements to synch our schedules so we can meet over there for pumpkin day. I imagine being in Vegas for halloween will be an event with shows and things so this is something worth looking into. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 118

 So I'm starting to feel alot like the old me. The me before all the crazy stuff happened and I lost my mind then over time all the pieces (most of them) started to come back together again. I think it really dawned on me this morning how overwhelmed I am with things I have going on and the more my focus grows I realize thinking about any relationship related shit is a luxury I can't afford. Now I did briefly see a certain person as they came in to work yesterday morning but as I was on my way to my Uber and dude made no attempt to slow down well it feels like some sort of reboot has happened in our origin story. Its been so long since we have really talked or seen each other longer than 5 seconds it is really like we never met or got to know each other at all. Its feeling more like a distant dream meanwhile the reality that I am behind in so many other things is growing heavy. I saw a little infomercial on YouTube yesterday where he said something that made me think. He said you likely have 75 years on this planet and you really need  to start living and quit wasting time. I think more and more about my parents and sometimes other family members leaving this world and if i dwell on it its painful...it hurts to think about how much time I wasted when I should have been spending it with them because when they're gone...well you know how  that goes. 

I did call my father yesterday. We spoke for about half an hour at least. Turns out my stepmother is in the hospital again but this time its related to her kidneys. This particular illness seems to run in her family and I keep getting angry because theres this part of me that wonders if those doctors down there know what they are doing. Also my father and Geraline have come down with Covid. He says they caught it at the hospital but since they both had the shots the symptoms are pretty tame. He just has to stay quarantined for another 3-5 days. I plan to call my mother today. I still haven't decided when I'm visiting this year. Usually its around Halloween but maybe this year I'll go for Christmas or turkey day (Not that I eat turkey or any other meat outside of seafood anymore) and go see my father on New Years day. 

Sinead O'Connor passed yesterday. She was 56 and is known for the Prince song "Nothing Compares To You" This talented woman made headlines by ripping up a picture of the Pope on Saturday night live. This pretty much black balled her in the industry but now I'm hearing folks owe her an apology due to all that has gone down with the catholic church over the years... She struggled with some mental health issues and converted to Islam some years back and also had to deal with her son committing suicide. Something she never really bounced back from. Its pretty crazy the shit that people go thru and when you see it you re-think some of the stuff you stress about. Rest in power, Sinead. This world can't hurt you anymore.

I did go on that breakfast meet yesterday. It was hotter than I expected outside and the coupon dude had for the restaurant was for the wrong one so I suggested we go to Starbucks. It was great to get out of the heat but i realized dudes anxiety might be worse than mine because as we stood there in line he wasn't talking to me and it felt incredibly awkward. Actually considered bailing because he was making my anxiety kick in. Still when we sat down and the conversation started flowing his cool points multiplied. Not my type really but it doesn't matter because what I really need right now are friends. There is another person I might go spend some time with on my birthday next month. I already told him I'm shelving dating but this guy and I have been texting for a week and theres definitely a cool connection communication-wise. Thing is with my animation project and now a short film in the works it might simply be financially unwise to plan any luxury non family related trips until at least next year sometime. I really would love to get out of town for a few days but I gotta be patient. Somethings one must sacrifice for the cause. Another thing...Sir Nathan is still not responding to my messages on social media and it appears his phone is off. This is the part where Sergio gets worried. Meanwhile I gotta replace him in the cartoon because I need an actor. Also an actress. Placed an ad online for the jobs this morning. Gotta decide on a storyboard artist too. Well its late and i need to leave work or risk running into you know who. Just feels like we need to keep our distance for awhile. At least thats how I feel. Trying to not open any old wounds you know...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 117

 The last few weeks have been kind of a slow blur. Just like in the video games I did alot of sleeping and letting the days flash forward and the downside is so much has happened I gotta try to remember everything so I can jot it down here. My addiction to these shrimp skewers I have been ordering via doordash has grown. I've also gotten hooked on bear attack videos on Youtube and playing Vampire The Masquerade Bloodhunt on PS5. But hey some things are cool to be addicted to I guess. Uncool things include thinking about people who don't really care whether you live or die. It took a while (like two months) of emotional turmoil but I think for the most part I got over my "love sickness" regarding a certain person I was rather fond of that I met at the workplace. Basically I made the decision to stay away from dude. I still haven't been able to bring myself to look at his photos. Out of sight out of mind, you know? It gets exhausting thinking about all the what if I did this or that differently. Blaming myself for not saying or doing the right thing. Blaming him. Pondering if maybe we never should have gotten intimate in the first place. Of course, looming deadlines can help take ones mind off these things. Responsibilities you know? Also, I've been trying to edge back into dating but ultimately decided to step back from that because the truth is I'm just not ready. Not now. I'm probably still gonna try to be a bit more social. Like I am meeting someone today for breakfast but there are so many other things I have to focus on for me to be happy or to feel accomplished...dating or trying something like that feels like putting the carriage before the horse. I know now I'm not gonna be happy with someone until I feel like I'm bringing something to the table. My life is in a flux right now and the projects I started need my full attention. That includes giving my place a much-needed makeover. I'm gonna be off next month for my birthday and I've some ideas. Was hoping to get Sir Nathan to help me but he's been missing in action (hopefully he's okay) but theres no getting around some stuff must go into storage. Speaking of missing in action my therapist called the other day. She left a message explaining whats been going on in her life. The pregnancy was a difficult one but she's okay and back giving sessions again. In other news the Microsoft deal is actually finally happening. FTC has been asked to back off their Sony-inspired crusade by the government to try and stop the acquisition. I'm so glad and really hope Microsoft can use this victory to get back to really competing in the games industry. Just...no more stupid decisions or doing anti-consumer shit. It does seem though for every good step these companies take they eventually go and do something to mess things up. We'll see what happens next. I'm just tired of Xbox being in 3rd place. Other stuff going on is there is a lot of talk concerning reparations and rolling back of certain laws. There are certainly some things happening in society right now which should have more people alarmed but it may be so much is going on is hard to focus on things and some parties are using these "distractions" to slip things thru and nobody is really taking notice. Many people seem to have attention deficiencies or they are apathetic towards stuff. Is it simply the age we live in or is something else going on? Do I need to break out my tin foil hat? 

There is this guy I connected with off the dating app who seems nice. We have actually been texting back and forth for a week. Video chat is incoming but I've come to realize this is someone I myself am not compatible with although as a person I've grown fond of him. Really I'm worried he'll want to break off things if he realizes I can't date him. Dude is looking for a husband and Igotta tell him that I recently came to understand I'm not ready to date anyone. Probably will be quite some time before I'm ready. For the sake of my well being I cannot allow myself to get attached to anyone after what I just went through. It was a nightmare. I have lost weight. I neglected my projects. Friends and family. Inside I was pretty messed up to the point all I wanted to do was stay in the house and stay in bed. Felt worthless truthfully and I know this whole thing has changed me. Lets just say I have discovered my kryptonite. Just imagine going through one of the worst things you ever experienced so why would you want to put yourself on the line like that again? Anyway thats all I'm saying about that. From now on all I want to do is move forward and one day all this will be merely a distant and unpleasant memory. So I said before that there are concerning things going on in the world right now...well months ago the writers went on strike and now the actors are too. This has effectively shut down Hollywood. I mean its happening because productions are halting and other industry professionals are joining the fight. Hollywood bigwigs are making millions and billions while the talent (just as has been a problem in the music industry) are receiving pennies. One incredibly hot actor I have the hugest crush on (Ian Verdun) made a really cool video on his instagram talking about how shitty the biz treats actors. Now there is talk of UPS workers going on strike.  In the UK they are about to pass a law that will force companies to stop screwing consumers by selling us electronic shit and not allowing us the option to change the batteries. So when the battery dies you either have to go get a specialist to replace it or do what most folks do and simply upgrade. I'm starting to hear about  more backlash against the LGBT community because of how some stuff is being directed towards children and folks are getting frustrated about immigrants coming here and recieving help while needs in communities here are being overlooked. Its getting crazy out here. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 116

 (To Foreign Exchange playlist on Spotify)

Things I have learned:

Sometimes when people are intimidated by you they will act out in curious ways...

1. Ignoring you.

2. Being mean.

3. Gossiping.

4. Copying you.

5. Dispute and try to bait you into arguments or awkward situations.

6. Sometimes it IS them and not you.

7. Some people (either due to diet, genetics or spiritual issues) have hormone or testosterone imbalances and it is why they behave the way they do. 

8. Some of us are better off staying single.

9. Misery DOES in fact love company

10. Some people take certain jobs because they would never last working somewhere else.

11. Always hold on to at least one dream.

12. Theres nothing wrong with taking a "mental health day" off from work.

13. Never make important life altering decisions when you're upset. (This actually was a quote from the police chief on the tv show "New York Undercover" that I remember from when I was a wee lad.)

14. Save that money for a rainy day.

15. Always have a contingency plan. Like Batman.

I had an interesting conversation with a rideshare driver the other night. Initially whenI got in the car and tried to have a conversation he was rude and standoffish until I brought up the Microsoft acquisition of Activision and how shady some businesses and politicians can be. Dude blew my mind by completely opening up and getting into a spirited conversation with me about the military leaving Iraq as well as corruption in businesses and having hope in a world that seems to be spiraling out of control morality-wise. He was a cute white guy probably early 30's and he talked like he had a military background. Definitely the reserved mysterious type. Masculine in that country boy kind of way. So he was Batman if Batman was raised on a farm in Kansas and then he had to watch his folks gunned down in an alley. Maybe he was Clark who watched his folks gunned down? Anyway I do tend to have some great talks with Lyft and Uber drivers. Some won't talk but this is usually due to a language barrier although of course, some folks are just assholes. The other day before the other day I had a good discussion with another cute white guy about the whole Microsoft vs FTC circus and I think I may have inadvertently convinced dude to buy a Logitech G Cloud. This guy was absolutely gorgeous to the point it was painful. Well not really painful but he was hot. It does definitely seem in many ways I share more interests with white fellows and we are usually able to get along. Brothas have that edge about them and I gotta admit at times it does make being around some exhausting. Last week all I did was walk by this young brotha (near the job) of around age 25ish and he muttered "white boy" under his breath to insult me while holding his phone. I have seen videos on social media of people walking past folks while acting like they are talking on their phone and they mumble something inflammatory. Its all on purpose but its a slick way to maybe make it seem you won't be held accountable as the insulting person can't exactly prove you were talking to or about them. Some humans have too much time on their hands. 

Had another one of those weird exchanges on IGN last night. IGN formerly known as "Game sages" used to be a website primarily dedicated to the culture of videogames but now they have branched out into all facets of pop culture. Perhaps not so much on the music side of things but anyway there was an article about a young hacker being sentenced for causing mayhem with GTA6 and I responded to the article by talking about hacker issues experienced at work which resulted in our cloud access being restricted. This really stung because I'd purchased a Logitech G Cloud for cloud gaming shortly before they really cracked down here since some youngin got the center in trouble. I also mentioned the DOS attacks on consoles that used to cause issues for the gaming community during the holidays. Also, I mentioned not being able to game with certain titles on breaks since the new changes with our network. This jerk had the nerve to respond to me "Oh poor guy can't game at work! LOL" Then he put a laughing emoji and I was like...Man, you are not even adding anything to the topic being discussed and are only here to take cheap shots at me for whatever reason. For the record, I have worked on my job for many years. What is your point? Are you saying I shouldn't take breaks? Get a life. Over the years the comments sections of IGN have become a breeding ground for some of the most contemptible individuals. There is alot of unfiltered hate for people who fall within certain demographics. It got to the point that IGN had to start having moderators monitor the comments sections. I'm sure this person responded the way he did because he noticed I mentioned WHERE I WORK in my reply. At times I am ashamed to share the same hobbies/interests with some of these "peers". I miss the days when games, comics, and superheroes only belonged to us nerd folk. Now they just let anybody in the door because these things are trendy. 

I think the Microsoft acquisition is a done deal now. Although the FTC filed an appeal it doesn't appear the courts are gonna honor it. This needed to happen before midnight which was a few hours ago. I'm happy because I really wanna see a Call Of Duty game on my Nintendo Switch. Also, I am pretty much convinced Sony have become bullies. Sort of like how at times the LGBT community acts like bullies too but thats another discussion. HopefullyMicrosoft will revive some of the Activision titles that have laid dormant for a while. This will definitely make Sony change some of their practices because well they have to in order to compete. They did start this whole $70.00 price tag for games and they fought tooth and nail against being able to game on your PlayStation with or against folks on other platforms. I am gonna take my lunch now but before I go play some games on my laptop I will log onto social media to see how the Microsoft situation has progressed...

Back from lunch. My supervisor really got on my nerves just now. They were getting on me for taking my break at 4am and i tried to explain that we are short and whenever there is no supervisor here I tend to run into issues getting my breaks. This I found out from other people is because folks don't like working at this particular station because it has added responsibility. All the other things people do and get away with but because I took my break late this time it feels like I'm committing a capital offense. The guy I spoke with on the dating site said he never had to work somewhere and deal with people having authority over him and I try to imagine a life like that. I do certainly appreciate this job but I am at a time in my life where I am tired of people not smarter than me having control over my life. There are also people in certain positions who throw their weight around or treat you some kind of way and it can affect your self-esteem if you are not careful. I need to be my own boss sooner than later.

(Listening to Lady T playlist on Youtube)

This trans prostitute just shook my nerves by coming up and tapping loudly on the door. Sent my heart racing. I just ignored her because I just don't wanna get caught up in some drama especially right before my shift ends. Months ago we had some insane trans person who was doing this and really gave me a start one night. Its something that when your adrenalin kicks in and your body releases chemicals it can really do a number on one and sometimes it takes a minute to come down from these stressful moments. So what happens to the mind and body when one is constantly in a stressful environment? I mean literally ALL the time without really relaxing? What do you become?

Confessions of a sad superhero book 115

I noticed something interesting the other day. When I am playing certain types of games it seems my adrenalin kicks in and I experience some type of anxiety that can make me uneasy around people. 

I can think of certain people and their scent can actually come back as if they were still around. This is why I suspect when we have sex with people not only do they imprint on us spiritually but we become joined on a chemical level as well. More with some than others. 

Why do people insist on doing graffiti? I mean yes some is beautiful and certainly deserving to be called art yet some is like animals tagging their territory or some stupid BS like that. Don't people understand that it is almost certain their own tax money is spent cleaning this shit off property or even the streets. I'm a bit pissed because apparently someone tagged the sidewalk here at work this morning and we can't rewind the cameras to see who. There was a group of people gathered outside earlier so thats likely when it happened.

A cool guy on the dating site has been expressing some interest and judging from his reaction to my profile and things he's revealed in our messaging he's THE REAL DEAL. So you know that saying be careful what you wish for and what happens when you finally get it? This is something i really gotta put some thought into. Especially in regard to how I reply to his messages. Oh yeah in other news it looks like the FTC is gonna appeal the courts decision about not blocking the Microsoft acquisition. Stay tuned...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 114

-Listening to Norman Brown on Spotify-

One of my supervisors who has been here almost 30 years is retiring and today will be his last day. (Another co-worker who left recently wants to come back) He came by to say goodbye and to tell me to always be aware of my surroundings here. It felt kinda bittersweet because yesterday one of the other guards told me about a conversation she had with this supervisor who I always thought hated my guts. She said he told her..."Sergio might not seem like he knows whats going on but he might know more than any of us and you can learn some things from him I was pretty damn shocked to be honest. I would always find myself wondering why dude was so hard on me and if it was one of those straight not being cool with gay folk things but I guess maybe some people who may not seem like it can fool me. What I mean to say is sometimes what you see on the surface isn't how they really feel on the inside. People sure can be complicated sometimes.

Been dreaming pretty frequently and waking up early enough to actually see the sunlight. Just have to make sure I go to be pretty soon after I get home from work and also I have to force myself to go to bed by or before 3am otherwise I'll get up too late to really be able to do anything. Usually this might involve me having to take a sleeping pill or doing the "touch myself routine" which doesn't always work. My body is just so accustomed to being awake at night so going to bed early is a real struggle. Still I feel I'm starting to get back to the old me again. Focusing on projects and doing some house cleaning. I have alot of work to do in regards to house cleaning. Its gonna be a pretty damn epic undertaking to get everything the way it should be. Someone said I should donate some stuff and that would certainly make it all easy you know? Paying for storage could be costly. I have gotten to the point where I officially need to be bringing things out of my place and NOT bringing anything new in. I've a big ass tv that if I get rid of will leave plenty of space. My bed (which is really just two queen mattresses) is something I have been meaning to throw out and replace with a futon for awhile plus my carpet desperately needs cleaning. Being in a long state of depression can do this to you. Turn you into a clutter king/queen. This ongoing war with roaches is probably something that is gonna continue. I do buy different poisons every paycheck in order to make sure they can't build a resistance to what I'm using. Back in the day the older management in my building would have an exterminator come spray but this hasn't happened since like the early 2000's. I've even seen a few here at work, Damn things are just about impossible to get rid of. When my place is clutter free hopefully I won't have such a problem with them. I see roaches maybe three or four times a week at the most but to me thats still too much. They get into and ruin anything. I am so worried about my electronics and every now and then I will see some attempting to enter my refrigerator so I have to make sure its closed tightly. Ideally this big clean-up is something that'll be largely underway by the time my birthday rolls around next month. I think it would be nice to be able to have people come over you know? Sir Nathan for example wanted to stay over like two weeks ago as he'd locked himself out of his place but I told him it would not be such a good idea even though he has seen my place. He has offered to help so I'm of the mind I should take him up on his offer. Of course that means when he moves I gotta make sure to reciprocate because I feel guilty about not offering when he moved into his new place. He got himself two kittens. So many folks have animals and I dig it but my place is too small plus I really feel when I do eventually get a fur baby this is something that should be done jointly with a significant other. Am I wrong for thinking that way? 

Well my eyes are tired and I really need to get out of here so Ima bounce but I wanna add that I am so happy Microsoft appear to have won the right to aqcuire activision despite Sony and the FTC as well as the CMA's efforts to block it. I think Microsoft needs this in order to be able to compete with Sony and even Nintendo. Guess when I come back here I'll talk more in depth regarding this epic buyout. Its actually the biggest gaming aqcuisition (69 billion republic credits...er dollars) I do so hope we get some kick ass new Spyro and Crash Bandicoot games. Also I am looking forward to playing Call of Duty in some form on my Nintendo Switch. This has been the only Nintendo system without a COD and I don't understand why Activision hasn't at least ported over some of the older games that can surely run on the 7 year old console. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 113

 Went to the supermarket yesterday. It was a giant leap for me because well when you have anxiety even something as simple as going out fo a walk can be a challenge. I've been ordering alot of things from Amazon or using services like Door Dash and Uber Eats to avoid having to go out and deal with people. These things do tend to get costly after awhile. I use Uber and Lyft alot when going to or leaving work because the way things are now you never know what you're gonna get on public transportation. When Covid was heavier on our minds the public transportation services were free to everyone so you had alot of characters on the buses or trains. I know homeless does not mean useless and having to deal with my own mental issues I'm understanding some of us struggle more than others yet there were smelly, cantankerous individuals we ALL had to contend with on a daily basis. I saw a fight break out one morning on a bus because a man was assaulted by a woman. Another hostile exchange happened on the train one day going to Long Beach. At times there were folks blasting LOUD music. Some people smoke on the train with no regard to others. Some folks have the place cluttered up with luggage. You have some truly NASTY looking folks sometimes not even masked up coughing or sneezing and many folks nowadays i notice won't even cover their mouths and look at you like you are crazy if you say something. I was threatened by a bro on the bus home from work simply because I looked in his direction. Mr. Ninja was attacked in a train station one day. quite a few people I know just stopped taking public transportation altogether because they got tired of all the BS. Its a shame really because we got some new buses recently but nasty ass folks eventually dirty them up and throw shit on the floors. I am constantly amazed at how nasty some humans are. Seriously. Some people obviously have no home training. Anyhow so much has happened to me (just) over the last few years that I am certain I went through my own form of PTS and it took me exactly how long it needed to take for me to survive mentally without turning into a damn super villain. So I can say I feel some sense of accomplishment in my life now especially with all the progress being made in my ongoing projects. 

Speaking of projects I am gonna be filming a commercial for Sins Of Legend next month. Figure that will be a nice little birthday present for myself. Still working on getting my place cleaned up because my spirit definitely needs it. I guess no matter where we are in life there will always be some room for improvement, right? 

The dating thing is still a bust. Someone told me I need to just try and meet folks in real life and not online. I'm inclined to say he's right. I just wish I could get out of the financial commitment this particular app I am using locks you into for 3 months. It just seems crazy they can do that you know? You pay for 3 months and its an unbreakable contract. Thing is I am already wanting to cancel and it woulda been cool if there were a trial you could use or allow me to pay for one month? You know in case I don't like the service. If I am gonna meet someone its likely I will meet them through my artistry. Maybe it sounds silly but I really mostly believe I won't be datable to many until things take off with my work as an artist or writer. People want stability. They also want BIG muscles apparently. All yo have to do is go on social media and its all there in your face. Big muscular handsome fellas living in big houses or driving fancy cars. Whats crazy is that most of these guys are straight and probably broke ass models. Many are out of the country and scammers too. Wannabe personal trainers with photoshopped thirst trap pics. They are selling an illusion to so many gay men who will worship their photos and overlook anything else because that fantasy is so much more comforting than real life in all its imperfections. Don't even get me started on all the hackers and bots online. I think some advances in technology really have damaged how we interact with each other plus its caused many of us to lose touch with reality. The Six Million Dollar Man said sometimes old fashioned is the best way to go. A back to basics approach is something I often fantasize about really. Being somewhere in the coutry and meeting some hot country brother. A "Forrest Gump" character like dude Frank Ocean was talking about. Someone maybe not corrupted by this world. Someone not so dependent on technology or glued to their cellphone. He probably does exist on this planet. More than likely not in this country though. Alot of the American black men I see seem to be getting less and less masculine and so many are not really into dating other black men. Yeah, theres that too. Then there is also a thing with other races not wanting to date black men. It is like trying to find a unicorn these days in regard to dating. Well if you want to find something long term. Thats my observation anyway. I guess it makes alot more sense then that so many seem to have given up? Has dating or the search for a LTR become a dying artform? 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 112

(To THE RINGS OF POWER soundtrack on Spotify)

A few hours ago something really interesting happened. It was something I really wasn't expecting to happen. I mean...maybe some years from now when my mind would probably struggle momentarily to recall any individuals from my past as an employee at the LGBT center. Well now I guess its the LGBTQ+ whatever center. Hard to keep up with this stuff. Anyway the man who I struggled to move past sent me a text out of the blue asking how I was. Its been over a month since we last spoke on the phone or saw each other. When he walked past me at the job as if we barely knew each other I knew this was not someone healthy for me to associate with. The nonchalant response when I told him we should only continue forward as friends was a firm reminder dude didn't care and the fact he went a month without bothering to reach out at all served as a nasty reality check for me. I now know the importance of staying in ones lane. I now know I can shut out people just as easily as they do me and what does not kill you does make you stronger. The last month has been my own personal version of hell having to put these feelings behind me. Theres that song "I can't make you love me" and another one called "Cowboys and Angels" Then theres a recent favorite of mine "Vampire" by Olivia Rodrigo. Perhaps it is true that love and relationships like that are not meant for some of us. For whatever reason. Priests have been staying out of the game for hundreds if not thousands of years. (Maybe thats not the best example) and there are plenty of folks who thrive without romance or sex. Even if one remains single forever this is not the end and it certainly shouldn't mean you gotta stay depressed all the time because of it. Life goes on after all and there are always other dreams to chase. I can chase financial security. I can chase stability and health. I can chase success as an artist/writer/filmmaker. These things are just more tangible. Love...is something I can say I have experienced. Maybe not on the level I would have wanted yet it came and maybe it went too and I have to be okay with that very real possibility in order for me to face the future. No I've not given up but I'm preparing myself. If I'd given up I wouldn't have created an account with an online dating application. We'll see how it goes and try not to obsess over it. Right now I've a cartoon and some comic book projects to worry about. I've got to stay focused on keeping my job as long as I need it to finish projects and save up money to maybe move. Also have my health and family to think about. Lots of movies and songs to hear and videogames to play. Lots of places I need to visit too. Theres so much to do with the time I have left. I can't afford to give Mr. Ninja time in my life unless he is willing to fight for what was once given freely...