THE UNDESIREABLE(?)

Yesterday I saw a white man walking

He stopped and turned around

The same way so many people have done

When I’m walking behind them

And its really why I have a serious pet peeve

About walking behind people

Because they stop,slow down,speed up

As if they think I’m following them or something.

Its almost the same as locking your doors

When I walk by

So I said

Mostly under my breath

yet loud enough for him to hear I’m sure

“I’m not interested in anything you have”

I was shocked when he said

“good morning” as he was going to his car.

I said good morning and kept going.

Partially I felt

Diffused

Confused.

Had I misinterpreted him?

Sometimes I’m so used to people hating me

I might even imagine it when its not there

Sometimes.

Sometimes its hard to tell

Friend from foe.

This world has traumatized me.

I wear the wounds of war

On my very aura.

Its true.

 ****

THE LOST BABY

He’s leaving

Moving so far away

When will I see him again?

I’m gonna have to get used to living alone again.

But its certainly felt as if

I have been living alone

This past year and a half

In a way.

You don’t touch me

Barely kiss me

(Until its time for sex)

We rarely talk on the phone.

How often have you bothered to skype me on that tablet I gave you?

Never.

You say you care man

But I don’t know how much I believe you.

Your actions have me so perplexed

I don’t know whether to be jubilant you are leaving

Or overcome with grief.

You made me love you with my emergency brakes on.

Is it all in my mind

You’re sharing yourself with me

Sharing another part of you

With whoever that “he” is

That I once tasted on your lips?

****

DE-EVOLUTION

Aren’t we supposed to be getting better?

Yet its definitely getting worse here in this place.

Killing

Murdering

Terroristing

Environmentally destructing

So much that

The animals don’t have anywhere to go

and they come

risking life and limb

to eat the trash.

How did we get here?

Can’t turn on the news

(Man this world is changing)

Without hearing about some awful tragedy

And you tell me

Oh its so depressing and not to talk or dwell on these things

But how can I not THINK about this shit

Because its everywhere.

When I’m in the movies

And the guy gets up to pee

I’m wondering whether

Its gonna be some gun blasting attack.

I miss how life used to be.

Scary as it was at times

We never quite lived in times like this.

I feel like its taking a toll on me

And I just try to fight through this anxiety.

Anxiety caused by living with

A constantly de-evolving human race.

****

THE SOULMATE

They say he comes around here

Some have seen him.

He’s one of them.

Like the one who came to me as a child

Tickled me in the dark

And although I could feel the danger

In his cold embrace

I felt so safe. Does that even make sense?

 

I think maybe the cat used to play with him you know?

When he wasn't just staring into space at something no one else could see

He or the dog would just jump up and dash out of the room as if chasing

or being chased....

They say he walks around in here

Pacing back and forth

And he does know all our secrets

What power he has

To see and hear all

To snap us out of self doubt.

Not the enemy

Gives a soft reassuring touch on the shoulder at times.

He’s not at all intrusive.

Some are you know?

Like the one who visited me

Took of my love and I awoke feeling someone had entered “that dark cave”.

No this guy

He’s the friend everyone wants

Not judging or anything because he knows everything

And all I can do is wonder what it would be (or have been) like to have a friend such as he who was alive.

What if we have met or were supposed to have been….something great?

What if he is the one from that dream

tall with a fade

facial hair

brown skin

and with a warm touch that made everything feel alright.

I think I saw him back in 1993

on wilshire

What if he passed on

but....

What if he's trapped here

soul couldn't move on

anchored by my pain?

Is he "him"???

What if....?

 

 

(Soundtrack by Foreign Exchange. Of course)

Here we are closing in on the end of November. Its been a crazy year to be sure. I’m still reeling from everything that’s happened. The betrayal of a once trusted editor who I found out the hard way was not my friend at all. I may never know why dude decided to just pocket that four hundred dollars knowing it would put me in a terrible situation. I may never understand why he kept all the footage I gave him over a thousand dollars to shoot. Its likely I’ll never see that footage again or my fog machine which he also kept. What makes people do these things and burn bridges? I may never quite understand but I am certain I will not let anyone else do that to me again. Never again. My roomie/semi lover is about to move out. This is something he’s been planning for awhile. He’s going to North Dakota where he says the jobs and costs of living are more agreeable than here in sunny Cali.  Its been so sunny here in fact it hasn’t really rained in awhile which has more than a few of us concerned. Hopefully I can move out of Cali sometime in the summer because I do not wanna move to Detroit when its cold. I’m about to go into production on my first full length film this month. The script is done. Its four short stories that sorta kinda tie in together. It’s the SonsofLegend full length film I was born to make and its gonna feature Sons and its three spinoff series. I’m excited about it and equally excited about the well known director who gave me this opportunity to screen and help me market it when its done. Theres even some investment help waiting in the wings. It’s a ture blessing after all I’ve been thru getting my concepts developed you know?

Thought I’d found a writing partner in this guy from Germany but he wants like two grand to help me out. Now if I had it maybe I’d give him a whirl but right now I just cannot afford dude. One of my co-workers died last month and it was so surreal. This guy was in his 70’s and they say he may have had a heart attack. He didn’t come in to work one night so one of the other officers went to his home to check on him and she discovered him there having passed away. He had my old shift which included weekends. For a moment I considered bidding on it but I have grown so accustomed to being here in this empty building away from other co-workers and clients and just people in general. My tolerance for people has dwindled so much over time and I do THANK my next door neighbors for that because they tried so hard for years to make me move out of my apartment. Because of them I have to at times fight against a distrust of other middle eastern folk. The hard truth.

One of my buddies is in town this weekend. He’s a cute 33 year old guy from Maryland who’s here in Vegas for some sort of conference event. I hate that I wasn’t able to afford to go and see him when he’s this close but I dunno maybe its best that we get to know each other better. Honestly I don’t think he’s really ready to date me or anyone else now as he has soooooo much shit going on. He’s heavily involved in the community plus he’s a teacher so his workload is tremendous. But he is sooooooo damn cute. My roomie and I….well things are gonna be different between us what with him leaving soon. He’ll be in Dakota to get his job and apartment set up on Thanksgiving then in December he’s going back to move there permanently. I’m gonna have to get used to him not being around yet in reality it felt like that so much of the time as dude has been so emotionally unavailable part of me has grown accustomed to it. So I hope I can meet someone more emotionally here who can actually act like a real lover you know? Theres a guy who recently came back into my life but I found out he’s HIV+ which is something that makes him kinda push people away out of fear of infecting them. Speaking of HIV…. I met this guy on my last trip to Detroit who ended up sleeping with me after what was supposed to be a massage session. Next thing I know things got real intimate and he was climbing up on top of the table to do even more exploring. Thing is the condom broke and we moved into another room to get more cozy on the bed and I really don’t think he used a condom the whole time in the bed because he jumped up saying how he didn’t come. Then afterwards he admitted he was positive and on this drug called Prep or Stipla or something that’s supposed to make the HIV hard to pass plus he says he’s HIV undetectable which is apparently a thing now. You can imagine I was destroyed for weeks after having sex with him until I got my HIV results back. So I am negative but now I am just so worried about having sex with anyone I don’t know. ANYONE. As if life isn’t insane enough we have been experiencing more police brutality events,hacking nonsense, school shootings,global warming and hit and run incidents here in Cali plus terrorists are making themselves more prominent in the news with recent attacks on Paris and Canada,plane bombings and more on camera beheadings. Cali is also in the midst of a water shortage. Sometimes it feels like the whole world is going insane. People robbing each other in broad daylight and on camera….breaking into peoples homes while they’re at home. Homeless folks sleeping everywhere with tents all over the sidewalks. Sometimes its like walking thru a camp when I am on my way to work. Theres also a growing number of mentally ill folks roaming the streets who need care. And yep some could even be dangerous. Out here in this world we live in people seem to not even want relationships anymore either. As much as I fantasize about being with some guy oneday or having my own family often it feels this will only be a fantasy since everyone around me seems to have forsaken the very concept of marriage or commitment. Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep for a hundred years and maybe wake up when people have evolved more beyond just being undeveloped and immature. I do have my outlets to help me cope….videogames,comics,traveling,music and movies,writing/being creative and nature outings but when I dwell too much in the reality of the world it makes me feel my nerves are at a breaking point. I’m not getting enough sleep which has been the case for awhile now. Could be a sign for me to finally get serious about getting myself in better shape but thats a whole other conversation....

Thought I’d be able to go see family this holiday but that’s gonna sadly have to wait till 2016 because right now the ful length film has gotta get my focus. Not like I have the money anyway right? Probably next year I’ll take a full month off to give myself a proper vacation and time to rebond with the family before they forget I exist. My brother is just gone. Joshua is a distant memory to me. He’s become a stranger since he joined the military and got married. Now he’s actually a father. I really wish I’d done more to get to know the brother I always prayed and wished for. Maybe sometime in the future we’ll have some chances to really be brothers to each other. As it stands we don’t know each other. As it stands I blame myself for that. I was not an emotionally available big brother. So obsessed with getting successful so that I would feel worthy as a person and able to actually contribute something to this world….this life….my family. It was/is a sacrifice but I am getting closer to that goal where my parents can really say they’re proud of my accomplishments. Its difficult for some of us to really feel accomplished when the finances are not in order.

It certainly looks like Donald Trump is gonna become the next president of the US. As entertaining as he can be at times this man tends to say a lot of things that really scare and shock me. Its equally shocking that a person who seems so disconnected from reality and the general public might be considered fit to run this country. For a moment it appeared we might have another Black guy in the white house but as cute as Ben is he’s scary and detatched too. Forget the fact he’s republican. I just have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that people who are so powerful and supposedly intelligent can say some of the things they do and still have supporters. Right now there isn't anyone dem or republican I'm interested in voting for. 

So the holidays are coming. Black Friday is almost upon us and soon it’ll be Christmas. Already put my lights on in the window okay. But this holiday I gotta go do something cool for myself. Since I can’t go visit family perhaps a little trip over into San fran might be in order. Nothing wrong with having some fun by yourself you know? Fuck this waiting around for some dude who may not even exist. Fuck all the feeling sorry for myself because I don’t measure up to some folks expectations. I’m here now and even though things could be better I still have a pretty decent amount of enjoyment left in this life of mine.

GROWN FOLKS STUFF. YA'LL DONE BEEN WARNED. PROCEED WITH CAUTION....

Got my footage back yesterday. Wasn't sure if I would. Thought I'd have to go to court. A psychic told me years ago I would end up in court but it would be for my own good. Maybe she was referring to the $35.00 ticket I got for that one morning I didn't pay for a train pass? Last night on my way to work a woman called somebody a nigger in rage as a large group of people were crossing at Hollywood and Highland. A white lady behind me was like "Why would somebody say something like that?" I just said "I don't know what the hell is wrong with some of these people. I think some of them are still living in the middle ages" And its true this crazy internal eternal hate folks have for those of us with the colored skin. Some folks like to say racism is dead but for some of us its an everyday occurence. I frequent IGN to read up on any and all things videogame or pop culture related then I have to hang my head in shame and disbelief anytime Obamas name or anything relating to women or minorities is mentioned. There is so much hatred from these straight white nerds and fan boys that it boggles the mind. Peole hate the fact we even have a black president. They hate the fact Johnny Storm is black and if you advocate for making things equal for women just like vultures circling a dying animal the racist,sexist homophobes emerge in droves spouting things in the forums they probably would never say away from the keyboards. Was on yahoo the other night and there was an article about Michelle Obama being so fashionable on her vacation. The crazy angry white people came out in droves to attack again. They said Michelle looked like a monkey and that they were spending tax payers money constantly going on vacation or shopping sprees. Its amazing to me that even Bush on his WORSE days NEVER got this much hate. Add insult to injury the people from other countries who were commenting on how shameful these americans should be for saying such terrible things about their own first lady. We are already getting clowned for all the shootings and crime happening over here. Police brutality. Theater shootings. School shootings. Even military bases and recruitment centers here in the country aren't safe anymore. Sometimes it feels like this society is collapsing. Sometimes I feel embarrassed to be an american. Most of the time I am ashamed to even say I have a kinship with humanity because we can fix ALL of this but we won't. Seriously. What am I doing here in this savage society where its so grey these days with everything?

Not sure whats gonna happen with Sins of Legend anymore. I mean we are supposed to film on the 21st and 22nd of this month but its become painfully apparent nobody is gonna really accept or support my work until there is a major bump in the quality dept. Quality=MONEY. Which is something I just don't have enough of. After Daniels treachery and this shit with (ahem) holding on to my footage so long I was forced to threaten him with legal action (on blast) I feel sooooooo freaking tired. I imagine people getting burned in this show biz stuff so many times they simply give up. Sorta like in that song by Gladys about the guy who packs it all up after so many disappointment and then moves back to the simple life he left behind. Feel like taking a break to be honest yet I'm afraid of losing momentum. Wasted so much time already. So many years went by when I shoulda been more serious about this shit. At least the Detroit trip (to film DM) is still on for next month. Meanwhile things with me and the crazy african are the same. I love him. But I'm not in love with him. He likes me but he's probably never gonna be relationship material for anyone. I know a couple of other african men who share some of his characteristics so maybe its just a cultural thing I've yet to understand which keeps us from being closer. I'm not even gonna lie because I am looking for someone else who is more relationship material. He just hasn't shown up yet. When he does (if) things will get interesting. And the crazy african is not the jealous type. Maybe he doesn't believe I will find anyone else. He's really into his 14 jobs and making moves to secure his citizenship, not to mention making sure he can send money back home to his three daughters. Theres no more romance left in whatever we have/had and its just on some sort of life support. Could be the universe just doesn't think I need a LTR right now. Ever? (Sighs)

Speaking of life support Whitney Houstons daughter died the other day. I was really hoping she would pull thru. They had her on life support for months. When they recently moved her into a hospice I took that as a sign things were improving alas the child of the legend has joined her mother. It just doesn't make sense to me how this could have happened to this kid who literally had EVERYTHING going for her and it is eerie how she died in a manner similar to her mom.
A few days ago this dentist shot a lion he lured away from the grounds where he had some kind of wildlife protection going on.  Pretty crazy to get in a plane just so you can fly to the ends of the earth to kill another living creature. Not because you're gonna you know like eat it. You did it for the sport of it. Who does that? So what will eventually happen to this guy for what he did? What do you think would be justice? My cousins would sometimes let me tag along with them when they went hunting. Always wanted the animal to get away of course but usually those big bad guns got the final say you know? And guess what? My cousins would actually eat whatever they caught. Crabs,fish,squirrels,deer. Now when I watch all those documentaries on netflix or hulu I still root for the animals to escape the jaws of death but the other half of the time I root for the hungry mother lion because I know if she doesn't get a kill those very same jaws of death will clamp down on her family.

My birthday is coming up soon. I've absolutely no idea what I'm gonna do. I'd love to go to Disney or Universal or Magic Mountain or Knotts or something. It would be nice to have some hot guy really make love to me like Kevin did so many moons ago. I could treat myself to something cool. I sure do deserve it. But what would make me happiest would be believe it or not actually filming an episode of one of my webseries. Maybe bring back "The Sergster Files"? Wouldn't mind going to a movie or staying home spending intimate time with Godzilla on PS4,Batman Arkham Knight on the Xbox 1 or that new Rare hits game collection that just came out which I pre-ordered!  Don't know what I'm gonna do. Gotta go work on a DragonManx script right now so perhaps that will spur some inspiration.  Thank God for hump day. My weekend starts in an hour and a half. Happy hump day.

THE CURIOUS DEATH OF SERGIO WILLIS

I stood there in the shadows haunted by what I was witnessing

Hanging on to one single rose for strength/comfort.

As they lowered that big bad box into the ground.

I don’t know why I wanted to just run out and knock it over

So the body would fall out. All horrific like.

Like in one of those damned scary movies.

But there was no body in that coffin

The funeral was only to symbolize

Something else that had passed away that day.

The heart of me was gone

Passed on

That part of me that used to believe that

That special kinda love many of us dream about

Was something I could partake of.

Truth of the matter is

Some of us can never really have such things.

That part of me might have existed at one time

Bright and cheerful

Full of so many wonderful qualities

Any fool in their right mind would want

Yet there before me

that image of what was me

Was being lowered into the ground.

He’d been murdered figuratively and literally

Murdered by lies,cruelty,and abandonment.

The world stopped wanting him.

There was no longer any place for a kind heart that believed in love

So realizing the world turned him into a sort of monster

Sergio simply lost his will to live.

Part of me envied this person returning to the earth.

No more loneliness.

No more rejection.

No more racism or crazy homophobic people

Coming after me with their scriptures.

No more terrorists who wanna blow me up because….

Well I’m not even sure why they wanna kill me

All I know is they absolutely HATE me

For a variety of reasons.


No more of that "trapped on the planet of the bottoms" frightfest.


No more bills.
 

Yeah Sergio is lucky in a way

At least now nobody can hurt him anymore.

God it hurts my heart when I remember how full of joy that boy used to be.

 My eyes actually started to well up and I had to look away quickly because someone looked in my

direction. Can you imagine what would happen….

If someone were to recognize me standing here in the shadows at my OWN funeral?

Yikes.

Sergio they had no right to do this to you man

Broke all that you were until

Both mind body and everything else

It just started to wither away. How much longer would you have lived man?

I wanted to be your firend. I wanted to reach out to you but

Like everybody else I was so caught up in my own stuff to notice you would have given almost anything

To feel a warm reassuring hug (at least) in this world where only appearing strong is rewarded.

Its starting to rain now and I won’t be able to stand here much longer since I’ve no umbrella.

I’m starting to feel an emptiness in my chest.

Guilt?

I think I failed you. We all did.

Gotta get out of here.

Shit is just too depressing to linger on.

I guess that’s what those of us left here in this crazy world are gonna have to do huh?

We’re left here to try and carry on without you.

Its gonna take some time.

A few months? Years?

Life will go back to being somewhat like it was

But every now and then

Somehow I’ll be reminded of you.

Probably wanna play some videogames with you then I’ll realize you’re gone.

Really gone. Its no dream. I actually knew a trulu good man in this insane world

Broke bread with him

And now that little bit of light has fled into the void.

Damn.

Who were you really Sergio???

As stupid as it is I find myself getting upset at you.

For leaving ME here to carry on.

Broken and empty

Yet someone has to continue your work.

I think I owe that to you.

Maybe it’ll help keep me alive.

Didn’t keep you around but maybe I’m still here

Hanging on because I am stronger than you were/are.

Such a sentimental fool you were.

Not your fault your genius wasn’t recognized and nurtured.

You endured so many years of hell one can only imagine how

You woulda turned out with a real mentor figure in your life from early on.

So lost in my thoughts that it only just dawned on me everyone has left. 

The rain is REALLY coming down hard now.  But I walk over because it’s the right thing to do.

The box is covered to keep out the rain. I sigh tossing my rose over onto it.

It’s a small gesture but it is

Hard reality hitting me in the face.

Letting me know that this is it.

This is goodbye.

I fall to my knees there in the rian

I’m sobbing now

Sobbing for that little boy

That was me.

The lost little boy

I was unable to save.

Thunder rumbles loudly in the distance

Shocking me out of my daze.

I get up to slowly walk away

Then I realize I’ve cut myself on that rose before I tossed it.

My eyes fall down to look at my hand

And this mind wonders

Was that prick you/me?

I mean did a force from my friend reach out from beyond

To punish me for feeling sorry for myself

At his/my funeral?

Some irony.

A weak smile comes over my lips because I know

This is exactly how he would have like to be remembered.

The kind prankster with a sense of humor probably too advanced for his own good.

Lightning illuminates the sky which makes me wanna dash away yet I continue to walk

However briskly.

I won’t run. I need to let this drag out. Gotta take all the time I need to mourn what is gone

Before letting you go man. I turn to stop and look one last time because I know I can never return here.

I will never forget you my friend. May your spirit rest in peace.

May all I’ve learned from you give me the strength to face the days ahead.

Late night donut dilemna.

Was watching the news when me get the munchies real bad. Grabbed my 3DS (because I figured there would be some waiting) and went out to get some donuts from California donuts. As usual there was a long assed line. This place was never this popular. Something to do with a recent instagram I heard. The reason for the popularity surge I mean. So anyway I decided to hell with this and I walked over to the Vons supermarket. Ended up spending $43.00 on groceries. Mostly junk food but it was totally worth it. Got two bags of those kettle brand potato chips (because a nigga trying to be healthy you know). Flavors? Roasted garlic and the salt with fresh ground pepper kind. (Just how does one ground pepper?) Also got some soap because we are just about out. Dial was on sale 2.49 so I got two three packs. Gold antibacterial and Spring water. Got some white bread. Honey peanut butter from skippy. Grape jelly from smuckers. Refreshe drinking water. Four little boxes of the 99 cent folgers instant coffee single serve packets. Theres 7 per pack and I save alot of moolah by doing that instead of always going to coffee shops. Got some lite butter microwave popcorn by the snack artist. A little container of fresh cut pineapple. Some of those Simply natural fruit juices at two for five. Simply lemonade with cranberry and the mixed berry kind. Got a freshly baked raspberry cake and an entenmanns 8 variety pack of donut thingies. A tall REALLY HOT light skinned brotha actually saved me from going out the wrong exit when I was on my way out of the store. There went my 40 bucks and on my way back home I noticed some of the same people still standing there in that donut shop line as I walked past to go to my apt building. Now I am home watching Nightcrawler on netflix and drinking coffee. Those people are probably still out there in that line. Yeah the donuts are the bomb (who still says that right?) but I'm not doing the 30 min wait thing again. Ain't nobody got time for that.

(Background music: Mothra.Godzilla.Jurassic Wrld. Imitation Game soundtracks.)

Tried to understand what this is
but there ain't no answer man.
Relationship?
Open union?
What to call you?
A person who entered my life
fell into my existence
not a coincidence
that the lust gave way
gave way to way more.
Two people over time
developing some kinda
freaky understanding
of each other.

Sometimes I swear I have
no idea of who you are
yet
it always seems to come back to this
this thing that we have
that I cannot put into words.

You know me man.
Have seen me at my best and worst.
We both know you don't have to stay
but you choose not to leave.

So often I wish the rest of the world
could see me the way you.
A flawed creature
but still a worthwhile creature.
One with a good heart
not someone to be abused or shunned
or sabotaged.
A being capable of being a steadfast friend.
Someone who is even sexy (sometimes?)
even if he's a nerd who might not have
all these material things or the perfect body.
You still see
some kind of a warrior
using what he has
doing his best
against all odds
to survive.

Even though at times you make me crazy
You are the god sent light in my darkness.
*

Went to the movies the other day to see those dinosaurs and it was a great film but even that became an adventure. Some fool tried to get into my bank account and it cost me. Cost me about ten minutes of the movie. Yes it did. Cost me ALOT of time on the damn phone with customer service. They say the money is back in my account. They said it before but that wasn't the case. Do I have some sort of a target on my back? Then just the other day some more cops beat up some more black folks. What the hell is going on? The same shit happened yesterday I think. Last week a black woman was outed as being white by her family. World keeps getting crazier I swear. But is it so wrong for a white woman to identify with or wanna be black? There sure are a bunch of black folks who wish they were white. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I were white. Would I feel so isolated and alone with the geekiness? Would I feel so much of a need to be wary around other black people who might not be kind to me because I'm black too? I don't know. Guess I never will. All of my experiences have made me into the person I am. Sometimes I wonder if my life woulda been easier if I were a female but I'm no Bruce Jenner. Or Caitlin. Much respect to her. Super man athelete. Super mom super model. Thats some resume!

We had some small quakes over here. Tremors really I guess. Keep thinking about moving you know? Something just keeps feeling....I dunno could be the call of the wild or some kinda sixth sense telling me to leave Cali. Mostly I know its time to get out of my apartment after all these years. So much time spent dealing with crazy neighbors has definitely taken a toll on my health mentally and physically and I could really use a break. Then the other night I got into it with a crazy co-worker who was mad because (and I kid you not) because I was a minute late. One of the reasons I work nights is to avoid nutty people and stressful situations but sometimes you just can't hide from the crazy. It will seek you out. Folks have so much stuff going on in their lives that sometimes to feel some measure of control they lash out at anyone they think is a safe target. Just spreadin that negative energy around. She actually took me off her facebook friends list. What does that actually mean? Sometimes I have to wonder what would people do to an actual enemy or threat if its so easy to just cut someone off so quickly.

The Detroit trip is still up in the air. Its gonna happen. But right now it looks like it won't be until July or even August before I can make it out there. Probably for the best. I can save up alot more money and make sure the shit is done right you know? Theres really nothing wrong with taking my time putting these episodes out. Jakezilla taught me that. He took forever and a day to edit the recent episode of SinsofLegend which came out wonderfully with the minor exception of "someone who shall remain nameless and their non acting". Heh heh heh. The budget per episode has ballooned up to about $700+ per episode. Yes now you know why I'm so broke so much of the time. I don't mind the expense though because for me its an investment that I know will pay off oneday. Hopefully sooner than later. Since the black and gay communities have mostly proven they aren't really interested in helping me produce stuff I have to pace how these episodes come out so I won't be eating top ramen noodles. Thats craziness and totally unhealthy in the long run. Done it before but just don't wanna put myself through that anymore. Seriously. Gotta cut loose some of these flakey mofos too and do some recasting. Already plans have been set in motion to retitle all of my webseries. So in effect this is that "soft reboot" I've been  talking about. The plan is to start this big storyline that will lead to a full length project next year. The goal for next year is to take my stuff to as many comic conventions or film festivals as I can. So 2016 is gonna be an interesting year. It will also be the year I move somewhere. The date has been set in my mind. Sorta. Sometime in Feb after my taxes are done I gotta move out of that apartment for my peace of mind. Speaking of conventions E3 was this week.  Thats the big videogame convention that happens once a year. Videogames have always been one of my passions so of course making one one day is something in the works. Its a money thing as far as why I've not put out one yet. Been working on concepts though for awhile so its gonna happen eventually. What I think is that in time Sergio will start learning some computer programming skills and produce his own games that way he won't have to pay anyone else to do it. He's gonna get in the gym too soon probably. DragonManx is getting to be more and more of a physical series so theres no getting around combat training and some kind of conditioning. One of my actors might be able to help me. We'll see. Wish I had more time to play videogames honsetly. I've such a huge backlog of them. Mostly I can get in an hour a day. I try to play more on my off days. As of right now I am taking the rest of the year off of buying any mostly because they have gotten so damn expensive and I have so many built up over the years that I need to finish! Really wish Microsoft would fix Skype since its the main reason I bought an Xbox1. Its so damn buggy and only works like half the time. Nintendo still pisses me off because they refuse to support or even acknowledge their machine has a voice chat function. Meanwhile Sony is slow in putting in PS4 features the PS3 has had since like day one. They JUST added the ability to play MP3 files from USB devices. Still can't use external harddrives though. Microsoft unveiled backwards compatibility the other day which is something I didn't really expect. Hopefully we will start to see more diversity in videogames because its still pretty vanilla out here. It would be really cool if more people of color got into game development. Vin Diesel has a company but he hasn't put out anything new in a good while. Recently Shaq was working on a reboot of a game he did in the 90's but just like the DMX game and a Snoop Dog game that was in production things have gone black. No pun intended. Anyway it might be a good time for me to test my videogame tournament idea. Probably need to find someone to help me put everything together. Since the crowd funding stuff didn't work for me this could be another more effective fundraiser for projects. It shouldn't be too hard to get people together in a controlled environment to play games even if theres a small charge for admission....

A couple of guys have expressed interest in getting to know me better. One lives in NY. One in Texas. We've spoken by phone and skype. There was a cool guy I met off Adam 4 Adam but he dumped me. Hey it happens. I think he just didn't really like the idea of sharing but the truth is I really liked him and was seriously considering you know possibly going into something serious with him. Partly I wonder if one of his friends gave him some advice or something because he just suddenly changed. I did really like dude. It makes me sad because things were not going so great for me and the current situation. He actually had a chance and the thing is he'll never likely know that I was actually ready to try and love him. Maybe by the time I realized that it was just simply too much too little too late like they say in that song. At this point dating sites don't work or haven't worked too well. Lots of fake profiles and just general all around nastiness. Simpler to just focus on what is in front of me. Even if it works long hours,lives in the gym and church and has some issues with intimacy due to some childhood shit/life trauma shit. Dude might actually never really be relationship material even if at times he seems to wanna try and consider "something" even though he's being pulled in so many directions with life obligations. Maybe oneday when I'm rich and famous all those other areas of my life that seem so mysterious will make sense or even out. Honestly (and it pains me to say this cliche'd mess) Sergio has other priorities right now. Not sure if theres any energy left to put into pursuing love connections. Wish I had the answer. So much that needs working on.

(Background music by A Tribe Called Quest via Youtube and Spotify)

*

RANTING AND RAVING? (I guess)

 

I couldn’t do it anymore man.

I don’t trust you anymore man.

My feelings my emotions

I think they all shut down

I shut them down

My nerves are shot.

Trying to heal myself

But it might be too late.

Body and mind breaking down

And you

The one I depended on

Did nothing to help me.

I’m not just here to fulfil your sexual needs.

I put all my energy into talking to you

Now I gotta remember how to talk to other people.

They look at me on the street

Don’t know if it’s the hello or fuck you look.

Not sure whether to cross the street

Or hug a brother

Because a brother be looking like

He wanna kick my ass just for being alive

Here in this city.

Is it like this all over?

Nowhere to escape the hateful glare of

The brother

Who don’t trust me

Because he been done wrong by

Another brother.

Taught to hate himself by religion

And society.

So of course he’s gonna hate on me.

It’s a vicious cycle on repeat.

I wanna thank you for your contribution.

 

Today was another one of those days I barely got any sleep. Because he was there. Most of the day.

I can barely relax around him these days. His touch sometimes irritates even though I find myself wanting to touch him. I try to stay away you know? I think of going to sleep in some hotel somewhere by myself just so I can get some peace and quiet. It is true what they say….”No matter how good looking he/she is somebody somewhere is TIRED of their shit” All that glitters ain’t gold. That beautiful dark skin. All those muscles and that charming smile it don’t mean a damn thing if that’s all you have to bring to the table. Who are you? I Who is this man? I ask myself so often. He probably doesn’t think I’ll leave but “we” are on borrowed time. Truth is there is no “we”. Not sure there ever was. Real talk.

No kisses.

No hugs.

No massages.

No valentines day cards

And no happy holidays (like Mary J said).

Yeah it would be nice to have a friend

A partner to do things with

But the truth is

I have actually been alone

Even when I was with others

So I’m certainly no stranger to being

By myself.

I know it sounds like I’m sad and having a pity party but the truth is I am trying to process all these things. Trying to process all these emotions. I want to understand why technology has made dating so weird and why there are so many damn bottoms running around and why women give me so much more attention than guys. I mean it would be so easy if I were into women yet any inclination is like a quickly passing wave followed by visions of me losing my lunch. No I’ve never gone THERE before if you’re asking. I dream about muscles and masculine pheremonal emissions not breasts and vjay jays!

I dream about me being on a quiet beach somewhere with my mind so far removed from all my problems. Thing is that beach seems to be in another country. Call of the wild???

*

I think I’m gonna skip ahead 3 years in all the SonsofLegend related webseries in order to “erase” all the continuity issues with the stories. Feels like a cop out but it is a quick and easy fix. I have some ideas. Plus all the back story crap is something I could address in flashbacks or even have illustrated as comic books. Or animation? Meanwhile editing continues on a couple of episodes. The editor says they will be done Friday but I’m not so sure I believe him. He’s doing an episode of DragonManx and an episode of Sins of Legend. This stuff was shot months ago. I have not put out a new SOL related project since last December and its driving me crazy having to wait so long. The really rough cut I saw looks okay but I am worried the quality might not be quite what it should be you know?

Theres this composer who lives in Europe and he’s gonna be scoring DragonManx for me.  He’s a young guy who’s giving me a good rate for his music. I discovered him on Youtube weeks ago. We skyped yesterday via Xbox One (Skype is so iffy at times on that thing) I’m really excited because the excellent music will elevate the quality of DragonManx. As for the trip to Detroit I gotta make sure the money is right before I go out there. Right now the trip is scheduled for the end of June. Theres a nice guy out there who’s gonna let me stay with him. Says we can even drive out to Canada. Now that would be awesome if I could get some footage shot OVER THERE! As far as cast and crew goes I have my actors and camera guy. Even managed to recruit a local rapper who will probably contribute some tracks. He found some locations for me too. Detroit isn’t weird about letting people film on the streets like they are here in Cali but I’m really looking for some old deserted types of interiors. Nothing too dangerous you know? But Detroit has some cool structures. It looks like a city Batman would live in so it makes sense that its functioning as Gotham in the next Superman movie where he fights Batman. (Damn that Ben Affleck is so hot)

We had some rehearsals last month for Sins of Legend and SonsofLegend at my job. I rented a room out for three hours. It was the most expensive rehearsal I have ever done. Cost me $325.00. $75.00 for the room and I paid the actors $30.00 a piece. $50.00 to the DP and Director. No a brotha ain’t rich so don’t get it twisted. Just had to accept if you want people to show up its better to pay them something you know? And honestly we may need ANOTHER rehearsal as it was so rushed plus one actor missed it. I think we may need to rehearse 3 hours one day for one episode and another 3 hours on another day for the other episode just to make sure the stunt coordinator has enough time to get everything down. The constant rescheduling is getting on my nerves but I think the actors don’t mind it because of rehearsals and the fact they are getting paid. Yes a lot of you out there might not think you need to pay talent but if a person is getting in a car or bus to come across town to be in your shit you should at least cover their gas fare you know? Gotta get some costumes and probably a permanent make-up person. An on set photo person would be nice but possibly over reaching. There is so much work that goes into a series and I have so much respect for tv shows (especially the old ones) who are/were able to do it weekly on the budgets they have. Speaking of budgets I’m planning a videogame function soon to help me raise funds. Gonna need to invest in another PS4 controller though. One solution at a time….

Was at work listening to Stevie Wonder tonight when the emotions hit me.  It feels so good to feel anything you know? And the tears started falling.  It was that one song “One day at Christmas” When Stevie said “Maybe not in time for you and me” I started thinking about my Grandmothers and all those who have gone on to glory. I thought about all the cruelty of this world and how so many have died needlessly from violence and I also thought about how lucky (hopefully) future generations won’t have to suffer like we have because of mankinds immaturity during this age.

Sometimes the emotions bottled up build up within me and it becomes so much. Sometimes the pain is so great inside that I can’t sleep.

Sometimes I wake up gasping. Thrashing. Heart pounding. I am so damn traumatized from all the evil shit people have put in me by things they have done to me.

Traumatized from this life. But Marvin said this ain’t living.

This is a constant struggle and people wanna clown me if I dare to laugh you know?

Its not even funny. People trying to kill me. Trying to steal from me spiritually or financially. All the while the world seems to keep trying to swallow us all up. Earthquakes,terrorist cells and erratic dangerous weather patterns. Police trying to get me because I look suspicious and I can barely pay my bills man.  Is it all in my mind that the enemy often seems to look JUST LIKE ME. And my mama always told me to beware of my own because they will do the most damage.

What a mess.

Go to work every night.

Come home.

Laying down next to a man who won’t touch me.

Like I am diseased. Undesireable.

I think I’m getting too used to this so I try to break away from him.

How much longer can we live together? Should I keep doing this to myself?

It feels so good to touch his skin but he’s to have and NOT to hold.  He might love me yet he’s never been in love with me. I wish I could remember what it was like to have such a thing.

All these who might like me live so so far away.
or they are too old.
or I'm "not the right type".
The constant rejection forces me to retreat into myself every now and then.

Yeah I know its best not to dwell on such things and mostly I keep it at bay
Then there are days like this. Nights when the city seems so big. So huge.

Its like being in a desert all alone searching. Surviving somehow invisible to the other animals even though I am screaming at the top of my lungs.

The videogames and comics,movies and music help keep me going. Still recovering from that big betrayal. Months of work/footage gone. Over a thousand dollars gone and nothing I could do about it. He fucked me over REAL good and made off like a bandit with a big part of my trust. Made me hate him so much that in my minds eye I saw me with the gun pulling the trigger. And if I saw him with that gun in my hand he might  would be a dead nigger. So he better stay far away. Gonna take me some years to get over this but best believe I will. 

Life keeps going on even when I think about leaving. On FB I tried to convince a young girl to keep going yesterday. She was down because of some guy. Some guy who will still be here living his life even if she decides to check out of here. Some of us really don't have an outlet and the mental ills make leaving seem so enticing. Real talk but I can’t leave because I have so much work to do. This foolish dream of mine you know? I chase it and the wind catches me. Thought I found someone cool to hold yet it was fleeting. Thank you A4A for reminding me some of us just don’t get the guy in the end. But I’d rather be rich anyway. Rich in spirit,mind and soul. And yes I want the fabulous bank account as well.  Its coming. Its coming. I’ll take over the world and die fighting evil. My way.

(Soundtrack: City Nights Vol 6. Thank you Youtube)

Sometimes its hard to believe I am actually 45 years old. People say when you're this old you're supposed to be finacially secure,living in a big house and certainly driving a car. But I don't drive a car. Maybe I will next year because its something I think about more lately. Maybe when I actually can save some money I'll buy a nice house but these little films and projects of mine aren't gonna fund themselves and since I don't have a sugar daddy I gotta do what I gotta do. That means going to work every night to make this money so I guess I am taking care of business. I have an apartment aand have had it for many years now. Plus I seem to be capable of holding down a job for awhile yet does that mean I am stable? I mean in the eyes of some its not enough I realize. I realize my body could be better and it frustrates me sometimes this feeling inadequate you know? Yeah I have issues. Still life goes on and I can take comfort knowing in my time here I've at least left behind some kind of a legacy. These writings. The short films. The cartoon stuff. Even all those photos. Why is it so important to leave something behind? To maybe bring some light into this world even though it has tried to kill me so many times. Its crazy and life is crazy. They say none of us get out of it alive you know. But its also been said no one really dies. Even more so when folks remember you. Will people remember you when you're gone? Will they? A fair question.

About an hour ago there was this sound here in the building. Sounded like someone else was in here with me and the ghosts. Maybe it was a ghost? Went to investigate and saw nothing. Its something that things which would probably freak out most don't really get to me. The truth is sometimes I feel numb and it bothers me. Then there are those moments where the emotions flow. Literally flow. Nothing like a good cry right? Didn't cry when I heard about the plane crash yesterday in Germany that took the lives of 150 people but I did say "Oh my GOD" because it just seemed so insane and painful to realize some people lost so many loved ones. In just an instant....cousins,uncles,mothers and siblings were simply taken from each other and....and that just hurts because I know what its like to lose someone and wonder if and when you will ever see them again. I think that we will all be reunited oneday. I have to believe that you know?

One of the things that has really been bothering me for awhile is this terrorist shit. Isis this and Al Qaeda that. Is it me or does it seem like alot of middle eastern people sure are killing the hell out of each other and trying to kill everyone else? Its not just Middle Eastern folks of course. African people are killing each other too. Russians too. People have been killing each other for a long time. Killing over land. Over race. Over sexual preference. Over religion. Money. Cars. Sometimes some people just kill each other for the hell of it and it just makes no sense to me. We can't even take the planes now without thinking some nutjob with an agenda might show up to try and blow us all up. People are beheading each other on tv like its the thing to do. They really seem convinced some diety out there wants them to do these things. How the hell can you just take a blade and end the life of someone like that when they have done absolutely NOTHING to you? I don't understand. Maybe its not meant for me to. Maybe its not meant for me to understand the insanity or demonic influences that drive some to torment others. There are so many things about human beings which make no sense to me. So much of the time I don't even feel human because I don't understand so much that humans do to each other. Call me crazy or whatever but humanity has the power to end starvation and poverty on this planet. Humanity can clean up the environment and abolish war but why won't it? Thats what I call crazy? I ain't done a damn thang to nobody but the police often go out their way to profile me so much to the point where I now expect it when I see them.  Driving slow in the cars to look at me. Following me down into the subway. Yeah stuff like that happens ALOT and it makes me fucking paranoid about leaving the house. Just who the hell am I supposed to look like anyway? Yeah I listen to rap music and love hip hop but I ain't no thug. Don't even think I fit into that world and would likely be rejected by many who embrace that life yet I keep getting lumped into that world. Dunno....maybe I am a closeted thug and need to date me a thug. A REAL thug. Not a wannabe. Nah....probably couldn't deal with all that testosterone. Those mood swings. That mean assed glare like "What the fuck you lookin at NIGGA???" Which I get ALL THE FUCKING TIME from so many other black men. Don't know if its the "How are you doing" or "I wanna kick your gottdamn ass" look so nig like me just keeps it moving attempting to avoid that eye contact. Long as I can remember I have had this problem with other black men. Its weird. Don't really understand it. Just don't. Maybe won't ever and it just is one of those things Ima have to learn to live with. My brother hates me. Hates me for my light skin. Hates me for my brain. Hates me for my out there dreams. He hates me because nig like me shouldn't even be out here surviving. But guess what? I am.

Its something to be able to look at the world as how it is and to see it as how it can be. Maybe thats what is the power of my madness. The artist. That thing Lady Gaga says she doesn't wanna fix by getting therapy. Gotta live your whole life being crazy always chasing this mission along with some semblance of peacefulness. But the peacefulness is probably more in the art of it all than anything else. Its that GOD talking to you thing. That voice has always been there but many are deaf to it. When you ignore that voice inside that tells you to create something useful it seems to turn against you. This is something alot of people will never understand. Just the way it is. So maybe that crazy person on the street was just like me once but they fell into this version of hell on earth? Maybe hell really is different for everyone? I swear so often I walk by a crazy person and it seems that spirit within them recognizes or addresses me in some way. You can see why I don't share this with alot of folks right?

The weather here in Los Angeles has been strange lately. Hot on some days and it should actually be colder here this time of year. Meanwhile time is just flying by like a mofo. We're already at the end of March and thers so many things that I shoulda already done this year. Didn't make it to Detroit for the snow like I wanted. Still haven't moved. Other than Detector Pig I've not put out anything this year. A DragonManx episode is in post. Danielzilla is working on SonsofLegend which he's co-exec producing now. Brought in some big guns for SinsofLegend and Daughters of Legend my next new webseries. A horror film project is in the works too (realistically speaking it probably won't happen till next year) but I gotta think about the visits to see my family which are planned for later this year. It all boils down to money and being much more restrained in spending. Its not like I spend extravagantely or anything. Its just downright expensive to eat healthy and to produce short films on your own dime. Living with the crazy african helps but some overtime might become a thing you know? Or maybe a brother just needs to get a second job (like the crazy african did). My new business partners think crowdfunding (which never worked out for me before) is the answer so maybe they will be able to put together some succesful campaigns. So far ALL of my stuff has become SAG/AFTRA which I'm sure will open up doors previously closed. So I guess now you can start calling me a businessman huh? Better start wearing suits then. For the record Sergio doesn't really like wearing suits. He doesn't really like working out either but it looks like he's gonna have to get used to it. One of my actors doesn't know it yet but he's about to become my personal trainer. Just hope I can afford him.

Filmmaking,life lessons,venting and whatnot.

Today (actually yesterday now since its after 12am) was the first time in a good while that I actually filmed something. Its all come down to timing and money for the most part even though I'm starting to understand how to cut corners to make things happen. I was able to convince the crazy african to sing in an episode and thats what was shot today. Been trying to figure out a way to work him and his talent into an episode for the longest. Dude has some talent and I really wanted to put it out there before he just abandons it you know? So in the DragonManx episode we shot the crazy african is playing a character named Ury. Ury has already been introduced in an earlier SonsofLegend episode (although he was masked initially and in later appearances we never explained who he was when he would accompany Devin on assigngments) Ury is singing and my character Goyangee (aka:DragonManx) comes over to say hello after witnessing him perform. The two talk abit and then it becomes obvious theres gonna be some kind of a romantic connection with them in the future but after Goyangee gives Ury a business card and leaves the area someone else rewinds time and appears. Time is rewound to just before they met and then Ury is killed so this is all doen to prevent Goyangee from meeting him so that he will be in a certain emotional state. The villain who kills Ury is a sorcerer named Plexis who is secretly working for a fallen angel (Damali) who is planning to take over the world but she wants to try and manipulate the guardian (Goyangee) into joining her cause. Damali is not seen in the episode but she will be heard (via voiceover) as she speaks with Plexis on the phone when he calls to tell her the deed is done after his terrible act. Damali is going to be a major problem all throughout my 4 webseries. In SonsofLegend she is making moves to eliminate Devin who is assembling a force which could threaten Damali. In SinsofLegend Damali is secretly bankrolling the team to perform certain missions for her in return for her protection when the shit hits the fan. Karter (Devins son) may or may not know who she REALLY is and I have yet to decide if he does know or if/when he ever will. Decisions decisions. Meanwhile in Daughters of Legend Damali is recruiting and experimenting on women paranormals in an attempt to create a master race which will eventually wrest control form mankind who has sqaundered the earths resources and spilled so much needless blood in the name of supposed progress. A group of women who escaped Damalis clutches team up and travel all over the world waging war on Damalis various and widespread operations. Meanwhile in DragonManx Damali is behind the scenes pulling the strings in Goyangee's life hoping to lead him to join her crusade but this will eventually lead him into all out war with her and Plexis especially when he discovers the lengths they have gone through to try and manipulate him. Eventually all the storylines will converge into a full length film as everyone goes into a truly epic battle with Damali and her army. Some friendships will be lost. There will be betrayals and deaths and when the dust clears Damali will be no more. In the end DragonManx may make the ultimate sacrifice to end Damalis's threat once and for all. Yes I have given this alot of thought.

The Detector Pig cartoon is done. Posted it on youtube last week and it didn't exactly set the world on fire. I mean people did watch it but mostly nobody cared. Well I cared. Its kinda sad if I let myself wallow in it that supposed friends and family really don't give me much support. (Is it because they don't really know me?)  Yeah people follow on twitter and facebook but most of them never comment on anything I do or offer any kind of encouragement. Why? Its like people watch from a distance not really wanting to get involved. I really don't know what to make of it. Perhaps folks are simply too wrapped up in their own problems? To be fair some people have given support (People like Johnzilla,Damonzilla,Fatishazilla,Dadzilla,Antoniozilla,Lymanzilla,Davidzilla,Stanzilla,Markzilla,Mackiezilla)
but when I started my crowd funding efforts the results were meager. Sometimes I get the idea people are just waiting to see if you fail at something and if the business takes off then they might wanna jump on board or try to be your friend when things are working out and the money is pouring in. I'm not bitter? I am happy my cartoon came out after all the hard work and shit I have had to endure in my quest to make it happen when so many doubted me yet it does sting to realize as a gay man I may never get support from the gay and lesbian community. As a black man I might not ever really gain support from the black community either. It just feels like that sometimes. It feels like in hundreds of years people might look back at my work and say "Damn he really did accomplish some cool stuff but why the hell didn't people support him? Maybe he was before his time" And there are times I feel like I was born in the wrong time. People are often so cruel in this age and theres so much hate,anger and racism along with homophobia that at times it does feel overwhelming. People are literally losing their minds. You don't have to just turn the news on to see the negative effect its all having on the world as a whole. If I'd been born two hundred years from now I'd like to believe society will have matured enough to the point where things aren't so crazy you know?  I do believe in what I'm doing and I love the black and gay communities but the writing is on the wall much of my support is probably not gonna come from them because they ain't ready. Most of them aren't. I hope that enough of them and the rest of the world gives me enough support that I can at least make a living doing what I love. What does Sergio love in a nutshell? He loves making art that will make the world a better place. Art that will make people smile or laugh. Maybe it'll make them get inspired to make their own art too instead of channeling that powerful energy in a destructive manner. Maybe they will think twice before they try to hurt someone who might be different from them too because of something they saw or read in something Sergio created. Sergio would really like it if he could be a part of a legacy like that.