Was at work listening to Stevie Wonder tonight when the emotions hit me.  It feels so good to feel anything you know? And the tears started falling.  It was that one song “One day at Christmas” When Stevie said “Maybe not in time for you and me” I started thinking about my Grandmothers and all those who have gone on to glory. I thought about all the cruelty of this world and how so many have died needlessly from violence and I also thought about how lucky (hopefully) future generations won’t have to suffer like we have because of mankinds immaturity during this age.

Sometimes the emotions bottled up build up within me and it becomes so much. Sometimes the pain is so great inside that I can’t sleep.

Sometimes I wake up gasping. Thrashing. Heart pounding. I am so damn traumatized from all the evil shit people have put in me by things they have done to me.

Traumatized from this life. But Marvin said this ain’t living.

This is a constant struggle and people wanna clown me if I dare to laugh you know?

Its not even funny. People trying to kill me. Trying to steal from me spiritually or financially. All the while the world seems to keep trying to swallow us all up. Earthquakes,terrorist cells and erratic dangerous weather patterns. Police trying to get me because I look suspicious and I can barely pay my bills man.  Is it all in my mind that the enemy often seems to look JUST LIKE ME. And my mama always told me to beware of my own because they will do the most damage.

What a mess.

Go to work every night.

Come home.

Laying down next to a man who won’t touch me.

Like I am diseased. Undesireable.

I think I’m getting too used to this so I try to break away from him.

How much longer can we live together? Should I keep doing this to myself?

It feels so good to touch his skin but he’s to have and NOT to hold.  He might love me yet he’s never been in love with me. I wish I could remember what it was like to have such a thing.

All these who might like me live so so far away.
or they are too old.
or I'm "not the right type".
The constant rejection forces me to retreat into myself every now and then.

Yeah I know its best not to dwell on such things and mostly I keep it at bay
Then there are days like this. Nights when the city seems so big. So huge.

Its like being in a desert all alone searching. Surviving somehow invisible to the other animals even though I am screaming at the top of my lungs.

The videogames and comics,movies and music help keep me going. Still recovering from that big betrayal. Months of work/footage gone. Over a thousand dollars gone and nothing I could do about it. He fucked me over REAL good and made off like a bandit with a big part of my trust. Made me hate him so much that in my minds eye I saw me with the gun pulling the trigger. And if I saw him with that gun in my hand he might  would be a dead nigger. So he better stay far away. Gonna take me some years to get over this but best believe I will. 

Life keeps going on even when I think about leaving. On FB I tried to convince a young girl to keep going yesterday. She was down because of some guy. Some guy who will still be here living his life even if she decides to check out of here. Some of us really don't have an outlet and the mental ills make leaving seem so enticing. Real talk but I can’t leave because I have so much work to do. This foolish dream of mine you know? I chase it and the wind catches me. Thought I found someone cool to hold yet it was fleeting. Thank you A4A for reminding me some of us just don’t get the guy in the end. But I’d rather be rich anyway. Rich in spirit,mind and soul. And yes I want the fabulous bank account as well.  Its coming. Its coming. I’ll take over the world and die fighting evil. My way.